GUIDE TO IMMORTALITY
NOTES FROM THE BOWELS OF DISGUST
THE WHITE HOTEL GUIDE TO IMMORTALITY: NOTES FROM THE BOWELS OF DISGUST Story by Austin Collings Art by Annie Leader
CONTENTS CLUTCHING RECIPE BEAT LES MOLE PEOPLE ICKE AGE MEMPHIS EYE ON GOD EXTRACTS
1-2 3-4 5-6 7-8 9-10 11-12 13-14 15-16
THIS IS A BEGINNE GUIDE T CLUTCH AT STRA
A ER’S TO HING AWS…
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TWH RECIPE FOR IMMORTALITY To begin: forget yourself. Home is where you hang your hangover. Leave it there. Next, breathe slowly, carefully gathering your scattered senses from the fallout of last night/ this morning; rearrange the damaged shards like Columbo on a murderous afternoon; the panic that you’re feeling will pass. Then again, you may die tonight with blood in your ears, bugle in your system and nothing in your pocket but alas everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. Prehistoric man used to die at the sight of an eclipse. One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things. Then slowly, with meticulous pride, drag the bugle-blood-snot from your nose like a drowned/bludgeoned corpse from a Thai beach, enter your four digits into the hole in the wall, release your spends and check in again at THE WHITE HOTEL. Walk through the smoke and let the damage begin (again). The following ingredients can be ingested or absorbed in any order but we advise the gungho approach: it’s all or nothing down at TWH.
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INGESTED ABSORBED GUNG-HO SENSES DESTINATION
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Ingredients: Bag of drugs of your choice, preferably paid for by a mate. We’re all at our best when we’re spending other people’s dough. 3 ½ 00\0 + 2 grams of deranged bravery. It takes guts to get fucked. A dose of Nova & Neil. The sound of war never sounded so special. An ocean of booze (best served from below/at ankle-height by The Mole People) Cigarettes (optional). Human chimneys are always welcome at TWH. Ability to avoid falling into The Pit. Keen interest in visuals that range from severed animals spliced into burning buildings and Harmony Korine dancing in the street wearing a pink dress. 50 ½ 00009 ½ 0000000 grams of a sense of humour (rare to find these days but never in short supply at TWH) Timeless dance moves. Anything goes at TWH. 100,0 (eat Chips\0) 0,002,00\0,2 grams of Brutal Honesty. Find what you love and let it kill you. This is the key to immortality. Season to taste.
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BEAT LES EXIT SKELETOR Side: A The Icke Age West of Memphis (Soul) Clark Griswold Olly Murs Murderer (s) Stan’s Black Slab Side B: Danny’s Dad We Are Good People Exit Skeletor Carpet World 11% Battery Female Art The No Plan Man Ape’s Dominate My Decade of Dreams. Bonus CD instrumental: (X) Evil Soler (Christian Hedge-Fund Tax Relief Mix) Album Mixed: 23 Cromwell St, Gloucester, England. Produced by: OXO-MORON. PARRICIDE RECORDS. Dedicated to: Lester Les and Lady Die. LES-A’s favourite sound: ‘My mums whip.’
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SIDE: THE I WEST CLAR
GUIDE TO IMMORTALITY
NOTES FROM THE BOWELS OF DISGUST
Story by Austin Collings Art by Annie Leader
Written by Austin Collings Artwork By Annie Leader
THE ICKE AGE
Lyrics by BEAT & LES-A Music by Tony Mortimer
Fuck the bills and the bailiffs/I’m on skunk/and failing/to comprehend/the end/question?/is this cafe latte/the work of the lluminati? On and on/ they’ve all gone cons’/ in the Icke age The twin towers/ were never twins/ but the chemtrails of Dylan’s Idiot Wind/ ask The Man/ and ask D. Blaine about M.McCann/ the Icke age is five years away/we got five years/it’s 2001/we got five years and everything’s gone cons’/ there was nothing weird/about JFK/Lady Di/ or Shergar/ I’ll say On and on/they’ve all gone cons/ in the Icke age
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&
Monster Munch diminished/Lurpak unspreadable/ milks a killer/killed Dodi/hard to swallow/inedible/ incredible/ I’m having it IT killed Pennywise/all that childhood past/never happened/never flashed before our eyes/ kids SKYPE-ing their future selves/out of boredom/high on Haribo/watched by E.Snowden On and on/they’ve all gone cons’/ in the Icke age What are Yewtree doing in my tree?/I’m only three/ On fire/500 galaxies/Trumped and towered/how much does it cost to watch a rent boy cower?/ stock the market/eat the poor/wank your auntie/ and kiss the floor/of the rich and horny On and on/they’ve all gone cons/ in the Icke age
