Centerfold

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* TJH Centerfold

Certainly Not Whining

“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat, you need it.” - Napoleon Bonaparte

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.” -

Benjamin Franklin

“What wine goes with Captain Crunch?” - George Carlin

“Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” - Joan Collins

“Better is old wine than new, and old friends like-wise.” - Charles Kingsley

“One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.” - Samuel Johnson

“I only drink Champagne when I’m happy, and when I’m sad.

Sometimes I drink it when I’m alone.

When I have company, I consider it obligatory. I trifl e with it if I am not hungry and drink it when I am.

Otherwise I never touch it – unless

I’m thirsty.” - Lily Bollinger

“A bottle of wine begs to be shared; I have never met a miserly wine lover.” - Clifton Fadiman

Sometimes I drink it when I’m alone.

Riddle Me This?

There are 11 bottles in front of you. You have a headache (perhaps from doing this riddle) and are told that one of the bottles contains an antidote that will make you feel better. The rest of the bottles are either Empty Bottles, Water Bottles, or Poisoned Bottles.

You know the following facts about the order of the bottles...

Bottles: 1) 2) Empty Bottle 3) 4) 5) 6) Poisoned Bottle 7) 8) 9) Empty Bottle 10) 11) Poisoned Bottle

You also know that:

• There are 4 Empty Bottles in front of you. • There is always a Poisoned Bottle next to another

Poisoned Bottle, but never on both sides. • There are two other bottles between the Water Bottles. • There are only 2 Water Bottles. • Empty Bottles are just like Poisoned Bottles, there is always one of the same kind next to it there is always one of the same kind next to it but never on both sides. but never on both sides. • The Antidote is in between a Poisoned Bottle and an Empty Bottle.

List the bottles, in order, so you can fi nd List the bottles, in order, so you can fi nd your antidote.

9) Empty; 10) Poisoned; 11) Poisoned 4) Water; 5) Poisoned; 6) Poisoned; 7) Antidote; 8) Empty; Answer to Riddle - Bottles: 1) Water; 2) Empty; 3) Empty;

Wine Trivia

1. What is the world’s most planted grape variety? a. Cabernet Sauvignon b. Concord c. Merlot d. Pinot Noir

2. How much wine is in a standard bottle? a. 500 ml b. 750 ml c. 100 ml d. 1500 ml

3. Which country has the largest area of vineyards? a. Italy b. France c. Spain d. U.S.A.

4. According to Winston Churchill, approximately how many bottles of Pol Roger Champagne did he drink in his lifetime? a. 1,500 b. 5,000 c. 20,000 d. 42,000 5. Aside for a 1992 bottle of Screaming

Eagle Cabernet

Sauvignon, which sold at a charity auction for way more than it was worth, a 1947 French Cheval-Blanc is widely recognized as the most expensive sold bottle of wine in history. How much did it sell for? a. $304,375 b. $543,000 c. $1.72 million d. $3.6 million

6. Oregon has the second most wineries in the U.S., with approximately 800.

Approximately how many does

California have (“Yes, yes, I know you love Oxnard…”)? a. 2,000 b. 4,500 c. 6,000 d. 12,000

7. How many grapes are needed to make an average bottle of wine? a. 150

Answers: 1. A 2. B 3. C 4. D 5. A 6. B 7. C 8. D Wine Wisdom: 6-8 correct: You are a real wine connoisseur. I can see you swirling your wine glass with your pinky sticking out like it has no right to be at your wine party. 3-5 correct: You know a bit about wine but don’t understand what’s wrong with mixing a little grape juice into it to give some more tase. Oy vey. 0-2 correct: You are oenophobic. (Don’t worry, I’m not disparaging you. It just means that you have a fear of wines.) b. 300 c. 600 d. d. 2,500 8. Why do wine glasses have a stem? a. It has become the standard way to distinguish wine glasses from non-alcoholic beverage glasses. b. Since waiters usually pour the wine for patrons, it is a way for them to lift the glass without touching the drinking area. c. The higher wine is, the sharper its taste; having a stem raises the cup level. d. So that the drinker holds the stem of the glass, thus not raising the temperature of the wine in the cup.

You Gotta be Kidding Me!

The past, present, and future were in a bar. It was tense. * * *

What did the grape say when the man stepped on it?

Nothing. It just let out a little whine.