Words and That - Issue 15

WORDS and ThAT The Flusk Edition

Never Forget

... to register with your tutors

POems prose Paraphernalia

Issue 15

intro •

Editorial

This time each year, a certain despondency (or melancholy, perhaps) looms large over Abingdon. Jerusalem has been sung, awards have been awarded, and yearbooks have been distributed. And so another cohort of upper sixth go on their way in to the Real World we’ve been trying at all costs to suppress like a bad childhood memory for the past 18 years.

But this year, it’s a rather bigger deal.

As the final weeks of term draw to an inevitable close, Abingdon counts down its last few moments with Ms Felicity Lusk as our fabulous figurehead. The school she leaves in our care is one dramatically different from the one into which she was dumped in 2010 - compulsory Saturday School, no Science Centre, and a nightmarish chaos in which nobody knew how (or indeed, when) to register with their tutors. Well, she put an end to that.

Under her personal leadership, Abingdon has survived the world chaos of ISIS, Trump, Boko Haram, spiralling national debt, and Michael Gove.

It only seems right to reflect on her greatest - and least known - achievements, accolades and talents she has revealed in the past six years. On a personal note, I’m not sure which memory of her I shall most clearly recall. Will it be that time I saw her walking around school? That other time I saw her walking around school? Or perhaps that time I thought I saw her, but wasn’t too sure, so smiled at the person just in case? Well, either way, I shall cherish these personal encounters for the remainder of my life.

So, just in case you suffer from terrible lapses, don’t you worry! This entire edition is an aide-memoire, if you will - wholly devoted to the celebration of her character, accomplishments, and fashion choices (in that order). We also explore what lies ahead for our most magisterial of leaders, we ponder what might become of Abingdon in a post-Fluskian society, and we re-imagine her travels through time and space to meet history and literary’s greatest women.

And whatever you do, don’t miss the exclusive Desert Island Discs Interview with Ms Lusk, on page 6. It’s well worth a read…!

Goodbye, and so long!

Hugs and kisses, The Words and That team.

Ms. F. A. B. Flusk.

M.A., Ph.D., ABC, 123, U.A.E., OMG, Legion D’honneur.

Supreme Commander of the Teaching Forces of Fabingdonia, Secretary General of Democratic Forces of Housemasters, Keeper of the Door to Narnia, Emperor of Columbia, Colonel of the S.A.S.S., Elector of the Second Year Hastings Battle Group, Viceroy of the Combined Photocopier Junta, Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary to the MCR, Commandante Eternale, Boggle-Night Champion.

predictions • Retirement plans

What will she do next?

F

lusk, who has recently added the most honorable title of sexagenarian to her list of various achievements (including but not limited to First Female Head of an Independent Boys’ School, Empress, and Dog-Whisperer) has announced that, following her retirement, she will pursue her various interests, and has been quoted as being particularly interested in trekking in her native country in the southern hemisphere. “Last year I trekked in Bosnia, and I have done the Inca Trail, but I would definitely like to do some trekking in New Zealand.”

Word on the street is that her dog will also be accompanying her into retirement, with several anonymous sources indicating that he will be receiving speech lessons.

Flusk has also expressed an interest in re-exploring her musical background, which had taken early roots as she graduated with a degree in music from Victoria University in Wellington. She was also director of music in Wellington East Girls’ College where she allegedly ruled with an iron fist. Word on the grapevine suggests that Flusk may take up composing and directing music again, though it is uncertain as to whether she intends to publish her works.

In the meantime, it may be taken as a given that Flusk shall continue to do in retirement as she has done in work: fighting for the progression of the feminist movement. Flusk appears to have every intention to continue her crusade to be the first woman in male-dominated patriarchal circles, and thoroughly refusing to acknowledge the name of the other male head of school.

Flusk’s plans, however, are not limited to just the mundane. Anonymous phone calls from disposable phones have suggested that Flusk has intents to travel to North Korea, though it is unclear as to why.

Conspiracy theorists have dusted off their tinfoil hats and explained that Flusk might have, in fact, been in league with the Communists all along, though the Socialist editors of Words and That doubt the veracity of such statements.

Conspiracy theorists will no doubt be thrilled to hear that there are rumours that Dudley is in fact a dog; eyewitness accounts of Flusk spoonfeeding Dudley has led to speculation that Dudley’s special treatment is not due to Flusk’s eccentricity, but due to an eccentric nature in Dudley himself; chiefly, the fact that his treatment, oddly reminiscent of the treatment one would expect a three year old human to receive, is in fact due to the irrefutable and yet unrecognized fact that Dudley is not a dog, but is in fact a human in dog form. Rumours are that Dudley will live to the ripe old age of a hundred and two and Flusk shall spend much of her time in retirement looking after her four-footed companion.

Being a brief report of our preliminary assessment of Flusk’s likely retirement plans, they are subject to change, and Words and That is not responsible for any misinformation as the future is, by its very definition, unpredictable and hence unreportable. Any misinformation reported in this article is not at all due to malpractice of journalism by the writers involved, and may be blamed squarely on the erratic nature of the future.

school • Appropriate ways to commemorate the terrible tradegy of the loss of Ferocity Risk from the Great Empire of Fabingdon 1. A permanent fixture of the New Zealand flag at half mast 2. Renaming the Yang Science Centre ‘The Flusk Fabulous Fashion Hub’ 3. Committing the feather boa to the school uniform 4. Naming a month after her 5. Paint literally everything pink 6. Start a haka club 7. Start a resistance group to Mr Windsor, and organise a campaign of sabotage 8. Murder Mr Windsor 9. Give women the vote 10. Campaign to have her knighted 11. Commission Mr Taylor to produce a musical detailing her life story, entitled ‘From Rags to Tags’ 12. Make Abingdon co-ed 13. Reintroduce Saturday school to ceremoniously abolish it again 13. Commission an epic poem, entitled the ‘Flodysassy’ 14. Dedicate general studies and PSHE to the study of the Life and Opinions of Ms Lusk, Gentlewoman.

15. Recast the eagle lectern as her face.

16. Privatise Abingdon, and sell all stocks to her trust fund

enlightenment • The Interview

Seeing as we are doing a whole edition about our esteemed leader, it seemed only fair to give her a voice in the magazine. So, two of our writers went into the lion’s den to go and drink tea, play with Dudley and get Miss Lusk’s Desert Island Disks off her. Prepare for a high octane conversation about Love Affairs, Mental Health and the Archers...

