06 June2009

€1.00

The send a joke by text went very well last month with a multitude of jokes coming in.

Unfortunately not all were publishable, even in The Smuggler. Congrats go to Corky from Altea who wins the â‚Ź25. Give Paul a ring on 690 345 135 from the phone you used to text the joke and we will arrange to get the money to you.

This month we have six tickets to the Joe Longthorne show being held on the 9th & 10th of August at the Benidorm Palace. (See advert inside back cover) We will give the tickets out in three sets of two, to the best three text jokes. The top joke will also get the â‚Ź25.00. Please remember to put your name in the text and that you are transmitting your number so that we can call you back. Results of last months competition can be seen on page 53. (Ed)

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Letters to the Editor.

Dear Editor I don't know how you can make jokes about people dying or who are about to die. My brother died on 9/11, when the twin towers were attacked - he left behind two little girls and a boy. You lot have no idea of the pain his family goes through every time you mention that date. Even if people don't read this sick magazine, the jokes still continue and are passed around by text, so don't give me that "You shouldn't be reading our mag which is for depraved people like us", it doesn't lessen the grief. My brother was a good man, it's such a shame that he got caught up in it all and that the FBI didn't question why he was taking flying lessons in the first place. Name withheld.

Dear Editor "I'm a 14-year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year old man for online webcam fun. Email me: operationlolita@metpolice.uk"

Dear Editor Jade Goody has been portrayed by the media as a heroine for raising awareness about cervical cancer, in spite of the fact that she forgot to have a smear test. Last year, I forgot to turn off an unlit oven before leaving for work. The ensuing explosion killed my wife and three children. Was I portrayed by the media as a hero for raising awareness about gas safety? Was I hell.

Dear Editor Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents? "He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter." "Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family." "They died together, the perfect couple till the end.”

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife. Kind of makes me immortal.

the water supply. I guess old habits die hard.

Dear Editor Heard this in Eurobazar in Javea yesterday. Bloke walks in and says, “Do you sell bereavement cards?”. The woman said that yes, they do.

Bloke replies, “Well can I exchange it for this 'get well' card I bought yesterday?”

Dear Editor How come the movie 'White Men Can't Jump' isn't racist, yet, when I try to make a movie called 'Black Men Can't Get Jobs,' I get called a racist?

Dear Editor You should all be ashamed for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! They can't even stand up for themselves.

Dear Editor All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

Dear Editor I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him The Smuggler takes no respon- to the ground and punched him sibility whatsoever on behalf of unconscious. The police arrived Dear Editor advertisers with regard to any and arrested me. Apparently What is it with Tom on the claims made by, or information they use actors on the show.

NSPCC advert? He keeps walking into a table, a chair, or given in, advertisements even a fist! Clumsy little twat. contained within this publica- Dear Editor tion. Under no circumstances I had a German plumber round He needs a bloody good smack. Name withheld. can any part of this publication the other day to fix my shower. He accidentally including text, illustrations, connected the gas supply to photographs or complete advertisements, be reproDeadline for adverts for the month of July is duced in any form without the express permission in writing 25th June 09 of The Smuggler editor.

D.L. V-464-2008 CIF. E98018625 3

Dear Editor Who says men can't multi-task?

I can hump my wife and think about her sister at the same time.

blushed. "I have a large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is busy today, but I'm sure I can squeeze you in," she replied.

were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

With Britain becoming worse and worse by the day, I propose that we all seek Dear Editor Statistically... 9 out of 10 asylum somewhere.I suggest A recent report on Sky News people enjoy gang rape.

Pakistan:We could build a huge said that 60% of UK kids are church in the middle of overweight, while a report Statistically... 9/11 Americans Islamabad that dominates the later that day on BBC News won't get this joke. skyline, set up chippys and said that 72% of UK kids are shops on every corner, assault having under-age sex...so who's Statistically, 6 out of 7 the locals who dare to come shagging all the fat kids? dwarves are not happy. into "our" part of town, set up specialist shops selling pork Dear Editor Christianity: One woman's lie products and non-halal meat.

Did anyone else enjoy the about having an affair that got irony of dozens of Ethiopians seriously out of hand.

I can't see the big deal with and Kenyans racing through calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's London knowing the winner Ultimate phone prank! Call just the same as calling an would be awarded an empty the child line number and say Australian an Aussie, a silver plate?

'I’ve just dialed 1471 and this Scotsman a Scot or a number came up, who is this?' Frenchman a Cunt.

David Beckham has joked 2. Operator that when he is in bed with replies 'You're Victoria she always teases him through to child for having such a small cock, line' but his teammates in the 3. You shout shower after football always 'TERRY YOU compliment him on how LITTLE CUNT, massive it is.Well, that's the NOT difference an erection makes... AGAIN....COME HERE YOU I phoned that Childline the LITTLE other day: what a fucking jip, BASTARD''. you can tell they're adult before hanging voices. I lost my erection up the phone straight away.

How does A guy walked into his doctor's every Black joke surgery to book an start? By looking appointment with his regular over your GP. "Would you like to tell me shoulder! your problem?" the receptionist quietly asked. "You What do see, I need the information for spinach and anal the doctor." "It's quite sex have in embarrassing, actually," the guy common? If you 4

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A teacher tells her class to I bought some of them make a sentence out of the word ‘dough’. Little Jane made the sentence, “You make a pizza out of dough.” Little Mary made the sentence, “My brother makes things with PlayDough.”

Of course, Little Johnny, the dirty bastard, stands up and says, “My dad has got a little cock, so my mum uses a dill dough!”

‘ribbed’ condoms. Now that’s what I call a groovy kind of love!

I beat up this white bloke and I got arrested and charged with GBH. Next day I beat up this black bloke and got charged with impersonating a police officer. You just can’t win!

I see Jade Goody’s will I’m sick to bloody death of has just been released, and

people knocking on my door asking for donations. A woman was round here yesterday asking for donations to help infertile men, so I gave her a right mouthful!

she’s left money to causes close to her heart. The BNP are delighted.

A campo-dweller was

sitting on the train from Gandia to Valencia, opposite a very A blonde phones the fire attractive woman who was brigade and says her house is wearing a mini-skirt. “Are you on fire. The fireman asked, looking at my fanny?” the “How do we get there?” woman asked the campoThe blonde replied, “In the dweller. “Ohh, yes,” replied the fucking big red lorry!” campo-dweller. “Sorry!”

“Oh, don’t worry,” replied the A man with no arms or woman. “You see, it’s a very legs enters the Special Olymtalented fanny. I can make it pics, and makes it through to blow you a kiss!” the final of the swimming event. Sure enough, the fanny blows He jumps in and sinks to the him a kiss. bottom. One of the other “I can also make it wink at competitors manages to get you,” Sure enough, the fanny him out. “Why did you jump winks at him. The campoin?” he was asked. “I trained dweller is staring openfor five years to swim with my mouthed with amazement. ears and then some bastard “Come over here and sit with puts a cap on my head!” me,” the woman says. The campo-dweller sits next to her.

“Would you like to stick two I was addicted to PlayStation. It ruined my life. But fingers in?” the woman asks. not to worry, I’ve still got two “Bloody hell!” blurts the campo-dweller, “Does the lives left! fucking thing whistle as well?”

