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DECEMBER 30, 2021 | The Jewish Home
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OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If… Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear Navidaters,
I would like to ask the panel about shadchanus. Everyone talks about getting involved in shidduchim, and I really wanted to do my part, since I just got married a couple years ago. I, baruch Hashem, made my first shidduch, which I worked really hard on. Getting the couple to go out was 80% of the battle, but I really saw the shidduch as a good one and encouraged it consistently. After four dates, they took things on their own, and although I checked in to see how things were going, they seemed to want to handle a lot of the “nitty gritty” stuff within the relationship with another woman. It seems that at a certain point when she saw it going well, she had taken on the shidduch hands-on in order to take credit for it as the shadchan. I am very happy for my couple who seems to be doing well, but I know all the halachos of shadchanus, and that other woman, although she could have billed for “coaching,” should never have been given shadchanus. And as it seems, she had actually demanded it – half the shadchanus to be exact. They ended up giving me a small token of appreciation after the wedding, which was split with this other woman. I can’t help but feel bad about it. Now I know why people shy away from doing this – it’s so time-consuming and draining only to have the end payment snatched away. I am sure this has happened to others as well and would be interested to hear the Navidaters thoughts. Can I say something to the young couple? Should I say something? Why are there no clear rules and guidelines that rabbis make sure shadchanim are properly paid? Thanks, Dena
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
