How Can I Feel Compassion When I Am Soooo Angry? by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

How Can I Feel Compassion When I Am Soooo Angry?

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

And – why should I anyway?

Did that awful human being who has been mean to me ever show me compassion?

Certainly not when he called me names, told me I’m ugly, left the house without so much as a word.

Well, last week’s article answered that question. Basically, it goes like this: You might not opt for divorce because you don’t want to break up your family or because you believe in marriage and want to keep your commitment. Or maybe because deep down inside, you sort of think this mean person you’re married to has a good heart. Underneath it all.

So then, if you want to keep the marriage, you surely want peace. Fun would be nice, too, and so would kindness, courtesy, calmness, and yes, compassion. From the other guy, the one who starts trouble.

Now you may think that all that is impossible. But then you are in for more and more misery. So why not shoot for all of the above if it is possible? To do that, you need compassion for the person who has not had a drop of compassion for you. Because over time, that actually might work to make them feel safe. And then they might actually be more committed to working on the marriage.

That was last week’s article, in a nutshell.

So let’s say you opt for the try-tomake-the-marriage-work option, except your spouse is not on board. Or maybe they are on board but you do not believe it will last because it never has.

So there is surely a part of you that has to keep your guard up and your hopes down.

That makes sense. But then, how in the world can you make this work? To be compassionate, you need to feel it. And if you don’t feel it, pretending is out of the question.

But there is a way, and it’s kind of a funny thing, this way. It has to start with you, with your compassion for yourself.

Now, you might have thought that you do have compassion for yourself, and I believe it. Often, people feel like comforting themselves with going over how badly they were treated. After all, this method gives oneself self-validation for suffering.

But this backfires. Instead of being a balm for the soul, it feels like we are constantly re-victimizing ourselves by going over and over in our minds how badly we were treated.

I wouldn’t call that self-compassion.

It kind of does bear a resemblance to self-compassion when you’re commiserating with yourself over the injustices you’ve experienced. I get that. Heck, if no one is going to validate your pain, at least you can count on yourself to do it.

That does make a lot of sense on an emotional level.

Except for one thing: It doesn’t work.

In the long term, it does not make you feel better. It actually makes you feel worse by reviewing and reviewing the pain you’ve experienced.

And yet, there’s a part of you that needs to hold onto that pain. Not just because going over it feels like self-validation, but also so that you don’t let your guard down. Because if for one instant you drop your guard and feel warmly and kindly toward the person who hurt you, you open yourself up to being hurt again. No one should be vulnerable like that.

However, the problem here is that you remain hurting even if you keep your guard up.

So what’s the gain?

It seems like an impossible situation, doesn’t it? You can’t drop your guard and be vulnerable and you can’t feel compassion (so as to make your partner feel safe and ready to do their share of the work) when you’re so angry and hurt.

Here’s the way out of the impossible box: Start with compassion, real compassion for you.

What Does Self-Compassion Look Like?

Real compassion for yourself is true kindliness. So when you wake up in the morning and you say Modeh Ani, you’re recognizing that G-d has faith in you to live a good life today. Well, if He does, then surely you must,

too. That’s the beginning.

So now you have choices to make all day long. So the question is: Do you make them based on how much you want to send a message to your spouse about how hurt and angry you are? Maybe to punish them? Or show them how much you don’t care?

Or do you make those choices based on how kindly you want to be to yourself?

Notice in the first way, the “message” way, it’s all about them, not you.

Generally, people feel a more enduring sense of inner calm and even pleasure when they act in a way that is aligned with their own values. So if, say, you value generosity, and being cold, distant, and a bit nasty to someone you’re mad at is not aligned with your values, then you will really not be so happy with yourself.

Or perhaps you will be.

Maybe giving it back does feel good. I get that. It’s a human thing.

But how long does the pleasure of that last before the disconnect to your values sets in and you feel crummy?

Not only that, here’s the other really wild result of all that nekama stuff: To be truly compassionate to yourself, you can’t allow yourself to be dominated by this other person who has been so mean. It is up to you to not allow them to control you.

Now, this is the wild part: When you make choices based on how you will pay them back, nekama, you’re actually allowing them to control you! That’s because your choice was not independent; it was not based on your values. Instead, it was based on their behavior.

See, fighting connects. Payback connects. Calculating your behavior to teach a lesson connects.

And none of that is compassionate towards yourself. Compassion would give you some space, some separation from the ongoing war, some relief.

In fact, the Easterners who meditate are looking for that very space in their meditative practice just so that they can stay calm, centered, and clearheaded. That’s why meditation releases thoughts, worries, and whathave-you. You present with an empty head in the practice in order to give yourself that very break from your anguish.

Now, when you do that, two things happen: First, you are finally, finally free. You’re still married, but you are not making choices based on the other person. You are giving yourself that respect and care that you need by making choices that are aligned with your deepest values. And that feels good.

Second, your spouse takes notice of all this. Yes, there is a loss of the connection that they had by this fighting game, but losing it is also freeing for them. They no longer need to act in whatever way to provoke you. They actually may try to provoke you more, at first, so as to regain the connection. For some people, they do not know how to connect over love, only pain.

But over time, they are freed from the ugliness, too. And they come to see you acting independently of them. This does make them safer because they are not in the middle of an ugly war, but it also may make them uneasy because they have not learned to be compassionate to themselves (yet). They do not know how to connect in healthy ways (yet).

But you have prepared them to start the self-work they need and do it with more sincerity. Maybe for the first time.

And you? Why, you are freer. Even under one roof. Self-compassion is big stuff.

Oh, yes, in answer to the original question, you end up brimming over with compassion when you’ve cultivated plenty for yourself. I know that sounds like a distant dream, but I’ve seen it work again and again.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.