The Pessimist - April 1, 2009

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a product of the JMC

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Pg. 16 Lake monster eats joggers near ACU pond

Wednesday, April 1, 2009 :: Vol. 69, No. 1 :: 1 section, 900 pages :: www.secularfoolsatacu.com

Outside This Issue:

Pg. 5C

GATA Fountain demoted to dwarf fountain by gardening association

Pg. 19B

Pg. 6T

Terrell Owens to host servant leadership seminar

Family sues Giraffe that gropes child at Abilene Zoo

Super Clone of crowd favorites to lead daily Chapel

By Daniel Johnson-Kim Idiot in Chief

After complaints of boring Chapel programs from the student body, the office of Spiritual Formation announced a plan to use human cloning and genetic engineering to force students to put

down their cell phones and tune into Chapel.

Mark Lewis, that one guy on stage in Moody Coliseum who reads

Randy Moore

announcements, said ACU would hire South Korean scientists to combine the DNA of Dr. Steven Moore, that one dude with the suit and Cadillac, and Dr. Randy Harris, the darling of the College of Biblical Studies, to create a super clone who would lead singing and deliver the message on

stage in Moody every day.

“Students always pay attention when those guys are in charge, so we’ll just take the best of both worlds and end disinterest in Chapel for good,” the Chapel guy said.

“I dare anyone to not do the See

Clone page 3

“

I dare anyone to not do the hand motions to ‘Highways, Byways’ now...

”

:: Mark Lewis, The Chapel guy who gives the text messaging students dirty looks

Mid-Life Cage Fight

Mistakes force officials to ban student newspaper

Money to take punches from King of Nerds

Staff Report Aphter mispelling severel words and naimes in stories since 1912, the university anounced The Optimist and its student staf would not longer be alowed to print its newspaper or post story’s on the World Whide Web. The mistake that broke the camel’s back was the mispelling of Dr. John Nole Tompsun’s, dean of something or another, name in Friday’s edition of The Optimist.

“We just got so many complaints that it was time to say goodbye to the mistake-laden newspaper,” said Mr. Royce Muny, chancellor of the college.

The newspaper staf must write “I will not mispell names,” on a chalkboard 500 times in front of the student body in Chapel Wednesday and personally apolojize to Thompsun for mispelling his name. Students who have had their names mispelled will also get to publicly ridicule the staf members and mispronounce their naims on purpose in front of the entire student body.

Student’s, faculty and

By Dannielle Jackson-Kwong Liberal Elitist Hack

CEO and co-founder of Apple, Steve Jobs, will go head-to-head with Dr. Royce Money, president of the university, in an Ultimate Fighting Championship-style cage match in Moody Coliseum on Wednesday.

Jobs, a closet UFC fanatic, proposed the battle as one of several matches to market the release of the Apple iPhone software update and the ACU’s Mobile Learning Initiative. If Money pins Jobs, he will win a lifetime supply of black turtlenecks and free iPhones for every ACU student for the rest of eternity.

Although a K.O. could be expensive for Jobs, he said he plans to dispense of Money and garner the recognition to earn a long-awaited title shot against reigning Silicon Valley UFC Champion Bill Gates.

“There is no way I’m going to lose,” Jobs said.

Money said he is participating simply for the prize to enhance the learning experience for the endless numbers of future students that would benefit from an iPhone, and he is looking to the Gospels to shape his strategy.

“Remember the story of Jesus when he turned the tables in the temple; yeah, it is going to be something like that,” Money said.

John Brute, junior exercise science major from Dallas, said he has watched every mixed martial arts video on the Internet, and with some proper training, Money has the build and stamina to win.

“I’ve got my money on the Prez,” Brute said.

“

Nobedy read that piece of junk they call a newspaper anyway. :: George Perfection, fresh-

man English major who admits to being one of those guys who corrects his friends’ grammar in the middle of a conversation

”

staff applauded the university’s decision to remove the newspaper.

“Nobedy read that piece of junk they call a newspaper,” said George Perfection, who admitted to being one of the annoying guys who corrects his friends’ grammar in the middle of a conversation.