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First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

Both get shoved down your throat by a Priest

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape...

I can't think of anything or shoplifting? worse after a night of I lost my virginity to a drinking than waking up retarded girl last night... I next to someone and wanted my first time to not being able to be special. remember their name, or how you met, or why Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down they're dead. and seeing that limp used condom hanging off Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. your dick...Particularly when you weren't 3.14159265 dead. wearing one when you started.

Like most people my age, I'm 27 "I just don't get it, everyone goes on about What does a bible and David Beckham being a penis have in common? thick...... but nobody says

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Petrol prices xx

the only place in the world where you can happily make jokes about the blind, dyslexics, BEFORE autistics, and cripples ....but you MARRIAGE: face moral outrage if you dare Husband duplicate the odd joke...

Aaah! ...At I went to see the nurse this last! I can morning for my annual checkhardly wait! up. She said I had to stop Wife - Do wanking. When I asked why you want me she said, "Because I'm trying to to leave? examine you!"

Husband No! Don't 10 reasons why men are lazy:1) even think about it.

Going to war over religion is Wife - Do basically killing one another to you love me? see who's got the better Husband imaginary friend...

Of course!

Always have Barclay's are apparently and always "Fluent in Finance." Well, that's will!.

DEDICATION fantastic. It’s just a shame none Because you’re to close to level 70 to give a Wife - Have of the fucking Indians that you ever fuck about visiting Grandma. answer their phones are fluent cheated on in English. me?

Husband Surgeon: I have good news & anything about Stephen No! Why are you even Hawking being shit at football, asking? do they? Mind you, give credit Wife - Will you kiss where it's due - he's great at me? dribbling.

Husband - Every chance I get!

Prince Harry. He's just like Wife- Will you hit me and you really. He uses me? words like "paki" and Husband - Hell no! "raghead". Wonder if he's got Are you crazy?! any good Diana jokes!

Wife- Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes. Shhhhhh!! Don't tell anyone. Wife – Darling!

I'm gonna go down on you.

AFTER And you're gonna love it. But MARRIAGE: read it's only going to be long from the bottom to enough to let you start the top. enjoying it. Then I'm gonna come back up again and fuck Working for The you big time. Lots of love, Smuggler is crazy! It's 8

bad news. Bad news is your op is very risky.

100 to 1 you’ll die.

The good news is my last 99 patients all died!

teacher the school had ever seen.

We call our granddad "Spiderman". He hasn't got any super powers he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

I started writing poetry the other day: POETR. That's coming along nicely.

A few years ago now, I got kicked out of secondary school. The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from my class.

When I was leaving, he said it was a pity, because he reckoned I was the best Math’s

What does a ginger miss most about parties? The invitation.

An American walks into a Library.15 dead.

Boom Boom……..

I masterbated over a blind girl yesterday.

She never saw me coming.

So Rihanna was beaten up by her fella, ella, ella.

Science flies you to

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the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.

I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting, "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!" Then I was told by security that that sort of behavior wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.

"120."So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is

A pig flu? I thought that was impossible.

A popular bar in Javea had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "140."So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research. The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded,

What is the most stupid animal in the jungle? A polar bear.

What's the difference between toast and a Frenchman? You can make soldiers out of toast.

I have a friend on Facebook whose status says "Suicidal – Standing on the edge of a cliff". So I poked him...

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great last view of her arse.

12% liked the excitement and 82% just liked the silence.

Smuggler Tip: When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again. This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's love, and come back. fantastic."

A third guy came in to the bar.

As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "65."The robot then said, "So, how are things in Benidorm these days?"

I took my girlfriend round to see my family today. My wife went fucking mental.

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. They get really pissed off when you go in and ask them if they’ve got a coat I'm about three years into my hanger. relationship now and I've started to have erection What's long and hard and difficulties. My girlfriend and I makes women groan? An have different ideas as to what Ironing Board. the problem is: She bought me some Viagra; And I've bought What's the difference between Canada, Mexico and her a treadmill.

America? America has nice neighbours.

In a recent survey into blow jobs and why men liked them A man walks up to a woman so much, 6% liked the feeling, 10

in a bar and says, "You're going to get laid tonight". A bit surprised, she asks, "Really?

How do you know that? Are you psychic?"" No, I'm just stronger than you."

doctors seem to be Muslim so I find that a bacon rasher is far more effective.

The McCann's revealed today that they have spent 1,000,000 quid in their search for Maddie. I assume that includes the tenner they decided not to spend on a babysitter.

One of the big differences between American English and British English is that Americans tend to drop the letter "U" from certain words, like colour and honour. What a bnch of stpid fcking cnts.

Apparently the symptoms of swine flu are; sweating, excessive body odour and laziness. No wonder it went unnoticed for so long in Spain.

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday. I said, "Give me all your money now, bitch, or you're geography."

"Don't you mean history?" she replied. I said, "Don't try to change the subject."

I just applied for planning Illegal Immigrants permission for Millions of the fuckers get in and only one a new-build bastard actually works. house in the UK. It was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft dyslexics to take a light-bulb? wide with nine turrets at various heights and windows all Another shit joke about over the place. It would have cancer? Oh goody. parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green.

Just been to the gym and The council told me to fuck off. there's a new machine there. I So I sent in the application only used it for about an hour, again, but this time I called it a as I started to feel sick, but it's Mosque. Building work starts great: it's got KitKats, Mars on Monday. bars, crisps and everything in it.

What's the biggest difference One. How many psychics does between men and women? it take to change a lightbulb?

What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box There's an old saying: An of tissues watching that film." apple a day keeps the doctors away. But nowadays most How does it change many 11

I'm one of those people that likes to read while I'm having a shit. This is also the reason why I'm banned from W.H. Smiths.

Some mornings I wake up

bitchy. Other mornings I let her sleep.

something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will The main reason obesity tease you about it every chance exists? Because bullying has What’s the worst thing about I get until you're NOT. been banned. getting a lung transplant? The 5. When you are worried -- I first couple of times you cough, will tell you stories about how My girlfriend came round much worse it could be until it’s not your phlegm. unexpectedly the other day. you stop whingeing.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Are you tired of those 6. When you are confused -- I Value chloroform. will try to use only little piss weak 'friendship' poems words.. that always sound good, but We've noticed from the 7. When you are sick -- Stay never actually come close to emails we receive that we the hell away from me until you reality? seem to be getting are well again. I more and more don't want whatcomplaints from ever you have. feminist. Hope they get 8. When you fall I their tits out! will laugh at your clumsy arse, but I'll A woman walks into a help you up. library and asks for a 9. This is my oath.... book on euphemisms.

I pledge it to the So the librarian took end. 'Why?' you her up the rear aisle may ask; because and let her have it. you are my friend.

232 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

Girls: If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...He's just not very good at predictive text.

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

I hate double standards. Like if a girl goes out and sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a "slut". Yet if a guy does it...he's considered a "homosexual".

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Greek army Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get hammered and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of 12

motto: Never leave your buddies behind!

What’s long and hard that a Greek bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name.

Definition of incest in Germany: Going down on your Hans and Niece.

Happiness is a warm Smuggler!

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough.

She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9. ' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do

drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.

Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink!

Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.. Plop!

Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then stagA man is waiting for his gers to the right through the wife to give birth. The doctor front door, into the street, comes in and informs the dad where a truck runs over him that his son was born without and kills him instantly The bar torso, arms or legs. The son is falls silent. just a head! But the dad loves The father moans in grief. The his son and raises him as well bartender sighs and says, as he can, with love and com'He should've quit while he was passion. After 21 years, the son a head. is now old enough for his first not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants..'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with a n 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade!! I got the last seven questions wrong.....

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A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.

So, who wants to go first?'

The Englishman piped up. 'B-bb-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.

'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-pp-p-aisley'.

'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?'

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '.

'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said . -d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.

and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want.

You juss ask.

Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls...

Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable A young Chinese sarcastic remarks as he dragged couple gets married. She's a An attorney arrived home himself up the stairs. virgin. Truth be told, he is a late, after a very tough day While he was in the bath, the virgin too, but she doesn't trying to get a stay of phone rang. The wife answered know that. On their wedding execution.

His last minute plea and was told that her husband's night, she cowers naked under for clemency to the governor client, James Wright, had been the sheets as her husband unhad failed and he was feeling granted a stay of execution dresses in the darkness. worn out and depressed. afterall. Wright would not be He climbs into bed next to her As soon as he walked through hanged tonight.

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Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING STOP?!'

facilitate identification and in order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the virus, you should be aware of the following symptoms; 1. Sore throat.

2. Persistent slight headache.

3. Nausea or upset stomach.

4. Uncontrollable urge to f**k about in the mud.

A young man moved into

a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to As you were advised put his name on his mailbox. through an earlier Health De- While there, an attractive partment advisory letter there young lady came out of the is a distinct possibility of an apartment next to the outbreak and epidemic of mailboxes, wearing a robe.

Swine Flu in this country. To The boy smiled at the young

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woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she

asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered .

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me.'

Thoughts From The Office 1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

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A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may

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Q. Dear Auntie. I have lots of problems, many more than all my friends. When I try and talk to them about how unhappy I am, they just seem to get a glazed look and start humming to themselves. Why is my life so crap and what can I do? (Susie, Adzubia) Auntie says: I’m afraid life is hard and it is just tough titties deary.

Sadly, I met a lot of people like you while I was a Samaritan and I shall give you the same advice as I gave them: pull yourself together and for god’s sake, cheer up!

Nobody likes an old moaner after all.

Q. I went into the office of a telecommunications company recently to ask some technical questions and was faced with two women! Imagine my joy when the boss walked in, and him being a man I could direct my technical questions to him. I find that increasingly there are women working in “men’s” areas such as these and I am unable to ask for the information I require. Am I the only one who thinks like this? (Mr Dick. Oliva – the nice bit, not the crap bit with lots of foreigners in).

Auntie says: Sadly, no, you bigoted old arse! There are many men like yourself who think you need to be equipped with a penis

to be “technical”. I myself worked for many years as a telecommunications technical adviser and I do not and never have been in possession of a penis. Though I do have a considerable amount of facial hair. I think perhaps you are misogynist as well as a narrow minded old fart and there is little hope for you.

Q. My new husband doesn’t like me shopping in charity shops. He makes me buy all my clothes from Zara and Mango. I miss the smell of the charity shop clothes and the thrill of getting a right good bargain. Do you think I should I take up shoplifting instead?

(Sadie, Orcheta) Auntie says: I think that is a bit extreme don’t you? And not very likely to go down well with your husband if you get caught.

Perhaps you could spill some coffee down your new stuff thus creating an authentic charity shop, suspicious-looking stain.

You could also try rumpling and snagging lovely new clothes so they look old and well-worn. Go in and ask the nice ladies in the charity shop where they buy the “Charity Shop Spray” that they must surely all use to give the clothes that unique fusty, old folksy, pantsy smell and spray it over your new clothes. That will make you feel better. Personally I would secretly keep on buying 20

clothes from the charity shop and pocket the money you save and spend it on something you really like. Like gin.

Q. My problem is that I am a vicar and I love preaching sermons and listening to other people’s problems and all that shit but the thing is that I go out to darts on a Saturday night and inevitably end up getting absolutely wankered on ale and then feel crap on Sunday morning. There is just nothing worse than standing up and talking to a church-full about heaven when you have the hangover from hell. Do you think there is any way I can avoid working on Sundays?

(Reverend B, Calpe) Auntie says: Have you considered becoming a Rabbi? The Jewish holy day starts at sunset on Friday and ends at sunset on Saturday, just in time for darts so you can get the preaching bit over and done with (with a clear head), get off for your night out and sleep your hangover off on the Sunday.

21

22

Dear Mr Addison, I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.

However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gasmongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.

Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to

disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking faรงade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1.The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely, H J Lee.

Customer Relations.

23

World's Most Pungent man appealed for the phantom the Earth.

Fart - Culprit Sought farter to give him/herself up to The proposed law was put to At approximately 15:03 hours BST, an unknown person dropped what can only be described as the world's most pungent fart in London's bustling West End. It is thought that the fart was released between Piccadilly Circus and Leicester Square, before encroaching upon a wide area of the nation's capital.

As the seriousness of the malodorous event became clear, a state of emergency was hastily declared. Casualties soon began to mount. People collapsed at the epicentre, and several policemen were knocked off their feet by the secondary blast.

As the fart spread its toxic wings over the stricken city, glasses of foaming beer went instantly flat, wallpaper peeled off walls in strips, birds plummeted from the sky, traffic mounted the pavements, windows buckled, milk turned sour and several buildings had to be evacuated.

Transport was greatly affected, Underground services between Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, Tottenham Court Road, Charing Cross and Covent Garden were suspended, roadblocks were set up around the M25, and all air traffic was diverted.

A Metropolitan Police spokes-

the House of Commons yesterday and received an astounding majority vote. The deportation law includes sex offenders who have already been convicted, have done their time and even those who are still serving their sentence and wasting taxpayer’s money Paedophiles to be deported from Earth. keeping them alive, such as murderous beast Ian Huntley.

Child protection agencies have While it is widely believed that come up with a new scheme to people have been exploring stop paedophilia for good. space travel for many decades All paedos, once committed of now so they can find a new planet for all humans once we have exhausted the Earth's resources, the truth has finally been exposed: space explorers are looking for another planet to dump unwanted evil predators.

The child protection agency spokesperson, Mariah McKey, was asked how the paedos were going to survive on Mars an offence, will be deported without an atmosphere and from the UK. And, since no such extreme temperatures. other country will take them McKey replied that they had in, they will be asked to leave not thought about that, but the health authorities for treatment.

The French government are bracing themselves for the possibility that the fart will move on to France through the Channel Tunnel.

24

London Violin College.

Home Of The Mean Fiddler may discuss it after the paedos have been blasted off into space.

"If the rocket ship was to accidentally be pointed at the sun and blasted off in that direction, that would be an accident of course, but you know, shit happens."

ing, tennis court maintenance, gardening, phantom second homes etc.

MP's are not happy.