L - Yes, well, my first record I think would have to be two songs from My Fair Lady although I suppose I’m only allowed one… [realises that, only 30 seconds in, she’s already violated the rules] And those two would be ‘With a Little Bit of Lusk // Luck’ and ‘I’m Getting Married in the Morning’. Because my son did such a beautiful Dragonfly production of My Fair Lady, and I was so shocked he could do the stuff required. But he was the most marvellous drunk, you could ever have seen [brief expression of inward pride flashes across her face]. It was on for three nights, and I stupidly went of to see one of the Guildhall’s productions on one of the nights, leaving me only two in the end. And I’ve always regretted that a great deal [wistful smile]. I don’t know why I neglected my maternal duties.

‘You just sit there thinking ‘Gosh, I do hope life is going to get a little better for them at some point.’’

F - It was my travelling in Cuba which brought them to my attention.

And they are rather famous, actually. And their music is just extraordinary. Extraordinary. You can’t not feel uplifted when you hear it.

1 - When did you go to Cuba?

[Long pause.]

F - In about 2000, because everyone says you should go before Castro dies….

Interviewer 2 - Did he go on to star in more productions?

1 - So is music something that your travels have inspired?

F - He did, he was in Les Mis, he played …. He played one of the main parts…. One of the main parts. I think.

Interviewer 1 - So it must have been poignant to see it performed again, here, by Abingdonians?

F - No. Music is just part of my soul. I mean, I started off as a music teacher, and gained an organ scholarship. So now, listening to James Anderson Besant in chapel, you can imagine, is just amazing. Sometimes he plays something I used to, and I just sit there lamely thinking how I could have down that one. Perhaps.

F - It was - both so good, and so different from the outset!

2 - Perhaps you could hijack the last chapel?!

2 - And which of Abingdon’s productions would you say you’ve enjoyed F - That would be terrible! No, that would be dreadful! I’d have to be the most? carried out, they’d think I’d lost my marbles. So music is very important to me. And it wasn’t my family that pushed me towards it - my father F - I had a feeling you’d ask me that [says messianically, with a wry wanted me to become a lawyer, since he was QC. Um, I always wantsmile]. Oh gosh. Well I think that really was good, but I think some of ed to be the head of a public school in England, despite being in New the smaller ones, which get such small audiences are sometimes the Zealand. best. Caucasian Chalk Circle, for instance, was just so intense. What else? That’s what I love about my job - I get to see just so much. Just last 1 - Well there we go. So we’ve had Cuban, we’ve had My Fair Lady week, I saw this wonderful performance put on by Lower School [inter- where next? viewers exchange meaningful glance], which was largely improvised, and really clever. And I love the things which are clever, and off-piste. F - Well I’m going to be so mundane, but I have to go with the Sound and quirky. And I especially enjoy the dark, noir ones - although I al- of Music, and Climb Every Mountain [2 nearly loses it] because when ways worry about these poor teenagers forced into such horrific situa- it came out, I was about 8, and went to see it 13 times with my grandtions, and you just sit there thinking, ‘Gosh, I do hope life is going to get mother, and watched it 13 times - 13 times in New Zealand. But now, a little better for them at some point.’ whenever I’m on a group trip with friends and we start singing from the Sound of Music, I get on the nerves of everyone, because I just 2 - So, moving swiftly on - what would your second record be? know every word! And we do all the actions, and the whole deal. But Climb Every Mountain, especially from such a young age, I found the F - Well I’m afraid it’s mostly classical [appears nervous]. I’ll go for the lyrics [gives short-lived rendition], just taught me to keep looking something by the Buena Vista Social Club. They’re a Cuban band, who forward, and keep going. And that, in particular, has really stuck with have been there through it all - all the social changes from the Revo- me. I find it very emotional every time it comes on now. So on my 60th lution right through to the present day. But it had one chap in it - the we had my friends and family all round here, and we just sang round pianist, Rubén - who died just recently. But they did a tour of the UK, the piano. And naturally everyone had had a little too much to drink, so and I heard them, and it was just fabulous. it was all getting rather riotous [allows herself a cheeky smile]. But everyone was very emotional, and that’s what music does. It’s cathartic, I 2 - So how did you come across them? think, good music.

1 - So in light of that, what is your number 4?

2: Yeah.

F - we’re up to number 5, gosh. Well if you’d permit me, I’ll have to go with Bohemian Rhapsody. Again, the lyrics are just marvellous. And it’s huge! It’s massive! And I’ve bashed bits out of course...

Hold that image for a moment.

Flusk: NO! [Instantly]

2 - So, on that note, what would your fifth record be?

F - Well it’d have to be Bach, next, and in particular ______ And the whole organ repertoire. And of course I trained as an organist, and so I’ve worked my way through them all. And the Goldberg variation especially … [melancholy] And it’s frustrating when I then come to play them, because I know exactly what I want it to sound like, and it never does! It would be good to get back into it.

[A long pause] Sometimes I like choral pieces, of course, that are sort of the layers of sound. Erm. But composers like Tabinov but they’re not controversial and awful to listen to. He’s absolutely beautiful.

‘And naturally everyone had had a little too much to drink’

1 - So do you see yourself taking the organ up again in the future?

F - Well I’m off to do something next year. I can’t say what - it hasn’t been announced yet. But that will be nice. So perhaps in the deep distant future, but not just yet. And you must never let these thing you learn at school go - because you’re all at the peak of your game, as it were, at the huge variety of activities you get up to. And you have no idea how much harder it becomes to find the money, the time, and the opportunities to do all these things.

As with most of these things, I’d rather like to go back and do my schooling years all over again. But that’s true of so many things [long pause].

I’d like to go back and do parenting again, and do it properly! [Even longer pause] I’d like to go back and do my job properly…

But you do what you do.

1: Have you been to hear the gospel choir?

Flusk: I think they’re terrific! They’ve come on such a long way and they’re just… They’re just fun. They’re so brave! I mean, at a boys’ school to have a choir like that. I think it’s just fantastic. They don’t care what anybody thinks, they just relax and get into it- it’s great.

1: But the music at the school has come on leaps and bounds recently.

