Optimist Print Edition 04.01.22 - The Pessimist

THOUGHT WE WOULD FORGET ABOUT THE PESSIMIST BECAUSE OF BING BONG? HA! WRONG. ACUOPTIMIST.COM | Friday, April 1, 2022

MOONIE CONSTRUCTION COMPANY | G*L*XY APOLOGIST

Photo that was sent to the NEXT Lab to convince them goats are more important than science and for no other reasons related to any fraternities whatsoever.

G*l*xy to fund IM Field goat farm

BY A THIRD PARTY PHOTO EVIDENCE SOURCE ANONYOUS FRAT BOY

Social club G*l*xy is planning to donate an on-campus goat farm in place of the Intramural Fields which are currently under construction.

The fraternity announced last week they have bought out the NEXT Labs contract and are acquiring the intra-

mural fields to create a goat farm. The fraternity said the money came primarily from alumni donations and that the addition to campus has no other reason than they think students would enjoy having goats around.

“We’re so lucky to have alumni that support their fraternity and their university this much,” Chad Lucas, G*l*xy’s new farm director said. “This goat farm is an

exciting opportunity for our club. It’s grand opening will be whenever we are allowed back on campus and we can’t wait to see everyones’ reactions.”

The venture is said to be co-led by another men’s fraternity, Sub T-16, who will be supplying the goats. The goats have really no primary reason for being on campus but the fraternities said that, on occasion, they do have to

make sure one isn’t missing.

“We do have to count the goats every now and then to make sure one doesn’t come up missing,” Ethan Cash, Sub T-16’s designated goat counter, said. “Once and awhile one goes missing.

There has been a slight uptick in goat theft in Abilene lately, but we’re doing our best to keep our goats safe.”

The goats will be available for students on campus to

visit and on occasion, may even be given to the grounds department to help speed up the landscaping process around campus.

The goats said this about moving to their new on-campus home.

“Bah bah baaah ba ba ba bahhh bah, bah bah, baaah bah bah,” Billy Goat the 23rd said. “Bahhh bahbah ba ba ba bahhhhhhhhh.

Bah bah bah bah bah.”

Sanders Fields to be relocated into Teague

BY DEFINTELY NOT A FRAT ALSO NOT A MILK FAN

The Larry “Satch” Sanders Intramural Field has seen its last outdoor football season.

The new NEXT Lab facility is being moved to its current location, creating a lack of space for the fields on campus and has opened up the fields to be moved into the Teague Center.

The indoor tennis facility and modifiable meeting area has been used for the

past two years by Volleyball and Men’s and Women’s basketball while Moody enters its 38th semester of construction.

The center is also the home to several athletic facilities and a celebration hall.

It is also the temporary home of the legendary Moody bats as they await their new multi-million-dollar home.

When asked about their new roommates, a local bat

declined to comment as bats don’t speak English.

It would only make sense that the fields would be moved there while construction is underway at the former site.

The field’s destruction began on March 7.

This construction was a very informed and well-communicated effort on the behalf of the University to alumni of Frater Sodalis.

The plan is to move square

foot by square foot the field turf grass that the alumni of Frater Sodalis donated to the Teague Center, water it, and hope it survives.

Along with this, the fences will be uprooted and set inside the celebration hall.

Kauy Ostlien, a junior from Abilene, secretary of Frater Sodalis and an allaround amazing guy, said he’s excited about the new location.

“I left my glasses at the old fields one time and now

they’re torn up I’m pretty upset about that,” Ostlien said. “But the new location looks cool and I can’t wait to lose to former high school athletes on the new field.”

There are potentially more opportunities as it is rumored that by fall of 2022, first-year students planning on living in Gardner, which will be placed in the rafters of Teague. The first event held at the new Intramural Fields will be a Quidditch tournament.

Patterson turns Ghostbuster to vanquish Dorrel’s spirit

BY ZACK BAGANS GHOST HUNTER

After multiple sightings from football players, no one thought that the ghost of former head coach Adam Dorrel in Wildcat Stadium would never disappear.