"I didn't get involved in politics for this," one told us. "What right do the public have to know what I'm fiddling with creative accounting? Expenses are a perk of the job, or at Disillusioned least they were. Now MPs Quit In even that's gone down Droves. the shitter. I'm gonna MP's have come out quit. I'm tired of having fighting after being ac- my every move spied cused of being a bunch on by the taxpayer's of money grubbing, champions. Who the corrupt, expense abus- fuck do the taxpayers ing, lying, thieving, for- think they are anyway? nicating, depraved, Bunch of fucking losers. degenerate, hypocriti- Stick it up your arse." cal, perverted, evil bas- We asked one MP why tards. on earth he had subIn spite of concrete mitted an expenses evidence which proves request for 'cosmetic that MP's have submit- surgery on my cock in ted expense requests order to make it more for - among other appealing to Hazel things - horse shit, Blears'?

Christmas decorations, The MP declined to dog food, moat clean- comment.

25

Dear Mr Smuggler I am good stuff like ice cream, writing this letter in the hope that you will include it in you magazine as a warning to your female readers.

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.

Every once in a while, I find a ÂŁ5 note stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me.

I go to the ATM and withdraw ÂŁ100, and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing.

Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the

biscuits, and sweets. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realises this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my wardrobes when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organised.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me.

She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it.

And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone.

Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She has done other things-like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier and all the knob and taps harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, ap26

plying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolises it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!

I hope she never finds out where you live.

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?

A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: What should Iraqis get for their air defence systems?

A: A refund....

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?

A: Divorced.

27

asks for a condom.

The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies…..

Don’t be thucking thupid I’d thufficate.

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.

Heaven is Where: The statement above is false.

The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, I may be schizophrenic, The Mechanics are but at least I have each other.

German, The Lovers are French and it's all or- I am a Nobody. ganized by the Swiss. Nobody is Perfect.

Therefore I am Perfect.

Hell is Where: The Police are GerDyslexics Have More Nuf. man, The Chefs are British, The MechanOther than that, Mrs. ics are French, The lovers are Swiss and it's all or- Lincoln, how was the play? ganized by the Italians.

28

29

When you work here, Corduroy pillows are makyou can name your own salary. ing headlines!

I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.

Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts.

Why? ‘Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at Suicidal twin kills sister by work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think mistake! nuts.

“BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!”

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Smuggler Tips.

I am having an out-of-money Always keep several get well

experience.

They will think you've been sick and unable to clean !

cards on the mantle...

So if unexpected guests arrive, 30

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.

Accept that some

questionnaire to ensure days you are the pigeon, that you are not. and some days you are If you treat the the statue. people around you with If your boss is get- love and respect, they ting you down, look at will never guess that him through the prongs you're trying to get them sacked. of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all If you can keep your evidence you ever tried. head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably have- You have to be n't understood the seri- 100% behind someone, ousness of the situation. before you can stab them in the back.

You don't have to If work was so good, be mad to work here! the rich would have In fact we ask you to kept more of it for complete a medical themselves.

31

32

33

I was told long ago, "The to his meat supplier to whom day a black man becomes President of the USA, pigs will fly."

Well, 130 days into office ‘Swine flu’.

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 euro note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes

he owes E100. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit. The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100back and departs.

There was no profit or income.

But everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeo34

ple look optimistically towards their future.

Leroy goes to listen to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over, to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?” Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy says, “I don't know, Reverend. It's not until next Wednes-

day.”

35

WASHINGTON, D.C. Louisiana-born porn star Stormy Daniels has just been named by President Barack Obama to head up the newlyestablished Department of Sex. Miss Daniels, 30, will be the nation's first Secretary of Sex. In her role she will be responsible to make sure that no members of the president's cabinet put themselves in a situation where their integrity, character, or honour will be compromised.

Stormy, whose real name is Dandelion Blossom Daniels was a crayfish history major at Cajun Queen University in Ponchatoula, Louisiana.

Her junior year she was voted "The Cajun Queen University Queen of The Creole Food Fixin Festival." During her senior year she was ovewhelmingly voted "Campus Coed With The Sexiest Looking Lap." Stormy left the university shortly after the alleged athletic department incident which the local paper, The Ponchatoula Morning Etouffee referred to as The Stormy Daniels / Cajun Queen Basketball Team Unfortunate Bus Incident.

Eventually all of the charges were dropped but the basketball affair did manage to put an impromptu end to the Cajun Queen Bayou Buccaneers basketball program.

All of the players managed to

And Anderson Cooper will be portraying Rick the bus driver).

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm Stormy Daniels serious, Dad. Can you help?"

Just been named by President I put my best lizard-healer Barack Obama to be the new statement on my face and folSecretary of Sex. lowed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was transfer to other schools. Key- indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately Beau Daywater is presently knew what to do. "Honey," playing pro ball in Spain and LaBeau Breen has been drafted I called, "come look at the lizard!" Oh my gosh," my wife by the Boston Celtics.

Ms. Daniels said that thanks to diagnosed after a minute. "She's Donald Trump and one of the having babies." "What?" my son best tattoo removal doctors in demanded. "But their names the nation she was able to have are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, the names of all ten Cajun how can that be? I thought we Queen basketball team memsaid we didn't want them to bers removed from her back reproduce," I accused my wife. with just a minor amount of "Well, what do you want me to pain. do, post a sign in their cage?"

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Stormy she inquired. (I actually think wrote a book about the basshe said this sarcastically!) ketball incident. It is entitled, "No, but you were supposed to How Many Flagrant Fouls Is A get two boys!" I reminded her, Girl Supposed To Take Before (in my most loving, calm, sweet One Is Called. MGM has alvoice, while gritting my teeth ready purchased the movie together). "Yeah, Bert and rights and they plan on having Ernie!" my son agreed.

Angelina Jolie star in the lead- "Well, it's just a little hard to ing role. Roger Clemens has tell on some guys, you know," been signed to play the Bayou she informed me. (Again with Buccaneer mascot, Jambalaya. the sarcasm, you think?)

36

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.

"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!

What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her

womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a Csection?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour.

In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um...masturbate.

Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet Smuggler replied, relieved Office. that we understood. More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming 37

affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.

He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker?

Priceless‌

What a mouth full.

A Singapore woman who hired a private detective to probe her husband's suspected infidelities got more than sufficient material for a divorce when the gumshoe witnessed the chap's secretary accidentally bite off his todger.

According to reports in China Press and, we kid you not, the Sin Chew Daily, the 30-yearold woman was orally pleasuring her boss in a parked car in a Singapore park when the vehicle was hit by a reversing van.

The investigator recounted: “On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently. After the car was hit by the van, there was a

loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood.�

The private dick called an ambulance which whisked the victim to hospital. The woman "later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ".

The detective admitted it was "the first time he had encountered such an incident".

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it

isn't.' 'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules..'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde .

'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!

Two Frenchmen Arrested After Failed Bank Robbery in Benidorm.

The two decided to rob a bank opposite a Civil Guard barracks in the town.

Two French citizens, both aged 39, have been arrested in con38

nection with an attempted bank robbery. The bank branch is directly opposite the Trafico Guardia Civil barracks in Benidorm, and one of the bank employees managed to attract the attention of Civil Guards who were at the door of their barracks at the time of the robbery.

It happened just before 2pm in Avenida Beniardá, when the two, now in custody, entered the bank armed with a pistol and demanding the safe be opened. When the Guardia Civil crossed the street the two men tried to run off and a car chase ensued with the arrest of one of the robbers and the second was detained later in El Campello as he was packing to leave his home.

