We Want to Be Heard by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

from Five Towns Jewish Home - 12-30-21

Teen Talk

Dr. Deb “We Want to be Heard!”

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

“This is how it goes, Dr. Deb,” Suzanne was telling me. (All stories are made up.) “We each have a big ego, and we each think that what we have to say is important. So we start saying it. Except no one gets heard. And instead of quieting down, it just escalates. Always.”

What’s so interesting about this is that Suzanne and her husband know what’s happening – and they can’t stop it.

But, see, this has nothing to do with intelligence. Not even emotional intelligence. This has to do with the automatic reaction to being triggered. We all have it. It was built into us for survival purposes. It is located in the amygdala of our brains and is meant to warn us of danger.

Except that where human interaction is concerned, it can become just a tad over-reactive.

Why?

For each person, there could be different reasons. Let’s take a look at Suzanne and her husband, Dan, first.

Couple #1: Suzanne and Dan

Suzanne came from a large family, mostly of older boys. The boys were strong-minded and had a lot to say. The children came one after the other, and by the time Suzanne appeared, her parents didn’t have much energy to cater to her wants and needs.

She wasn’t exactly ignored; she got what children should have. Someone asked if she’d done her homework every night – but then again, no one checked, and she could lie and not get found out. As a result, she did not do very well in school.

No one seemed bothered by it, either – except Suzanne. She wasn’t exactly bothered; I should correct that: she simply came to the conclusion that she wasn’t very smart. (There was no reality testing here. I’ve had a lot of clients who for different reasons came to the false conclusion that they weren’t smart due to mishandling their performance in school.)

But when she met Dan, things changed.

He was actually interested in her and in her ideas. It was glorious! Like an addict, she couldn’t get enough of being heard and validated by Dan.

Dan grew up in a different kind of environment. His mom had passed away when he was young. He was a sad little boy with no one there to give him the extra comfort that only a mother can give. His father was too preoccupied with his own sadness to do much for Dan.

So Dan remained a quiet kid, wanting to connect and having just a few close friends with whom he could hit a ball around on a grassy field.

When Dan met Suzanne, she seemed so interested in him, so alive, so full of great thoughts, it really perked him up that she was happy to share all that with him. He loved that.

But years have a funny way of calling out from us the things in us that we need to pay more attention to. Dan began to wonder why this lovely woman was not as interested in him as he was in her and not interested as much in his ideas as he was in hers.

He was depressed and started to see an individual therapist who encouraged him to be more assertive. (This is a great example of where a therapist really should understand the ecology of the system in which she is tinkering. In theory, helping Dan be assertive is great – in fact, it is the last module in my couples course. Notice, I say “last” because before that, each person individually needs the selflove to heal from past pain rather than the unrealistic expectation that their spouse is there to supply what their parents didn’t.)

Suzanne’s conclusion was wrong. Neither she nor Dan had big egos. On the contrary, they were each wounded and needed healing from the traumas of childhood that they had experienced.

Couple #2 Sheryl and David

Sheryl’s parents could not get pregnant. They tried everything for years. Then one day, magic happened, and Sheryl came into their lives. Needless to say, they doted on her. She could do no wrong because they just delighted so much in who she was that they totally left behind any discipline whatsoever.

She was quite popular in school. She was always the ringleader with a troop of followers. But Sheryl never learned how to compromise, how to listen, and how to be part of as opposed to all of. Because she was bright and pretty, that didn’t seem to matter much. She also never learned the skills of pushing ahead towards a goal or, in fact, doing anything. She did not know what she wanted to do once she was out of college.

David and his brothers got ridden hard by immigrant parents who pushed their children to succeed against all odds. They all three did, indeed, become successful professionals. David was used to leadership and getting listened to. When he succeeded, that was as it “should” be so there was no reason for him to receive compliments. When he failed – well, he simply knew that was not an option. It’s interesting how children learn on an unconscious level what

is and is not tolerated in their family.

But he was lonely. “It can’t be all me,” he thought. There was a hunger inside him to have a partner who somehow added to whatever it was that he was. After all, if he could not fail, did that mean that if he did fail, he’d be worthless? Deep inside, he was not quite sure if he was worthy of love for being just “David.”

Sheryl was the spark of light that he wanted. She had this freedom about her because she never had to toe the mark. She was happy and fun since no one ever had expected anything of her. And she admired David tremendously for all that he had achieved. Achievements were not in her vocabulary for herself, but she needed them from someone else or how would she survive?

The marriage went well for some years until David took a risk to achieve something even greater in the world of business – and failed. He wondered if he would still be loved now. It didn’t take long to find out.

It’s not that Sheryl couldn’t have loved him, but as she said to her shrink, “That is not what I bargained for when I married David.” And on top of it, she would have to go to work which was totally scary to her.

Instead of appreciating the opportunity to learn and grow from the troubles that arose in the marriage, they argued about it. Arguments serve the great purpose of keeping people from moving ahead to scary territory. the arguments come from. None of them are about ego. They’re about being scared of the future, uncertain of who they are, hurt children inside in need of nurturing, unclear on how to set boundaries, and so on.

While it is absolutely true that a spouse can add incredible joy, kindness, validation, support, and love to a person’s life, it’s always best to use the bumps in the road as warning signs to do inner healing rather than blaming a partner for not being what you thought they were. It is only when that work is more or less on track that a couple should come together to share their vulnerability so that they can reform their connection.

None of these people are “bad” and neither are most people, even those governed so much by fear that their demands and behavior lean toward the irrational. But like most of us who enter into an imperfect world, we can use some help with parts of us that were neglected, injured, or given too loud a voice or not enough of one.

With inner healing comes the desire to grow even more, including accepting upon oneself one’s limitations, stretching to be more and better, humility, compassion, consideration, and courtesy.

Interestingly, out of this kind of fertile soil, deep love for a partner, the in-love kind, can grow.