114 52
NOVEMBER 25, 2021 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Dr. Deb
How Can I Feel Compassion When I Am Soooo Angry? By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
A
nd – why should I anyway? Did that awful human being who has been mean to me ever show me compassion? Certainly not when he called me names, told me I’m ugly, left the house without so much as a word. Well, last week’s article answered that question. Basically, it goes like this: You might not opt for divorce because you don’t want to break up your family or because you believe in marriage and want to keep your commitment. Or maybe because deep down inside, you sort of think this mean person you’re married to has a good heart. Underneath it all. So then, if you want to keep the marriage, you surely want peace. Fun would be nice, too, and so would kindness, courtesy, calmness, and yes, compassion. From the other guy, the one who starts trouble. Now you may think that all that is impossible. But then you are in for more and more misery. So why not shoot for all of the above if it is possible? To do that, you need compassion for the person who has not had a drop
of compassion for you. Because over time, that actually might work to make them feel safe. And then they might actually be more committed to working on the marriage. That was last week’s article, in a nutshell. So let’s say you opt for the try-tomake-the-marriage-work option, except your spouse is not on board. Or maybe they are on board but you do not believe it will last because it never has. So there is surely a part of you that has to keep your guard up and your hopes down. That makes sense. But then, how in the world can you make this work? To be compassionate, you need to feel it. And if you don’t feel it, pretending is out of the question. But there is a way, and it’s kind of a funny thing, this way. It has to start with you, with your compassion for yourself. Now, you might have thought that you do have compassion for yourself, and I believe it. Often, people feel like comforting themselves with going
over how badly they were treated. After all, this method gives oneself self-validation for suffering. But this backfires. Instead of being a balm for the soul, it feels like we are constantly re-victimizing ourselves by going over and over in our minds how badly we were treated. I wouldn’t call that self-compassion. It kind of does bear a resemblance to self-compassion when you’re commiserating with yourself over the injustices you’ve experienced. I get that. Heck, if no one is going to validate your pain, at least you can count on yourself to do it. That does make a lot of sense on an emotional level. Except for one thing: It doesn’t work. In the long term, it does not make you feel better. It actually makes you feel worse by reviewing and reviewing the pain you’ve experienced. And yet, there’s a part of you that needs to hold onto that pain. Not just because going over it feels like self-validation, but also so that you don’t let
your guard down. Because if for one instant you drop your guard and feel warmly and kindly toward the person who hurt you, you open yourself up to being hurt again. No one should be vulnerable like that. However, the problem here is that you remain hurting even if you keep your guard up. So what’s the gain? It seems like an impossible situation, doesn’t it? You can’t drop your guard and be vulnerable and you can’t feel compassion (so as to make your partner feel safe and ready to do their share of the work) when you’re so angry and hurt. Here’s the way out of the impossible box: Start with compassion, real compassion for you.
What Does Self-Compassion Look Like? Real compassion for yourself is true kindliness. So when you wake up in the morning and you say Modeh Ani, you’re recognizing that G-d has faith in you to live a good life today. Well, if He does, then surely you must,
