Teen Talk

By Rabbi Doniel Drando , LMFT

Dear Teen Talk,

Teen Talk, a new I am 16 years old and have five younger siblings. I have always been what the world column in TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for. would consider a “good kid.” I do what I am told. I am studious and responsible and have always helped with my siblings. The problem is that I can’t seem to get my parents’ attention! I mean, they love me and will always help me if I need them. But my siblings just take so much of their energy and time. I have all kinds of worries and challenges and I don’t feel like my parents care enough to notice. Maybe if I had acted out like my 14-year-old brother does I would get more attention. How can I get my parents to notice me?

Answer:

Wow! You sound like every parent’s dream! A mature, responsible, young man who takes life seriously and is interested in his parents’ advice and attention. Although being so mature seems like it hasn’t really worked out in your favor, I assure you that it has. We simply have to learn new ways of reaching out and seeking help, because the wisdom that is expressed in your question is a tool that will serve you very well in life. Don’t think for a second that you would be better off if you would “act out.” You are strong and caring and smart, and you have a track record of making good decisions. Let’s make sure that those amazing qualities are used to further your mission in life

and, with lots of siyata dishmaya, secure the best future possible! So, how do you get your parents attention without the benefit of the easy, attention-grabbers such as acting out and misbehaving? Before answering your question, I want to note a few points from your question that stick out to me. As the oldest of six, question is a tool that will you must have found serve you very well in life. yourself in a helping position from a fairly ond that you would be young age. I imag- ine that in better off if you would some ways you have been like a third parent to some (all??) of your siblings. How many diapers have you changed? How many bottles have you fed? Do you feel the weight of this as a burden? As a responsibility? Being the oldest sibling in a large family almost always comes with certain realities – extra

attention-grabbers such as acting out and misbehaving? Before answering your question, I want to note a few points from your question that stick out to tasks and chores and duties to fulfill. This can build character and become a great strength as you become a young adult.

However, you also need the space to be a teen who has a social life who has a social life and hobbies. You need and hobbies. You need to make sure that you are to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and taking care of yourself and that you see yourself as worthat you see yourself as worthy of happiness of your own. Do thy of happiness of your own. Do you take the time to consider your own joy and enjoyment? Do you have friends that you enjoy spending time with? You can’t be living day after day as a 16-year-old going on 40. If you ignore yourself and your needs now, when you are 40, and you are responsible for your own family, you may feel worn down and worn out. Or you may begin to develop assumptions about

responsibilities that are a bit distorted.

You must be a teen during these teenage years. This doesn’t mean you should make trouble, chas v’shalom. However, it does mean that you must see yourself as a person separate from those who rely upon you. So go out with friends. Pick up a book. Play ball. Whatever enjoyable healthy outlets are available to you, seek them out!

Now, on a different note, let’s talk about your relationship with your parents. On one hand, you say that they care about you and love you. On the other hand, you say that you don’t feel that they care enough to notice your needs. I want to highlight the seem-

ing contradiction here. Not to call you out, but to bring the truth to light. The truth is that people often have conflicting feelings. Two feelings that seem to contradict each other. I want you to know that that is completely normal! You feel your parents’ love, and at the very same time you feel that they don’t care! In truth, you know that they care. But it can definitely feel as though they do not. So, the real question is: how do you tap into that love and care that you know your parents have for you and gain their much-needed attention?

The first thing I would like you to consider is if you have any resentments towards your parents for all the help you have provided with your siblings. From the sound of things, there are some resentments, and, if that is the case, the best thing would be to air that out. Now, you have to be respectful and mindful of all that they have done for you. So, when approaching them, it must be handled with care. Keep your goal clear: you want to express your appreciation for all they do,

while at the same time communicating that it has been a challenge to maintain your high level of familial responsibility. I have a feeling that this would open up a great deal for you and your relationship with your parents. If it is approached in a truly respectful way, you may find that this alone will be the ultimate answer to your conundrum.

I now want to turn to another aspect of the challenge you are facing. Based on your question my assumption is that your parents have no idea that you are struggling. They see a diligent young man who is respectful, doing well in school, and, seemingly, happy. I doubt they have any idea that you have so much on your mind. Additionally, since you are their oldest, they really don’t know what to expect. Seriously! Your parents have no experience parenting teens! You are the one they are learning on. So teach them. One of the biggest – and most natural – mistakes that humans make in relationships is waiting for their loved one to intuit or recognize that something is wrong. The belief is that: if they really loved me, they would know I’m hurting. Now, of course, it feels good when we see that our loved ones can pick up on our subtle cues. However, this waiting game is a recipe for disaster and often leads to serious resentment and anger. This type of dynamic often plays out in marriage as well, and it leaves the hurt spouse in an ever-growing state of pain and resentment.

The good news is that by communicating your feelings you can get exactly what you’re looking for. This is true in all relationships, and it is a great lesson to learn as a teen. If you have something on your mind, something which you need support to manage, don’t wait for someone to notice. Reach out and lean on the people who care about you!

You have two loving parents who, I have no doubt, want to help you however they can. By reaching out to them you will not only be able to access the support that you need, but you will also build a bridge to your parents which will strengthen your bond with them. The value of that cannot be overstated.

Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

towards your parents for all the help you have provided with your

One of the biggest - and most natural - mistakes that humans make in relationships is waiting for their loved one to intuit or recognize that something is wrong.

happy. I doubt they have any idea that you have so much on

Rabbi Doniel Drandoff is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in the Five Towns/Far Rockaway community, as well as Clinical Director of My Extended Family. He works with teens, young adults, families, and couples. You can reach Rabbi Drandoff at Dndrandoff@gmail.com.