11 minute read
Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear Navidaters,
My roommate is crazy. There, I said it. I recently found out that she has created fake shadchan identities using email accounts etc., got on some shadchan email and WhatsApp groups, and has been redting both me and her to guys in the most bizarre ways. She thinks she is helping me, but it is really the opposite. It all started when I got an email from a random shadchan one day trying to set me up with Yonaton (I changed his name). I tried getting a phone number I could reach this shadchan at and her correspondences were very strange, while she skirted the issue of having a phone call or to share her phone number. I liked the idea she sent so I pursued it, but this shidduch did not get past a first date – not because it was not shayach, but she seemed to drop the ball and give an elusive response such as, “he said it’s too hard to date now during corona.” Long story short, I was on her computer one day and a Gmail account for this “shadchan” popped up when I signed in, with dozens of interactions. It was hard for me to click around, but I did. She had written the same immature-sounding email to dozens of different guys trying to set her and I up. When I confronted her, she surprisingly told me everything. She has been using fake email accounts to take charge of her and her friends’ shidduchim. She told me that she gets profiles from public shidduch email lists with her alias as this “shadchan.” What she doesn’t realize is how off she comes across via her immature-sounding emails and correspondences, and I know that having my information sent out by her aliases is terrible for me.
My question is twofold: 1) Is it even possible to be set up with this guy Yonaton again? I have a feeling that his sudden disinterest was because he was creeped out by the “shadchan’s” interactions. 2) How can I possibly get through to my roommate that what she is doing is wrong?!
Thanks,
Tammy
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
You asked two questions. I don’t think it is worth trying again with Yonatan right now. You don’t know what she told him about anything. He may have been given a very different picture of you than the real you. If, in several months, you are still interested in dating him, try to get to someone else in his circle to see if you can meet in a casual environment. In other words, create some distance and find someone mature and safe to help you after giving him/her the general background of what happened.
In response to your second question about getting through to your roommate about how her creation of fake identities for the purpose of shidduchim is wrong, I say do not even bother to try. She has serious issues of severe dysfunctionality and may have several disorders.
You have probably noticed signs during your time sharing a place but you chose to ignore them. She may have been manipulative, a compulsive liar, controlling or worse. Asking yourself why you were able to function peaceably in the apartment together with someone so disturbed is important. Learn about yourself from this experience and move on. Setting her straight will not happen through your intervention. The kind of intervention she needs is therapy.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
If you are asking how you can convince your friend that what she is doing is wrong, you unfortunately don’t seem to understand the severity of her problem. I always encourage singles to be proactive about their shidduchim, but your roommate’s antics are in the realm of psychotic. Making up fake names and pretending to be someone else, under the guise of taking charge of one’s shidduchim, and dragging her roommates into it can only be orchestrated by a very unhealthy human being. It is likely that anything you tell her, or any way you approach it, will backfire, getting you into deeper trouble.
My advice is to not touch this situation with a ten-foot pole. Find somewhere else to live ASAP and get off her radar. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer is an appropriate adage to live by. This does not mean to keep her close physically or even emotionally. In your case, this means do not lead on that you are upset with he, because you do not want her twisted antics to become malicious against you.
From the way you make it sound, most people who get her emails will just ignore them because they sound immature and she seems to make herself impossible to reach by phone. Leave it at that. Hashem will send you your bashert another way. In terms of Yonatan, I suggest you reach out to a shadchan whom you admire and ask her to check in and see if he would be interested in pursuing the idea now that corona guidelines have somewhat been lifted. If anything, it would be very interesting to discuss with Yonatan the background of your shidduch, and if it works out in the end, you will have one great story to tell your children!
Hatzlacha!
The Single
Rena Friedman
Tammy, I cannot imagine the shock, frustration, and anger you felt when you found out that your roommate sent out your resume without permission and that she dropped the ball on a shidduch she suggested. A crazy roommate is one thing but one who pulls you into her shidduchim shenanigans takes it to a whole new level.
What your roommate did is extremely inappropriate and crossed multiple boundaries. She should not be suggesting shidduchim under a fake name and posing as a shadchan. That is absolutely unacceptable and a great way to ruin her own reputation and the lives of others. What bothers me even more is that once she had the chutzpah to try to take matters into her own hands, she let a shidduch fall through. There is serious danger when we try to take situations into our own hands when we should not.
With that being said, I understand where your roommate is coming from. The feeling of hopelessness envelopes you when you want to be married so badly and feel like your hands are simply tied. The urge to take charge and do something is strong. She needs to find productive ways to channel this energy to make a difference in shidduchim for herself, her friends, and the klal. This can be done in an appropriate way through writing articles, working with shadchanim and married couples, or brainstorming with other people who are single. If this roommate reads this or anyone who feels the same way is reading this article, please reach out to me and I can put you in touch with amazing people who have a similar mission.
