What Did I Fail In My First Marriage That You Could Learn From? digitalbloggers.com /communications/whatyoucouldlearnfrom Oct 12, 2016 48 views Written by JIE ZHENG
Author JIE ZHENG
Articles written: 4 Joined: 01 October 2016 Niche: Communications Internet and Businesses Online Self Improvement
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Oct.10th (40 min.) and 11th (20 min.), listened to a video about “Simon Sinek on How to Get People to Follow You Inside Quest”. I almost like him. I would fall in love in someone like that. He talked about “why you love your wife?” It is not a specific day that you fall in love with someone. It is by accumulation. It is the moments that you go through. I cried and cried and cried. I thought I do those things, I do not know how many people can do this every single day, but I can and I will. He talked about my language. I care about every day. Communication is so important in any relationship.
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I failed in communication with my ex. I thought I was a wonderful wife. I worked, made money, provided the family, did housework, and cooked almost every day, sat there in the same home. Many times, I did not want to go out by myself to have fun with friends, because he did not want to go. I did not want him to feel that I neglected him. (Note: we lived in China for about 8 years after married.) I made sure to either go home early or bring something with me. Even my parents thought of him. When we had a family get together, he many times did not go. My parents always got some food out from the plates first, put into separate containers for him. My mother always taught me, "Give someone what you like the most". (My grandmother taught that to her). I thought I devoted a lot. He should be happy and content that he had a loving wife. He knew that. While one day after he drunk, he told me that he did not care about the dinner. That was in China. Then one day in front of the counselor in Columbia, after I told the counselor I felt lonely for years, he cried and said he felt lonely too. Every day during the first marriage, I always knew I was a wife. I went to work. I made sure to stop when it was about afternoon traffic. It took me one hour by bus to go home. I tried to avoid the traffic or many people in the bus. (You probably cannot imagine commuting in a crowded bus unless you experienced that in China or somewhere similar). I worked for myself since 2007 and I could work at night. So it really did not matter what time I chose to go home or if I chose to stay home to work. The reason I chose to go home (usually I left office before 5pm) was because of him, I wanted to cook dinner for him. I wanted him to feel that I cared about him every day. He liked my cooking, but he did not care about the food I made. He did not think that was love. Do you see the misunderstanding and gap here? I thought that was a way of love, but he did not think so. I worked at night, he was in another room. I had no idea what he was doing. I did not understand him. I did not understand why he could stay at home for years and not want to work for our family. How could someone not fight for me if he really loves me? I did not bother him. I did not even force him to do things. I am not that type of wife. I did not have "honey to do list", which I just heard of less than 2 months ago. He was always there in front of the computer. He seemed busy. He thought a lot and he slept poorly. For a few years, I did not want to bother because he always drank. It went worse. I was scared of bothering or talking with him. He was another man after he drank. Anyway, I thought that I did not disturb him was for his goodness, to give him space and freedom. What did I do then? I worked. Meanwhile, I kept the chatting window open with my mother, wasting time chatting in most cases, just the moji. I read online news, entertainment news. I laughed. I forgot what I had to deal with when I was in other people's world. Sometimes I watched movies. I was sick and tired of wasting time. What did he think? He thought I was workaholic. He thought I only chatted with my mother. I only giggled with my mother. That was not true. I did care about him. I did want his attention. Who does not desire affection from her husband? When he was sober, I liked to constantly check on him, maybe just asked for a kiss or a hug.
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I did not have awareness in those years. I knew something was wrong and it went worse till we both could not go back to that relationship. I would say I failed in communication. I thought I did this, did that, he could see it, feel it. I forgot that he was not something in me. How could he read my mind if I did not tell him how I felt? I never met anyone that could have that much anger in him. I did not understand why he always thought and could not get passed by the history. (He had an abusive father.) I did not understand why he could not focus on now: he had me, I am not average as a wife. I would marry someone like me, if I were a man. I did not know what to do with him. Still, I did not choose a good communication.
While I thought everyone had up and down. I tried to remember how we started and tried to tell myself, maybe if I was hanging there longer, things would turn around. I was very lonely while I chose to be loyal every day. I did not give up on him for 10 years. I accumulated those negative feelings. I felt shameful about that marriage. I carried responsibility by myself. I suffered. I did not reach out. I only knew to work and in the work, I forgot about the real world, special problems in my own marriage. I thought I knew the balance between the digital world and my family. Knowing the balance was not my issue; my issue was I failed in communication for years, actually, not just with my ex, but also with any relationship while I was in China.
What I like is even we do our own thing, we still remember each other. I mean, when I love someone, he is cast in my heart every day no matter what I do, wherever I go, he will always have my heart. We give each other attention. When we have a break, we give each other a kiss, a hug. Talk with each other for a few minutes. Pay attention to each other. Make sure we know we care about each other. If we cannot see each other during the day, call or text each other a few times, let each other know we love each other. For example, if I take a break and he is at home, I would ask him about his day, I would ask him, “Do you need anything to eat or drink?” I would bring me something and also bring him something. Just those little things and moments, do you understand? Of course, when we do those things, make sure we put the phone away, unless the call is extremely important, then I would say, “Excuse me, I need to answer this call and I will be back soon.” I will do exactly the same. I will not always answer the call, because I do not want him to think, she always answers the call when she talks with me. That is rude. I am not doing anything I personally do not like. Yes, this is a booming technology world, while the more important thing is about the balance. No matter how advanced the technology is, they should not get in the way about communication with our family. We are human beings. We need attention, appreciation and affection. I hope you have a great relationship with your family and someone you love! Remember, communication is the most important one to cultivate your relationship.
If you like this blog, please show the love and share it on social media with your friends! Jie Zheng Oct. 12, 2016 At Columbia, SC
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