BRACE YOURSELF FOR SOME PESSIMIST STORIES TWO YEARS IN THE MAKING. DARN YOU COVID-19. ACUOPTIMIST.COM | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | 1
RILEY FISHER | SCHUBERT’S NO. 1 FAN
Dr. Schubert stares at the COVID-19 virus with the intent to kill on sight. Truly nothing can stop this man from accomplishing his task.
Schubert cures COVID-19 by saying, “Hey Wildcats” BY A LONGHORN FAN... PAIN. EXECUTIVE FANBOY
Dr. Phil Schubert, the president of the university, said in a campus-wide email that he’s been informed COVID-19 is no match to his own words. “Hey Wildcats. I just wanted to let our incredible faculty, staff and students know that I’ve been working behind the scenes to
keep the coronavirus away from as many as people as possible on our campus this semester,” Schubert said. “This virus has impacted so many people across the world, but I’ll make sure I do my part to keep everyone safe.” In completely reliable information obtained by the Optimist, Schubert has been quoted saying, “Hey Wildcats” 1,968 times in
the past three months by the local community. Schubert said that every time he would say “Hey Wildcats”, active cases would drop at ACU. “I know it sounds a bit crazy, but that’s exactly the kind of crazy we need on campus,” Schubert said. “Just know that we’ll be taking the fight to the virus now.” The virus was last spotted
leaving the university and headed towards the Siggie Social afterparty. “The new vaccines and so much social distancing has made things difficult for us. Then Schubert became another problem for us,” the virus said. “I’m just glad we got a chance to catch up with some students off campus.” The university estimates that Schubert has saved
countless lives by his numerous emails to campus that start with “Hey Wildcats” every single time. Schubert said that he wanted to deliver a statement to the ACU community about where the university will be headed going forward. “Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats.”
Adams Center ‘Mingles’ LMS with with singles service BY HAL HOOTS ASSISTANT EDITOR OF GOSSIP
ACU has a long tradition experts at the Adams Center for Teaching Excellence, which manages the university’s teaching and learning software, have made an important technological breakthrough designed to improve the student experience. They have successfully integrated Canvas, the university’s learning
management system, with online dating system Christian Mingle. Dr. Berlin Fang, director of instructional design, said Canvas has long integrated external websites like Google Docs and YouTube, but the Christian Mingle was a more significant challenge. “You can talk all day about learning outcomes and assessment measures,” Fang said. “But what about Ring by Spring? Now we can
do both!” Christian Mingle will be an available selection under “Inbox” on the Canvas dashboard, allowing students to access potential dates easily. In addition, Fang said a new built-in algorithm will select ideal dates for students based on major, diligence turning in assignments and courseload. Fang said the software with throttle those suggestions for students who are struggling in
their classes. “If a student has below a 65 in any class, they won’t be able to access the dating site,” Fang said. “It’s Canvas’ way of saying, ‘You need to hit the books.’” Jasmine Carson, a junior nursing major from Lamesa, said she welcomed the addition of Christian Mingle to Canvas. “I’ve been doing so many of my classes online since the pandemic started already, this is
going to be so convenient,” Carson said. “The best thing I’ve heard about it is the feature that allows you use Canvas to date by Zoom.” Fang said the integration, which allows students to quickly switch from turning in homework and reading assignments to finding available dating partners required significant coding. He said he turned for collaboration to his
counterparts at other Texas universities who have been pursuing similar projects with Canvas. “The most helpful were the folks at Texas State,” Fang said. “Of course, they were connecting to Tinder.”fact that we were able to do a short film at all was a blessing. It is possible to maintain a normal life in COVID, and that’s the biggest thing I’ll take from this process.”
Joe Golding confirms he will star on Dancing with the Stars BY #1 FAN OF JOE ACTUALLY IT’S PAUL
Instead of dancing in March Madness, the Wildcats are now dancing with the stars. Head basketball coach Joe Golding has confirmed that he will participate in this season of “Dancing with the Stars” after multiple videos of him dancing with the team went viral online. “I figured since I was dancing with the guys, might as well put me on ‘Dancing with the Stars,’” Golding said, “So I talked to Wendy Kilmer to see if it was possible, and she said she could make it happen. So she got in touch with ABC, and before I knew it, I got a call from Tom Bergeron saying to pack my bags for Los Angeles.” Joe Golding joins a star-studded cast including Jennifer Lopez, Shakira and Ryan Reynolds. There have also been unconfirmed reports that University of Texas alumnus Matthew McCo-
COURTESY OF WE’VE ALL ALREADY SEEN THIS VIDEO
Joe Golding dancing on the advertisment for Dancing with the Stars. Watch out Shakira, his hips don’t lie and he’s ready to tear it up on the dance floor. naughey might join in order to enact revenge over ACU’s win over the Longhorns during March. One member of the ACU community who is thrilled about Golding’s dancing break is Dr. Phil Schubert,
president of the university. “I’m so excited to see the marketing opportunities from Joe going on ‘Dancing with the Stars,’” Schubert said. “We are expecting a higher marking value than March Madness, so that’s exciting for the
university as a whole.” When Golding’s appearance was confirmed, ACU’s Student Government Association already started planning a watch party at Wildcat Stadium. One that, according to
SGA president Daniel Sherman, will be just as successful as previous watch parties. “We hope that all students will come out to support Coach Golding as he pursues this one-of-a-kind opportunity,” Sherman said. “SGA has been filled with excitement ever since the announcement was made, so we are looking forward to celebrating his accomplishment, and might even give away some Airpods.” Though the show is not scheduled to air for a little while, Golding is looking forward to making his players proud. “I’m pretty stoked about this, I’m not gonna lie,” Golding said. “My players taught me everything that I know, so I hope I can make them proud while on the show.” To follow Joe Golding’s journey on “Dancing with the Stars,” you can follow ACU Sports’, the men’s basketball teams’ and ABC’s Twitter.