The two, who had fake beards and moustaches, had also planned another robbery in Valencia.

What’s the closest thing to a woman’s period? Your salary; it comes once a month. Last between five and seven days, and if it doesn’t come, you’re fucked!

39

At the Sunday morning

him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a church service, the minister very delicate operation, which asked if anyone in the lasted for over five hours, and congregation would like to it turned out they were able to express praise for answered piece together the crushed prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to podium. She said, "I have a hold it in place." Again, the men Praise.

Two months ago, my husband, in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomTom, had a terrible bicycle fortably as they imagined the accident and his scrotum horrible surgery that was perwas completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doc- formed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a tors didn't know if they could quavering voice, "thank the help him." You could hear a Lord, after six weeks, muffled gasp from all the men Tom is now out of the hospital in the congregation as they and the doctors say that with imagined the pain that poor time, his scrotum should reTom must have experienced. cover completely." All the "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tenta"and every movement caused

40

tively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Russian, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman and an American, and a Scotsman walked into a bar.

The barman said, "Hold on a minute, is this some sort of joke?�

41

Cyd the Cynic

working. So, after the obligatory three (six?) months of lying in the sun, we set about looking for work.

Moving to Spain had long been Sure enough, within days of a dream of ours. My wife and I starting her job hunt, my wife had found a legal job, with conwere too impatient to wait tract, holiday pay, health beneuntil we had retired, and too fits and prospects. poor to live here without Sure enough, within months of Your First Six Months in Spain Are The Best

42

starting my job hunt, I was still sitting on the sofa in my underpants.

Searching for work had been interrupting my leisure time, but it pacifies my wife if she believes that I'm diligently seeking employment. A content woman will do pleasing things.

So, occasionally, I had to go for job interviews. I went for one at a psychiatrist's office in Murcia. There was no intention on my part to get the job, but I'm always available for free entertainment.

Job hunting can be a real pain in the arse. I can't drink on the day of my interview, and my usual attire of T-shirt and shorts has to be upgraded.

Looking for another job was the farthest thing from my mind when I jacked the last one. I had planned on spending the summer drinking heavily, and dancing naked with my wife. Remaining stress free can extend your life. Keeping my alcohol consumption at a high level was my number one priority, and so far I have achieved my goal of passing through life in a stupor.

My wife had not reached the expected level of enthusiasm about the planned summer activities. Mary had expressed her opinion in no uncertain terms, but I'm not convinced that finding a job is the answer.

My wife is a wonderful motivational speaker, but she lacks a volume control.

Two hours before the interview, I drove to the bank and withdrew five-hundred euros from our bank account. I understand our need for income, but working to achieve it seems abnormal to me.

My next stop was the lotto booth where I purchased fifty scratch-off lottery tickets at ten euros each. Five-hundred euros doesn't go far these days.

Sitting in the car, I furiously scratched the tickets clean with my key. The result of this massive effort on my part was a ten euro winning ticket. It was better than the stock market is doing, but it still didn't seem like a good return on my investment.

I was still trying to brush all the ticket shavings out of my lap when I arrived at the doctor's office for my interview. Some silver flakes were stuck in the hairs of my left arm, and they glittered in the sunlight. These types of accoutrements often appear gaudy at a first interview. I meticulously picked them off one by one, and tossed them out the window.

Directly across the street is a dingy 'club' with a banner advertising five euro lap dances, but I was not tempted or distracted from my mission. I have heard about Carmelita's herpes.

When I stepped out of the car, the summer heat enveloped me in an inferno. They say it's a dry heat, but when it gets to 40+ degrees it's just plain fucking

hot. If you have never been to Murcia in the summer let me help you understand what it feels like. First preheat your oven to 450 degrees. Next open the door and place a small powerful fan directly in front of the oven blowing outward. Take off all your clothes while standing in front of the fan, and rub your exposed skin with sandpaper. Welcome to Murcia.

The interior of the doctor's office was clinical, and I could smell coffee brewing somewhere. There was a glass enclosed receptionist area, and a short hallway leading into the back part of the office.

Two brown leather sofas were pressed against the wall of the tiny waiting area. The walls were a light shade of pink, and the colour scheme made me feel nauseous. Psychotic patients must feel right at home.

A young curly-haired receptionist slid open the glass partition. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"My name is Cyd, and I'm here for an interview with Dr. Preer," I replied.

"Have a seat, and I'll let the doctor know you are here."

At this point, I was wondering why she would need to inform the doctor of my presence if I had an appointment. These are the little details that make me question the meaning of life, but I took a seat on the nearest 43

couch and waited for the next event to take place.

An elegant middle aged woman with long brown hair appeared from the hallway, and glanced in my direction. Even though she was wearing a nurse’s uniform it was easy for me to see that she possessed a sexy athletic body. The white skirt accentuated her tanned legs.

"Are you Cyd?" she asked. Her wide smile caused dimples to appear at the corners of her attractive mouth.

"That's me," I replied, while crossing the room to meet this vision of beauty. Her grip was firm, but soft and her honey brown eyes sparkled.

"I'm Dawn Young, the RN office manager," she explained.

"I'll be sitting in on your interview with Dr. Sreer. Please follow me."

My father always said I would never be a leader, but I sure

can follow and the view from the rear was enchanting. After each step, I scraped my fingernails against the wall in order to get Dawn to look over her shoulder at me. At the end of the hall there was an open door on the left. Dawn stepped aside, and waved me into the room.

"This is Cyd Cynic, and he's

here to interview for the clerk position," she stated.

As I passed Dawn to enter the room, I imagined how it would feel to have her licking my third nipple.

There was a severe looking woman seated in a cushy black leather chair behind a large oak desk. The woman's once dark hair was heavily streaked with grey, and pulled back tightly against her skull. The sun shines in Murcia almost every day, but there are still pallid people in this town. The lady looked like she had been rudely pulled from a grave.

"Have a seat Mr. Cynic," the woman said, nodding toward one of the two chairs in front of her desk.

"I'm Dr. Sreer, and I was quite impressed with your CV." "Thank you," I replied. Most people aren't impressed before they see my feet, but it seemed like we were off to a good start.

My friend Dawn sat in the chair to my left, and she held a small writing pad in her lap.

I admired her long shapely legs while wiping the drool from the corner of my mouth.

"If we hire you, Dawn will be your direct supervisor so I'm 44

having her sit in on this interview if you don't mind," Dr. Sreer continued.

"I don't mind at all," I said.

What was I supposed to say?

This was my golden opportunity to be interviewed by two women. One of them an absolute beauty, and the other straight out of a 1940 vampire movie. Who could ask for more?

"Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself," Dr. Sreer suggested.

Her narrow body was unveiled when she leaned back in the chair. The woman had no curves, no bumps, nothing. She looked like Olive Oyl in dark blue suit.

"I have twenty-two years experience in the medical field, and have always been considered dependable and efficient at my previous places of employment," I stated. "I would be an asset to your office, and I still have most of my teeth."

My last comment got a smile from Dawn, but the good doctor's mouth tightened into a thin line. It's easy to get under a psychiatrist's skin. My answers were not designed to get me the job, but were for entertainment purposes only. I wondered how long the interview would last.

