Parenting Pearls

The Jewish Home | JUNE 16, 2022 Parenting Pearls

Dressing Royalty

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

In April 2011, I was speaking to a British friend of mine and telling her how much I appreciated that all of London was decked out in flowers in honor of my birthday. She laughed knowing that, despite the close proximity of the dates, England was clearly preparing for the royal wedding of Prince William and not my birthday. I’m still waiting for all of Great Britain to celebrate my big day – maybe next year.

The royal wedding became the media’s obsession. Everything about the wedding was discussed as if it was life-altering: dresses, hats, cakes and wedding transportation were analyzed in-depth. You didn’t need to be focused specifically on the occasion – it was near impossible to avoid it in the news.

Along with the crucial discussions of fruitcakes came the inevitable flow of pictures. Naturally, there were pictures of the bride and groom. Pictures going back years earlier were brought out to show the entire royal family throughout the ages. Of course, the Queen herself was very prominent in these images.

Among these hundreds of available snapshots, I somehow managed to see a clear photograph of the Queen entering or exiting a vehicle; a strong gust of wind was blowing, and the monarch had to hold on dearly to her hat. Something struck me as unusual about this picture. It was then that I realized that in every photograph of the Queen, she was wearing a hat and modest clothing. I was curious to know if my suspicions were correct, and I easily pulled up a few more photos of Her Majesty. Sure enough, in all but a small number of pictures, she was wearing some form of headwear. Additionally, her skirts were of a modest length, as were the rest of her entire wardrobe.

I found it fascinating how close she was to conforming to our halachic standards, despite this obviously not being her intention. Just from being raised in a royal household, aware of who she was, the Queen understood that there is a dignified way to dress, as befits her status.

Until this point, I have mostly avoided an article about tzinius. There are a number of reasons for this. Among those concerns was the inability to do justice to the topic, along with the negativity that too often results from this discussion. Our larger community comprises smaller communities that have differing standards; focusing too closely on technical details could unintentionally disrespect another valid halachic opinion. Despite my concerns, tzinius is an important topic and can’t be ignored. Because of the crucial role of tzinius in our lives, I hesitantly decided to go ahead with this article. To allay my hesitations, I will only be discussing one aspect of tzinius: that of malchus/royalty. Truthfully, one article would not be sufficient to thoroughly discuss this important topic anyway.

I want to add a crucial point: this article isn’t just for women or girls. Tzinius is something that is a part of all of us – male or female. We are all royalty and bnei melachim. While many aspects of tzinius may only apply to one gender or the other, I feel the topic of this week’s article is relevant to all of us.

I will make the disclaimer that I am not a rav. I will not be discussing halacha, and no aspect of halacha should be derived from anything written here. Baruch Hashem, our community is fortunate to have many chashuve rabbonim and rebbetzins to address any concerns – halachic or hashkafik – that may arise. It is my experience that they are happy to discuss these and other sincere inquiries, and it is only to our benefit to take advantage of their wisdom.

Our Royal Family

When we said “na’aseh v’nishmah,” we received two crowns. Throughout the Torah, we see that we are compared to royalty. We are called “b’nei melachim” in the Talmud and a “mamleches kohanim” in Tanach. It says, “Kol kevuda bas melech penima,” “banim atem l’Hashem” and “Yisroel ki sarit” (thank you to my learned friend for providing the references). Rav Chaim Kanievsky, zt”l, was called the “sar HaTorah,” the prince of Torah. We are truly a family of royalty, proudly wearing the crown of Torah.

We are elevated above animals and gifted with holy neshamos. We aren’t simply mature apes but unique individuals tasked with a divine calling. We should never think small of ourselves but recognize our special role as the am hanivchar. If we deny our position in false humility, then we are shirking our responsibilities. For our own knowledge, it’s important that we and our children understand that Hashem has assigned us this unique job.

streets, we represent Hashem and His Torah. We should look and dress the part of a proud Jew.

Our children, too, represent how a youngster raised in a Torah home presents themself. They can appreciate that dressing with a basic dignity is another way to bring kavod to the Torah. They need not wear Shabbos clothes daily; having a basic awareness when dressing each morning can often be enough.

Tzinius For All

I am well aware that tzinius is often relegated to the females, and the menfolk tend to be ignored. Dressing with dignity is something that applies to all of us. We, along with many other parents, have worked to inculcate our sons with a strong feeling of being modest. We all stand before Hashem and need to be conscious of His presence.

While modesty standards will look different for boys than girls, it doesn’t change that standards do exist. Just like I have different expectations from a little child than from a teenager, expectations are still there. All of our chashuve children can dress in a way that properly represents who they are. We all have the requirement to be an eved Hashem whenever we go out and in all we do. A young child can easily understand that they would be embarrassed for their rebbi or morah to see them that way. If they know they would be embarrassed should their teacher catch a glimpse of them, then that is an indication of both their awareness and potential ability to make better choices.

Dignified dress isn’t just for kids. Royal children descend from royal parents, and will be children, but as our kids mature, they can begin to learn that their behavior, too, should reflect their exalted status. Screaming outdoors when the neighbors’ little ones are sleeping, using foul language and engaging in other coarse behavior don’t properly reflect our child’s respectable position. Wearing a designer suit but loudly cursing is truly missing the point of tzinius.

Teaching a child that they are a distinguished individual who needs to dress in a dignified way is a positive message.

as with all areas of life, our children learn most from the example we set and not the lecture we give.

Just as we have an inherent feeling of the need to be clothed – even when others aren’t looking – the way we act should also reflect dignity. Tzinius is more than just our clothing. Again, these same children can tell you if rebbi or morah would approve of their actions. Of course, children

Dress with Dignity

I know there are many ways that tzinius is discussed. Personally, I am not the biggest fan of teaching tzinius in a negative way, which is what too frequently occurs. It’s my humble opinion that giving over a negative perspective of tzinius can be rather harmful, chas v’shalom. Building up tends to be more effective than tearing down.

Alternatively, allowing a child to appreciate that they are important to Hashem can be beneficial. Teaching a child that they are a distinguished individual who needs to dress in a dignified way is a positive message. Teaching a sensitivity along with encouraging our children to see themselves as royalty can elevate tzinius in their minds. It can help if we praise appropriate dress (rather than only criticizing when seeing the bad) and try to ensure our children have tzinius clothing they like and feel good in. Also, when parents lead by example, they show their family’s values in a very concrete way.

Our children don’t need to dress in fancy, expensive or uncomfortable clothing to dress in a way that reflects inner respect and dignity. Every individual in klal Yisroel has the ability to dress and act in a manner that reflects their true, royal roots. When we dress each morning, we are not only dressing for others, but also for ourselves – let’s make sure our true, honorable selves show. Have a wonderful Shabbos!

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@ gmail.com.

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