7 minute read
Parenting Pearls
Respecting Differences
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
Recently, there was a letter to the editor regarding issues with carpooling. The author mentioned some interesting points, including the issue of his/her child being shown material that wasn’t to their family’s standards. For me, this brought up the interesting discussion about respecting each other’s values and how we educate our children to understand differences with their peers.
I think this issue is even more important to discuss today as we live in an increasingly polarized society. We’ve always had different opinions being expressed but I don’t recall it being so black and white, right and wrong. The idea of “agreeing to disagree” no longer has meaning. It used to be that you could still recognize the good in another person, even if you didn’t share the same views because their differences didn’t define them. We now see less and less tolerance for others being different and respecting them for, and despite, those differences. Politics is only one of many possible examples.
Additionally, it can be confusing to children when their friends do things differently. They can easily assume that one of the families must be acting contrary to halacha because how can they both be correct?
How does this affect parenting? We are not immune to the society around us, and this is the external atmosphere we are raising our children in. We can’t deny it because if it exists, then our precious neshamos are being exposed to it. Think of it like air pollution; you can’t avoid breathing it because it’s all around you, even if you weren’t the one who caused the fumes.
Live and Let Live
This is a Jewish family magazine, and as yarei Shamayim we can’t say everything is OK to do and that there is no real truth. There is a real truth, and I won’t deny this important fact. As you read this article, please bear in mind that I am in no way advocating mattiring that which is assur. Whenever I refer to different standards or opinions, I am not including an option that is contrary to the Torah, chas v’shalom. In this article, I am referring exclusively to when there is a difference of minhagim, accepted communal standards or any similar issue; I am not including that which is forbidden. As you read, please keep in mind that I’m not encouraging the attitude of “live and let live” when it’s contrary to the Torah. My ten-foot pole isn’t long enough to tackle that one.
It is an important discussion of how to appropriately address when your children see someone not following halacha. Many of us have relatives who are not shomer Shabbos. Often, we find ourselves conversing with someone who isn’t Jewish or frum. How to explain to your child that their beloved relative drives on Shabbos is an issue that many of us have had to deal with. This is a topic all its own but isn’t the purpose of this article. Jewish lifestyle. There were 12 Shevatim, each their own path. We are known as a nation with many traditions, many of which are dependent on where our family originated or current community’s expectations. These differences are beautiful and make us unique, all while sharing the same mesorah. I will include just a few examples of where we may see this locally.
Pesach is a perfect example because it’s the one time of year when chumros and distinct minhagim are the standard. Some families don’t eat out or purchase processed foods. Some families don’t eat gebrokts, while others, like ours, make matzah meal pancakes and matzah brei mandatory. Some families peel their vegetables, while others limit their variety of produce. It’s fascinating how much has developed over the generations.
While many halachic standards are long held minhagim, many families have chosen to take upon themselves to be more strict than they were raised. My father was very close with Rabbi Eliezer Silver, zt”l, and his family lived in the Rav’s home for many years. My father remembers accompanying the Rav to a farm in Indiana to personally supervise his cholov Yisroel milk. Baruch Hashem, times have gotten easier since then and even more families take advantage of the ease of getting cholov Yisroel, pas yisroel and even yoshon and made that their new baseline. Yet other families will rely on the established heterim that exist and are accepted by many of our local rabbonim.
With the ease of access to the internet and the furthered decline of morality, many families have created extra fences to protect their families. Whether it’s limiting the type of music they allow in the house, the types of programs their child may watch, or their freedom to roam the internet, most parents will have made a conscious decision of what is and isn’t allowed for their family.
Explain the Issue
Kids are black and white thinkers and have trouble understanding that there can be more than one right away. While we know there are shivim panim to the Torah, kids often can’t see more than one. It’s so hard to explain that there can be many minhagim, all of which are legitimate. Rashi, Rambam and Ramban may all disagree with each other yet are all correct. Understanding this reality is complicated enough for adults but it’s near impossible for the concrete-thinking child.
You’re bound to have times that your child is exposed to someone with a different standard than yours. Taking the time to respectfully explain both sides can go a long way in helping children assimilate the information. Often, there is no right and wrong. It’s best to use uncomplicated language that your child will understand. The neighbor that eats gebrokts on Pesach isn’t wrong, and the family that abstains from gebrokts isn’t crazy; each is following their own minhag. The family that doesn’t eat gebrokts on Purim prob-
ably has dietary restrictions.
As an example, we had a difficult time explaining to our children that we keep cholov Yisroel, but our neighbor doesn’t. We first had to explain that the neighbor isn’t eating treif (ignoring the actual definition of “treifus”). After they got used to the idea of our neighbors again being kosher Jews, we had to then explain to our kids why they can’t have the chocolate bar if it’s kosher enough for the other family. It took a number of conversations to appropriately explain things, but they now understand it pretty clearly. Recently, when someone accidentally sent us something that was cholov stam, our kids immediately asked if they could give it to the neighbors.
A different neighbor doesn’t “mish” on Pesach. When I asked if their son could have a snack at our house, I was told their family’s policy but that he could come home and grab his own snack to enjoy in our house. Again, we had to explain to our children that the little boy wasn’t doubting our Pesach kitchen but was simply following a deeply felt family minhag and that we would accommodate him rather than be offended or not include him.
Ask First
Each family has their own stanstandards rather than making assumptions about their child. Alternatively, it can be very distressful, or even offensive, to another family to find out their standards were compromised.
I know it’s annoying but it’s important to verify kashrus and allergy status prior to offering any food. It
We should try to avoid taking it personally when another family has different standards than ours. It’s not a judgement on us or our family and shouldn’t be taken that way. Whether they are more lenient or more strict, they are who they are and it isn’t intended to reflect negatively on anyone else.
It’s a challenge to teach respect for others at any time but even more so as we find society becoming less and less tolerant. By taking the steps to show respect for others, and their differences, within our beautiful community, we can make the effort to ensure our children will grow up with love and dignity for others and for themselves.
dards regarding different issues. Whether it’s kashrus-related such as cholov Yisroel or limitations on media exposure, each family has their own place. It’s a form of respect to first inquire about another family’s prevents uncomfortable situations if we first inquire if a family permits a certain song, show, or website. What might seem innocent or even educational to one family can be unacceptable to another.
Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.
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