05 May 2009

Page 1

â‚Ź1.00 “The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment."


A drink and a laugh. The two things are bleeding synonymous. They were made for each other. I mean, when God invented the left tit, it was just right and proper that he invent the right tit to go with. The one without the other would look stupid. Batman and Robin. Morecambe and Wise. Huntley and Palmer. Mike and Berni Winters. Fish and chips. They all fit together like the finished jigsaws they are. Of course, it's not just any drink that goes with a drink and a laugh, oh no. It's got to be a drink down the boozer with your mates. I mean, sitting at home on your own having a stiff one or cracking a few cans; where's the laughs in that? 'Oh ha ha, here I am alone and I'm getting pissed, ha ha ha.' What's that all about? If you do that you're just going to get more and more miserable thinking about how much of a real laugh you'd be having if you were down the pub with your mates. So, you see; a drink down the pub and a laugh - now that's what it's all about. So get yourself down to one of the bars advertised in ‘The Smuggler’ and see the smile on the landlords face when you ask for a pint and a copy of The Smuggler.

2


Letters to the Editor. Dear Editor I am married to a Taiwaneese lady, and often get asked if she was a 'mail order' bride. I find this very hurtful. Correos lose an estimated 50,000 letters a year in the Costa Blanca region, and to suggest that I would entrust my wife to that group of incompetant buffoons is insulting in the extreme. I sent her 'Next-Day DHL'. Tom, Balcon del Mar. Dear Editor I felt I had to write a letter about the article you did a few months ago about readers sending in letters in response to your articles. Please stop it, before it gets silly!

The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor.

B. Union. 3rd bar stool from the gents, the local. Dear Editor May I, through your letter's page, inform your readers of some good advice I can personally vouch for? Never wrestle with a troll. You both get dirty and the troll enjoys it. Yours, Dear Editor What the heck is a heck? Dear Editor Absolutely love the magazine – picked it up whilst I was on holiday in the Costa Blanca over Easter. During my holiday I visited ‘Mundo Mar’ in Benidorm with my boyfriend. When we got to the petting section I rushed off to pet one of the sea slugs. When my boyfriend

caught up with me I jokingly said, “This feels like your cock.” When I turned round I discovered that it wasn’t my boyfriend behind me, just some random bloke. Ooops! Joanne Storage, Cheadle. Dear Editor Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?

Deadline for adverts for the month of June is 25th May 09 D.L. V-464-2008 CIF. E98018625 3


mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me." Dear Editor, WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. Stu Bray, Javea Dear Ed My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up to next. J Barratt, Narpathis

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein 4


5


The Trouble With A Todger We know from the correspondence we get that many of our readers are women, so in its ongoing effort to entertain and educate, The Smuggler has asked one of its top writers to give us the low-down on that most ephemeral of male features – the erection. Be advised, you won’t find this guide in Female Focus… I’ve had erections in church. I admit it. I’ve had one on the Nemsis ride at Alton Towers, upside down, pulling 4Gs. When a doctor massaged my neck as a routine check, the little fella nearly put a new crease in my trousers. I’ve even had one watching Trisha. What I’m saying is, there’s just no controlling a penis. It’s as reliable as the Spanish Post Office. I’m a believer that there’s no such thing as ‘unwanted’ erections. Somewhere, someone is desperate for one, it’s just a shame that this one’s owner is trying to hide it under a jumper, praying it’ll be gone by the end of All Things Bright and Beautiful. Now you understand that men have no say over the workings of this organ, you’ll be relieved to know it’s not your fault if it doesn’t respond. You know, when the pilot light goes out, when no matter how much jiggery pokery or pleading , the ferret is just not coming out of the hole. Women always take it personally, and tearfully ask, “Don’t I turn you on?” And the bloke always panics, and instead of explaining about church, Alton Towers and Trisha, says, “This has never happened before, honest!” Which confirms her worst fears, that it’s all her fault! But it’s not. Trust me, there’s not much a girl can do to me when I’m naked that won’t give me an erection. Whistle the theme tune to Gladiators

and it’ll rise to the occasion. Set it on fire if you like. But I’ll never forget the first time the bloody thing failed me. I was at university, with a girl called Kelly. Hailing from a small town, she quickly realised that she lacked looks, charm and personality, and reinvented herself as the campus bike to get the boys’ attention. In those days, I was also totally lacking in looks and charm, and was constantly panicking about not ‘breaking my duck’. I hammered on this girl’s door in the early hours of the morning. I know I was onto a winner, as Kelly had just that morning blown a weird German student who ate only peas soaked in brine. Of course, she opened me in with open legs. But five minutes in, I knew there was a problem. “There’s a problem,” she said. Only a bad workman blames his tools, but trying to perform was like trying to play snooker with a piece of rope. Alas, I was booted out. Typically, as I padded back to my dorm, I had one of the largest erections of my life. “Why?” I remember asking, as it picked up local radio stations. The next morning, Kelly told the entire campus I was impotent, which wasn’t the reputation I was hoping for. Perhaps I’d been saved, for the ancient Hindus believed that impotency was of mental origin, caused by ‘a distasteful woman’. Sadly, the answer was a lot simpler: I’d had eight pints of lager that night, just to find the courage to knock on her door. There are three main causes of erectile dysfunction, and the number-one culprit is booze, or the old ‘brewer’s droop’. After the fifth pint, it’s lights out down there. Secondly, nerves are a passion killer. First shags are nerve-wreckers, as are bunk-ups you shouldn’t be having. But after that university episode, he didn’t go on strike again for some years, until a weekend 6


away with a girlfriend – when I discovered the third cause of the old trouser trouble. Pressure. Out of the blue, my girlfriend appeared from the bathroom dressed in ridiculously sexy lingerie. Suddenly, this was a surprise dirty weekend – but no one had told my penis. Shock, pressure, nerves… how could the little fella be expected to perform? With a tear in her eye, the girlfriend asked, “Don’t you find this sexy?” and fell asleep, dejected. But next morning, waking up with this beautiful girl in black lace, in my own time and with no pressure, I made it up to her. Because you wait forever for one. And then three come along at once.

d Cy

7


A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork burned out at the orifice and with the current crisis out of work... Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22

gallons of beer a year. That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon. Bloody good value that!

