Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

Are You Vulnerable?

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

Are you vulnerable?

“Of course not!” I can hear you saying. “I’m a strong person! I’m not going to break down and cry. I’m not going to get hurt so easily.”

Ah.

But you see, that’s great – and it’s also your biggest problem.

“Now, wait a minute,” I might hear you respond. “Do you want me to play victim? Always crying? I’m not going to do that.”

Of course, I don’t want you to be/ feel like/act like a victim.

The Definition of “Vulnerability

But what if “vulnerable” doesn’t mean being a weakling, a scaredycat, a victim? What if you could be strong and vulnerable? What if you could bounce back from tears without feeling like a victim?

What if, in fact, you could cry without feeling shame?

See, that’s quite the opposite of playing victim, isn’t it?

In truth, if you want a happy, connected, mutually respectful, and intimate marriage, the both of you need to be vulnerable with each other. You may put on the necessary “mask” for the world. But not for each other.

Maybe we need to define “vulnerable.” It means: • No defense mechanisms; you’re no longer triggered • No striking out because someone said something • Your soul is open; you can say anything • You trust your spouse with knowing your shortcomings. (And your spouse lives up to that trust) • You’re okay with having shortcomings; you know they don’t reduce your value to the world in your own eyes • If shortcomings are pointed out to you respectfully, you appreciate the information; you want to grow. • Having shortcomings makes you human; you can happily work on them and still love, cherish, admire, and believe in yourself.

And the flip side of being vulnerable therefore is: • You can get triggered and you may over-react • Some of that reaction may be building a wall • Sometimes a wall looks like superiority • Or intellectualism • Or walking out • Or being numb • Or blaming the other person for something

One thing is clear, here: When you put up defenses, you’re not you. There is no window, no opening into you.

So your spouse can’t connect.

That means there’s no relationship, basically.

When Should You Build a Wall and When Should You Be Vulnerable?

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes you need a wall. If your spouse is not trustworthy, you need a wall.

There are lots of ways of being untrustworthy. The most sneaky and painful way is when you share a shortcoming and they use that as an opportunity to make a dig or take you down. When you’re married to someone who does that, then, of course, you put up a wall. Not doing so would be reckless.

But let’s take a situation that I see often: the spouse who says the wrong things or makes accusations, or picks on your weak spot, yet doesn’t mean to be hurtful. Well, let me clarify that. A part of them does mean to be mean. That part is most likely the ten-year-old child inside them who rebelled against authority because they felt they were being unfairly treated.

Remember, we are an accumulation of parts that started life as we started life – as kids. And then there’s the neshama which, in theory, should lead all these parts but often doesn’t. Often one part or another takes over us because we don’t know what else to do.

So in what otherwise should be a good marriage, sometimes we let that ten-year-old inside of us take control. And it can be nasty. The adult that we are really doesn’t want to be mean, really doesn’t want to get taken over by the child inside. But it happens again and again.

So here is my question:

If your spouse apologizes from time to time, and doesn’t want to be mean, is it better for you to keep your wall up?

Or is it better for you to be vulnerable, let it all hang out, and take your chances on the response you get?

Or is there a third choice?

I don’t like the first two choices, and I’ll tell you why. Keeping the wall up may be safe but it’s no fun. You don’t have a relationship. You’re less than roommates – the wall actually encourages hostility.

Here’s why:

It is a normal reaction to put up your own defenses when someone else’s defenses are up. That means that your wall adds to the problem. It actually encourages your partner to be mean and nasty. He/she feels unsafe because they can’t see who you are.

When people don’t know what they’re dealing with, they become more defensive than they would have when the other person is transparent.

Can you see that?

So that’s why I don’t favor the wall option. You will have no marriage that way and end up in divorce court.

But the vulnerable way is not safe at all. You can’t let it all hang out when you don’t know if you’ll be slapped for it, verbally, emotionally, or otherwise.

Unless . . .

The Third Choice

You know what vulnerability can be like?

Like the excitement of a ski jump. Or a roller coaster. Or a sky dive.

There’s nothing like it. I know because I see it and I see how happy the participants are.

Providing they’re both in it together. That’s the key. Each one has a lot to lose. But they take a chance on the goodwill of the other person. How? How can they get to that place of good will?

To answer that question, we kind of have to go backwards and ask how come they weren’t nice to each other in the first place.

The answer is that we all are subject to being triggered.

This past election triggered me, for sure. That’s an example. It gave me a feeling of a lack of safety, of not knowing who I can trust anymore. Lots of little things can trigger us, too. And the only way we can be safe with another person is if we make the distinction between things that trigger us because of our own personal history vs. we’re triggered because the other person said or did something abusive, hurtful, insensitive or the like.

If it’s coming from our own history, then we need to understand where exactly in our history did that start so we can deal directly with it.

How do you do that? Here’s how:

So let’s say Anne is triggered by Arnie’s question, “Do you think we ought to move?”

Step 1: She has to notice that she was triggered.

Step 2: She has to wonder why it triggered her because there’s nothing wrong with Arnie’s question. It was not abusive or hurtful.

Step 3: She has to do some serious reflection so as to be fair to her husband. After all, if he did nothing wrong and asked an innocent question, then her being triggered is her responsibility.

Anne realizes that, in her childhood, her parents would move the

They take a chance on the goodwill of the other person.

family often because they hadn’t been able to pay the rent. They’d move when they were evicted or just before that. Moving therefore had a very painful edge to it. The trigger made her feel degraded.

But very clearly, it was her problem, not her husband’s.

Luckily, Anne and Arnie decide to work together on their marriage so Anne will overcome her triggers and Arnie will be more sensitive to what they are – after she tells him, of course.

And they will both do this for each other.

The good part: By each person taking responsibility for their share of the challenges in the marriage, they feel appreciative of one another, respectful of the other’s courage, and connected because they’re sharing this good step together.

Eventually, they will get past all triggers and be able to be safely vulnerable with each other. That’s when the fun and excitement of a good marriage starts.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.