NEWS
University mandate requires post vaccination selfies
PAGE 2
SPORTS
Coach Goodenough to change name to Greatenough PAGE 5
SPORTS
ACU drops football, focus on basketball
PAGES 5
FOLLOW US... OR DON’T. IT’S FINE :(
@acuoptimist The Optimist @acuoptimist
2 Thursday, APRIL 1, 2020 | NEWS
Vaccine selfies to be required by university groups BY SOMEONE MICROCHIPPED YES ACTUALLY MICROCHIPPED
Universities and workspaces across the United States have begun denying enrollment and employment if an applicant does not have a vaccine selfie posted to any social media profiles connected to the applicant. The first Abilene institutions that have taken to this include Hendrick Medical Center, ACU Democrats, the music department and Guitars & Cadillacs. With “I Got My COVID-19 Vaccine!” stickers being thrown away in numerous trashcans, these institutions were left to find an alternative to
track who is vaccinated and who is unclean. When asked if this was an invasion of HIPAA regulations, all ACU Democrats hissed like snakes in unison. Some on campus have come forward against the requirement, fearing that similar sanctions will be made across the entirety of the university, mirroring actions taken by the University of North Texas and the University of Texas at Austin. Jake “Hulk” Hogan, freshman political science major from America and obvious conservative, said that he didn’t know he was living in communist China now.
“They think they can take away my rights and insert themselves into my personal life?” Hogan said. “What’s next, am I supposed to post a selfie before I enroll next semester? I didn’t know ACU stood for Abilene Communist University. If that happens, I’m transferring to Tarleton.” The vaccine selfie originated from medical and government officials posting with their band-aids and stickers when rounds of the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines were made available in limited quantities. Figures whose selfies have gone viral include Dolly Parton, Vera Wang and
President Joe Biden who captioned his post: “I just got... just got...where am I? Oh yeah, President Tru- wait, this isn’t the debate. Jill, take my phone from me.” Those in support of the actions taken by these groups have shown that they believe everyone is safer when they know who is vaccinated. Sally Ruth, junior nursing major from Austin, said that this is the most secure she has felt since the initial lockdowns. “Knowing that the vaccine is being made available more and more just makes me feel safe,” Ruth said. “However, I’ve taken to
PHOTO COURTESY OF SOMEONE ELSE MICROCHIPPED
Someone getting a vaccine before they take their university mandated selfie. We’re honestly not sure what HIPPA is at this point. stalking my friends’ InsSure, I’ve blacklisted tagram accounts to make 80-percent of my friends, sure that they are ‘doing but how else are we suptheir part’ to post a vac- posed to keep each other cine selfie. accountable?”
ACE Sushi to be replaced by ice cream shop, Schubert’s Sherbets BY ICE CREAM ENTHUSIAST GETTING THE FRESHMAN 15
The Campus Center announced starting in the fall, ACE Sushi will be replaced by a new ice cream shop called Schubert’s Sherbets. Schubert’s Sherbets, named after University President Dr. Phil Schubert, plans on serving ice cream, milkshakes and you guessed it, sherbet. The new shop is expected to bring in more students to the Campus Center and hopefully help admissions. In addition to the advantages the new shop would bring, it is also apparently is a life-long dream of Schubert’s. “I’ve always loved the idea of owning an ice cream shop in my name,” Schubert said. “My life took me on a different path that led me to working here at ACU so when the opportunity arose to
bring in this new business I jumped at it. What’s cooler than getting to work in a place where all of your life’s dreams can come true?” Students are excited about the ability to get ice cream outside of the Bean but some are concerned the ‘Freshman 15’ may be even harder to avoid now. “I was already concerned about needing to buy new jeans when I found out I would get Chick-Fil-A for basically free with Bean Bucks and now they’re adding in an ice cream place,” freshman Carley House said. “I might as well give in to the Freshman 15. It supports the school, what harm could it do to eat there?” ACE Sushi is expected to be phased out during the end of this semester and construction on Schubert’s Sherbets will begin in late May. It is expected to open during the first week of classes in the fall.
COURTESY OF CAMPUS CENTER MARKETING TEAM
President Schubert is proudly displayed on the new sign concept for the ice cream shop coming to campus next fall. Sorry, we had to include some Comic Sans.
POLICE LOG SELECTED ACUPD CALLS FOR THE WEEK: •
ACUPD responded to a noise complaint outside of Dillard. Turns out it was just swarm of birds so they left. 3/30/2021 7:00 a.m.
•
Students reported another chalking incident on campus. ACUPD responded by writing back telling them to stop. An investigation is still pending. 3/31/2021 10:00 a.m.
•
Students report lack of espresso at the campus Starbucks. ACUPD was too busy at Dunkin to respond. 3/31/2021 8:30 a.m.
911 Call 1 Administrative activity ???? Advice Transfer Alcohol incident Ask Galaxy Animal call 0 Assists Clay Gayman Barricades Viva La France Boot/Unboot vehicle 2 Building lock/unlock 6 Fritter car patrol Snuggles Check building 285 Chick-Fil-a spicy chicken biscuits served 0 Chapel Credits Gained None Criminal mischief 1 Days GATA Fountain is off A lot
Direct traffic 0 Disturbance 3 DT’s walking on grass 0 Days since we’ve heard scoreboard 404 Frats in the Bean Tyler Sanchez Found property 1 Hit & run 0 Joe Pleasent Sorry UT Intoxicated person Lincoln Street Investigation follow-up 16 Lost Property 6 Mask Littering 12657 Microchips Implanted 192 Medical emergency 4 Missing person 0
Masks worn properly A few Motorist assist: inflate tire. 0 Mens frats in Sing Song 2 Motorist assist: other 1 Motorist assist: unlock 1 Noise violation Siggie After-Party Other 18 Parking lot patrol 53 Parking violations Paul Hiepler People seen at Siggie Pavilion 0 Patrol vehicle: refuel 7 Pi Kappa’s odds at winning Sing Song 50/50 Random patrol 14 Report writing 12 Sing Song Acts Maybe 10
Students who are really paying attention on Zoom 0 Stolen Vehicle 0 Suspicious person 7 Sub-T They’re back... again Traffic hazard 2 Traffic stop 4 Training 0 University of Texas fans Sad Vehicle collision 2 Welfare check 6 Total
Do people read this?
*List of selected statistics of this week’s ACUPD activity report.