According to reports, the ghostly presence of the former head coach was felt and seen every time football players entered the stadium. Sightings of the coach have continued for months, with players hearing the echoes of Dorrel’s screams in the locker room and seeing his ghostly apparition on the field with his clipboard and double glasses during workouts.

“Whenever Dorrel left in November, I thought I would never see him again,” said milk-loving quarterback and first witness to the ghost Peyton Mansell. “Then, I go to the field with my teammates to practice and there he is, looking right at me. I’ve never been more terrified my entire life.”

As the mediocre to pathetic football play became more prominent due to the ghost’s

COURTESY OF ANTHONY FIELD SECURITY CAMERAS

Patterson enters Anthony Field to vanquish the ghost of Dorrel’s career. presence, it caught the attention of the athletics department and vice president for athletics Zack Lassiter.

“We decided almost immediately that we needed to take quick and decisive action to address this problem,” Lassiter said. “My staff and I talked and we quickly determined multiple courses of action.”

Some of those courses of action included calling in Cyrus

Eaton to cleanse the field, enlisting the help of ghost hunters Shane Madej and Ryan Bergara and bringing in the real Ghostbusters themselves.

All of these attempts were to no avail and the pesky ghost stayed put.

“We were at a loss,” Lassiter said. “We had used so many resources to get this ghostly thorn out of our side but until now, nothing worked. The sit-

uation seemed hopeless.”

The problem unknown to him at the time, now head coach Keith Patterson saw the Ghostbusters leaving the stadium. Patterson asked Lassiter what was going on, and he was filled in.

With resolve and determination in his eyes, Patterson took the ghost equipment from the Ghostbusters and entered the stadium alone.

“I don’t know what came over me,” Patterson said. “I just walked into the stadium wanting to help this program in the best way possible. If that meant catching a ghost, I was going to catch a ghost.”

Soon, people near the stadium could hear the yells of the old coach and saw lightning flashes and sparks flying. Then suddenly it stopped. Patterson walked out of the stadium with a closed ghost trap in hand and inside it, the ghost of Adam Dorrell’s coaching career. Almost immediately, Lassiter offered him the new head coaching job position.

“The ghost came charging at me from left field, so I pointed the weird ghost device I got and pulled the trigger,” Patterson said.

“He seemed angry that I was there and I guess I can see why but it made him an easy target. Just like that he was in the trap and he will never return to haunt this football program again.”

Due to Patterson’s heroics, it seems that peace within the football program has returned, at least for now.

NEWS

A How-to-Guide to SingleSignOn

PAGE 2

NEWS

High school seniors allowed to rush and join frats, sororities

PAGE 2

SPORTS

Brette Tanner’s head shiniest it’s ever been after winning season.

PAGE 4

FOLLOW US... OR DON’T. IT’S FINE :(

@acuoptimist The Optimist @acuoptimist

2 | Friday, APRIL 1, 2022 | NEWS

THE PESSIMIST

MyACU Single SignOn now tops time proven in new Honors student study

BY HAL HOOTS HATES SINGLE SIGNON

Students now spend more time logging on to MyACU than other activity – a whopping 40 percent of their day, according to an Honors student’s research to be presented at the annual Undergraduate Research, Creativity and Innovation Festival on April 12.

Monique Montoya, junior sociology major from Val Verde, conducted the detailed survey and found using the university’s Single SignOn process now takes up more time than students spend in class, eating and preparing for class, which, admittedly, never was a high percentage to begin with.

“I guess it shouldn’t surprise me,” said Montoya, who conducted five-minute surveys of more than 100 students during March. “Most of them had to sign on to their myACU at least twice during each interview.”

The university’s Information Technology department last year switched to the Microsoft Solutions software program, which is designed to protect the security of email, course information and Google Docs stored on university-sponsored accounts. And in that way, it works, said Marcus Garvin, junior kinesiology major from Keller, who was

interviewed for the study.

“Now nobody but me will ever know my professor wants us to read chapter 14 in our textbook before next Friday’s class,” he said, “unless they have my password, cell phone, thumbprint and know my next of kin. Of course, half the time, I can’t get in either.”

