8 minute read
Parenting Pearls
Parenting Pearls Be Your Child’s Advocate
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
As parents, we have many jobs. We are responsible for everything, from making sure our kids have shelter and a warm place to live to making sure they have food, clothing, and their emotional needs met. In between being personal chef, chief financier, and personal chauffeur, we can add in personal advocate/lawyer. We don’t usually think of ourselves this way but the truth is our children rely on us to advocate for them and ensure their needs outside our home are being addressed, as well.
These needs can vary. Some children will need a parent to help them get the correct medical care, while others will need mental health services. Some children will need special education services, while others simply need help making their young voices heard to another adult. Advocating for our kids need not, and should not, be seen as an aggressive thing; it’s simply speaking up for our children who can’t speak for themselves.
Kids can’t do it alone
Kids need help from others. They are too young and immature to understand the world around them and navigate it without assistance from others – it’s that simple.
Kids often may not even realize what they need. A child who is having issues in some area of their life may not realize that what they’re experiencing isn’t normal or that assistance is available. A ten-year-old girl experiencing the symptoms of clinical depression may not realize what she’s feeling but she certainly needs help. An eight-year-old boy with visual perception issues may be struggling to understand the schoolwork in front of him, but he has no way to verbalize the challenges he’s experiencing. He may not even recognize that the letters in front of him are supposed to make sense. If you’ve never experienced what “normal” for a given situation feels like, you’re not going to know that what you’re experiencing isn’t “normal.”
Kids, like adults, can compensate for what they’re lacking, and this may hide their true need. I’ve seen kids compensate in various ways to hide real learning issues. My daughter unintentionally compensated so well that we had trouble catching a very profound vision issue. It’s amazing how talented kids can be.
Not only are kids often unable to recognize or verbalize what they’re feeling, they sometimes try to hide it. Sometimes kids are just embarrassed and don’t want others to know what they can’t do. Even kids are sensitive to being unable to do something, and they may try to prevent others from knowing. As adults, we also have trouble admitting when we can’t do something and we will try to avoid letting it be known.
Sometimes, kids are afraid of what will happen if you find out. I’ve had little ones hide a minor infection in their finger or toe out of fear they’ll be taken to the doctor or that treating it will hurt. When I did discover the infection, it was no longer minor. I know of a young girl who hid that she was having an asthma attack so she wouldn’t be taken to the hospital and miss out on a birthday party. While we know that ultimately this is detrimental, kids don’t think that way, and their fear and lack of experience can prevent them from telling an adult about their problem.
So far, all the examples I’ve mentioned are innocent ways kids can hide issues. While it’s beyond the scope of this article, it does need to be mentioned. We are all too aware of the very scary but real fact that adults can intentionally hurt children – physically, emotionally or in other ways and scare, or in some other way, prevent the children from recognizing and reporting it. Don’t ignore your instincts and do report any concerning behavior.
Kids need adult intervention
In all the situations mentioned above, the children needed someone older and more knowledgeable to speak for them. Children need us, the adults in their life, to recognize their needs and get them the assistance they require. The uniting factor in all of the examples in this article is that the parents were in tune to their child’s unspoken needs, and they responded. Some situations are easier than others to deal with. You might be surprised to read that most of the examples given above are real life examples that I know of personally. The ten-year-old girl’s parents brought up the issue with her pediatrician, and she began seeing a psychologist. The young asthmatic girl’s parents recognized the signs of an asthma attack, and she was brought to the hospital for a few days’ stay. My daughter saw a pediatric ophthalmologist, and she now has glasses. These were all rather straightforward (I didn’t say “easy”) situations, and the parents needed to get their child to the right professional.
Other situations will require more advocating. The eight-year-old boy with visual perception issues was more complicated. His mother had major issues getting him tested by the district. She had to learn the hard way how to get his case taken seriously. You’d be surprised how many times I get calls from parents having trouble getting special education services for their children. These parents feel like they should’ve gone for a law degree, while some actually do need to contact lawyers.
While some issues require serious advocacy, other issues are even less straightforward. I know of a then-preschool boy who was bullied years ago. HIs parents worked with the teachers and did everything possible. The situation got ugly, and the parents eventually came to the very painful and unpopular decision to remove him from his current school and place him in a completely different Jewish educational environment. Many expressed disapproval, but they consulted with a respected educator to guide them. He’s now a wonderful, frum young man who is educated, happy, and successful without the many issues that come with frequent bullying. His parents saw the problems and refused to ignore their son’s issues. It’s important to note that his parents didn’t throw up their hands nor did they act haphazardly, but they sought the advice of a respected professional to guide them.
Every situation needs to be dealt with individually but we, as parents, can’t be afraid to do what our children need. I am in no way advising you to remove your child from their school the moment something happens. I am suggesting that if you see a problem that is not being solved, you should
continue to speak up for your child and respectfully make their needs known. If you don’t speak for your child, who will?
Sometimes it’s a medical issue or another issue that isn’t being addressed appropriately. If you see that the current solution isn’t a good one, then please say something. Your child’s teacher, doctor, and other caring adults want to help, but they don’t see everything you see. Even professionals can only help if they know what is and isn’t working. Most of the people in your child’s life are well-meaning and care for him/her, but they often don’t have the insight to your child that you have.
Speak respectfully
I’ve had to do a lot of advocacy throughout my homeschooling years. I have learned some tricks such as making sure everything is in writing. I have learned to not be afraid to go to the higher ups, as needed.
One principle I’ve tried to maintain throughout all the frustrations is to try to be respectful. Your point can be clear and firm while still being respectful. It’s important to mention again that most of the people you will be speaking to are well-meaning and caring. Give them the courtesy you want them to give to you. There are
times parents can get frustrated with a teacher – be respectful. There are so many people you will come across, and by being respectful and appropriate in your interactions you will not only be a mensch but also a role model of exceptional behavior for your child.
Before sending an email, reread it a few times. Before calling someone, you may find it helpful to make a list of the points you want to cover. Some people will find it helpful to send a written note instead of a phone call. The situation and your personal preference in communications will determine the best way to make contact. You want to be clear in what your child’s needs are but without blame,
If you don’t speak up for your child, who will?
anger, or name calling.
Many will find it helpful to have someone else review the communication before it’s sent. Often, another person’s insights can be valuable.
Aim high
While it is rare, there are times you may need to go up the chain of command. I’ve spoken with higher officials in the New York State Department of Education, when necessary. Last week, I was in contact with Assemblywoman Stacey Pheffer Amato’s office about a special education-related manner. It is a rarely required but powerful tool.
I’m not at all suggesting you run to your child’s principal or the DOE for every issue. Parents should just be aware that this is an option, when needed. You’d be surprised how eager people can be to help and how much of a difference it can make for your cause.
Our children need us to be their voice when they can’t speak and to continuously look out for them. By being aware of your children’s ever-changing needs, you can help them get whatever assistance they require to help them reach the great heights they are capable of achieving.
Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.
