Victorious Living - May/June 2008 by Jon Horton

VICTORIOUS LIVING A PUBLICATION OF VICTORY FELLOWSHIP CHURCH

LEARN TO LISTEN

THINKING ABOUT MONEY

MAY/JUNE 2008

ONE GLIMPSE OF YOU

GRACE IS ENOUGH

VICTORIOUSLIVING A P U B L I C AT I O N O F V I C T O R Y F E L L O W S H I P C H U R C H

CONTENTS M AY / J U N E

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VICTORIOUS LIVING May / June 2008 Volume 10 issue 3

CONTACT

Address 1250 Aversboro Rd. Garner, NC 27529 Email info@vfgarner.com Website www.vfgarner.com Phone 919.779.5180 Fax 919.779.4180

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Frann Sarpolus Diane Grubis Pastor Mitch Horton Jon Horton

STAFF

6 FEATURED ARTICLE

WAKE UP

Mitch Horton Senior Pastor pastor@vfgarner.com

Pam Hawkins Receptionist pam@vfgarner

Mike Norris Associate Pastor mike@vfgarner.com

Renee Horton Creative Assistant renee@vfgarner.com

Anne Houston Administrative Secretary anne@vfgarner.com

Sarah Horton Weekly Cleaning

Dianne Boyette Youth Pastor dianne@vfgarner.com Frann Sarpolus Personal Ministry frann@vfgarner.com Jon Horton Creative Director jon@vfgarner.com

Shawn Tracy College & Career Pastor shawn@vfgarner.com Steven Hoyle Music Minister steven@vfgarner.com Tim Theriot Weekly Cleaning

Nikki Dentrone Childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Ministry Director nikki@vfgarner.com Milly Bolick Receptionist milly@vfgarner.com

Victorious Living is a bimonthly publication of Victory Fellowship Church. Comments, questions, or suggestions can be mailed or emailed to us at the addresses located above. To view previous newsletters, visit

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YOUR MARRIAGE | 2 | LEARN TO LISTEN | 4 | THINKING ABOUT MONEY | 11 | ONE GLIMPSE OF YOU | 12 | FROM THE BLOG: GRACE IS ENOUGH | 13 | CHRISTIAN LIFE SCHOOL OF THEOLOGY

LEARN TO LISTEN BY FRANN SARPOLUS

GOOGLE “LISTENING SKILLS,” and over two million results will pop up, many of these linking to hundreds of thousands of further resources. Why so much ado over improving our ability to listen? Don’t we have enough white noise around us already? My point precisely. So much input, so many sounds already ﬂood our airwaves, that the very art of listening (hearing) is becoming non-essential. Across the board, our daily communication with others is generally suﬀering somewhere between greatly stressed and nonexistent. However, with practice, we can begin tapping into one of the most important communication skills that exists, the skill of active listening.

“Listening well will help us function more healthily in both our personal lives and in business associations.”

How does this happen? You see, our ears are amazing equipment. They are receivers of signals, able to accept many sounds at once. As our ears take in audible sounds, our brains function much like tuners, complete with equalizers and volume control. They constantly tweak, bringing clearly to the forefront that to which they are pre-tuned, or focused on. May I elaborate? At this moment, the symphony that I am hearing has many parts: a humming refrigerator, air ﬂowing through the HVAC return, birds chirping, rain plinking on the vent cap, a train whistle, a dog barking. If a clock were ticking in the area, to be sure, I would hear that too. At the same time (inaudibly) my brain is talking to me, instructing me to write this. Mundane? Maybe. But, praise God, we can hear and process simultaneously, for we are wonderfully made! Now, how about you? Are you using your ears the way the Lord intended, or are you tuning out, subduing the communication attempts of your spouse, children, parents, coworkers, and friends into mere wallpaper eﬀects, just background noise? Parents can learn to study or concentrate in the same room with their children nearby, because they have learned to tune their playful noises out. That’s sometimes okay, when we need to focus on some other activity. But it’s not okay when it’s time to hear what others need us to hear.

