Spy Magazine March 1989 by Josh Gillette

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ThE COVER

Ch.y Chas. photograph.d by aonni. 5-chiffrnan.

Navy wool iut: GIor9io

Arnioni. Cotton *hrt Bom. N.w Yori. Poly.st.r ti.: Lithø Rickia, Grooming: Kimi M.ssno. Stylists: Borbora Tfaiik in

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-- .:

1:11

-I-5

GREAT EXPECTATIONS ........ NAKED

Cm'

Where Hollywoodstar.cgo top/ay with giazi.

Mayor Koch 'spersonaldominatrix. A dork is a noodle is a macaroni - py 'sgroiind-breakingforeign-fangiiage experiment. Plus. hou; Binky Urban managei to stay friend5 with everyone .............. THE SPY MAP

Abandoned poisons? Misplaced infectious waste? Radioactive goo? that Where else but in New York? SYDNEY SCHUSTER tours the cit LFSSNIK ................ never fweep5. Illustrated by NATASHA PARTY Poor ...........

NEW, IMPROVED NEW YORK

Pneumotube to work. It 'ifaster than the subway, cooler than the subway HOWARD CHA YKIN ........ and tu;ice as scay as the subway. Illustrated by

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GUWBLE AND HYPOCHONDRIACAL BRING Us YOUR TIRED, YOUR SICKLY, YOUR

RICH ...

York society. Their diagnoses refer to Their u;a:ting rooms are filled with the veil-heeled gulls of New ills that only money can cure. vitamin deficiencies and other supposed mysterious hidden allergies, CONLIN gives a second opinion on Dr. back. JENNIFER Their patients, for sonze reason, keep coming trendiest nutritionists. Also: EussA Stuart Berger and Dr. Robert Gil/er, Neu; York 's tu;o screwiest,

SCHAPPELL and RACHEL URQUHARTgO undercoverfor diagnosis PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE ART

cubism). Some u;orks ofart remind z Some people remind us ofart (Sammy DavisJr. Dianne Brui,). We're not saying it 's a conspiracy. We 're not ofpeople (Henry Moore 's sculpture or historically relevant. We 're just saying it 's coincidence. We 're not even saying it 's aesthetically saying it 's true. And zve have the pictures to prove it ......................

SQUIRM-O-RAMA: JAMES TOBACK'S GUIDE TO, UH, CASTING ACTRESSES

the hustlingest auteur in Hollywood. Warning: This article is how to score with Real-l:fe pickup linei and movie-casting techniqueifrom the easily offended or misguided guys who think they Ilpick up sorne pointers on notfor thefainthearted, chicks. VINCENZA DEMnz

talki with a bakers dozen of Toback 's picks ...... ISN'T IT IRONIC?

and "the little woman "Iove"Joe Franklin and really gaudy Hawaiian shirts? You say you air quotes with good l:fe7 Can 't get through a conversation without making little arejizst lookingfor the quote-unquote look PAUL RUDNIcK and KURT ANDERSEN take a straight-faced your fingers? Blame it on the irony Epidemic. LYNN .............. at the age ofihe perpetual izizirk. Photographs byJ.ivNY So yOU

::i LJI%4

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in Review of Reviewers; an overload ofstar power Street pooh-poohing the bank-

IGNATZ R&zrx'JzKiwzi rides the cloiheshorses The shorts out CELIA BRADY in The Industry: JAzs GRANTfind5

MA&x and DOUGLAS Résumés from New Haven; PATRIcIA ruptcy boom: M. SLOBODK!N updates and ELLiS WEINER on How to Be a Grown-up

MCGRATH tiptoe into the Publishing world;

with a broken car .....................................

x-..

OUR UN-BRmSH CROSSWORD Puzzu

By ROY BLOUNTJR

........

2. Submions: Sad 295 Lafayette Street, New Yock, N.Y. 100 S«onddass postage paid at Nw York, N.Y., and monthly by Spy Publishing Partners, The Puck Budding, 1989 by Spy Pubbshing Partn, LP. with SASE w same ad&cs& For advertising sales, cal! 2 I 2-92555O9. foreign, US$40. Fbrmaster: Please send address changes co $21.77; Canada, US$30; Membec Audit Burcau of Circulations. addirional mailing of&cs. Annual subsrìption races: U.S. and possessions, L8OO423.l78O. subscripion infoma6on, call: 32035-9139. Foc SPY, P.O. Box 359139. Palm Coast, FL spy (ISSN 08<)0- I 759) is pubtished

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PARLIAMENT

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TIME MARCHES ON. AND SO HAM FISH THE ELDEST, EX-CONGRESSMAN AND RIGHT-WING NUT, HAS

finally mellowed toward FDR. I really don't believe in hate, Fish announced as he turned loo and Franklin Roosevelt's corpse turned

-i

107. "So now I don't hate Rooseveltbut frankly, I despise him. Precisely our feelings these days toward Donald Trump: we don't

hate him, we

him. It sounds more sophisticated, and

despise

anyway, we're not obsessed with Trump the way we used to be.

We've grown; we've learned. In fact, we are never going to mention him ever again. ' Instead, let's discuss . . oh, how about Ed Koch? My image of myself is as a reserved, retiring, even shy person," he announced to the press just before New Year's, as if by saying he isn't a tiresome loudmouth he will cease .

.I.

to be one. Koch has had a fabulous winterproposing that Ihomeless people pay rent for their space in city shelters; having his affirmative-action program revealed as a patronage scheme; and inspiring every New Yorker over 40 who owns a decent suit to consider running against him in this year's mayoral election. . ' Whoever does run may benefit from the anti-Koch advertising being planned by . . . by . by a wellknown billionaire memoirist and skating-rink restorer. The bi!lionaire memoirist-restorer says he may spend $2 million on his negative campaign against Koch; those who know the billionaire memoirist-restorer expect him to endorse his guy

:11

Andy Stein for mayor. Koch vs. Stein, Stein vs. Koch

-u 4.'.

. no lesser of

ne marches on two evils. As the president of the Utah State Retirement Fund said (explaining his investment in hostile, insanely leveraged corporate takeovers), "Things are never quite black or white anymore. At virtually the same spot where Ronald Reagan is now spending his days pretending to work (eerie coincidencesthat's our theme for the 1990s), poJk

lice arrested a man with queer, demonological political ideas who did not serve two terms in the White

House. Nathan Trupp was apprehended, just down the street from Universal Studios, after he shot and killed tWo Universal security guards. He had not really intended to kill the guards. "I was seeking out [Highway to Heaven star and creator) Michael LanMARCH 1989 SPY I

dcn. proscutos qtotvd him as saying.

a.s aLtcmp(u1$ to kill EH:ghuay t Haiti's

star ¡md rcarir MishcI Landon Trupp thought L4Íkk)c was ¡1 NUI He evikntiy (k*Sflt untkrtnd rhar shings arc rwvrr blick whitc anymurc. Spcak;n

In ohe post-seventies pharmaceutical news. Ontho. the Pill manufacturer, has awarded its 'sctond annual Twenty-First

Bukky Jr. , among other swells, is on thc board). would surçl nest-n dream of denying (hilolrL-n the ri1hr to wear nr things Vaegcrs rocnt Creo Sooety kncft (on tht

Century Woman Award. Among tht judges were Retty Friedari and Bella Abuug. The wmnhier of the S 10.000 award.

UN tntetnationiil Chiidrens Fmvrgcixy Fund raised $Sl(l.lX)O. and although a

ut rih. smarmy. guoti-Iouking

I .0(10 canoIidatc. was a Che-r-

mil-c- S7-t.000 attuallv -ent to) the tihanity

(ntis whnrn i>chr pupk thisk ¿rc Nuis. 4Imosrprcsident Dan Quityk (whose íathcr md in-Iaw du. rn f,iii. tibrib tu cr)pto-Nazt puhlkations) remains a natiunal pkaur. As part 1 an ad ho mau-

t>kCV Indian named Wilma Mankmlkr

Yargtr was mffetl at trie publio cnitc,sm ht- endured. It wnild lw- a shame ho said. i1 our materialistic soucty robbed even harity of all it imnplws by an unnek-nnng fxtas on the honoin liric.

ekbranon. Swedish consul gencral Ar Thoren a dmpomat. mind you - t1lt-cI Quiiylc an mnuIt to the rest

bc a

gtmatmom

hosen trum

chf Mankslltr. as the Ahaug-Friedan pnzcwmnnv is allcd ufficialI). Onu again. It

entirel) their koision

but (or Gods

sake. the se v enties resival was supposed to

Nancy Reagan. now liberated is being

11e- First

o)Ifl(fl5

Bank, a rccc ot

((any k-inimiist residue- Irum tw days when

Just wait a tiarn wond

eserything was hl.nk ut white (and that

thcre. Arne. he may he an alarmingly ulm-

has survived literally in uit- shadow ut ut . oI Short- Imngero-d Vu Igarian I()wVr). is hanging its name after I scars of existente to th First New Yikk Flank (or Business Crawen. Itç-mn-chc-gtnv

çmt

the V.OtI(I

qualmfwd Iavahou. but by God. hes our alarmingly unqualihed layabouc. was not as areíuI as I should ha'e Ix-cn, the consul general said later. ÍcgnIng an apoIog. Things really an- never blik or whmn¡mmore espvuatly not black: Jcssc Ja&k 1

son. among others. has deiided chat hcncc-

(orth haek pvti'Ie should be called Mn-

an-Amvricans. hs their d«ision. certainly. hut we never thought lmflyI-KxIy wouki takv this scvcnt,vs rcvwal mImmnt so wrzoush (Memo toJetse matter what anyl)()dy else tells you. cake mt Irum u lid) oli o/ie djshths,)

It was during the ñrsi nostalgia craze in thy seventies, that the death penalty made

few after-dinner platitudes. Nancy go cxured. Trnry-hs-e she purred sounds good. ÌÏWfl Nancy was told that

1jt

oliver North. tut- To-lion okfrndanr and

national hero. gets $25.000 for his specehes. Hc dues' the former first lads tq)llrtl, ttit dollar signs st-rs nearly visible iii twt eyes Icts make that IO flor mne).