MESSAGE FROM POLICE CHIEF:
“ACU beat UT. That’s it, that’s the message. We’ve peaked.”
THE OPTIMIST STAFF OWEN WILSON
INDIANA JONES
DAVID GOLIATH
WRONG OWEN, THIS GUYS AN
BETTER THAN STAR WARS CHANGE
WE GO TO A CHIRSTIAN SCHOOL SO
ACTOR
MY MIND
THIS IS KIND OF FUNNY
DILLY DILLY
EMILY DICKINSON
RYLAND GOSLING
LIKE THE COMMERICAL
TECHNICALLY A WRITER SO THIS
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE
WORKS
VERY FAMOUS RYAN GOSLING
WRONG SYDNEY, THIS IS AN
TREY
MEGHAN SHORT
AUSTRAILIAN POLITICIAN
HAS A BASKETBALL GAME
SHES 5’3 SO THIS MAKES SENSE
SYDNEY EINFELD
T- MILLY
TOMORROW
HAL HOOTS
arts@acuoptimist.com DOES ANYONE USE THIS EMAIL?
kacu@acuoptimist.com
Unsigned editorials are the opinions of the Optimist and may not necessarinews@optimist.com ly reflect the views of the NEWS IS NEWS NOT OPINION PLEASE university or its adminisLEARN THE DIFFERENCE tration. Signed columns, cartoons opinion@acuoptimist.com and letter are the opinions THE ONE YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET MAD AT of their creators and may not necessarily reflect the viewoptimist@acuoptimist.com points of the Optimist or the SELF EXPLANATORY university. The Optimist encourages photo@acuotpimist.com reader response through letIN CASE YOU NEED THAT GOOD PIC OF WE HAVE A RADIO STATION?
SPORTS ENTHUSIAST AND RHYMES
CARRIE UNDERWOOD
WITH DILLY DILLY
WILL KEY YOUR CAR IF PROVOKED
R. FISHY
JACKSON AVERY
STAR OF FINDING NEMO
LIKE FROM GREYS ANATOMY
MOVIE FAN AND QUENTIN TARANTINO’S LONG LOST BROTHER
ALYSSA MCKAY
JALEN HURTS
CELINE DION
YOU FOR YOUR INSTA
DEFINENTLY A TIK TOKER, I DONT
A PRETTY FAMOUS FOOTBALL
KNOW HOW HER NAME GOT HERE
PLAYER
ICONIC. DOES THIS EVEN NEED AN EXPLANATION?
sports@acuoptimist.com
EMILY IN PARIS
MADI JORDAN
WAIT, THATS A BAD NETFLIX SHOW
ENJOYS SPORTS AND ALSO A
video@optimist.com
BASKETBALL PLAYER
FUN FACT: WE HAVE A YOUTUBE
HEAD GOSSIP COLUMNIST
CADE TARANTINO
EDITORIAL & LETTER POLICY
PEITITONS TO GET RID OF FOOTBALL HERE (WE’RE A BASKETBALL SCHOOL)
ters to the editor but reserves the right to limit frequent contributors or to refuse to print letters containing personal attacks, obscenity, defamation, erroneous information or invasive privacy. Please limit letters to 350 words or fewer. A name and phone number must be included for verificationpurposes. Phone numbers will not be published.
TO SEND LETTER TO EDITOR ACU BOX 27892 ABILENE, TX, 79609
ADDRESS DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO MAIL LETTERS ANYMORE?
EDITOR@ACUOPTIMIST.COM EMAIL WE’LL TRY TO ANSWER MAYBE, SOMETIMES, NOT ALWAYS, PROBABLY NEVER.
NEWS | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | 3
BY CIA-GRADE VIDEO BABY MONITOR
Totally real image of a Russian Hacker taking the time out of his day to produce controversial content to land a West Texas college news publication in hot water.
Optimist finds controversial columns written by Russian bots BY RUSSIAN BOT JUST KIDDING...UNLESS
The Optimist has recently discovered an infiltration after uncovering multiple highly contested articles on their website. After some investigation, staff realized that Russian bots have been writing political columns that have been
offensive to many readers across campus. Staff is currently working to find out how the bots were able to write and post on the site but say they are not planning to take any of the articles down. “Even bots can have their own opinions,” said Editor-in-Chief Owen Simpson. “Besides, it’s not
news. We would hope our readers could understand the difference.” In addition to identifying the source of the hack, the staff is also working on piecing together why Russian bots decided to infiltrate The Optimist’s website in the first place. “Since everything they’ve posted has been pretty
political, we figure they just needed somewhere to go after they didn’t have much work left to do in the White House,” said photographer Meghan Long. “I guess they didn’t do too much harm other than prompting some nasty Instagram comments.” Staff hopes that the bots will move on to a differ-
ent source, potentially an election of some kind, where they would have more content to work with. Not a lot happens in Abilene and eventually, they’ll just be releasing the same columns over and over again. “There’s only so much a bot can say about mask mandates, social clubs and
election results,” Long said. The staff hopes that readers will now be aware of the situation but also realize, it is just an opinion. The columns really aren’t hurting anybody but if posting the website on your instagram really won’t do anything. Honestly thank you for the free publicity.
Fritter rescued by ACUPD after car accident near Lunsford Trail BY A FRITTER SUPERFAN SOMEONE HELP...I HAVE AN OBSESSION
Around 5:30 p.m on Monday, ACUPD was called to an accident reported among the Lunsford Trail. Whenever they responded to the call, the officers were shocked to see one of their own was involved in the accident. K-9 Fritter, who has been a member of the ACU Police Department since 2019, was found inside her car while the front end of the patrol car was submerged in Faubus Lake. Dr. Steven Moore, the director of the McNair Scholars Program and professor in the department of language and literature, called in the accident after witnessing it firsthand. “I was walking the Lunsford, and I saw Frit-
ter’s car just ahead of me,” Moore said. “Then, before I knew it, the car started to gain speed and swerved all along the sidewalk. That happened for about 30 seconds, then the car made a beeline towards the lake and only stopped when it hit the water. It was a sight to see.” After arriving at the scene, the officers were about to fish the patrol car out of the water. Upon inspection of the car, everything functioned normally, and nothing was wrong mechanically before the car filled up with water. According to ACUPD Sergeant Sheila Barton, the accident was caused by user error since Fritter was driving her patrol car by herself, without any knowledge of how to drive. “I don’t know what Fritter was thinking when
she decided to go on this drive,” Barton said. “She has not had the training it requires to drive our patrol cars, so whatever thing that made her desire to drive a patrol car had to be a strong one.” Fortunately, there were no injuries due to the accident, including K-9 Fritter herself. She expressed gratefulness for ACUPD and to Dr. Moore for being proactive in helping her. “Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark,” Fritter said. “Howl, bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark, ruff ruff ruff, bark howl bark howl. Bark bark bark bark howl bark.” The exact cost of damage to the patrol car has not been disclosed, but Sergeant Barton claimed that Fritter will need to cover the costs of the damages.