What Gets Longer When Pulled, fits Between Boobs, inserts Neatly in a Hole, AND Works Best When Jerked? A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up! A woman goes to her doctor for her annual check up. The nurse starts with certain basic items. How much do you weigh?' she asks. 'Eight and a half stone,' the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scales and her weight is actually ten stone. The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 8 !!!', she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'. She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman that it is very high. 'Of course it's HIGH !!!' the woman screams, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender . Now I'm short and fat !!!'

Flour and Water ...how come when you mix water and flour together you get glue? And then when 8

you add eggs and sugar ... And you get cake ??? Where did the glue go ??? NEED AN ANSWER ??? You know darned well where it went, that's what makes the cake stick to your ARSE !!!

Wife walks in 2 bedroom and says "tonight I'm gonna make you the happiest man alive" man replies "Don't fuck about, who's going to help you pack this time a night?"

Middle aged woman says to her husband "The guy at works says I have the breast of a 18 year old" Husband replies sarcastically "What about your 55 year old cunt?" Wife says "You weren't mentioned" Brown is my shepherd, I shall not work. He leadeth me beside still factories. He restoreth my faith in the conservative party. He guideth me to the path of unemployment.


yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me. Brown has anointed my income with taxes, my expenses runneth over my income, surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term. From hence forth, we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord. I am glad i am British, I am glad that I am free. But I wish I was a dog and Brown was a tree.

A blind man was

traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

9


A young couple is out for thigh until suddenly, and with

great astonishment, he finds a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They himself gripping a long, thick walk hand in hand and as they appendage that's hanging between her legs. He stroll, the lad's lustful desire horror, rises to a peak. He is just about shouts in "My God, to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly Claudette, I brings his hand further up her had no idea you were actually a man!" "No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."

Glaswegian police find large stash of crack in raid on house of ill repute.

girl who can eat the seventh donut.

This woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female. A friend of hers calls one day and says, "How do you keep him away from her when she's in heat?" "Oh that's not a problem" she says, "When I go out, I put the female upstairs." "And does that do the trick?" asks her friend. "Well," she says, "Have you ever seen a Dachshund go upstairs with a hard on?"

One day, shortly after having her ninth baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring, then said, "But isn't having nine babies a little much?" "Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air." "Yes," replied the priest, "your fucking legs." At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was Who's the related to sex education on TV. Mary raised her hand and most popular said she had seen a movie guy at a nude about women having babies. beach? The guy who can carry two "Great," said the teacher, cups of coffee and "that's very important. " Then Judy raised her hand and told seven donuts. the teacher she had seen a TV Who's the most show about people getting popular girl at a married. "Well, that has to do nude beach? The 10


with it too," said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, "Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education." "Yes it does," said Johnny, " it taught those Indians not to fuck with John Wayne."

A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was. He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh. The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You bitch, you ruined my life.'"

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, There were these two guys working late in a morgue, Daddy was talking to when one guy said, "Hey man someone on the there is a woman in there with phone, and he said that he screwed the a shrimp in her vagina!" The other asked, "What is a shrimp tail off his secretary." doing a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see." Both of them Two blokes went in the room with the woman, and they both curiosly were out walking looked. Finally, the second man home from work one afternoon. said, "You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris." And the "Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I other man replied, "Well, it get home, I'm gonna tasted like shrimp to me." 11

rip the wife's knickers off!" "What's the rush?" his mate asked. "The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.


A couple were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to ring room service and order some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling

Tiger Woods to find out what's the Asda greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. par for this hole!"

Four Secrets of successful relationships. 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is very important that these three women never meet.

An Indian walks into a

cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out. Four days later the Indian returns. He has his Julie decides to try horseback riding, even though shotgun in one hand and she has had no lessons or prior another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the experience. She mounts the counter and says to the waiter, horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into "Me want coffee." The waiter motion..... It gallops along at a says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still steady and rhythmic pace, but cleaning up from the last time the blonde begins to slip from you were in here. What the the saddle. In terror, she grabs heck was that all about anyway?" The Indian, "Me in for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. training for Executive Management job. Drink coffee, She tries to throw her arms shoot the shit, and disappear around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the for a few days." horse anyway. The horse A guy stood over his tee gallops along, seemingly shot for what seemed an impervious to its slipping rider. eternity; looking up, looking Finally, giving up her frail grip, down, measuring the distance, the blonde attempts to leap figuring the wind direction and away from he horse and throw speed. Driving his partner nuts. herself to safety. Unfortunately Finally his exasperated partner her foot has become entangled says, "What's taking so long? in the stirrup, she is now at the Hit the blasted ball!" The guy mercy of the horse's pounding answers, "My wife is up there hooves as her head is struck watching me from the against the ground over and clubhouse. I want to make this over. As her head is battered a perfect shot." "Fuck it, managainst the ground, she is mere you don't stand a snowball's moments away from chance in hell of hitting her unconsciousness when to her from here!" great fortune, Frank Brooks, 12


13


A married couple were

sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the dem on, Mon.' Well, the husband, after some market-place looking at the badgering from his wife, finally goods and such, when they gave in and tried them on. passed a small sandal shop. As soon as he slipped them From inside they heard the onto his feet, he got this wild shopkeeper with a Jamaican look in his eyes, something his accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my hum- wife hadn't seen before!! ble shop.' So the married cou- In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, ple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some spe- bent him over the table, yanked cial sandals I tink you would be down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a interested in. Dey makes you firm hold of the Jamaican's wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really inter- thighs. ested in buying the sandals af- The Jamaican began screaming: ter what the man claimed, but 'You got dem on de wrong her husband felt he really didn't feet'! need them, being the Sex God The strident prosecutor that he was. begins: ''Ladies and gentlemen The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a of the jury, the prosecution will

14

prove that this defendant, Tafy, did in fact discard his breeches and insert his member into the innocent sheep; that he did ejaculate into said sheep and remove his member, whereupon this sheep turned around and licked his member clean.'' Then one member of the jury turned and whispered to the other juror and said, ''The good ones will do that you know."

A man walks into the ice cream shop with his three sons. "Josh will have vanilla, Jim will have chocolate, and Fathead will have strawberry." Then the man smacks Fathead across the head. The girl couldn't stand it. "Sir, I can't believe you treat your son like that.'' ''There are only three things in


15


life a man needs to be happy," said the man. "A nice house, a beautiful wife and a nice tight pussy. Fathead here went and ruined that.''

write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get When the ark's on my shoulders and look out the window door was closed, Noah called a meet- to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. ing with all the aniRabbit got onto his mals and said in a shoulders, looked out demanding voice: the window and said, "Listen up kids! "Sorry, no land yet." There will be NO sex on this trip. Not "Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he even the wetting of the tip of your penis. went. This went on All of you males, take every day until Mrs. off your penises and Rabbit got fed up hand them to Jim the with him. "What is the matter with you? Monkey. He will

16


You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!"