Imbussal in Chief, Daniel Johnson-Kim, was embarrased by the myriad of mistakes filling his rag of a newspaper, and confessed that he was illiterate. Johnson-Kim said he would withdraw from See

Mistakes page 4

E-mail the reporter at fakeaddress@gmail.com

Co-ed hall built to quiet rumors of cootie epidemic

By Tanner Anderson Foul Smelling Fool

Thousands of alumni said they are outraged and shocked

by ACU’s decision to create a co-ed residence hall; however,

if students want to live in the new gender friendly facility next year, they will be required to follow certain rules.

“First of all, we felt this step was necessary to shun any rumors of the evidence of coo-

ties,” said John Delony, director of Residence Life Education and Housing. “Many students brought us concerns regarding cooties, and we wanted to reassure them that cooties only affect males and females under

the age of 10 and students at Harding University… we hope.”

Regardless of the cootie scare, Delony said students who are interested in living in the progressive residence hall must fill out a contract and

memorize specific rules.

One of the major rules is the dress code. As soon as both male and female students enter the residence hall, they must pick up and put on their assigned parka jackets and surgi-

cal masks and wear them while inside their rooms.

To qualify for the co-ed living facility, students must wear at least 10 ‘What Would Jesus See Circle Circle Dot Dot page 4

Campus slobs unite to form Indoor Club

By Jozie Sands The one who won’t leave

Jozie Sans Serif :: staff picture taker Megan Munchies and Easy-Cheeze Evan take a load off during the first official meeting of the Indoor Club on Monday.

ACU WEATHER

?

?

?

1999

Tuesday

Sunday

High: 99 Low: -1

High: 10 Low: 89

Up: Sky Down: ground

The office of Student Life recently sanctioned a new student group on campus that will provide students a fresh opportunity to stay uninvolved: the Indoor Club.

The club’s founders say it is for students who hate fresh air and enjoy stuffing themselves with junk food or sitting still for hours with-

out accomplishing anything.

“The Indoor Club is a great opportunity to meet people on campus, and my involvement in the club will look great on my résumé,” said club founder Brandon Zilch, senior lethargy major from the middle of nowhere. “All we really do is sit on the couch and debate about who has to stand up to change the channel. I hope it’s not my turn at this week’s meeting.”

Zilch said the Indoor Club

hopes prospective members and students interested will join its Facebook group, ‘We get tired thinking about exercise.’ The group will have a small group Chapel via Web cam Thursday.

The club also plans to sponsor a naptime open to every member of the student body.

The event will take place in various beds in residence halls, houses and apartments around campus. The nap will begin 15

minutes after students realize they accidently slept through their 9:30 a.m. classes.

“I can’t wait to get started,” said Joseph Idle, freshman polysomnography major from Sluggishville. “I already broke in a bean bag chair, and my mom bought me a trunk full of junk food; this is the best club ever.”

Don’t e-mail us, we never check it

Offline Poll :

acupessimist.com

Do you think this is funny?

a. Yes. b. No. c. Es gracioso. d. I challenge you to a duel!

acuoptimist.com Department of Bias and Miscommunication ::

Abilene Christian University

::

Serving up horrible jokes since 1932

Liberal Media Bias Page

Page 2

Page 2 Friday, April 1, 2009

Team 55 outsourced overseas to cut loaded budget

By Colter Hettich Killer Headache

The automotive and banking industries have received outsourcing at the local level, but no blue-collared workers have taken more of hit than those who work at Team 55.

Beginning April 5, all incoming calls to the Team 55 main line will ring in Shanklabah, India.

Roaming Telecomputers, Inc., 2009 recipient of the International Dialers Association Golden Finger award, will handle all incoming calls for Team 55 and provide computer assistance via telephone.

The move to outsource could not have come at a better time for Team 55 employee Doyle Stroganoff, freshman communication major from Baird.

“I hate my job,” Stroganoff said. “I never want to see a computer again.”

Others, such as Marla Tulu, who cannot bear the thought

of leaving their laptops, plan to continue their work. Tulu already has purchased her ticket to Shanklabah and said she hopes her 35 backup handsets and 110 feet of emergency copper wiring will not raise any red flags.

“I think I’m going to like India; I loved Slumdog Millionaire,” Tulu said. “I just hope they don’t make you dance at all the train stations.”

Roaming, Inc., will staff more than half a dozen individuals at three answering stations. On the surface, Roaming’s staff numbers could appear laughable at best; but, Aditi Abhiprithi, shift manager at Roaming, Inc., and Thursday’s donut crew captain, designed and patented a phone-answering technique he claims will revolutionize the industry.