Flusk: Well, it’s like everything. Everything’s fantastic. I’m just amazed by the quality. I wouldn’t say we take it for granted, but we assume everything is going to be at a really good level, because everything the [VERY LONG PAUSE.] boys touch they seem to go right to the top in. I mean, obviously the object is to enjoy whatever it is that you’re doing, but if you enjoy some2 - Number six then. What would that be? thing, you will be good at it. And you have to have enough struggle in things to feel you are achieving; you can’t just have everything easy. I F - the Schubert Quintet in C major, especially the second movement. mean, you’re bright boys. We need an awful lot of fodder to keep you It’s just the most beautiful music, and the lines of music just hovers. It’s going; we can’t just chuck stuff at you all the time. Lots of variety… you perfect. It’s the melody. need to be kept very busy.

1 - Would you say that quality of melody has gone in modern music?

1: So would you say that variety is one of the best qualities of the school?

F - YES! [instantly] Well, I really can’t be doing with this atonal stuff. Flusk: Absolutely. And I also like that fact that we are quite even with I tried, I really did. But I love Benjamin Britten, but they’re not really the academic, the other half and pastoral care, and they are all interconsidered modern any more. twined. And they’re all equal in my mind; you couldn’t take away one of those and have this wonderful, marvellous vibrant school. But I do… worry a lot about the mental health of the boys. So just now, I was walking up behind a boy who was talking to another boy about his schedule he was obviously exhausted and I just said, ‘right, I’m going to cut in on this conversation now and, you know, talk to me about all this.’ The things I worry about with the boys are the levels of stress, managing their lives and the sense of feeling they have to achieve at very high levels in absolutely everything. I feel for a lot of boys there’s not much let up. And sometimes I feel like saying ‘look, just take the day off; it’s 2: So, do you like any modern music at all? not important’.

‘Music is just part of my soul’

Flusk: Any modern classical music, you mean?

2: So; take the day off is encouraged by Miss Lusk?

Flusk: Well, not take the day off. I think this is a generation under stress and I said that at the high school as well, when I first became head twenty years ago. And I was very aware of mental health issues even then when people were not even worried about it. The thing now is that we talk now such a lot. And schools have counsellors, and they access external agencies. And there is no longer the stigma attached to depression, at least less so. But a lot of people are depressed!

And I’m pleased to see that people are now more open minded. If somebody has a broken leg that’s one thing, but if they’re depressed a person still needs to be treated with dignity and fairly and given help and support. I think there’s a lot of hidden depression. Chances are that even if you are not affected by depression yourself then one of your family, or someone you know, will be. Because the statistics are huge, and we don’t necessarily know why. It’s part of the modern age. I mean it’s always been around but it really is prevalent and getting younger and younger. And you get the things associated with it.

So in answer to if I worry about bullying, I see that conflict around relationships as part of growing up but I worry more about anorexia, dependency on alcohol, those sorts of behaviour, because I think it’s hard for a young person to pull through that on their own. And it’s hidden so we can’t necessarily get to it.

2: But I think it’s all dealt with quite well. I think the counsellors help.

‘I’d like to go back and do my job properly’ Flusk: We’ve done a lot in recent years. But we could do a lot more. We can all do a lot more. But we talk more. Things aren’t swept under the carpet in the same way. If a boy is going under, we will do everything we can to rescue him. But you have to keep the structures of the place; you have to keep the place going. There’s a balancing act.

1: On a slightly lighter topic, what would be your seventh track?

Flusk: I’d have to have the Bruch violin concerto. You know it? I mean, there are thousands of violin concertos, but I chose this because it always remind me of my first [dramatic pause] love affair.

Flusk: My last one is the hymn Jersualem.

1 and 2: Of course.

Flusk: I think Parry is a rather neglected composer. I mean, I am glad he wrote for the queen’s coronation which they had at Kate and Will’s [note first name terms] wedding. Chosen by Charles, because he is a great fan of Parry. But it was my school hymn, so we always sang it at prize giving. And I absolutely love it here when the upper sixth sing it; there’s nothing like the Upper Sixth boys at Abingdon school singing Jerusalem. It is completely spine chilling. I mean I love singing hymns.

1: I think even if you aren’t religious, it’s a great thing to have a good hymn in chapel.

Flusk: Yes, the other day in chapel we had, erm… I can’t even remember what it was, but it was rousing. As it worked up to the fourth verse [in a voice that says ‘but-then-of-course-you-know-this-already’] and I wrote about it in my blog, but there was this teacher next to me and she was going for it! You know, she was just absolutely going for it. I won’t say who, because she’ll be embarrassed to see her name in this article [writes name on sheet of paper ands points at it - paper subsequently destroyed] , but if you have someone good singing well at quarter to nine in the morning you can’t help but feel better. But of course, I used to play them for services. I like hymns - because they’re communal.

2: But chapel still has such an important part in school life. So many grumble…

Flusk: But you only do 15 minutes a week! I used to have 15, 20 minutes a day and twice on Sunday!

1: I think it would be missed, if not for the religious aspect then just for the communal aspect.

Flusk : You’re right, and I think just to sit in that chapel and see the light coming through the windows is fantastic. I wonder if the boys realise that it’s fifteen minutes just sitting there, and you are encouraged to take some time out to be reflective. It’s terrific, and something we need to do more of. I think we should do it every day… mindfulness and all that. It’s really important for mental health.

2: So that is your eight.

[Eyebrow raising by all.]

[General expressions of regret and sadness all round.]

I won’t say what age that was. But it’s just that. It’s a romantic piece, it’s very sugary, and people are very sniffy about Bruch violin concerto because it’s so romantic and so heady. It’s running-along-the-beaches sort of stuff, and it’s youthfulness and first love and all that. And I just love it. I think you always have a special place in your heart for your first love.

But that isn’t it, because you get a book. I think you already get given the Bible and the Complete works of Shakespeare.

Flusk: Well, they’d keep you going long enough. But I would take a really big edition of the Oxford English Dictionary.

[A ‘really?’ pause.]

1: When you have that kind of connection to a song it’s just something that will make you smile whenever you hear it.

Flusk: And the reason I would take that is because of my luxury. Are you going to let me have a luxury?

Flusk: Or make you cry.

2: Or both.

Flusk: But it’s a memory. I think music has tremendous associations. If you love music then you have a piece of music for everything. So that’s seven.

2: Last one?