7øP

Id Mers. her husbands 1oya1 and

)o"

beloved

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former pet. gels only 112,5(X)

'er spte h But tut- Ammiitan people the lirtk people. tht- regular lolk. the imtittms who untk-rssanj lIlaO wlmi it 01)111(5 tO) '.()fl(litt UI intero-sr and influence-peddling.

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atrrr quilt W.nk oc

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they re tr.uy about I-d Met-se. I can

hardly go through an ainport, he says. sothout people omning up to me and

omehack. Hut what at first seemned nsaIIv tomnpht&ted and ugly has now Its

turned ph)JzcaII3 eompIm(a(ed and za's. Texas -ai two minutes into exemuting. by means o( lethal mnet,on. its last pers(rn tor

canolid about her own unrelenting focus on rk botom line. ')X'ben a re-portes cold her that she could get S.?'i.(X)(l for drluverrng a

thanking rTx. times a wet-k

lt mug happen a dozen

Of course it does; H. Fu.

:/ssthihankj a loi! Wc can hardly go through an air-

reIa,on to Tom). when thy cube fevdrnj

No merely the sont øf presto-thango flexibility that makes the American service sector so

the puee into hu arm sprang a leak. squirt-

dynamic.

whit 'mas at Christmas a pkasantly shabby

ing lethal drug toward thc sIetatos. Landry gro.omwd death was dde'sI. And it

The presmdenr of the First Womens Bank. a woman narne-d Neak Godfrey, itimped ship early - 'shr had some of ht-r

air chunk sers-mec is nn

own Zeirgeist-pandering w attend to.

Plais Isorel by building a limousine disparher s kiosk) Thr iisset. the bkind buI-

19S8. a man named Ra!,-mond Landnv (no

was allh:ifaa/:

Landry was very musen-

lar and had I\ipcyc-type arms. a spokesman hw Olio Tex attorney general said. Whcn thc stuff was towing. mt wouldnt go) into the veins Et-rie mnidenoes. nothing s black on whoc. th ugly turns zany. a kinder arid

gentler Anxiïca: LA s unkic-tilkd ikeslung Suarc was reently the site oC an ad ho WCl(OflCthe N mt-tics katival. Rleshnun a person wearing a red ape

pandering tu the Zemtgeis

Godfrey has started the Children's Financoal Network. a tranhiscd service ro (Sift-f checking accounts. nantial-planning information and hnance-unienrvd toys to children as young as five. And in che nick

oftime. tx thy anti-iangibk-asc-t othuals who run Iljltimnun-s public schools havc lust imposed a new oint-sa code that prohib-

JIQ((fl011

Natuonul

it its I.a Guardia or Logan ut without being re-tflukk-d that

run by .. by . by a pnlminrnr blondish couple (a couple ssiso. h the way. are going to upgrade The

lionaire said of the shuttic when basteen snil owned it. ms being totally destructeol. Alas,

things arr never so black ut white anymore. the asset .

asnt destructed. and the

the

the philanthropist-aviator was permit-

ted by a court ro bus- the airline after all . But

Its kids from wearing gold ccIry or furs

(lit-re was omni- heartening prosct as spnng ai. uisltiOn season approa hvtl Somcwht-rc

and lcotrd and a glanr. smiling Clorox lus over his head showed up to cncoun-age

in school.

olown the lmne. th

Marshall Vegt-í. a soap opera writer

Tmr cosvr boy-yathtsmnan-tonspucuous

hroiri addits to dip their syringes in

and social dirnber who eum(xted a piulan-

USUSUmer predicreol. i'm nor going ro hase

hitach as an anti-AIDS pneeaucion.

thn py aIkd the ( .rtii S.xicty (William F.

anything to)

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bUy.

Queens-horn builder

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Prom the spy mailroom: Theres something we'd like to nip in the bud. Two readers from Loi Angeles have sent us their wedding announcement. We appreciate the update on "the changes in two of your subscriben lives," and we offer our congratula tions. But let the rec-

;

ord show that the

t..

couple did not meet .

in this column or

anywhere else ri Sn And we feel that publishing their names

would set a very bad precedent In no time readen would be asking us to send

messages to other readers about how they enjoy moonlight and lobster and Mozart diveitimenti but not fotties and to please enclose a photo. John Szekely of Upland, California, has ordered a spy T-shirt (large) and has

written on the bottom of his order form,

"Who is the highest-ranking civil servont to send you hate mail? That's an easy one: Senator Alan K. Simpson, in last November's Letters section. Now do we win a John Siekely T-shirt?

Bill Pfriender of Spring Lake, New Jeney, has sent us a poem about sty. Thanks, Bill. The thing is, on the envelope you directed the poem to 'Letters' but inside you indicated it wos a submission, so we dont know whether to make fun of it here, in this column, or in the unsolicited-manuscript column that

follows. (Were not being cruelit's sn policy to make tun of even good poetry, since we don't publish any poetry at all, And we can't run it as o letter because

of the "submitted by" part that doesn't really make it a letter to the editor,now, does it? Procedurally, systemwise and administratively speaking, you've got us stymied.) The November issue arrived with a bonus for Laura E. Pinto of Windsor, Ontario: "at least one thousand selfadhesive address labels bearing the name 'Catherine Mackay.'" She asks whether these labels were included in

the plastic wrapper intentionally. Of count. Don't be alarmed, it's just a subscription giveaway some people got wv sunglasses, you got a thousand adhesive Catherine Mackay labels. Actually, Bill, we like the poem. Carde Johnson of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, spent October 28, 1988, writing ยก6 SPY MARCH 1989

DEAR EDITORS

ley: a comparison; (2) suggestions for "Separated at Birth?"; (3) "You really mustn't knock Bono"; (4) partial retraction of third letter. Slow day in

powers of perception CLogrol!ing in Our Timefl), remember that Ambrose Bierce noted in 1883 in Wasp, Our magazines are the advertising circu-

ยกars of

the book-publishers who own them. Their function is to puff the

Tu sca lo osa

Really, Bill, we do. Especially the "classy as it gets/sassy as it gets" partthat's us. Alex Winter of Lewiston, Maine,

books which first appeared as serials in their pages. In their pages their writers puff' one another. In the Atlantic, for example, T. B. Aldrich (a nerveless, colorless jelly-Fish of literature) will have a ofW. D, Howells. long laudatory A few months later W. D. Howells will have a long laudatory review of Henry

caught the Firesign Theatre allusion in

November's Letters section (the bit about Ignatz Raztwixkiwzki pronouncin9 his name "danger") and thanks us for it. "Where in hell ore those guys?" he asks. Jack Montgomery of Mandarin, Florido, probably doesn't know. He writes to say that the correct pronunciation is " Ratzky-watzky, " and identifies

Ignoti as "the never-seen serviceman

who impregnated Betty HuttonOUT

J ames, Jr. Later, Henry James, Jr. will come to the fore with a long laudatory review of T. B. Aldrich, and the circle is complete. Three dwarfs have cowered above the heads of their fellow men by standing on one another's shoulders in ,

edy of the 1940s, The Miracle of Mor-

San Franc:s'o, California

gon's Creek."

But you see, Bill, there's really nothยกng we can do about it, and it's probably just going to fall through the cracks.

Charlotte De Jager, writing in the third person from Fairfield, Ohio, "de-

was sitting at home, watching daytime TV, and on comes Super Password. And out DEAR EDITORS

nies mayhem in her seemingly innocent

come the two celebrity contestants: Marcia

letter" of last year, which was written

Wallace, the

on misleading pink-and-blue stationery and was dealt with here in September. This time the gloves are off: menacing lined yellow notepaper.

A couple of follow-ups on s' stories: First, despite the defeat of the five-

foot-eight-inch presidential candidate last fall, our thesis that short men are taking over (June 1987 cover story) con-

tinues to gather evidence, as teensy, self-employed Henry Kravis and Shearson's teensy Peter Cohen (who is "self-

from the old Bob

G. Gordon Liddy! Neuhart Show, and . Of course, Liddv did a fine job, winning a .

her does not fit your annoying" list [The October). Her total honesty and

DEAR EDITORS

Spy ioo, personality make her desirable to hear

about and follow. Very few people find her It was so depressing to see annoying. .

you do not like Cher.

do like your

magazine! Tom Mills Cambridge, Massachusetts And we do like you Tom.' Look. let's not let C&er come between iii.

ope, it's irving Howe vs. Philip Roth [The Feuding System, November). Now, please fix this major boner in a subsequent issue or I'm going to be mad at you and may stop submitting good Separated at Birth? suggestions, such as Johnny Carson and Tommy Smothers, just DEAR EDIrORS

for instance. Fred Ruhm Oakland, New Jersey

turn. R. uifichae/ Lieberman

OF WEDLOCK!!in that madcap com-

DEAR EDITORS

e enjoyed your spoof of Bare Bones: Conversations on Terror with Stephen King FSo

What's Wrong With Being Mu!by Martin Kihn, November). But finding contradictions in Mr. King's interviews over an eight-year period must

tifaceted?,

tb :i.:i-i -4

round or two by using the word strap as a

have been a little like shooting a sitting

clue for jock and guessing prison as the

duck. Over time everyone's tastes and opin-

answer to the clues hard and going. I'm hoping the old Watergate gang will

ions change, and that includes writers, editors, politicians and possibly even

take on the Iran-contra bunch on Family Feud. The Gaters would kick butt, don't

magazines.

YOU agree?

non. W'did.