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With practice, we can train our brains to be more aware of what our ears are hearing. We can also train them to do the opposite, to ignore the sounds around us. If you live near a railroad track or an airﬁeld, you know exactly what I mean. How we listen is learned behavior. And listening is more than just hearing. In her book The Business of Listening, Diane Bone explains that “Most of us are not good listeners. We listen at about 25 percent of our potential, which means we ignore, forget, distort, or misunderstand 75 percent of what we hear.”1 With the exception of breathing, we listen more than we engage in any other activity.2 At least half of all our communication time is spent listening; therefore, it would behoove us to learn good listening skills and to incorporate them into our daily activities. Listening well will help us function more healthily in both our personal lives and in business associations. Active listening encourages the speaker to continue speaking and helps him/her feel afﬁrmed in a safe, supportive space. Let me share some of the ways that we can enhance our skills of listening so that we become better active listeners. Honestly evaluate how you practice these active listening aids, and consider how you can make improvements:

• LEARN TO WANT TO LISTEN. Ask God to help you develop the desire, interest, self-discipline, and concentration that are critical to having a heart to listen to others. Philippians 2:4 • STOP TALKING SO YOU CAN LISTEN. Think about what the other person is saying, not what you want to say. James 1:19 • BE PRESENT. Give 100% attention. Do not let your mind wander. Let the other person know you’re with him/her by nodding or saying, “Uh-huh” or “I see.” • BECOME A “WHOLE-BODY” LISTENER. Listen with your ears, your eyes, your heart, your inner man, and your mind. • CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONAL “HOT BUTTONS.” Knowing what makes you react emotionally is your key to preventive maintenance. • CONTROL DISTRACTIONS. Suspend all other activities to control internal and external interruptions and distractions. • TAKE NOTES. When possible, jot down one or two key words as signals for addressing questions or statements later. This will reduce the desire to interrupt the speaker and greatly aid your recall, without interrupting the speaker’s “ﬂow.” • ADAPT TO SPEAKER’S PACE. Power up or power down to accommodate the speaker’s energy level; this creates a more comfortable communication ﬂow.

“At least half of all our communication time is spent listening; therefore, it would behoove us to learn good listening skills and to incorporate them into our daily activities.” These are just a few suggestions. How many of these do you regularly put into action? I encourage you to check up on yourself by analyzing the listening skills you use with your spouse, your children, and with those you want to listen to you. Ask the Lord to show you how you come across to them. Do they think you want to hear what they are saying? Once you assess your current listening habits, begin to implement some of these suggestions to improve your skills. Practice active listening, and soon you will ﬁnd that your communication has become more respectful and more eﬀective. You will discover that when you care enough to listen, others will open their hearts and allow the Holy Spirit to do works of healing, freedom, and the strengthening of relationships. Are you willing to hear what others are saying to you?

_____________________________________________________ 1. Diane Bone, The Business of Listening (Menlo Park CA: Crist, 1988) 7. 2. Ibid. 3.

• SHOW INTEREST. Maintain an open listening posture, leaving arms uncrossed, and use regular eye contact and nonverbal responses, such as facial expressions, or aﬃrming touch if appropriate. • SHOW UNDERSTANDING. Restate and ask questions for clariﬁcation, particularly if the speaker seems to “bog down.” • SHOW CONCERN. Acknowledge feelings. • GIVE THE GIFT OF LISTENING. Listening is a skill and a gift. It takes time. Give generously.

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We don’t hear a lot about money in church. We hear about salvation, healing, prayer, etc… But there is not a lot of talk about money. People talk about money everywhere else in the world - at restaurants, at ballgames, at the garage, but not at church. Why is that? For example: In front of a restaurant, you could make the statement, “I want to tell you something about money,” and half a dozen people would gather around to hear it. But when a preacher gets up to talk about money, no one wants to hear it! Why is that? When I asked the Lord to help me understand this, He did. And His answer was, “Your money would tell on you.” That’s right. It will actually tattletale on you! For example, you know that I love the Lord, and I believe you love the Lord as well. But we will never know whether we really do, until we spend about 30 minutes with each other’s check stubs from the last 8-10 months. After we examined them, then we could tell whether each of us really loves Him or not. I did not ﬁgure this out with my intellect; the Lord showed it to me. In Matthew 6:21, He said, “Wherever a man’s treasure is, there will his heart be also.” Now, notice He didn’t say that wherever your heart is, your treasure would be. He said wherever your treasure is, your heart will be. So, let’s get that in our spirits. Your heart follows your treasure.

