The Umbrella of Ugh

Submitted by SARAH R. COATES, LCMHC

I sat down to write this and give readers who have been living through 18 months of a global pandemic something inspirational or therapeutic. That’s how I operate in the therapy room with clients. I listen and empathize with them as they share their lived experiences. Then I might try to offer some hope or help inject inspiration into their story so they leave feeling hopeful and not hopeless.

But as I began to write I realized, I’ve got nothing. I haven’t had much inspiration myself for the past many weeks. Do you feel that way too?

Are you lacking in inspiration and feeling hopeless about our future as this pandemic drags on with no real light at the end of the tunnel? For me, I thought perhaps vaccines and herd immunity would help us put an end to it. Yet now, the scientific and medical community imply that’s not the case.

They say that COVID is here to stay, and I have so many unanswered questions about how we are navigating it and who is guiding us through it. I’m sure some of you share in those same concerns, too. I mean, are we even doing this right?

I thought I was sinking into a depression recently and, after some self-reflection, I determined I’m not clinically depressed. I can still get up and shower, eat, care for my loved ones, go to work and muster up some hopefulness — all things individuals with clinical depression struggle to accomplish.

Instead, I have what I call an “umbrella of ugh” looming over me. I try to find joy in each day through prayer and practicing the mindfulness techniques I teach clients in order to stay focused on the present. I tell myself worrying about tomorrow is fruitless because none of us are promised it. Yet we do worry about tomorrow because that’s what we as humans do. We worry. Worry is not only an emotion but also an action. And many of us use worrying to feel a sense of active participation in how our future will play out.

So I’m not going to give you a 3-point treatment plan on how to stay inspired and decrease depression or anxiety during a never ending pandemic. Instead, I’m going to tell you that if any of the above resonates with you (and you know you’re not clinically depressed) — you, my friend, are grieving.

Many of us are experiencing grief and loss in a way we have never understood before. Many of us know what it feels like to grieve a loss like a losing a loved one, losing a relationship to divorce or losing a job. What many of us are experiencing is the grief of losing a perceived sense of safety of a yesterday that is long gone. The days where you can wake up without hearing the words COVID, vaccine, masks, social distancing, politics or death before your coffee has even perked. Nowhere is safe from these things. And even when we think we’re being “safe,” someone we know tests positive for a virus that keeps mutating and prolonging what we thought would be over sooner.

Since I really do look for inspiration or hope in the midst of dark times to alleviate my distress in the moment, I will offer this nugget: honor your own grief. You may have lost a loved one to COVID or another disease this past year. You may have lost your job or the goals and dreams for your own career, seeing them go by the wayside when you had to stay home to oversee your kindergartner do virtual school.

All of this is loss and all of it is appropriate to grieve.

I want you to know you can grieve what you have lost and remain hopeful about our futures. You can grieve the loss of a loved one and be thankful that you are still alive. You can look in the eyes of your child feeling overwhelming love and feel sad for what their future might be.

The world is extremely polarized right now in every aspect of “Us vs. Them” or “This vs. That.” Don’t buy into that division. It only makes things more uncertain.

Honor your grief by acknowledging all the things you have lost in the past 18 months (or more). Stay focused on each day at hand and make the most of that day given to you — for tomorrow always has its own trouble. Find joy in the small things. Remember that you can hold two opposing things at the same time and be okay.

You are going to be OK. Maybe I did give you a treatment plan after all.

Sarah Coates is the founder of One Eighty Counseling, which provides comprehensive outpatient mental health and substance abuse counseling for school aged children, adolescents, adults, couples and families. They have locations in Garner, Cary, Apex, Holly Springs and Raleigh. Learn more at www.oneeightycounseling.com.