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Visit our web site at www.thesmuggler.es and join in our new forum, pass comment on the magazine, start a new topic, post a joke, or write a witty story. Best wishes to all our readers for the coming year. At the moment life is not giving us much to laugh at and things seem to be closing in on our ex-pat community here in Spain. However The Smuggler will endeavour to bring a smile to your face and an embarrassing chuckle bursting from you when you’re sat in public having a read. This month the Smuggler Magazine has had a boost with the inclusion of the Listenup magazine edited and produced by Adam King of Bay Radio Fame. We will be developing the, what's on pages, within the Listenup to cover the whole of the Smuggler distribution area. So if your having a gig, give us a call with your details and we will include it in next months issue. ‘Laughter therapy boosts the interferon levels of the immune system which helps the system's ability to fight illness and escalates healing. Laughter decreases stress hormones that constrict blood vessels and suppress immune activity’. “Your having a laugh aren’t you” Distribution Points For The Smuggler Magazine Listed On Page 62 To Advertise in The Smuggler/Listenup Call: Paul (Denia-Javea-Calpe Area) 690 34 51 35 Paul (Costa Blanca South)
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Deadline for adverts for the month of February is 24th January 09 The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor. 2
even then they were only racing models. Anthony Randell, via email.
the ongoing economic crisis. I have recently moved over from Dear Editor England and wanted your adTrue story. A ‘certain’ blonde I vice as to where would be the know recently came with me Editor says: Mr Randell’s email best place to keep my money. when I went to buy some new stretched to several pages, Do you think keeping it under hubcaps for my car. When we detailing the history of the As- my mattress would be a good got back to the car she said, ton Martin company and the idea? with a tone of incredulity, DB3 in particular. He also de- Steve Copeland, Xativa. “That’s amazing!” To think voted five long paragraphs to that they stock hubcaps for Ian Fleming’s early life. We Dear Steve every single make of car!” also had a couple of emails I think the best thing to do Name withheld, via telephone. pointing out that Timex have with your money is to send it never produced an to us, and we’ll keep it under Dear Editor ‘Adventurer’ model. We our mattress. (Ed) Really love the mag, however I would like to sincerely apolofeel I must point out an error gise to Mr Randell and the oth- Dear Ed in your December issue. If Ian ers for any confusion or ofI’ve been going out with my Fleming was writing at the age fence our article caused. I girlfriend for ages. We reached of 13, as you claim, the year never like upsetting a nutter, the stage where I feel comfortwould have been 1921 (Fleming that’s my philosophy. able farting in bed a long time was born in 1908), Aston Marago, but she still seems to get tin did not start producing Dear Editor upset when I follow through. DBIII models until 1957, and I am really concerned about Do any of your readers have
Letters to the Editor.
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any advice as to when this stage will pass? The constant rows are doing my head in. Rick O’Shea, Javea Park.
make. I believe it’s only fair that you also visit other eateries in order to give a balanced opinion on the competition. I think you’ll find it’s a Dear Editor, `Finger lickin´good´ idea. Col. Sanders (retired), I’ve just read that the Benidorm. 1998 film `Out Of Sight´, starring George Clooney Dear Editor and Jennifer Lopez, was voted sexiest film ever by Think you’ve got a great mag going here, but I 100 actors, directors, won’t pay a euro for it! I critics and producers. Yeah, right! I have a vast just wait till one of my collection of top quality mates has bought it, then borrow off them. Shot DVD´s, and you´ll have yourself in the foot to look long and hard there, I’m afraid. before you see a film as Colin Steeple, via email. sexy as `Big Busty Berthas Bishop-Bashing Bonanza´. Come to think of Editor says: May I thank it, I reckon `Smutty Susie you for your informative email. I’d like to send and Sweaty Sandra’s Steamy Slut Sauna´ two- you a box of Smuggler goodies as a token of my hour special would give any movie a run for their appreciation, but unfortunately you didn’t inmoney as well. Those guys know nothing about clude your postal address. Please email me true romance. John Thomas, El Poblets. back with your details and I’ll get one out to you. Also, so that my Dear Editor, I would just like to point spam filter doesn’t bounce your email back out how enraged I was with your article entitled please put in the heading box: OBNOXIUS ARSE`The Smuggler Restaurant Review´ (page 32) in HOLE – DELETE IMMElast month’s (Dec.2008) DIATELY. edition (issue 21) about a local eatery based loosely around a clown who’s name is not dissimilar to a children’s song about a farmer that possesses a number of farmyard animals and the different sounds said animals
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The Ragged Clown/2009 Predictions And so the circle of life spins on. Another New Year. And with it comes new challenges, new horizons, new episodes of Emmerdale. I can hardly wait. But what else will the New Year bring? Using the full resources of The Smuggler’s extensive news archives and the opinions of top experts (well, the opinions of James, my barber) we are able to offer our readers a glimpse of the future. Today. JANUARY
a white camel through southern Afghanistan. When ground forces move in, Bin Laden leads U.S. troops on a slow-speed camel chase before finally surrendering.
"Harry Potter and the Accelerated Aging Potion," it explains why the actors in future movie versions of the book will appear to be 30 years old.
MARCH
AUGUST
• Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger tries to fix the state's budget crisis by mailing a "Deficit Reduction Chain Letter" to 10 other states, asking each to send $500 million. The letter notes that bad luck has befallen states that broke past chains.
• BBC Prime finally hits No. 1 in the ratings, thanks to a reality-show adaptation of Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" in which annoying celebrities are beaten and scourged. The first episodes are titled "The Passion of Paris Hilton" and "The Passion of Donald Trump's Hair."
APRIL
• Either someone is the SEPTEMBER ‘Lucky 14th Caller’, or there’s a terrible fire at local Span• In the biggest technological ish radio station. breakthrough of the century, Ronco introduces the Crawl MAY Blocker, which erases all those news tickers that crawl • Arse-hole Simon Cowell across the bottom of the TV publishes his novel, "The screen when you watch Five People You Meet in CNN, Sky News, Fox News Hades." The list: Cowell, Cowell, Cowell, Cowell and and other stations. Viewers • Black man is given worst who use the device are Cowell. job in America. shocked to discover that Sky JUNE News host Eamonn Holmes FEBRUARY wears no pants, and mastur• Denia Medical Centre bates profusely. • During the Super Bowl half- comes under fire again. time show, Paul McCartney Spanish investigators link • Shortly after scientists at sings "When I'm 64" (soon to the troubled facility to global Caltech invent the world's be retitled "When I Was 64"). warming, the War of 1812 first time machine, Chrysler Everything proceeds and poor gas mileage in rolls out a sport-utility versmoothly until Justin Timber- SUVs. Another report says sion that gets 14 years per lake appears onstage and the hospital was on the gallon. Many buyers use the inadvertently causes a grassy knoll when President vehicle to live in other eras "wardrobe malfunction" that Kennedy was assassinated. and commute to work in the reveals the ex-Beatle is present. Some live in the JULY wearing incontinent pants. 1950s because housing is cheap and schools are safe. • The eighth "Harry Potter" • Reconnaissance planes But during rush hour, it can spot Osama bin Laden riding book is released. Titled • Boy George is caught trying to tunnel her way out of prison. Officials say the escape plot would have succeeded if George hadn't spent so much time decorating the tunnel with imported Italian tiles, woodland accent pillows and festive wall sconces made from shivs.