Some people don’t like to talk about money because they don’t really know what it is. I’ve heard people say that money is evil. Actually, that’s not true; money itself is not evil. First Timothy 6:10 says, “For the love of money is the root of all evil…” Notice the distinction between money and the love of money. The Bible does refer to “filthy lucre,” which is money that is taken into the ministry by greed. Still the money itself is not evil, only the love of it. But the Bible also talks about “sweet-smelling” money, in Philippians 4:15-19. When the apostle Paul was presented with the gift from Philippi, he was a six-month journey away. They couldn’t have brought him produce and eggs, since it would have spoiled on the way. Instead, they turned that gift into money. And Paul said, “I have just received from Epaphroditus the gift that you sent unto me, a sweetsmelling savour.” That money smelled sweet, as it had come to help pay his bills! There are other people who get into their minds that they don’t want money, because they think it will make them go bad. But, as I stated above, money itself is neither good nor bad. For example, I could lay a quantity of money down in front of a group of people for ten years! During that time, it would neither do any good nor any bad. Nobody would get saved over it, and nobody would get lost over it, because money by itself does not have any power. Only when it is in the possession of a human being does it take on spiritual characteristics. The moment it comes into a human’s possession, it takes on his or her moral values. It takes on all of that person’s heart desires, and it begins to manifest what is inside him or her. For example, if you are a good man or woman, your pocket is full of good money. If you’re bad, you’ve got a pocketful of bad money. If you’re stingy, your wallet contains stingy money. If you’re generous, you have generous money. Money does not have any will or power in itself; it takes on the personality, the will, and the nature of the man or the woman who has control of it. It only has the ability to accomplish what the person who has it wants done. So money is not bad; neither is it good. It is simply a tool. Whatever is in your heart, your money becomes; it takes on its owner’s personality. Let’s go one step further. Your money not only takes on your personality, but your money is your life. Hear me out! I repeat, your money is your life, and I can show you that. Let’s suppose you’ve worked forty hours this week for your company. At the end of the week, they give you your paycheck. They are not paying you for your good looks! What your employer is really paying you for is the amount of your life that you’ve laid down for that company. Therefore, that money represents forty hours of your life! So let’s change our thinking. When you buy an automobile, you’re not paying for it with little slips of green paper. No, you are buying your automobile with your life! Likewise, don’t think that you are buying your house with little slips of green paper. That’s not what is happening. You are buying that house with your life! Your money represents your life! When an offering is taken in church, don’t visualize that the ushers are once again collecting little slips of green paper. Actually, the offering is one of the most sacred moments of the entire service. The sons and the daughters of God are literally laying down their lives in those offering buckets, that the world might know that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God! So don’t think that we gathered up little slips of green paper. Instead, we gathered up the lives of the saints, given to bring the world to Jesus Christ. Let’s expand our thinking even further. Not only is your money your life, but it is your life given back to you in a form superior to that which you laid down.

Let’s suppose someone who has been trained in a variety of areas is asked by Pastor Mitch to come to work at the church. This person might know how to do hospital calls, how to vacuum carpet, to mow grass, and how to do counseling. But if Pastor Mitch was to hire this person, and then asked him to go to the hospital, do counseling, vacuum the carpet, and mow the grass, all simultaneously, he couldn’t do it. Why is that? The answer is that in our human forms, each of us is pretty much uni-directional. We can usually fulfill only one job assignment at a time. However, if I can turn my life into enough surplus money, I almost become omnipresent on the planet. Picture this: I can turn the lights on in an auditorium in Ohio, feed breakfast to a missionary in the Philippines, start up the generators for a great revival meeting on the Pacific Rim, all while I’m flying a missionary back across the Atlantic Ocean. If we can turn our lives into enough surplus money, what we believe in our hearts can be proclaimed around the world. Why do you think the devil wants us poor? One reason is because he knows that when the church breaks forth in the abundance of God, his kingdom has few days left upon the earth. Another reason is that the Bible says that no one listens to poor people. Ecclesiastes 9:16 says, “…nevertheless the poor man’s wisdom is despised, and his words are not heard.” The devil wants the church poor so nobody will listen to us. Again, when the world hears what the church has to say, the end of his influence is in sight. Did you know that doctrines have been built on half a verse? Deut 8:18 says, “But thou shalt remember the Lord thy God: for it is He that giveth thee power to get wealth…” The verse doesn’t stop there, but continues, “…that He may establish His covenant which He sware unto thy fathers, as it is this day.” God has given you power to get wealth for a purpose. God’s supply is always for sowing, always! Perhaps you think that money is not that important. However, did you know that one out of every six verses in the Bible talks about money, or about something that represents it? Jesus talked about money more than He did heaven, hell, or being saved. On top of that, God says that money answers everything. Ecclesiastes 10:19 says, “A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.” It’s in the Book! And it’s actually occurring in the lives of those who are following the Lord’s directions with what He is supplying! John 8:32 says, “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The implication of this sentence in the original language clarifies that only the truth that we know, or experience will have the power to set us free. We must believe and act on it for it to have power in our lives. If the mere existence of truth could set you free, then no Christian would ever die of disease. Just having a Bible would make you free. But the truth that will set you free is the truth that you know. So the devil’s plot is to keep Christians from knowing or believing the truth of God’s Word, thus keeping them poor and powerless. To conclude, let’s remember that money answers all things, that nobody listens to poor people, and that God has given us power to get wealth to establish His Kingdom. So let’s change our thinking about money and purpose to lay down our lives as we give, thus becoming a part of accomplishing God’s purposes on this earth. What a great way to live! Source of Notes: His Image Ministries, John Avanzini, “The School of Biblical Economics,” PO Box 917001, Fort Worth TX 76117-9001