BY THE ACU TMZ TEAM
Awww look how cute she is??? In her wittle car? And her powice goggles???
Psychology Department introduces Enneagram major BY A GIRL WHO SHOPS AT EARTHBOUND I’M A FOUR-WING-THREE
BY SOMEONE WHO SNUCK IN TO TAKE THE PICTURE
Dr. Richard Beck tells a student that if Psychology & Christianity is too intensive for them then they can take one of three new Enneagram courses offered by the university.
The Department of Psychology is adding a new major based on the Enneagram personality test. The Enneagram is a faith-based personality profile that has recently gained popularity among young adults. Students often enjoy trying to type their friends and family. Dr. Richard Beck, chair and professor of the department of psychology, helped develop the new degree plan. “We wanted to create a degree program that is trendy,” Beck said. “Psychology can be confusing, so studying the Enneagram is a valid alternative. It is easy to learn by listening to podcasts and following Enneagram accounts on Instagram.” Similar to psychology majors, Enneagram majors will take introductory psychology courses such as PSYC 120 - Introduction to Psychology, as well as PSYC 232 - Developmental Psychology.
Afterward, students can take major-specific classes. Additions to the course catalog include ENAG 380 - Introduction to Typology, ENAG 382 - Enneagram Meme Design and ENAG 451 - Enneagram for Influencers. “We want students to come out of this program with the skills and knowledge to accurately type anyone they come into contact with,” Beck said. “Successful graduates can create Enneagram memes or talk about the different personality types on YouTube.” Grant Parker, senior psychology major from Abilene, decided to stay an extra year to complete a double major in psychology and Enneagram. “I went straight to my adviser as soon as I heard about the Enneagram classes,” Parker said. “I have always been interested in personalities and making aesthetically pleasing Instagram posts, so this major is a perfect combination for me.” Classes will open for registration on April 31 with limited space at 10 students per course.
4 | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | NEWS
GSP, Galaxy exit Sing Song, citing ‘fraudulent voting’ BY A SORE LOSER REMEMBER THE ALAMO
The fraternities of Gamma Sigma Phi and Galaxy will not be participating in this year’s Sing Song in April, due to concerns of voting fraud from judges. Despite these claims, there has been no concrete evidence offered to support the claims from the two largest fraternities on campus. “It’s obviously going to be a rigged Sing Song this year, like always. Well, it’s not always rigged because sometimes we win,” the president of Galaxy said. “But any other time it’s rigged. We’ll probably just go party at NAPA during that weekend instead.” Critics believe both of the fraternities are simply “salty” from last year’s results when Frater Sodalis ended a 38-year drought to win the competition in 2020. “They’re obviously just scared to get blown away like last time,” the president
of Frater Sodalis said. “I mean, what did you expect? Galaxy wears the same thing every time, and the Gammas can’t sing.” The president of Gamma Sigma Phi said his fraternity wants to compete, but they already know they’re number one in God’s eyes. “That’s all that matters at the end of the day. We pride ourselves in being close with God, and he knows we’re the best at Sing Song too,” the president of GSP said. “Why bother having sinful judges tell us who’s the best when God is the ultimate judge?” With almost no competition, Frater Sodalis is excited to try and win back-to-back championships. “We definitely are trying to make up for our alumni not winning for so many years,” the president of Frater Sodalis said. “The good news is that we’re building a winning culture, and Galaxy and GSP made it that much easier for us.”
BY DAVID MITCHELL I TIRED OF TAKING SING SONG PICTURES
Men of Gamma Sigma Phi performing their act in Sing Song about the Alamo. Or at least we think it was about the Alamo. All we remember is the ‘Come and Take It’ part and when they lost to some magicians. No wonder they’re sore losers.
Hiepler accumulates over $20,000 of unpaid parking tickets BY PAUL’S HOUSEMATE BRO, WASH YOUR DISHES
Paul Hiepler, a member of the men’s basketball team and a senior political science major from Camarillo, California was charged over $20,000 in student parking tickets during the fall semester. Hiepler refused to purchase a parking pass and received a ticket most school days. “Yeah, I was just too lazy to grab a parking
pass at ACUPD,” Hiepler said. “Basketball and school kept me pretty busy, but it’s OK because my dad will pay for it.” ACUPD said Hiepler has single-handily covered their spring budget plans, due to his parking tickets. “We’re incredibly thankful to have students like Paul that refuse to purchase parking permits,” ACUPD said in a statement. “At this time, we might consid-
er waiving a portion of his tickets, but we really appreciate his refusal to purchase a permit.” Hiepler said he likes to park in faculty parking just to joke with his professors. “I always leave class and tell my professors ‘give me an A or else.’ They eventually learned why I’d say that,” Hiepler said. “It took some longer than others, but they all eventually come around.” Dr. Neal Coates, chair of the department of political
science, said he’s lost his parking spot from Hiepler on several occasions. “That guy is ruthless,” Coates said. “I’ve had him in my classes for the past three years, and every year, at some point in time, he cuts me off before I park. I have to give him all A’s, so he won’t drive me crazy.” Hiepler graduates this spring with a 4.0 GPA much to the dismay of ACUPD. “I’m not sure how we’re going to cover our
budget moving forward,” ACUPD said. “Hiepler has been an asset for us these past four years, and I’m not sure how we’re going to make up for it. We’ll just take it one day at a time.” Hiepler also said that he intends to declare for the NBA Draft to “stick it” to Texas after disrespecting the entire fanbase of Longhorn nation. He also conisdered it a possible way to pay for his parking tickets in
case his parents don’t bail him out. “They’ll never forget me, mark my words,” Hiepler said. “And just to make sure they don’t, I’ll declare for the NBA Draft. I may not get drafted, but they’ll see my name on that draft board.” Hiepler is expected to make an announcement in the “next few days” regarding whether he’ll fight to get his parking tickets reduced.
