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SEPTEMBER 24, 2020 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
do. A chassid wearing a cowboy hat is a person whose inside and outside do not match up. If he was truly a chassid for what that fully means then he would not be wearing a cowboy hat, and if he was a cowboy for what that truly means then he would be not a chassid. It’s an impossible contradiction. Similarly, Dovid’s inside and outside are acting as opposing forces instead of in harmony. It’s one thing if he identified with a certain hashkafa on the inside and on the outside chose to wear colored shirts or khakis; however, he is choosing to dress in a manner that is not even accepted as you move
into more modern circles. His clothing is making a major statement, one that he is going to have to live with consequences of. The big question is why? Part of the process of getting married includes self-awareness and introspection. Hashem has a plan, and if someone is not married then it is because Hashem does not want them to be right now. However, that individual still has an achrayus to look deep within himself and reflect upon the parts of himself that could use some work. Everyone has something that they can and should work on. Have you ever asked him why he
Pulling It All Together
In the science of retail marketing, packaging is as important as the actual product.
thinks “most modern girls will easily go out with him and most machmir girls don’t give him a yes”? I wonder what his answer would be. If he openly discusses his dating with you and comes to you for advice, then I would strongly encourage asking him open-ended questions that allow him to reflect on his past dating experiences and draw his own conclusions. Avoid offering unsolicited advice. No one likes that. Additionally, you could reach out to his rav or mentor to express your concerns as his friend. The bottom line is this: Dovid needs to acquire the emotional skills to be self-aware. This will not only serve him in his dating but will help him be a better husband, father, son, and friend. Being able to do some seri-
ous soul searching and self-reflection will enable him to look within himself and answer the questions and clarify the contradictions that he displays. Hopefully that will put him on the path towards greater clarity and ultimately marriage. As always, all feedback, thoughts, and ideas are welcome: renafriedman2@gmail.com.
of his ripped jeans, slicked back hair and gold chains. Invite him for a COV ID-style dinner (quickly, before the weather turns) and simply...have a talk. Your role isn’t to tell him what to do, so let’s take that off the table. It’s simply to present your concerns in a loving way, much like you did in your email to The Navidaters. Perhaps a conversation will ensue. He may or may not be open to this discussion. But if you approach him with love and concern and your intentions are clear, you will have been very good friends. Having said that we can’t figure out Dovid’s intentions in my first paragraph, I would like to offer the following food for thought. Dovid does not fit within any box, currently. He is living his life in a way that feel good to him. I have worked with many people in my career and have met people similar to Dovid, based on what you have described. Oftentimes, people with very frum hearts and modern appearance/punk/rock/
grunge – you name it – are looking for another person who also does not fit the mold. They are often artists, writers, throbbing spirits who simply can’t conform to what they truly believe is silly/lacking meaning/deeply unimportant and not the essence of what Hashem cares about. They are often looking for a similar soul. And very often, that similar soul is indeed out there. I don’t have any answers and don’t know what Dovid’s futures holds. And the question boils down to: If Dovid changes externally, will he meet his bashert, or if Dovid remains true to himself, will he meet his bashert? We simply don’t know the answer to this. Nonetheless, it is for Dovid to decide. And it is for you, as his dear friends, to have that warm, open and honest conversation expressing your concerns and regardless of what he decides, continuing to support him. (And bringing it up every now and then if he continues as is without any success.) Sincerely, Jennifer Mann, LCSW
The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
T
hank you for writing in! What wonderful friends you are. Being a friend isn’t always easy. Sometimes we have to have uncomfortable conversations in which we hold up a mirror that will reflect something painful or simply unwelcome to our friend. I can certainly understand why you want to speak with “Dovid” (thank you, Rena!) about this perceived “mismatch” between his insides and his outer appearance. We can try to figure out Dovid’s desires and motivations until the cows come home but without speaking with him, we truly have no way of knowing what is in his heart when it comes to his garb and self-expression. The out-of-the-box, I-detest-social-norms, the-most-importantpart-of-a-person-is-the-soul part of me deeply resonates with someone like Dovid. We can certainly see how outer appearances can be limit-
ing socially and within relationships. However, they are also a mainstay in society that helps people identify with a culture. And we are cognitive beings with brain “folders.” We naturally sort people, places and things and divide them into “files”: Man, woman. Good, bad. Safety, danger. Yeshivish/Modern Orthodox. Whether right or wrong, no one can deny the reality of the way of our brains work. Has it gone too far within Orthodoxy? That’s another column, entirely! And so...here you are, writing into this column because you›d like some input on what your role is with your good buddy, Dovid. You want to see him happily married and you believe that his outer appearance is getting in the way of him meeting the woman of his dreams, who may not give him a second glance because
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
