Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls Keeping the Count Meaningful

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

We’ve recently begun the unique time period of sefiras haomer. It’s quite a combination of events. We have the excitement of counting up to receiving the Torah while simultaneously mourning the loss of Rabbi Akiva’s students. To add to the intrigue, there are multiple customs for when we observe this mourning period. It’s actually rather confusing for kids to hear that we don’t have weddings during this period but that their parent is attending a wedding that evening.

The Count

Children can often understand the idea of being excited for something and counting up to a big event. Take advantage of that natural tendency and use it to help them to understand that we are excited about receiving the Torah again.

While those who attend shul have automatic reminders after Maariv, those who don’t attend Maariv in shul can easily forget to count. Giving children the job of reminding or counting with a parent each evening is a great way to involve them in a meaningful way. Counting is normally done when kids aren’t in school anyway.

I don’t know where I originally heard about the idea of giving children a prize or special treat if they remind their adult to count each night. This helps the adults to make sure they count each night. Upon completing the counting of sefira, just before Shavuos, the child receives their agreed-upon treat. I’ve successfully used this method, and it’s a great incentive to keep kids motivated and excited throughout those seven weeks. It also helps younger kids gain a greater, practical awareness of this once-a-year mitzvah.

Pirkei Avos

During this time period, we have a greater focus on improving various parts of our behavior. Learning Pirkei Avos is one of the tools we traditionally use.

Pirkei Avos is very unique for many reasons, including that the focus is on practical middos improvement. It’s more universally taught. Even women who shy away from other Talmudic learning will routinely study Pirkei Avos. Another unique characteristic to Pirkei Avos is that even young children can readily understand some of the lessons.

There are various child-friendly editions of Pirkei Avos that include easy-to-understand translations and wonderful pictures. Whether you read with a child from the beginning or pick out a Mishna of interest, Pirkei Avos is a wonderful way to introduce even the youngest of budding scholars to some of our Sages’ teachings. There are so many practical lessons that children can understand and learn straight from the text. The basic text can easily become a springboard for more in-depth lessons. Teens, as well, will enjoy the many discussions and lessons in human nature that come straight from our Sages.

For example, even young children can benefit from hearing that they should think positively of themselves and not judge themselves negatively (Avos 2:18), the importance of good friends (Avos 1:6), and of avoiding bad influences (Avos 1:7). Many parts of Avos are easily relevant to each of our lives.

Middos by Example

During this time perio,d we often focus on improving our middos and interactions with others. This section is something we all know but can, at times, benefit from a reminder. Kids learn from what we do more than what we say. If we want our children to have good middos, then we need to display good middos. It’s rather frightening to sometimes see what kids pick up from the adults around them.

It’s easy to lecture kids and tell them how to behave. It’s a lot harder, but far more effective, to demonstrate it ourselves. It’s easy for a parent to tell a child to not talk during davening but a lot harder to keep oneself quiet for the entire duration. It’s easy to say, “No speaking lashon hara, kids” but a lot harder to remember to watch our speech on the phone.

We can lecture day and night about honoring a parent but we will give the lesson over that much more profoundly by honoring our own parents, in-laws, or grandparents in our child’s presence. Getting a Shabbos afternoon drink for a parent while briefly saying that you’re fulfilling the mitzva of kibbud av v’eim is more to the point than a lecture your child is going to ignore anyway. When you say “thank you” to your child, spouse, or the cashier you are, through personal example, teaching your child gratitude. Your interactions with your children, relatives, and the other adults in your life are a natural lesson for your child in the behaviors you want them to learn.

Think of what you’d like your child to improve on and see how you can show them the lessons in real life. It’s

OK if you’re struggling; I personally see nothing wrong with kids learning that change is hard and that parents work on themselves, too. Often, just reading a book geared towards improving oneself in a certain area will yield benefit. It’s naturally harder to speak lashon hara if you’re reading a daily lesson on it. Let your child see that you care and are working on yourself – it’s an excellent lesson for them.

Middos by Connection

This is my personal thoughts on children following in the ways of their parents, rebbeim, or mentors. Naturally, children are affected by those around them, hopefully for the good. It is my personal and humble opinion that children will be more ready to learn from adults that they feel connected to. With this in mind, if you want a child to follow your example, then you have to be someone they want to follow. The more your child loves you and feels close to you, the greater the impact your actions will have on them.

When a child sees their parents value davening and don’t speak in shul, it makes an impact on them, far more than yelling “shush” at them

during the tefillos. If they feel a strong level of respect for that parent and want to emulate them, then you have a child that will hopefully become motivated to daven seriously as they get older.

A child who sees that their parent doesn’t curse will learn that such speech isn’t appropriate in their home. A child who wants to be close to that parent will quickly recognize that such speech is hurtful and unacceptable and will hopefully not use it even

when their adult isn’t present. Sadly, a child who wants to spite their parent may use that same knowledge as a weapon and intentionally use inappropriate language to hurt them.

Our connection to our children and the bond we have with them is far more important than we realize in our daily interactions. It may take time to see the effect of our positive example on our children, but mature behavior can only be expected from more mature children. Be patient with them. Recognize that we are far older than they are, and we are not perfect ourselves. It helps to remember that we’re not expected to complete the job, even for ourselves, but we can’t give up and must continue to try to make meaningful changes (Avos 3:21).

Enjoy this time period as we go from the lowest depths of slavery to the ultimate freedom of receiving the Torah. May we use this time appropriately and prepare ourselves, along with our children, for the ultimate gift of Matan Torah.

Your interactions with your children, relatives, and the other adults in your life are a natural lesson for your child in the behaviors you want them to learn.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.