Gaffigan places college posts before thriving comedy gigs BY HAL HOOTS EDITOR OF SPILLING TEA
PHOTOS COURTESY OF GAFFIGAN’S MANAGMENT TEAM
Above: Gaffigan performs his most recent shtick: “Ever notice how faculty members never turn their syllabi in on time...?” Left: Gaffigan speaks to a recent meeting of the CAS faculty. Right: Dr. Brad Crisp (right) presents Gaffigan with the “Funniest COBA Faculty Member” Award for the 14th year running.
Stand-up comedian Jim Gaffigan said he will cut back on his historically busy touring schedule to focus on his twin roles at the university, associate dean in the College of Business Administration and associate dean in the College of Arts and Sciences. Gaffigan, the father of five children, is best known for several successful comedy specials and comic material that is often about fatherhood, laziness, food and routine observations about life. However, he said the touring schedule and the recent spate of Netflix specials have stretched his time. “I’ve found myself running from one meeting to another on campus and then fielding requests for interviews from the media and then installing drywall on one of the houses I’m flipping,” Gaffigan said. “When I realized half of the most recent CAS Academic Council meeting was me riffing on Hot Pockets, I
knew there was a problem.” Gaffigan said the ability to conduct meetings by Zoom has made his multiple careers more possible, but some faculty members argue he’s been overextended for some time. “We’ve all noticed it,” said Sarah Easter, assistant professor of management sciences. “I mean, I heard he did a 30 minute routine on the latest Department of Marketing and Management curriculum proposal during a college standup routine in Peoria. To be fair, what I saw was pretty funny – and family friendly. So there’s that.” The deans of both colleges said they support the move to reduce the Grammy-nominated entertainer’s comedy efforts and focus more on internal university bureaucracy. “What’s amazing is that he’s so good at both,” said CAS dean Dr. Greg Straughn. “It’s not common you find someone who can handle the minutiae of academic council meetings and tell a hilarious story about his wife’s cooking. But he’s
I’ve found myself running from one meeting to another on campus and then fielding requests for interviews from the media and then installing drywall on one of the houses I’m flipping
JIM GAFFIGAN COMEDIAN, ASSOCIATE DEAN IN THE COLLEGE OF BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION AND ASSOCIATE DEAN IN THE COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
great on stage dealing with hecklers – so there is some overlap.” Despite the decision, Gaffigan said he does not expect the cutback in touring to be permanent. “Oh, I’ll be back, no doubt about it,” Gaffigan said. “COBA’s planning a complete overhaul of its core curriculum. I think I could squeeze a whole payper-view special out of that alone.”
Heavenly Rest welcomes Campbellite ingress with new name BY HAL HOOTS XOXO GOSSIP GIRL
Leaders at the city’s largest Espiscopal church in Abilene said congregational plans to change its name to the Epsicopal Church of Christ of the Heavenly Rest. The move is in response to the number of faculty and staff members who now attend the congregation, said rector Rev. David Romanik. University policy requires faculty members to say they attend a Church of Christ or receive a Board of Trustees waiver, and Romanik said enough faculty members now attend Heavenly Rest that they felt comfortable making the change. “We have critical mass now,” he said. “I think the move is just recognizing what’s existed for some time.
Plus, it goes along with our motto, ‘Protestant, but Catholic.’” Romanik admitted he expected more challenges with all of the Church of Christ members attending Heavenly rest, but the hiccups have been rare. “We expected prolonged debates about baptism, Arminianism and penal substitutionary atonement,” he said. “Instead they’re just mostly pushing for more potlucks and a good orchestral version of 728B, whatever that means...” Romanik said he’s even added to his liturgical rhythms in recent months. “At the end of most services, I’ll say ‘Guide, guard and direct us,’ and the congregation will chant, ‘And keep us ‘til the next appointed time,’” he said. “It’s very calming.”
Amanda Fitzhugh, 87, has attended the congregation for 64 years and echoed the rector’s observations. “I was worried at first,” Fitzhugh said. “That they’d come in with a lot of pentecostal stuff, but it turns out the Church of Christ is almost as inanimate as the Episcopals. Sure, someone tries to raise a hand every now and then. But we slap it down pretty quickly.” Heavenly Rest isn’t the only congregation with an ACU contingency. David McQueen, pastor at Beltway Church, said his congregation was considering similar action when it received an influx of university faculty members secretly attending its nondenominational worship services a few years ago, but decided against it. “We were still paying the bills for taking ‘Baptist’ off
BY SOMEONE WHO GOES HERE
The new sign at the local congregation popped up over the past week. the sign,” McQueen said. “Then you have letterhead,
brochures, the ‘Stall Street Journal’ bulletins we post in
the bathrooms – the cost of those things all add up.”
SPORTS | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | 5
BY DAVID MITCHELL | HE TAKES ALL THE PICTURES APPARENTLY
Wildcat fans show up to a football game. We probably lost but I bet they gave away an IPad.
Department of Athletics closes football; focuses on basketball BY A SAD SPORTS WRITER #MAKEFOOTBALLGREATAGAIN
ACU announced a drastic move that football is no longer a sport for the Wildcats Wednesday. The move comes after a seven-year run in football at the Division I level. Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, claimed the
decision is for the betterment of the athletics department and university as a whole. “It’s just not a money-maker for us anymore,” Schubert said. “We’ve lost an immense amount of money, since moving football back to campus in 2017. We just aren’t any good.” Because of the move,
“It’s just not a money-maker for us anymore. We’ve lost an immense amount...” PHIL SCHUBERT PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY
the Department of Athletics turns their focus to a basketball program with aspirations of once again
making it to the NCAA Tournament. “We’re thrilled with this move because there’s nothing like March Madness,” Allen Ward, director of athletics, said. “We long for the nights of Southland Conference tournament championships like this year. With football out, we fully expect to be in the NCAA tourna-
ment every single year.” ACU is now one of the three schools in the Southland to not have a football program. New Orleans and Texas A&M Corpus Christi are the others. “It just makes a lot of sense for us financially and logistically,” Ward said. “If we continue to run our football program the
way that we are, we will lose millions.” The current football players were shocked at the news and are currently petitioning for ACU to revoke their decision. “It’s like SMU,” said Peyton Mansell junior transfer quarterback. “We got the death penalty without any NCAA violations.”
