Living Life by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

A Life Lived

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

The tears are just at the edge. The smallest thing, and they will come out. Filling up the hot water pot for Shabbos, thinking, Wait, a little more for Bobby. No, not true.

A few sprinkles down my cheeks.

A grandson gives me a silent hug. He used to be a shared grandson, but no longer. My throat tightens. How will we all get through?

Well, I think it goes by days. Every day maybe it gets a little easier. That’s a tall tale. I’ve been here before. It doesn’t get better so fast.

I miss her, the Bobby of shared grandchildren.

In extending her condolences, a friend of mine noted with shock, “We’re of an age where there are fewer years left than lived.”

Is it possible that that’s a good thing, actually. For all of us.

Close your eyes and think of your most precious possession. Now imagine someone will take it. Not that they’re trying to take it right now, but there’s no question; they definitely will. Would you use it more often? Look at it more? Feel the pleasure of it more deeply? Get more satisfaction from it?

But that’s your life. It’s worth everything. Everything. It’s worth more than money. Isn’t it odd that we chase after the dollar, wasting hours, wasting years, allowing the vitality of our lives to slither away?

And for what? What?

Bobby was frugal. She was a

schoolteacher who had to support five kids after she lost her husband. So she stepped up to the plate, rolling up her sleeves, but never losing sight of what was important. How many siblings raise their own children within five blocks of each other and their mother? How many want that closeness?

How many siblings stand at the podium to eulogize their mother but can’t stop themselves from thanking a sister or admiring a brother?

That’s knowing what’s important. That’s raising children to value time and how you use it.

They use it to build relationships. Good ones. Because in a contest between time and money, money is the loser. Unless, of course, you use it to

create something worthwhile.

Still, if you slave to create a monument to yourself without the love of your family, what do you have? What, really, was the point?

Some of the things we shared and did: Bobby and I used to take Shabbos walks together. She liked my almost-raw salmon, making a grand two of us who felt that way out of a large table filled with people. I made sure to get a hot cup of coffee for her when I’d get mine. We both enjoyed ventures into new cuisine that we tried out on our mutual family.

The missing her is painful.

The only thing good about that pain is I’d rather feel it than be numb. Oddly enough, a good percent if people throwing away their lives on things that will never reap any joy are incapable of feeling joy because they cut off their emotions ages ago. Since they are walking around numb, they are out of pain.

But they’re also out of life.

The gift with the biggest potential of all gets lost along the way. That is truly the saddest thing possible.

At least Bobby lived a full life, loving each and every child, grandchild, great-grandchild, child-in-law and machutanim for who that person really is.

Now, that’s living.

A friend of mine noted with shock, “We’re of an age where there are fewer years left than lived.”

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.