Cindy Fowler, elementary education major from El Paso, wasn’t sur-

prised by the impact of the university’s change, either.

“Now I spend more time signing on than I do in club activities, dating and watching Netflix,” she said. “In fact, my friends and I created a Google Doc of all the things that take up our time.

I can show it to you on my iPhone… Oh, wait – I need to sign in again…”

My-oh-myACU: A 19-step guide to logging in Logging on to your myACU account is easy, as long as you follow this handy 19step Single SignOn guide.

1. Go to my.acu.edu on any browser – except FireFox or Microsoft Edge. (Who uses Microsoft Edge, anyway…?)

2. Type your ACU-provided username.

3. Type your password, if you can remember it.

4. Try a different password. (You’ll probably be prompted to create a new password, anyway, which will mess up all your saved settings for several days.) Passwords must be changed every 11 days.

5. Next, you’ll be taken to the “Approve sign in request” page.

6. If you’ve downloaded the convenient Microsoft Authenticator app to your phone, you’ll receive a notification that says “Approve Sign-in Request.” The app doesn’t really save you any time or steps, but apps are cool, right?

7. You can also select “I can’t use my (convenient) Microsoft Authenticator app right now,” which will prompt you to receive a text or get an email, but you’ll have to complete the Single SignOn process to do that…

8. On that screen, you’ll also see “Don’t ask again for 14 days.” Click the box next to it. That won’t do anything, but clicking boxes is fun, right?

9. Find your phone.

10. You probably left it in the other room, so you’re going to have to get up and go find it.

11. You may have to use that annoying Apple iCloud “Find My” program, but you’ll have to complete the Single SignOn process to do that…

12. By the time you find your phone, the convenient Microsoft Authenticator app notification likely will have expired, so you probably will need to start over.

13. When your phone again receives the convenient Microsoft Authenticator app’s “Approve sign in?” notification, click on it.

14. You’ll be taken to the convenient Microsoft Authenticator app, where you’ll be able to select “Deny” or “Approve.” Select “Approve.” Half the time, you’ll accidentally hit the “Deny” button, and you’ll have to start over.

15. Use “Touch ID” to continue the convenient Microsoft Authenticator app process.

16. Switch back to your browser.

17. The convenient Microsoft Authenticator app works about half the time, so if the SignOn doesn’t complete, simply start from the beginning and repeat until successful.

18. Expect to go through this process an average of 32 times per day as you seek to access email, Google Drive, Adobe software and other online services.

19. Enjoy MyACU!

Student Life announce changes, high schoolers to rush and join

BY NOT AN ANNOYED OFFICER NO SERIOUSLY IT’S FINE......

After a successful semester of New Member Orientation this spring, Greek Life has decided to expand and allow high school seniors to join sororities and fraternities on campus.

During the 2021 spring semester, ACU allowed freshmen to rush and complete orientation for the fraternity or sorority of their choice.

Despite running into

challenges regarding rules for these new members, Greek Life has completely ironed everything out without any complaints from the student body, whatsoever.

“While there were some hiccups in the beginning, after seeing how everything played out, I am glad that we can now allow these students an opportunity to complete orientation,” said Robin McPherson, senior coordinator of fraternities and

sororities.

This fruitful endeavor opened the door to a large number of future possibilities and with the recent hiring of PJ Martinez, Greek Life has chosen to utilize this momentum and continue pushing for more student involvement.

Allowing high school seniors to rush and complete NMO focuses solely on the future generations of the sororities and fraternities, leaving the rest of the active members to

figure out what to do with the highschoolers.

However, Martinez and McPherson said what’s most important are retention rates and making people stay.

“What better way to increase student interaction than start with the future.

This is why I want to provide seniors in high school the opportunity to also join fraternities and sororities.” said Martinez The future Wildcats are going to be allowed to

participate in virtual rushes and virtual orientation events for the different clubs.

So far nobody has responded negatively to this new recruiting idea and officers in the respective clubs said they are excited they get the opportunity to change all of their orientation events for the second time, this time making them virtual.

