Mussar expert spells out 4 musts for personal growth

By Carl Zebrowski Editor

“The fact that God brought you into this world is proof that you were needed.” That was how Ruchi Koval opened her talk to the Jewish Federation of the Lehigh Valley’s Women’s Philanthropy division about applying concepts of mussar, the ancient Jewish tradition of self-cultivation, to one’s life.

If you weren’t needed, the cofounder and associate director of Congregation JFX (Jewish Family Experience) in Cleveland told the audience, “there would have been no purpose for you to be created.” That leads each person to the question, “What is my unique purpose in this world?”

Koval based her presentation at the Chai Club ($180 level and up) dinner event, “Becoming the Best Version of Yourself,” on parts of her 2021 book “Soul Construction: Shape Your Character Using 8 Steps from the Timeless Jewish Practice of Mussar,” which itself is rooted in her two decades as a Jewish educator and leader of self-development groups. She listed four elements of effective self-improvement for the audience: self-awareness, practice, friends and mentor.

“Self-awareness precedes everything,” she said. And you may not have it. “If you don’t have it,” she explained, “you don’t know that you don’t have it.” In that case, you’d need to rely on the insight of someone you trust. Of course that’s hard to do. “In real life,” she said, “we rarely solicit feedback. It’s too scary.”

Practice comes next, the thing you do when no one else is around. “It’s low stakes,” she said. “Practice your skills when the stakes are low so you’ll know what to do when the stakes are high. The mistake most of us make is we think the small moments don’t matter. The big deal is those are the practice.”

Friends are also critical. “It’s something the Torah talks about many times,” Koval said. She went on to explain that we choose friends “because they have value” and that we need to put in the time and effort to make sure we choose good ones. “When you’re going to invest in a significant purchase,” she continued, “you spend time thinking about it and researching it and making sure it’s the right fit for you. What the Torah is teaching us is that we should do the same thing with friends.”

Loyal and helpful friends are a good investment in life.

“If you have a person in your life who does you a big favor and makes you feel like you did them a big favor by letting them do you a favor,”