In any case, Steve didn't edit this collcc-

Stephen Perrine

Tim underwood and Chuck i%Iiller

conscious about his five-foot-six

Brooklyn

Novato, California

height," according to the Times) are leading the alchemy-in-reverse transformation of corporate America into a

DEAR EDITORS

mountain of leveraged-buyout debt. Second, an addition to "Will the Real Man Behind I New York Please Stand up" (by Ned Zeman, October): ust who

did invent the transistor? (a) Walter Brattain, John Bardeen and William Shockley; (b) NASA; (c) the Republican Party. All seem to have claimed to. sri'

contributor Andy Aaron took a tour of NASA's Kennedy Space Center at Cape J

clore you get too smug about your

to SPYFour letters. The breakdown: (1) Edgar Allan Poe and Elvis Aron Pres-

by Michael Crawford,

I could relax after you ran my letter last June, and leave your busy mailroom

December): Hysterically funny! Harry Shearer never

staff alone. (I got a copy of Z, by the way. and I can't say I understood all of it [Let-

wore nicer clothes [Jacket Required, Decernber)! I stood up and cheered! (Which was awkward and embarrassing when you

ters to SPY, June); but Knut Hamsun

'New England, '

oel Siegel reviews

' [Joel Siegel Reviews

consider where I read spy!) One of the top ten magazines of the year! Joel Siegel Neu' York

DEAR EDITORS

thought

Ingemar Johansson Separated by a Midwife? - a stitch!) I did not write when you so risibly pilloned my old college chum Richard Samuel West, who was, incidentally, at one time a

very nice guy [From the SPY Mailroom, MARCH 1989 SPY 17

Canaveral 15 years ago and remembers hearing a guide laying claim (for NASA)

to the invention (a spokesman today says NASA would never take credit for

that but admits that "we have made significant advances in the field of microminiaturization" and allows that NASA may hove been involved in "minor incremental changes"). And at last summers GOP convention, Pat Robertson said, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Republican Party wants to write a tale of another city. We are the children of those who tamed the wilderness. . .. We are the heirs of those who enriched

the world with the electric light, the telephone, the airplane, mass-produced automobiles, the transistor. . . We are

Republicans." Golly, we didn't realize

lus, how much we had to thank Pat Robertson and company for. The answer is, of course, (a)the three men invented it at Bell Labs in 1947. On the

other hand, maybe they were all Republicans.

Last October in this space we leveled

a few casual threats at the pupils of New York's Hunter College High School for co-opting our "Separated ot Birth?

logo and idea in their yearbook, Annalsnothing really mean, just a passยกng threat to ruin their careers at some point in the future. We've now received

a letter from the staff of Annals 1989, informing us that this year the precoclous little devils plan to expand their look-alikes section to two pages. They justify it this way: " 'Separated at Birth?' implies that each pair of people is really a pair of twins, and we believe that the two people in each of our pairs are really one and the some person."

Furthermore, they've come up with a different, catchier title of their own this time: "Have You Ever Seen These Peo-

pIe in the Same Place at the Same Time?" We like it. We just may steal it. Speaking of which, we admit we've lost interest in doing periodic roundups of the pervasive srr influence in other

publications and also the occasional roots-of-spy acknowledgments. We thank readers who continue to send us examples, but we'll henceforth let it go

(except for those Hunter kidsthey're hnished). Let's all face it: it's o sp-derivative world, and vice versa. Oh, Bill? The check is in the mail.

I8SPYMARCH 1989

)

October); or even when Mrs. De Meni! finally wrote in about her son [Letters, Oc-

rober). (AU the same, watch her.) What prompts this worried note is your contention in The Fine Print [by Jamie Malanow-

ski, November) that Richard Nixon ran for president as a New York favorite son. Richard Nixon was not born here, nor did he ever run for state of&e. Worked for a local law firm, I grant you; kept a Manhat-

tan townhouse, educated his daughcers, even so. But, as I think some song goes, California named him, California claimed him. And that's that. Joe Gioia Brooklyn

someone who glides around town in his Lincoln town car, wearing an expensive sweatsuit and a baseball cap with MAYOR embroidered on it in gold thread? This self-described night owl, attired in the aforementioned lounging outfit, also admitced recently to paying a lace-night visit

to a young woman who makes her living dancing nude, on the pretext of introducing himself to her three-year-old son. The Spy shutterbugs may also want co drop in on the mayor's next birthday party, especially if it's like some of the past bashes. One favorite took place in the club where the dancer mentioned above performs. Ac one point in the evening one

All qui/e true, 6'i he did run as a New York

young voman spent an extraordinary

favorite of

amount of time underneath thc mayor's table, reportedly looking for a dropped

resideni. And he's

always been a

ours.

DEAR EDITORS

glaring omission from

your pages has been detected lately. How is it har such a large

and slow-moving target as Jann Wenner has escaped the cross hairs of your occasionally well-aimed jibes? Is there something you are not telling us? Is there a type ofpub]icist who is paid to keep names out of certain publications, or

book of matches. Light my fire, indeed! By the way, before you mock my cornmunity of residence, as you have done co so

many before, you should know that only che truly deranged, a few politicians and those people whom they breed to work at the Motor Vehicle Bureau actually live in D.C. The rest of us commute to work on what passes for a subway around bere. Jack Sheehan Germantou n , ilaryland

cions closer than that?

So many questions. So much white space.

Austin, Texas See No. 59 opi last October's SPY ¡00 or ¡970f (December) or "The 100 Greatest Issucs ofRolling Stone Magazine ofihe Last 20 Years"

a soon-to-be-cercifled public accountant and devour Mickey Rourke fan, I was disrnayed to note Heaven's Gaie missing from DEAR EDI1ORs

Reginald Fessenden

(December).

DEAR EDITORS

ow delightful it was to

ñnd Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry included in your paean to fall [Great Expectations, November). (By the way, it is Barry, not Berr but that's an understandable mis-

Since Hizzoner is a regular visitor to New York, he should be considered fair

Rod Granger and Doris Toumarkine,

November). The omission will not only cost United Artists substantial video rentals from the Rourke contingent of sys readers, but, by bringing Rourke's toral to more than $100 million, it would have made him the hands-down Unstoppable

I I

i I I

champ.

l980s, The Sicilia,,. Blame Faulkner EI Cajon, California

game for your gentle apes. After all, here We tried io concentrate on movies in which our is a man who has stated on several oeca- Unstoppables played starring roles, either besions that he is second in importance only fore or behind the cameras. Having already, to the president of the United States, and uh, credited Heaven's Gate tofellow Unstopwho travels with a security entourage only pables Michael Cimino and Km Kristofferson, slightly smaller than that accorded the first it would bave been unfair io charge it off on family. How can Ed Koch hold a candle to Rourke's account as well.

f'i;';'r;

me Certifiably Nuts the laughing,

talking strait jacket containing 12 oz. ¡

his list of credits VThe Unstoppables, by

After Heaven's Gare and Year of the Dragon, the mind can only wonder what take, given his physical shape.) Many of us effect the Rourke factor" could have had find Barry to be a politician in the mold of on Michael Cimino's third bomb of the Al Sharpton, only less reputable.

I I

of unshelled peanuts. understand each bag comes with a patient histoiy and commit-

mentpapergiftcardandcosts $19.95 plus $4.00 shipping and handling per bag. (California residents add 6.5% sales tax.) I have enclosed a check or monC order in the amount of $ for bag(s). I will wait patiently (no pun intended) 8 to IO weeks for delivery.

I i

i I I

IName

iAddress

State_Zip

iCity

iThlephone

OffCenter i

1142 Manhattan Avenue #332 Manhattan Beach, CA 90266

Void where prohibited. I

L --------------- J

MARCH 1989 SPY Q

Some of the most mportant issues management will face n the next 12 months. I

'JI I

Its here Anotheryearofmcrgers, acquisi tions, spinoíís, layoffs, buyouts, bailouts, hirings and firings. All the things that ma e i e at t e top ot t e corporate ladder

H-

jf J

exciting and---sometimesshort. Simple survival is the main reason why the biweekly arrival of Forbes is so important to so many in management. And that's not lust our opinion. According to a study

7 i

.. ..

I J

bvMaketFacts1norecofVontofhCers

gives them the best information ou companies, as well as the best judgments and insïghts. But survival isn't the only

I.% :

thingthey also say it's the most enjoyable.

lt's because Forbes gives both executives _ìr Ii and investors the information they need in a form they enjoy that Forbes I .7 -. CRY.BAìS or es enjoys such a wealth of megarich read 'i'" ers. Subscribers who have household ai.', V j incomes of over S160..000 and investi nient portfolios of over $895,000. \ -With one out of three a millionaire. No doubt this is And while America's business and why the Publishers Information Bureau financial leaders find Forbes to be If you want your advertising to be consistently ranks Forbes among the the most informative, liveliest and seen and well received by the upper leaders in total advertising pages. Why most enjoyable of the major business biweekly Forbes carries more ad pages ranks of management, put it in the magazines, advertisers are happy to than Time, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated business magazine they consistently find that it's the least expensive way or U.S. News land, of course, Fortune). vote their favorite. Forbes. to reach them. '

20 SPY MARCH 1989

DEAR EDITORS

hen I was in school, I used to amuse my-

seW during boring classes by making anagrams. (E. Graydon Carter CORNET

the concept into a public message, and I certainly have not claimed credit for any of the above, as my bio in Whos Who clearly

indicates. There are several people who

READY: RAG!, GRODY CAREER

should take credit for being part of a team

ANT.) But my teachers discouraged me. They told me no one could make a living

led by Joe Baum who deserves a goodsize chapter in a book yet to be written, namely the history of twentieth-century restaurants as a social institution. Please

from anagrams. (Kurt Andersen

STAR-

KEEN NURD, DRUNKEN STARE.) Like a fool, I believed them. John T Durkip, Monk/air. Neu jersey

DEAR EDITORS

satirical magazine

must keep its credibility, or it becomes like the hyperyellow jour-

nais sold in supermarkets. Ned Zemans piece [Will the Real Man Behind INY

also read my article in Travel & Leisure in

connection with the 25th anniversary of

Mies van der Rohe took no credit for the brilliant concept, George Lois is perfectly happy with rcceiving credit for translating

meetings actually took place relative to the campaign.