‘Everything’s fantastic.’

but then I really want to be a silver backpacker. There’s a whole army of people in their sixties and seventies who are putting on backpacks and going off. I’ve done all the luxury travel, and the great thing about backpacking at my stage of life is that if things are dire you can just get out your credit card and go and stay in a hotel. If you got really dirty. But yeah, I was going to go to Camino this coming September, but that’s been delayed because I’m going off to do something else. I want to do the Camino Milford Track in New Zealand, and some of [Babbled agreement as interviewers realise that the interviewee is lit- the Appalachian trail. But there are great walks you can’t do now, like erally interviewing herself and that they are redundant. Oh well. We in Syria and parts of Afghanistan. You have to do that walking before tried.] you get too old- you people are young, and once you get the trekking bug you have it for life.

Flusk: So, for my luxury I would take whole lot of sharpened pencils and some paper. Aside from surviving, I think that with the dictionary 2: We also said that we would expand this by also asking for a film you I could study so many words, I could create, I could write blogs,poetry, would take. Are you a film enthusiast?

I could write commentaries on the Shakespeare and the King James. It would be endless, and it would be absorbing. I would keep my sanity.

Flusk: I go the Phoenix probably once a week. I don’t really have a favourite film, but there’s a marvellous trilogy of French films called 1: You said you liked English. Was that purely from a literature point of The Three Colours and a great film called Il Pastino. And then there’s view, or did you write?

Death in Venice… Where would I start?I don’t know. And my taste is much more catholic and eclectic, so the other day I went to this film Flusk: Oh, well I have written stuff, and musical compositions as called Victoria (not about Queen Victoria) and it was so violent that well. I think if you have a childhood with lots of literature, then I was thinking ‘I’m going to walk out of this’. But I remembered this you enjoy reading and the process of writing. We can all do it- it’s a review that said it was all shot in one go, this whole two hour film. It wonderful way of expressing yourself. If I hadn’t been a teacher of is extraordinary, and every now and then they improvise. I was totally music, I’d have been a teacher of English. But it was music that got gripped. me up through the structure as head of department and then into school leadership.

2: So your tastes are more avante-garde?

‘Sometimes I feel like saying ‘look, just take the day off; it’s not important’’

2: I’m almost tempted to say ‘you know what, bring another book’. Just Flusk: I think with films I’m much more open minded about what a because I want an insight into your literary tastes. well executed film can deliver. I find it very relaxing, and I often go on my own. I just love sitting in the cinema, and I sometimes get a private Flusk: Well, gosh. I mean, I read a lot, so where do I start? There’s viewing if I go in the holidays. I mean I sometimes just say The Sound the Balkan Trilogy, which I love. I absolutely love the Raj Quartet, by of Music, but I haven’t got a favourite film. And my son loves films too, Paul Scott. Especially the Jewel in the Crown. That really is a favou- but I just go along for the orgy of the experience. rite book; in fact we could say that. But only if I can have the dictionary as well, because I won’t be able to do all my writing without it. 1: Do you listen the radio regularly?

Just because I love anything set in India… there’s been some fantastic literature out of India, often British writers but increasingly Indian writers as well. A Passage to India, and A Family Affair I like too. I like the sagas of families, the rags to riches, the impact of the caste system. And the Raj- when I go to India, I go off to see anything at all to do with the Raj.

A ‘ nd my son loves films too, but I just go along for the orgy of the experience’

2: How many times have you been to India?

Flusk: Quite a lot, but I’d like to spend more time there. I love travelling. I love seeing how other people live.

1: Actually, funny you should say that. Number 2 and myself are starting to plan a Gap Year, so where would you suggest we start?

Flusk: Well, aside from the earthquakes, there’s always Nepal. I don’t know if you are interested in trekking?

[Non-committal murmuring.]

To go trekking in Nepal is wonderful. To go trekking in New Zealand is wonderful. India, and if you could pop into Bhutan. But I just like everywhere. And I went trekking in Bosnia recently, and I have a whole great big long list of places I would like to go. But I have to do a few things first… After I have done what I’m going to do which I can’t tell you about, I want to do some Volunteer Service Overseas, in a similar role to the thing I’m going to do which I can’t tell you about,

Flusk: Well, of course I’m completely addicted to the Archers. I’ve been listening to it since I was four, and it would come to New Zealand six months out of date along with Coronation Street. I don’t know if you know about the Helen and Rob plot? This abusive man, and she’s just put a knife in him. So we’re all going ‘hooray!’ and she’s about to get it in the neck. And she’s lost her son. But that’s all about bullying, and how a person can absolutely break someone else by being controlling.

It’s really helped bring the issue to light. But no, I never miss an episode. There’s great drama on Radio 4, and you could eat or have a drink or mend something.

1: I think radio drama is a bit Marmite. Some people find it hard to get into.

Flusk: It’s interesting you say a Marmite moment. Because I would say vegemite. And they’re very different.

1: Indeed, thank you very much for your time.

fiction •

Flusk Throuch the Ages

Queen Elizabeth: Fashion

[Enter Lizzie and Flusk] “As fashionier for the Queen, what new creation do you have for me today, my dear Flusk?”

“Well, your Majesty, I thought we could spice it up a bit with this inner robe, followed by this delightful pink piece, floor length, with a nice ruff, all covered in precious stones and the like. What do you Cleopatra: Relationship problems think?”

[Enter Cleopatra and Flusk] “Oh Flusky dear, I have had some difficulties with Anthony. For one, “Well my dear, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but surely he simply wouldn’t give up his beastly Roman ‘friend’.” the stones on the inner robe will make it hard to lie in bed? I would like to get a good night’s sleep after a hard day’s ruling.”

“Yes, of course, I would love to help you, but my schedule’s full up right now- I can definitely give you a solid 3-minute talk next time I “As do I, my dear, but what is a little discomfort to pay, when the pay a visit, which is…..the end of next term! I guess you don’t have to fashion world can be yours! Mwahaha!” wait that long after all!”

“Soldiers, arrest this woman. She is clearly suffering from hysterics “Oh, I can’t wait that long. My inbred brother-husband’s about to set and maniacal visions. For her safety and mine, put her in the tower.” the Alexandria on fire. And Antony’s threatening to go back to Rome if I don’t iron his toga for him. “ [Being dragged away] “You can’t stop me now! I will have it all! First fashion, then the world! Hahaha!” [Exits cackling] “Tell you what, if you give Dave a ring I’m sure he can set you up with a copy of the article I wrote for Egypt Daily- give that a quick read and “That one, she may be a good seamstress, but running the world? I’m sure you’ll find your problems solved.”