So what are you supposed to do now? Find a rav or mentor that your roommate is close with and have them speak with her to make sure she understands the severity of her actions. In a very positive and chill manner explain to her that you appreciate the intentions behind what she is doing but that you feel more comfortable going through shadchanim that you have worked with in the past. Ask her
to not send out your information to anyone and if she sees something that she thinks could be shayach to send the name to you and you will have a shadchan you work with reach out to the guy.
In terms of Yonaton, I would reach out to a shadchan that you know and trust and have them suggest it to him. Have them play it as a regular suggestion and see what he says. If he says that you went out and it wasn’t shayach they can ask what didn’t work. This will give you the opportunity to see if it was because the “shadchan” messed up or if he really wasn’t interested.
This is a lot and you are doing great. I am happy to hear that you are looking for a new apartment and getting away from this toxic person. It’s a crazy battle out there, and I am proud of you for doing what is right. Shkoyach for standing up for yourself and making sure that others don’t get hurt the way you did.
As always, all feedback, thoughts, and ideas are welcome: renafriedman2@gmail.com.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
Tammy, your letter is a powerful testimonial for being exceedingly careful and meticulous in screening potential roommates.
The more I thought about it, the
more I realized that this is not a trivial dilemma. In fact, this problem can have catastrophic consequences for you.
At first, I was going to suggest a group intervention. You and a few of your girlfriends would sit down with your roommate and explain that although she means well, her efforts are not appreciated and that she should immediately stop what she is doing.
But then I realized that your roommate’s problems are unlikely to be solved by amateurs, no matter how well-meaning they might be. Consequently, I was going to suggest that she seek professional counseling, perhaps with my very qualified colleagues who contribute to this “Navidater” column.
But then I realized that referring her for professional coun
The Navidaters Your roommate is not well. People like her have the potential to destroy careers, relationships and seling might likewise not be a good idea, and might backfire badly. Your roommate might bitterly resent your implication that something is wrong with her. No one appreciates being told that their behavior is weird. Her resentment might then manifest itself in even more bizarre behavior.
If your roommate becomes vindictive, she can cause you great harm. There is no limit to the amount of mischief that can be caused by a spiteful individual who has access to a laptop or smartphone. She can easily sabotage your shidduch prospects and destroy your reputation.
So, here are my five, strong suggestions: 1. Obviously, relocate immediately. But explain to your room
Pulling It All Together
Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Dear Tammy,
mate and to everyone else that you lives. The lengths that she went to
Have a question for the panel? They’re here to help you with your dating conundrums. Email your questions for the panelists to Jen at thenavidaters@gmail.com. and the lies that she told are outside the realm of “shticky” or “quirky.” She needs professional help which you cannot provide. I suggest you err on the side of caution and not suggest she get help in the likelihood that your good intentions will backfire on you in a dangerous way down the road. Your roommate has proven that she cannot be trusted. We simply don’t know what she is capable of doing.
I suggest that you move out ASAP. are moving not because your roommate is insane but because you need to live closer to your job, your school, your relatives, or your favorite shul or pizza store. 2. Disengage from your roommate completely but amicably. No matter how hard you try, you will never succeed in convincing her that she is causing problems. Keep the separation friendly and gentle. 3. Immediately change all of your online passwords. If your roommate persists in harassing or “stalking” you, you may also need to change all of your email addresses and accounts. 4. Only accept dating recommendations from professionals or friends that you know well and trust. 5. You might wish to have a third-party contact Yonatan, but you probably need to accept that his “it’s too hard to date now during corona” is his polite way of saying that he is simply not interested Do not confront her done. There is no point. Make up a story... your parents need you, you’re ready to live on your own, etc. This must be handled quietly and delicately. Do not talk about this to a million people. It will get back to her. Be nice and polite to your roommate while you are moving.
As for Yonatan, you must weigh the consequences of your decision to reach out to him. I don’t think it would be terrible to contact him through a different venue.
I am so sorry you experienced this. Be gentle with yourself as this unfolds. When we are lied to and violated in this way, feelings tend to emerge: shock, questioning the original relationship, anger, disbelief,
in a second date.
Were your roommate’s intentions benign and beneficial, or were they mean and malevolent? We’ll never know. But remember that George Bernard Shaw wrote: “The road to
about anything she has
hell is paved with good intentions.” thinking maybe you took it too far by disengaging completely.
We can wish your friend well from a safe distance... but distance is necessary in my opinion.
All the best!
Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