These letters outline the concept and needs for such a campaign and like my client pitch

lettersserved as the basis

for the campaign.

Charles Moss at Wells, Rich. Greene knew of my plan

Although J don't usually dispense free advice, I will make an exception at this time: dont try ยกo had, because, in the

year before I actually laid out a specific

immortal words of A. J. Liebling, you

bedside while I nursed a broken leg and for nearly a year heard me outline my plan to save New York. For a long time Moss credited me with

will boot yourself in the posterior. George Lang Neu York

of desperation

of it is so false that even the opposite of his statements is not true. Take the case of the Four Seasons, for instance. Philip Johnson never claimed to invent Chocolate Velvet,

ters that I had sent to numerous people upwards of a year and a half before any

this extraordinary institution.

Please Stand Up, October) not only smells

trying to get enough material for a basically good ideabut some

able ro you, and you would have seen for yourself the lengthy, in-depth, detailed let-

DEAR EDITORS

hile it is plain in the final analysis in Ned

Zeman's story that I created the INY

my dream

for over a

program and corralled him into getting in-

volved in the campaign. Moss sat at my

having created the campaign. Then Mary Wells Lawrence stopped him because she realized Wells, Rich, Greene could build their future on supposedly having created the campaign. They realized I wasnt look-

campaign and that I was the only person telling the truth, I wish that the piece had

ing for credit, and it was the most con-

conducted further investigation into the origins of the campaign. I would gladly have made my files avail-

in history. Robert M . Zaren: New York

structive, successful campaign of its nature

y fears for the future of the Review of Reviewers column have been allayed. Ignatz's piece about dance critics in the November issue was trenchant and marvelously funny. DEAR EDITORS

"ffyoiivebeen searchingfor something to enflance the sensual side of your life...

Yellow Silk offers fiction, po-

I'll never read Kisselgoff again without I never read Kisselgoff before without giggling, but now the future is

etiy, art, reminiscences, and reviews of material that cele-

: :

from earthy and funny to

been spelled the saine in

si"i'

always. Yots

overiired. Get some rest, Mc. ¡-leniz. See a' movie. How about a good George Cukor filen? Now that you enentioci it, Gaslight u'ould 6e an excellent choice.

giggling.

brate the erotic In a way that

manages to be both tasteful andjuicy. The writing ranges

thiigs. Ratzu.'ikzizwki 's name has alu'ays

secure. '

DEAR EDITORS

hile perusing your

latest issue and

Art Mirray Saddlebrook, New Jersey

tender and thoughtfui, and the art is exquisite. Highly

reading the article on the basically nonexis-

tent boundaries between politicians and journalists [Everybodys a Great Commu-

recommended."

DEAR EDITORS

guess you can be too

thin. The arrival of VGDay has reminded me of your recent article on Grenada [Rccurn to Grenada,' by Guy Martin, July), to which I'd like to append the following fashion tip: in any formerly leftist country that has recently been overrun by U.S. Marines, no matter how lithe and stylish you may look in black it's unwise for Americans to wear clothing clearly labeled spy, as illustrated by your corre-

Medic.a1 Si1f-Care

J!)I29RT

spondent's jungle photo. You're likely to earn the undeserved appellation CIA red-

nicatoi by Jack Hitt and Bob Mack. November] I was struck by your comment on William Safire. Besr New York Times columnist This commendation for a man who, among his many other egregious acts, felt compelled to write a nauseating paean

to Roy Cohn in his column at the time of that slimeballs death After a few moments' reflection I realized that you put in the little zinger for Sake as a payback for

the Times column each month. In other words, William Salire is really ghosting for

J. J. Hunsecker. lsnt he?

neck" from the entertaining but uniri-

De Kenneth R. Weinberg

formed natives.

:'\\

New York

Incidentally, black tees and sweatshirts clearly labeled CIA Can be obtained from che California Institute of the Arts, in Valencia, California, alma mater of such porentially suspicious operatives as Pee-wee Herman and Tim Burton.

Na. In

fact,

Mr. Hnnsecker has been ghosting

Mr. Safire 's column all these years.

DEAR EDITORS

how me to congratulate you on this year's

Ker'in Bfrìrke

excellent SPY I 00 issue [October). Espe-

Hell's Kitchen

ciaHy gratifying to me were the copious references to professional wrestling (my fa-

vorite sport) scattered discreetly through DEAR EDIToRs

plexed. Why is it that every time Ignatz's name appears in print, it seems to pick up

,,AII persuassnn%; no bruiaIit."

an extra vowel or consonant along the way

M.rwin

Ntoiake Shinge Susan \4avuni k'rn Gcnit .. T.e Corinne Pierrv Lous (;.ir Soto Itid Dater Marg Piercy 'Nul an Kotiwinkk k..ica Hagedorn Frie Gill Marilyn I Licker Iìn ArgüeIIp'c \v s

(;ritÍr

(A simple issue, I know, but I have a low

Roh(rt Silvcrherg

ChirIotte MIfld(í

ys, ro

O(taio l'di

Quarterly

OLJTSIDLS..ADDS6/SLJRACE. $20/AIR PIR VEAL U.S. FUNDS.

! I.

22SPYMARCH 19S9

i i

ase's heart attack on page 37 (2) Frank from the Bronx

in WEAN transcript on page 62 mentions another

but would be greatly appreciated. Aside

Square Garden under events.

times in your November issue. Was this deliberate, or did one of your editorial staffers forget ro change his word-a-day

from that. you guys make me scream. Thrtse L. Hentz

ADoless

(1) My own letter on lron Mike DiBi-

calendar Straight answers are not expected

Gaslight threshold.) Also, the word

several articles:

wrestling death, Bruiser Brody's stabbing in Puerto Rico at the hands of Invader No. 3 (3) Monstrous Henchrnen on page 77 includes Andre the Giant (4) John Brodie's Rcgi.ilar Guy Manhattan map on page 1 06 includes World Wrestling Federation wrestling at Madison

preterizatarally appeared no fewer than ten

6374. Albany CA 94706

$20/year

couple issues have really got me per-

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Although the word preternaturally appears in every issue of spy, it's possible that the November issue was preternaturally brinming. As for Ratzwizkiwzki s name chan,ging its spelling, nonsense. Surely you're imagining

Clinton S. Freeman New York

DEAR EDITORS

our FEUDS! cover story

(by Lynn Hirschberg,

November) was interesting, funny and epic in scope.

Ud like to use SPY as a forum to start a j,ersonal feud (being a celebrated letter writer, considering t've had two letters printed in the past year in Rolling Stone, check issue Nos. 5 19 and 538) with selfSPY crusader Michael Gates of Brooklyn (Letters, November]. Where do you get off, Gates, criticizing

Each licked the last

appointed old-style

this wonderfully perfect example of a satir-

ical monthly simply bÂŤause ir has more pages? A magazine is not like a model; having fewer pages is not tastefully svelte, but usually means less content; having more pages is not corpulent, but rather a way to give you more for your money. However, my main peeve against Gates is his description of s' as a whimskai alternative ro the humorless Neu' Yorker. Ridiculous! SPY is the eighties

kiss

of chocolate

7frouIade from the

Then they = went home other's lips.

and made love.

The food that good.

semisophisricated distillation of the satiroparanoid attitude of mid-fifties Mad. To

I give the best of luck in the future. To Michael Hideously Bloated GatesI SPY,

throw down the gauntlet. Dave Platt

Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

DEAR EDITORS

JOHN CLANCY'S1 181 WEST 10TH STREET 242-7350. I C JOHNCLANCY'S 206 EAST 63RD STREET 752-6666

et your act together,

SPY. Feuding is an interesting subject, but you've made a mess

of it. You've also got a number of facts or 'facts, as a SPY would writewrong. Now, we all know that when the computer comes up with a good quote, it's better not to check it out because even the most

venerable quotes are wrong. I assume that's why you checked almost nothing with me. Worse, as there is no context of any kind, no one who reads you will ever know why I said any of the things artributed to me, Apparently, out of the blue, I insult someone for no reason.

When you first rang mc,

told you

gently, firmly, that my feuds are usually political in origin. But you weren't buying

that. You also never explain how Ior anyonecan have a feud (which implies some sort of intimacy at some rime) with a mere acquaintance like R. F. Kennedy,

W. F. Buckley, R. Guccione and T. Brokaw. If politics (artistic matters also involve the po/ii) are not the common dcnominator, what on earth is? Now, I know that you find ir impossible to believe that anyone can be interested in

anything outside himself. Out there in Hustler-land all is Hype, Turf, Vanity and Spy's own most powerful emotion, Envy. \1

1Âť) SPY

To take seriously something outside one's own hustle is as mysterious to SPY as Grace is to me. This means that there is no way for you to understand why I should object so strenuously to Mailer's attack on Womens Liberation in The PriionerofSex. The

best explanation that you can come up with is that Mailer nailed Vidai early on by saying, 'He lacks the wound. Yes, Mailer did write that ( I still don't know what he meant by it), in a book called

police were rioting as Buckley and I were on air; police were beating up and teargas-

sexuality, to poor Tom's despair. You got this particular story from a Time magazine

sing antiVietnam War demonstrators;

cover piece on the vicissitudes of TV's newsreaders. The truth? The reverse. On

delegates too. Buckley characterized those

being beaten up as Nazis, and i said that they werent Nazis but if there was one anywhere on the premises, etc. . . . If this

turned to him on air and called him a

exchange with someone who was, socially, a stranger to me, isn't political. what is? Errors: When Vidai sued Guccione (he also sued Capote, William F. Buckley Jr. and many, many others) . . . Real dumb, spy. Real lazy too. I have never sued anyone except Capote (for libel, which I won). I have never been sued by anyone except Buckley, as a result of my response in Esquire to his attack (in Esquire) on me. You write, Lawsuits and countersuits followed

Nazi. Aren't you even mildly curious as to why I said this? For sPy it is enough that I

but Vidai settled out of court. I did not settle out of court. I was eager to go to

must, somehow, have Envied him for his astonishing beauty arid long words re-

trial. But shortly before we were due in court,

Ader:isernen:sfor Myself which I reviewed

most favorably in The Nation. Surely if I lusted for Revenge, I would have got it then.

