8 minute read
Parenting Pearls
Rolling with the Divine Rhythm
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
Campers at Camp Revach enjoying the fun
Two years ago, if you had asked me what our Yomim Noraim plans were, I would’ve known more than a month in advance. I’m not an inflexible person, but I like to know some of the basics such as who our guests are and where we are davening. How else could we make yom tov if we didn’t know what to expect and had some basic plans in place?
Recently I was discussing with someone about the upcoming yomim tovim, and they asked about our plans. I shrugged and said we’d figure it out before candle lighting. I was partially joking yet still somewhat serious. I could plan some things but truly everything was tentative and subject to modification. So much has changed in such a short amount of time, and I don’t think I’m the only one that has experienced this.
For the record, I am not advocating irresponsibility. For example, I have some yom tov food in my freezer, and I’ve ordered machzorim. We all need to plan ahead and do what needs to be done to ensure we are ready for these most important days. Doing teshuva is important, too, one we shouldn’t forget. That being said, we do this knowing Hashem could change everything in an instant. We’ve always known everything was up to Hashem, but I think it’s something we feel more acutely now.
I don’t pretend to be a navi (or neviyah), despite my name, and I refuse to be one of those people who say they know why COVID happened. I am not suggesting or even hinting that I have the answers behind the Divine plan. What I can say is that one of the many results of the past year is that we’ve had to become more flexible and roll with the divine flow. I refuse to say roll with the divine “punches,” because I don’t fully agree with the connotations.
The truth is that baruch Hashem things have been calmer now than they were previously but the challenge remains and, dare I say, some of the positive results. Chasdei Hashem, COVID has become less of a focus, and you can ask what prompted this article now. One thing I noticed was that over this summer we had a number of times that plans were uprooted and change came quickly. From oil tankers turning over on major roadways to a bridge stuck in the open position, we’ve had to think fast and adjust swiftly, skills I feel we improved due to COVID. I personally was stuck in the gridlock soon after the oil tanker overturned, and I can say it was bad traffic. As the summer ends and we prepare for a new school year, we’re again facing change and adjustment.
The Challenge
This has been a challenge for all of us, parents and children alike. As adults, we are used to having a certain perception of control over our lives. We’ve lost any ability to have that misconception. It can be challenging for us to maintain our equilibrium as the world around us shakes. We’ve had to continuously adjust as curveballs have been tossed at us. Even more so, as parents, we have the added responsibility of making sure our children are coping with the often-changing conditions.
Children, in particular, thrive on routine. The younger the children are, the more they require consistency in their day. Children benefit from knowing what to expect. This gives them stability and is important for their emotional health.
Time and days are abstract concepts, but kids can rely on their daily and weekly routine to serve as signposts to guide them. For example, meals, bedtime and even car pool serve as guides for what to expect. As an example, my preschooler wanted to know when we were leaving for the pool. Someone told him 5 p.m., and he was confused; the answer was meaningless to him. I then told him which siblings would be coming home from camp before it was time to change into his bathing suit. This was a perfectly reasonable answer for him. Ironically, one kid came home at the wrong time, and he ran to get changed only to find out it wasn’t time yet. That was a hard one to explain to him since he knew what to expect, and the change was unexpected.
Displaying Flexibility
an important skill to have but a difficult one to acquire. If you find it hard as an adult, you can only imagine how complicated your child finds it. While we do want to give our children stability and constancy, we also need to slowly guide them into learning how to adapt when life is unexpected and change is sudden. Part of their chinuch needs to include learning how to adapt to new situations, and this past year has given us plenty of chances to teach them.
Over the summer, I noticed some of the remarkable ways we can help children experience flexibility and thrive from it. Sadly, I can’t say that any of the creativity mentioned in this article was my own. The credit for thinking so quickly on their feet goes to the local camps my children attended.
We are a long-time Camp MaTov family, and my boys have been going there for years. We are grateful to them for all the wonderful summers our boys have had there. Last summer, I was worried about sending my son to camp; I was high-risk and the virus situation was new. Baruch Hashem, our family remained virus-free, and our son had a blast. Rather than feeling limited, our son thrived on the new activities they added to the mix. Over the past two summers, he has had special events and new projects added to his schedule, including safrus, shofar-making and weekly guitar lessons. This summer he even made two siyumim with his camp rebbi! They really thought out-of-the-box and found fun ways to give safe activities and a wonderful summer to the children. My daughters have been having an amazing time during their first summer at camp. Camp Revach has filled their days with exciting and creative activities. Unfortunately for the camp, they had big trips planned for both the day the oil tanker overturned and the day the Atlantic Beach Bridge wouldn’t lower. My younger daughter’s bunk chased snacks, and created tons of fun on the bus. Despite being delayed by hours, my daughter came home with smiles and said how much fun the bus ride was. As an extra possible stress, we missed a much-awaited pizza party with our extended family because of the bridge traffic. My parents saved the day and drove the pizza to us so the kids wouldn’t miss out.
In all these situations, the adults were able to be flexible and make
had a full-day trip planned that had to be canceled without warning because the buses couldn’t get past the oil tanker traffic. Instead, last minute plans were made, and she had a full day consisting of water slides, bowling and Berrylicious. She still smiles when talking about it.
My older daughter was on an exciting trip in Long Beach when her bus got stuck on the wrong side of a bridge that wouldn’t let them cross. Much time passed, and the bus still couldn’t get through. They had to take a long detour; you might call it the “scenic route”. The staff arranged a bathroom pit stop, purchanges, and the children thrived in a setting that could have otherwise been very upsetting for them. Rather than focus on what they couldn’t do, or be stressed by missing out on their anticipated plans, the children were thrilled by the new arrangements.
Adults as Leaders
We easily underestimate the role we play, leading a child through their day. The role of adult leadership is a topic all its own and deserves a separate article because of its importance. As we adults are learning to be more flexible and take on each challenge as it comes, our children can see us as an example for how to deal with changing times. It’s not easy and I won’t deny how difficult it can be for us to cope with our own feelings as our plans fall through and we need to adjust instantly. It can be upsetting and even adults need to work through their emotions when their hopes are dashed.
We all thrive on predictability, and it can be painful, as well, for us when we lack stability. As we strengthen our ability to adjust to change, we can begin to assist our children in strengthening their resiliency muscles, too. Each time we cope with change, we are also leading by example and educating our children simultaneously.
We should recognize that we have a crucial role in how our children will adjust to change as it comes. We have the ability to help them turn failure into future successes and mistakes into accomplishments. We can show our children how to make the best of their situation and see the blessings in whatever Hashem gives us.