The idea came to Abhiprithi as he watched British Parliament on BBC.

“That’s when I realized that being on hold was a thing of the past,” Abhiprithi said. “If they don’t wait their turn to speak, why should we? Plus, the hold music sucks.”

Abhiprithi’s new system, tentatively titled “The Bullhorn Method,” will place all callers on one of three speakerphones. The system operates under the assumption that at least two people at any given time have the same question. If a caller’s question is not being answered when they enter the fray, they can learn useful information about troubleshooting their phone while screaming their question into the receiver.

Courtesy of Team 55 E-mail the reporter at: optimist@acu.edu

A group of newly hired Team 55 employees in Shanklabah, India pose on their first day of work as the Team 55 computer help line for Abilene Christian University. The native indians were trained in Church of Christ traditions.

Blackberry-lover expelled for dissing Mobile Initiative

By Sondra Rodriguez Ms. Time Management

ACU expelled a freshman Monday after he suggested his Blackberry was a better cell phone than the iPhone ACU gave him for the Mobile Learning Initiative.

Students overheard Brad Barker, freshman accounting major from Atlanta, say his iP-

hone was a “piece of junk that [his] Blackberry could dominate in Silent mode,” and the Mobile Learning Initiative “would have actually gone somewhere if the university had chosen technology that worked.”

Barker denied the claims, but was silenced when Lisa Edlesberg, sophomore journalism major from Acron, revealed a tape recording of

the whole conversation. At the time Barker had made his remarks, Edlesberg was testing her new tape recorder for her Basic News class, while eating lunch in the “World Famous Bean.”

Edlesberg took her recording to the proper authorities and revealed who she identified as a “traitor on our campus.”

University officials immediately took the recording to Dr. Royce Money, president of the university.

“We do not have room on our campus for doubters of the iPhone initiative,” Money said.

After listening to the recording several times, Money called Barker out of class, told him to pack his belongings and leave Abilene within 24 hours.

Money said he will conduct a Chapel forum Friday in which he will address the student body about the event.

He said he hopes students will see this as a warning and learn to respect the Mobile Learning Initiative as a part of the university. He also will introduce a new line in the ACU Alma Mater that will act as a tribute to the initiative.

The forum is worth two Chapel credits, and any prayer requests for Blackberry lovers must be sent to the Chapel office by Thursday at 5 p.m.

E-mail the reporter at: optimist@acu.edu

Hairy men model for nude drawing class Money to change

name due to sour economic climate

By Sondra Rodriguez Ms. Time Management

The Department of Art and Design has incorporated a new learning tool into its fall 2009 curriculum – nude figure drawing.

The University approved a the new class only if the nude models were male and each had at least 86 percent of their bodies covered in hair.

Professors in the art department considered the idea of a hair-everywhere policy when a two-year college in Sweetwater adopted the practice in fall 2007. Professors brought the idea to the administration in fall 2008 with little expectations, and the university did not deliver its answer until right before the spring semester began.

Dr. Jack Maxwell, you know the guy who created Jacob’s Dream, said he thought the use of nudity in art classes will exemplify the beauty of the human form and will teach the ACU community that bodies are beautiful temples that do not need to be hidden, or shaved.

The models selected by the art department were all unemployed and had been unfortunate in the world of runway modeling because of certain physical characteristics that were deemed unacceptable.

None of the models wished to comment on these characteristics, but all were grateful to ACU for the opportunity to pose nude for the betterment of art students’ craft.

However, some students in the department who will be forced to participate in nude figure drawing have protested.

Blair Nakee, sophomore art

By Daniel Jordan-Ken Bystander in Chief

Due to the recent economic downturn, Dr. Royce Money, president of the university, said he plans to legally change his name as a sign that ACU needs its core of donors to dig deeper this year.

Money said ACU lost more than $55 million of its endowment in the stock market decline of 2008, and by changing his name from Royce Money to “Royce Mooch,” he said it will show the world that ACU is an educational institution that relies on rich donors to uphold the high-quality education it delivers.

“Budget adjustments are important, but name adjustments are necessary,” Money said in a prepared statement.

the university and re-enroll in grade school.