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MARRIAGE IS GOD’S IDEA

THE FAMILY IS IN TROUBLE

in America. One-half of all marriages end in divorce. Children are being raised in environments of strife, uncertainty, anger, selfishness, and irresponsibility. Cultural chaos and national decline have historically followed the breakdown of family values in a nation. And it’s happening in front of our eyes. Jesus told believers that we are the salt of the earth. We lose our effect on our culture when we become like it. And right now, family statistics in the church parallel what is found in our culture. Instead of influencing culture, the church has become like it! In this newsletter, I want to give you some marriage basics. Let’s look at God’s plan for marriage, and then seek to pattern our marriages and families after His design. 1

Originally, God created man in His image and likeness. We are spirit beings living in human bodies.2 It seems as though God originally placed the spirit and the soul of both the man and the woman in Adam’s body when God ﬁrst created him. Notice Genesis 5:1-2: This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made He him; Male and female created He them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.3 As Adam was naming the animals God created, God mentioned that man being alone was not good.4 God gave Adam an anesthetic, took one of his ribs, and used it to build the body of the woman. God literally took the woman out of the man’s body! I said this because God intended there to be a close, lifelong relationship between a husband and a wife. God created the relationship called marriage to give the man-woman relationship an intimacy not found in any other place in creation. Most animals breed with any of their kind that are of the opposite sex, but this behavior was not for man. Notice Genesis 2:24-25: Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one ﬂesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. The word cleave here actually means to be glued together. It gives the idea of a permanent relationship and a close relationship. Nothing is to come between a husband and wife. If you glued two pieces of paper together, they would become stuck, and you’d never get the original pieces of paper back. Unless you have a gift from God that brings you no desire for the opposite sex, you were created to be married! Again, God said that it’s not good for man to be alone. We’re made to function best in a loving marriage relationship. And the Father has planned that you get close to your spouse mentally, emotionally, and physically! Let me say right here that if you’re single due to divorce or other reasons, your top priority should be relating to the Father and being used to bless others! We’ll talk more about this later. Let me also mention that in scripture there is no such thing as an alternative lifestyle called homosexuality, or lesbianism, that can take the place of marriage. Homosexual activity is a violation of nature as God created it, and is strictly forbidden by God. It’s sad that our public institutions of learning in all levels have espoused this diabolical, culture-destroying belief and are advocating it as an acceptable alternative to marriage as sanctioned by God. No society in history has survived long after allowing this family-destroying lifestyle! If you’re reading this and you have homosexual tendencies, let me encourage you to get some help and cry out to God for freedom from these twisted desires. The Father loves you and wants to free you from this perversion of what He created you to be!

LEAVE YOUR PARENTS! As stated in Genesis 2, God planned that the marriage relationship be the longest-enduring, close relationship a person knows. He told us here that a man and a woman are to have a relationship closer than each had with their parents! Priorities must be reset after marriage, so that the allegiance each spouse had with their parents is given to each other. No person should be closer to me than my wife! If you’re a parent and your child gets married, you must pull back. Your married son or daughter must be allowed to establish a relationship that is out of your control! Huge problems arise when parents and children try to keep the same conﬁdences they had with each other before marriage. A new relationship means new priorities.