Hah, don’t make me laugh. She couldn’t even run a school, but imagine that, a woman running a school. Hehe!” [Sighs with amusement.] “In Amun’s name, you’re no help at all!”

[Exits, wiping tears of amusement from the eyes] [Cleopatra struts off sassily]

Joan Of Arc: Heavenly speech

[Enter Joan] “Oh God, what am I to do? My village is surrounded by the enemy and has been attacked and burnt more than I can count, not that I can actually count….Please send me a sign!”

Margaret Thatcher: Ministers

[Enter Thatcher and Flusk] “My dear, what do you think one should do? My cabinet are all pathetic and won’t do what one wants them to, and they couldn’t be wetter if they tried.”

[Enter Flusk] “My dear, I have been watching you for years. What’s your name again?

[Looks over shoulder] Oh right, thanks, David, Joanne? No? Joan? Right then, what appears to be the problem?”

“My village is constantly being raided, my uncle has been murdered, and my mother and I have been assaulted by the English numerous times. What should I do, O heavenly gift?”

“Well, first you should probably register your feelings with your tutor, and then perhaps you should identify who exactly these ‘wets’ are.”

“Right there, dear, give me a sec. Right, Joan, what I suggest is that you have a nice chat with the English over tea to resolve your issues. [Looks “My dear, that first part made zero sense to oneself, but that latter over shoulder] That should give me a chance to try out that dress; I’ve might yet hold a nugget of gold, from which a compass to the future simply been dying to try it out.” may be made. Perhaps we should purge them from the cabinet and replace them with those who will bend to our will?”

I can’t speak to them. I don’t understand the language, and that brute would probably try it again. That’s it; enough is enough. I’m going to “Perhaps my dear, but perhaps we should have a good PR day to stop lead a rebellion and get the Dauphin back on the throne. any naysayers claiming that we are silencing the dissidents.”

[Runs off with tears in her eyes, looking defiant] “Lady, I think you and we are going to get on very well…”

[Both smile and start cackling]

“Oh my, what a delightful young girl.”

[Exit Flusk]

The photoshoot The Making of an Icon

The Taking

‘So, yeah, we were just kicking back one night and Felissa had this mad idea of taking some photos. She just got up and got into this thing she had from some charity thing… it was just crazy stuff, you know? Must have been about one o’clock, but she wasn’t fussed. And as for me, wild horses couldn’t have dragged me away. (Pauses while interviewer dies laughing.)

Crazy stuff… And so I just started taking photos through the cigarette smoke like a crossfire hurricane and she stubbed out her fag and put down the Blue Nun and gave us this winning smile. It was beautiful- have you seen a lady pharaoh? And it just, you know, happened - I don’t know how to describe it.

And if anyone should, then it would be me. Crazy, crazy stuff…’

- Mick Jagger

Critics

‘From the dappled hairline to the curve of the knees, this photo of photos draws you in, it infects you, it possesses you. The subtle light focusses attention down to her supple form, whilst her right hand in classical messianic pose is directed jauntily towards her head in an ominous display of her legendary intellect - it reminds the viewer of his or her place. And yet, there is some ethereal quality, some undefinable glow, about her other arm in the way it ties the photo together, and almost commands the viewer to join her on the firm couch. Note too how the couch shows no clear indication of her presence, serving only to demonstrate her angelical levitation ability. With this photo in circulation, can there be any doubt that she - and she alone spawned ‘Paint me like your French girl’? Indeed, the combination of casual and domineering, the sense of being eminently approachable and yet worlds above us mortals, means that I am not ashamed to admit I have this plastered across my bedroom walls.’

- R. T. Fãrty

classified • The Report

Central Intelligence Agency Report:

Ferocity Risk PERSONAL DETAILS DATE OF BIRTH: 11th September 1900 BC COUNTRY OF ORIGIN: NEW ZEALAND KNOWN ALIAS: FELICITY LUSK LAST KNOWN LOCATION: ABINGDON SCHOOL Born into a modest crime family, Flusk became the undisputed head after her goldfish Dave died in a mysterious hunting accident. Flusk ruled with a notoriously iron fist, quickly building a far reaching syndicate that has suspected ties with well I can write anything and influence with sheep shaggers ltd and numerous other suspected government branches.

In 1989, The New Zealand Security Service received vital intel from wire taps located in several phone booths around the houses of Flusk’s suspected associates. After five raids by the New Zealand Security Service in which many high profile members were arrested, Flusk smuggled herself out of New Zealand and arrived in England in 1990.

Once in the United Kingdom well I can write anything here because I am going to black it all out for a joke anyway intent on expanding her drug and sex ring empire, and is suspected to have to have killed an old enemy and competitior, a certain Dr. Colborn (the agency has a separate file on him), tortured his family, most mysteriously cooked the family tortoise, and stolen his cutting edge research into hallucinogenics. Despite the best efforts of Interpol, and other such agencies, including this one, Flusk had appeared to have gone to ground.

However, a new lead was found in 2011, when she was reportedly sighted entering a fashion store, a known front for gambling and prostitution. The store owners were questioned, before being sent off to Guantanamo Bay, so that questioning could continue in silence. Despite this agency’s efforts, she once again vanished, with unsubstantiated reports putting her at several sites of known terrorist activity, including the notorious fortress-safe house used for planning robberies, kidnapping and extortion rackets, owned by a unidentified Mr. Yang.

Following these years of absence, she once again has risen into the agency's scope of vision, becoming headteacher of Abingdon school, an infamous playground for drugs and famed for its rowing prowess, and turning ‘gifts’ into new science centres. However, the agency has yet to determine what she is doing with all the useless lower schoolers, given they are a drain. Yet again however, the agency is too slow to act, given her recent decision to leave following the incident of Mr Jackson and the wine locker of the neighbouring school.

fiction •

The Story of Felicity Lusk as Boudicca

M

any a time and oft in the Roman Forums, Fluscc was rated for her ambitions: trying to lead a large group of men when in that era, women were looked down upon tremendously - they had a miniscule amount of rights, and were taught very little about the real world. Just how to cook, make beds, and complete household tasks. Despite all of this, our main character was a well educated leader of a large army of mostly men.