“Maybe I can learn good words, and talk like smart people,” Johnson-Kim said.

Newspaper adviser Kenneth Pibus, associate professor of liberal media bias,

E-mail the reporter at: optimist@acu.edu

Clone: Professors forced to give up DNA sample Continued from page 1 ZZ Zeinert :: punk rock princess

Hairy Jones strikes a pose while art students sketch him during the new nude figure drawing class in the Department of Art and Design. Only men with 86 percent of their bodies covered in hair are allowed to model nude. major from Houston, dropped the class during the first day when a model removed his Snoopy boxer shorts.

Although students did draw the model, the majority of the class followed Nakee’s example after finding hair in

their pencil cases weeks after the start of the semester.

E-mail the reporter at: optimist@acu.edu

Mistakes: Editor in Chief says he cannot read Continued from page 1

Money said he hopes all students, faculty and staff with names that may be misappropriated with prosperity will follow his lead and adjust their handles to suit the recent economic conditions in the country.

“You know things are going bad with the economy when ‘Money’ is leaving ACU,” said Richie Rich, an expert on names with allusions to financial security.

Dr. Jack Rich, one of 300 vice presidents at ACU, said he plans to mirror Money’s decision and also change his affluent last name.

“It’s not 2007 anymore,” said Rich, no relation to Richie. “We can’t let people think names like ‘Money’ and ‘Rich’ mean we don’t need donations anymore.”

blamed the students for all of the mistakes and said when he was a student the Optimist was a credible source of campus nuws.

“I blame technology,” Pibus said while playing with his iPhone. “Back in my day we had typewriters, and we were forced to memorize every

word in the Inglish language.

Today all they do is type something in The Google and they write whatever they want.”

Pibus said he was going to confront the students about the mistakes, but they refused to admit when they were wrong.

“I just hope we don’t get

sued for libel,” Pibus said. “By the way that Johnson-Kim is a corrupt, no-good baby-hater who smells and talks like a caveman. Make sure you print the lies I just said.”

E-mail the reporter at: optimist@acu.edu

hand motions to ‘Highways, Byways’ now!”

Although Harris and Moore protested the use of their DNA simply for the sake of Chapel, the university threatened to terminate the tenureless professors’ positions on the faculty. Moore said Lewis and a group of students who lead songs everyone is tired of singing cornered the English professor in a bathroom in the Hardin Administration Building. He tried to escape the “Praise Punks” but eventually gave into their demands and gave them a sample of his saliva on a cotton swab.

“I had no choice,” Moore said.

Harris said Lewis pricked him with a needle while he

took a drink from a water fountain in the Campus Center. When he immediately questioned Lewis about the vile of blood he took, Harris said Lewis kept saying, “What blood?” while hiding the sample behind his back like a 5-year-old on a playground.

An angry mob of students and faculty united to protest the university-sanctioned cloning, which they call an unnatural procedure that defiles God’s creation.

But Lewis said when the “Randy Moore” captivates the student body with a theological conundrum and then proceeds to lead This Little Light of Mine, all that ethical stuff will blow over.

E-mail the reporter at: optimist@acu.edu

Fair and Balanced Page

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Page 3

Campus Doofus elections begin

By Kelline Linton Comma Splice

Zak Zeinert :: chief picture clicker

Tray Flipp, sixth-year freshman, purposely failed several classes and skipped Chapel to be eligible to run for the Campus Doofus award.

Students can pick up petitions to enter the Campus Doofus elections in the Campus Center beginning Friday.

In order to be eligible for the position of Campus Doofus, students must be on academic, Chapel and conduct probation.

The positions also are open to students who received a failing grade in Lifetime Wellness.

Tray Flipp, sixth-year freshman, said he purposely failed several classes and skipped a majority of Chapels to be eligible to win the coveted title of Campus Doofus. Flipp said it was difficult to ruin his good grades to be put on academic probation, but the trouble of missed classes and late papers was worth it.

Flipp’s competition for Campus Doofus, Dan Lewell, exercise science major from Minneola, Fla., is a sixth-year senior who failed Lifetime Wellness twice.

“Of course I will run for Campus Doofus; I am the greatest slacker at ACU,” he said. “How can people not vote for me?”