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take them years to reach today's world, especially if there's an accident in the space-time continuum. When a time-travelling big rig overturns in the year 1985, traffic is forced to detour through the Middle Ages.
ping golf balls outside his cave in Afghanistan at the time. DECEMBER
• A fat, jolly looking man with a big OCTOBER sack comes down your • President Obama finally chimney, and admits economy is fucked. Asks if anyone wants a sec- takes you for ond-hand bullet proof car, or everything you’ve got! will exchange for a lowmilage Chevy. HAPPY NOVEMBER NEW YEAR EVERYONE! • At his trial, Osama bin Laden pleads not guilty to the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, insisting he was chip-
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An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says. One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?." "I know these things," replied the Indian. They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks." "How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again. "I know these things." After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come." "How'd you know that!?" "Ear wet."
A little boy and a paedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says, "Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy." The paedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself." A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some
news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 8
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?' 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'
You Had Your Say At Xmas. 1. I prefer breasts to legs. 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5. I've never seen a better spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
Of course I love ya darling. You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous. I mean every single word. So ya bum is on the big side. I don't mind a bit of flab. It means that when I'm ready. There's somethin there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more. I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya. I can get my arms round there No sheila who is your age. Has nice round perky breasts. They just gave in to gravity. But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now. I never tell ya lies I think its very sexy. That you've got dimples on ya thighs. I swear on me nanna's grave now. The moment that we met. I thought you was as good as. I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like. I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the footy's on. And fetch another beer.
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A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic
Smuggler Challenge Let Us Know!
smile on his face. 'Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad!' he said breathlessly. 'Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!' His mother turned red and said to her husband, 'He's your son. You talk to him'. Then she left the room. The father said 'Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed Iraqi terrorist Khay Rah- bike you've been wanting. najet didn't pay enough postage I hope you don't mind waiting on a letter bomb. It came back till payday to get it'. 'That's OK, Dad', said the boy. with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was 'I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore!' the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. Bradford & Bingley (Still having a bad day? Just reemployees are concerned they member, it could get better Ed) were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank. A A couple were sitting up Government spokesman said: waiting for their 16 year old 'No one expected the Spanish son to come home from a so- acquisition.' cial engagement, when the boy came into the house with a big crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm. (Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse..Ed)
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What have an Icelandic bank male reaches a
and an Icelandic streaker got in certain age, a common? They both have fro- string is tied around his penis zen assets. and on the other end is a weight. A director decided to After a while, the award a prize of ÂŁ50 for the best idea of saving the company weight stretches the penis to 24 money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young inches. Later that eveexecutive who suggested reducing the prize money to ÂŁ10. ning as the husband was getting out of the News from the Far East: shower, his wife Uncertainty has now hit Japan . looked down at In the last seven days, Origami him and said, bank has folded, Sumo Bank "How about we has gone belly up and Bonsai try the African Bank has announced plans to string-and-weight procedure?" cut some of its branches. Yes- The husband agreed and they terday, it was also announced tied a string and weight to his that Karaoke Bank will go up penis. for sale and will likely go for a A few days later, the wife asked song, while shares in Kamikaze the husband, "How is our little Bank were suspended today tribal experiment coming after they nose-dived. While along?" Samurai Bank is soldiering on "Well, it looks like we're about after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff half way there," he replied. at Karate Bank got the chop "Wow, you mean and analysts report that there it's grown to 12 is something fishy going on at inches?" Sushi Bank, where it is feared "No, it's turned that staff may get a raw deal. black."
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family
A completely
inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, A couple was watching a "I've got to take Discovery Channel special you in, pal. You're about an African obviously drunk. bush tribe whose men all had "Our wasted friend penises 24 inches long. When a asked, "Officer, are 11
yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price? Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something.
The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.' Is it them or me?
ager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.
Overheard in a City bar: Q. What's the capital of Ice'This credit crunch is worse land ? than a divorce. I've lost half my A. About ÂŁ3.50. net worth and I still have a wife.' Latest news: The Isle of An architect, a surgeon Dogs bank has collapsed. I talked to my bank man- and an economist are discussThey've called in the retrievers. ing the Creation. The surgeon says: 'Look, we surgeons are most important. God's a surgeon because the first thing he did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The architect says: 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. He made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiles: 'And who made the chaos?' A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
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A Cowboy sitting in a
The young man did as he was saloon one Saturday night rec- told, stood up, whipped out his ognized an elderly man standing 44 and shot the bow tie off the at the bar who, in his day, had piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot the reputation of being the shot. 'Got any more tips for fastest gun in the West. me?' The young cowboy took a 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a place next to the old-timer, notch out of your holster bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambi- where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother tion. draw' 'Do you think you could give 'Will that make me a better me some tips?' he asked. gunfighter?' asked the younger The old man looked him up man. and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your 'You bet it will,' said the oldtimer. gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, 'Will that make me a better drew his gun in a blur, and then gunfighter?' asked the young shot a cufflink off the piano man. 'Sure will,' replied the player. old-timer.
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'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.' Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did. Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Barry. Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would
like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Barry. Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Barry. Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Barry began to write his letter to God. LETTER 4: I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F**KING BIKE!!!