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Susan and I moved 1,200 miles away from either of our families a few months after marriage, and I am sure this helped the process for us. Also, both sets of parents were good at leaving us alone to establish a relationship with each other that was closer than our relationships with them. In this new relationship of marriage, every other relationship must be secondary. Parents are no longer the main conﬁdants; your spouse becomes the person you now share your heart treasure with. Children must also take a secondary place to husband and wife. Some mothers become so engrossed in caring for their children that their marriage takes a back seat to the kids. If you let this happen, you’re asking for problems down the road!

personal and societal problems and will eventually come to ruin. Problems such as abortion, AIDS, STD’s, as well as increasing violence and rebellion among the young, are a direct result of the violation of the sacredness of sexuality. If you are married, love your spouse mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. If you’re having problems, humble yourself and get some help! While sitting in a Bible school classroom in the 1970’s as an unmarried 19-year-old, the Lord spoke to me through Philippians 2:4: Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. And I heard Him say to me, If you’ll practice this in your marriage with your wife, you’ll be fulﬁlled sexually. Seek to meet your spouse’s needs before you think about your own. Fulﬁllment will be the result.

Problem-solving involves the willingness to be humble in my own opinions and open myself up to hear what the other person is saying. It’s a willingness to be wrong, to not have to have the last word, to value the other person and his or her opinion more highly than my own. SEX IS FOR MARRIAGE ONLY Some animal species ﬁnd one partner and cohabit for life. But for the most part, they relate sexually to any other same species animal of the opposite sex. Scientists study animal behavior to help understand how we are to interact, but they overlook a major point, that we’re made by God as spiritual beings in physical bodies. We are not animals. Secularists of our day tell us that sex is to be enjoyed as best suits the individual. But sex is created by God to give an intimacy to marriage not known to any other relationship you have. God designed sex to be a sacred act between one man and one woman for life. Notice that in Genesis, the animals were created both male and female from dirt, but the woman was created from the man’s body. From the beginning, God had a one marriage partner for life idea for a man and a woman. The sexual desire is a gift given by God to human personality. It manifests in men as largely a physical drive, and in women as an emotional response to their loving husbands. Proverbs 5 gives some interesting insight into the sex drives of both men and women: Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well. Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be only your own, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.5 In these verses, the sex drive of the wife is a well, and the sex drive of the husband is a fountain. Married couples have an obligation before the Lord to satisfy one another sexually.6 Sex is a sacred trust between a husband and wife. Being such, its details are for no one else. Any sexual activity outside of marriage is strictly forbidden by God and is labeled as fornication.7 Life is sacred and special to Him, and the act of marriage that creates life is sacred and special to Him, too. Any culture that does not value the sacredness of sex, that it should only be fulﬁlled within the marriage relationship, will have catastrophic 8 | V I C T O RY F E L L O W SHIP CHURCH | WWW.VFGARNER.COM

DON’T CONSIDER DIVORCE AS A WAY TO SOLVE PROBLEMS If you go into marriage with the idea that divorce is a way out of problems that are sure to come, then you’ve set yourself up for failure! Two people coming from two different families and ways of viewing life are bound to disagree! It’s not a matter of if problems arise; they will arise! Susan and I made up our minds before we were married that we would never mention the “D” word. Divorce is a temporary fix that leads to deeper problems. And those who divorce as a way to solve a problem (with the exceptions of abuse or adultery) will find themselves with the same problems again later in life.

HUSBANDS ARE RESPONSIBLE TO LOVE Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own ﬂesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. (Ephesians 5:25-29) The number one need in a wife, according to God, is to be loved by her husband! The Father’s command to the husband is for him to love his wife without conditions, and by putting his needs last, and hers ﬁrst. In Ephesians 5, Jesus loved the church by giving Himself for the church. And husbands are to love their wives the way Jesus loves the church.8

