10 minute read
Parenting Pearls
It Takes a Village
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
Memorial Day is when the country comes together and honors those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our country. I, like many others, have relatives who have proudly served in the military. Thankfully, all my great-uncles returned safely, but sadly, many others can’t say the same. We and our families should take a moment to appreciate and honor those that have served and been lost.
This Memorial Day is a difficult one for my extended family. Our family will come together from different parts of the country for the unveiling of the matzeivah of my uncle, Manish Yitzchak ben Aryeh, after his passing this past summer. I remember after his passing one thought that came to my mind was the gift of family that he helped give to us. Like many other families, ours was devastated by the Holocaust. We were a small but close-knit group. I have fond memories of my siblings and I making the hours-long drive, trekking across the country to visit our cousins for yom tov, particularly Pesach. As we would leap out of the car, we were greeted by my Bubby’s chicken soup. At that moment, any hope my uncle had for calm was long gone. We were rambunctious and chaotic, but our family became closer from these visits. I’m sure the extra people in the house were challenging for my uncle, but he greeted us happily each time.
I know those trips weren’t easy for my parents, either but, as they told me, family is important. I thought this would be an appropriate time to discuss the important role of extended family in a child’s life. Additionally, not everyone has family close by. Those children, too, deserve to have many people who love them and care for them outside their own home. They say it takes a village to raise a child. As parents, we have the opportunity to create that village and expand it as our children need.
Benefits
We usually know there are benefits to our children being close to others but the benefits go beyond that. Family is often there for you even when others aren’t. It can, and should, be a nearly unbreakable bond. Even if they don’t like you, they still need to put up with you.
I’ve often been amazed at just how special the grandparent-grandchild bond is. There is something unique and inherently loving when it comes to grandparents. Most of us have the warmest feelings when we remember our grandparents. They are among the few who could love us no matter what we got ourselves into. Encouraging this relationship is beneficial to our children.
I know that each relative adds their own something special. There may be relatives you like more and some you like less but the bond is often there.
Compromising
You’d think it would be easy to include extended relatives in a child’s life. For many families, it is; for others, not so much. It’s surprising how much parenting styles and personalities can differ between one generation and the next. In addition, medical advice has changed over the decades. What was once considered the safest way to care for an infant or child is now often considered an unsafe practice.
Unique parenting and personality styles are one of the many differences you can see between people. Using grandparents as an example, you would imagine that a child is similar in parenting style to their own parents, but that is often not the case. This gets even more pronounced when it’s in-laws who didn’t raise you personally and may have very different parenting methods than the ones you were raised with. As an example, so often we see that one generation tends to be stricter parents, while the other generation is more relaxed. This often leads to friction. The world has changed so much since we were kids that it makes sense that parenting styles would change. Some like things to be neat, and other want “kids to be kids.” Some people are strict about limiting sweets, and others feel that food is food. The list is endless – as are the potential causes of friction and disagreement. All you need to do is check the advice columns of many papers to see some of the many ways generations conflict about the best way to raise children. It’s possibly one of the most common topics addressed!
Another difference is that medical advice has changed. Most of us reading this article were put to sleep on our stomachs – for our own safety. We probably even had blankets to keep us warm. Many of us had cribs with bumpers. Our children’s pediatricians tell us now to put our babies to sleep on their backs – for
their own safety. Blankets are worn or not used, and crib bumpers are a big no-no. In fact, many of the cribs we have in storage are illegal now because of the danger they have been shown to pose. It’s only natural that grandparents will do what they were trained to do. Unfortunately, many older relatives have done what they were trained to do only to have the child’s parents panic.
In nearly all of these situations, compromising can work. We can stick to our principles but risk the grandparent-grandchild (or extended family) bond, or we can work out a way to come to a solution that respects all of our needs and allows the relationship to flourish. We all have how we envision the perfect way to raise a child but that vision may need to be gently put aside to allow a more important bond to develop. You may want your child to be sugar-free but allowing one treat from a grandparent is unlikely to ruin their health or appetite. A grandparent may walk in, disturbed to see unwashed laundry, but maybe it’s worth seeing the laundry when they can see their grandchild’s smile instead.
