Purim in 2022 by Avi Heiligman

from Five Towns Jewish Home - 3-10-22

Putin’s War Reminds Us Why Liberal Democracy is Worth Defending by Fareed Zakaria

Forgotten Her es Purim in 2022

By Avi Heiligman

Well, hello again to my readers, especially to those who only read this column once a year and tune in just for the Purim issue. In previous Purim articles, we have dug into longlost medrashim on the Megillah and have found transcripts from reporters actually at ground zero during the Purim story. For this year, we had to put on our thinking caps (with built-in masks provided by Dr. Fauci), and this is our version on how some of the events during the Purim story would have looked like if they occurred in the 21st century.

Achashveirosh became king over 127 countries by winning the kingship election which, of course, he did not rig in any way (wink, wink). The ballot boxes were totally secure, and the count did not stop in the middle of the night despite reports from ballot watchers wearing red hats. The press is still trying to figure out what happened to his opponent, but they don’t believe that he ran away with Prince Harry when he abdicated.

Anyway, to celebrate his victory, Achashveirosh decided to make a lavish inaugural banquet, so they booked the largest stadium in land for the event of the century. The stadium concourse was normally packed with shidduch dates, so the dates had to relocate to the hotel lobby near the airport. The large grand ballroom had political campaign signs all over the place, and banners featuring the local soccer teams were hanging proudly. Right above the king’s throne was a poster depicting the colors of the king’s favorite team – the Shushan Shakshukas – and their mascot, which is a purple egg named Gritty.

The rabbis said not go to the feast but people still went because they heard that this was the Kiddush to End All Kiddushim, aka the Ultimate Kiddush Club. Charcuterie boards, foie gras, sushi with real caviar, and the latest Rebbe’s Choice herrings along with finest Scotch and bourbon were all served. A lot of people were hesitant to go, because they knew that the king was sponsored by Nike and they all wore Adidas. But they went anyway. At this lavish party, both the vaxxed and unvaxxed mingled together, which drew the ire of the greatest doctor in the land. The doctor, whose first name was Jill and no one knew what type of medicine she practiced, conspired to come up with a way to get back at the people, but ultimately it was the secretary of war, Haman ibn Soleimani ibn Osama bin Laden, who came up with the idea to get rid of the queen. He hated her, because she constantly beat him at Wordle.

The next day, when the king woke up from his Russian-made vodka-induced hangover he realized what he had done and decided to make a beauty pageant to decide who will become his next wife. We all know that Esther won, because it was broadcast on CNN Network which rightfully earned the nickname Cover No News. Then again, it was CNN, and no one watched the network anyways.

During this time, two brutes from the king’s personal security detail decided they had enough with his requests for Red Bull in the middle of the night and decided to kill him. Brute No. 1, Vladimir ibn Putin aka Putty Put, said they should use the latest Russian-made weapons to kill the king. Brute No.2, Kim Maniac Un aka Little Rocket Man, said fine, but Mordechai understood their gibberish and told the king. The king immediately had them banished from the kingdom and sent them to Somalia.

At this point, Haman was getting fed up with Mordechai not joining in his “peaceful protests” that were organized to protest anything he didn’t like. Haman asked his wife Press Secretary Jen Zeresh for help, and she said to build a skyscraper, but he didn’t know who would finance it. Zeresh’s opponent said Mexico should pay for it, but they only know how to climb walls and not build them. In the end, Haman had to sell his huge stockpile of toilet paper that he had been hoarding for two years in order the finance his killing machine.

That night, he went into the king’s man-cave where he saw Achashveirosh looking at his personal diary. The king was pondering what it would take to become a social media influence, and then exclaimed, “I got it!” Haman replied, “Six feet and put on a mask because your breath smells. Oh, and the answer to the question as to what shall

be done to the man whom the king wishes to honor is simple” and whispered the grandiose plan. The king said, “Do these things to Mordechai because he saved my life.”

The next day, Haman, against his will, was forced to go to the local rental car place and forked over a fortune to rent a Tesla. He then went to the Beis Medrash, scared the daylights out of all the kids because he was wearing bell bottom pants (Haman had no real sense of style), and got Mordechai ready for their road trip. They drove around town with “Thus shall be done to whom the king wishes to honor” blaring out of the speakers. As they passed the house where Haman’s daughter was living on the third floor, she looked down and saw two men were driving around. She thought Haman was wearing the king’s crown and Mordechai was the chauffeur, so she spilled her garbage can which was filled with junk mail and weeks’ old turkey sandwiches on top on him. Haman looked up and she saw him shouting. What she didn’t realize was that there was incoming missile from a drone that headed her way and that was the end of her.

Haman returned home dejected

mainly because one piece of mail landed on his lap, and he realized that the water bill had went through the roof. As he walked in, everyone fainted because of the stench. The king’s men came to take him to a party with Esther and the king but didn’t want to touch him because he smelled so bad, so they poked him with hockey sticks. At the party, Haman didn’t want to eat mainly because he didn’t like cholent and potato kugel (Esther had an Ashkenazi

background). Then Esther accused him of trying to kill the Jews, and the king then had Haman electrocuted.

Later, authorities found strong evidence that Haman was wanted for war crimes. Thirty years earlier he had been hiding out in a compound in Abbatobad, Pakistan, but upon further inquiry, Pakistani authorities vehemently denied any association with him. They also found proof that he was possibly building a biological bomb in his home but upon further inspection it was determined to be his stinky clothes.

In the end, Haman had to sell his huge stockpile of toilet paper that he had been hoarding for two years in order the finance his killing machine.

This, my friend, is the Purim story befitting for true news sources like ABC and NBC. The Babylon Bee actually originated in Shushan and can trace back its roots to this story.

Have a Happy Purim everyone!