So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, with the shocked and angry looks of the natives closing in on him, he looks upward and says, "What now God?" And God's voice booms out, "Okay...now you're screwed!"

hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "Fuck this," "Fuck that." The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says, "You shouldn't swear like that, An explorer in the deepest Three old men were talk- Johnny. God is all around us." Amazon suddenly finds himself ing about how much their "Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny. surrounded by a large bloodhands shook. The first old guy "Yes," says the priest. "Is he in thirsty group of savage natives. said, "My hands shake so bad, that bush over there?" asks He quietly says out loud, "Oh that when I shaved his morning, Johnny. "Yes," says the priest." God, I'm screwed!" Suddenly, I cut my face." The second old Is he in my wagon?" asked there is a ray of light from fogey one-upped him and said, Johnny. "Yes," says the priest. above and a voice booms out, "My hands shake so bad, that "Well tell him to get the fuck "No, you're not screwed yet. when I trimmed my garden out and push!!!" Pick up that stone at your feet yesterday, I sliced all my flowand bash in the head of their ers." The third old man laughed chief standing in front of you." and said, "That's nothing. My

17


A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nite-nite yet." The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face

promptly reaches out and slaps on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy the man's face. "What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man bitch". screams. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if The man says, "No I don't, you he can give him something for IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!" the hiccups. The pharmacist

18


A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist.?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "Well, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

19


vengeful women that I know. On the plus side, it Auntie says: It does seem a shame for all that organization makes the and money to go to waste – why scissorand-thenot have a surprise “Divorce pube-incident pale into insigParty” instead? You could nificance, doesn’t it? have a piñata in the shape of his head (or hers) and be the first at having a go at whacking it with a baseball bat to get the Q. Dear Auntie, I’m confused! Why do writers to your column sweets out. Very satisfying I always insist on calling you should imagine. `Aunty´ at the beginning of their letters, when you always Dear Aunty, recently, I came down to the kitchen and caught subtly remind them, at the end, that your title is actually spelt my wife trimming her pubic hairs with the kitchen scissors! `Auntie´. Is it because your readers are not very observant, I was horrified and vowed never to eat anything she cooks or are you just taking the piss? ever again. In the ensuing row, Either way, I don’t really care. Do I win €100 for being your Auntie says: To be honest, I she then went on to say that star letter? (Professor B. L. don’t know what the problem (and I quote) “If you think is! A man who cleans the toilet that’s bad, you should see what Zeebub, University of Open) regularly is a very rare pheI did with your toothbrush the nomenon indeed and the fact morning after you came home Auntie says: How very observant if not a little pedantic of that he enjoys it so much is a drunk and puked all over the you! Sadly, some of my bonus! I would just leave him cat”. What do you think she “problem people” are a bit to it and perhaps even hire him meant by that? (Rich, Camhard of understanding so I just out to clean other people’s toi- pello) let it go. You don’t win any lets. Auntie says: Hmm. It could be money for appearing on this page; I barely get enough to Dear Aunty, I have just spent any number of things but I the last 6 months organizing a would hazard a guess that she keep myself in rum and Rennies surprise 50th birthday party for took your toothbrush and used as it is. it to clean under the rim of the my husband. And now I have found out that he has been hav- toilet in those hard to get-at Ed. Rum & Rennies? we are paying ing an affair with his secretary. places a toilet brush is just too this lady far too much. Who does I don’t feel he deserves a party big to reach. That seems to be she think we are? ‘Female Focus’ common practice amongst now but I have spent a lot of Q. Dear Aunty, I think my hubby has an unhealthy obsession with cleaning the toilet. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve walked in and caught him kneeling in front of the toilet bowl; tissues strewn around him. He always loses his temper, and insists I leave the bathroom immediately, so that he can get on with the job. Sometimes these incidents can occur as often as three times a day. How can I approach him about this problem? Also, I don’t quite understand why he has to do it with his trousers and pants down around his ankles, and a very obvious erection. Any advice would be very much appreciated. (Mrs B T Bishop, La Xara)

money on it so far and it seems such a waste. What should I do? (Brenda, La Viña)

20


21


After a relaxing

A three-family apartment 'Just put yourself in my hands

bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror... Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her... In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help, God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed... And just like that... Her ears fell off...

burned down in London. The Muslim family on the ground floor all perished. The black family on the second floor all perished. However, no one was injured from the white family on the first floor. Ethnic community leaders were enraged, calling a press conference and demanding from the Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen, To which the Chief replied "They were all at work".

for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty euro per visit, replied the doctor.' 'I'll sleep on it,' said Geordie. Six months later the doctor met Geordie on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist. A guy goes and gets "I Love 'Well Eighty euros a visit three You" tattooed on his penis, times a week for a year is an Geordie went to a psythen goes home and shows his awful lot of money! A barwife. chiatrist. She yells at him, "There you go 'I've got problems. Every time I tender cured me for â‚Ź10. I was again, trying to put words in go to bed I think there's some- so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought body under it. I'm scared. my mouth." me a new pickup!' 'Is that so! I think I'm going crazy.'

22


And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

The Smuggler Guide To Computer Viruses Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte. Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Sony Bono virus: Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Viagra virus: Expands

your hard drive, while putting too much pressure on your zip drive. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Pro-life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Alicante, but your data is in Madrid. Nike virus: Just does it. Star treck virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Tax Man virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for â‚Ź4,500.

23


bership card. He added, "a good have called for a radical shake- few thousand volts to the head up of community support provi- and testicles may not change sion, after a report released over their voting patterns - but it'll the weekend showed that men- make those of us who are sane feel pretty damn good". tal health issues in the UK are considerably more widespread Bradford, West Yorkshire, than originally believed. Teatime - 'Have a go' hero pensioner, Harold Callaghan 79, of The calls come following the release of the latest ICM opin- Ilkley came out on top yet again today when confronted by a ion poll, which showed that despite Smeargate, a monocular gang of crackheads with pitmegalomaniac 'leader' who has bull terriers demanding money delusions of being 'The Saviour with menaces. Callaghan, shot seven youths of the World', a failing education system, a Home secretary and three dogs dead after asking them if they felt lucky. It who's a complete c**t and a seems they did feel lucky, but collapsing economy, some 26% of eligible voters would still vote Liebore at the next General Election.