“Fluscc” was her name and her tribe “Fabingdon”. The Icenis rode into battle wearing fur coats, tunics and some armour; the Fabingdonions wore fur coats and fur tunics, and vibrant battle armour. When entering battle, the Fabingdonians wouldn’t scream battle cries, but would sing very vague versions of Beyonce and Nicki Minaj’s songs, lyrics which were carved into stone after the battles were won. Some say that Fluscc was the woman who inspired those two artists. Fluscc, a fiery and aggressive strawberry blonde who wouldn’t take no for an answer, resented the Romans. Fluscc was a firm believer in the Celtic Gods, and with good reason - they existed, and often came down to vis-

it her and the Fabingdonians to join them in their battles. This helped aid the growth of the Fabingdon clan tremendously, and eventually they overpowered the Romans, but still ruled with a firm hand.

Because of her co-operation with the Gods, Fluscc was able to fight in over 8,000 battles with success. Though many of them were with her own comrades about trivial things, it was still quite an achievement.

Stories of this character would be passed down word for word through the ages, due to a huge amount of respect towards her she proved to the entire world that women were just as powerful, if not more powerful, than any man. Fluscc would go on to have an entire county named after her tribe, though the English apparently seemed to dislike the name, so changed it to “Abingdon”. Women across the globe were given equal rights to men, their wages were made the same due to the worldwide acknowledgement of the greatness of Fluscc, and all schools across the globe were banned from opening on Saturday.

fiction •

The Strange Case of Miss Risk and Mr Windsor The Story of the Court

M

r Allswell, the engineer, was a man of a precise countenance that was always glowing with a smile; warm, voluptuous and proud in all discourse; forward and on the right side of history in sentiment; keen, lovely, bright, happy and inevitably lovable. At friendly meetings, and when the wine was to his taste … well, let’s not go there.

Mr Allswell would often go on walks around Abingdon School with his comrade Mr Mayfield, typically in the aftermath of a Head’s assembly.

Though they swore to all parents at Discover Abingdon events that they got on incredibly well, they wandered around school very sternly, rarely talking, occasionally breaking into maniacal laughter about taking away AS levels. Allswell and Mayfield were walking along Bath Street when they came across a small door of faded wood.

‘Did you ever remark that door?’ asked Mayfield, after Allswell replied in the negative, shocking all since this is one of the few times he had been ignorant of something. He added, ‘it is connected in my mind with a very odd story.’

‘Indeed?’ said Mr Allswell, with a slight change of voice and an air of confusion due to the dusting of glitter on the floor and the small pink feather caught in the crack of the door, ‘and what was that?’

‘Well, it was this way,’ returned Mr Mayfield. ‘I was walking down this street at two o’clock in the morning, having passed on Greening Wing ICT suite guarding duties to Mr Starfish for the night, looking up at the moon which brilliantly lit the surroundings, in a dream of musing in which I had never felt more kindly about the world (the Wangs had just donated their 300,000 Zimbabwe Dollars to the Science Centre) and then saw walking a man with hair so faint that I could not see it at all. He had at his side a wild and raging beast with frizzy black hair that had broken away from his lead and wore the St George’s flag around his neck; it was stumping forward and then when a small girl turned round the corner from Stratton Way and ran down the street, the dog ran into her and started jumping around and playing with her like a damned juggernaut.

‘Rogbey!’ shouted the man. ‘Get away from her!’ Whimpering, the dog cowered away and hid behind his master. Several people from the nearby streets surrounded the man in a wild rage like harpies, scowling at the crime he had allowed the dog to do; they were enraged since all people in the town of Abingdon are under command of Dudley - each has a duty to pet him alone, hence it was such an outrage that any other dog could play with a citizen, and I went white as bones in my rage. One thing led to another and to resolve the conflict the hairless man went through that door.

Shockingly he had a key, and then emerged with a certificate of authorisation to pet Dudley. The man snuck away, but to our shock the certificate had the signature of ‘Ferocity Risk’.

‘Tut, tut’ said Allswell,’ I am sorry to further inquire about the matter, but may I ask the name of that man with the rather audacious dog?’

‘Well,’ said Mr. Mayfield, ‘I can’t see what harm it would do. It was a man of the name of Windsor.’

Mr Allswell paused for a moment, contemplating the name, and he checked his small black diary to see if it had ever come up before; his mind hovered blankly, but David felt that one day this name would be important to him once again. He said, ‘I shall question you no more. I feel very strongly about putting questions; it partakes too much of the style of the day of judgment. You start a question, and it’s like starting a stone. You sit quietly on the top of a hill, and away the stone goes, starting others, and presently some bland old bird (the last you would have thought of ) is knocked on the head in his own back-garden and the family have to change their name. No, sir, I make it a rule of mine: the more it looks like

Larkmead, the less I ask.’

‘With all my heart,’ said the engineer. ‘I shake hands on that, Graeme.’

A Message from Mr Allswell

D

ear reader, thank you for your commitment so far to reading this tale of deception and sin, which baffles my very soul and separates me from all understanding I once had of that which was good and pleasant. I had compiled an account of several narratives, detailing the strange occurrences at Abingdon, besides the usual of housemasters leaving, privilege forgotten about and children prostrated for walking on the 1st team pitch. I had observed the change which befell our leader Ferocity Risk. Shockingly she retreated more and more, locking herself away in Lacies’ Court and reducing the number of assemblies until there was only one per half term; finally this all became too much and her assistant Mrs Pooledams, came to me for help in this crisis. The discovery I then made was terrible and it makes my skin turn white when I even considered telling it to other folk. Nevertheless for the safety of the school it must be revealed. This narrative I had created explaining this event was ready to go to print in Words and That. However Dudley, or whatever monstrous form he now took, found it and with his gnashing angry teeth, commonplace for a Shih Tzu of such a temperament, he destroyed the majority of the work and it could not be shown to the school.

Yet shards of this most important document remain and can be passed down through posterity, by blood to blood, acting as a warning to all those who try to toy with nature. I would tell the entire story, yet Dudley would finish me off if I did, and as I write this final note trembling and shivering, hidden in a cupboard in Big School, I hear his villainous growl and the scratching of the paws on the ground and his howling for his first doggy-mani-pedi-wash deluxe in four days and I cannot risk disclosing in full. I give this tale to Words and That. I give you the rest of what has been left of this queer tale and hope God may redeem my soul.

