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SEPTEMBER 10, 2021 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
jewish women of wisdom
Hobbying Along By Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz
T
he dining room table was covered with punches, stamps, and embellishments when the young woman walked in for her appointment. Esther was a kallah who had come to discuss things with a rebbetzin in the community and was surprised to find an array of scrapbooking materials in use for a work in progress. Scrapbooking, she learned, was a relaxing enjoyable past time for this seminary teacher. Beyond a creative outlet, it yielded the additional bonus of creating memories of their lives for her adult children. They would often ask her what she was making for them and which event she was commemorating with decorative papers, stickers, and borders. Middle age seems to be a time for new hobbies. There is excitement in the experience of indulging in a first time hobby or hobbies that are new for us. Many of us had neither the time nor the resources to explore our interests, latent or obvious talents in a sustained manner. Yes, we were interested and spent a little effort but with kids, careers, and navigating family life, our own wants were always subsumed under everyone else’s needs. Now with some leisure and some choices about time management, many of us can finally follow our inclinations. We weren’t brought up on the mantra that we need time and space for ourselves. How many of us carved out desks and space for ourselves before we finally redid our kitchens and squeezed in a small dedicated area for correspondence and papers? How many of us gave ourselves private time? Did we know the term self-care? We mistook time for ourselves as an indulgence instead of a need. We didn’t know from girls’ night out or going for a manicure because it makes us feel pampered. We felt guilty about taking time and money
away from everyone else who was high up on the priority list – husband and kids. After all, that was our tafkid and no one said anything about nurturing ourselves during our seminary years. It was all about nurturing other people, future doros and being an eizer kenegdo. Now it’s years and another generation later. We’ve learned some psychology. We know that we have to care for the caregiver (that’s us, girls!), and we’re more mindful of ourselves and our needs. The mantra of our children and the literature seems to be: you’ll be a better mother if you take care of yourself. You’ll be a better spouse if you air out. You’ll be a more balanced person if you enjoy without guilt. Guilt has become the enemy of modern maturity. Got to do everything and not feel guilty. So it’s time to bring on hobbies and new interests. Jung, the psychoanalyst who was a student of Freud, makes the point that during the second half of life people tend to develop their latent skills. During the first half of life, the dominant skills, the obvious talents, are the ones we choose to develop. Espe-
cially in our careers and life choices, early on we go for what comes naturally and easily to us. However, with the confidence and past experience of developing our obvious gi�s, we are ready to venture into uncharted waters and try out those things that didn’t come so easily to us. The risk of not succeeding is less frightening at this point, and we’re eager to take on a challenge that we choose. So we may want to try something new, break out of our old job titles, styles, and way of spending our free time. There is nothing as empowering as working at something new and making it our own. By investing real effort into something novel, we exercise our brains and prove to ourselves that they still work. Mastery gives us ownership, and at this stage of our lives, owning ability, having an accomplishment, is better therapy for our emotional ills than shopping or chocolate. We want to move ahead, do something atypical, break out in new areas and find new aspects to ourselves and our personalities. Besides new technical skills and aptitudes, we find new personal skills, too. We may become more social, more open, and more collabo-
rative during the process of moving forward in a new stage of life. Sometimes, the hobby is clearly connected with obvious manifestations such as drawing, sports, decorating, gardening, and music. For others, it’s an interest in something less tangible and without a product to show our husbands, kids, and friends. It may be a spiritual need and wanting to develop a stronger relationship to Hashem. Some people want time to deepen their knowledge in Torah and not just go to shiurim and be passive but to develop textual skills that they may never have acquired earlier. Others may want to take an ulpan or express themselves through writing and creating a family history. Drying and arranging flowers was fun for me a few years ago. It gave untalented me the opportunity to create beauty without having artistic talent. I used silica to preserve flowers, with and without my microwave. Attractive vases and containers to hold the arrangements were fun to collect. This hobby ultimately proved very consuming of time and space and was mess-producing. My artistic assistant got married and moved out. Finally, it just didn’t do it for me anymore. I didn’t get enough pleasure or therapy out of it. A while later, I wanted to see if I could write creatively. Forming a writing group was a way to make sure I would actually write. I guessed that the constructive input of fellow writers and the momentum of a regular group would motivate me to keep at the effort. It worked. I worked hard, and I started getting published. This avocation is yielding several rewards including the joy of success, self-expression, and a greater range of style. However, it is no longer hard and it’s not novel. The challenge is there but it’s not very intense. Writing is now another thing I do.