Mental health charities

Eric Windowlicker, of the charity Nutcase Support, said, "we are amazed by this research, which shows that the problems of insanity, cretinosity, intellectual retardation and outright lunacy is still utterly rampant in 21st-Century Britain. More needs to be done to combat this awful scourge on our society". Mr Windowlicker called for greater levels of support to those deluded enough to support Liebore in the community, including the provision of electro-convulsive therapy to anyone with a Labour Party mem-

he m, T he u n ag In T 44 Mndgun t Blow A t a o No ful H uld N ut It r B s Is Thi t Powe It Wo n Off. d s n Mo ld, A d Clea urt r H a Wo ur He ould o W Y

were misguided in their think- ing. It's not the first time Callaghan has been a 'have a go' hero. In 1971 he came across a bank robbery in progress and tackled the bandits by killing all but 24

one of them, and days later rescued a busload of kids who were being urged to sing 'Row row row your boat' by a a psychotic armed abductor by shooting him dead. Callaghan has since killed lots of people, including David Soul out of Starsky and Hutch, often with laconic asides. We asked Callaghan about the secret of his success, he told us: "It helps to have a fucking big weapon."

Fat, grotesque, crotch-stain Chris Moyles has had his wrists and trotters ineffectually slapped by his bosses. Although an angry mob called for his public spit-roasting with an apple in his mouth. Bosses ignored the masses of hungry licence fee payers who demanded to finally get their money's worth by giving Moyles the roasting of his life . Scientists have explained the decision not to cook Moyles to a baffled public, who pay his wages. During a year long study the boffins cited Chris Moyles and the likes of Russell Brand are not misunderstood, but talentless tossers, who have been mesmerising bosses and media magnates with their 'repulsive' appeal. 'Repulsive-appeal' is a phenomena that occurs when selfopinionated, grossly unattractive males, take their festering carcasses out of the class-room


'oinked' his way through predictable material and talked loudly about his views. Russell Brand, who looked like a caveman's crotch, said: "Sir Chris of Moyle's show was great and I verily cannot wait to get my hairy cadaver back into a radio studio, wherest I shall be producing a merriment of mayhem for the delictition of the general populus. Methinks I am a knobus most foulest" Gordon Brown called for public calm and said Moyles y "While Moyles scientist esterday is clearly a talsa provide 2 y he could ent-free but succulent million h o dogs for soccer fa t- looking man, it is my ns . opinion we should have clear dialogue by Les Dennis during his depres- with the bosses and seek a new direction sion years". Moyles who is in the 'Big and I haven't a pissin clue what the eff' I Book of records' for being both a 'GASH' and a am actually talking 'KNOB', ignored the pub- about. I don't know lic demand for his cook- how to do my job, there's too many hard ing and basting by saying. "It's just water off a sums hairy pigs back. If the public think about it I'm great and if they don't think about it I'm still great". He then invited us to stay for his radio programme where he and manipulate their greasy behinds into the media and get paid to do so - normally from the public coffers. Professor Twinkle Magazinefor-LittleGirls said "These ugly gashes surround themselves with teams of like-minded dullards and minions, who ritually blow smoke up their asses, by laughing at material which would have been rejected

25


Madonna Falls Off Her Mount While Horsing Around. Madonna, the singer who is 50 going on 30 claims that her horse, Mr. Vibrator, threw her after being startled by a member of the paparazzi. New York police are painting a different 'horse and wannabe cowgirl picture.' Officer Alonzo Peccadillo who was the first policeman at the scene said that the old singer at first told him that someone had shot at her from behind a Redwood Tree. When told that there are no Redwood Trees on Long Island, the singer got highly upset and said that it was a Giant Sequoia Tree. When officer Peccadillo informed her that the nearest Giant Sequoia Tree was in California, about 2,500 miles away, La Madonna became belligerent and started cursing at the officer. The officer quickly put her in handcuffs and told her to shut the heck up or he would have no recourse but to taser her. Madonna started screaming that she was a famous singer, dancer, actress, producer, director, and the next president of Italy. The officer laughed, pointed his finger at Madonna, and said, "Hey, to quote Shania Twain, 'that don't impress me much.'" Madonna then reportedly made a face and spit in the direction of officer Peccadillo who instantly took out his taser and hit the 50-yearold diva just below her botoxed lips. After rolling around on the ground like a rainbow trout out of water she was loaded onto an ambulance and transported to Long Island's Our Lady of The Fjords Norwegian Hospital. The official police report stated that one Madonna Louise Cicone Penn Ritchie Rich, aged 60 (sic) was on her mount and was horsing around as if she was Annie Oakely and the old gal just basically lost her bearings and fell on her

60-year-old keister.

Study Shows Drinking Copious Amounts of Booze Leads to Alcoholism. Researchers believe they have found a connection between alcoholism, and people who drink excessive quantities of liquor on a regular basis. "Our preliminary study has shown that all of the test subjects suffering from alcoholism had consumed beverages such as beer, spirits, and/or hard See, Patty, I was well gone and liquor concould barely see your ugliness. tinuously, over an extended period of time", Dr. Gina Hunt, Head of Research at the University of Miami Hospital, explains. "Normally, we never see results that significant." Hunt says that all although the tests are not over, she is hopeful that these findings will answer a lot of questions as to what causes this disease, and will open the door for future studies as well. "We are already in talks to examine the correlation between hard-core narcotics users and those suffering from drug addiction. Who knows what we will find out, but I think it's pretty safe to say we are on the cusp of a medical breakthrough." 26


Obie Lays Off Bush-Cheney Torturers.

over the world. Head-hunters from Iran, China, and Cuba immediately began recruiting the former US waterboarders. An anonymous member of the International Brotherhood of Human Persuaders told me that some of the most highly prized experts in the field of information extraction had been released on the open market.: "These free agents will assist tyrants around the world in freeing up speech in a much more efficient way than that stodgy old First Amendment!"