The Search for Mr Windsor

M

r Allswell returned home and that night, when his mind was more questioning and curious than it was accustomed to being, he pondered a horrible letter he had once received from the governors.

On reading it he had thrown it from his sight before he could finish and had not dared to read it since, yet tonight he believed it was time to discover the truth. The letter explained to Mr Allswell who the governors wanted to be the next Head, if Miss Risk ever were to leave. Such a thought made Allswell sick to his very core and he could not commit the act of treason of hearing who they had chosen. He went to his study. There he opened his safe, took from the most private part of it a document which contained the letter on Risk’s departure, and sat down with a clouded brow to study its contents.

The letter was holograph, for Mr. Allswell, though he would have to take charge of it now that it was made, had refused to lend the least assistance in the choosing of a so called replacement; it provided not only that, in case of the loss of Miss Risk M.D., D.C.L., LL.D., F.R.S., O.M.G., etc., all her powers were to pass into the hands of his “friend and benefactor Mike Windsor,” but that in case of Miss Risk’s “disappearance or unexplained absence for any period exceeding one term, even if it were a short term of the concrete in the middle,” the said Mike Windsor should step into the said Risk’s stilettos without further delay. The life and crimson drained from Allswell’s faith as he thought through the implications of this. Even before he finished reading it, this document had long been the engineer’s eyesore. It offended him both as a Second Master and as a lover of the sane and customary sides of life, to whom the fanciful was the immodest. Allswell feared for his mag-

They had hoped that they had moved on from the past incidents. Miss Risk had locked herself away in Lacies’ court more and more and then to Mr Allswell’s horror, but not surprise, her retirement was announced, with Mr Windsor planned to take over. However the iron lady had found a new strength in her and returned to the school. She came on stage at Head’s assembly and unfortunately Dr Hindyon, a long term friend of hers, died of shock. Nevertheless, despite these difficulties Abingdon School had returned to its usual form.

‘Well,’ said Mayfield, ‘that story’s at an end at least. We shall never see more of Mr. Windsor.’

“I hope not,” said Allswell. ‘Did I ever tell you that I once saw him, and shared your feeling of repulsion, erm sorry, I mean feeling of missing Ferocity?’

‘Well it is understandable, considering how our life force rests on Ferocity and Ferocity alone. At least we have recovered now.’

The two men continued in their walk and having passed a game of lower school croquet, where they kicked the croquet balls into the wrong position for a laugh, they saw Flusk at her window.

‘Ferocity!’ cried Allswell, bouncing towards her.

She beamed back at him, then the smile was struck out of her face. Her gaze froze and her skin trembled; she reached up to slam the window down, but before she turned away, Allswell caught a glimpse of the face of not Flusk, but Mike Windsor.

Ferocity Risk’s Full Statement on the Case

I nificent and almost divine Flusk and knew that he had a duty to protect her from any foul play which might arise. He would work out who Mr Windsor was and what his intentions were.

Allswell said, ‘if he be Mr Windsor, then I be Mr … damn this doesn’t work.’

Miss Risk was Quite at Ease

A

fortnight later, by excellent good fortune, the imperator gave one of her pleasant dinners to some five or six old cronies, all intelligent, reputable women and all judges of good prosecco. Allswell was lucky enough to be invited, though male and second master, to such a gathering to bask in the aura of such remarkable ladies. He did not catch all of their names, but recalled Malala, Aung San and Angela. Flusk was enjoying herself, giving her hearty laugh, throwing back her head, and beaming with the kind of smile that seemed to only be used in the presence of lower schoolers and photographers.

After the meal he said, ‘My most glorious Ferocity, as you know, I support you in all you do, but you have not been seen at school this week; we have lost a significant proportion of the upper sixth and MFL assistants are vanishing. I was wondering, if I could be so audacious, what you were going to do to sort it out’.

‘Oh it will be fine David,’ said Miss Risk as she smiled and then looked in the other direction, ‘I must be off now though, Dudley needs petting’.

Indeed, Miss Risk was quite at ease.

The Incident at the Window

I

t chanced on Sunday, when Mr. Allswell was on his usual walk with Mr. Mayfield, that their way lay once again through the by-street; and that when they came in front of the door, both stopped to gaze on it.

was born in the year — to a large fortune, endowed besides with excellent parts, inclined by nature to industry, fond of the respect of the wise and good among my fellows, and thus, as might have been supposed, with every guarantee of an honourable and distinguished future.

I was very successful in my life and reached the highest position of all, assisting Mr Allswell in running Abingdon school. Nevertheless, I wanted for my rule to continue, to have a thousand year reign. I was serving my fifth year as Commanding Eagle of the institution and I feared that people would try to remove me. They had their beautiful science centre now. I had given that to them, so there was a risk they would attempt to take me out of my position, but I could never leave Abingdon. I devised a way to remain in my role. I went to Dr Reffrey’s biology lab, and hidden underneath his tank of happy bunnies, I found a biochemistry book explaining the secrets of life, all beyond the standard syllabus. I cooked up a serum which would alter my identity and transform my body into another’s. In that way I could present myself as a fresh face to Abingdon and reinvent myself for fun. I was ready to carry out my plan and I drank off the potion. I also gave some to Dudley.

The most racking pangs succeeded: a grinding in the bones, deadly nausea, and a horror of the spirit that cannot be exceeded at the hour of birth or death. Then these agonies began swiftly to subside, and I came to myself as if out of a great sickness. There was something strange in my sensations, something indescribably new and, from its very novelty, incredibly sweet.

I looked up and saw myself in the mirror. To my shock and horror I was in the body of a man. I was a man and I had no hair. I considered what this meant. Would this be the cost? To continue my leadership of Abingdon but be so different?

This would be a battle which I faced for a long time. I had to draw myself away from my work at Abingdon, reduce the Head’s assemblies, spend more time in Lacies’ Court, as I gradually became unable to control the transformation and stop people from seeing the truth that I am Mike Windsor. There was a time when I returned to Abingdon and thought that I could enjoy one last year leading it as Flusk, but the prospect of leaving scared me too much. After a long internal war, I realised what I was committed to: Abingdon. I could wear suits and talk about Rugby and pretend to like Modern Foreign Languages, as long as I did not need to leave Abingdon. I shall become Mike Windsor and enjoy many more years as the next Head of Abingdon. Here then, as I lay down the pen and proceed to seal up my confession, I bring the career of that happy Flusk to an end.