Goodenough changes name to Greatenough for new season BY JULIES #1 FAN SHE HONESTLY LIVES IN MY HEAD RENT FREE
The women’s basketball head coach changed her last name from Julie Goodenough to Greatenough this spring in an effort to help motivate her players on the court for next season. “I wasn’t sure how to motivate our players down the stretch. We were losing some close games last season, and they just didn’t have the energy I wanted to see,” Greatenough said. “I knew that fire would return when I made the change.” The Wildcats finished the season in the WBI
Tournament with a loss to Loyola Chicago. Junior guard Madi Miller said they’ll win more games next year. “Goodenough is cool and all, but we don’t settle for that anymore,” Miller said. “We want to be better than good. Now we always can recognize that in practice with a coach named Greatenough. That’s how you build a winning program.” Some fans are comparing the name change to that of Kobe Bryant when he changed his jersey number from 8 to 24. “Like Kobe, Goodenough has won a lot of championships,” a random Laker fan said.
“With a new last name, it’s almost as like she’s copying Kobe Bryant. He had to spread out his accolades on two jerseys. I guess Greatenough is trying to do the same thing,” Greatenough said she’s just focusing on one game at a time and not thinking too far ahead. “We had a great time in the Southland Conference and were successful in winning so many championships,” Greatenough said. “This move to the WAC is going to challenge us, but I know our women will be able to compete and win even more championships next season with my new name change.”
incident of the 2011 World Series, the players hardly took him seriously. “I am very excited to take this job,” Trout said. “I believe this program has some real opportunity, but they just never had the right coaches. I’m sorry, but you can’t learn from someone who choked
in the World Series twice, even worse being up 3-1.” The Wildcats have had a successful season so far going 12-6 overall, and they plan to keep the winning streak continuing with the help of Trout. “I am very excited to see what Mike can do to this
PHOTO BY DAVID | SERIOUSLY WHY DOES HE HAVE TO TAKE ALL THE PICTURES?
Coach Greatenough putting her hands in the air like she just don’t care.
New coach Trout shows ACU how to use a trash can properly BY STEPHEN A. SMITH YEAH, THE REAL ONE
ACU announced on Friday that professional baseball player Mike Trout will be the new stealing coach for baseball. Trout is replacing a position that was once filled by the Texas Rangers outfielder, Nelson Cruz, but after the
program,” Allen Ward, director of athletics said. “Have you seen this guy’s stats? He is very impressive in the plays that he makes. I can’t wait to see the difference that he is going to make.” Trout has made a total of 30,879 outs in his ten years
of playing in Major League Baseball. As of 2020, Trout stole 200 bases and hit 300 home runs, making him the faster player to accomplish both, beating Willie Mays. Trout also robbed at least 15 home runs over his career, making him one of the best outfielders in the game.
“I think there is going to be a big difference between how we play now and how we are going to play with the help of Trout,” head coach Rick McCarty said. “Our boys have some real talent. So I have a good feeling that Trout can just push us over the top.”
Woman’s assistant basketball coach goes viral on TikTok BY NOT ERIK DEROO DEFINITELY NOT PROMOTING MY TIKTOK
We all know the TikTok stars Charli and Dixie D’Amelio, Addison Rae, and all the different content houses. But have you heard of Erik Deroo? Coach Deroo, an assistant basketball coach for the woman’s team, is now a TikTok star. Recent reports from the university say that the assistance woman’s basketball coach has decided to resign from coaching and move into a content house located in LA called the sway house. “You know I’ve always wanted to go viral on social media.” Deroo said. “To be invited to the sway house is honestly a complete honor.” Deroo has over 57K followers and more than two mil-
lion likes on his TikTok account. One could say he’s too old to be joining a content house but that doesn’t seem to be a problem. “I think he’ll be a perfect fit for us.” Bryce Hall said. “He’ll almost be like a dad for all of us and he’ll be able to cook, clean, and teach us new things.” Head woman’s basketball coach Julie Goodenough is sad to see him good but is happy to see him doing what he loves. “He’s been killing the game on social media and specifically TikTok,” Goodenough said. “In all honesty I’m glad he’s leaving because these past few months his head has been out of the game.” Deroo was a part of the 2018-2019
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Do you think he will be able to teach me how to Renegade? woman’s basketball team that won the Southland Conference Tournament and made it to the NCAA tournament. Players are sad to see him leave but know that this is the
best move. “I’m so glad he’s doing what he wants.” Junior guard Madi Miller said. “He’s really going to fit in well in LA with all of the fame.” Deroo is looking forward to creating more
content in LA and is excited for his future. “Don’t forget to follow my Tik Tok,” Deroo said. “Never forget your home town fans. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am.”
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NEWS| Thursday, April 1, 2021 | 6
BY SHAWN BLUESKY | METEOROLOGIST
As Beyonce once said “all the single ladies put your hands up” and catch a man falling from the sky
Historic Ring by Spring Showers forecasted for Sunday BY A SINGLE WOMAN PLEASE I JUST WANT A MAN
It seems as though the 1982 Weather Girls song “It’s Raining Men” is coming true in the city of Abilene. According to preliminary reports by a KTXS weatherman Shawn Bluesky, Abilene residents ought to expect college-aged men to fall from the sky starting around 11 a.m. going through 1:30 p.m. on Sunday. Despite the brevity of the event, Bluesky wants to make sure the city of Abilene is prepared for this storm.