"That's quite interesting," Dr. Sreer said. "Tell me why I should hire you."

"I interact well with psychiatric patients," I said. "I am never late for work, and can answer the phone with one hand."

"How do you define success?" she asked, after ignoring my

previous response.

"By remaining free in spite of the possibilities," I answered.

Dawn's smile had widened, and she was scribbling something on the writing pad. There's no stopping me when I have a captive audience. I allowed my knee to brush against her thigh as I waited for the next stupid question.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" Dr. Sreer asked sternly.

"Sitting in your office," I said.

This answer seemed to puzzle her for a moment, and the fingers of her right hand were twitching as she picked at the third button on her suit. Her beady dark eyes failed to hold my steady gaze.

If you are reading this article, and are unemployed please remember my next point. It's essential for a future employee to dominate all aspects of an interview.

"What do you consider your greatest weakness?" Dr. Sreer asked, while attempting to regain her composure.

"My eyes water when it's windy," I replied.

I was surprised that the interview hadn't ended by this time, but I knew it wouldn't be long.

I was concentrating on how to finish my latest mission on Grand Theft Auto when I got home.

"What would you say is your greatest strength?" she asked, while averting her eyes downward to the desk.

"Managing to hold my penis with just one hand," I answered gleefully. Dawn seemed to be

having some type of convulsion, and my grin was spreading from ear to ear.

That answer was the deal breaker. Bright crimson color had invaded Dr. Sreer's pale face, and I felt like Dr. Frankenstein after the monster came to life. She told me the interview was concluded, and had Dawn escort me to the door.

I never received a call about the job, but before I walked out the door Dawn handed me her phone number.

d Cy A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says: "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

A young man wanted to

shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How'd you know I was at Aldi?" she quietly replied…

‘Why don't you ever see get his beautiful blonde wife the headline "Psychic Wins something nice for their first Lottery"?’ wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile ‘Why is it that doctors call phone. She is all excited, she what they do loves her phone. He shows her "a practice"?’ and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes 45

Smuggler Puzzle Pages

Solutions Page 61

Giant Sudoku Puzzle.

Fill each empty cell so that every row, every column and every 5x5 box contains all the letters from A to Y. This will keep you busy.

46

Easy

Hard

12. Dairy product (6) 13. Hex (4) 15. Crowd scene actor (5) 16. Hidden drawback (5) 18. Accumulated (9)

Down 1. Cutting tool (3) 2. Remedy (4) 3. Wildcat (6) 4. Contradiction in terms (7) 6. Article of clothing (7) 8. Findings of a jury (7) 9. Of times long past (7) 11. Attack (6) 14. Dull pain (4) 17. Concealed (3)

Across 1. Oily or greasy (9) 5. Bet (5)

7. Young eel (5) 9. Land measure (4) 10. Sultry (6) 47

What do you call three Mancunians in a filing cabinet? Sorted!

How do you know when an Essex girl has had an orgasm? She drops her bag of chips.

Did you hear about the farmer who couldn’t keep his hands off his new wife? So he fired them.

How do you stop kids from bed wetting? Give them an electric blanket.

What does the label say in an Essex girls panties? What happened when Next. three gay guys attacked a girl? Two held her down What do you call a while the other did her Scouser in a detached hair. house? A burglar.

An English man is walkAn Essex girl and her ing through New York boyfriend were spending when he stops a local the evening at home. and asks, “Excuse me, Bored, she suggested, can you tell me where “Let’s play a game,” the Empire State building “What sort of game?” he is please? Or should I go said wearily. fuck myself again?”

“Hide and Seek. And I’ll tell you what, if you find Sign at a Nudist camp: me, I’ll give you a blow Sorry, clothed for winjob. ter.

“What if I can’t find you?”

Jack and Jill went up the She said, “I’ll be behind hill; Jack planned to do the piano.” some kissing. He made a pass, and grabbed her What do you do if a ass, now both his front bird craps on your car?

Don’t take her out again. teeth are missing.

Two rats were living in a sewer. One of them says, “I’m sick of all this shit!”

“What do you mean?” the other said.

“Well it’s shit for breakfast, shit for lunch, shit for dinner and shit for tea. I’m sick of it!”

“I know what will cheer you up!” the other says.

“Tonight we’ll go out on the piss!”

Jack and Jill went up the hill, for just an itty bitty.

But Jill’s now two month overdue, and Jack has left the city.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill’s fanny.

But he got a shock, and a mouthful of cock, ’coz Jill’s a fucking tranny!

48

"I'm perfect," the one and only Cantor Floret announced, a large smile on his beautiful face as he surveyed us, his entranced audience. He looked at us and flung his arms out as though he was on stage, about to deliver an overly dramatic monologue. "I'm beautiful, athletic, smart and an ex military man. Everyone likes me. If there ever is such a thing as a perfect human being, it is me."

He looked at us with a hard glint in his eyes, almost daring us to refute his statement. But we did not. We nodded dutifully and hoped that this dazzling Adonis would grace us with his presence just a little while longer.

Cantor glowed, shimmered and sparkled. When we were around him, he bathed us in a golden light that seemed to rub all our imperfections away.

Our wrinkles temporarily vanished. Our lank, drab hair suddenly looked shiny and lustrous. Our teeth seemed whiter. We always stood just that bit taller, that bit straighter and looked almost good enough to actually be his friend.

Although we were tongue tied when we spoke to him, wit flowed among us like sparkling wine. We were lovely, we were people. We were all intoxicated in his presence, by his presence. When he moved away, the glow would fade,

until it was a lovely, yet unrealistic dream. We would once again become the motley crowd of ex-pats that we were.

Our life would lose its novelty, and we would once again become slaves to our insecurities.

"Don't you think I'm right?"

Cantor continued, his soprano tinged with pride. One single entity, we all chorused. "Yes, Cantor." We were rewarded when an angelic smile spread across his face and we were bathed in its warm, radiance.

But it was not meant to last.

"No, you're wrong. Perfectly wrong," a clear, firm voice spoke up. There was a slight slur on the word 'perfectly', almost as though the speaker was mocking Cantor.

We stood still as we watched the smile fade and a frown emerge. We held our breath and wondered what would happen. We turned to look at Cantor's challenger. Was it perhaps, another like his? A second Adonis?

Our eyes saw mousy brown/ grey hair in a terrible haircut, thick glasses, small eyes, a large nose and, horrors of horrors, a bar tan! This was the person who had dared speak against Cantor? This was the person who had denied his perfection?

This....this...mouse?!

We waited as Cantor studied his opponent. Scrutiny was replaced by condescension and 49

we breathed a sigh of relief. He was unhurt. He was safe.

"Perfectly wrong?" he exclaimed, his well modulated voice ever so slightly mocking.

"And pray, tell me, do you consider yourself to be the epitome of perfection?"

"Of course not," the guy countered, his voice still firm, still calm. "I merely meant to state that perfection does not exist, especially in a person as awful as you."

Each word seemed as loud as a giant explosion as it unleashed itself in the room. Cantor 's face hardened and for a minute, he seemed to be carved out of stone. His beautiful features were stiff, their icy beauty stunned us all. As beautiful as Michelangelo’s creations, he stood thus, unmoving, absolutely still.

