Jennifer Mann, LCSW

Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear Navidaters,

I have been dating Sara for two months, and things have been going very well. I saw a future with her and was looking forward to spending chol hamoed Pesach in her hometown.

As Pesach is approaching, we were discussing some date ideas, and she casually mentioned going to a dog park with her family dog. I was absolutely stunned. In the two months I have known her she has not once mentioned having a dog, and I feel betrayed as if she has been lying to me. This is a big piece of information to leave out. I catch myself asking what else she is hiding from me and has not mentioned until now? Besides the fact that I am allergic to dogs and am no longer looking forward to spending time in her family’s home, I feel betrayed that she never shared this piece of information sooner. Are my feelings valid?

I seriously have thoughts of breaking up because of this.

-Ben*

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Ben, you sound really angry. You are taking this piece of information very personally and having a very strong reaction. It’s not just about allergies.

Keep the dog in context. A dog is just a dog. What is beneath your anger, suspicion, and stunned reaction? Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you are reacting this way. How did you respond to this news? Were you able to manage your strong feelings? Do you have an anger management issue? A trust issue? Relationship issues of your own? Do you have a pattern of explosion and suspicion in your relationships?

Once you have examined yourself, think about Sara and be honest. Have you given her time and a listening ear? Can you say to yourself that you have heard her talk about her important relationships? Do you know who her close friends and mentors are? What do you know about her relationships with her parents and siblings?

Does she have a relationship with the family dog or is the dog part of the family culture without her having a strong connection to the dog? If she feels very connected to the dog, it is an important relationship that should be explored. Hear her out. Talk about important relationships with her. What are other important relationships in her life? In her family?

For some people, a family having a dog is symbolic of a foreign Jewish culture, almost. But that doesn’t seem to be your issue. Your issue seems to be with Sara herself. Take a good look at your reaction, examine yourself, listen to Sara, and deal with your anger issues.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Dogs, like politics, are a ruff subject. Like with politics, if someone is passionate about it, the topic will come out in your first meeting.

In my opinion, the answer to your question is in the quandary itself – you have not heard about it! You are shocked that Sara has not mentioned that she has a family dog but likely that is because to her it’s not such a big deal! If she was a “dog person,” trust me, you would have heard all about him. From his cute doggie sweaters to his favorite chew toy to his adorable doggie friends! You would have seen pictures, even video chatted with the family dog by now if Sara was indeed a true dog person.

Do not take this personally and certainly do not feel as if she was lying to you; I’m sure it was not her intention.

I understand you have allergies, so you will have to navigate your health while in her home for Pesach, but this is no reason to avoid the trip or question your relationship.

One more piece of advice, dig deep within yourself and analyze why you

Don’t let the dog become a bone of contention.

had such a strong reaction of betrayal. Your lack of trust and paranoia surrounding unimportant, untold information raises questions on my end whether you are in a healthy place. Definitely seek professional counsel to delve into this matter before you get married.

Much hatzlacha.

The Single

Rivka Weinberg

Ben, I agree with you that it’s a little weird that Sara has not mentioned her dog in the past two months you have been dating. Due to your dog allergy, I understand why this piece of information is significant to you and why you feel unsettled. However, I don’t think I would now jump to the conclusion that your entire relationship is built on betrayal and dishonesty.

It’s interesting that you say things are going well, you see a future with Sara, and you plan to spend time with her family over Pesach, and now you find out this piece of information about her dog and want to end the relationship. From my perspective, I want to recap what you just said: you’re dating a girl, find out later than you wanted to that she has a dog, and now want to end the relationship because she may be hiding other things. It sounds to me that things are going well and you’re nervous to take the next step, so you’re grasping onto a small thing and convincing yourself it’s larger than it really is.

Before you potentially sabotage what sounds like a healthy and successful relationship thus far, take a hard look in the mirror and determine if your nerves are speaking or if this is actually a concern of yours.

I suggest you speak with a rav or a mentor to help you differentiate your feelings to allow yourself to make a smart and rational decision.

As always, continue to daven to Hakadosh Baruch Hu for clarity and menuchas hanefesh along the way.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Dog-gone it, are you saying that a promising relationship is in jeopardy?

I’m trying to understand why her not mentioning the family dog is such a big issue for you. You can’t possibly know everything about each other in a mere two months. She probably also didn’t mention the goldfish that died when she was in the third grade. Why are you so shocked that the family dog hasn’t yet come up in conversation? OK, you explained that you are allergic to dogs, and you might need to take your allergy pills when you visit her family. But your overreaction makes me suspect that you’re getting cold feet about the relationship. (By contrast, dogs have cold noses.)

Of course, you should have a conversation with her about the dog issue, and see if she is sympathetic or is dismissive about your concerns. Her response will tell you a lot about her character.

After five decades with my wife, I am still surprised by things I never knew about her (and about women, in general). But it’s never a big deal and doesn’t jeopardize our relationship.

Carefully analyzing if you’re ready to commit to her is proper and healthy. But don’t let the dog become a bone of contention. If you pin the blame on the “tail” of the dog, you’re barking up the wrong tree.

So, trust me when I say that you don’t need to raise the woof over this non-issue.

And, remember, you can trust me. After all, I’m a dentist, and I’ve been treating canines for years. And, you don’t need to thank me, because it’s the leash I can do for you.

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Dear Ben,

My personal belief is that animals are a touchy subject. There are two camps. The animal lovers and the non-lovers/don’t-come-within-tenfeet-of-me people. Within the animal lover camp, of course, is typically a clear delineation between the cat people and the dog people, but I digress.

Animal people usually cannot understand how a non-animal person cannot have the heart space to love an animal. And the non-animal lovers just don’t get the pull. Some are scared of dogs or cats or birds because of a bad experience, some are simply not interested in the time, cost and mess, and yet, others have allergies.

I can understand why you may have been surprised to learn that Sara has a dog. I find it surprising that the dog never came up. That may or may not be indicative of the amount of sharing and getting to know each other you two have done thus far. It may be indicative that she simply forgot to tell you or that she does not have an affinity for the family pet and doesn’t have much to do with the dog. Before we jump the gun and make assumptions about Sara, would you simply ask her something along the lines of: “How come you never told me about Fido?” Perhaps I am completely off here (it won’t be the first time), but I am getting a sense that you and Sara really need to work on your communication. She withheld the dog information from you, and you are quick to assume she may be hiding other things from you.

I think that you and Sara need to have a good, old-fashioned conversation in which you express yourself gently and calmly to her. Let her know about your allergies and, again, find out why she never told you about the dog. I am so curious to know about the rest of your relationship and whether or not this truly is an anomaly (in which case, maybe you can assume innocent until proven guilty if you really have feelings for Sara) or whether there are other breakdowns like these.

Whatever happens, the most important thing a couple can ever do to try to ensure a successful relationship is to talk honestly. Things will come up in life. Little things and big things. It is so important to make sure that you and your partner have amazing, comfortable communication established before getting married!

Rather than guess and wonder if your feelings are valid, get talking with Sara. I don’t know if you will like the answer, but I am hopeful that you will be glad that you did!

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.