Barry Barack Obie Obama has ironically added to the very unemployment rate that his economic rescue plan is seeking to remedy. Obie has announced immediate layoffs for BushCheney torturers in the CIA, FBI Homeland Security and the IRS. He Knows It All. This one dramatic It was the first day of a school in stroke of the presidenBush-Cheney "Dentists" move USA and a new Indian student tial pen raised unempractices to Totalitarian "Dental" Groups named Chandrasekhar Subramaployment figures by nian entered the fourth grade. 1%. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing The good news for the skilled inflictors of husome American History. man suffering is that there are job openings all

27


Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! About its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded. Who said "Give me Liberty , or Chandrasekhar put his hand up. give me Death"? "General Custer, 1862." She saw a sea of blank faces, At that point, a student in the except for Chandrasekhar, who back said, "I'm gonna puke." had his hand up: The teacher glares around and "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said. asks "All right! Now, who said "Very good!" that?"

28

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little s**t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004 !" The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh s**t, we're f**ked!" And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think that was George Bush, Iraq, 2007."


29


I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

It was the Scotland/ Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack. The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it. As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now - 'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'. The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!' 'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now - 'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'. The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not

Welsh; I'm from London.' The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now 'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet'..

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry;

So It’s True!

30


that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."

mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter. Johnny's mother says, I had a mate who "Let's not be too harsh on them, they are was suicidal. He was bound to be curious really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" steam train. He was chuffed to bits. replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her F***ing appendix out!" When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch. Fucking Beauty!

A woman brings

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

eight year old Johnny home and tells his

31


32


33


Hairiness keeps Boyle in the limelight. Susan Boyle is a frumpy Scottish singer whose surprisingly powerful rendition of the song "I dreamed a dream" on Britain's Got Talent vaulted her to Internet stardom. Now, it looks as if she will get more than her allotted 15 minutes of fame, all due to her hairy appearance. After several news articles used the word "hairy" in headlines of stories about Boyle, hits for her You Tube videos showed sustained activity, unlike the spiky effect right after her TV appearance. Experts in search engine optimization (SEO) note that the invisible hand that is sustaining her popularity may be doing more than punching keys on a keyboard. A commentator said, "We think that porn users are entering the word "hairy" looking for hairy, um, well, they're entering the word 'hairy' anyway, and up comes an article on Boyle with an attached video." The hit-tracking site Alexis shows that Boyle-related sites are the top destinations for the keyword "hairy". It also reveals the behaviour of those who reach her videos in this way. A spokesman said, "Most of those who reach her site watch for a minute, apparently hoping for some adult content, then go to versions by Judy Kuhn or Haley Westenra, who are both very pretty. But the interesting thing is-and it's really a tribute to her talent-

they come back again, presumably after completing their business, and listen to her again, not once, but several times. The phenomenon has not been lost on opera promoter Jack Mioff of the British Opera Council, a publicly funded organization entrusted with promoting opera, who said he is working SEO keywords into his most recent press releases, such as: "Asian woman to sing in Leeds", "Deep voiced singer has a golden throat", "In her mouth opera sounds beautiful", and "Singer to tour round the world". While porn is often cited as an Internet danger, it is also one of the major generators of traffic, accounting for 72% of traffic overall, and 87.4% between the hours of 1 and 2 AM. Despite the attractiveness of such a large pool of potential clicks, Simon Cowell's label Sony has taken the high road in its efforts to promote Ms. Boyle, (who is not related to actor Tom Boyle, whom she resembles). In a press release, the label's management said, "We will not resort to gimmicks Susan Boyle's beautiful voice is its own best advertisement." Ms. Boyle has also shown no interest on capitalizing on her hirsutism; she declined an overture from the makers of antiandrogen drug Spironolactone to be a spokesperson: "I've got my cats and my singing, and if people don't like my looks they can just bugger off"--which is exactly what they are doing. 34


35


36


Elton comes home one day and says to his lover. "It feels like I've got something in my back passage, can you please check it out for me?" His boyfriend lubes up his finger, shoves it up Elton's arse and pokes about." He says. " Can't feel anything different." Elton says. "Trust me, there's definitely something there, be a sweetie and lube your whole hand up and try again for me." The boyfriend lubes his hand and works it up Elton's arse, has a rummage and pulls out a gold Rolex watch. He says. "WTF, a watch!, up you arse??" Elton sings. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

Southampton have just revealed that next years sponsor will be tampax. A spokesman for tampax said Sutton fitted our profile, a load of tw*ts going through a bad period !

Walkers are adding a new crisp flavour to their range, "Semen flavour" they will be marked "diet crisps" as 97.8% of women will spit them back out.

A mate of mine told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said how can you tell them apart? He said it’s easy her brother’s got a moustache! Kids these days have everything, when I was a lad there

were no paedophiles; we had tonite, but only during a full to buy our own fecking sweets. moon. All serving SAS soldiers are All UK pubs are required discreet, witty, down-to-earth, good blokes; none of them are by law to have one alcoholic regular who used to be a mem- Waltish, swollen-headed, egotistical, prima donnas with a ber of the SAS and was 2nd hotline to the Daily Mirror's Man On the Balcony at the Defence Correspondent. Iranian Embassy. Contrary to popular belief, Andy McNab's real name is not After being married for 35 years, I took a careful look Cyril Clunge. They are two at my wife one day & said, entirely different individuals... Honey, 35 years ago we had a allegedly. All British soldiers have a mate cheap apartment, a cheap car, who knows McNab and thinks slept on a sofa bed & watched that he's either a good bloke or a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a a tosser. During selection, potential SAS hot & sexy 19 year-old gal. Now I have a $ 650,000 home, recruits are required to bite a $55,000 car, nice big bed & the head off a live ferret - explasma screen TV, but I'm cept in Dog Soldiers where sleeping with a 54 year-old they have to shoot a live dog! woman. It seems to me that All SAS men must now sign a contract agreeing never to dis- you're not holding up your side close anything about their ser- of the bargain. My wife is a very reasonable vice, never to call any officer woman. She told me to go out 'Sir' and never to trim their & find a hot, 19 year-old gal & moustaches. she would make sure that I The wine served in both would once again be living in a messes at Stirling Lines (complete with winged dagger cheap apartment, driving a SAS motif wine label) is in fact, cheap car, sleeping on a sofa cheap German wine purchased bed & watching a 10-inch black & white TV. from the local Netto. Inside the Sgt's Mess in a glass Aren't older women great? case is a dressed up mannequin in genuine Iranian Embassy Man goes to a costume garb! Only it's not a manneparty wearing only a glass jar quin. It is in fact none other on his penis. than Lofty Wiseman, who is A woman asks, 'What are you?' paid to stand in the glass case He says, 'I'm a Fireman' completely still from 12.30pm 'But you're only wearing a glass until the bar closes around jar?', says the woman. midnight. He is entitled to free 'Exactly! In an emergency, food and refreshments in the break glass, pull knob and I'll bar too. come as fast as I can!' They are vulnerable to kryp37


Mexicans Have Kleenex In 'Wow Derek, looks like who it is.' you fellas had one hell of a The Postman laughs and says, a Turmoil. Refills can be obtained in the nearest public toilet or hotel restroom completely free of charge. They say adversity is the mother of invention. Umbrella extensions are available. www.swine.flu/chinesebazar.

party last night,' the Postman comments. Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' 'Well, all the blokes go into the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin. 38

'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)." They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."