Your report of my TV debate with Buckley makes it seem as if I suddenly

verse the adjectives if you like, if you haven't already, and so, Viciously, Outrageously (two words applied by our masters (O anyone who gives away the scam), I called him a Nazi. Even if you aren't curi-

ous, I'm sure your readers must be. So here's the context: At the 1968 Chicago convention of the Democratic Parry, the 24 SPY MARCH 1989

Buckley dropped his suit against me. Chat with your lawyers, si'y. I hear the creak of

prison doors, and there

no Mike

Dukakis to furlough you. The final error is not entirely your fault. You write that before I went on the Today show (1980?), Tom Brokaw asked mc to discuss politics, not bisexuality. Then, on air, I, Viciously, Outrageously, talked bi-

air, Brokaw asked me why I wrote so much

about bisexuality (I don't), and I made a mild joke, said ir was too early in the morning for such talk and I preferred to talk politics. Pluckily, he reread the question that someone else, I hope, had written down for him. Fed up, I said that I was not going co discuss bisexuality with him but that I was going to talk about Jimmy Carer, whom we'd just been watching On

the monitor; and I did. lt was not Tom Brokaw's finest hour. He got Even, as a spy would say, in the Time interview by reversing the story. Later I ran into him at a party

and asked him why he'd lied to TimeI used a nicer verb. He couldn't remember exactly, he said. Anyway, its flOt his word

against mine, the sort of vague, messy story tape.

SPY

truly loves: you can look at the

Lesson: when you deal with me or Mary McCarthy, you are moving out of hustlerland to a high ground where you stray at your peril. lt is called Criticism, and at its best, no matter how harsh or even unfair, it is disinterested. McCarthy was not jealous

Finally. lVs here.

The Warner Bros. debut

of a beloved entertainer

introduction.

who

But you

z Ô e o z

PRODUCED BY ELVIS COSTELLO, KEVIN KILLEN AND T BONE BURNETT

FEATURING THE SNGLE "VERONICA' a'

VAftABLE NOW ON WARNER BROS. CASSETTES, COMPACT DISCS AND RECORDS

ofHeilman; she thought her a literary and political fraud. I was not jealous of Mailer; I thought him wrong on the sexual politics of women's liberation.

Final thought: the inability to tell good

from bad, relevant from irrelevant, the joke (this is crucial) from the straight line, is true decadence. That's it, spy.

See you in federal court. Have a nice pretrial deposition. Gore Vidai HoIIyu.00d, California

Shortly after Mr. Vidai uni this letter. he ca/led s' tojind out ¡fue d received it. ¡n the course ofa diSCUr5iz;e and wholly pleasant col-

/oqiy. Mr. Vidai. who once jaid. 'Ai one gets older, litigation replaces sex. delivered a tongue-lashing for n'hai he claimed wen numerouss errors. J'undaunenta/ among them that

he was not a recidivist litigator. Mr. Vidai claimed to have sued only one perso?! in his iiJ', and that was Truman Capote. Th say otheru'ise. he informed sis solemnly. wouid be actionable. SPY stands by its story.

u.'elcomes letters from its readers. Address correspondence to s"' , The Puck Bnilding, spy

295

Lafayette Street, New York. N. Y.

¡0012.

Please include your daytime telephone

number. )

ßßVED EN1ÌR.4,

And from the spy mailroom floor: Possi-

bly because of our recently adopted scorchedearth policy regarding unsolicited manuscripts, the pickings lately have been slimmer but of greater ambi-

we won't publish it. How can we lose if he's expecting rejection? Someone in Bellevue, Washington, wants to submit a 1,100-word recipe for

tion. Viz,: At last, someone has sent

"The Best Pizza You Ever Ate" a topic, critics of SPY have long main-

along a 4,800-word sat-

tamed, that we have covered to death.

ire about cheese in fu-

A Canadian-bred Manhattanite pro-

turistic America. At

poses a piece titled "Particle Metaphys-

last, someone has written proposing an article

ics: Subjective Reality and The Last

on Samoan sexual prac-

Temptation of Christ"; his postscript is a siy appeal to the tragic fellow-Cona-

tices today. At last, we have been offered the opportunity to assign a story on a specific aspect of Spain's post-

dian-ness of one of spy's editors, A woman keeps sending us snapshots the latest are of dinosaurs, tanks, T-

Franco culture. At last.

shirts and canned goodsand demand-

The cover letters are improving as well, as more and more would-be contributors are discovering flattery. "lt occurs to me that your publication might appreciate some of my work," writes an Ottawa man, enclosing some poems. Another man writes, "After a few bad ones, the November issue was really

funny." No question, we are predisposed to send this writer a contract. And another man encloses what he describes as "a really bitchen film arti-

de" a Los Angeles manbut predicts

ing a check. Andpay attention, all of youthe editors of the North Atlantic Review have sent us an announcement

stating that they (unlike SPY) are "looking for fiction, poetry, humor, satire, essays, criticism, book reviews, art work

and photos." Address: 15 Arbutus Lane, Stony Brook, N.Y. i 1790-1408.

Oh, and here's one more envelope, addressed to the "Light Verse Editor." We'll just put it right over here until one of spy's light verse editors gets back from his or her sabbatical. ) MAR(:H

i'.x'spv2

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LOOK WHAT SUO BUYS IM MEW YORK. \ MORNING EDITION

WASHINGTON WEEK

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I CHARIVARI NEW YORK Matsuda Spring Collection

.IuIIi:,uILujI1LujpuIuI1LuII1jr.IIlIuIuIIu:

T H

Ii l:Ets i il.vr \\.\ j\( ()N Nvs Ags. bosomy diny-hooL writcr. SALLY QUINN. was upset about a recic E.w1,are' prolik UI her triend 1wd Ofletirnc Wa.chángiim Pou CIICagLlc. SHari' COFFEY. thc fresaly

installed executive cdiror of he

R I N T

h)'JtJfll4C 1'iftilti,,oi

itsiiipIauicd tO AMANDA 'BINKY" URBAN. who h..ppens to bc. both Quinns trmnd and tI agent for the Coffey proflics author. CRAmG UNGER. I low in Gods namile. Quinn wanted to know. could Bmnky have allowed a licnt to sa so many horrible thmgs about

IAUOON: HHUGHfl OP THE OPPICIAL DUKAKIS

CAMPAIGN "TALXNIG POINTS COflTIflUC

hcir

quidrcnnI4I IITortlh(atiofl

(crcron1 - thes ar now in che hisrsh scII-eximin4cIoiI ptLasc. Thy (int chat tOII()WS

ClIC

halluin.uonlv OptimStI ¿ud dcfc.0

hv &rashiti

lI4

thcs vull bUSI uhmschc by assigning hLmc for IJ.SC falt

loss ii thr prcIidcnnl

rk uutiui

Duoc who tI)IitCfld tiut

Clic

tatult lies with thc campaign should luok no turther thauu tiic

campaign's own talking pointa. thr onñdcnnal daily disphcs issucd by thc crutraI ufike to kcv operalîvts around thc ounCr lu mal.c suit CS'CiVt)nC is dchvenng tut Saint riwabage . Thc) re'caI .i campaign haracucnicc1 by

misjudgment. misperception. defensivcnrss. delusion arid the unmistakable odor ol flop sweaC Here arc some highlights. AUgUSt 1

1HE !. UORD

is i.I:.iDERSiilP: The

Rcpublatuis dies vant this clesitoti to be aotit issues. So

why o they kcp talking about

labrls

August lS A noiI today in the UfJb:NjIos

Poi: showed

Dukais lead r.arrowung to 49'ç -46' . This is exaculy

o spy MARCH 1989

E.k/Hlrt 5(5)1v %%.tS

tHai is IIMA.

PRI )I I.l(,A( i t4LlIS \ Ill R I( Al I the s .ist ing C t ssal SU%11eN. Deemiiher I 98 i that i M. PE is ovcrseeIIIg .tr SnVEN Joss5 Sui Renio 1'ied-i-terre, It cOIltlflLICS. I11C price t. .tlin yourself; IlLisli (lie plight of the homndess from your thoughts now ruiu at S 2 . I I per square tOot t or about t': t:;c the u)St ut building a skyst raper.

that Post wrirtrs had ghosted her novd. Regrets On/ ). So Quinn did wlì.s .tnvone vouId do: she

ThACKWIG A UAD

As DtfflU(tII

Lo. Ang/., Iwi.c.

iiiiIdIv criti:aI ot Coffèv. hut Q uinn was irked by Sorne passing swipes the E.sqs:re Titcr baci taken at ber(suh as repeating old rsmmrs 11'i:

.1 SH.si F5

her' Bin$.y was apoIogcti. Binky was reassuring. Unger was not reall her dient. she said. She had agrerd. she c.sid. to represent Unger only Exause his former agent had died. and Binky rcaIl had noth-

Ing to do with him. Binky never so much as returned his phone cIIs. and so on. End of girl ta'k. \Vithin the week. however. Binkv received a a11 Iroin Unger a call that she inincdiatcI) took, oddly tiiough \X'hat had she thought of the rqií:re pie.et. Unger asked. She had liked it very IS()fle

much indeed. Binkv replied. e.cpee:d13 :h

bits a/Ms:t

Sa/I) Qu:z.

N,Vlk)NAI. Rin i Aot IAl ION ieiiitxr and Sirnuii Sthtistcr e(llti)r ¡n i.lict MICHAEL KORDA has always

htnied hiiiiself, despite his a maus a lung. SJ( mal relationship 111.111 . Airer comidtnrumi with LALRIE LISTER. ami emplivec who edited B-lust lornialiv niemnoirs. kurda dcidccl l.rt t.11 ro '?pr:»r:tlr tlic. Woifleil in lii lite. His wik. MAR. .