Lewell, who also failed University seminar three times, said he will run for Campus Doofus again this year after defeating Shelby Gordam, who received more than 20 tickets for parking in a faculty parking lot before realizing she was not a member of the faculty, last year.

“I hope Shelby is not running again this year,” Finley said.

“I’m stupid, but sadly not that stupid. I got lucky last time.”

E-mail Aunt Jemima for a good time

Zak Zeinert :: photoshop fiend

Anthony Finley, the incumbent Campus Doofus who has failed every exercise science class he has taken, hopes to retain his office.

Pre-Welcome Center to be built in front of Welcome Center

By Colter Hettich Killer Headache

The latest addition to the ACU campus, the Bob and Shirley Hunter Welcome Center, has received widespread praise for its aesthetics, refreshments and hearty handshakes. But the center’s effectiveness opened the door for a problem the administration never expected: a skyrocketing demand for hospitality.

Early morning lines, which

often stretch from the center’s entrance to the Brown Library, have become increasingly violent. Campus law enforcement has reported more than a dozen incidents of students hurling their bodies against the glass doors in attempts to set just one foot inside the new building.

Chris Sonreir, ACU smile and voice coach and former WCW heavyweight champion, said the symptoms are

serious, but the university is faced with the best type of problem.

“You can’t be too welcome,” Sonreir said. “Have you ever felt too welcome?

It just doesn’t happen.”

In order to accommodate the growing need and prevent future welcome-related injuries, ACU will begin construction on the Mi Casa, Tu Casa Pre-Welcome Center next week. The name stems from the traditional Spanish

saying “mi casa es tu casa,” or “my house is your house.”

Students wishing to enter the Bob and Shirley Hunter Welcome Center must have the appropriate bracelet in their possession. To receive a bracelet, individuals must pass through the Pre-Welcome Center, which authorities said they hope subconsciously will prepare them for concentrated exposure.

“Everyone needs to feel wanted,” said Dr. Givvmi A.

ACU bans outdoor guitar playing

By Lydia Melby

Hug, emotional psychologist from the Czech Republic.

“When some people find that feeling, it triggers a chemical reaction in the parietal lobe of the brain — not unlike the chemical reaction triggered by methamphetamines or Lays potato chips.”

The only way to combat this dangerous reaction is to condition the brain, exposing it to low levels of welcome for two to three minutes before entering a more

potent environment. The Pre-Welcome Center aims to do just that. Although the administration has not revealed any of the PreWelcome Center’s content, the development office hinted at the possibility of mariachi bands, chocolate fondue fountains and make-your-own-tiedye-T-shirt stations.

Don’t e-mail; the inbox is full

Cat stew souprises famished students

Bra-Burning Feminist

By Tanner Anderson One of the annual signs of spring will be absent from the ACU campus beginning in spring 2009. The university implemented a new policy prohibiting male students from playing acoustic guitars and crooning love songs to no one in particular or bringing puppies onto campus to play on the mall lawn.

The ban is effective immediately.

“I just think that is the next step in the natural progression of making the campus nicer, neater and overall, better,” said Dr. Royce Money, president of the university. “I do not think anyone likes being greeted by kids singing to a badly tuned guitar when they are on their way to the ‘World Famous Bean’.”

The new policy will create ‘song spots,’ places on or around campus where amateur singing will be allowed, to compensate for students who cannot keep the music in, but these areas are second in priority to the creation of ad kiosks. The university has not set a specific date for the sanctioning of these ‘song spots.’

World’s Strongest Man

Zak Zeinert :: snapshot queen

A group of desperate freshmen simultaneosly solo while playing Wonderwall outside of Mabee Hall. The university banned all “crooning love songs” from being played in public to prevent losers like these guys from meeting women.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said David Romeoto, freshman marriage and family studies major from Paduca. “Maybe someone just wants to sing and play their guitar when it’s

nice outside. Maybe I just want to make some friends, get my name out there or meet a nice girl. What’s so wrong with that, you know?”

The policy does not prevent

students from singing love songs in the privacy of their own residence hall rooms.

E-mail the reporter if you really really want

Students say the “World Famous Bean” is the cat’s meow after ACU’s recent hiring of world renowned French culinary Einstein, chef Bow Ardee.

In addition to an array of dishes, Ardee’s new secret creation has some students raving; the dish’s name is Wildcat Soup.

