8 minute read
Parenting Pearls
Ignore This Article
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
Iguess that title risked losing some readers. For those of you who stayed, the title was actually partially serious. Allow me to explain.
We all know that from the moment a pregnancy is obvious, many people see that as an invitation to offer unsolicited parenting advice. That unrequested invitation seems to continue on straight through the years as you raise your children. It seems like nearly everyone has something to say, something to offer, and knows what’s best for you and your family. To be honest, some will have something worthwhile to offer and it’s worth listening to. On the other hand, not everything spoken is worth hearing.
Often, someone will insist that they have “the answer” to whatever problem you are (or aren’t) facing. I’ve seen this advice come in all forms – from how to prepare for yom tov, organize my homeschool, treat a medical condition, or raise my child. What works for someone else won’t necessarily work for you. It’s important to filter what you hear before deciding what does and does not work in your personal circumstances.
Use what is helpful and ignore what isn’t. Don’t feel guilty ignoring unhelpful advice. But don’t be too proud to implement a great idea. What is someone else’s miracle could be a mess for you to try. This applies to anyone’s advice or article, even my own.
The title to this article is only partially in jest. In any given article, I hope my suggestions are helpful but I know that some of what I say won’t be helpful for every family. No matter the source, you want to use the good and push aside the bad. Honestly, some advice I’ve received was so terrible that the advice in question shouldn’t have just been pushed aside but burned with the chametz and then still sold. Have rachmanus on the gentile that has to buy that advice!
They Don’t Have Your Child
Your child is unique and what works well for one child could, chas v’shalom, be disastrous to another child. Sadly, some people act like children are one-size-fits-all. It doesn’t work for clothing and it doesn’t work for children. Just like no two children are the same (not even twins), no two children can be parented identically. As an example, some children are more sensitive than others. While it may work well for one child if you are firm and he/she may thrive on the extra structure, it can be devastating for another, more sensitive child. An example of this is that it’s standard advice to give a firm “no” to a nursling when they bite. For most babies it’s enough to deter them from repeating the negative behavior. A friend’s child was so sensitive that when his mother followed this well-respected advice, the little guy refused to ever nurse again.
Alternatively, some kids need that extra firm tone and a wishy-washysounding parent doesn’t get through. Please note that you can sound firm without sounding mean or aggressive. A trick for this last one is dropping your pitch at the end. Often, we instinctively raise our pitch which makes us sound like we’re whining or asking; when we drop the pitch at the end it sounds firm. I heard this from a friend who said she heard it from a show about parenting.
You’re Not That Parent
Not only is your child unique but so are you. We easily forget that we need to respect our own unique needs and temperaments. I can’t be the parent you are, and you can’t be the parent I am. If we pretend to be who we’re not, it usually doesn’t turn out well.
An example of this idea is that some parents are more organized than others and some are more strict than others. Organization tips that work wonderfully for one parent could drive another parent insane. I’ve seen some parents that are naturally so strictly regimented that it makes the military appear lax. While that works for some, it doesn’t work for others.
Some parents naturally need to keep a very organized home, and others prefer a more “lived in” look. The parents that need to have everything organized at all times will feel out of sorts in a disorganized environment, while more relaxed-feeling parents would feel overwhelmed continuously trying to put everything in the right place.
Telling a laid-back parent they need to be firmer with their child can cause a naturally calm parent to feel the need to discipline unnaturally and the poor child may get screamed at all day. But if you encourage a mother or father to parent within their natural temperament, you’ll find a better balance.
Now, some parents may need a stricter or more laid-back parenting approach at times but it can often still be done in a way that fits the parent. I’m not saying that everyone is always doing everything correctly, although that would be nice. There certainly are times we need to tweak things but those changes should be made while respecting who we are so they can be implemented successfully. Change needs to be gradual and done thought-
fully for it to ultimately succeed.
Life Changes
Not only are your needs different but our needs change as our circumstances evolve. I know that at some point in my life one solution worked great, but at a later time, as our family’s circumstances changed, so did what worked for us. I remember a friend insisted she had the homeschooling organizational method for us. Honestly, it didn’t work at that time, and I tried to nod politely as she pushed it on me, knowing it wasn’t a good fit. It worked well for her but it wasn’t going to meet my family’s needs. A few years later, that method actually did fit and I used it. The fit only lasted for a year or two before I stopped but it’s now in my toolbox of organizational tips. I may come back to it again this year for one of my kids. We will see in September if the fit is right.
Make sure the timing and life circumstances fit with the advice to have a successful adjustment. Pick and Choose
When you are given advice, it helps to evaluate it first. Obviously, an article can never cover everything to take into consideration but here are some ideas. A question that may be helpful is seeing who the advice is coming from.
A long-time parent with wonderfully raised children may be more reputable than someone who has no child-based experience.
How well does this person know you or your child? You may find you get more helpful advice from a person that knows your situation or personality better than a person whom you meet randomly on the line of the supermarket.
What experience or credentials does this person have? I actually received excellent advice from an occupational therapist I met in a waiting
room. I didn’t know her well, but she was a professional that had experience with our exact situation. Her advice was just what our son needed, and it really helped. Alternatively, the random woman on the street that yelled at me to beat my child as a discipline method didn’t seem to have any credentials at all (sadly, it’s a true story, too). Obviously, I followed the occupational therapist’s advice and not the angry, cursing woman’s advice.
What is the advice being given? Good advice can come from unexpected sources while wonderful resources can give unexpectedly poor advice. Take the time to think over what you’ve been offered and see if it’s worth implementing now, saving for later, or burning with the chametz.
Think of advice like a good pair of shoes; your child grows into them and out of them. Shoes that are a great fit for one individual at one period of time may be a terrible fit for another or at a different time.
As always, daven; it’s advice that always fits.
Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.
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