Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls A Safe and Happy Purim

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Each year we read the Megillah and then walk out partying. Screams of delight and streamers accompany us on the way home to celebrate. It’s amazing how much we can pack into one day as we extend the festivities long past sundown. Children wait all year for Purim, and it’s easy to understand why. Between imbibing mounds of sugar and creating a ruckus with noisemakers, Purim has it all.

Each year, various organizations put out safety messages for the community. I urge you to take a few minutes to read them in advance, when it’s quieter, and you can give each one the appropriate attention. As each organization will share their own expertise, I will only focus on a few points here.

Megillah

The megillah is not only a chiyuv but also a chance to focus on the real life events that turned potential tragedy into joy. Young children often have trouble sitting still or quietly for extended periods of time. Children who are excited for the upcoming yom tov will have even more difficulties maintaining the appropriate decorum. It can be unfair to the child, the parent, and others present to have a child at the megillah reading who isn’t ready for it. There are child-friendly megillah readings for those children or the parent can go to a second reading. It’s tempting to bring the little one and hope for the best, but that doesn’t usually work out so well.

Children Aren’t Hefker

Purim is such fun, and there’s so much happening. Please keep track of your children. It’s only natural that children expect (and receive) some extra freedom on Purim. With everyone flying in and out of the house, along with deliveries galore, it can be hard to know where everyone is at all times. As busy as it is, you still want to know who is in your house and where your children are going.

On Purim, we tend to invite many guests into our homes. When else do families welcome a bunch of drunken young men to dance in their home? Whether the visitor is a long-time family friend or stranger, you want to know where your child is when they are there. Know where your guests are in relation to your children. Unfortunate situations have happened,

lo aleinu.

Prior to the big day, ensure children have clear guidelines of where they may go on Purim. They need to know where they can go independently, where they need a buddy or older sibling, and where they require adults. Every family will find their own system that works for them to ensure each child’s safety. Communicate with your child in advance to make sure they fully understand their limitations. Earlier discussions can help prevent fights on Purim day itself.

Make sure your child’s driver will be sober. It’s easy to make sure the person bringing your child to their intended location hasn’t had anything to drink. It’s harder to make sure the person driving your child back is sober. Take the time to verify that the driver will not be indulging at all. Too often, someone drinks but thinks they’re fit to drive. Driving after drinking is never OK. Please don’t let your child go into that car.

Kids and Alcohol

I am not going to discuss the general concerns that arise with adults drinking on Purim as that is beyond the scope of these articles. I want to focus exclusively a bit on how this aspect of Purim affects children and teens.

There is an inyan of drinking on Purim. Unsurprisingly, this is one of the more debated aspects to the day. While there’s no need to discuss whether or not we give extra money to the poor (feel free to do so), there certainly is what to discuss about whether one imbibes more than the halacha requires. The key here is halacha. You or I may not personally be a fan of the bottle. Alternatively, someone may feel that Purim is a time to “let loose” or “act hefker,” but again, halacha is our guide.

Children should not be drinking alcohol. It is unhealthy and dangerous on many levels; it can also be illegal. It is not one of the mitzvos we are mechanuch children on from when they’re toddlers. Please bring your child to deliver mishloach manos. Share the megillah reading with your youngster when appropriate. But don’t pass them the booze.

Please don’t take my word on this. Ask your rav for clarification or look up many of the sources readily available online such as Halachically Speaking (Vol. 10, Issue 3), Rabbi Abraham Twerski’s zt”l many statements (such as the one dated February 13, 2014), Rabbi Dr. Tzvi Hersh Weinreb on the OU website (such as statements dated March 4, 2009 and February 12, 2014), Rabbi Yakov Horowitz’s videos, and Dr. Hylton Lightman’s website.

Please do not give liquor to anyone else’s child. When teens collect, they go house to house, and the homeowners will often let them drink. Even though the baal habayis doesn’t know how much the teenagers already had, they will still offer more. You don’t want the responsibility for intoxicating anyone, certainly not someone’s child. I’m going to be boring and suggest you have something else prepared to share with your teenage guests.

Our Teenagers

I am zoche to many wonderful neighbors, a number of whom are mechanchim. Each Purim, I see droves of drunk bochurim. It’s a miracle of nature that they magically get younger and younger each year. Drunk driving is often not the issue, since many of them are so young they’re not even eligible for their permits.

Many of us have consulted our personal rabbonim about how the inyan of drinking is applicable to our teenage boys. While this is completely anecdotal, those I’ve spoken with were not encouraged to allow their teenagers to imbibe meaningful quantities of alcoholic beverages. In other words, our rabbis did not feel our sons should get drunk. There seems to be a very big difference be-

tween the words of our rabbonim and the behavior of our youth.

Every family will handle this differently, and I can just share what our family did. We explained to our boys that we were approaching this as a halachic issue, similar to any other questions that come up in our lives, and trying to follow the ratzon Hashem. Acting hefker or drinking just because their friends were was not the appropriate approach.

It would be misleading to think this talk only started before Purim. The truth is that our values regarding drinking (on Shabbos and in general), along with our views on drugs and smoking, are something we periodically discuss with our children yearround. Ironically enough, this often happens at our Shabbos table. Often a kiddush club or drunk mispallel is the impetus for the discussion coming up. Appropriate use of alcoholic beverages should be as much a part of your child’s chinuch as any other matter that will come up.

Our Message

Our children watch us and learn from our behavior. We may intend to give one lesson, while our actions convey a completely different message. As an example, years ago I was

talking to a young mother when her child hit a sibling. She immediately spanked the child and said that it was because he/she hit. The mother meant to impress upon her child that hitting is wrong, but I don’t think that was the lesson learnt.

We have to be careful about what messages we are subtly teaching our impressionable youngsters. What message is being taught when our children watch men leave during the rav’s speech for the kiddush club? Speaking more lovingly about our

Shabbos table l’chaim than we speak about the parsha conveys more than we realize.

Wine is traditionally used for kiddush and often for havdala. I’m not indicating our long held minhagim are wrong, chas v’shalom. Prohibition hasn’t been successful anywhere, for many reasons. Ensuring we teach our children a healthy perspective on alcohol is important. We can most effectively educate our long-held values when our behavior is consistent with our intended message.

Anyone who even just suspects they may have issues with alcohol should not be embarrassed to seek help. Addiction is a real issue like any other medical matter and should be treated by a professional. A child benefits from a healthy parent and will learn much about personal strength seeing a parent’s journey to sobriety.

Have a wonderful Purim with your child. Enjoy seeing Hashem’s yeshuos, and may we merit to see the ultimate

geulah, bimheira b’yamienu.

You don’t want the responsibility for intoxicating anyone, certainly not someone’s child.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.