“I’ve always loved his ravioli, and his new soup is even better,” said Daniel Johnson-Kim, editor in chief of the Optimist. “Whenever I get extremely sad or aggravated with my incompetent staff, I run to the Bean, order the soup and eat my feelings away.”

After a five-hour interview, the chef still refused to share his gastronomic recipe.

“Si vous voulez connaître la recette de la soupe, je vais vous la dire, vous ennuyeux journaliste incompetent qui sent mauvais: j’utilise les chats,” Ardee said.

Meanwhile, a new position has been fashioned to take care of the stray cat problem

on campus. Dusty Bottoms, a cattle wrangler who constantly has a horseshoe in his mouth, has taken on the office of chief cat herder.

“I tell you what,” Bottoms said. “If there needs to be some animal that need wranglin, you better believe I’ll get the job done. I don’t care if it be some cattle or a new-born feline; cuz ropin is my business, and business is good.”

Bottoms said his “wrangling” begins at 7 a.m., and after he rounds up all of his cats for the day, he takes them to a holding area right next to the “World Famous Bean.”

“Folks around here may think that stampedes are only caused by large critters; they’re wrong,” Bottoms said. “Just the other day, my pardner, Lucky Draw, was trampled by wild hamsters in El Paso.

There needs to be regulation in every town, and I’m the man to do it.”

E-mail your friends, see what they think

Nursery school games to replace controversial pledging activities

By Michael Freeman The Free Man

After some students raised concerns of hazing last year, several social clubs recently have changed their pledging policies.

The changes are meant to combat negative stereotypes about pledging by introducing more welcoming and safer activities.

Gamma Sigma Phi will invite its pledges to play in a friendly game of duck-duck-goose instead of holding watermelons over their heads for hours on end. However, some potential pledges are worried about the change.

“I’m afraid I won’t get picked because I don’t wash my hair,” said Tommy Messier, freshman exercise science major from Hygiene, Colo. “I don’t like the community showers in Mabee

Hall. So what am I supposed to do?”

Members from GSP have assured Messier he will be able to clean his greasy head when he lives in Barret Hall next year, where rooms have private bathrooms.

Galaxy also is changing its policy by dropping its calisthenics routine and adding a less strenuous workout: a game of Mother May I?

“We got complaints from guys about sweating too much last year,” said Jonathan Gland, junior psychology major from Sun City, Ariz., and Galaxy member. “We’ll be playing indoors next year, so everyone should be happy.”

Women’s social clubs also will enforce some new pledging policies. Alpha Kai Omega will encourage its pledges to date men from clubs other than

Frater Sodalis. Ko Jo Kai will not require its pledges to respect Kojie Park, but instead allow them to treat the park with any feeling they choose. And GATA will get rid of its red club color to cater to pledges who prefer other lipstick shades.

“You can wear any lipstick color: pink, purple, black,” said Sharon Smiley, senior English major from Rosetown Creek, Penn., and GATA member.

“Anyone is welcome in GATA, even Goth chicks.”

Members of Sub T-16 said they did not care about changing their policies — or policies in general for that matter.

E-mail Man-Droid 100110014 for more

More Bad Jokes Page

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

SA proves legitimacy by passing resolution

By Kelline Linton Grammar Nazi

The Students’ Association Congress overwhelmingly passed a resolution 42-1-2 in its Wednesday meeting, urging the student body to stop saying Congress members do not do anything.

Junior senators Brandon Thompson and Samantha Flax, who co-wrote the resolution, said this legislation was a turning point for SA Congress.

“See, we pass resolutions!” Thompson said.

Dr. Jeff Arrington, associate dean of Student Life and Congress adviser, advised Congress to close the meeting to the public because the resolution was of a sensitive nature, but SA President Sara Pollis overruled his suggestion.

“Let’s not waste time in voting to close this meeting,” she said. “Let’s pass this resolution and get out of here; American Idol starts soon, and I don’t want to miss it.”

The majority of Congress members agreed with

her, vocally applauding for American Idol competitor Adam Lambert.

“He is so hot,” COBA rep.

Chrissy Glen said. “If I miss his performance, I will resign from Congress.”

During the debate of the resolution, Gardner Hall rep.

Lindsey Satchel said the legislation was “fluff.”