GARET, h1td titliti ideas. and rel)rredlv delivered an

Annie Oakleylike. Poz C, hOU ¡O Ute It. Ihit ¡6 (,ci lt -ish ultini.truni . Kurda capittilarrd Ikier wa PUr.tl by DucK SNYDER. SS cliiirman mui(l Kuril.is l)ltIsrerhuticl The K.ordas sceni lii have we.irhered

the mnisunderstandiuig; they dancd together at tIle

l.vcrn on the (reemi tie tIirovn to olillik-tiiorate kirLts ?i(l years am S&S k.or(la (-Veli roasted his " ite. tuIaIILInLZ her tor ismttin

' lne tu tall his

O??/?IllWdflt.i a i

UI)

ich wli.tt

ht-

r/:f.r over tht stars.

HE Is Ol UI THE VERY FIW Hollvwoodworkers

whose talent is conirnensura(e with his arrogane abosit his caleiu. atiti his tiiìCOmflptOmfliSing take-it-

or-leave-it approad to selling the ¿loonstruk screenplay probably did as mntich to enhante screenwriters status as any gassy \Vriters Guild I11LitteStO. Nevertheless. JOHN PATRICK SHANUYS impassioned

li vot

x in F a Suuìon & Schuster author and celebrated X'atergarc reporter. ()U 'ere. naturaIl. iii. sited to K()tda s let s-pretemid-mx lungs-wrong tete cle'ribed above. \'oLi sscrc also imiviteti it ynu sere

sifliOIi & Schuswr author auiti \Vatergate fclon JOHN EHRUCHMAN. Trying to let bygones be bygones. the

pro-union spee(h to 'X'riters Guild Last members last year. itist before their long. difficult strike u!-

erstwhile Nixon man used the occasion co liase a

lapsed. seemed somewhat lesc moving alter e were

tutu

told that Shalev had been surreptitioush sending in regular rc rites on his new script. January ¡lan. which was being filnied during the long. difficult

liaps. endear Ehrlichman to CARL BERpismN. whose

strike about which he so movingly rhapsodized.

tormer partner. Boi W000WARD.

Imite chat with his erstwhile nemesis. amiably alliuig

Bob agaiii 411tI .tgaiii. \\'hich did flot. per-

nickmianie is nut Bob. and svlio during the last dei-

idc has produted three t'wcr best-sellers than his

::...

CELESTIAL HINDSIGHT spy 'j Horoscopefor Skeptici

/-1

nother look at the horoscopes of familiar people on momentous days of their lives.

Subjeth NANCY REAGAN

Subject: GEORGE BUSH

Sign: Gemini (b. 6/ 1 2/24) Dote: November 8, 1988 Notable Acthity: Won presidential election Horoscope: Anyone who thinks you are scatterbrained or irresponsible is about to discover that you have been plotting and scheming for a long tirnc.

Patric Walker,

YHI EINE PuNT COPUTINU(D

Sign: Cancer (b. 7/6/2 1 ) _ Dot.: October 17, 1988 Notable Activity: Acknowledged that she had been borrowing designer clothing, in breach of promise she had made in i 982 to discontinue the practice Horoscope: Open lines of communication . . . add to wardrohe. Sydney Omarr,

pledged the flag every day he served his country in Korea. He continues to recise the pledge today, and schoolchildren across . . Massachusetts recite the pledge each morning.

Subject: MIcHAEL DUKAKIS

Sign: Scorpio (b. 1 1/3/33) Date: November 8, 1988

Subjech DAN QUAYLE

Sign: Aquarius (b. 2/4/47) Doti: November 8, 1988 Notoble Activity: Was elected vice president of the

Notable Activity: Lost presidential election

Horoscope: "Thanks to your determined efforts this month to conceal your motives and emotions, few are likely to see that beneath your enigmatic facade youre undergoing a profound process of change and reorientacion. Katharine Merlin,

United States of America

Horoicope: You may feel youre simply playing a role, but the better the show you put on, the better the outcome. Katharine Merlin,

Town & Country

Toti't, & Country

, q $,e e e

August 24: Mike Dukakis

The Wathingion Pout

Neu' York Pou

- George Mannes t

whaE we expected: its going to be a vety close. tough race. ... Tonight George Bush makes the most important speech of his life. . . Lets face it: its Tension City. He has to hic a grand siam.

August 26: Today. Bentsen demonstrates the broad appesi o( the Dukakis-Bentsen ticket in the South.

August 29: Dukakis said: The American people aient interested . . in a debate over which of us loves his country the most.

September 2: FAMILY

REUNION:

PRIVATE LIVES

THE S PY Lisj Sammy Davis Jr.

James Dean Pamela Des Barres

Marianne Faithfull

. In response to questions about whether his return signified a problem with the Dukakis campaign. Sasso pointed out that Dukakis is the Democratic nominee. presided over the best convention in recent Democratic history. picked a first-rate running mate and is now running neck and neck with the incumbent Vice President. None of this seemed . . . plausible a year .

ago.

Susan Gutfreund

Leona Helmsley

September 3: 1n one of the most dramatic and moving moments of the Presidential campaign. Euterpe Dukakis

Jackie in Shampoo

will join her son Michael at Ellis Island.

Jerry Hall

Bianca Jagger

Angela Janklow Sally Kellerman Sally Kirkland

September 9: Correctional programs are not mistake proof. The real issue is how you reduce crime. and on that score Dukakis is a real leadee.

September 16: Bush is on che ropes. . . this week.

Linda Lovelace September 22: Bush will be in

Terri Nunn of the group Berlin Nancy Reagan

Longtime Yankee manager Bill;' Martin prepares/or the start ofanother season. IU.USTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN

Loree Rodkin

Boston today to receive the endorsement of the Boston

Ikiice PtroImens Benevolent Association. Bush will try to make headlines cĂan endorsement that has nothing to do with who would be the best president.

MARCH 1989 SPY 31

(

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// (f

MARCH DATEBOOK TNt FINI PuNI CONTINUID

Enchanting anar

Alarming Events

Spcetnbcr 30 Bush unucs to flail uy.ng lu sigc uIflc' poInt% with ChC middle

t Izas.

ining decrardy io portray MSD as a big Lles

go%criimcsil type.

3-5 Ijftlt AflflLlaI

IturnationaI Cat Show; Madison Square

October Thc MSD camplign has scrtcd a sertes of ads . . calkd Thy Packaging .

(iCotgc Bush (chat) show aides Io I3ush deciditig to 01

øuli

Upcoming

it, ihe sag.

Ociobcr To rcc' Busti stands lot the stuus quo; Dukakis ciands (or h&ngc. S

Bush stands (or compiacnc. Dukakis si*nds tor ihLngc Bush stands for running in place. Dukakis wants to move torward. Bush will sccth for the buxtze Dukakis wanta the gold ter Anterka; Bush is looking an mntenuonal walk. DuaLis wasit a hoinc riiii.

Gtrdcn. The furriest. most self-satisfied crctttires to assemble at tht: Garden since Duran Duran last plavud there. 8-12 The Otflcgd

Institute for Holistk Studies ¡s offering a

Otobcr

ConneCtiOn and learn

(after chc &ncsen ow the raie Q uayle debaict: is a statssttcal dead hrar

REPUBLI(:AN ELECTORAl. LOCK Diere is none The vocrs t.oncrnuc to reject (ieorge Bush. MSD (is) doing well in CA 7

OEtober I 4 (after Dukakis lost thc hnal dcbtc). c lion Last

night atcoding w a US/I ToIs (:al,knia poll. . The polls .

that show a Bush win fail to flO(C

the obvious - BucF kl

going into the debate. and omrnittcd Bush voters arc Wc skesing the score begm th hnal three 4iid a hail weeks with a dvtutni that started to turn last night to our gtuuiid - a iOSiCIsC. futureoricnicd debate about the real Isaucs that affect peoples lives.

O(tober

Thr eleie,00 is

still up (or grabs.

There arc

a number ol ekition stenalios which lead to an MSD vturv.

MSDs ek«oral

hase. plus

states on both toasts. plus stich key battle ground states s.s TX and ¡L give a malOElty Octobct 18. Mike Dukakis wants to bring prosperity hume tus many Americans. George Musli wants io bring prospetity

to Americans with -nanv homcs. 32SPYMARCH 19S9

first-hand what the dolphins have to teach aboLit relationships to self, to others and o

9:O am. co 4:30 p.m. Fine tiione of hoursze,

ciz:/izea'. The cost is s I 05. Very fair prru-c.

good :'a/e. in/ in faa

living creatures to human ancestors of some 50 million years ago, says the press

doing a great ¡ob. But ¡11

Thirtieth anniversary of President

release, cujiiVefliefitIS

¡he u 'hole prograi)i soundi

te7Jit- you gii)J are

"5 did yo!.' like' tix ita; we handled this list i,sgt

26 Easter and the

(b) Don Ho mania

25 The International Auto Show begins at the Javits Center. Terrific a gathering o King-Crusher-truck buffs in a city where no one has a drivers

sweeping che First h)r(y-eight.

license.

Easer Parade on Filth Avenue. l:orger Sr. Patrick s Day ihn is the wildest parade of the month. ir can get a little zany, cautioned a spokesperson for the New York Convention atid Visitors Bureau. Pcoplc put anything and everything on tbe:r

25 New York

headc.