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A couple were 85 years old from seafood to steaks to ex-
and had been married for sixty otic deserts, free flowing beverages. years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter by because they watched their to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' pennies. The old man looked around Though not young, they were and glanced nervously at his both in very good health, wife. largely due to the wife's insis'Well, where are the low fat tence on healthy foods and and low cholesterol foods and exercise for the last decade. the decaffeinated tea?,' he One day, their good health didn't help when they went on asked. a rare vacation and their plane That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and crashed, sending them off to drink as much as you like of Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. and St.. Peter escorted them This is Heaven!' The old man inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. in the master bath. A maid 'No testing my sugar or blood could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. pressure or....' 'Never again. All you do here They gasped in astonishment is enjoy yourself.' when he said, 'Welcome to The old man glared at his wife Heaven. This will be your and said, 'You and your fucking home now.' The old man asked Peter how bran Flakes. We could have much all this was going to cost. been here ten years ago!' 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests in Heaven..' come back with normal results. The old man looked out the window and right there he saw The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are a championship golf course, you doing mentally and emofiner and more beautiful than tionally. Are you at peace with any ever built on Earth.. God?' 'What are the greens fees?,' George replies, 'God and I grumbled the old man. are tight. He knows I have 'This is heaven,' St. Peter repoor eyesight, so he's fixed it plied. 'You can play for free, so when I get up in the middle every day.' of the night to go to the BathNext they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet room, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof *!, lunch, with every imaginable the light goes off.' cuisine laid out before them, 16
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof *! The light goes off?' 'OH MY GOD!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!! THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
I've got a lot of time for people who choose to act in porn films. Saying that, it's usually about 3 1/2 minutes.
I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She's done nothing but moan ever since.
Thousands of police officers are to be armed with
Taser stun guns, I think that's really shocking.
Yesterday evening, I had to change a light bulb. A bit
After doing a spot of DIY, later on, I crossed the road and
I came to realise that wallpapering is a lot like sex. The drier it gets, the harder and faster you have to do it.
walked into a bar with an Englishman, Irishman and a Scots man. I realised my life was a big joke.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder
After Sarkozy's recent
outfit for Christmas. I asked, but the Early Learning Centre don't sell boot polish or replica AK47s.
contribution of troops to Iraq , I now perfectly understand why the insurgents are showing absolutely no signs of giving up. Well, YOU wouldn't want to be the first to lose to the French, would you?
My wife used to think that FHM and Maxim were pornography. But then she found my real stash.
I heard some of my son's friends call my wife a MILF I found out this means mothers I'd like to fuck. So when I heard my teenage
My nephew wants a Pirate
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daughter's friends say your dad's FILF, I got a right stiffy. Turns out they found my porn collection.
Police reported earlier today that a cattle truck had tipped on its side, killing the driver and all 100 cattle on board. The family of the driver announced there will be a memorial service to commemorate the driver, followed by an all-you-can-eat barbecue. BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the
company, Glaswegian Bomber Gets which it had First Of His warranted that the cigars were Seventy Two Virgins insurable and Glaswegian Bomber also guaranteed that it Gets First Of His would insure Seventy Two Virgins them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires". NOW FOR money. 'Well, son, it was 1932. THE BEST PART.. The depth of the Great DeAfter the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company pression. I was down to my last had him arrested on 24 counts penny, so I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the entire of ARSON!!! day polishing the apple and, at With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previ- the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies. 'The next ous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted morning I bought two apples, of intentionally burning his in- spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies. I sured property and was sencontinued this for a month, by tenced to 24 months in jail which time I'd accumulated a and a $24,000 fine. fortune of ÂŁ1.37. 'Then my ONLY IN AMERICA ! wife's father died and left us A young man asked an eld- ÂŁ2m.' erly rich man how he made his 18
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Aggravated Auntie Problem Solver To The Ex-Pat Family. Dear Aunty, I never seem to have much luck with men. I always seem to attract violent, unpleasant men with personality disorders. It all started in the playground when I fell for the class bully after he shoved me over, pinged my knicker elastic and stole my marbles. It was love at first shove, I’m afraid even though he was always mean to me. My third husband (after a succession of badly-adjusted weirdos) seemed nice at first but within the first half hour of our first date he was shouting insults at me and carried on until I managed to give him the slip in Kwik Save the other day. Do you think I will ever find a nice, normal man? (Clamidia, Callosa d’en Sarria). Auntie says: Shouldn’t think so, no. Dear Aunty, I recently found out that the man I have been calling Dad for the past 20 years is not my biological father. It seems my mother had a quickie with a stranger one night after the pub. I am now thinking of tracing my biological father as I am interested to see what he is like and to see if he has any money because I am skint but then I started to worry because you hear these stories of long lost relatives turning up and needing a kidney or a few pints of plasma and I am really squeamish and also quite pos-
sessive of my major organs. Should I risk it? (Stevie, Altea La Vieja)
sion. At first your boyfriend will love it but believe me, soon he will be begging for mercy. I myself tried this Auntie says: I think you are some years ago on an arworrying unnecessarily – the dent suitor, and it was very chances of Pops turning up effective – he lost his urges on the first day! Failing that, clutching a begging bowl and demanding a kidney are try the cure that has worked quite slim really aren’t they. for millions of women – marry him! Never fails! On the other hand, if he does, you could turn the Dear Aunty, situation around. A good kidney goes for about 7,000 Towards the end of December I gave birth to a beautiful baby euros on the black market. boy. Due to reasons I can’t go You could charge him and into, I gave birth in the outcall it pocket-money back payment for all the years he house of our local bar. People were very kind and I got all missed. sorts of presents. My boyDear Aunty, friend, Joe, says it can’t be his I saw the problem on this page as he has had a vasectomy. I’m about the woman whose hus- afraid I do have a reputation band spends too long on the for being a bit of a slapper and loo and liked your reply about do vaguely remember getting putting laxatives in his food. I arsed in the Chinky in Calpe in was just wondering if you could March and having a quick shag suggest something I can put in on the beach with a nice my boyfriend’s food to stop bearded man. Anyway, who him waking up each morning can I sue for child maintenance and poking Señor Stiffy in my and do you know what the back? going rate is for Frankincense (Tracey, La Drova) and Myrrh these days? (Mary, Moraira) Auntie says: Well, it is rumoured that in World War II Auntie says: I suspect you the authorities put bromide are taking the piss, Mary. in the troops’ tea to suppress Next you will be telling me sexual urges but for a more the sex was so good it was natural approach try this re- “immaculate”. Stop wasting gime: insist on having sex my time. There are real with your boyfriend 3 times a people with real problems day for at least an hour each out there. session. Keep this up for a week and do not miss a ses20
*In last month’s issue, Aggravated Auntie, in reply to a letter indicating the husband was spending to long reading ‘The Smuggler’ in the crapper each morning. Aunty suggested the introduction of laxative into his evening meal. The dosage of such an introduction should be as described on the laxative packaging. The Smuggler magazine and its employees will not be responsible for the laundering costs of any ‘nestle splattered sheets’. For those of you who have already sent in invoices, for laundry services, may I say to you “tough shit”.* (Ed) More from ‘Aggravated Auntie’ in next months issue. If you have a problem you would like her to give advice on, the email her at editor@thesmuggler.es, or pop onto the forum at www.thesmuggler.es and post your problems there.(Ed)
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A Girls First Time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust himhe's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most re-
warding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, ‘What were you thinking'?
