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shidduchim, we must keep in mind that no family is perfect, and unless it’s a severe situation, we cannot hold an individual accountable for his or her parents’ actions. Of course, if a family situation impacted a child, it should be looked into, but everyone needs to decide for themselves how much research is required around various topics. If we held every parent’s actions against a child then no one would be married, because isn’t everyone’s mother-in-law crazy?
The Zaidy Dr. Jeffrey Galler
I
have three thoughts to share. First, interestingly, you do not discuss what you like about the boy,
merely what you do not like about his family! Do you feel a strong attraction to this young man, or does he simply satisfy the check marks on your shopping list? You write that, “He’s a great guy and has a lot of the qualities I’m looking for in a husband.” If you really liked the young man, if you really felt strongly attracted to him, and if you really felt that he could be a loving, life partner, that fact that his family comes from a different background shouldn’t be so problematic. Second, let’s discuss why it’s a good idea to meet a prospective mate’s family. Meeting the family allows you to observe: are family members sociopaths? Do family members hate each other? Do they abuse drugs or alcohol? Do they floss their teeth right at
Pulling It All Together The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
D
ear Rivka, Thank you for writing! When the in-law family is so different from our own, or not at all what we had envisioned, it can leave some people feeling confused. Envisioning yourself at the Shabbos table with Sparky wasn’t a part of your plan, and it clearly makes you uncomfortable. The hippy siblings and his baal teshuva parents are simply not within your comfort zone. As with all things in life, no one can tell you what to do, and you will have to trust your intuition. Here is some food for thought as you work out your
decision-making process. We do not control all the variables. We do not get to choose our in-law families. We don’t even get to choose our own families. We do, however, get to choose a spouse. When someone comes from a very dysfunctional or toxic family, we may wonder if we can spend the rest of our lives dealing with these people. And that is understandable. In my opinion, a dog near the table is not a reason to give up a man you want to marry. It is
the dining room table? The purpose of meeting the family is NOT to see if you come from the same background. That’s not so important. What is important is to make sure that you and your boyfriend have the same values, dreams, aspirations, and plans for the future. Third, Orthodox Judaism is a large tent that can lovingly accommodate folks from very different backgrounds. It is not healthy for all of us to cloister exclusively with tribe members who are exactly like us. I strongly believe that it is very healthy for the future of Judaism for Ashkenazim to marry Sephardim, for Chassidim to marry Litvaks, for FFBs to marry BTs, Jews of Polish descent to marry Jews of Hungarian descent, and for Yankee fans to marry Met fans. (On the other hand, if your family members are cat-lovers, and his are dog-lovers, that could pose a serious problem…)
something you deal with when you visit his parents. It is something you discuss with your partner privately and decide together whether or not you will have your own dog in your own home. I’m not sure how serious you are about this relationship if you are considering breaking up because of this. If you really have feelings for your guy, and you want to proceed, you are going to have to let go of the in-law Shabbos table you had always dreamt of. You can take a little time and allow yourself the process of letting go. Whenever we let go of something, there may be a little grieving involved. That is OK. Allow yourself your feelings without judging yourself (i.e., wondering if you’re
Perhaps the family will be the type to expect their daughter-inlaw to walk out of the hospital after having a newborn baby wearing a freshly washed sheitel, 3-inch heels, and dressed to the nines.
immature. Shaming yourself won’t help.) Letting go will allow you the space you deserve. You will need to fully embrace your partner and your potential new life. And as long as Sparky isn’t up on the counter serving chulent out of the crockpot, or invited to sing zemiros at the table, you may find yourself coming to enjoy the love and affection of a family dog. Loosen up your vision, see if there is any wiggle room within yourself to truly let this dream of the perfect baalabatish family go, and try to make room for the potential beautiful life Hashem has presented to you. If you really can’t do it, that is OK, too. But I would advise speaking with a professional to make sure you are comfortable with your decision. All the best, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