"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber. "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples." "Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!" "No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand. ‘Lollipop’ is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'. (Are you doubting this?) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Who’ Facebook Profile is it?

39


The Dentist pulls out a

to hold onto when I pull your freezing needle to give the man tooth.' a shot. This was an article from 'No way! No needles! I hate the St. Petersburg Times needles,' the patient said. The Dentist starts to hook up Newspaper on Sunday. The Business Section asked readers the laughing gas and the man for ideas on "How Would You objects. Fix the Economy?" I thought 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask this was the BEST idea. I think this guy nailed it! on is suffocating me!' The Dentist then asks the paDear Mr. President, tient if he has any objection to Patriotic retirement: There's taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. about 40 million people over 50 in the work force; pay them 'I'm fine with pills.' $1 million apiece severance The Dentist then returns and with the following stipulations: says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.' The patient says, 'Wow! I did- 1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemn't know Viagra worked as a ployment fixed. painkiller!!' 2) They buy NEW American 'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

40

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?" "BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."

Me: "I think I'm going deaf, Doctor" Doc: "Describe the symptoms" Me: "Homer's the fat one and Marge has blue hair....." I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?


41


Little Johnny was asked by his English teacher if he knew when to use capital letters. He said yes and the teacher asked him to write an example on the black board. Without hesitation he wrote the following sentence: I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse. A commissioner of a large UK charity noticed that a particular wealthy Scottish lawyer had never made a charitable donation. He decided to phone the man and ask him for a donation. The commissioner explained to the lawyer that he had gone through the lawyer’s business accounts and seen no tax-deductible charity payments. The Scottish lawyer calmly asked the commission if his records also showed that his mother had a terminal illness, and needed constant nursing care. The commissioner, a bit flustered, admitted that no, they didn’t. The Scottish lawyer then asked if the records showed that his brother’s family had a very ill child, who also needed very expensive treatment. The commissioner, by this time feeling a bit of a dick, again admitted that no, they didn’t. The lawyer then asked if the records showed that his own daughter had been involved in a serious car accident, and that as a result she was unable to provide for his grandchildren. By now, feeling very contrite, the commissioner said that no, they didn’t. Then the lawyer finished off by

This little old lady was behind me and all she had was a carton of milk. I said, “Is that all you’ve got, love?” She said, What do you call a group of “Yes,” so I did the only decent thing I could. I told her, “Well black pilots? Niggas with altiyou’d be better off in another tude. queue dear, coz I’m gonna be Professor Stephen Hawkins fucking ages here!” went on a blind date the other What starts with a ‘t’, evening. He was back two hours later with a black eye, a ends with a ‘t’, and has t in it? busted arm and bruising on his A teapot. legs. The bitch stood him up. What can you fill a wheelbarrow with that makes it I was in the queue at Lidl lighter? Holes. the other day with two full trolleys of booze and shopping. saying, “Well, if I don’t give them fuck all, why the hell should I give you any?”

42


Senior citizens

"oh yeah? Who's are the nation's leading carriers your partner?" of aids! Hearing aids. Band aids. Bobby says "dad, Roll aids. Walking aids. Medical you don't need one if you have aids. Government aids. a good enough Most of all, monetary aid to hand!" their kids!

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken. What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's dick.

What do you call 20 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

Little Bobby gets up in the middle of the night and has to use the bathroom. On the way to the bathroom, he passes his parents room, notices the door slightly open, peeks in, sees the sheets moving, and says "hey dad, watcha doing?" Dad says "I'm playing poker, go to bed". "well who's your partner?" "your mom, go to bed!" So then he peeks in his sister's room, looks in and sees the sheets moving "hey sis, watcha doing?" "playing poker, go to bed" "who's your partner?" "my boyfriend, go to bed!" So the next morning, everybody is downstairs eating breakfast, but they notice that little Bobby isn't there. So dad goes up to see what's keeping him. Dad looks in Bobby's room, sees the sheets moving, and says "hey son, watcha doing?" "I'm playing poker dad." Dad says

What do you call a black guy with blonde hair? Guinness. A smart looking elderlygentleman was walking down the street one day following a very beautiful woman. He approached the beauty and posed the following question, "Good afternoon my dear, can I smell your pussy?" he asked. Gasping and taken aback the woman instantly slapped his face and replied, "No sir you may NOT!". "Well then..." the gentleman responded, "It must be your feet..."

names on here for?" The priest proudly explained to Johnny that the plaque was there so we would not forget the people that died in the service. Still befuddled little Johnny promptly asked the priest "Was that the 3:00 or the 6:00 service?"

A man worked in an Ayuntamiento office. One day, he was looking through an old filing cabinet in the corner. In A priest was greeting the the back of the bottom drawer, worshippers in the church he found a dusty old brass lobby one Sunday when he lamp. He took it out, and when noticed little Johnny staring at a he brushed some of the dust large plaque on the wall. The off, a Genie appeared. The gethe entire time the priest was nie said "I am the Genie of the greeting people, little Johnny lamp, and I will grant you three stared inquisitively at the wishes." The man thought for a plaque and the priest noticed moment, and said "I would like him several times. Finally as the a big, cold beer, and POOF!! an worshippers tapered off the ice-cold quart of Lager appriest approached little Johnny peared before him. Then, he and asked him what he was said "for my second wish, I doing. Little Johnny asked, would like to be the only man, "Pastor, what are all of these living on a tropical island with 43


one hundred beautiful women", and POOF!!!, he was standing on a white sand beach, surrounded by palm trees and gorgeous babes. He thought a little and told the Genie "for my third wish, I don't ever want to have to work again", and POOF!!!, he was back at his desk in the Ayuntamiento office.