“I really am just so excited to change our traditional orientation events

again,” said Frater Sodalis secretary Nathaniel Chisholm. “The process is just so helpful in preserving our history. I can’t wait to see how they change the hazing policies for virtual orientation events too.”

The Greek life department is hoping that by allowing these future Wildcats to complete the orientation process before their high school graduation, retention rates will increase as well as university applicatants.

Suspected ‘Catman’ hero on loose, secret base found in the Tower of Light

BY A FERAL CAT ON CAMPUS CATMAN’S #1 FAN

ACUPD responded to a call about a man and what seemed to be a glowing logo on the top of the tower of light Friday night.

ACU Police Chief Jason Ellis said it wasn’t the first time that the police department has received complaints about a glowing logo shining from the top of the tower as well as a man “flying” to and from the tower.

“It hasn’t been the first time for one of these calls,” Ellis said. “However, we found that the top of the tower of light, which is closed to the public, is being used as some sort of secret lair.

Some sort of Batman cave... we think.”

According to witness reports, a strange human-size flying cat has been seen leaving the tower often at night when sirens are heard and the shiny logo is seen.

“I think it looks like Batman but a cat. Catman.”

Willy the Wildcat, the school’s mascot, said. “It is rumored to be Dr. Phil Schubert who has been in the top of the tower.”

The man is suspected to be the mysterious hero who has been behind multiple students getting off of Chapel probation and the recent replacement fruit in the Bean with chocolate donuts.

As well, he has been spotted taking parking tickets off of students’ cars.

“I feel offended that he is taking my thunder of being a cat hero in a suit,” Willy said. “He is stealing

building, according to reports.

“We were surprised mostly when we found out who it was,” Ellis said.

“Dr. Phil Schubert was unmasked by one of our officers as the unhelpful hero.”

Despite Schubert not adopting the same name of the famous DC hero, it seems the suit was PHOTO FROM YIK YAK I SCHUBERT’S #1 FAN a Batman suit from Pretty sure this is just fan art. Party City.

However, it is my whole brand.” also rumored that Ellis did report there Schubert stole the suit was a symbol of a wildcat from fraternity Frater Solcoming from the tower idas. before the man was seen “Despite him being the leaving. president of the univerACUPD caught up sity, he has come in for with the man on the Bible questioning,” Ellis said.

POLICE LOG SELECTED ACUPD CALLS FOR THE WEEK: •

ACUPD responded to a laptop on fire in a Bullock Hall. No seriously... this isn’t a joke, this actually happened... (We can’t find the date)

•

Students reported weird noises coming from COBA, similar to bears. Turns out it was just GATA Sing Song Rehearsal. 3/31/2021 10:37 p.m.

•

Students report suspicious behavior from a Yik Yak user. The account is still under investigation but all the Yak’s were signed ACUPD...

3/31/2021 8:30 a.m.

911 Call 1 Administrative activity ????

Advice Transfer Alcohol incident Ask freshmen Animal call 0 Assists Airion Simmons Bats in Chapel Not enough Boot/Unboot vehicle 2 Building lock/unlock 6 Fritter car patrol Missing?

Check building 285 Chapel Probation On the rise Chapel Credits Gained None Criminal mischief 1 Days GATA Fountain is off 24/8 Direct traffic 0

Disturbance 3 Dr. Peppers in the vending machines Warm Freshman stuck in Bullock elevators 17 Feral cat disappearances :( Galaxy reports of cyberbullying via Yik Yak 139029786 Hit & run Ask the Siggies Intoxicated person Lincoln Street Investigation follow-up 16 Lost Property 6 Mask Littering 12657 Medical emergency 4 Missing person 0 Masks during mandates A few

MESSAGE FROM POLICE CHIEF:

Motorist assist: inflate tire.

0 Mens frats in Sing Song More!

Motorist assist: other 1 Motorist assist: unlock 1 Noise violation Stairs (probably) Other 18 Parking lot patrol 53 Parking violations 69 People seen at Siggie Pavilion Still 0 Patrol vehicle: refuel 7 Reliving glory days Paul Hiepler Report writing 12 Rings by Spring 407437 Sing Song Acts Maybe 7 Sub-T 16’s odds at placing in Sing Song 100%

Stolen Vehicle 0 Suspicious person 7 Sub-T Farm?