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 17701827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
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Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Paul. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Ursula. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Ursula to get a full-time job for the extra income that I need for beer. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she
nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult 24
for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my 20 St Paul points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair
man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Ursula. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh? EDITOR'S NOTE: Paul died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches of handle showing. His wife Ursula was arrested, but the all-woman jury Javea Port market accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it. A vacancy has arisen at ‘The Smuggler’ magazine in our advertising sales department.
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks, When promises to call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he's gainfully employed, And when I spend won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh send me a man who'll love my mind, Knows that to say when I ask "How big's my behind?". One who'll make love 'till my body's twitching', In the hall, the loo, the garden the kitchen. I pray this man will love me no end, And never attempt to shag my best friend. And as I kneel and pray by me bed, I look at the wanker you sent me instead. Amen.
ing, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. 5) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. 6) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. 7) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. 8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat 1) I saw a fat woman wearing a animals, then why are they sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I made out of meat? said 'Thyroid problem?' 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. 4) I was doing some decorat25
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 11) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up! They can't measure your intelligence. The scale won't go that low.
make love?" The woman says, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once." The man says, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about 50 times."
Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your This is a decision making test. You must read carefully, case, disgustuse your imagination and then ing. Can I borrow make a decision which will reyour face for a flect your speed, ability and integrity when under pressure. few days? My ass is going on For this test, you are a freelance photographer and jourvacation. nalist. The floods are happening again A young and you are one of the first on deaf-mute New Year Insults. the scene of a potential disascouple gets married. At first, ter, The river has become a He smiles so much, I don't they have sex with the lights raging torrent, sweeping everythink he has a central nervous on, in order to sign to each thing along that stands in its' system. other. way. Trees, cars, caravans and You're just like a doorknob, One day, the woman asks, cattle are being smashed into everyone gets a turn. "Can we try to make love with the weir ahead and you are getting some amazing shots I've seen better looking butts in the lights off?" The man says, "OK, but how from the outcrop of rocks you an ash tray. will you know when I want to are on. Suddenly, you see a I'd slap you -- but shit splatters.
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man being swept along and you realise with a thrill, that it is none other than Gordon Brown, who is again touring the floods. This is born out by a Motor Launch full of security and suchlike, chasing after. It's obvious that they will never get to him before he is swept into the weir, with almost certain fatal outcome. He sees you and raises an arm and you realise that this is a once in a lifetime happening. On one hand, you can become a legend as the man who saved the life of the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, all you have to do is throw him the lifebelt on the post by your side. Or, on the other hand you can take Pulitzer prize winning shots, which
will earn you a fortune, of Gordon Brown being smashed into the weir. You only have a split second to make your choice. Do you...... Carry on using colour, or do you switch to black and white for a possibly more dramatic shot ??
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Cyd the Cynic The Smuggler’s Annual Nutter’s Award Hello, good evening and welcome to this, the second Smuggler’s Annual Nutter’s Award. This award is given to the Nuttiest, Strangest, Weirdest or just plain mostbaffling letters, email, texts, phone calls and faxes we’ve received over the last twelve months. Competition is stiff, and the standard is high, especially as we’ve seemed to have had a bumper crop of Nutters this year, and so on with the show… First up is an email we received from a Mr J.B. This one is interesting because I have come across Mr J.B. before. Prior to working with The Smuggler I was employed by another Costa Blanca magazine (its name rhymed with cow pat, and it is now sadly defunct). Whilst I was there, he sent us a letter with a similar content to the email he sent The Smuggler, written in coloured pencil (I kid you not!). The general theme of his email is that the lost continent of Atlantis actually exists. It is kept off the maps by a massive cover up instigated by the United States’ Government. In revenge for this slight, the people of Atlantis are plotting to kill the president, with a nuclear missile. He quotes various sources from different media that he claims back up his beliefs. The email ran to
about fourteen pages, but the best bit, which we print below, is the final, brilliant sentence: “I have sent all this information to Gordon Brown, AND HE HAS DONE NOTHING ABOUT IT!” I just love his shocked sense of outrage. Well done, Mr J.B! Extra marks were awarded for consistency. Next up we have a submission for publication from a Mrs K.R. We print the first paragraph below: “Have you ever wondered what the world would be like without chairs? I have, and let me tell you, what a sad world it would be. Can you imagine going to the cinema, eating a meal, having a drink with friends, or even just relaxing at home without being able to sit down? It would be awful! Especially if you had spent all day, on your feet at work as well.” The letter goes on to examine, in minute detail, various different aspects of what she imagines a world without chairs would be like. The 28
topics covered range from the difficulty of teaching children who are standing up all day, how writers would struggle, how the need for tables would be dramatically reduced without there being any chairs and the economic effects of not having a chair manufacturing industry. To be fair, Mrs K.R. does look at the positive side of not having chairs – the lessening of the need for cutting down trees, the rise in fitness level of a less sedentary population and more storage space in the home – again, all discussed is mindboggling detail. The problem is: I can’t decide whether Mrs K.R. is a bona fida genius - someone who is redefining the parameters of comedy with a skill unseen since the Monty Python team; or a sad, lonely simpleton, who shouldn’t really be allowed out on her own. I’ll let you
changes though, she loves the mag. Well that’s all right then! A rich source of weirdAnother interesting one ness is the ‘Complaint’ we received was from a letter. Usually they are complaining about lady I will call O, who something or other in the hails from Javea Port. magazine, but not so She told us that she loves the mag, but thinks with Mr R.R. He was it needs a few changes. complaining about the She wants us to remove Guardia Civil. As far as we can make out he had all the smutty jokes, go his UK registered car from black and white to colour, increase the size taken off him for not having UK road tax. Oh, of the mag to A4, inand he was also fined for crease the price to not having insurance. €2.50, sell it through He says this is wrong subscription only, and include more local infor- and the Guardia are cormation as to what’s hap- rupt, and he wants to pening in and around the know why we haven’t started a campaign Costa Blanca. Apart against the Guardia. from these minor decide. Whatever, well done Mrs K.R. – you’ve been published.
