Care and Concern by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

Care and Concern

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

Here’s a question: How do you know if someone cares? How do you know if they’re con cerned?

Many, many sentences in homes all over start with “If you loved me, you’d—”

But let me ask: is that true? Can we tell?

Well, are you sure?

And don’t tell me, “Well, I would do it if the tables were turned.”

That is sooo easy. Of course, you’d do it. That’s why you think that they ought to do it as well. But they aren’t you, and there are many reasons why they might not do it that have nothing to do with not loving or caring about you.

The best of the reasons is that they simply don’t have the skill.

“Oh,” you’re going to come back at me with, “they don’t have the skill to put their laundry in the hamper?”

Right. They might not.

Because if they have ten things on their mind from work, the kids, the house, and other troublesome, weighty items, then it takes a certain skill to switch their focus over from the important to the trivial.

Yes, I know exactly what you’re going to say next, “Am I not in the ‘important’ category?”

You are. Which is why work is important, because it pays the bills, which matters to you, too. And of course, the kids’ welfare is important to you as well. See? And when you put “laundry” up there, the other gender cannot comprehend why that

would matter so much. So, although they do do what is important, they might not have the skill to include in their thinking something that is, to them, not important.

That’s another thing. Most people can’t see the world through someone else’s eyes. So if Sam can’t see how in the world laundry could be important to Sylvia – or anyone – then wouldn’t it be Silvia’s responsibility to clarify why laundry is so important to her?

Why would laundry be important to anyone, anyway? This is not obvious.

Because I live alone and the only person to make disorder – or create order – is me, I came to understand that a neat home gives me a feeling of peacefulness inside. By the same token, a messy home creates a stressful feeling inside. I also notice that when it’s neat, my head thinks more clearly. It’s as if things that don’t have to be in my head, aren’t, so I’m free to think. But that’s a discovery I only made after I was alone. I didn’t realize it all the years that my late husband would say that having things in disorder makes him happier because organizing is stressful!

Which brings me to the second reason why Sam might not understand how important it really is to Sylvia even though she says it is:

Her request may be in direct opposition to his needs.

Now, there’s a problem. If picking up the laundry has some positive effect on Sylvia, what if it has a negative effect on Sam? I once knew a couple that got divorced over this, believe it or not. She couldn’t stand messes, and he couldn’t stand having to be a slave to cleaning up. She couldn’t understand this but he couldn’t understand her either.

The first couple of weeks after their separation, he giggled as he told me that he drops food wrappers in his car and won’t pick them up – just for the sheer pleasure of not having to. It was the “having to” that drove him away.

So I ask you, should a person be more caring, more concerned about their spouse or themselves? And mind you, this is not just one thing. The list of things that one person wants from the other can be quite long. Is it quite right to unbalance it always in favor of the other person, the person we love? And if you are willing to say, yes! It’s fair! Then why isn’t the other person doing the same thing? If Sam wants to please Sylvia by always picking up and doing the other 20 things she wants, is it fair of Sylvia to always have it her way? Just saying.

But there are also lines to be drawn.

There is a point where one person does have the absolute right to expect more from a spouse, even if they have trouble comprehending why the spouse wanted it.

Where is that line, though?

Should a doctor call back within four hours if you call the emergency line?

Should the bus driver (when school finally does get normal) see that the child he leaves off is met by a parent?

Should a teacher (speaking of school) find something good to say about a misbehaving child?

Is it ever okay if a spouse misses an anniversary?

How much money can a spouse spend without discussing it with a partner?

Do spouses need to confer with each other on rewards and punishments for the kids?

This could be a very long list. And of interest is that the answer will be completely different based on the couple – when it comes to marriages. Perhaps also based on the doctor when it comes to call-backs. And the patient.

So let’s get back to Sylvia’s thought that Sam must not love her because, in 24 years, he hasn’t picked up his laundry.

The rule is: don’t assume!

I interviewed Sam (who is imaginary) in some depth. He told me that at age 10 his mother died. It was shocking and distressing. He never got over that loss. But within the year, his father remarried, and the new wife was a bit rule-bound. She also never heard of the rule, herself, that you don’t discipline the stepkids, you let the biological parent do that. So she wanted laundry picked up.

Now, as it happens, Sam was a good kid. But, frankly, he was depressed. And he didn’t care a fig about the laundry. He just didn’t care about much.

So when he would hear, in a tone that was just a wee bit sharp, “Sam!

Should a person be more caring, more concerned about their spouse or themselves?

Please pick this laundry up” it represented to him a cold place and cold time in his life. He didn’t know it. He couldn’t articulate it. This is the sort of thing that comes out in a conver

sation when the right questions get asked in a tone of – yes – care and concern.

Unlike my husband who couldn’t keep his papers organized, Sam had better reasons to be allergic to laundry gathering. He’d never explained this to Sylvia, of course.

There are so many mysteries inside of us! And inside of our spouses!

Of course, discovering these, little by little is fun and exciting – when we know how to open each other up.

But when it comes to love, it’s best to assume the best.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.