15 minute read
Dating Dialogue, Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear I would like to ask the panel about shadchanus. Everyone talks about
Navidaters, getting involved in shidduchim, and I really wanted to do my part, since I just got married a couple years ago. I, baruch Hashem, made my first shidduch, which I worked really hard on. Getting the couple to go out was 80% of the battle, but I really saw the shidduch as a good one and encouraged it consistently. After four dates, they took things on their own, and although I checked in to see how things were going, they seemed to want to handle a lot of the “nitty gritty” stuff within the relationship with another woman. It seems that at a certain point when she saw it going well, she had taken on the shidduch hands-on in order to take credit for it as the shadchan.
I am very happy for my couple who seems to be doing well, but I know all the halachos of shadchanus, and that other woman, although she could have billed for “coaching,” should never have been given shadchanus. And as it seems, she had actually demanded it – half the shadchanus to be exact. They ended up giving me a small token of appreciation after the wedding, which was split with this other woman.
I can’t help but feel bad about it. Now I know why people shy away from doing this – it’s so time-consuming and draining only to have the end payment snatched away. I am sure this has happened to others as well and would be interested to hear the Navidaters thoughts. Can I say something to the young couple? Should I say something? Why are there no clear rules and guidelines that rabbis make sure shadchanim are properly paid?
Thanks,
Dena
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
There are halachos about shadchanus, as you said. I believe there are also mentions in halacha about people who still have feelings about the shadchanus that they feel they were owed. Discuss this with your local Orthodox rabbi. Rabbis are not investigators, for your information. It is not their obligation to check on whether proper shadchanus was given in every shidduch in their kehillah. However, your bitterness needs to be examined. You didn’t do this just for the money. People suggest shidduchim to do good like Hashem does good. You did this out of the goodness of your heart. The reward is heavenly and lifelong.
If you can’t “fargin” and remain bitter, you need to really look in the mirror. Do you fargin other people their nice homes, their vacations, their good kids?
Can you not overlook something that was perhaps unfair, practically and halachically? Don’t you want Hashem to overlook some things that you may have done that were not right? Learn to be big, not petty. You will be a stronger, more resilient person if you learn the skill of overlooking wrongs and perceived wrongs. You will also be happier as a farginner.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Your question resonates with me, and many of my shadchan friends, more than you can imagine! So firstly, thank you for being a validating voice. I will answer your question as if I am talking to singles, and to this woman who took away half of your shadchanus, because I believe this topic is an important one indeed. Successful shadchanim, whether they are professional (do it for a living) or dabblers (do it here and there) have one thing in common. They have a niche for tapping into a higher realm which Hakadosh Baruch Hu has created. Akin to a soundwave that can be heard by some, shadchanim and people who make matches on the side have been given a gift of intuition to “see” what many people cannot. Some people have a chush (talent) for math, some people have a chush for puzzles, some people have a chush for science, and we have a chush for shidduchim.
Now comes the hard part.
What if you have a chush for something that is direly needed within the frum community, however, it is so utterly time-consuming and draining yet there is no payment for it? Similar to the viral news recently highlighting the need for female teachers to receive higher wages, however, in the shadchan’s case: there are no wages. What if you cannot possibly hold
down another job while doing shidduchim full-time? So you either don’t give the frum community what they need (help with shidduchim, which you clearly have a talent and niche for) and instead focus on your 9-5. Or you are moser nefesh by giving up your proper 9-5 and devote yourself to shidduchim (not likely to ever happen). Or, you can be a dabbler and decide to do it sporadically (a disservice for our singles but what you realistically must do), when you have the free time, only.
But what if you have a real talent for it and are super successful? What about all the people who need you? Is that fair? Is it fair for frum society to create a need for shadchanim and then b’davka not compensate them?