The role of the husband in marriage is to be the head of the wife and family. But it is an authority in the home based on love and giving. It’s a responsibility to make sure that the wife feels loved and secure – spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, as well as physically. Some men think that they show their wives that they love them by being a good provider. That may be part of it, but nothing can replace the three words l love you from an honest heart and by actions that show care. A husband is to nurture and cherish his wife.9 That simply means that he seeks to meet her outward needs for shelter, provision, and protection, and her inwards needs to be loved and cared about. The word cherish in the Greek actually means to soften by heat and is the picture of a mother hen taking her young under her wings to protect them from predators. The young chicks feel safe and secure because of mom’s cherishing love. And a husband’s responsibility before God is to make his wife feel that she is secure and loved. This love that a husband should show to his wife is a love of action. It’s not based on feeling and emotion. It’s based on the love of God for us that is always the same and never changes. A wife needs the security that love from her husband should provide. A woman is created by God to receive love from her husband. That’s where she thrives! Husbands, ask yourself the question every day, Does my wife know by my words and actions that I love her? Ask your wife what you can do to show her that you love her. Be willing to change and adapt to her needs! Some men read Ephesians 5 and have the idea that God gives them the liberty as head of the wife to order her and the rest of the family around. They have the erroneous idea that their family is to serve them as some kind of king. But notice that Jesus loved the church by giving Himself to the point of death. I know Jesus loves me because He sacriﬁced Himself for me. Husband, does your wife know that you love her by the personal sacriﬁces you make for her? Don’t just say “I love you,” but show “I love you” to your wife by helping clean the house, by taking out the trash, by helping her in the kitchen, by putting the kids to bed and letting her have some chill time, by giving her leisure time without the kids and away from the home. The Father holds husbands responsible to love their wives and will treat the husband the way he treats his wife! Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

WIVES ARE TO RESPECT Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24) Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:33) The number one need in a man’s life is to be valued. Nowhere in scripture is the woman commanded to love her husband. Once in Titus, the older women are commanded to teach the younger women to love their husbands. Even here the word for love is not agape, the unconditional love of God, but the Greek word phileo, which is a friendship quality of love. Men normally have a drive that is placed in them by God to accomplish things and succeed in life. (Of course, women do, too!) And the role of a wife is to respect or validate her husband. It’s an innate need in a man. Every man loves to hear an “Atta boy!” from his wife on occasion. Another thing I want to mention here is that these verses in Ephesians mention the wife submitting to her husband. That has to do with

the roles of a husband and a wife in the home. But notice that the husband is supposed to have the attitude towards the wife that Jesus has toward the church. Jesus is the savior of the body of Christ. Jesus served the body of Christ by giving His life blood for it. And there is no wife in the world that wouldn’t be willing to submit to a man who loves her enough to give his life for her and who shows it in word and action! Any husband who wonders why his wife isn’t taking her role in the home should simply ask himself the question, Am I loving my wife the way Jesus loves me? Am I giving of myself to my wife? Really the husband and wife relationship should be the subjection of love to the rule of love.

COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO A HEALTHY MARRIAGE Learning to listen and to honestly bear their hearts to one another is a lifelong journey for a husband and wife. Communication is not saying what you think the other person wants to hear, but clearly sharing your heart thoughts and values. This is something that must be learned. Much of our communication habits come from the environments that we were raised in, and frequently we must retrain ourselves to be real and honest with our spouses. Creating a non-threatening environment of love and acceptance is necessary for any couple that wants to really get close to each other. Everything you disagree on has the potential to form a wedge in the relationship! In a healthy relationship, each person is willing to compromise in certain areas of life and let the other person’s desires be granted. But this should never be a one-way street! I encourage each spouse to yield to the other spouse when they disagree, by allowing the person with the expertise in an area to make the decision. That way, there is a fair sense of balance in a controversial issue, and each spouse learns to give and take. Each spouse should seek to create a “safe harbor” for the other spouse to freely share thoughts and opinions. Several years ago, Susan and I went on a cruise together, and I was amazed at how easily that large ocean liner docked in the docile waters of the harbor each time we came to our destination port. The ocean may have been rough, but because the harbor had three sides and one inlet, the rough waves of the ocean were kept out, and the ship was able to dock easily. Think of creating a “safe harbor” where your spouse can share the deep thoughts of his or her heart without the fear of being attacked. That means you must be willing to humble yourself and listen, and you must be willing to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. (James 1:19) Don’t blame or accuse, but be willing to listen without judgment. That’s the place where heartfelt communication can take place. Our communication habits will make or break any relationship at work or at home. When I think about being a good communicator, a formula I use is A+B=C. A is the issue at hand, whatever you’re dealing with. B is your own thoughts and biases about what is being discussed, based on your past experiences and on your own personal belief system. And C is your response. When you’re speaking with someone, the response you get is almost always tempered by the B, that is, by a person’s past experiences and personal beliefs. That’s the reason ten people can view the same situation and come up with ten diﬀerent ways to describe it! The issue ﬁltered through each person’s thoughts and experiences produces differing ways of responding. Emotional wounds that are not forgiven can become bitter roots that easily cloud our thinking and hinder good communication. We’re encouraged not to let the sun go down on our wrath or anger. That means that each day, we should clear our minds and hearts of any offense that occurred that day. We should forgive and forget, daily releasing every person from the liability of wrong done to us. That way, we VICTORIOUS LIVING | M AY / J U N E 2 0 0 8 | 9

start each day with a fresh perspective. But if you harbor offense, that offense will temper your responses to those close to you and will stifle good, heartfelt communication.