Traffic hazard Jared Mayfield Traffic stop 4 Training 0 Yik Yak Everyone on campus Vehicle collision 2 Welfare check 6 Total Do people read this?

Seriously, someone on Yik Yak, tell me you read this. *List of selected statistics of this week’s ACUPD activity report.

“Yik Yak is not the place for cyberbullying..... unless there’s tea. Spill the tea.”

“We ask those with information about Catman and the sightings to contact us.”

Recently, a group called Wildcats against Catman has hosted recent protests outside of ACUPD. This group is said to be in support of Willy the Wildcat.

“Dr. Phil Schubert should understand what cat runs this university, my cat, Willy the Wildcat,” Mallory Sinquefield, a sophomore Willy the Wildcat apologist, said.

“He deserves so much better.

We are also in support of Willy becoming the president after this reign of Catman.”

Schubert was unavailable for comment due to unexpected hero duties.

THE PESSIMIST

NEWS | Friday, April 1, 2022 | 3

Over 96% of student body placed on Chapel probation

BY SOMEONE ON PROBATION I WAS MISSING 5 POINTS WHY

On Valentine’s Day, over 96% of students received a sweet surprise in email form from Dr. Ryan Richardson informing them that they have been placed on Chapel probation.

Students are placed on Chapel probation by not attaining all of the required Chapel points from the previous semester.

Cyrus Eaton, university chaplain, said he is disappointed in the amount of students who had to be placed on Chapel probation.

“I just don’t get why anyone would want to skip Chapel in the first place,” Eaton said. “Even after we lowered the amount of credits students had to get from 55 to 40, we still had students getting less.

We just have to put our foot down.”

The hammer came down hard on students who didn’t get all their credits, but not too hard. In the past, students were not allowed to participate in Sing Song if they were on probation.

However, if that were to remain a rule this semester, Ko Jo Kai would be the only act eligible to participate.

According to a Yik Yak survey, over 24 students said they were blindsided by the fact that they received

Chapel probation.

After two years of COVID exceptions, less opportunities to attend Chapel with Moody under construction and no warning that attaining credits would be taken seriously this semester, students did not know they would get penalized for missing Chapel.

“Got on probation for literally missing like five credits last semester when I have never missed in all of my

previous semesters,” commented one distressed user on Yik Yak. In years past, students placed on probation had the option to remove themselves from Chapel probation by writing a short apologetic, fully sincere essay explaining the importance of Chapel.

However, no options were given this semester and students have no choice but to double down on meeting all

of their credits – especially as the notice came when the semester was nearly halfway through.

“This is the thing that will make students actually want to come to Chapel,” Eaton said.

“We won’t be changing Chapel at all but this will most definitely work.”

Seating is first come first serve at Chapel, locations of which are often changed week to week.

BY ACU PHOTOGRAPHER SCOTT DELONY COVERING THE TRIAL

Brette Tanner applauds Steven the Badger for the dropping suit, truly an emotional moment for the coach, better than any winning game, Brette loves Badgers

Badger drops libel lawsuit against athletics, basketball

BY JOE GOLDING TANNER’S BEST FRIEND

In another victory for the Athletic Department, Stephen the Badger, who sued the men’s basketball program for defamation, has dropped all suits.

This comes after weeks long court proceedings that led to vicious battles in the courtroom between head

coach Brette Tanner’s lawyer and Stephen the Badger’s lawyers.

This has not only taken a toll on Tanner, but vice president for athletics Zack Lassiter.

“This is the first time in athletics history we have been sued, let alone by a badger,” Lassiter said. “The process has been long and lengthy, but in the end, we are relieved that Mr. Ste-

phen the Badger dropped the suit.”

The suit came about at a press conference where Tanner talked about a story that inspired his players to snap their losing streak.

In a dramatic locker room meeting, Tanner told the story of the badger and of his tenacity and persistence to never back down from the fight.

