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OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
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AUGUST 5, 2021 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Parenting Pearls
Ignore This Article By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
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guess that title risked losing some readers. For those of you who stayed, the title was actually partially serious. Allow me to explain. We all know that from the moment a pregnancy is obvious, many people see that as an invitation to offer unsolicited parenting advice. That unrequested invitation seems to continue on straight through the years as you raise your children. It seems like nearly everyone has something to say, something to offer, and knows what’s best for you and your family. To be honest, some will have something worthwhile to offer and it’s worth listening to. On the other hand, not everything spoken is worth hearing. Often, someone will insist that they have “the answer” to whatever problem you are (or aren’t) facing. I’ve seen this advice come in all forms – from how to prepare for yom tov, organize my homeschool, treat a medical condition, or raise my child. What works for someone else won’t necessarily work for you. It’s important to filter what you hear before deciding what does and does not work in your personal circumstances. Use what is helpful and ignore what isn’t. Don’t feel guilty ignoring unhelpful advice. But don’t be too proud to implement a great idea. What is someone else’s miracle could
be a mess for you to try. This applies to anyone’s advice or article, even my own. The title to this article is only partially in jest. In any given article, I hope my suggestions are helpful but I know that some of what I say won’t be helpful for every family. No matter the source, you want to use the good and push aside the bad. Honestly, some advice I’ve received was so terrible that the advice in question shouldn’t have just been pushed aside but burned with the chametz and then still sold. Have rachmanus on the gentile that has to buy that advice!
They Don’t Have Your Child Your child is unique and what works well for one child could, chas v’shalom, be disastrous to another child. Sadly, some people act like children are one-size-fits-all. It doesn’t work for clothing and it doesn’t work for children. Just like no two children are the same (not even twins), no two children can be parented identically. As an example, some children are more sensitive than others. While it may work well for one child if you are firm and he/she may thrive on the extra structure, it can be devastating for another, more sensitive child. An example of this is that it’s standard advice to give a firm “no” to a nursling
when they bite. For most babies it’s enough to deter them from repeating the negative behavior. A friend’s child was so sensitive that when his mother followed this well-respected advice, the little guy refused to ever nurse again. Alternatively, some kids need that extra firm tone and a wishy-washysounding parent doesn’t get through. Please note that you can sound firm without sounding mean or aggressive. A trick for this last one is dropping your pitch at the end. Often, we instinctively raise our pitch which makes us sound like we’re whining or asking; when we drop the pitch at the end it sounds firm. I heard this from a friend who said she heard it from a show about parenting.
You’re Not That Parent Not only is your child unique but so are you. We easily forget that we need to respect our own unique needs and temperaments. I can’t be the parent you are, and you can’t be the parent I am. If we pretend to be who we’re not, it usually doesn’t turn out well. An example of this idea is that some parents are more organized than others and some are more strict than others. Organization tips that work wonderfully for one parent could drive another parent insane. I’ve seen some
parents that are naturally so strictly regimented that it makes the military appear lax. While that works for some, it doesn’t work for others. Some parents naturally need to keep a very organized home, and others prefer a more “lived in” look. The parents that need to have everything organized at all times will feel out of sorts in a disorganized environment, while more relaxed-feeling parents would feel overwhelmed continuously trying to put everything in the right place. Telling a laid-back parent they need to be firmer with their child can cause a naturally calm parent to feel the need to discipline unnaturally and the poor child may get screamed at all day. But if you encourage a mother or father to parent within their natural temperament, you’ll find a better balance. Now, some parents may need a stricter or more laid-back parenting approach at times but it can often still be done in a way that fits the parent. I’m not saying that everyone is always doing everything correctly, although that would be nice. There certainly are times we need to tweak things but those changes should be made while respecting who we are so they can be implemented successfully. Change needs to be gradual and done thought-