“This resolution is ridiculous,” she said. “Passing this is way too silly.”

After being booed by several Congress members, Satchel quickly sat down, and Pollis called a vote.

“I am glad Congress voted for this resolution,” Pollis said. “If any students complain to me about us not doing anything, I’m going to give them a copy of this resolution.”

She also said SA plans to post the resolution on the door to the SA Congress office and to place copies strategically throughout the campus.

Don’t bother to e-mail Linton

WOW to be added as NCAA sport

By Earl Karr Level 80 Paladin

ACU announced Monday the popular online game World of Warcraft will be the next NCAA sport added to the school’s already diverse athletic department.

Coaches are calling on technology students and anyone who has cancelled a date to play a computer game for more than 12 hours.

The ACU athletic department also will offer scholarships to the top three WOW players at ACU. To be eligible for the team, students must have little to no social life, a willingness to forgo health and bodily grooming and the ability to stay awake for extended periods of time.

Applicants also need to be able to dish out more than 2k + damage per second for melee or ranged casters and posses 2k + unbuffed spell power for healers, and tank class applicants must be uncritable with more than 26k hit points.

ACU will choose recipients of the scholarships not just on skill, but also on how they conduct themselves in a Christian manner, according to school policy. In short,

Zak Zeinert :: Punk Rock Princess

Students gather as part of their private World of Warcraft club and practice in preparation for their upcoming tryouts for the newest NCAA team at ACU. cursing, rough language and cat calls about other players’ mothers during team matches will result in disqualification or a revoking of a scholarship. Due to issues with maturity levels, players of the Alliance faction need not apply.

“Finally a chance to show my mother and the world that I’m good for more than just Friday evenings alone in the basement,” said James Southerland,

Hunchback found living in Tower

By Heather Leiphart The Eager Beaver

ACU Police discovered a man with a hump on his back attempting to break into the Campus Center on Sunday night. The man claims to have lived at the top of the Tower of Light for 15 years.

Freddy Pinkletonberger, 34, said rejection by his love during Welcome Week in 1994 caused him to sink into seclusion, and he hoped to get early tickets for Casanova Week this semester to win her back.

“That day, I was walking to Chapel alone as usual. She walked right up to me and grabbed my hand, then cheerfully hummed hymns as we continued,” Pinkeltonberger said. “Exactly 15 minutes later, in front of [the tower], I took off my sunglasses to check my watch. She glanced up at me, then blushed deeply and hurried away. I haven’t seen her since.”

He said the look on her face caused him to scramble up the tower and stay there for more than a decade. Throughout the years, he developed a large growth and severe curvature of the spine from peering down to watch passersby.

Last week, he overheard students discussing Casanova Week and incorrectly

assumed it began Monday.

He finally gathered courage to climb down for the tickets on the 15th year of his exile, a symbol of their 15 minutes together, Pinkeltonberger said.

He also said he commemorates his love by ringing bells every quarter hour and playing hymns before each Chapel.

“We just thought someone installed an electronic system back in ’94,” said Dr. Royce Money, president of the university.

The ACU Police searched the tower to verify Pinkeltonberger’s story and found several piles of pigeon bones and remnants of crickets, along with what appeared to be discarded love notes.

Pinkeltonberger said now he is back on his feet, he will not rest until he finds his love.

“She was the most beautiful brunette; it was like we had known each other forever,” said Pinkeltonberger, brushing away a tear. “I know she’s still out there somewhere. Esmeralda, my soulmate.”

Esmeralda was unavailable for comment because she was vacationing with Quasimodo.

Bra-Burning Feminist

Several ACU students were rushed to Hendrick Medical Center on Sunday night after a massive brawl outside the Biblical Studies Building. Others involved were arrested.

Jimmy Ellison, chief of the ACU Police Department, would not release the names or exact number of students arrested because the investigation is ongoing.

The fracas allegedly stemmed from a disagreement between two women who both wanted to be married in Chapel on the Hill on the same date. Both women,

Terry Franks and Sally Lints, deny the claim.

“That would be stupid; why would we even bother to fight over something like the Chapel on the Hill?” said Franks, senior speech pathology major from Charleston, N.C. “My parents can afford to rent a much bigger, better place for my wedding.”

Lints, senior Biblical studies major from San Antonio, said she had reserved the Chapel almost three years before and should not have to give up her dream wedding due to a scheduling error.