“Whenever the winter storm came to the city in February, I felt as though a vast majority of the city was not prepared for the storm,” Bluesky said. “This time, I want people to be prepared, so I want to make sure I tell them as much as I know.” All Bluesky knows about the Ring by Spring Showers at this point is that atmospheric pressure has seemed to create single, college-aged men looking for a wife. So much so, whenever they hit the ground, they will fall in love and propose to the first girl they see.
And according to the forecast, the storm will be at its strongest on ACU’s campus. “It seems as though to revolve primarily around the campus of Abilene Christian,” said Bluesky. “Engagement season has arrived at many college campuses across the country, so it is not surprising this shower is centralizing in this area.” The ACU student population has been filled with an arrangement of different emotions, from confusion to outright terror because of all the potential Instagram engagement
posts. But the primary emotion is excitement. “Personally, I’m really excited about this weather,” said Kaitlyn Johnson, a freshman business major from Lubbock. “I haven’t been able to find a boyfriend since I’ve been at ACU, so this seems like the perfect opportunity.” Others looking forward to these showers have reportedly said this might be God’s way of opening up a door for marriage. “I have not been able to find the man God has chosen for me while at ACU,” said Emilee Roberts, a
sophomore nursing major from Dallas. “Maybe this is God’s way of bringing him into my life.” In preparation for the showers, multiple sororities and their officer teams have prepared to celebrate their sisters’ quick engagements. “We are so excited to celebrate our sisters who will be starting the next chapter of their lives,” said Lauren Gumm, president of GATA. “Though there are a lot of girls that will probably get engaged this weekend, keeping us very busy, it will be so great to cele-
brate them in a very special way.” Since this might be a once-in-a-lifetime event, Bluesky encouraged people to try to enjoy the moment, no matter their relationship status. But he also warned people to stay safe and be wary of the men falling from the sky. “Though this will be an incredible phenomenon to witness, observers must be wary,” Bluesky said. “One would not desire to be hit by the men falling from the sky, since they are traveling at an extremely high velocity.”
National Treasure 3 set to film at the Labyrinth on campus BY RILEY FISHER NICOLAS CAGE’S NO. 1 FAN
The Walt Disney Company and Jerry Bruckheimer films recently confirmed the location for the long awaited National Treasure 3 will be on ACU’s campus. The movie is set to be filmed at the Labyrinth outside of the Hunter Welcome Center this summer with a pending release date in 2023.
Both production companies released a statement about the excitement of moving production to a smaller location. “The promise of shooting in a small town in West Texas compared to large sets in places like Hollywood and Atlanta is exciting,” Disney and Bruckheimer said. “There’s so much you can do with a lot of open fields and mesquite trees.” As of now, production
has not released a plot but has confirmed Nicolas Cage for his appearance in the movie. It is not confirmed whether his co-stars Jon Voight, Diane Kruger or Justin Bartha will return. “I’m so excited about the fact that Nicolas Cage is going to be on my campus,” Junior Riley Fisher said. “I’ve been his number one fan for years and can’t wait to show him all of
the fan pages I have made for him on social media. I don’t care what anyone else says Nicolas Cage is not creepy.” Tentatively, production is going to start in June and pause during the school year in order to keep the actors and students safe. Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, is excited about the buzz the film will bring to campus. “I can’t wait to watch
and see our campus on the big screen,” Schubert said. “We are hoping to plan a watch party in Wildcat Stadium.” In addition to using our campus, the production companies also recruited Hutton Harris, director of ACUTV, to help with production. After the success of his First Dance documentary, both production companies agreed he would be a valuable asset to the team
creating National Treasure 3. “This all a little shocking to me,” said Harris, “I was not expecting to work in the film industry but here we are.” ACU is not expecting production to hinder classes or student’s return to campus in the fall. The attention is expected to also help rentintion numbers and attract movie fans to apply to the university.
Unionized birds banned for indecency, continued protests BY NOT A BIRD, I PROMISE REALLY, I’M NOT A BIRD
After ACU Police Department received numerous reports of birds pooping on students, they made the campus-wide decision to ban the bird population for indecency. This decision called on the ACU Union of Birds to speak out about the growing issue of indecency. In response, the Union of Birds has staged a pro-
test in front of the campus center. “The number of reports about indecency of the birds has gotten out of hand,” said Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university. “We as a university had to make the decision to ban the birds, especially after incidents with students and the bird’s inappropriate actions.” Students and faculty have reported damage
from the bird poop on their clothes and cars, as well as items such as backpacks and even laptops. The birds have also been said to attack students and faculty if tempted. “Item damage reports have come in at a huge frequency that the ACUPD and the university cannot keep up,” said Schubert. “The bird union has caused a protest; however, we choose not to take it seriously.”
According to the ACUPD, the bird union has chased students from the skies when nearing the campus center. Outside of the campus center and near trees is where the Union of Birds have been protesting, students continue to experience attacks even after the ban. “I was attacked by a bird,” said Sky Dominguez, freshman youth and family ministry major
from Leander. “The birds will protest outside of the campus center and a bird swooped down when I yelled at it for pooping on my back.” Despite the attacks, the university said in an email that the campus will remain open. Groundskeepers have been working overtime removing poop from outside of the campus center while risking attacks. “Cookoo,” said Joey the
blackbird, president of the Union of Birds. “Tweet Chirp Cookoo.” A translator confirmed Joey denied the allegations of pooping on students and the Union of Birds feel the ban was wrongful. The translator also confirmed that Joey was not the perpetrator of most of the crimes. We reached out for further comment from Joey; however, he hopped away before we had a chance.
10 percent of student tuition funds ACU’s green grass BY CLIMATE CHANGE SKEPTIC IS IT ACTUALLY A THING? LIKE WHAT PROOF IS THERE?
In a recent study that is completely factual and not fake news whatsoever, nearly 10% of student tuition is distributed directly to keep ACU’s grass green for four months out of the year. “We pride ourselves as a university to have the only green grass in Abilene,” said Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university. “With that being said, it’s important that we allocate millions of dollars to keep our grass healthy.” With harsh winters, the university has struggled to maintain the grass on campus to its liking. Some additional funding may be required. “We want to be known as having one of the most
beautiful campuses in the country,” Schubert said. “Because of this goal, I know students will be more than happy to pay an extra $10,000 in tuition next school year.” Dr. Tamara Long, vice president of enrollment and Student Life, said students are more than happy to pay extra to improve the campus. “We just have such an amazing number of students that are so eager to help us achieve our goals,” Long said. “They are truly selfless and display what it’s like to be a Christian.” Students who are unsure about this increased tuition can contact the Financial Aid Office or ask their parents to keep paying for their school. Take from this process.”