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to take a photo of your own hand, and also I don’t think my camera is very good. It’s quite an old one and only has 1.3 milWe received several complaint letters bemoaning the lion mega pixels, which sounds a lot scarcity of various British but isn’t really. If food goods here in Spain, and quite a few complaining someone could come and take a about how expensive English TV is over here. Some- photo, I would be how, I don’t think these writ- very happy to meet you some time. Just ers have quite got to grasp let me know when. with the concept of The I should point out Smuggler Magazine yet. that I am not a nutter. I have had But now, on to the winner. no images of religious sigThe votes have been counted and verified. All of nificance appear, although if us at The Smuggler are very I did I doubt I would ever cut it, as I have all the others proud to announce this year’s champion. A Mr A. H. (even one of my now sadly departed mother). of Torrevieja sent us this email. We print it in full be- Hope to hear from you soon, low, and the original is avail- (Full name withheld).” able for inspection at our Many thanks for your email offices. Mr A.H. We’ll be in touch. See you all at next year’s “Dear Smuggler The flecks on my fingernails ceremony. often appear to be the faces of either people I know per- Thor mopes on Mt. Olymsonally, or famous people. I pus. Zeus asks him why he have one on my right thumb- looks so depressed. Thor says nail at the moment that is an that he misses the companionalmost exact likeness of ship and love of a woman. Zeus President George Washing- tells Thor that he will fix the ton. His fame and the fact problem by sending Thor down that he appears on my right to Earth. thumbnail make it a particu- Thor lands in the backyard of a larly important happening. single woman. The two immeI have tried to take photos of diately start making love and my fingernails for publication continue all weekend. in your magazine, as I’m After the weekend Thor is sure your readers would find back at Mt. Olympus with a big them interesting, but have grin on his face. Zeus asks found it very tricky. It’s hard Thor the great woman's name, Well there are lots of reasons why we haven’t Mr R. The main one being we’re not fucking stupid.
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but Thor admits that he never asked. Horrified at his rudeness, Zeus sends Thor back down to find out the woman's name. Arriving in the same backyard, Thor calls out to the woman, "I wanted to tell you I'm Thor." She yells, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith or thpit!"
Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa. "That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had." They're both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandpa slaps Grandma. "That's for knowing' the difference." “Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love”
One day a teacher went Q: What's the differinto her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson. Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
ence between sin and shame? A: It's a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out.
Q: Why don't midgets wear tampons? A: They trip over the strings. Q: How is Aurora like a Tiger bar? A: They both contain fruits, nuts and flakes.
Q: What do a gay guy and an oven have in common? What do vibrators and soy- A: They both brown your beans have in common? meat. They are both meat substitutes! Q: How do you make a hormone? Q: What do you call a virgin A: Easy -- don't pay on a waterbed? her. A: A cherry float. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It's a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill dough.
Q: What is better than eating a mandarin? A: Eating Amanda out. Q: What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common? A: They both like a tight seal.
Q: What do gay guys call condoms? Two men named A. Mud flaps. Steve and Wayne live together. One very Q: Why's Fred Flintstone a hot day, Steve walked homosexual? into the kitchen and A: He's always having a gay old found Wayne with his time. butt up to the refrigerator. 31
Steve said, " Wayne, what the heck is your butt doing in the refrigerator?" Wayne said: "Because I wanted you to have something cool to slip into."
A guy walks into the bath- the condom? room and sees a very small man taking a leak. The little man looks at him and says "Hi! I'm a leprechaun! And because I like you, I'm going to grant you three wishes." The man thinks for a moment and then says "I'd like a beautiful house." "Granted. When you return home, you will have a gorgeous mansion." "Great! Now I'd like a beautiful woman." "Granted. When you return home, you will find a woman so amazing you will never look at another woman again." "And I would love to have a huge penis." "For that, you'll have to let me screw you in the ass." The man hesitates, but since he wants a huge penis, he consents. As they're going at it, the man says "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me in the ass!" The little man says "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun."
A. Cover me I'm going in.
A chemist in my home town was robbed yesterday, but all that was stolen was a large bottle of Viagra.... now the police are looking for the hardened criminals.
A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, “Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind.” The boy said, “Dad, I'm over here.”
A wife decides that she needs to spice up her and her husband's sex life. So, Q: What do you call a prosti- she goes to the adult nov-
tute with no arms or legs? A: Cash and carry.
elty store and came back with some crotch less panties. She goes home, puts them on How can you tell the differ- and waits for her husband to ence between a snowman and come home. When he does, she lifts up her dress and shows him a snow woman? her new panties, asking, "You Snow balls want some of this?" "Hell no," says the husband, "look what it Why are pubic hairs curly? did to your underwear!" So you don't poke your eye out. One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign for a Q: What did the penis say to "World Records" competition. 32
The first one entered the 'smallest feet' contest and won. The second one entered the 'smallest hands' contest and one. The third entered the 'smallest penis' contest -- and lost. He came away, very dejected. "What happened?" asked his friends. "Who's the fucks George Bush?" he says.
The local Rugby team reached the finals of the amateur cup. The local chemist stocked up on Durex. On the Friday he knew that the locals would be coming in for their AWAY weekend supply. The pharmacist had to
attend a conference in Sheffield on that day. His young female assistant had only been with him for less than a week and decided that he would make thing simple for her. Explaining to her that as always he had put them in “Pack” cost. £2.80p Bottom shelf £3.80p Middle shelf £4.80p Top shelf. He told her that the guys would come in and just say £2.80p or £3.80p or £4.80p and all she had to do was go to the shelf and take payment. Friday came and the girl did a roaring trade with no problems. At 3.30pm a guy walked and
said £11.60p please. The girl looked at him and said “How much” again he said £11.60P. The girl was flustered and did not know what to do. She asked him to wait and went in the back. She rang the pharmacist with the problem. The pharmacist listened and asked he a few questions. Is he a tall guy “Yes” replied the girl Is he dressed in overalls “Yes” replied the girl Is he carrying a bucket “Yes” replied the girl “It’s the Window Cleaner” pay him.
T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, NSW was asked on a local
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live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of Afghan prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, to thunderous applause from the audience. HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up cables to a Taliban prisoner's nuts to a car battery will save just one Australian's life, then I have just three things to say, Red is positive, Black is negative and, Make sure his nuts are wet.' My kind of guy (Ed)
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads 'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.' 'Social Security sex?' 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to WOMEN'S live on!' HUMOROUS SEX LOUD SEX My husband came A wife went in to see a thera- home with a tube of pist and said, 'I've got a big K Y jelly and said, problem, doctor. 'This will make you Every time we're in bed and my happy tonight.' husband climaxes, he lets out He was right. this ear splitting yell. ''My dear,' When he went out the shrink said, 'that's comof the bedroom, pletely natural. squirted it all over I don't see what the problem the doorknobs. is.' He couldn't get back in. 'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!' QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife Cold As 34
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Denia To Get Airport Residents of Denia, and its outlying towns and villages, couldn’t hide their excitement as rumours spread of the possibility of a new airport being developed locally. For too long now, anyone requiring the use of an airport, to or from this outpost of the Costa Blanca, have had to make a time/money consuming trip to either Valencia or Alicante. Now those days seem to be drawing to an end, following a dramatic announcement from soon-to-be Brit ex-pat, Mike Bigicecream. Mr.Bigicecream (50 on January 22nd) plans to settle in the Denia area next month, and despite a shocking lack of any building or development experience, is adamant that the ambitious project can be completed in record time; possibly as soon as June. In an interview by phone two weeks ago, to his home in The Midlands, all was made abundantly clear.
be? However, the signposting from the airport was all in Spanish, so we inevitably ended up heading for the city centre instead of the motorway. We drove around for about 9 hours before fortuitously finding our way out.