“It’s not like it should be that big of a deal for her, you know?” Lints said. “My parents and grandparents

said. “You either have to go big or go home.”

Gaming students across campus are abuzz with excitement about this new development in the athletic arena.

“I had a WOW party online to celebrate the ACU decision,” Southerland said.

“All my friends showed up, and our characters danced for two hours straight.”

Find Earl’s WOW character online

Co-ed: STD reading part of application Do’ bracelets on each arm, while reading Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkin’s book series Left Behind and another required book titled Life’s Always Better Without STDs. Joe Schmoe, sophomore English major from Lubbock, is known for giving creepy backrubs and awkward hugs around campus and said he is looking for-

ward to moving into the new co-ed residence hall.

“It’ll be neat to live with individuals who have a different chromosome,” Schmoe said. “It’ll give me more chances to improve on my back scratching skills and my overall goal to become the creepiest guy on campus.”

Probably can’t be reached

Guitarist arrested for

playing at Chapel

By Zak Zeinert Blink 182 Wannabe

Freddy Pinkletonberger peers down from his perch atop the ACU Tower of Light after ringing the Chapel bells.

Brides brawl over wedding reservation

By Lydia Melby

junior accounting major from Memphis, Tenn.

Barrett Lawson, junior biology major from Denton, is a blood stone captain for the Horde and plans on applying for the WOW team.

“This new sport isn’t to be taken lightly. Online gaming is a serious up-and-coming sport, involving eye-hand coordination, conditioning, stamina and split-second decision-making,” Lawson

Continued from page 1

Heather Leiphart :: staff photographer Leiphart also unavailable for comment

Page 4

and great-grandparents and most of my family have been married in that chapel, and she’s only a second-generation ACU student. It’s the principle of the thing.”

Ellison speculated other underlying causes also contributed to the riot.

“The two groups involved in this altercation are affiliated with certain campus social clubs that have a history of rivalry,” he said. “I’m sure that had something to do with how violent it got.”

Ellison also said the ACU Police got a heads up from students who were invited to a Facebook event, titled ‘Rumble Tonight: ACU style,’ but decided it was a hoax

like the rumored shootings at Wal-Mart.

The fight, which Ellison estimated involved about 60 female students, allegedly was recorded and has become an instant viral video hit.

“It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before, like the Sharks and the Jets or something, without the singing and dancing,” said a male student who asked his name not be released. “I mean, I made that call [to the ACU Police] and then I ran. Stuff like this makes me want to never get married.”

Contact at your own risk: may have rabies

Police arrested an ACU student for playing his guitar during worship in Chapel on Friday.

Tommy Tune, freshman music major from Graceland, said he simply was playing along on his axe when people began to give him angry looks.

“I just wanted to amplify my love for God through my guitar,” Tune said. “I know that Jesus still loves me even though what I did was technically a sin.”

The incident happened during Friday’s Chapel in the midst of a heartfelt rendition of Days of Elijah. Students were worshipping as usual when many of them began to hear an unwelcome twang coming from Section A. “It was like nails on a chalkboard,” said Sophie Hymnal, sophomore Bible major from Abilene.

Jimmy Ellison, chief of the newly formed Sin Patrol, was the first to report to the scene.

“We got the call, and as soon as I got there, I knew it was bad,” Ellison said. “People were staring, and I could tell that some students were deeply offended.”

Ellison immediately apprehended the student before calling for backup.

“I felt like I was in over my head and that I couldn’t take him down alone,” Ellison said.

Tune was handcuffed and transported to the ACU Police headquarters where he currently is being kept without bail.

The principles of the Church of Christ on which ACU is founded strictly prohibit any form of worship with instruments. Already students and faculty have publicly lashed out at the unforgivable act.

“I think it is abominable,” said Holly Erthanthow, sophomore marketing major from Denton. “I came to ACU to get a proper Christian education and I can’t do that with sinners like him around.”

Others said they think Tune’s peers should take the proper Christian route and forgive him.

“What would Jesus do, man?” said Johnny Tsunami, senior undeclared major from Wakupakutiku.

Tune’s trial is scheduled for Dec. 21, 2012, at which point his fate will be decided.

E-mail Zeinert at: imsocool@gmail.com