Should We Feel Bad on Yom Kippur? by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

do. A chassid wearing a cowboy hat is into more modern circles. His cloththinks “most modern girls will easily a person whose inside and outside do ing is making a major statement, one go out with him and most machmir not match up. If he was truly a chasthat he is going to have to live with girls don’t give him a yes”? I wonsid for what that fully means then he consequences of. The big question is der what his answer would be. If he would not be wearing a cowboy hat, why? openly discusses his dating with you and if he was a cowboy for what that Part of the process of getting marand comes to you for advice, then I truly means then he would be not a ried includes self-awareness and inwould strongly encourage asking him chassid. It’s an impossible contradictrospection. Hashem has a plan, and open-ended questions that allow him tion. if someone is not married then it is to reflect on his past dating experi

Similarly, Dovid’s inside and outbecause Hashem does not want them ences and draw his own conclusions. side are acting as opposing forces into be right now. However, that indiAvoid offering unsolicited advice. No stead of in harmony. It’s one thing if vidual still has an achrayus to look one likes that. Additionally, you could he identified with a certain hashkafa deep within himself and reflect upon reach out to his rav or mentor to exon the inside and on the outside chose the parts of himself that could use press your concerns as his friend. to wear colored shirts or khakis; howsome work. Everyone has something The bottom line is this: Dovid ever, he is choosing to dress in a manthat they can and should work on. needs to acquire the emotional skills ner that is not even accepted as you Have you ever asked him why he to be self-aware. This move will not only serve The Navidaters

What wonderful friends you are. Being a friend isn’t always easy. Sometimes we have to have uncomfortable conversations in which we hold up a mirror that will reflect something painful or simply unwelcome to our friend. I can certainly understand why you want to speak with “Dovid” (thank you, Rena!) about this perceived “mismatch” between his insides and his outer appearance. We can try to figure out Dovid’s desires and motivations until the cows come home but without speaking with him, we truly have no way of knowing what is in his heart when it comes to his garb and self-expression.

The out-of-the-box, I-detest-social-norms, the-most-importantpart-of-a-person-is-the-soul part of me deeply resonates with someone like Dovid. We can certainly see how outer appearances can be limiting socially and within relationships. However, they are also a mainstay in society that helps people identify with a culture. And we are cognitive beings with brain “folders.” We naturally sort people, places and things and divide them into “files”: Man, woman. Good, bad. Safety, danger. Yeshivish/Modern Orthodox. Whether right or wrong, no one can deny the reality of the way of our brains work. Has it gone too far within Orthodoxy? That’s another column, entirely! And so...here you are, writing into this column because you›d like some input on what your role is with your good buddy, Dovid. You want to see him happily married and you believe that his outer appearance is getting in the way of him meeting the woman of his dreams, who may not give him a second glance because him in his dating but will help him be a better hus

Pulling It All Together band, father, son, and friend. Being

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Thank you for writing in!

able to do some seriof his ripped jeans, slicked back hair and gold chains. Invite him for a COVID-style dinner (quickly, before the weather turns) and simply...have a talk. Your role isn’t to tell him what to do, so let’s take that off the table. It’s simply to present your concerns in a loving way, much like you did in your email to The Navidaters. Perhaps a conversation will ensue. He may or may not be open to this discussion. But if you approach him with love and concern and your intentions are clear, you will have been very good friends.

Having said that we can’t figure out Dovid’s intentions in my first paragraph, I would like to offer the following food for thought. Dovid does not fit within any box, currently. He is living his life in a way that feel good to him. I have worked with many people in my career and have met people similar to Dovid, based on what you have described. Oftentimes, people with very frum hearts and modern appearance/punk/rock/

In the science of retail marketing, packaging is as important as the actual product.

ous soul searching and self-reflection will enable him to look within himself and answer the questions and clarify the contradictions that he displays. Hopefully that will put him on the path towards greater clarity and ultimately marriage.

As always, all feedback, thoughts, and ideas are welcome: renafriedman2@gmail.com.

grunge – you name it – are looking for another person who also does not fit the mold. They are often artists, writers, throbbing spirits who simply can’t conform to what they truly believe is silly/lacking meaning/deeply unimportant and not the essence of what Hashem cares about. They are often looking for a similar soul. And very often, that similar soul is indeed out there.