“My twin brother, John (also 50 on January 22nd), has been living in Denia for 8 years now, and I’ve always been meaning to visit him. I managed to get a couple of weeks free last May, so arranged to stay with him, accompanied by my wife and two kids. After realising that Denia was some 120 kilometres away from Valencia airport, I took the decision to hire a car. I’m a driver by profession, so how difficult could it possibly
He added, “By then, my young son Callum was perilously close to falling into a coma due to a severe lack of chips, my teenage daughter Kirsty had used up more than £1600 in credit texting her mates back in England, and my wife Linda had drunk all the duty-free. Even when we managed to find the motorway, I followed the sign that said `Alicante via interior´, thinking this must be the scenic route. How wrong I
Puts the fun back into flying eh!
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was. We ended-up driving inland to Christ knows where. It was three days before we eventually arrived in Denia, and Linda was already going through the process of filing for divorce.” Despite his nightmarish introduction to the Costa Blanca, Mike fell in love with Denia; besotted by its climate, cheap Chinese Bazaars, and its vast array of bars. It wasn’t till he got chatting with his brother that a germ of an idea began to spring forth from his fertile imagination. “John’s done some building work in Spain, therefore has some knowledge of construction materials. He also possesses a
wide selection of tools and equipment; including a funny looking trowel, big plastic buckets, and a wheelbarrow. With his know-how, and my entrepreneurial skills, I plan to move to Denia and make sure that nobody else has to suffer what I did in just trying to get there.” He continued, “What I like about Denia are its beaches, the warm sea, and the palm trees; something that is in very short supply in Cannock. However, that Montgo mountain is a bloody eyesore and serves no possible use. John reckons it also blocks the sun during winter. We plan to skim the top off of it, reducing its height by half, thus creating a plateau like structure. That shouldn’t take too long, and any waste material can be used to create a tollroad to Ibiza. Then it’s just a case of tarmacing the top for a runway, add some ski lifts to transport passengers to the top, a chute for those coming down, then hey presto, you have an airport and fun-park in one! Genius, eh?” However, since the interview, his plans have been put on the back burner. After speaking to his wife yesterday, it seems Mr Bigicecream has been stricken with a sudden bout of lethargy, and now has trouble getting his arse off the sofa.
(Memo) INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended each
January 2009: Royturds News Agency.
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replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!" “After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.”
This bloke thought he had the best Tattoo until he ended up in prison!!! 38
Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked. She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and shouted, “FUCKING BIG NOSE!"
Blonde's Year in Review January- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Hellloooo!!!......bottles won't fit in the printer!!! March- Got really excited.... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!" April- Trapped on escalator for hours ... the power went out!!! May- Tried to make KoolAid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June- Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms and hands!!! August- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September- The capital of California is "C"......isn't it??? ! October- Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December- Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
Don’t call Paul on 690 345 135 39
GIRLS LOOKING FOR BOYS IN SPAIN TEXT: RYFD55555
Place Your Personal Advert in The Smuggler. Ring Our Hot Line 646 472 039 40
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This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first: If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet . .. its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ...you're gay. If you like a woman to shave
After going through a virus attack, her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexlosing a hard drive, fighting off hackers, ist. upgrading all my software, installing If you don't ... you're fire-walls, being threatened with being unromantic. cut-off by my email provider, and a host If you try to keep of other problems‌ yourself in shape .. I have fixed my computer. you're vain. And NOW it works exactly the way If you don't ... you're I want it to! a slob. If you buy her flowers .. you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache .. you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be seats but all three women cram someone else. into a toilet together and close Why do men die first ? Because they fucking want to! the door. Shortly after the train has deThree women and three parted, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. men are travelling by train He knocks on the toilet door to the football game. and says, 'Ticket, please. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as The door opens just a crack, the three women buy just one and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. ticket. The conductor takes it and 'How are the three of you moves on. going to travel on only one The men see this happen and ticket?' asks one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they of the women. decide to do the same thing on They all board the train. the three men take their respective the return trip and save some 42
money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women Don't buy any ticket at all!! 'how are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man. ‘watch and learn,' answer the women. When they board the train, the three men cram themselves Into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, 'ticket, please.' I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.
long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!! Then POOF! . . she was gone! After Bob recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you? Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED!! FOR FUCK SAKE DON'T SWING!!!
Three friends from
the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends Towards the end a and congregation members day at the golf course, Bob are mourning over you, what would you like them hit his ball into the woods and found to say?' it in a patch of pretty yel- Charlie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonlow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back derful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great in play, he ended up family man.' thrashing just about every buttercup Ernie commented: 'I would like them to say I was a in the patch. All of a sudden . . .POOF!! wonderful teacher and servant of God who made In a flash and puff of a huge difference in peosmoke, a little old woman appeared. ple's lives.' Albert said: 'I'd like them She said, 'I'm Mother Nato say, 'Look, he's moving!' ture! Do you know how 43
Smithy climbs to the tain she's poisoning me, top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million pounds mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.' 'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 'The Lord replies, 'Yeh In a minute.'
what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
There was this
man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. A man goes to see The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, time?" The man says, "I something terrible is happening and I have found out that my son to talk to you about it.' is gay." The next day the same The Rabbi asked, man comes in the bar 'What's wrong?' and orders 15 shots of The man replied, 'My whiskey. Then the barwife is poisoning me.' tender asks, "Doesn't The Rabbi, very suranyone in your family prised by this, asks, like women?" 'How can that be?' The man looks up and The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm cer- says, "Apparently my wife does." 44
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can´t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named ´Ahmal.´ The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ´Juan.´ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, its good) ... a supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
And finally, there was the
her ass in his face. The blind person who sent twenty differ- man says, "Oh, your trying to fool me! But I know exactly ent puns to his friends, with what kind of wood that is. It’s the hope that at least ten of the shit house door off a tuna the puns would make them boat!" laugh. No pun in ten did.
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” Says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He got his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts 45
I'm never going back to England again. The laws there are getting ridiculous. I was recently in London, and needed to catch the tube to Heathrow. At the top of the escalators, there was a sign that read: ‘Dogs must be carried on the escalator’. I couldn't find one anywhere.