After the press conference

aired and went viral on the Internet, it was brought to the attention of Stephen the Badger, who, known among his badger friends, is a pacifist and peaceful individual.

Angered by the confusion rising by his friends and being called a belligerent war-monger, he sued the basketball program for defamation.

Though the suit seemed to be heading in the badger’s

favor, everything changed by a name.

It turns out that Tanner was not talking about Stephen the Badger, but rather Stoffel the Badger.

With this revelation, the court effectively started shutting down the case, and ultimately out of guilt, Stephen the Badger dropped the case.

“All I wanted to do is in-

spire my boys to get back to winning through Stoffel’s story,” Tanner said.

“Obviously, this went in an very unforeseen direction, but I’m glad it all worked out.”

We asked Stephen the Badger to comment on the failed suit and the confusion, but he did not answer our inquiries, since he is a badger.

CAB to host second annual Whip and Nae Nae Contest in Central Plant

BY SILENTO STILL IN PRISON

Students will be whipping and nae naeing on April 20 inside the ACU Central Plant on campus.

Last fall, students participated in the first-ever contest.

It featured over 500 students and several prominent faculty and staff, including Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university.

This year, alumni are encouraged to join the event as a tribute to their alma mater’s classy dance moves.

Tamara Long, vice president for enrollment management and student life’s office, was very delighted to hear this event is taking place for a second year.

“IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT WHIP AND NAE NAE CONTEST, DO NOT OPEN,” Long said. “IT IS A PHISHING ATTEMPT

TO GATHER YOUR INFORMATION.” There’s no recorded winner from last year’s competition due to too many students in attendance.

The top three finalists were K9 Fritter, Willie the Wildcat and Ms. Tammy.

Due to the disorganization of last year’s event, the Cabinet is taking over to help choose a clear whip and nae nae artist.

Nicole Mallet, CAB president and senior marketing and management major from San Antonio, said she’s ecstatic to see how this plays out.

“It’s ridiculous there wasn’t a winner last year,” Mallet said. “The CAB is focused on fostering community and we believe we can do that in this event.”

To win the competition, a contestant must consistently hit whips and nae naes to outlast their competitors. Mallet said the CAB is expecting an even

larger turnout than last year and its Instagram post about the event got over 5500 likes. Kevin Campbell, senior vice president of operations, said this event is shockingly cheap to put on.

“What even is a whip and nae nae,” Campbell said. “I don’t understand this event or this dance move but it’s cheap, so I don’t care.”

What makes this year’s contest even more unique is the fact ACUTV is broadcasting the event live on ESPN+.

Last year, ACUTV made a documentary called, ‘The First Dance,’ about the NCAA Tournament runs in 2019 for men’s and women’s basketball.

Hutton Harris, the video production manager and ACUTV director, is working alongside ACUTV’s staff to create, ‘The Second Dance,’ documentary.

“The Second Dance is

BY YES THIS IS FRITTER HITTING THE WHIP NOT A PERSON PHOTOSHOPPED WITH FRITTERS FACE

Snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooppppppp all about the Whip and Nae Nae Contest and I’m excited to share it with the ACU community,” Harris said. “There’s going to be

behind the scenes shots that have never been seen before. You’ll feel the magic of this magical event.”

The event will start

propmtly at 11 p.m. on April 15 at the ACU Central Plant on Willingham Way and will be streamed on ESPN+.

Junior nixes nuptials over hashtag writer’s block

BY HAL HOOTS DIDN’T KNOW WHAT A HASTAG WAS

Savannah Sweet on Thursday called off her engagement to her fiancé of two months and admitted the move was mainly because she simply couldn’t come up with a clever hashtag in preparation for the couple’s planned wedding next fall.

Sweet, junior accounting major from Forney, saqid

her fiancé was blindsided by the breakup, but she said it was inevitable because of the lack of a whimsical hashtag she could include on her social media platforms, announcements and bridal shower chalkboard.

“Everyone tells you what to look for in a husband, and emphasizes that “you marry who you date,’” she said.