University s School of Continuing i:dLicatkn iS offering a one-sesSioli

28 Terrh anniversary of near meltdown at

lisenhowers signing Hawaiis statehood legislation. paving the way for (al the Aloha State's future as a

Cktnb«r 6

exhibit opening today at the Museum of Natural History. Madagascar's lemurs bear clic closest rescmL,lance of aii

vith che Dolphins;

$675. lhrough three

Island oh che Aucestors

and Getting Positive Fevdback. One session \'ice idea. lt goes trom

Block associations for streets intersecting Fifth Avenue regret coo-hasty detision flot to install Portosans on every corner this year. 18

separare 4S-nsinute swims with the dolphins. participants enter deeply lUto the dolphin-human

tor

in Papc Lion in 1968. 17 Sc. Vatricks Da

tOUe called lnrerpecies Connectton: Swirntnin

Key Largo. Florida.

course sallcd Giving

16 FIa.hback.' I 964:

Alex Karras, who had bven suspended by clic NFL for betting on games. is reinstated. thereby making hini eligible to play himself

Pacihc Elba for deposed Filipino despots arid

25 A reconstruction of a Malagasy village is

part ofthe

1adagascar:

forgetting about Jutid Nelson.

ihrte

lile Island. b

the planct. An alternative for those remaining here: stand next to some iced

WHAT'S IN

mahirnahi at (irarcllas

WAgIJARLES c.AN'T AFFORD 77i147 RiZP.

and t 'intent raie.

i i Five-Kilometer

A NAME? ¿4 ¿1onth/)

Anagram Ana/isis

1-loroscope Run;

(:eirrai Park. Awards for top finishers under catit zodiac sign. Almost (00 repellent k)r words: thousands of joggers talking about

IDES OF MARCH MODISH FARCE

JOHN HENRY SUNUNU ENJOY RUN. SHUN HUN

their signs. VICE PRESIDENT

13 Neil Sedaka turns 50. Oubreak of office violence among coworkers traccd to individuals humming

snatches of Laughter in the Rait 15 Ides.

ali morning.

QUAYU EVIDENTLY QUASI-CREEP EVIDENTLY EPIC SQUARE

PERCEIVED TINY SQUEAL

tlEn GENT

QUflUAVE PRESIDENCY NICE DEPRAVITY SEQUEL

GOES NEGATIVE

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pr;

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You ARE THERE Spy 's Exclusive Monthly Behind-the-Scenes Celebrity Vignette

TUI FSM$ pii.iT CONTeNUID

October 19: Dukakis is out on the stump with a 'ñghting

speh. .

. The response has

bccn ekttnc.

October 20: An invigacd MSD conunuts to tear up the campaign trail wich a powerful message that is catching ñre.

October 27: Only 8 pcints between MSD and Bush.

November 4: ThE SURGE: l(RC poll this morning shows

MSI) pulling within 6 points.

If Reggie Jackson is

Mr. Ouober. Mike Dukakis will be Mr Novembre INVESTMENT TIP

&Is(t? il or noi', gi:'írzg large amowrli oflJ7Ofle) to complete

tiraogeri in exchange for the ngbti to all the gold ¡bat can ex:rac:edfrom big piles o/din that the buyer 1at ocien icen z, 00:4' zonjiderrd an im/»iident iniyjtmc,,t. According io the North American S«anztáei Administrators Ai,oziation. tens ofthoiiandi ofAmenicani haze lost an estimated $250 ms/lion

in dirt pile wind/ei. N/tSAA wants that inch scams are proliferating There are now 52 sod' szams under investzgalson: in ¡lx spring of 1987 there urne only 8. NASAA attribute, the ïncrease Io the dzc/ine of investor confidence in the stability of the

Jk)STPARTY ANIMALs:

lis 6:00 a.rn. in Beverly Hi/lido you know where Chuck Norrij is? Why, hes sii/I al

Warren Beatty 's supergiamoroiss, ultrajiash all-night blowota bachelor bash (lo benejit Cerebral Palsy), getting by with a little help frotta Lawrence Taylor and an unidetitijied Etiropean while he feels a little iffy flexing his abdominal tituscies at poolside. Meanwhile, Eddie ¿Mierphy (reprising his timeless Guniby bit) splashes arottnd i?, the drink, soaking ¡'p the adulation he gets et'en frotti fellow superstars. And rounding 01st this hard-core part; corps is none other than conch potato LeVar Kimta Kinte Bllrton, who spent most o/the evening ttying to hide from jot.rsting nut Val Kilnier. PHOTOGRAPFI 13V STEPHEN FRAILEY

jim-k market since she Oaoben

1987 crash. (Too risky! I told my broker. 1m psating my money into pocen(íally gold-bearing

dirt.)

Capsule Movie Reviews by Eric KaplanTM,

typical dint-pile swindle invol&fs a zallfnom a salesperson sss:ng a WATS line to phone list, ofpotennal sntystors. each of whom ti told thai for a paymezzi I'

ofaroand $5.000. he orjhe will obtain title to 100 tons of unprocessed dirt - what the salesperson probably calls

aggregate Ort. The dint ii gtearanò'eed to contain at least 20 owrnes

BLURB.O.MAT

ofgold.

the Movie Publwist's Friend SKIN DEEP, starring John Ritter (20th Century Fax)

Eric Kaplan says. "Now it can be said: the silver screen is John Ritter country!" CousiNs, starring Ted Danson, Isabella Rossellini (Pararnoun) Eric Kaplan says, "With cousins like these, there's sure to be an Oscar in

the family!"

Thosççh

investors are told they will hazy IO watt between one and three years he/ore seeing a return. they are hooked by ¡lx opportonity to

buy gold/or $250 an onna ai a time when st is selling/or around $400 an onoce. What s urong with ¡bi, deal? The gold dotjnt exist beysnd microJTopic, economically

34 SPY MARCH 1989

A DRY WHITE SEASON, starring Donald Sutherland, Marion Brando (MGM/UA) Eric Kaplan says. "Brando and Sutherland'nuf said!"

LEVIATHAN, starring Peter Weller, Richard Crenna (MGM/UA) Eric Kaplan says, "Weller and Crenna'nuf said!" TRUE BELIEVER, starringJames Woods, Robert DowneyJr. (Columbia) Eric Kaplan says. "Robert Downey Jr. made me a true believerhe's the

Tom Honks of the '90s!")

THE

ENVRONM ENT OF THE

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¡(J)., 1- 1 I(lh(Y( (' (I

THEY SHOOT BRAT PACKERS, DON'T THEY A Peek Inside the Hollywood Handg:n Fantasy THI liNt PlINY COHYINUID ta,rvrovcrable level:, explaini James Meyer. a killjoy a: NASAA. T/X mineprobably is nothing more than a godforsaken

patch ofdeier: sru6land. Permits haten : been acquired. 7eií resse/is hat keen cooked up. in shori. these dea/i are a rip-off from the word so. i: migb seem thai ¡ho iic:imi of:/sese scams unu/df: a type greedy. credulous. ¡enwsrIdI. Bu: no: some of them are greedy and credulous bu: qso:e experienced in jome of the ways

oftix um-Id. Me/t'in Bell:. one of America j premier ambulance chasers and the ho of Bhopal.

loi: $300.000 in a dirt-pile sr/seme masterminded by a

f urniture salesman in California. in faa, the salesman used a personal leuerfrom Belli to promote the scam, u.'bich. all sold, cois :ni'estors more than $20 million. JUDGE WAPNR1 DECISION. WITh JUDGE HARDY, JUDGE HARDCASTLE AND JUDGE REWIHOLD CONCURRING

'i12

the hot Santa Ana winds blow in from the desert and the hairs on the nape oía man's neck stand on end, most anything can happen. In Raymond Chandler's California, it is then that a scream

BHGC attendants still snicker about the sartorial faux pas of Romina Danielson, Peter Holm's goofy girlfriend who swooned on the stand during the HoimJoan Collins divorce trial. On the night she

echoes up from the valley or over the canyon or across the hills. In Charlie Sheen's California, it is then that the young, idle and well-to-do Californianthe one who feels an obligation to at least

visited the gun club she wore a skintight, see-

playact the state's long-standing reputation for sorç(w did, random violencesteps into the Beverly Hills Gun Club and spends l?1I hours firing holes in menacing-looking paper targets. Charlie Sheen, confides his publicist, eager for his now-sober client to seem alluringly on-the-edge, practically has an arsenal. That Sheen is not the only celebrityfaux gunslinger is unsettling. Sylvester Stallone, Billy Crystal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Raider running back Marcus Allen. Sean Penn. Jamie Lee Curtis, Sheen's big

brother Emilio Estevez andhey, this really is Hollywood - Madonna's agent's brother have gone there to learn to aim and fire powerful handguns at targets.

The Beverly Hills Gun Club is not in Beverly Hills at all, but in

...

A rath« ordinary case involving last year's (avocice non-gold-indirt-pile scam, the Airplane

the wasteland between Century City

and the airport, in a flyspecked

Game, managed to create some

curious legai histoy. In New

York. four plaintiff Kafen Duncan, Victoria Meakin, Maureen Schmalzbauer and Elizabeth Brown were latcomers co the game, which

is a variation on the old pyramid scheme generic. When it collapsed, they sued Laura Norman and Haza Taicher the two people who had brought them into the racket. As part of her defense, Norman introduced a number of decisions citing the doctrine of unclean hands' - a doctrine that holds that a defendant is not responsible when the

plaintiff is equally guilty including a decision issued by

Judgejoseph Wapncr of The People's Cour: broadcw on September 16, 1988. Asjudge Wapncr learnedly

put it, ThiS whole thing, this whole operation, is an illegal

operation. lt's all gamblingI don't care whether you caH it Pyramid or you call it Pilot or you call it Crash Plane or what

you call it, it's illegal wait, wait, wait, wait! Young lady. let me finish. When it's illegal,

36 SPY MARcH 1989

through black girdle skirt, stiletto heels and, apparently, no underwear. She started grabbing my shirt and coming on like a real vixcn, recalls discreet club employee Chris Wise, and when that didn't work, she made like she was going to tear ;-__ her own shirt off. Wise, ofcourse, is not made of stone; he admits ro being impressed with the way Daniel50fl handled the .38 Smith & Wesl& ,

son Special her three Eurogent

companions had rented, The range officers - the collection of retired cops,

exmilirary police, and completely sane and stable

vets who run the placehave a favorite celebrity customer: Bill Paxton, star of Weird Science and Pass the Ammo. This proves that while the range officers may be able to make split-second distinctions be-

tween friend and foe, they don't seem to have a working definition of celeMty. (Their least favorite customers are Japanese nobodies. They love to

point a loaded gun in your face, says Wise. Then they laugh like crazy.) Deborah Michel

warehouselike building near several

' '

movie studios and talent agencies.