YOUR FAMILY HAS LEFT DEPOSITS IN YOUR SOUL Getting married is a one-day event. You become one spirit with your mate that day, one flesh with your mate on your wedding night, but it takes perhaps years to become one in the way you think about and respond to life! I like to say it this way: Every person has a video playing in them of what they saw in the home when they were young. We all have preconceived ideas of what a normal family is like. We have our own ideas of how a husband should treat his wife and of how a wife should act towards her husband. Our communication habits are a direct result of our family upbringing. If you had well-adjusted parents who valued you, gave you space to be yourself, who taught you to value others and their opinions, who modeled putting others first, who allowed you to freely express your own thoughts and opinions even when those thoughts and opinions did not agree with theirs, then you had some really emotionally and mentally healthy parents! Most of us bring baggage from home when we leave. And we have judgments that we sometimes carry from mom or dad, including how they related to each other and to us. These judgments can become strongholds that color what we think about ourselves and how we deal with our spouses in marriage. Hebrews 12:15 reads: Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled. An excellent exercise for any person is to write the names of family members and significant people in your life on a sheet of paper, with plenty of space in between each name. The list should include mother, father, brothers, sisters, relatives, teachers, friends, bosses, coaches, lovers, etc. When you say each name, what comes to mind? If there is emotional pain attached to that person, then you may need to deal with bitter root thoughts that have the potential to harm your relationship with your spouse and children. Often our current responses are the results of buried thoughts of anger and judgment that bring emotional pain. Write a one-sentence statement under the name of each person on your list that describes what an association with that person did to you and how it made you feel. Once you complete the list, go before the Father and take each person before Him one at a time. Go over each sentence that you listed and tell the Father about the experience and how it made you feel. Then, on purpose, choose to forgive the person of the offense, and in prayer before the Father, forgive them of what they did to harm you or to bring you emotional pain. Tell the Father that you forgive them and release them from the liability to make what they did right to you. Forgive them by faith! Then, in the ensuing days, weeks, and months, when that person or what they did comes to mind, tell the Father that you have forgiven them by faith and no longer hold any ill will towards them at all. If you’ll keep this up day after day, eventually the sour emotions towards the person will fade and give way to the peace of God ruling your heart and mind. Many personal relationship issues in marriage can be traced back to bitter root judgments and bitter root expectations that come from those judgments. If a father was unkind, aloof, and hurtful emotionally, a wife could easily unconsciously treat her husband in a distant way due to emotional pain stemming from a bitter root thought. If you find yourself acting and reacting in a way that is far beyond the current situation, you may be dealing with a bitter root thought and a bitter root expectation that stems from that thought. These kinds of 1 0 | V I C T O RY F E L L O WSHIP CHURCH | WWW.VFGARNER.COM

issues frequently hinder good communication in marriage. You may need the help of a trusted friend or someone on your pastoral staﬀ to help deal with some of these issues. Get help if you need it. Your marriage is worth it!

A WORD TO THE SINGLE PERSON If you’re single because you’ve never been married, or because you’ve been divorced, the best thing you can do is to put God first and work on your spiritual life. Marriage may be in your future, but the Father wants you to be satisfied wherever you are in life. If you’re not satisfied with life as a single person, you won’t be satisfied as a married person, either. Listen to 1 Corinthians 7:32-35: I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you’re unmarried, you’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I’m trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.10 Involve yourself in fellowship with other believers who are zealous for God! Iron sharpens iron! Get involved in small groups where you can really pour your heart out to others in a safe environment. Everyone must deal forthrightly with their sexuality. Married couples should care for one another. And single persons must commit their bodies and passions to God! The sexual drive must be controlled, or it will control you! If you watch TV or movies with sexual content, your passions will be stirred, so refuse to compromise in this area. And control your thought life by meditating on the Word during the day when your mind is idle. Your body does what your mind allows.