Leaders: Before and after how does she do it?

fiction •

Flusk Through the Pages Anna Karenina

Anna: So, Ferocity Luskaya, I am adrift. I do not know what to do.

Flusk: Like hell you are. You need to get your act together, girl. Men are overrated.

Anna: What? They are literally the only thing I do with my life.

Flusk: I know. It’s unhealthy.

A silence.

Anna: Well, what am I to do? Where shall I go? There is not a place in the whole of Russia that I can escape to. The judgement of society is relentless.

Flusk: Well, get out of society. How old are you? 30? 40? Become a silver trekker. Go to Sports Direct and get a rucksack and a water bottle.

Go to Mumbai. Try some psychedelic drugs. Find yourself. And the train service in Russia is so good these days…

Mrs Dalloway

Miss Lusk said she would speak in the Assembly herself.

For Dave already had his work cut out for him. The Amey Theatre would be open this term. Her cerise dress won’t be drenched in upperfield mud again. And then, thought Felicity Lusk, what a morning- it’s so nice to come into the School and see the boys once in a while.

The boys looked at her with blank eyes. What thoughts flew through their minds? Was her cerise dress too sharp? Did they still remember who she was? She was not wearing her lanyard. Should they approach her and ask her ‘May I help you?’

There was something about a singing competition. It’s on...Wednesday?

She thought, but wasn’t sure. Her secretary didn’t tell her which day of the week it was. She announced the date of the competition---and said she ‘looks forward to seeing it on Wednesday…’

As she walked down the stage, the boys sat and kept looking blankly at her.

Who was this unexpected speaker? They thought to themselves. How did she not know which day of the week it was? Today was Wednesday!

It was Flusk, they came to the silent conclusion.

For there she was.

La Belle Dame Sans Merci

Flusk: Greetings! Belle?...which I’m guessing is your name? Why have you abducted one of my boys and kept him in your cave? I’m afraid the boy would have to be suspended for skiving and as for you, I’ll have to hand you to the local authorities.

‘La Belle’: Non, madame, mon nom n’est pas Belle, il est en fait Zoé.

Votre ‘garçon’, comme vous l’appelez, est très heureux avec moi, et je crains qu’il ne sera jamais revenir à nouveau.

Flusk [surprised, not knowing a single word of French]: Oh, okay then.

I guess I’ll just have to come back another time. As for the boy...oh well, we’ve already suspended enough of them; we don’t need another one.

Macbeth

Act II Scene i. [Enter LADY MACBETH and FLUSK] LADY MACBETH: Come, you spirits, that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, and fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst cruelty.

FLUSK: Oh dear, why would you do that? ‘Direst cruelty’, whatever shade of pink that is, isn’t in fashion this season. I’d suggest cerise instead- it looks good with every combination- even on a onesie. The ‘crown’ though, is a good choice. Nothing is more alluring than absolute dictatorial power.

LADY MACBETH: Who art thou that dar’st slander before thy lord’s mistress? Hark, I, though of woman born, will draw my dagger and makest thou feel thine own insolence. By Jove, I will dye the cerise crimson with thine blood!

FLUSK: Oh no! I sense that I might be in trouble. Quickly, Dave! Come to my rescue….

The Handmaid’s Tale

Flusk: Alright, you’ve just escaped through the Underground Female Road and want to be a History teacher at Abingdon. What are your qualifications?

Offred: I am an expert in the comprehensive history of the Republic of Gilead. My memoir was the subject of a ‘Historical Conference’ at the University of Denay Nunavit, and somehow became an A-level English set text. Most importantly, I love Comic Sans, a proven sign of my ability to teach History.

Flusk: Oh, ok. Look here, dear Offie (may I call you that? I hope you don’t mind), we are a tiny bit pushed for cash because of the Science Centre. I mean, we want to get as many postmodernist artsy sculptures as we can, don’t we? Why else would one choose to do the Sciences if not for the Arts? And the upshot is- though I really do appreciate your interest in the position, I regret to tell you that we cannot afford to hire you. One must be so frugal nowadays just to have a little Science Centre!

Offred: Please! They’ll deport me and send me back to that dystopian hellhole if I can’t find a job here! You have no idea what they do to you in that placeFlusk: Yes, I do actually. My sixth formers know them all too well from your novel.

Offred: Oh have some mercy, please!

Flusk: Listen, I’m terribly sorry to tell you, but things work a little bit differently here in ‘Reality’. Realpolitk, that’s what they use to call it in History. And one must do all that one can to build an unnecessarily lavish Science Centre; History can wait. I’ve already called your Commander (strange name for your hubby), and he’ll be here to pick you up in no time!

vacancies • Please choose from the candidates below who you wish to see takeover the position currently held by Dudley the Dog

1. Kim the koala 2. A small first year that can fit on your lap 3. Mr Barnes’ beard 4. Polly the parrot 5. Mr Dempsey’s snake 6. A Pangolin 7. D4W3SW3LL, quantum supercomputer 8. Colonel Gadaffi 9. Harambe the Gorilla (comes with small child) 10. The reanimated corpse of Dudley 11. Doggy McDogface

proposed official portraits •

So long, and thanks for all the material!

Dawswell’s Lament The winter winds bear in close The sun is without warmth; The heart is yearning Without relief.

Art and Illustration:

Workers’ Council of Editors: WE ARE ENSLAVED BY LUSK SEND HELP TO 39° 1’ 10’ N, 125° 44’ 17’ E Jonah ‘Fabulous’ Walker Blake ‘Fabulousity’ Jones Archie ‘Faaaabulous’ Williams Edward ‘Fabulous, darling’ Turner-Fussell Giles ‘Ab Fab’’ Stratton Calvin ‘Fabby Dabby’ Liu

Alex ‘FAB’ Chapman Suleman ‘Fabanova’ Irshad Byron ‘Fabulousus’ Langley Iwan ‘Fabulousolousity’ Stone xxx

Byron Langley Iwan Stone

Design and Editing: Blake Jones

Special Thanks To:

Old Mc. Yarrow (EIEIO) Miss ‘ETF, A Word Outside Please’ Vickers