"Look at you," his assailant continued. "Haughty, proud and mean. You use your looks and charm to get whatever you want. You're an actor and you need this audience (he indicated us) to keep afloat. You are pathetic, cowardly and weak. The only reason you are nice to people is because you crave their admiration. It’s an aphrodisiac to you, a drug you can't get enough of."

As we listened to the little mouse, we began to see another side of Cantor. The mouse was right. Cantor was all of those things, and more.

"I...never...well," Cantor stuttered, suddenly trapped under our hostile gaze. Nervously, he took a step back. The mouse seized his advantage and

ploughed on, his voice becoming stronger.

"You'd be lost without them wouldn't you? You're so pathetic. Perfect indeed."

As one, we all accepted the mouse and placed him on the pedestal that Cantor had once occupied. He was someone who deserved our devotion, our admiration. He was like us, a shining example. He too was unattractive and awkward, but he was comfortable under his skin. He was happy being who he was.

The realization hit us like a tonne of bricks and we clamoured to his for strength. We drew from it and stood tall, all on our own. We still had our wrinkled faces and our gangly limbs, but we didn't care. We were the best we could ever be. We were ourselves.

nothing else. Our mouse sighed and retreated gracefully. He knew that he had been bettered. Perhaps, if we had been less pissed and more mature, the battle would have been his.

He sighed, and patiently withdrew and waited for a moment, smiled, returned and then beat the crap out of Cantor.

The Queen is dead long live the Fox.

Cantor knew this, and he trembled. He felt his faithful followers being torn away from him.

However, he was not humbled.

He did the one thing that could win us back, the only thing that might have won us back. He went and stood next to our mouse. Dull brown/grey hair became shiny and bouncy. The glasses became thinner and his eyes seemed larger.. His teeth were straight. We looked on in undisguised awe as your mouse became a beautiful, sleek Fox. Jimmy Aka the Fox. Cantor moved away and the fox vanished. We had our Help Jimmy settle into Spain mouse back. But now we didn't invite him to your next want him. We wanted what function and read his Cantor could give us. He could thoughts in next month’s make us feel beautiful, and we edition of ‘The Smuggler’. needed that like we needed jimmy@thesmuggler.es 50

51

Blaydon Races.

Good old Joe Kinnear, He *ing came and *ing got the *s to play their best, Then who'd a *ing thought it *ing cardiac arrest.

Mary Poppins is the one To save the Geordie Nation.

They all went down to Anfield, Oh me lads! The Toon are aal Twas on the 3rd of May, but dead Hoping God would smile on Obafemi's injured them (or at least that's what he said) Upon the Sabbath day, Oh me lads, the bugger's in the Ah can't believe with Alan boss, Proud as punch in stripey shirts Freeman, We haven't got much higher, Cream of the Geordie nation, Ashley's scared to watch a Or is he just like Keegan Ganning along to game Just another false messiah Liverpool The fans are all a steamin', Oh me lads! The Toon are in To see the relegation.

And I will not apologise the clarts, for nasty tasteless quips Chorus: No more trips to Anfield Oh me lads, yo should've seen It'll do the buggers good to be Now it's off to foreign parts, doon in the championship. them crying, Tell aal the cheeky mackems Watching the shambles on the That this story isn't over With poor Joe confined to bed pitch Follow the Toon Army For his recuperation, Premier dreams a'dying, AND......

They wondered who could be All the lads and lasses there All We'll watch Doncaster Rovers! the man had gloomy faces, Ganning doon to the Champi- To save the 'Geordie Nation', Who could turn this team onship around With aal of Shearer's aces, Before they turned to violence?

Now way back in Hughton got the nod and came September out They told a different tale, To the sound of silence.

Keegan's second coming How could the buggers fail?

Oh me lads! I'm ganna chuck But then along came Dennis me seat, Wise The mackems beat us at their Who dared to travel norf, place Kevin didn't like the tw*t And now we've had to cheat, And quickly buggered orf!

Then aal the toon went on the hoy Oh me lads! I think they need a And got themselves all plasgenie, tered, Owen unfit, Xisco's sh*t And raised a glass to Taylor and what of Collocini? who's Given's a great keeper A cheating diving b*stard! but he left the sinking ship, And Harper will be canny Ashley looked around and saw good, the damage that they'd done, Doon in the He'd lost a couple of hundred Championship, mill For every game they'd won, Now after Keegan scarpered, He sank another pint in one They all cried in their beer, And had a revelation, But fear not, up next they got 52

A selection of texts. Text A Joke Competition *A black man goes to the doc- that’s Dwight Yorkes!’ *Felt sorry 4a hypnotist I saw tor coz he cant stop jogging on *Text a joke competition!? in Benidorm. Put a rugby team the spot. Doc gives him some That’s just a cheeky way of in a trance. Dropped his mike white powder to snort & he & said, ‘fuck me’ when he bent getting your readers to come stops! Man says ‘was that to pick it up. The screams will up with jokes for u, and they coke?’. Doc says ‘no, persil. even have to pay for the privi- haunt me 4 the rest of my life!

Stops colours running’.

Baz. lege of sending them to u! *I hate terrorists! I used to love looking at unattended bags and thinking, “I’ll have that fucker!” Jon.

Well not me! I’ll save my money!

*Public Health Announcement.

Swine flu will never effect u. It effects noses & throats. Arseholes it leaves alone.

*The expenses scandal is spreading. Some one at Arse*Just to let u know I’m in hos- nal FC has been caught claiming And the €25 winner is: pital. Long story, but went to c for silver polish! Coop. a fortuneteller and she told me *What’s red & white, 3 ft long Just seen 2 deaf lesbians walking down the street with their a lot of money will be coming and keeps a dick warm? An hands in each other’s knickers. my way. Going home I got hit Arsenal scarf. Coop.

I think they were lip reading. by a Securicor van!

Corky, Altea. *Welder wanted in Sheffield. *Jordon was helping Peter An- To put top of bus back on.

(Please note, Paul judges this comdre pack his things. As he was *Why is there no toilet paper petition the name of his watering leaving she called from the hole can be supplied at a price. Ed) shed, ‘What about the spade?’. in KFCs? Coz it’s finger licking good! Danni, Javea.

Andre shouts back, ‘f*ck off,

53

Jim died.

just seen.

Without batting an eye, the His will provided $40,000 for priest says, 'Son, you've just an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the witnessed a miracle. Tell me, affair, his widow Sharon turned where is this man?

'Flat on his ass, Father, over by to her oldest and dearest the holy water.' friend.

'Well, I'm sure Jim would be A guy had been propping up pleased,' she said. the bar for six hours when he 'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice happened to mention that his and leaned in close. 'How much girlfriend was outside in the car. As it was a bitterly cold did this really cost?' night the bartender thought he 'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty had better make sure that she thousand.' was alright. But when he 'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I peered into the car, he saw the mean, it was very nice, but drunk’s friend John screwing $40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral the arse off the drunks girlwas $6,500. I donated $500 to friend. church. The whiskey, wine and Unsure how to handle this delicate situation, the bartender snacks were another $500. went back in and simply said to The rest went for the Memothe drunk that “It might be a rial Stone.' good idea for you to check on Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? your girlfriend.” The drunk staggered out How big is it?' and returns laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asks.

The drunk says, “That idiot John! He’s so pissed he thinks he’s me!”

