Parenting Pearls

Making Yom Kippur Meaningful

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

My husband, dressed in his kittel, machzor in hand, walks off to shul. He will have the momentum of the kehilla and the traditional, soulful tunes to guide him through the full-day tefillos on Yom Kippur.

All things going well, many of us will spend the day taking care of little ones at home or at the park while trying to get a tiny portion of the davening said in-between kids crying, needing our attention or otherwise keeping us busy. We should take a few moments to thank Hashem for the little ones taking our time away from davening, but we also may feel challenged trying to feel the seriousness of the day while balancing our children’s needs.

Beat the Yom Kippur Rush

One of my favorite Elul ideas is “do teshuva now and beat the Yom Kippur rush.” It’s excellent advice. You are unlikely to get the opportunity to focus on teshuva the way you’d like to if you have kids running around your legs and jumping on your back. Try to take a few minutes for quiet introspection beforehand and don’t wait until Yom Kippur is here and you’re distracted. There is no downside to this method that I can think of. Worse case scenario, if you do find some quiet time on Yom Kippur, you can still do a little more teshuva or introspection; you’re unlikely to exceed a maximum quota.

There are excellent pamphlets on Viduy that many will find helpful to review before Yom Kippur and help them get focused appropriately. They’re also wonderful to use on the day itself to make whatever time you get to daven that much more meaningful.

Fast First

I’ve always been taught that fasting is more important than davening. Be honest with yourself about what you can do and what your limits are that won’t risk your fast. Conserve your energy throughout the day by making everything as easy as possible. Rest whenever you can even if it just means feet up on the couch while the kids play next to you.

It goes without saying that pregnant and nursing mothers should speak to their doctor and rav well in advance of the fast if they have any questions about their ability to fast safely. This actually applies to anyone with any type of medical concerns. You are not being smart if you risk your safety, and getting information early gives you the opportunity to make any necessary arrangements.

Also, begin drinking extra water starting days before the fast. Many people wait until Erev Yom Kippur to begin upping their hydration and that’s often too late. Certain fruits and other foods are good for fasting. I’ve heard rumors about grapes and watermelon being good for before a fast but that’s hearsay; ask a professional what you can do to prepare your body prior to the big day. I personally feel that certain foods were better for me before a fast but I’m neither a doctor nor a nutritionist and this is beyond my official expertise.

Prepare Early

You want to make things as easy as possible for yourself while you’re fasting. Try to plan what you can do before to make things easier on the day itself. Clothes can be set out ahead of the fast. Don’t forget underwear, tzitzis and yarmulkes (for boys), socks and shoes. For some reason, those items in particular are never around when you need them. Machzorim, adult and children’s books about Yom Kippur and any similar items can be found and set aside in advance, as well. As a side point, I have often set out on the table, on the night before, books appropriate for the day. This allows the children to come down first thing in the morning, begin to read and get tuned into the holiness of the day.

Many people, like myself, will find that there are relevant books on the meaning or themes of the day that help them get into “Yom Kippur mode.” Find them in your house, purchase or borrow from a friend whatever items you feel will give you a way to tune yourself into the holiness of the day despite whatever insanity surrounds you. Know where they are because you are unlikely to have the time and peace of mind to search for them while you’re fasting.

Prepare what you can for the kids beforehand. Sandwiches can be premade, and snacks can often be prepacked. There’s no reason for you to exert yourself extra on Yom Kippur itself when you can have it done prior. You can even have everything labeled, which will allow kids to serve themselves so you can take a few extra minutes to rest or just conserve your energy. I’ve often found that having easy, self-service meals and

plenty of accessible snacks helps. You may want to avoid messy items like popcorn if you will feel compelled to clean up on Yom Kippur itself. Don’t clean anything major on Yom Kippur that can wait until afterwards.

Find out which tefillos are most important to say and mark them in your machzor. As soon as you have a few moments (somewhat) to yourself, you’ll be able to get right to the page you’re looking for. This, too, will help you maximize whatever time you have.

Shul

I’ve found it’s really a personal decision whether or not those with little ones attend shul. I’ve heard of various arrangements being made, and I will just mention a few of them here. I am merely giving over various ways parents have dealt with the issue of shul davening on Yom Kippur. I am not giving my personal haskama on any particular arrangement, simply acknowledging some of the options.

Many, like myself, don’t attend shul and either stay home or visit a friend with similarly-aged children. Others will get a babysitter to watch their little ones while they attend shul. Many congregations have groups for young children that parents can avail themselves of. I’ve even heard of some creative women who will share the cost of a seat and take turns watching each other’s children while the other attends shul. This way, each mother has the opportunity to make an appearance during the portion of davening most meaningful to her.

Now here is where I will give my personal thoughts on the issue of Yom Kippur shul davening. It is not my intention to ruffle any feathers, or kittels, before such a holy day (or ever) but I will share my humble thoughts on children attending shul.

Having children in shul is a major source of pride. It almost feels like you are passing on the mesora when you have your children sitting next to you during tefillos, particularly the exceptionally holy ones of Yom Kippur. That being acknowledged, if your child isn’t capable of sitting in shul quietly, it can be disturbing to the other mispallelim. It’s unfair to others if your child is loud, walking around, or in any other way distracting the congregation. Yom Kippur is a serious and emotional time for many, and it can be painful to be disturbed during the prayers. Imagine how it feels for someone to be davening for a much-awaited pregnancy personality dependent, too. Pay attention to their cues and remove them when they’re no longer able to be there. It’s not only unfair to others but it’s unfair to your child, too.

I prefer to think of it as a privilege for a child to be in shul and not some-

Decide in advance how much time you feel each child can sit in shul and still act appropriately.

hoped to encourage them to have a feeling of respect for their tefillos.

This is a special time, and every member of the family should have the opportunity to feel it, each in their own way. With a little foresight, Yom Kippur can be a day we gain meaning from every day of the year. May all of our tefillos be answered for the good, for all of us and all of klal Yisroel.

On a personal note, if I have hurt anyone’s feelings with any of my articles then it was unintentional and I am truly sorry. Please feel free to email me if there is anything you want me to address. I try to be careful but anything written or said publicly to a wide audience comes with risks.

or for healing for a sick child and to then be disrupted during their tefillos by a rambunctious little one. As cute as young children can be, they don’t always belong everywhere. The same goes for babies; they cry and are adorable but they can distract during davening.

Conversely, it’s unfair and unreasonable to a child to expect them to sit still for an extended period of time if they’re not emotionally or developmentally ready for it. Children are meant to be active and moving around; it’s normal and healthy. Many teachers incorporate movement into their classroom time for this very reason. You don’t want to put your child in the position that you’re forcing them to do what’s impossible for them. Certainly, you don’t want to turn the davening into a negative experience.

It can be beautiful to bring your children to shul, and it can be a powerful educational moment for them, as well. Seeing the tears and emotions of the heartfelt prayers can have a lifelong, lasting impact on their innocent, impressionable souls. With that in mind, decide in advance how much time you feel each child can sit in shul and still act appropriately. You may choose to only bring them in for a limited amount of time.

It’s a long day of davening, and there is plenty of time to give them shorter “bursts” of time in shul rather than one long session, should that be what best suits their needs. While older children can often sit longer than younger children, a lot of it is thing they need to be forced into at a young age. Gauge your child’s abilities and use that as your guide. As a related side point, we’ve gifted each child a set of machzorim with their name on them as a gift for their first yomim noraim after, or just before, their bar/ bas mitzvah. In this small way, we

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.