This is where hakaras hatov comes in. There is a halacha in the Torah to give your shadchan “shadchanus,” a monetary gift, according to the going rate in your community. Just for transparency here, I will mention that the lowest “going rate” in any community I have heard of is $2,000 total. Split $1K and $1K from both the man and the woman’s sides, respectively. I personally know people who have given $3K from each side, and upwards way more than that. But I wrote above the lowest “going rate” so people can understand what bare minimum means in terms of average shadchanus. If this amount was broken up into the hours this shadchan had spent on the match, including searching for matches for you, helping you through ups and downs (sometimes even working as a photographer, date planner, therapist, and go between in the middle of upwards 3-4 different people at a time) and calculated the timing, she/he would be making much less than minimum wage. This is really why, at the end of the day, it is considered a “gift” – because there is truly no monetary compensation one could give that is equal to the job a shadchan has as a service of being Hashem’s Helper to bring a person their soulmate.
You are absolutely correct that a shadchan must be given the full shadchanus. Even if he/she was merely asked to be the go between – and kal v’chomer if she put her heart and soul into working on shidduchim for you in general which eventually landed in finding you your bashert for which she was shadchan. Someone who takes on the role of being a coach should charge a separate fee up-front and never ever have the audacity to ask for half of the amount owed to the shadchan. Someone who has a suggestion and gives it over to a shadchan to handle is also giving over the “rights” to the shadchan, and the shadchan should be paid in full for shadchanus.
Now, Dena, for the purpose of answering your particular questions. You should ask the rav of this particular couple how you should handle it directly, regarding what you are owed. Perhaps there is a fund this couple’s shul can tap into if the situation now with the other woman is too sticky to get involved. There are many stories revolving lack of appreciation in a shidduch which lead to unfortunate events, in which big rabbanim were consulted and replied, “Was proper shadchanus given?” This is something big on both a spiritual and middos level on the couples’ end.
One would never think of holding back payment from the wedding florist or decide that covering hair is a mitzvah so it must be justified to stiff the sheitel macher and keep the brand name wig along with the $5,000 owed and use the money instead to pay for a Hummer limousine after the wedding.
That would never fly and would end in a din Torah. So why is the same mindset not taken into account when paying a shadchan?
I hope and pray you are rewarded in Olam Hazeh and Olam Haba for your tremendous efforts bringing singles together in klal Yisroel. Thank you for your important question.
The Single
Tzipora Grodko
Hey Dena,
Thank G-d, I can relate to your joy of successfully making a shidduch. I remember thinking that making a shidduch must be one of the greatest achievements a person can do (other than having a baby and saving a life).
I strongly believe that negative details that interfere with bracha are an exact reflection of what galus is. G-d has given you the opportunity to be a shaliach for something miraculous. We are not judged on our success but the efforts we have invested. I am confident that the nature of you handling this experience will bring so much blessing, clarity, and insight into your life.
I share my approach with humility, understanding that I have little experience in this field. However, I do believe that our culture has influenced many moments of simcha with negative details that seem important short-term but are truly irrelevant long-term.
One of my mentors once taught me, “Much of our stress comes from bracha.” People will complain about the stress of a wedding, the exhaustion from hosting a family, the challenges of child-rearing, the hectic day at work…and so on. We desire blessing and success, and then complain from the “stress” that it brings.
It’s more than just “focusing on the good.” It’s focusing on emes, the truth. The more we focus on what really matters, the less stressed, upset, and dissatisfied we will be.
I understand that you may feel you deserved something else, but I encourage you to focus on the longterm bracha that this invaluable opportunity will bring into your life.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
My wife was the office manager in my dental practice and, years ago, we actually succeeded in making two shidduchim among our patients. We were so happy for them. We refused, of course, to accept any money from the happy couples. We did, however, consider placing a newspaper ad, saying, “Come to our dental office. We fill all the gaps in your life.”
By contrast, when providing dental treatment, we always made sure that the patients understood, beforehand, what their fees and payment schedules would be.
What I’m trying to say is that you need to decide: Will you be acting as a shadchan in order to do a good deed, help people, and get a nice mitzvah, or will you be doing this in order to make a living?