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual softOne morning a man boiled eggs and toast comes into church on crutches. for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that He stops in front of the holy she normally slept in. water and splashes some of it As I walked in, almost on both of his legs, then awake, she turned to throws away his crutches. me and said softly, An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rec- 'You've got to make tory to tell the priest what he'd love to me this very 54

moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

Two drunks were sitting at a bar staring into their drinks.

One said, “Hey, you ever see an ice cube with a hole in it?”

The other says, “Sure, I’ve been married to one for eighteen years!”

salesman, etc...

Johnny was being very quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes, if the offer's really good, A professor is giving an introductory lecture to a new he'll go out to group of students on the finer the alley with some guy and points of autopsies. Standing make love over the corpse he addresses with him for money." the class - "There are two things you need to make a ca- The teacher, obviously shaken reer in medical forensics. First by this statement, hurriedly set thing is that you must have no the other children to work on some colouring, and took Little fear" After he said that he Johnny aside to ask him, "Is shoves his finger up the that really true about your facorpse’s anus pulls it out and ther?" licks it.

"Now you must do the same" "No," said Johnny, "He’s a Member of Parliament, but I he tells the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence was just too embarrassed to say that in front of the other the class does as instructed.

"Second thing you must have is kids." an acute sense of observation, " (he continues )”for example, Excited about his new how many of you noticed I put project concept, a movie promy middle finger up this mans ducer had called together several big name draws to kick anus but licked my index finsome ideas around. ger?"

The project, an action drama about famous composers feaLittle Johnny was in his tured Stallone, Van Damme, 6th grade class when the and Schwartzenegger in leading teacher asked the children roles. what their fathers did for a The producers are prepared to living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, allow them to select what After an evening’s drinking, Jake said to his girlfriend Julie just as she was about to go home, “I bet you £2 that I can make love to you for 25 minutes without coming.” “You’re crazy!” said Julie. “You can never keep going that long!

Here’s £2 that says you can’t!”

The £4 was placed on the table, and they took their clothes off and began bonking. About 40 secs in Jake lets out an almighty groan as he comes.

“Told you!” says Julie. Jake shrugs & says, “So I lose…’

55

famous composers they would play.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite," said Van Damme, “I'll play him."

The producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

You Know It's Time To Diet When....

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your blood type is Ragu.

A man in Soviet Russia has been saving up for a car. Finally he has enough money so he heads down to the local Lada dealer to put down his deposit.

The salesman advises him that he can pick up his car in 2025.

Man: "Wow, that's quick.

Which month?"

Salesman: "April" Man: "Ok, which day?"

Salesman: "25th".

Man: "Oh no. Morning or afternoon?"

Salesman: "What difference does it make?"

Man: "Well the plumber is coming in the morning."

Today China launched its first successful manned spacecraft, the Shenzhou 5. The crew of the international space station immediately voiced their support by ordering Moo Goo Gai Pan, General Tso's Chicken and a couple of eggrolls.

Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't‌

Q: What is the real reason the government jails people for theft?

A: Because they don't want any competition.

A woman is at home when she hears someone Knock at the door. She goes to the door & opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" she slams the door in 56

disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door & it is the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?" she slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving & concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guys shows up again!"

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door & listen & if it is the same guy I want you to answer ‘yes’ to his question because I want to see where he is going with it." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, "Do you have a vagina?"

"Yes" she says... The man replies "Good!

Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"....

57

Open letter from Ms Peggy Legg

lier.

Christmas turkey it now reNow, my rear end complisembled. mented my legs, lump for lump. That's why I decided to tell my This is an explanation to those Frantic, I prayed that long skirts story. I can't take on the medifriends and family who have would stay in fashion. cal profession by myself. experienced mysterious It was two years ago when I Women of the world, wake up switches of their body parts. realized my arms had been and smell the coffee. That This effect is especially notice- switched. really isn't plastic that those able in January.

One morning I was fixing my surgeons are using. You You may have read of the scare hair and I watched horrified but KNOW where they are getting story about the man whose fascinated as the flesh of my those replacement parts, don't kidneys were stolen while he upper arms swung to and fro you? was passed out. Well, read on. with the motion of the hairThe next time you suspect While the kidney story was an brush. someone has had a face 'lifted' , urban myth, my story is true - This was really getting scary. look again. Was it lifted from it occurs to me practically My body was being replaced you? I think I finally found my every day. one section at a time. How thighs...and I hope Cindy CrawMy thighs were stolen from me clever and fiendish. ford paid a really good price during the night a few years Age? Age had nothing to do for them! ago. It was just that quick. I with it. Age is supposed to This is not a hoax. This is hapwent to sleep in my body and reap, unnoticed, something like pening to women in every woke up with someone else's maturity. town every night. WARN thighs.

NO, I was being attacked reYOUR FRIENDS. The new ones had the texture peatedly and without warning. of cooked oatmeal. Who In despair I gave up my TYours alarmed would have done such a cruel shirts. What could they do to thing to legs that had been me next? My poor neck disap- Peggy Legg mine for years? Whose thighs peared more quickly than the were these and what happened to mine? I Sperm Bank Waiting Room spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next.

I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with ear58

59

An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.

How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my granddad’s dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!

Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he

went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Granddad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married??

Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister.

"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Brown fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a fencepost tortoise."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so 60

he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place."

61

Distribution Agents for The Smuggler La Marina: La Marina Lavanderia.

Alfaz: Roy’s Auction House.

Benidorm: Trade Wise, The Bottle and Jug, La Xara: Kelly’s of La Xara.

Pavis's Little Belfast, Home from Home, Foley's Los Altos: Welcome Inn. Bar, The Peppermill, The Geordie Pride, Los Dolses: Madigan’s Bar, Bar Wicked.

The Beachway Bar, The Jaggy Thistle, The Celtic Moraira: Hamiltons of London, Mojo’s Bar Tavern.

Bistro.

Benissa: Café Pronto (in Iceland).

Moraira – Calpe Coast Rd: Tich’s Bar, Cabo Roig: Slievenamon Irish Pub. CornishPride, David’s Fish & Chip Shop.

Calpe: New Chester’s Bar, Tasty Pastry, Oliva: Quick Save, Magnum’s Bar, Bar ExSaffy’s Bar (when Paul remembers to depress, La Brasa, Café Ole, Bar Amigos, UK liver them).

Foods, Costa Azahas Homes, Camping Azul, Denia: Bar Café Olé.

La Cueva.

Els Poblets: The Orange Grove RestauOrba: The New Forn Vell. rant.

Playa Flamenca: Macey’s Shop.

Jalon: Quick Save, Lemon Tree Bar. Punta Prima: The Captain’s Table.

Javea: Euro Bazar, Coastal Bar, Bomber’s San Luis: Hoggies Bar. Pub, Digby’s Bar, Inspirations, James the Teulada: Base Satellite.

Barber, Sertel scp, Quo Vadis, Incodnito Torrevieja: Express Internet.

Fish and Chips, Checker’s Pizza, English Villa Martin: Chadwick’s Bar. Bakers.

Contact Paul on 690 345 135 La Font D’en Carros Restaurant Tossal Email: paul@thesmuggler.es Gros.

La Llosa de Camacho: Bar Emilio.

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