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" The biker shouts, "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account... now!" She replies calmly, "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." She then leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform her of the situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" The old biker explains, "There's no damn problem. I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Juan-on-Juan.

of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied Why do Italians hate "There are the Catholic, the Jehovah's Witnesses? Salvation Army, the PresbyteBecause Italians don't like any rian, and the Baptist types. witnesses... Which one would you prefer?" Now totally befuddled, the man A man walked into the asked about the differences ladies department of Macy's between them. The Saleslady and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter to responded, "It is all really quite buy a Christmas gift for his wife simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation and said, "I'd like to buy a bra Army type lifts the fallen. The for my wife." "What type of Presbyterian type keeps them bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?"

inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, What do you call two Span- even with all of this variety, iards playing basketball? there are really only four types 44

staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

How does a woman hold her liquor? By his ears.


A DOG'S LIFE. Can you find the dogs hidden in the box? They may be horizontal, vertical or diagonal, forwards or backwards.

What do you get when you cross a Rumanian with an octopus? Hell if I know, but it sure can pick a lot of oranges.

What's the difference between a militant lesbian and a sperm whale? About fifty pounds and a flannel shirt!

AIREDALE, ALSATIAN, APPENZELLER, BASSET, BEAGLE, BEDLINGTON, BLOODHOUND, BORZOI, BOXER, BULLDOG, CHIHUAHUA, CHINOOK, CHOW CHOW, COLLIE, CORGI, DACHSHUND, DALMATIAN, DOBERMAN, GREAT DANE, GREYHOUND, HUSKY, JACK RUSSELL, LABRADOR, LANDSEER, MAGYAR, MASTIFF, PEKINGESE, POINTER, POMERANIAN, POODLE, PUG, ROTTWEILER, SAMOYED, SANSHU, SETTER, SHEEPDOG, SPANIEL, TERRIER, WHIPPET.

45


Smuggler Puzzle Pages

Solutions Page 61

Giant Sudoku Puzzle. Fill each empty cell so that every row, every column and every 5x5 box contains all the letters from A to Y. This will keep you busy.

46


Easy

Hard

12. Birds of prey (6) 13. Notion (4) 16. Large spider (9) 18. The lowest point of anything (5) 19. Implied (5) Down 1. Journal (5) 2. Menagerie (3) 3. World's longest river (4) 4. Secret or hidden (6) 5. Bustling (7) 6. Abated (5) 9. Placed a bet (7) 11. Thinner (6) 12. Consumed (5) 14. Proficient (5) 15. Female relative (4) 17. Part of a circle (3) Across 1. Twelve (5) 4. Hoard (5)

7. Unaware (9) 8. Gape (4) 10. Wore away (6) 47


A little flea has

Two days later he's back some time on his hands at the travel agents. and decides he needs a "Now what?" holiday so takes himself "It was absolute heaven, off to the travel agents. she spent all day laying on the beach naked, the Tells the assistant he wants sunshine, warmth sun warming her muff nicely, it was lovely and & just a touch of moisture ... somewhere away moist, I was having a from the stresses of the fabulous time." "So what's the problem, flea world. Travel agent says, "I can why are you back here so soon?" give you a week in Cannes in Ringo Starr's "Suddenly found myself back in Omar's f**kin' hair." "Sounds great," says the moustache!" flea. Two days later he's back The gynaecologist at the travel agents, "So said to the new mother. what went wrong then?" "I'm sorry to have to tell you that you've given "Ringo stayed in his room all day long playing birth to a seven pound Ear." the drums and shaking his head to the beat and The woman screamed and fainted. I ended up with a miThe gynaecologist graine!" turned to the midwife. "OK," says the travel "Fuck this, you can tell agent, "How about a her it's deaf." week in Omar Sherif's moustache in St Tropez?" To prepare for his "Yeah, that sounds good role as Henno Garvey in to me," says the flea. Ultimate Force, actor Three days later he's Ross Kemp practised back again. milling with his wife "What happened this flame haired Editrix Retime?" bekah Wade. Unfortu"He spent all his time in nately he lost and was the casino, smoking RTU'd to Eastenders. those awful cheroots he loves so much and chok- Most people in the ing me to death!" says town of Bournemouth the flea. have eleven toes and Travel agent says, "Got a play the theme tune late cancellation, same from the film Deliverplace but this time it's a ance on the banjo. week in Bridget Bardots muff, you'll love it." 48


Old Timer Sex The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.?" "Yes" she says, 'I remember it well.' "OK" he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, thinks, I've got to see these two oldtimers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows the the elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the 49

policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"


Jimmy spotted the bar on the corner as he turned into the narrow Spanish street. This was the start of the second day of his new Spanish life and he was already yearning for his morning fry up. The yearning was about to turn into satisfaction, he could smell the bacon frying, hear the sausages sizzling, he looked forward to establishing a source of breakfast fare in his new home town. As he entered the bar he sensed that something was amiss, first off the bar was empty apart from the huge bloke with the baseball cap and sunglasses perched on his head and secondly the guy hadn’t even looked up to give any kind of welcome to Jimmy. “Hi there what’s the chance of a breakfast mate” Jimmy spouted, in the hope he was English. “BREAKFAST! BREAKEFAST! You come in here looking at me with those homophobic eyes and you want me to cook you breakfast, get out of here your barred I tell you ya barred”. Jimmy staggered back into the street wondering what he

had done to upset the fudge packer. It was then that he noticed the name of the bar ‘The Barr Barr Bar’ little did Jimmy realise that on only the second day of his new life in Spain he had joined the membership of growing club. ‘The barred from The Barr Barr Bar’.

ryone puling their clothes off and shouting Ole’ Ole’. He was certain he caught a glimpse of Olive, the one who was in that television series ‘On The Busses’ and all the cast from TV’s Benidorm. Jimmy was happy staggering the rest of the way home. He thought. if it’s good enough for them then this place is right for me.