Being a shadchan today is not a simple or easy job. It certainly involves a lot more than simply suggesting to Chaim that he should call Rivka for a date. A successful shadchan must invest an awful lot of time and effort, spend countless hours on the phone, do a lot of psychological hand-holding, and be available at all hours for gut-wrenching phone calls.
Accordingly, there are halachas that require that the shadchanus fee be paid before a wedding is allowed to commence. However, it’s certainly understandable that many couples, who weren’t told differently beforehand, will show their gratitude and fulfill their halachic obligations with a nice Thank You card and a cake platter gift.
So, learn from this experience. If you want to be a professional shadchan and do so for a living, you need to act like a businesswoman, and, at the very beginning, make your fees crystal-clear to your prospective clients.
It’s probably a good idea to consult with other shadchanim in order to learn how to conduct the business professionally and responsibly. Some of your future colleagues might jealously guard their procedures and not wish to share with a future competitor. But, I know that in dentistry, established dentists are happy to share their knowledge and experiences with young colleagues who are just starting out. You need to find an established and respected shadchan who can mentor you.
I asked a successful, local shadchan about the fee that was unfairly taken from you. She said:
“This also happened to me. Even though I spent my blood, sweat, and tears with a couple, another person swooped in and expected half the shadchanus fee. I told myself that if I was not going to be get my reward in this world, I would gladly take it as an “IOU” in the next world. That helped me work through the unfair Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters
Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists We desire blessing and success, and then complain from the “stress” that it brings.
feeling. Hashem gives the ultimate rewards for this mitzvah.”
Tizki L’mitzvot!
Thank you for writing into our column. While most of the readership are not shadchanim, I believe many will relate to your feeling of having been swindled. We experience this at a very young age when we are assigned to a group project in class and we put in our all, only to have another child somehow take credit for our work. We experience this in the workplace, when a coworker takes credit for an assignment that we completed at a private lunch with the boss! And sometimes, we simply do not get paid by someone who owes us money for our hard-earned work. None of this is fair. While this woman may have helped the couple navigate their budding relationship, let it go on record (here in TJH) that you are the shadchan. You made the shidduch. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
If you have any halachic questions concerning shadchanus, or as Michelle mentioned, any concerns about the ramifications of shadchanus on the couple, I would encourage you to speak with a Rabbi. Perhaps there is a clear cut way to handle this and your problem will be solved.
Halacha aside, I believe you may be personally happier letting this go and also beginning to think about how you want to structure your wonderful service you provide to Jewish singles. Holding on to this is just not good for you, emotionally or physically. Whatever it would take for you personally to release this from your mind and your life, do that. Whether it is believing this money was never meant for you (bigger picture) or journaling about your feelings, release this from your life. If you are angry about this (understandably! and P.S., most of us ladies do not like to admit we are angry to others or ourselves), then go to a secluded area in nature and scream. Just scream it out. Sometimes (especially as women), we are taught that we are not allowed to be angry, and we are shamed for this feeling. We are taught to stifle this emotion. But anger is a feeling, just like any other. And when we stifle it, it comes out in all sorts of interesting and painful ways.
We are allowed to feel anger, and we should allow ourselves to feel it; not to sit in it, but to experience it so we can rid ourselves of it (so we don’t do passive aggressive things or have severe anxiety, etc.). If you’re angry, find your voice and scream. “I’m angry that this woman took from me what was mine! And I am allowed to have my feelings!” Every now and then, when we give ourselves permission to feel something, that something has a tendency of loosening its grip.
As hard as it is, focusing on the lesson(s) you learned from this situation may also be helpful toward releasing it. I don’t know the first thing about being a shadchan, but I am wondering if there is a way to make it clear to people you work with about your financial expectations should you make a successful match. While I can see some people being turned off by your respectful and kind, but clear boundaries, I can also see that many others might appreciate knowing what to expect as it takes the guesswork out. You get to figure out what works for you! And as long as your expectations are reasonable, you will then get to choose who you want to work with and who you don’t want to work with.
Mazal tov on making this shidduch! And thank you for all you do!
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and
