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DECEMBER 30, 2021 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Teen Talk
By Rabbi Doniel Drandoff, LMFT
Dear Teen Talk,
Teen Talk , column in
a new
TJH, is geared to wards the teens in o ur commu nity. Answered by a rotati ng roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians , an d peers (!), te ens will b e hearing answers to many que stions the had perco y lating in th eir minds wished th an d ey had th e answers for.
I am 16 years old and have five younger siblings. I have always been what the world would consider a “good kid.” I do what I am told. I am studious and responsible and have always helped with my siblings. The problem is that I can’t seem to get my parents’ attention! I mean, they love me and will always help me if I need them. But my siblings just take so much of their energy and time. I have all kinds of worries and challenges and I don’t feel like my parents care enough to notice. Maybe if I had acted out like my 14-year-old brother does I would get more attention. How can I get my parents to notice me?
Answer:
Wow! You sound like every parent’s dream! A mature, responsible, young man who takes life seriously and is interested in his parents’ advice and attention. Although being so mature seems like it hasn’t really worked out in your favor, I assure you that it has. We simply have to learn new ways of reaching out and seeking help, because the wisdom that is expressed in your question is a tool that will serve you very well in life. Don’t think for a second that you would be better off if you would “act out.” You are strong and caring and smart, and you have a track record of making good decisions. Let’s make sure that those amazing qualities are used to further your mission in life
and, with lots of siyata dishmaya, secure the best future possible! So, how do you get your parents attention without the benefit of the easy, attention-grabbers such as acting out and misbehaving? Before answering your question, I want to note a few points from your question that stick out to me. As the oldest of six, you must have found yourself in a helping position from a fairly young age. I imagine that in some ways you have been like a third parent to some (all??) of your siblings. How many diapers have you changed? How many bottles have you fed? Do you feel the weight of this as a burden? As a responsibility? Being the oldest sibling in a large family almost always comes with certain realities – extra
tasks and chores and duties to fulfill. This can build character and become a great strength as you become a young adult. However, you also need the space to be a teen who has a social life and hobbies. You need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and that you see yourself as worthy of happiness of your own. Do you take the time to consider your own joy and enjoyment? Do you have friends that you enjoy spending time with? You can’t be living day after day as a 16-year-old going on 40. If you ignore yourself and your needs now, when you are 40, and you are responsible for your own family, you may feel worn down and worn out. Or you may begin to develop assumptions about