Speak respectfully and be willing to compromise knowing that the greater good of the child is often met when generations come together and cooperate over caring for and loving a child. We’re supposed to have our principles and values but sometimes the most important one is a healthy relationship with those who love our children. Speaking to a rav, rebbetzin, or mentor can often be a good way to get clarity and help families navigate sensitive sit-
uations. Just having the opinion of an unbiased person can add a lot to the discussion.
Make the Time
Children can’t bond with those they don’t see or communicate with. It’s important to make the time for children to visit their relatives. It may not always be convenient, but it’s usually worth it in the end. Where that isn’t feasible, kids often enjoy virtual visits. Phone and video calls can be a great way to connect when in-person visits aren’t possible. Even my little ones love to see their family members over the video chat. You’d be surprised how much children can gain from speaking to relatives. Keep in mind that some children will have trouble or become anxious when using phone or video chat, and this should be respected.
Creating the Village
Children need many people in their lives. Each person they connect with can provide something special for them. Often, a child can really benefit from developing a special bond with another adult who really understands them. Many families have close family friends who act as surrogate families to each other’s children. This can be one way, especially for those who don’t have family nearby, to build that village for their child. Children benefit from knowing they have someone else they can turn to in an emergency or if they need something. Even just knowing someone will be there if they can’t contact you is something reassuring for a child.
Mentors or “big brothers/sisters” type programs are another way to bring a trusted adult into your child’s life. A child who is embarrassed to discuss an unpleasant school or friend situation with a parent may open up more easily to someone else, such as a mentor.
Exceptions
You knew there had to be exceptions. I know of situations that have been more complicated, such as relatives feeding the children non-kosher food or food the child was allergic to. Often, compromise is still possible but it can’t be done at the expense of a child’s neshama or safety. In some cases, the compromise reached was that the relative was able to spend time with the child but couldn’t be left unsupervised. Each situation is different and needs to be dealt with appropriately.
We all know of cases where someone is considered “toxic” and may be emotionally unhealthy for the child to be around. Even worse, I know of cases where a relative has been outright dangerous to children, including their own. These individuals have a history of unmentionable behavior towards children and are a serious risk.
Your child’s safety is of paramount concern and can’t be sacrificed to encourage a bond with someone at risk of hurting them. Seek the advice of someone knowledgeable and do what you need to do. Any advice beyond that is beyond the scope of this article.
As much as parents are to a child, we can’t be everything. Children benefit from a loving bond with many others in their lives, and we can help them achieve that extra connection and security that comes from knowing they are special to many.
Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@ gmail.com.
In The K tchen
White Chocolate Mousse
By Naomi Nachman
I recently did a Zoom cooking class with a group of women from Zurich, Switzerland. While discussing and preparing for the class, one of the women from the committee, Noemi Levi, who I had become very close with through Instagram, told me about this super-easy, white chocolate mousse recipe. When I say easy, it’s really easy!
She tested it, I tested it, and we both loved this recipe. As my family is avid white chocolate fans, this made for an instant hint. You can serve it for seudat shlishit, or for brunch � or just keep them in the freezer in case you have guests who drop by unexpectedly.
PHOTO BY MICHAL LANGNAS @MIMI.S_SWEET_TREATS
Ingredients b3 bars good quality white Swiss chocolate, 300 grams b2 eggs, lightly beaten b2 cups heavy cream, whipped to stiff peaks
Preparation
1. Melt chocolate in glass bowl over a simmering pot of water. Continuously stir until it’s very smooth. 2. Once it has slightly cooled, mix in the eggs. 3. Then fold into the whipped cream with a rubber spatula. 4. Divide mixture into dessert cups and place in fridge for 2 hours until it sets.
Naomi Nachman, the owner of The Aussie Gourmet, caters weekly and Shabbat/ Yom Tov meals for families and individuals within The Five Towns and neighboring communities, with a specialty in Pesach catering. Naomi is a contributing editor to this paper and also produces and hosts her own weekly radio show on the Nachum Segal Network stream called “A Table for Two with Naomi Nachman.” Naomi gives cooking presentations for organizations and private groups throughout the New York/New Jersey Metropolitan area. In addition, Naomi has been a guest host on the QVC TV network and has been featured in cookbooks, magazines as well as other media covering topics related to cuisine preparation and personal chefs. To obtain additional recipes, join The Aussie Gourmet on Facebook or visit Naomi’s blog. Naomi can be reached through her website, www.theaussiegourmet.com or at (516) 295-9669.
