My Mother is So Annoying by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

from Five Towns Jewish Home - 8-19-21

by The Jewish Home

Let That Be a Lesson to You by Rivki D. Rosenwald Esq., CLC, SDS

Dr. Deb

My Mother is So Annoying

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

I’ve heard that one from people of all ages: “My mother is so annoying.”

From 15-year-olds to 50-year-olds.

Well, it makes sense. There is certainly a generation gap. Not only that, but no one likes to have a mother (or father) lording their power over you. And if they did happen to do that when you were young, then now that you are old enough to be your own boss – maybe a parent yourself with a bunch of your own children running around – it’s kind of sweet not to have to “take” all that bossiness from your mother anymore.

It’s kind of a relief to be way too old and too much on your own for your mom to be able to say “boo.” Not only that, not only is it a relief, but you almost feel fully justified in putting your mother down just a little. After all, she absolutely can’t do anything to you now. And you’ve got the grandchildren as leverage besides.

Such fun! You can complain to someone, anyone, that she is “so annoying” and actually get away with it. You could not do that when you were 14. I mean, you did it, but you just couldn’t get away with it.

And when we examine what makes her annoying anyway, that’s when the wind whooshes out of your sails. Because really, she isn’t doing anything particularly egregious. She’s just being her. And her little ways can rub you the wrong way sometimes. (Now, if she was abusive, then you wouldn’t use the word “annoying,” so that should be left for another discussion.)

But just why is it that you have such a low tolerance for her?

The reality is that if there is anyone in the universe that you should have a high tolerance for – it’s her.

This thought came to me a couple of weeks ago when my son suggested he accompany me to visit my parents’ graves in New Jersey. It was a wonderful trip because we really had a chance to talk, a rare treat. So I told him a bunch of history about his grandparents.

But when we got to the cemetery, and we’d completed our Tehillim, I felt compelled to say a few words to my long-gone parents. It felt so good, as if they could actually hear. I felt close to them at that point.

When you go to the cemetery, you get a sense of the span of time. You take a clear look back, and it’s just amazing to realize what you did not know about yourself and your future way back when.

It was a hot, but stunning day. And, just by being there, I felt very alive. I looked at my son, thinking how little we could have imagined, way back when I was growing up in my parents’ house, that I would be the mother of children and grandchildren. Surely, I have been enormously blessed.

I’ve had this feeling of alive-ness ever since my husband died. It was shocking that he died, a person so full of life, with so many plans for the future – unrealized. But it gave me awareness of the preciousness of every moment. Because you don’t know when your moments will be up.

When that feeling walks beside you throughout your day, then everything becomes wonderful. You realize that it could have been you. There is no reason why it wouldn’t have been you. You don’t especially have more merits than the one who didn’t make it, and even if you think you do, Hashem does His reckoning according to His own algorithms and we’re not privy to them.

So you pay attention to the taste of the morning coffee and nothing beats that. The sun is so gorgeous. The rain is lovely, too. And people! People intersect my life in a way that enriches it, yes, even the “annoying” ones.

Which brings me back to my mother – and yours.

It’s not trivial to say that we have to give kavod av v’aim because our parents gave us life. That was an enormous gift. Perhaps more than the prettiness of flowers and the taste of foods is the gift of what you can do here. You get the chance to stretch your mind and then share what you’ve come up with. Everything, from amazing inventions like the internet to the ordinary of life like kind words between friends comes from the gift of just being alive.

Now, you may say to me – and depressed people say it all the time – that their life is not enjoyable at all. I would agree. Life is very hard, very challenging. I won’t argue with that. But, oh boy, when you conquer those challenges, look what you have.

Chavi Willig Levy, who got polio at age three, talks in her book, A Life Not With Standing, (available at the Judaica stores) about wanting to get married. People raised eyebrows and wondered when she would come down from her fantasy world. But she didn’t come down. Instead, she got married, had kids, and then grandkids. All to enjoy them more because of the emotional as well as physical hardships she overcame.

I don’t have to talk about people who overcame hardships like disabilities or racial prejudice to become successful entrepreneurs or professionals. That’s not necessary because you know your own story. You know what you have had to overcome – or haven’t yet overcome. And every small victory is important. It’s a step toward taking life on – and living it.

That is the reason why people should never be annoyed by their mothers. They need to look at the bigger picture: mom gave them life itself, a gift we usually take for granted. Until it’s too late.