World Of Warcraft Reveal New Character!
‘Sad Lonely Bastard’
Smuggler Puzzle Page Easy
Solutions Page 63 Your chance to see Pussy Galore, FOR FREE! Those nice people at NGuage are starting a DVD rental service. In order to celebrate we are offering ALL Smuggler readers the chance to get their first DVD free by answering this question from the James Bond film, Goldfinger. Fill in the missing word from this quote from Pussy Galore: "You like a close....., don't you?"
Hard
Choose a word: call, shave or look. When you go to rent your first DVD, just tell the person serving you what you think the answer is. If you are correct, your rental will be free. GOOD LUCK! NGuage can be found in Javea Port, just up from the Dolphin Roundabout. They also stock books, papers and a whole host of other goods and services. See their advert Inside the back Cover. 46
I called that Rape
see the doctor today?' 'There's something Advice Line earlier towrong with my dick,' he day. Unfortunately, it's only replied. The receptionist befor victims. came irritated and said, This guy walks into a 'You shouldn't come into a crowded bar and asks the barwaiting room and say tender to get him a things like that.' beer. 'Why not? You asked The bartender asks, me what was wrong and "which one?" The guy says "any one, I told you,' he said. The receptionist replied, as long as its not Car'Now you've caused ling." some The bartender then embarrassment in this asks, "What's wrong room full of people. You with Carling?" should have So the guy says, said there is something "Nothing, its just the last time I drank Carling wrong with your ear or something and I went home and blew discussed the problem chunks!" further with the doctor So the bartender says, in private.' "That's what happens The man replied, 'You when you have too shouldn't ask people much beer" questions in a So the guy says, "No, room full of strangers, if you don't understand. the answer could emMy dog's name is barrass anyone.' Chunks." The man walked out, waited several minutes There's nothing worse than a reception- and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled ist who insists you tell her what is wrong with smugly and asked, 'Yes?' ' There's something you in a room full of other patients. Many of wrong with my ear,' he stated. us have experienced this, and I love the way The receptionist nodded approvingly and this old guy handled it. smiled, knowing he An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with waiting room and approached the desk. The your ear, sir?' receptionist said, 'Hello, I can't piss out of it,' he sir. Can you please tell replied. me why you're here to 47
Where All The Big Knobs Hang Out Regulars at Digby’s Bar in Javea threw off their inhibitions (not to mention their clothes) for a photo shoot last month. Twelve brave men ignored the chill (and the childish laughter) to pose nude for a calendar being produced by Alan and Jan of Digby’s. The idea is that all proceeds from sales will be split between The Cancer Care & Advice Centre and The Franciscan Hospice. So far sales are going well with the first print run almost immediately selling out, but rest assured calendars will be available at the bar early in the New Year. We at The Smuggler are proud to advertise this worthy venture! Well, we didn’t have any choice really. Alan has some compromising photos of one of The Smuggler team members (taken while he was changing), which if released to the general public could cause widespread alarm and general mickey taking. Cost is just €5, which is a snip for something that will raise a smile for a whole year, and help two very worthy causes. Phone 965 797 827 for further details.
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Merry Xmas Story. As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at WalMart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an Xrated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the
plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang 50
on!' My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas
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True Story - Australian
Smith from CNN. What's your name? Police have been totally unable 'Morris Fishbien,' he replied. to recommend a prosecution 'Sir, how long have you been for the following scam: coming to the Western Wall A company takes out a newsand praying?' paper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported A female CNN journalist 'For about 60 years.' '60 years! That's amazing! hard core pornographic videos. heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the What do you pray for?' As their prices seem reasonWestern Wall to pray, twice a 'I pray for peace between the able, people place orders and day, every day, for a long, long Christians, Jews and the Musmake payments via cheque to lims.' time. ASFP. 'I pray for all the wars and all After several weeks, the com- So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall the hatred to stop. ' pany writes back explaining 'I pray for all our children to that under the present law they and there he was, walking grow up safely as responsible are unable to supply the mate- slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after adults, and to love their fellow rials and do not wish to be man.' about 45 minutes, when he prosecuted. 'How do you feel after doing So they return their customers turned to leave, using a cane this for 60 year? and moving very slowly, she money in the form of a com'Like I'm talking to a fuckin ' approached him for an interpany cheque, using the full wall.' company name. However, due view. 'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name?................. The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.
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One Christmas Eve. A mother went into her daughters room to wish her a Merry Christmas. She was shocked to see her daughter sitting on her bed stark naked with a plate of cookies between her legs. Her mother asked her what in the world she was doing? The daughter said Mom don't laugh but last year I had this dream that Santa Claus made love to me. When I woke up there was a note on the pillow from Santa that said I was great So I thought I'd try it again this year. The mother walked out of the daughters room laughing As she walked to her room she thought about her daughters idea, her husband had died several years earlier and she thought what the heck. So she did the same thing. Christmas morning came and the daughter ran into her mothers room with a note in her hand shouting Mom, Mom, it happened again and it was... She suddenly stopped and looked at her mother's room It was in shambles. The bed was broken, the dresser turned over and her mother had bruises on her body and a black eye. Mom what happened to you she asked? The mother handed her the note she had in her hand It read you were great love, Donner, Dasher, Prancer, Comet, Cupid‌‌.
Cricket Explained. There are two sides, one out in the field the other one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, ex53
cept that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-ee-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.' 'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'
Just the way. 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their backside to search the entire room for the T.V. remote control because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their backsides! 5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid eight quid to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8 When people say "life is short". What the..??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the
bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dimwit?
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End' So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
So I went in to a pet shop. I I phoned the local ramblers said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an club today, and this bloke just aquarium?" I said, "I don't care went on and on what star sign it is." My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary I was in this restaurant and work?? I asked for something herby. I said "I wouldn't do it if you They gave me a Volkswagen paid me." with no driver. My mate is in love with two So I was in the jungle and schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said 54
there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the
True or False True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. 4. Vagina is a medical term used True or False 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in to describe a geometry. Heart Attack. True or False True or False 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet 5. A menstrual pickle. cycle has three True or False wheels. True or False 6. A G-string is part of 1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
custard."