MAKE A DEPOSIT EVERY DAY If you are married, let me encourage you to make a deposit into your marriage every day. Call your spouse and just chat for a moment. Plan times for lunch together. Plan a date night each week. Nurture your relationship with your words, thoughts, and actions. Your strong marriage can have a positive eﬀect on others. Lighting a candle so others can see is so much better than cursing the darkness.

Matthew 5:13 You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its ﬂavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. 2. Genesis 2:7 And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being. 3. KJV 4. Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” 5. Proverbs 5:15-19 6. See 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 7. See 1 Corinthians 6:13-20 8. See Ephesians 5:22-33 9. Ephesians 5:29 10. Scripture taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. 1.

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GRACE IS ENOUGH

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16TH 2008 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing. And I testify again to every man who becomes circumcised that he is a debtor to keep the whole law. You have become estranged from Christ, you who attempt to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace. For we through the Spirit eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness by faith. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision avails anything, but faith working through love (Galatians 5:1-6). The believers in Galatia were encouraged by Paul to continue living in the grace of God and to not revert back to the keeping of the law to appease a guilty conscience. The Judaizers as we call them were demanding that these newly converted Jewish believers submit to circumcision and obedience to the law as well as to their faith in Jesus. The purpose of the law was to reveal the weakness and inability of the flesh. The law was our schoolmaster to bring us to Christ. The law could never save from sin. The law, with its demands for outward rigid performance, is impossible to keep without the indwelling of the Spirit. Paul urges with great intensity and passion for those who are in Christ to remain free from the dictatorial demands of religion that places accomplishment of outward demands in the place of a living current relationship with the Father. Here in Galatians, he contrasts the works of the flesh, or the works of the law with the fruit of faith, or the fruit of the spirit. One is cold and lifeless, while the other is alive and invigorating. Life with Jesus frees us from the outward demands of the law because it creates a desire for closeness with the Father and a motivation to shun anything that would compromise that intimacy with the Most High. Walking in the grace of God creates a liberty that frees me to respond to the Father from within and literally cancels the yearning of the flesh!

Finish reading this article and others like it at www.pastor.vfgarner.com

INTRODUCTION TO CLST. Victory Fellowship has joined with Christian Life School of Theology in Columbus, Georgia, to provide a school to prepare believers for obeying the call of God upon their lives as ambassadors for Christ. Christian Life School of Theology is accredited by Transnational Association of Christian Colleges and Schools (TRACS) to award degrees through the Master of Divinity and has been granted authorization to begin offering courses leading to the Doctor of Ministry Degree. In-depth studies are provided in Bible, Counseling, Christian Development, Church Growth and other related topics. These studies are designed to prepare Christian Workers for pastoral, counseling, evangelistic, teaching, music, youth, children’s, and other ministries. They are also designed to enrich one’s spiritual life, along with strengthening the ministry of the local church. If you are not a member of Victory Fellowship, you must be grounded in a local church in order to participate in the courses offered at our campus.

COURSE DATE

UPCOMING COURSE. Great Systematic Theology I June 19th - 21st / Dr. John Durden This course is part one of a foundational study of the doctrines of the Bible concerning inspiration of scripture, God, Christ, the Holy Spirit and angels.

SIGN UP TODAY AND RECEIVE YOUR BOOK AND SYLLABUS! For more information on Beacon Institute of Ministry, please contact Shawn Tracy at 550.0618.

COURSE TITLE

INSTRUCTOR

January 17th - 19th

“Apologetics”

Dr. James A. Burkett

February 21st - 23rd

“Interpersonal Relationships and Personality Patterns”

Dr. David L. Baldwin

March 20th - 22nd

“Stones of Remembrance”

April 17th - 19th

“Paul: The Man”

May 15th - 17th

“The Book of Proverbs”

June 19th - 21st

“Great Systematic Theology I”

July 17th - 19th

“Godly Foundations For Parenting”

August 14th - 16th

“The Book of Ezekiel”

September 18th - 20th

“New Strategies For Evangelism”

October 16th - 18th

“The Book of Mark”

November 13th - 15th

“Great Christian Personalities I”

December 2008

Dr. Fuschia Pickett Dr. Ronald E. Cottle Dr. Charles H. Gaulden Dr. John Durden Dr. Larry Keefauver Dr. Charles H. Gaulden Dr. Gerald Johnson Rev. Terry Mahan Dr. Jerry Goff

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