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WEST OF MEMPHIS SOUL Lyrics by BEAT & LES-A Music by Liberace Chips and pea-do’s/ lake blood and treble denim/ we’re in the same old hole/ goth kid leaches leaching dad’s dole/ take a sharp right/ and a sharp knife/ you’re alone here in the wild wild west of Memphis soul I’m wide awake on TV death row/cell 0-0-0/ wide awake I ache/ drowning in this abysstake/ of my west of Memphis soul I’m what’s-his-name?/ Poison Penn in Dead Man Walking/ Eastwood-Lancaster-traz/ No Peter Baldwin/ Free Diedre Barlow/ The West-Weatherfield of Memphis One/ blood in the lake/sinking in the abyss-take/of venom/ here’s a clue/ he wore treble denim/ cold and old/ a loose killer/in my west of Memphis soul
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Dial up internet/ slow as the post/ beheadings and weddings/ and blood on the bedding/ the Beddingfields lived here/ Daniel and ‘tash/ Natasha got herpes/ from a mutt with a rash/ Daniel went rent-boy/ Joe Buckluck/ car-jacks and begging/ West of the badlands/ a ghost in treble denim/who’s to know who grows old/here in the wild west of Memphis soul I’m done sleeping/ in off-peak zones/ radioactive monolith/ phone totem-poles/ caravan parks/ mini-marts/ council scheme sinkholes/ panel beater yards/ a man named Gluvver wants to clean out my drain/ I’m in the suicide penthouse/ ordering tram-pagne/ and blow/ the end is night now/ black skies/ and time gentlemen please/for my wild west of Memphis soul.
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WE’LL KEEP AN EYE ON GOD Lyrics by BEAT & LES-A Music by Jan Hammer We’ll keep an eye on God/ Make sure he eats his brekkie/ we’ll keep an eye on God/ make sure he pays his ‘leccy/ We’ll keep an eye on God/ the big daft sod.
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²µ
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EXTRACT’S FROM BIG LES’S BOOK OF DREAMS PUBLISHED BY BUNDY BOOKS Dream 9 I was in my friend’s house and I was trying to find my stuff but then she got really upset that I was in her room without asking so I said: ‘I’m really sorry’ and then I left because I fancied going to a dance class so yeah I’ll go ballet so I was walking down a normal street - it could have been anywhere - but the dance class was in the sky. It was pretty easy to get there. I just had to climb up these huge huge ladders - ropey ladders - really really dangerous. Got up there and you can’t sit down - you had to hold on to the floor - it was weird - there was nothing you can compare it to - this woman was
teaching us moves but she didn’t get it didn’t get it at all - so I just thought: ‘FUCK THIS’ - but I was too scared to climb back down because I didn’t want to die but I ended up going down anyway. So I got down and I was walking round town but instead of the art gallery being there it was a pit with all my friends from school pilling their heads off and we were all throwing stuff at each other. I remember a few knives, a few screwdrivers - loads of mad shit - but no-one got hurt.
BIG LES in space and how to get there: Dip tip of finger in some water. Place it on the glue bit of a Rizla: the bit in the corner. Close your eyes. Then you’re blasted into space. I remember getting there but not getting in a rocket. Me and my sisters got there
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within 5 minutes of each other. When we landed on the moon we were all facing the sun - which is obviously really bright - too bright - so we had a walk around instead.
¼ Dream 96 I was at a friend’s house that’s quite familiar. I knew I’d been there before in a dream - so me and my friend Ciara - who I’ve known for 10 years - she was like: “Me and my friends are coming and they’re going to play stupid.” I was like, alright: ‘I’ll just sit with you.” She said: “We’re going to meet with one of our friends from Burnley.” So we went to meet him, so we just got down the road near the chippy, and he was dressed as a woman with his arse out and he had an orange wig on. Ciara said: “I’ve also dared him to go on a mad drive.” I said: “I’m not going till I get some food.” So I had to get some food. Went back to the house before getting in the car. And there was a girl there that I didn’t know who said: “You’re going on that really mad drive aren’t you and here’s some food.” She brought us some meat sandwiches. I thought - that’s great. We got in the car and then the whole street changed into - you know on the adverts when they all turn into strange bendy cliff-sides - but at one end it
was a skateboard ramp - so you had to do a 180 and then skate back down - so we went up the ramp all cacking ourselves and then we carried on going through, got to the other side and there were four people just running behind us in red jackets. I thought: “Why are they running so fast?” We just carried on going till we finished the course and they were there at the finish and they took this guy’s licence off him and they took Ciara’s top off - her boobs were hanging out - and they took the meat sandwiches. I tried fighting with one of them to get my sandwiches back and I remember seeing my face from their point of view and my lips were talking in slow motion. I was a mess.
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