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The Jewish Home | MAY 12, 2022
Dr. Deb
I Can’t Change by Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
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OctOber 29, 2015 | the Jewish Home
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xcuse me? What did you say? “I said, ‘I can’t change?’” Are you quite sure of that? “Yes, I’m sure. You’re annoying me, Dr. Deb!” But I’m looking at you; you have changed. I remember you when you first came to see me, and you were so angry you couldn’t let Helene get a word out. Do you remember that? “Yes, that’s true.” And, Helene, let’s not even talk about that. Her resentment was through the roof. She was so mad. And I can’t blame her. Not that I do blame anyone, anyway. But I think it’s normal to be resentful when you haven’t been heard for years and years. When you’ve been feeling so alone. When you reach out over and over and met with a stone wall. “But she’s not acting resentful anymore.” Why do you suppose that is? Did she actually change? “When you ask if she changed, well, in some ways her behavior changed, but she’s the same person I fell in love with a long time ago.” Well, besides behavior. How about attitudes? “I guess her attitude did change. She’s not angry and resentful of me anymore. Or at least I don’t see it.” Well, again, how did that happen? “Because I finally got it through my block of a head that she has feelings. That I have feelings. And we do have to listen to them and understand them.” Wait a minute! No name calling allowed. Not with me, not in the privacy of your own home. Never. “OK, sorry. My head is not a block.” Well, what is your head, then? “I didn’t understand. I didn’t realize about feelings. I had shoved them down for so long, that I didn’t even know what they were.” OK, that sounds better. So what is it you understand now?
“That I have feelings. Feelings I didn’t want to have because it was easier to not pay attention to them. But I realize that when you do pay attention to them, your life is somehow… …richer. Yes, richer. That’s the word. You suddenly can tune into yourself. And
and if he hadn’t figured it out himself, then it couldn’t possibly be true. So that meant I couldn’t explain ME. I couldn’t actually share my own feelings, my own thoughts. But now, he’s realizing that maybe he can’t know another person just because he’s so smart. Maybe he does
I wonder why the idea of changing is so frightening. people. Yes, you can read them, somehow. You get where they’re coming from.” So, isn’t that a change? Didn’t you change? “No, I did not change. I’m the same me. I have the same values, the same personality.” Would Helene agree? Helene, what do you think? “I think Mark has changed. He’s more sensitive. More aware. More… …open. Open to things that he wouldn’t have thought of himself. Y’know? He used to figure out everything,
have to just wait and be open for what he hears.” I wonder why the idea of changing is so frightening. When we learn any skill – whatever it is, from art to cooking to sports to a new language to anything – really, doesn’t that change us? When we have a new experience whether its traveling or meeting a new person or hearing a new shiur that gives a different insight, we are changing. In fact, according to the research on memory reconsolidation, our brain synapses, the connections between neurons,
can change and that can remove the pain of old memories. Permanently. To no longer be tortured by the past is a tremendous thing. And Hashem gave that to us through this memory reconsolidation process. Memory reconsolidation happens whether we try to make it happen or not. Of course, if we set up the conditions to do it, it has a good probability of happening. (We may not know all the variables in a given emotional experience to be certain that it will happen, but with enough digging into what they are, the probability grows.) So that’s an example of permanent brain changes along with the changes that come from new skill learning and new experiences. Why then are so many of us so afraid of the idea of change? Why do so many people start the conversation right away with “I can’t change. That’s who I am”? Here’s a list of things people might be afraid of: Having to take responsibility for behavior that went under the radar previously and feeling guilt or shame for that. Not being able to live up to the new learning that they acquire. Requiring to exert themselves in ways that are difficult because they’re not used to them. Feeling odd because your feelings are opened up and you’re not used to that. Just the unknown. Hurting someone now that you feel different and know different because it changes your decisions. These are some of the guesses I have about change. What are your thoughts?
Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb.com/myw-masterclass.
