104 52
FEBRUARY 18, 2021 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Dr. Deb
Are You Vulnerable? By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
A
re you vulnerable? “Of course not!” I can hear you saying. “I’m a strong person! I’m not going to break down and cry. I’m not going to get hurt so easily.” Ah. But you see, that’s great – and it’s also your biggest problem. “Now, wait a minute,” I might hear you respond. “Do you want me to play victim? Always crying? I’m not going to do that.” Of course, I don’t want you to be/ feel like/act like a victim.
The Definition of “Vulnerability But what if “vulnerable” doesn’t mean being a weakling, a scaredycat, a victim? What if you could be strong and vulnerable? What if you could bounce back from tears without feeling like a victim? What if, in fact, you could cry without feeling shame? See, that’s quite the opposite of playing victim, isn’t it? In truth, if you want a happy, connected, mutually respectful, and intimate marriage, the both of you need to be vulnerable with each other. You may put on the necessary “mask” for the world. But not for each other. Maybe we need to define “vulnerable.” It means: • No defense mechanisms; you’re no longer triggered • No striking out because someone said something • Your soul is open; you can say anything • You trust your spouse with knowing your shortcomings. (And your spouse lives up to that trust) • You’re okay with having shortcomings; you know they don’t reduce your value to the world in your own eyes • If shortcomings are pointed out
to you respectfully, you appreciate the information; you want to grow. • Having shortcomings makes you human; you can happily work on them and still love, cherish, admire, and believe in yourself. And the flip side of being vulnerable therefore is: • You can get triggered and you may over-react • Some of that reaction may be building a wall • Sometimes a wall looks like superiority • Or intellectualism • Or walking out • Or being numb • Or blaming the other person for something One thing is clear, here: When you put up defenses, you’re not you. There is no window, no opening into you. So your spouse can’t connect. That means there’s no relationship, basically.
When Should You Build a Wall and When Should You Be Vulnerable? Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes you need a wall. If your spouse is not
trustworthy, you need a wall. There are lots of ways of being untrustworthy. The most sneaky and painful way is when you share a shortcoming and they use that as an opportunity to make a dig or take you down. When you’re married to someone who does that, then, of course, you put up a wall. Not doing so would be reckless. But let’s take a situation that I see often: the spouse who says the wrong things or makes accusations, or picks on your weak spot, yet doesn’t mean to be hurtful. Well, let me clarify that. A part of them does mean to be mean. That part is most likely the ten-year-old child inside them who rebelled against authority because they felt they were being unfairly treated. Remember, we are an accumulation of parts that started life as we started life – as kids. And then there’s the neshama which, in theory, should lead all these parts but often doesn’t. Often one part or another takes over us because we don’t know what else to do. So in what otherwise should be a good marriage, sometimes we let
that ten-year-old inside of us take control. And it can be nasty. The adult that we are really doesn’t want to be mean, really doesn’t want to get taken over by the child inside. But it happens again and again. So here is my question: If your spouse apologizes from time to time, and doesn’t want to be mean, is it better for you to keep your wall up? Or is it better for you to be vulnerable, let it all hang out, and take your chances on the response you get? Or is there a third choice? I don’t like the first two choices, and I’ll tell you why. Keeping the wall up may be safe but it’s no fun. You don’t have a relationship. You’re less than roommates – the wall actually encourages hostility. Here’s why: It is a normal reaction to put up your own defenses when someone else’s defenses are up. That means that your wall adds to the problem. It actually encourages your partner to be mean and nasty. He/she feels unsafe because they can’t see who you are. When people don’t know what they’re dealing with, they become more defensive than they would have when the other person is transparent. Can you see that? So that’s why I don’t favor the wall option. You will have no marriage that way and end up in divorce court. But the vulnerable way is not safe at all. You can’t let it all hang out when you don’t know if you’ll be slapped for it, verbally, emotionally, or otherwise. Unless . . . The Third Choice You know what vulnerability can be like?