“But nobody says, ‘Just

don’t date someone with a boring name.’”

A major step once couples become engaged is for the bride and groom to choose a hashtag that often is based on the last name of the groom.

That decision typically comes immediately before registering at Target, Amazon and Bed, Bath and Beyond.

For example, a bride

marrying Stephen Dillon might choose #sealthedill, a woman wedding Phil Ledbetter might choose #betterwithledbetter, and the future bride of Philip Fife might go with #fifeforlife.

“There just wasn’t anything good!” Sweet said.

“My sister Carsten married Colin Church, and hers was #getmetothechurchontime.”

“I mean, how can I beat that? It’s gold.”

For his part, Sweet’s fiancé, Connor Hart, a junior youth and family ministries major from Dallas. said he was crushed by the split, but said he completely understood.

He said he hoped he one day to find the woman of his dreams who had a little more creativity and could come up with something

– anything – clever with their last names.

“When she considered settling for #hartattack, I knew the engagement was headed for the rocks,” said Hart, junior pre-law major from Highland Park.

Sweet reportedly has already returned to the dating field and has been looking at rings with a new boyfriend, Nigel Hincklesnicker.

4 | Friday, APRIL 1, 2022 | NEWS

THE PESSIMIST

BY PHILS #1 FAN PLEASE GIVE ME MORE SCHOLARSHIP PHIL

Totally real image of Dr. Schubert explainging nepotism at ACU and how it’s lowkey a cult

Schubert starts new venture called Phil-Anthropic

BY NOT PHIL SCHUBERT ACTUALLY NOT BUT ALSO COME TO MY. . . HIS TEDTALL

With increased fame as a result of the Instagram fan page “Finding Phil,” President of the university Dr. Phil Schubert has launched a new program called Phil-Anthropic. Schubert said that as he already makes enough money as the pres-

ident of the university, he wants to use the extra income from his Instagram fame for something bigger than himself.

“There’s only so many ACU polo shirts and khaki pants I can buy for myself, so why not use the extra money for something else,” Schubert said. “Go Wildcats.”

Phil-Anthropic is simi-

lar to TedTalk, as at every talk Schubert will explain the pipeline he experienced from being the president of an ACU fraternity all the way to being the president of the university itself. In addition, a major focus of the project is philanthropy.

At each talk, Schubert will donate a sum of money to go toward building Moody faster, because making it

all the way to the Sweet 16 still didn’t provide the funds to get it done in time for graduation.

“We’re all ready to get back in Moody for praise day and Sing Song and whatnot, so if I can do anything to give students the authentic ACU experience I will,” Schubert said. “Go Wildcats.”

Until Moody is completed, Schubert will conduct

the talks at Galaxy Park every Thursday night from 7-9 p.m.. 30 Chapel points will be provided at each talk.

Tamara Long, vice president for enrollment and student life, said the purpose behind the timing of talks and inflated chapel points is to give students something better to do than attending Guitars and Cadillacs on Thursday nights.

“We figured that the students who go out on Thursday nights are probably the ones on Chapel probation, so we wanted to offer some motivation to do something with their evening worth their time,” Long said.

The first Phil-Anthropic talk will be Thursday, April 7, the week following Sing Song.

Women of Delta Theta move into Moody to complete construction

BY A DELTA PROBABLY WEARING FLANNEL AND LIKES LOWES

With the delayed completion of Moody Coliseum, the women of Delta Theta have been called in by the construction company to aid in the construction.

The coliseum is now expected to be finished before graduation.

The contract came after compnay officials heard about the new Delta Dad rush the sorority has been hosting, and has been interested in hiring the wom-

en ever since.

It was locked in when the project manager for Moody noticed the large amount of Delta Theta stickers on car windows in the Lowes parking lot.

“I knew right then it just made sense to hire these DT girls,” said the project manager. “Clearly they know what they’re doing.”

A team of 13 Deltas began working on the project yesterday, arriving at the scene wearing flannel shirts and backwards baseball caps.

In one day, they completed what would have

taken the regular work crew 2 weeks to finish.

