Teen Talk

The Jewish Home | APRIL 7, 2022 teen talk

Dear Teen Talk,

I hate to say this, but I dread this time of year. Every year since I can remember, the weeks between Purim and Pesach are beyond tense and stressful in my house. For the most part, my parents are easy-going and pleasant. But then comes the Pesach-prep season, and it’s as though my parents turn into different people.

I am an 18-year-old yeshiva bachur. I’ve learned many of the halachos of Pesach, and I still haven’t found a source for anxiously yelling at your kids or intensely scrubbing the wall behind the fridge that is otherwise never moved! There is just so much anxiety in my house this time of year, and it affects all of us.

My younger siblings are frightened and walk around on eggshells. To be honest, I do, too. By the time we get to the seder, we are all so emotionally drained that it feels as though we are just going through the motions to be mekayem the mitzvos of the yom tov, with very little joy. I wish someone would explain the halachos to my parents so that they would realize that what they are doing is ruining the yom tov for everyone.

What can I do to change things? Or at least to ensure that my yom tov isn’t ruined?

-Yossi Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

Yossi, I have no doubt that many of your peers are reading your letter and nodding their heads vigorously in agreement with your sentiments. It is indeed an unfortunate reality that so many people seem to lose their better judgment when it comes to preparing for Pesach. It reminds me of a famous line said over b’shem the Kotzker Rebbe. There is a well-known minhag to not eat nuts on Rosh Hashana. One of the main reasons brought down is because egoz (nut in lashon hakodesh) is gematria chet (sin). So, the Kotzker used to say that people forget that chet is also gematria chet!

Of course, it can’t be overstated how important it is to prepare your home for Pesach. We are expected to thoroughly clean our homes, “turn over” the kitchen, and ensure that no chometz be found anywhere by the time we say Kol Chamira on Erev Pesach. It is quite the task! And yet, the true point of it all is to come with great simcha to the seder, prepared to fulfill the mitzvos of Sipur Yetzias Mitzrayim and V’higadita L’vincha. Yossi, it sounds like your family really struggles with keeping this perspective.

I want to point out one very important detail from your question. You say that your parents are generally easy-going and pleasant. This is really good news because it means that all is not lost! And, by the way, this is true for so many who become “different people” when it comes time to prepare the house for Pesach.

At its core, it comes from a good place. We all know how much ink has been spilled on the topic of chametz and the importance of ridding every morsel of it before Pesach starts. But of course, like all things in life, it requires balance. When your parents get frustrated and lash out at you, or a sibling of yours, because of some Pesach-prep infraction, it hurts. But you know that beneath all of the Pesach anxiety is a rational person who can be reasoned with.

Have you tried telling your parents, in a very respectful way, how appreciative you would be if they would be willing to discuss ways of relieving some of the stress from the pre-Pesach rush? You may find that they understand the need for a new approach. If you feel that this could be helpful, then you need to come to that conversation prepared. You have to come to the table with some creative ideas for cleaning without stressing. Here are some suggestions for you to think about: 1. Let your parents know that you recognize that you have a responsibility to partic-

ipate in the mitzvah of preparing for Pesach. Ask them if you could be included in the planning phase, at which time you can all map out the various things that need to get done weeks ahead of time. Create a schedule of the tasks – what will get done and when – and offer to help as much as you can. Having a clear plan, where everyone knows what is expected of them, can be really helpful. 2. If there are any specific tasks that are extremely stressful, that you know to be halachikally unnecessary (please be sure to first confirm with a reputable rav!), maybe you can gently offer up a source or two which clearly spells it out? You have to know your parents before trying this. If your father is a rav in his own right, it probably doesn’t make sense. But, if you think that your parents may legitimately appreciate knowing that something they are doing is really not necessary, then tell them!

Be sure to be extremely careful to be respectful. It would not be appropriate to tell

your father or mother outright that they are doing something wrong. Rather, you could tell them that you learned something interesting that you’d like to share regarding Pesach cleaning. You could show them the source and tell them that you were shocked to find that not everyone holds that you have to… In the end, it is their house, and they are your parents, so understand going in that they very well may shoot you down. In that case, you would have to respectfully defer to them, even if you believe they are wrong. 3. Suggest that during the most stressful parts of the Pesach-prep there be upbeat Pesach music playing in the house. This may sound silly, but happy music can be a great way of keeping the stress level down.

Now, the truth is that the above suggestions may work for some, but they may not work for you. So, how can you make the best of things if your parents seem determined to have a stressful few weeks? Obviously, it is not ideal. You describe a tension which is palpable. Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

Anxiety that pervades the home and affects everyone in the family. How can you approach such a challenging situation in a healthy way?

Step one is as difficult as it is simple: acceptance. At some point, you will have to accept that this is how your parents cope with the stress of preparing for Pesach and that it is on you to find ways of dealing with that reality. Unfortunately, in life we often are not in control of our environment and circumstances. And yet, we still have to find ways of making the best of it. And you can! But only if you are able to start from a position of acceptance. So long as you are stuck in the mindset of trying to find ways of changing those around you,

You have the power to control your mindset.

you will ignore the real concrete steps that you can take today to improve the situation.

If your parents cannot be reasoned with, then I say accept them! I think you will be surprised at how relieved you feel. Recognize that you are powerless to change them or their attitude and that if/when they lash out, it’s not your fault! They are not lashing out because of what you did, rather they are lashing out due to their own anxiety and stress. Try to keep that mindset and attitude as you go through these tough weeks.

Through it all, keep in mind that you may start taking mental notes now for how you plan to do things when you have your own family, iy”H. You are 18, and with G-d’s help, you will be a husband and a father in the nottoo-distant future. While you have to endure this today, it won’t always be so. You will have the opportunity to create an environment of excitement and joy in your own home one day. This perspective can have a calming effect for you even now, as you are going through this stressful time. At the same time, recognize that your positive attitude can lift up those around you. I bet that if you keep a smile on your face, and approach the cleaning and preparing with lightness, you will find that those around you are impacted. You just may find that your parents take it down a notch when they see you whistle while you work. Happiness is appealing and contagious. Try to approach all of your tasks with serenity and joy, and I think that your parents will take the cue. If you find that your mother or father snaps at you, try to respond calmly. That can often have a calming effect on the upset person.

Another recommendation is to really focus on your own personal spiritual preparation for the yom tov. My Rosh Yeshiva, Ha’Rav Naftali Jaeger, shlita, always says in the name of the Kuzmirer Rebba, “Everyone says to have a freilichen Purim and a kasherin Pesach…I say to have a kasherin Purim and a freilichen Pesach!” While everyone is so caught up in making sure that Pesach will be kasher, it is important to keep it freilich! By spending time preparing spiritually, through learning hilchos Pesach and the haggada with mefarshim, you can keep a happy attitude and approach the yom tov with simcha.

You mentioned younger siblings…maybe spend some time devising fun seder activities to liven things up for them. You can experience a great deal of excitement and joy that way, too. In the end, you have to know that you have the power to control your mindset. Pesach is a yom tov full of simcha, and you can access that simcha by maintaining a great attitude.

I wish you and all the readers a chag kasher v’sameach!