I don’t have any answers and don’t know what Dovid’s futures holds. And the question boils down to: If Dovid changes externally, will he meet his bashert, or if Dovid remains true to himself, will he meet his bashert? We simply don’t know the answer to this. Nonetheless, it is for Dovid to decide. And it is for you, as his dear friends, to have that warm, open and honest conversation expressing your concerns and regardless of what he decides, continuing to support him. (And bringing it up every now and then if he continues as is without any success.) Sincerely, Jennifer Mann, LCSW

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.

Dr. Deb

Should We Feel Terrible on Yom Kippur?

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

The sim card was supposed to have arrived in one of the Amazon boxes. Except I didn’t know it was coming, didn’t see it when I opened the box, didn’t look for it, and therefore didn’t do my “job” of bringing it to Eretz Yisroel.

I’m usually a super careful person – and a good packer. So the fact that I lost the sim card was out of character and bothered me a lot. The first night I was here, I fell asleep feeling terrible about my “negligence.” The next morning, still feeling terrible, I started to daven in the hopes that I would feel better.

Davening is a time when lots of helpful thoughts will come to me even though I should be concentrating on the tefillah. But perhaps the tefillah is responsible for them coming. As I was davening, I wondered why this happened and the answer was clear: To show me how clients of mine feel over their mistakes.

We all make them.

And some of the people I work with believe that they’ve made way too many of them and also feel terrible. Their mistakes, to them, are so huge that they can’t lift themselves out from under them and their burden is so great they feel as badly as if they’d committed murder.

Now that’s a pretty heavy comparison. But I think that’s how many people feel. They believe their mistakes are that bad. Or even if they know their mistakes aren’t that bad, they still feel as bad as if their mistakes were that bad.

I can imagine that’s how it is because that’s exactly how badly I was feeling myself over the lost sim card. Like I was the lowest of the low, a murderer. And I proceeded to imagine myself chopping up someone because I was, after all, an axe murderer.

The image lightened me up. I knew with my head and with my heart that I would run to save someone who was being hurt. I could never hurt them. The comparison was ridiculous, which effectively rid me of the bad feeling that I was this awful person for losing a sim card.

I was totally lightened by the ridiculousness of the thought and wanted to share this with you so that if you ever feel ashamed, guilty, or just plain wrong for some “awful” thing you’ve done you can go ahead and spend a minute imagining yourself being the axe murderer that you feel as if you were. Because you will immediately know that you’re not, and you will feel clearly that your self-flagellation is misplaced.

Who, then, are you?

You’re a person. And people make mistakes. There is no problem there. Mistakes sometimes are useful because we can learn something from them. So why did I make the mistake? It seems to me it was a gift so I could go through that exercise in my head, feel better, and then write it up for you to use.

There’s no reason – ever – to feel “terrible, awful” about your mistake. They’re there for a reason. Either so that we learn something from the mistake itself or from the cure we discover for the mistake. As a bonus, it either helps us or it helps someone else or both.

I used to dread Yom Kippur be

Their mistakes, to them, are so huge that they can’t lift themselves out from under them.

cause I already felt guilty nearly all the time. I just wasn’t perfect enough. I knew I was supposed to be perfect, and I fell short. But now I’m old enough to know that that is plumb wrong.

There is a world of difference between aiming for perfection and chastising yourself for not getting there. We should always try to be better and do better.

But at the same time, “Lo alecha hamelacha ligmor,” (you are not required to complete the task) and that “task” certainly includes working on ourselves to be better.

Furthermore, for the opposite of people who beat themselves up, for people who are too complacent, it’s never a good idea to say, “That’s the way I am!” and thereby avoid doing work on oneself because that same mishnah in Pirkei Avos also concludes with, “V’lo ata ben horin l’hibateil mimena” (and you’re not free to make it unimportant).

Every Erev Shabbos, I would manage to forget something important and I would spend half of Shabbos beating myself up over it. Then, one time, as I was lighting the candles and I realized I forgot to leave a light on in the bathroom, or maybe that time I remembered I’d left soup to warm in the microwave and now I couldn’t get it out because the light would go on, or perhaps I forgot to be sure the timer was set correctly for the blech and now the food would be cold, I suddenly said to myself, “No one is perfect. Only G-d is perfect.”

That is a true statement. And very comforting.

It’s good to use it if you fall into the first category of person in the mishnah in Pirkei Avos, but not if you are in the second category because for that person it’s just an excuse for not trying.

Some people could benefit from a little bit of self-flagellation. Yom Kippur was tailor-made for them.

Everyone else, just start by noticing how much you beat yourself up. Use Yom Kippur to feel better, not worse, about yourself.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.