Kat Clover, member of Delta Theta who is helping complete the project, said the women are efficient workers and are known to move in quickly.

“It’s great to be able to come out here and just be on top,” Clover said. “Leave it to the women to actually get things finished.”

The estimated completion date is now the end of April, but at the rate the Deltas are moving, officials say it could be completed in as little as two weeks.

BY DT HISTORIAN | AHDT

A flannel-clad DT plots how to finish Moody in record time.

Coach Tanner’s head gets shinier after each men’s team victory

BY KAWNUR MILLINS BRETTE TANNER FANBOY

After being a long-time assistant to the infamous Dancing with the Stars star Joe Golding, first year head coach Brette Tanner’s bald head has gotten noticeably shinier with each of the 25 wins his team earned this year.

Tanner’s five seniors were dumbfounded when they saw Tanner’s head after beating the University of Texas-Arlington Mavericks 80-71 in overtime for their first win of the year on Nov. 16.

“I’ve known Coach Tanner for four years now and it’s never been this shiny,” senior guard Damien Daniels said.

The Wildcats rattled off ten more wins to add ten times the shine to Tanner’s head.

However, his squad fell to the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks 64-58 on Jan. 6 at the Teague Center. ACU lost again two days later 65-63 to the Sam Houston State Bearkats.

“His head was incredibly bright on our win streak and then it dimmed after the losses,” junior forward Airion Simmons said. “It was so shiny I could see my reflection and then I

couldn’t anymore so I had to ball out for coach. I love seeing myself.”

Simmons missed the trip to Grand Canyon and New Mexico State because of COVID-19 and his team lost two more Western Athletic Conference matchups without him.

“I know how much he wanted to see my head shiny again,” Tanner said. “I felt awful he couldn’t be out there to make that happen.”

Despite Simmons’ return to the lineup, the Wildcats fell 72-62 to the Seattle Redhawks on Jan. 20. The Wildcats bounced back on Jan. 22 with a 7768 win over the California Baptist Lancers at the Teague Center.

“We knew we couldn’t lose again. It brightens my day to see his bright head,” senior guard Coryon Mason said.

Tanner’s group won five more WAC matchups before losing again to the Bearkats 75-71 in overtime on Feb. 17 in Huntsville. The Wildcats then defeated the Lamar Cardinals 77-42 on Feb. 24 before dropping another to the Lumberjacks 73-71 on Feb. 26 in Nacogdoches.

“I was devastated,” senior guard Tobias Cameron said. “Practices are not fun when you’ve got

a dull-headed head coach yelling at you.”

Cameron and his team closed out the regular season defeating the Dixie State Trailblazers and the Tarleton Texans to secure the six-seed in the WAC Tournament in Las Vegas, Nev. “It felt so good to go into Vegas with some shine on coach,” senior guard Reggie Miller said.

Miller and the Wildcats then went on to win their first three games in Vegas and advanced to the WAC Championship against the one-seed New Mexico State Aggies.

“I didn’t want to see a d u l l head

again,” senior guard Mahki Morris said. “I had to go crazy in Vegas for coach and that’s what I did.”

Morris led the Wildcats into Saturday looking for a third straight NCAA Tournament berth but fell to the Aggies 66-52. Morris and Simmons made the WAC All-Tournament Team after balling out for their gleaming head coach.

The Wildcats finish the season 23-10 with Tanner’s head being 23 times brighter than at the

beginning of the season.

“These guys have changed the face of ACU basketball, Abilene Christian University, and the glossiness of my head forever,” Tanner said.

After falling to the Aggies, the Wildcats went down to the College Basketball Invitational in Daytona Beach, Fla. The Wildcats landed a six-seed and defeated the 11-seed Troy Trojans out of the Sun Belt Conference 82-

70. ACU continued to roll as they defeated the threeseed Ohio Bobcats 91-86 to advance to the CBI semifinals. The Wildcats ran out of gas against the two-seed Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders and lost 85-69.

“I was the only one of the staff smart enough to bring a hat and I’m the only one that needs a hat,” Tanner said. “Now I’m shaking off flakes from my head peeling from the sun.”