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The Jewish Home | JULY 28, 2022
Dr. Deb
You Married the Right Person By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
“D
r. Deb,” Kenny was complaining, “it’s only my wife that triggers me! I have lots of relationships – from work to shul to my kids’ schools where I’m very active – and I get along well with everyone else…so it must be that I married the wrong person.” Actually, Kenny, what you’re saying tells me you married the right person. “Huh?” you’re probably thinking. I know. I know. It’s counterintuitive. But follow me for a minute, and you’ll see where I’m going. I had a friend who had a terrible accident and ended up paraplegic. She could not feel anything in her legs. She was ironing on a lap-type ironing board, and she didn’t realize how thin the padding had gotten. Long and short of it, she burned through the padding to her skin. Only she didn’t know. She couldn’t feel it. Yes, it would have hurt terribly to have gotten burned with a hot iron. But the way things were, her burn was far worse than it would have been. She didn’t know she’d done damage until she smelled something wrong. Being triggered is like that. It’s a trailhead – as Dr. Schwartz of Internal Family Systems fame calls it – of something that urgently needs attention but can lead you to some important – and healing – discoveries. The fact that you got triggered by your wife, Kenny, is excellent, because it leads you to something way, way back in your life that you have buried and no longer feel, but it needs healing just the same. See, your wife innocently touched a raw nerve. And, wouldn’t you know it, the only person in the universe with that much power to get past your defenses is your wife. What’s more, it’s not a coincidence. It goes like this, according to Dr. Schwartz: What really – I mean really
– attracts us to the person we marry is because they seem like the right person to rescue/love/nurture the hurt parts of us. This is either because they are like the parents who hurt us so it’s like giving a parent another chance, or it’s because they are the opposite of those parents so
overcoming the original pains of childhood. Two people who get triggered, even if it’s accidental and inadvertent, but who react and who then react to the reaction until it becomes a chaotic escalation. But just suppose, for a moment, that when you feel yourself triggered, you note
It leads you to something way, way back in your life that you have buried and no longer feel, but it needs healing just the same. it stands to reason that they would come through like the knight in shining armor or the princess filled with love that we always wanted. But they’re human, right? So every time they mess up, their failure to come through reminds us emotionally of our original unhealed hurt. And just to make it a little more interesting, there are two people involved, two people each with hopes and dreams for
it and ask yourself why. You ask yourself, “What caused this in me?” And just suppose it does exactly what it’s meant to do: It takes you back to a time when you were hurt in a similar way as a child. And you can comfort your younger self, telling him or her that they were a great child, not a bad one at all. And you can see them in your mind’s eye leaving that painful place and feel the freedom and joy they feel at doing so.
That would be liberating, wouldn’t it? It turns out that our brains don’t distinguish between memories of real events and imaginary “editing” that we do to those memories. That is why we can wake up from a dream in a mood that is completely different from the mood we were in when we fell asleep. That is precisely how hypnosis works, too, and why it is so effective. We actually have it in our power to alter the emotional tone of our memories. Therefore, at the end of such an imaginary journey, you feel so much better that, in your heart, you thank your partner for triggering you. What would that be like? This is not at all far-fetched, even though it may seem like it. It may seem like it because if we are used to being in pain and life is just tough, then something good doesn’t seem too likely. But the reality is that Hashem gave us the refuah before He landed the makka on us. It is likely. It is do-able. In other words, your spouse is, indeed, your “helper” even if she/he feels “k’negdo,” against you. Yes, that feeling of being triggered and hurt is not a good feeling. But it’s useful to have so you can figure out just exactly why you were triggered – and to heal the entire experience. I write a blog on my website and have been doing that for decades. Articles similar to this one appear twice a week there. You can go to https://drdeb.com to sign up to get emails announcing each new one. Very shortly, I will no longer have this column, but you can definitely keep up with me there.
Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb.com/myw-masterclass.