Settling into life in Spain has been a bit traumatic for Jimmy. After reading the advert for a ‘Private Function’ in the town Jimmy thought it would be a great evening out and a chance to meet new people. He was right, what a great crowd. The music was pulsing the DJ was hot, she played good music too, this is what he had come to Spain for. It was only as he was leaving the bar that he discovered the main guest at the ‘Private Function’ had failed to show, still he felt sure he would get to meet the Chinese guest ‘Chloe Fucking Who’ at a later date. Help Jimmy settle into Spain During his stagger home invite him to your next Jimmy passed what he befunction and read his lieved to be the local strip thoughts in next months joint at least he thought edition of ‘The Smuggler’. that’s what it was with evejimmy@thesmuggler.es 50


51


An 80-year-old guy marries a 20 year old beauty. She, of course, is thinking about the inheritance that will soon come her way. She may even speed along the time that this inheritance arrives by giving the old guy a very active sex life. So, imagine her distress when, on the third day of their honeymoon, she finds her new husband in bed with a 45 year old lady. The young woman finally blurts out "What does she have, that I don't have?" Her spouse replies, "Lots of patience."

A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon

and screams, "Big Bad Bart is coming! Big Bad Bart is coming! We gotta get outta town." Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the bar slips on a beer and knocks himself unconscious. When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center of the town on two buffaloes, whipping them with a rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on." He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon. Breaking both doors off the

52

hinges while entering, he walks up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some beer in a gallon jug." After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the man drinks it in three seconds flat. When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk out the door. The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another beer?" The man turns around and says, "Heck no, Big Bad Bart is coming! I gotta get outta town!"


Groucho Marx had some of the best Lines …

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that. (SEH) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Room service? Send up a larger room. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? You've got the brain of a fouryear-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it. Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to

the library and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. 53

Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along. Whatever it is I'm against it. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Quote me as saying I was misquoted. “What do you call a Russian with 1 ball? Ujanicka Bollokoff.” “What do you call a Russian prostitute? Riva Knickersoffalot.”


‘One Liners’ for the girls……. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember, you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in nappies. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there. Tell him your not his type you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone. Never sleep with a man whose name is Willy. Go for the younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay. Man are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed or not yet found the opportunity to make some woman miserable. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. Love is blind - but marriage is a

Face Rings! A bell.

real eye-opener. If you want a committed man, look in a mental institution. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'Oh, alright. I'll stay the night.' Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing. Sadly, all men are created equal. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "you may be, you look familiar." 54

“Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.”


One Liners For Guy’s 1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. 2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt).... Let's get you out of these wet clothes. 3. Nice legs...what time do they open? 4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one? 9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. 10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. 11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a euro. 12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. 13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. 14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? 15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. 18. If it's true that we are what

we eat, then I could be you by morning. 19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. 20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? 21. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom? 22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedyou can tickle me anytime you room floor. 23. My name is Ollie... remem- want to. ber that, you'll be screaming it later. 24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? 25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. 26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute." 27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 28. My name isn't Elmo, but 55


Three women were sit-

woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let ting around throwing back a me suck on your nipples." few drinks and talking about She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll their love lives. have my boyfriend kick your One woman said, "I call my ass." husband the dentist. Nobody He laughs and says, "Alright, can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then." confessed, "I call my husband She says, "Listen, if you say one the miner because of his inmore thing to me, I will have credible shaft." my man kill you." The third woman quietly "This is my final offer", he says, sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and call your husband?" drink from it." She frowned and said, "The She gets up, walks over to her postman." boyfriend, tells him this guy "Why the postman?" said he was going to lick her "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the tits. He yells, "I'll kill him!" wrong box." She then tells him he was going A man sees a fine looking to kiss her. By now he's pissed

56

and starts walking in his direction. She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!" Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for


several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. The blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

chio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So Pinocchio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need." A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinocchio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinocchio says, "Who needs girls?"

"WELCOME TO SPAIN - Set your watch back 20 years."

One night, Pinoc-

57


losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices, one saying nice things, and one being really offensive, and there's not a soul in here but us." "Ah" answered the bartender. "the peanuts...they're complimentary, but the bandit's out of order."

This old wino staggers into

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies" "Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?" "Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket. The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?" "Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey. "That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?" With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy. "That really is amazing" replied

the bartender, "Can he talk?" "Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!". Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". A little worried, the man decides to play the slot machine. As he puts a coin in the bandit he hears a harsh voice say, "You ugly cunt." Looking around there's still noone around. A couple of seconds later the second voice said, "Fuck off you ugly tosser!" At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be 58

a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside. A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left. Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw. Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks. The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"


59


The local pub was so sure don't allow

animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!" "No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards." "Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and A guy walks into a bar leaves. with his dog and says, "I'll have Ten minutes go by and the dog a Scotch and water and my dog doesn't come back. The owner would like a whiskey sour." returns and asks where is the The bartender says, "Sorry, we dog. So both of them go off to

that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing ÂŁ1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money. Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar. Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

60

see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!" The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."


61


Distribution Agents for The Smuggler Alfaz: Roys Auction House. Benidorm: Trade Wise. Benissa: Café Pronto (in Iceland). Cabo Roig: Slievenamon Irish Pub. Calpe: New Chester’s Bar; Tasty Pastry; Saffy’s Bar. Denia: Bar Café Olé. Els Poblets: The Orange Grove Restaurant. Jalon: Quick Save; Lemon Tree Bar; Harry Stafford’s Fish & Chips. Javea: Euro Bazar; Coastal Bar; Bomber’s Pub; Digby’s Bar; Inspirations; James the Barber; Sertel scp; Quo Vadis; Incodnito Fish and Chips; Checker’s Pizza; English Bakers. La Font D’en Carros Restaurant Tossal Gros. La Llosa de Camacho: Bar Emilio. La Marina: La Marina Lavanderia. La Xara: Kelly’s of La Xara. Los Altos: Welcome Inn. Los Dolses: Madigan’s Bar; Bar Wicked. Moraira: Hamiltons of London; Mojo’s Bar Bistro. Moraira – Calpe Coast Rd: Tich’s Bar; CornishPride; David’s Fish & Chip Shop. Oliva: Quick Save; Magnum’s Bar; Bar Express; La Brasa; Café Ole. Orba: The New Forn Vell. Playa Flamenca: Macey’s Shop; Punta Prima: The Captain’s Table Restaurant. San Luis: Hoggies Bar. Teulada: Base Satellite. Torrevieja: Express Internet. Villa Martin: Chadwick’s Bar. Contact Paul on 690 345 135 Email: editor@thesmuggler.es

62


63


64


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.