PHOTO BY DAVID I AVID GRASS ENTHUSIAST
Empty head, no thoughts, only grass. This is worse than Lake Tuition if we’re being honest.
NEWS | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | 7
Eaton cuts hair, loses his Chapel powers mid-sermon BY RIOT ORGANIZER TRUMP 2024
Talks of temporary replacement are in the works after Cyrus Eaton, dean of spiritual formation and campus chaplain, cut his hair, losing his chaplain powers.
“I just thought it was time for a change,” said Eaton. “I never envisioned that my chaplain powers would go away.” Clearly Eaton didn’t heed the advice of Judges 16:17, which states,”If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me,
and I would become as weak as any other man.” Eaton attempted preaching for the first time Sunday when he noticed the loss of chaplain powers. “I got on stage and just froze,” said Eaton. “Suddenly the Word of God just left my mind.”
After freezing on stage for the first time in his career, Eaton did some digging to find out what went wrong. “I did a 23andMe and discovered I had Nazirite blood, which could be the cause of the loss,” Eaton said. “I just didn’t know.”
Now concerned to follow in Samson’s footsteps, Eaton is stepping down from his roll as campus chaplain. Makayla Jones, spiritual formation coordinator, said she will be stepping in until Eaton’s hair grows back.
“We just weren’t prepared for this unforeseen change,” Jones said. “I will try my best to fill in his footsteps until his hair grows back.” A GoFundMe for hair plugs has been started at gofundme.com/cyrusneedshair.
Moonies suspected for stealing goalpost after big win against UT BY EVERY GALAXY HATER WHO’S PUPPY NOVA?
After the men’s basketball team’s victory against the Texas Longhorns on March 20, students were seen celebrating at the watch party that took place at Wildcat Stadium. In the heat of celebration, a few students were seen devolving into primates and began climbing the goalpost like an Amazonian tree. In the fullest extent of the motto “Apes Together, Strong” said students began jump-
ing on the goalpost in an effort to bring it down. However, the students’ plan was foiled when purple helicopters swarmed to the stadium and members of the ACU SWAT team dropped into the stadium grounds, dispersing the crowd and arresting multiple members of Galaxy. At 3:00 a.m. CCTV cameras caught more than 10 figures clad in black sneaking back into the stadium and unscrewing the goalpost directly in front of the score board. A discrete note writ-
ten by an anonymous source on a business textbook page was sent to the Pessimist newsroom detailing that reason for the stolen goalpost. “We men strong. We happy but purple men ruin fun,” Anonymous said. “Us tired of being looked down upon. Goalpost ours now. For safe return, us demand no chapel credits, Sub T scoreboard, and first place in Sing Song costumes.” Philly Schubes, president of the university and former Moonie, said that he
knows who stole the goalpost. “Everyone on the executive board literally knows who did it. Students taken in by ACU SWAT told officers they would regret what they did. Not to mention multiple active Moonies texted me, saying ‘Schubes, we stole the goalpost! Best President ever! Do we get more funding now?’ Actions are being taken as we speak.” Multiple Galaxy officers have been contacted regarding the stolen goalpost and the anonymous note,
however all responded saying “Loose lips sink ships.” Regarding if they were now trying to claim the title of “most infamous ACU fraternity” as Sub T-16 continues to reestablish their presence on campus, the president of Galaxy said that this happens in the jungle all the time...? “They were stronger ape,” the president said. “Big Wildcat ate ape. We bigger ape now. King of the jungle. We get the big banana now. But we
BY A GOOGLE CAR (IN ABILENE?) A moonie den where they very “discretely” hid a totally NOT obvious, bright yellow goal post behind.
University strikes oil at GATA splash pad, setting off legal battle with sorority BY A.C. Umberville OIL BARON
BY A SUSPECTING OIL BARREN WHO JUST WANTS THE MONEY Are we even surprised the GATA Splash Pad is under construction...again?
After construction began this semester on the GATA splash pad, workers found oil deposits and immediately called University President Dr. Phil Schubert. “Since the fountain is on university grounds, ACU will be accepting the money from the oil to renovate more buildings,” said Schubert. “Wildcats have a legacy to live up to and bigger buildings and less parking spaces will
fulfill that legacy.” When GATA officers and sponsors heard of this, they immediately sued for rights to the oil deposits. “The GATA fountain has been around since 1970 and the deposits belong to us,” said April Young, GATA sponsor. “We may have gifted the fountain to the university, but it has our name on it. It belongs to us.” If the sorority were to win the legal battle, their funding would
increase enough to make them the new daddy’s money sorority, replacing Ko Jo Kai, who has held that title for over a hundred years. “It would be a huge opportunity for a comeback,” said Young. “We could finally show ACU that we are the real oldest sorority on campus.” Though motivated, GATA might have a hard time winning against ACU’s legal team, which is paid millions.
“This is a worthwhile investment for our student’s tuition,” said Schubert. “There’s nothing more important to spend it on than giving the school even more money.” The two will appear in court next Thursday to see who will take charge of these deposits and the money that undoubtedly will come with them. This is a developing story.
Under Roof-ACU Wildcats Back Row: Caleb Robinson, Kyle McVey, Dayton Borger, Will Christoferson, Clay Trumble, Brad Magers, Bret Pinson Front Row: Amy Lane, Hannah Rimmer, Dillon Cobb, Sarah Bacon, Pam Brown Not Pictured: Shelley Allen, Brittany Balcomb, Ella Burgess, Brian Burton, Clint Davidson, John Ferguson, Abby Fortson, Geo Goodwin, Lauren Harp, Yancey House, Sheri Kendrick, Tim Laws, Jeff Leving, Austin Mayes, Tyler Mayes, Marcus Morris, Tim Pittman, Joe Rocco, Kirk Thaxton, Kyle Whisenhunt
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