a fiddle. True or False This policeman came up 7. Semen is a term to me with a pencil and a piece for sailors. of very thin paper. True or False He said, "I want you to trace 8. Anus is a Latin someone for me." term for yearly. True or False So this lorry full of tortoises 9. Testicles are collided with a van full of terra- found on an Octopus. pins. True or False It was a turtle disaster. 10. Asphalt deSo I told my girlfriend I had scribes rectal problems. a job in a bowling alley. True or False She said "Tenpin?" 11. TAMPAX is a I said, "No, it's a permanent radio station in Cinjob." cinnati. So I told my mum that I'd True or False opened a theatre. 12. Masturbate is She said, "Are you having me used to catch large on?" fish. I said, "Well I'll give you an True or False audition, but I'm not promising 13. Coitus is a musiyou anything." cal instrument. 55
dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in... Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandThis was originally shown on isters were right bugly astards. some hince a knack in the kickBBC TV back in the seventies. One was called Mary Hinge, ers. This was not difficult as he Ronnie Barker could say all this and the other was called Betty had bucking fuge halls and a hig without a snigger (though Swallocks; they were really bard on. heaven knows how many forrible huckers; they had fetty He tried the slass glipper on takes). sweet and fatty swannies. Rindercella and it fitted pucking Irony is that they received not The sugly isters had tickets to ferfectly. Rindercella and the one complaint. The speed of go to the ball, but the cotton prandsome hince were mardelivery must have been too runts would not let Rindercella ried. much for the whining herds !! go. The pransome hince lived his Try getting through it without Suddenly there was a bucking life in lucking fuxury, and converting the spoonerisms fang, and her gairy fodmother Rindercella lived hers with a [and not wetting your pants] as appeared. Her name was follen swanny! you read ‌ Shairy Hithole and she was a (Who needs Ross & Bland. Ed) light rucking fesbian. This is the story of She turned a pumpkin and six More of Ronnie’s Jokes Rindercella and her mite wice into a hucking cuge sugly isters. farriage with six dandy ronkeys Ronnie Corbett: Do you Rindercella and her sugly isters who had buge hollocks and dig think marriage is a lottery? Ronnie Barker: No. With a lived in a marge lansion. bicks. lottery you do have a slight Rindercella worked very hard The gairy fodmother told chance. frubbing sloors, emptying poss Rindercella to be back by pits, and shivelling shot. dimnlight otherwise, there 'A strange thing happened At the end of the day, she was would be a cucking falamity. during a performance of Elgar's knucking fackered. The sugly At the ball, Rindercella was 56
Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight. The man playing the triangle disappeared.' 'The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.' 'The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.' 'Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said, 'That's a long time ago. 'I don't know, 'the general replied.' It's only 20.27 now.' 'The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.' 'Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.' 'We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left.' 'In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.' 'Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at
Buckingham Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge.'
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I happy. She was great fun ini-
would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as 57
tially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
The Smuggler’s Guide to Speaking Essex Planning a trip into deepest darkest Essex? Or do you just want a better understanding of what that tart in the bar is jabbering about? Well, here is The Smuggler’s invaluable guide to speaking Essex. alma chizzit – A request to find the cost of an item.
the motah needs to go in the garrij cos it ain’t working proper.”)
Roy Keane Goes West.
Ibeefa – A Balearic island, renowned as a holiday destination. Lafarjik – Lacking in energy (“I feel all lafarjik”)
OI OI – Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of public houses or during ‘banging’ dance tunes zaggerate – To suggest that something is bigger or better assband – Unable to leave the at clubs. than it actually is (“I told ya a house due to an illness, disabilfazzand time already!”) paipa – The Sun, The Mirror ity etc. or The Sport. Two rabbits managed to awss – A four-legged animal, Reband – The period of reescape from the Research on which money is won, or covery and emotional turmoil Laboratory. They made it to more likely lost (That awss ya after rejection by a lover (“I the vegetable farm next door. tipped cost me a fiver t’day) couldn’t help suckin im off, I After gorging themselves silly branna – More brown than on was on tha reband, weren’t I”) they noticed that the farmer also kept rabbits – and there a previous occasion (Ere, Saffend – Essex coastal resort were a lot of female rabbits! Trace, ya look branna today, After shagging themselves silly ave you been on the sunbed?) boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place they were both leaning back where the characters from the chewing a bit of straw. After a cort a panda – A rather large popular BBC TV soap, Easwhile the first rabbit turns to hamburger. tEnders, go on holiday. the other and says, “This is the life, eh? All the food and sex dan in the maff – Unhappy Tan – The city of London, the we want.” (Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a big smoke. The second replied, “Well, it’s bit dan in the maff) not bad. But I’m gonna get webbats – Querying the loca- going back to the research lab eye-eels – Women’s shoes. tion of someone or something. now.” (“Webbats is me dole card, “Are you mad?” gasped the Furrock – The location of Trace? I’ve gotta sign on in an first rabbit. “Why, in the name Lakeside Shopping Centre. hour.”) sanity, would you want to give all this up and go back to the garrij – A building where a car wonnid – 1. Desired, needed. laboratory?” is kept or repaired (Trace 2. Wanted by the police. “I want a fag!” he replied. might say; “Oi, Darren, I fink amant – Quantity; sum total (There’s a yuge amant of mud in Saffend)
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A man walks into a bar
mere £500,000!""Don't worry about it." the man and asks the bartender, "If I answered. "The frog was show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" really nothing special. You The bartender considers it, and see, the rat's a ventriloquist." then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring tiny rat. He reaches into his for some time at the only other pocket and pulls out a woman seated at the bar, tiny piano. The rat stretches, walked over to her and cracks his knuckles, and prokissed her. She jumped up ceeds to play the blues. After and slapped him silly. He the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the thought you were my exrest of the evening?" The bar- wife. You look exactly like tender agrees, thinking that no her." "Why you worthless, insuftrick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches ferable, wretched, no good into his pocket and pulls out a drunk!" she screamed. "Fuck," he muttered, "you tiny rat. He reaches into his even sound exactly like her." other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proA circus owner walked ceeds to play the blues. The into a bar to see everyone man reaches into another crowded about a table pocket and pulls out a small watching a little show. On bullfrog, which begins to sing the table was an upside along with the rat's music. down pot and a duck tap While the man is enjoying his dancing on it. The circus free drinks, a stranger conowner was so impressed that fronts him and offers him he offered to buy the duck £100,000 for the bullfrog. from its owner. After some "Sorry," the man replies, "he's negotiations, they settled on not for sale." The stranger ina figure of $10,000 for the creases the offer to £250,000 duck and the pot. Three days cash up front. "No," he insists, later the circus owner runs "he's not for sale." The stranger back to the bar in anger, again increases the offer, this "Your duck is a rip off! I put time to £500,000 cash. The him on the pot before a man finally agrees, and turns whole audience, and he didthe frog over to the stranger in n't dance a single step!" "So?" exchange for the money. "Are asked the ducks former you insane?" the bartender owner, "did you remember demanded. "That frog could to light the candle under the have been worth millions to pot?" you, and you let him go for a 60
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