Readers who have not managed to blot out all

OGRO[LINC IN OUR TIME

memory of &verly Hills Cop II will recall the scene in

a shooting range that appeared to be in the hightech basement of a White's-like oak-paneled men's club. In fact, the BHGC has about all the charm of

"Every life is a series of small miraclesif only we can see them. Dan Wakefield's book helped me see mine." James Carroll on Dan Wakefield's

a bowling alley on league nightan imposingly

Returning: A Spiritual Journey

secure bowling alley, to be surewhere decorations on the painted-plywood walls consist of a target personally bullet-ridden by political criminal - Super Password contestant G. Gordon Liddy, and a pinup of a : bosomy, gun-toting model with the \ slogan You can't rape a The decor, which contributes so much to the gritty, seen-it-all-before atmosphere that so appeals to pretend G-men, carries through to the fashion code. Regulars know to dress down. The only people who wear suits are .

agentstalent and FBI. In the afternoon, writers show up in Banana Republic khakis, actors in ripped jeans and cowboy boots. All of them put on

the regulation fashion equalizersprotective ear coverings and shatterproof plastic eyeglasses.

"A beautifully told, passionate story," Wakefield on Carroll's Supply of Heroes "By a good distance her strongest novel," Reynolds Price on Anne Tyler's A Slipping-Down Life

"It's not just the tone that's right; it's the startling, almost incongruous eloquence," Tyler on Price's Kate Voiden

"Both breathtaking and heartbreaking," Carolyn See on Josephine Humphreys's Rich ¡n Love

"lt took my breath away." Humphreys on See's Golden Days - Howard Kaplan

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MATSUDA

PRINTEMPSETE 1989 YUKJO KOBAYASHI

PhotogrQphe: Juergen Teller

854 MADISON. AT 10TH. N Y. NY. (2I2988 9514

mñTc'UDñ IU

461 PARK AVE AT 57fll. N.Y..N.Y. (212)9356%9

Design by Yukio Kobayashi. Photograpi by Juergon Telle-. Photograc Asystance by Stephane Grundi. Ha r and Make up by David Grainger. Copyright

988 Ncole Co Ltd

: .

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WHEN HIGH PRICES SEPARATED

very year, the Zaga: Neu' York City Restauran Survey rates more than 700 dining establishments in Manhattan, based no on the wisdom of professional reviewers but rather on responses culled from several thousand regular restaurant-goers . A quesrionnairc asks diners to record the cost of their meal (includ1 ing one drink and tip) and then rate, on a scale of

TNt PINI PuNT CONTINUED its gambling. and even ¡1 uts a conttact, it's an illegal contract, and you cannot collect on an illegal contract. That's the long and short of it. I don't care if she cheated you out of the money if it was gambling. . .. You can't collect from her because the contract's illegal. The whole basis for it's illegal. I don't think you even doubt me that it's illegal. . . . Well. now you know. . . . No more airplanes and no more

Donald Trump ...

and the police sketch of Son of Sam?

critique of each restaurant, Zagal publishes variou lists of recommendations: Top Steakhouses, Tojl

continually consult. Zagat also compiles lists that, for some reason. ii

1 George Bush ...

has kept secretincluding the worst values in Ne York City dining, as ranked by an utterly mathe' matical formula that divides the level of customei and socialite Betsey Whitney?

were as victimized as che plaintiffs was rejeaed by Judge Äther. who observed that Norman made more than $10.000 and Taicher more than

$20,000, while the plaintiffs lost between $750 and $1,500 apiece. She ordered the defendants to reimburse the

plaintiffs.)

to 30, food, decor and service. In addiion to Views and Super Buys. to name a few that

passengers and no more crashes.

I'm judging for the defendanc. But unfo«unately (or the two defendants here, New York law was interpreted differently from Califomia Televisionland law, and Judge Carol Äther rejected the Wapner precedent. The defendants' claim that they

HAPPEN TO BAD Foou

BIRTH?

satisfaction by the average cost of a meal. Published here for the first time anywhere are last year's eleves poorest culinary buys according to Zagal.

I. Elaine's

7. Sardi's

2. Regi ne's

8. The '2!' Club

3. Bel/ini by Cipriani 4. Maxim's 5. Mortimer's

9. The

6. Gloucester House

Khste Alley . . .

and Meg Foster?

Quilted Giraffe Io. Panoli Romapzissimo i I . Sammy 'i Rumanian Steakhouse - Harriet BarovicA

INFOTAINMENT i 01 -I-i

Lkople Magazine's Guidelinesfor Gossip-Collecting

eople magazine's list of contributor guidelines (circulated ofli-

cially ro freelance writers and unofficially to Rupert Pupkinesque celebrity hounds, friends of friends and other eavesdropping hangers-on) claims that covering an event for Chatter or Take One [People's short-gossip-item sections) can be fun and easy

Sound fun Easy? Are you willing to refer to well-known people as celebs'? Then you just may have what it takes to dredge celebrity small talk for People. And remember (as the guidelines say), lf you aren't sure who is who, don't hesitate to strike up a conversation with some of the nerds hanging out next to the bar. too!!!!

wa But it does make you feel like a real gossip hound gets you in the right mood.'

and thai

3. 'Any funny stories about the guest of honor? . . . II you fail witF this line ofquestioning, don't despair. Most celebs have nothing tc say about a guest of honor.'

including the oft-encountered cement-brained ones - can answer these questions: . . . What has the celeb bees working on? . . . What does the celeb have planned for the fu' turc? . . . When all else fails, sometimes it pays to ask a celeb whai 4. Every celeb

They often recognize the celebs because they always come to parties or because they're related to someone's cOusin.' Or be-

he or she did that day. Short-term memory always proves the mosi fruitful.

cause, like you, they're covering the event for People. Other casually horrifying instructions from the People tip sheet:

5. 1f you can, try to find out if your celeb ever told your funny

L Always try to find the appropriate publicist when you enter the

repeat the story to others till you print i

party. He or she will probably agree to throw you up against celebs and force them to talk with you.

2. Always try to eavesdrop a bit before you descend on a celeb. Unless you have really great hearing you rarely get anything this 40 SPY MARCH 1989

story to another reporterand try to convince the celeb not to 6. The bribe method: Basically, you can only publicize the celeb'i current project if you have an exclusive tidbit or a zippy story to go with it. Remind the celebs about that and they may suddenly remember something to tell you.' D

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Teint Majeur and Poudre Majeur... You'll wonder how you ever went out without them.

Ah LA

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Time/y Advice Jrom the SPY Psychiatrist

friendly and shoots a mean game of golf. Unfortunately, hes a trifle lazy, and he has had to rely on family connections to get him into schoolswhere he didnt even do

Dr. Nick replies: Rather than answer yes or no, let me pose a own. Does your friend feu' questions of really believe hes the equal o/John F Kennedj. or is itjiist sorne sort ofcareerploy? If he sincerely belier'es that, we may be dealing uith pathological grandiosity - a worrisome

welland out of jams. They've also

trait :fyourfriend ¡s, saj. a public serzant.

helped him get work. For 12 years he has had a good job in Washington. Recently he

ity that allia)! allows him to be manipu-

Dear Dr. Nick, I am worried about a friend. He has a lot

going for himh&s rich, handsome,

I uould ask u;hat it is about bis personal-

got a big promotion. The trouble is, hes not qualified for the new positionand ht

lated by others. It could be

knows it. The change in his personality has

others to assume responsibility for major areas ofhis own life because ofan inability

been startling. He used to be enthusiastic and gung ho. Now hes nervous and uneasy. He says things like There is nothing that a good offense cannot beat a better defense. Everything else he says sounds like its been programmed or something, and he seems overdependent on his new

sonality disorder

dependent per-

which is a molodaptive reaction to an iden-

tifiable psychosocial stressor occurring within three months of the onset of the stressor. The .ítresior ¿n thu ase u the big promotion. So I would ask, in determining whether 1/Jere is an)' adjustment disorder, did the reaction occur within three months of the promotion? Finally. you say he knows he is not quali-

uhereby someone allows fled for his new post. This suggests he has

to ftinaion independently. Regarding yoitr assertion that he s a littIe dumb, I would ask how old your friend

is. If he un t that old, then certainly there are signs o/ what we professionals call lownormal intelligence or borderline intellec-

associates. Most disturbing of all, hes taken to comparing himself to John F. Kennedy What do you thinkdoes he

tuoi functioning. Psychological testing would be able ¡o et'aluate his intellectual

need to seek professional help?

him.

capaci!) and deter,'nine hou' iìiuch it impairs

SATHT's

co-1O FOL! TAÑS

Furihertiiore, his reaction to his promotion

might bespeak an adjustment disorder,

some insight, which could mean a hopeful prognosis. On the other hand, does he regularly accept positions for which he feels un-

qualified? This suggests a reckless, impulsitie nature and a questionable moral fiber ¡he .utuffofwhich a sociopath is made.

(Dr. Nick, the nom de plume of an actual psychiatrist, points out that he has never seen or spoken to the subject, and says that its highly irresponsible of him to offer a diagnosis in a magazine. The subject. Dr. Nick notes. might he just fine.)

Uusîiow

Goo

A Regular SPY Service Feotur.

This Monihs Topic: Wine

Sco

e following classified ad appeared in a Sunday Neu York Times:

No way. Why not?

¡,1 k&wx-.

LIQUtOATION

Will trade $250,000 bottle of wine worth $350,000 for oportment, airplane or boat. Must hquidate. 2'

Bfore

the nine. Could I taste the wi ne first?

Af&r:

Because there's only one bottle. So it s a reahy small bottle?

No, it's a regular-size bottle, You're saying

you want to open it and taste it and then

Wc here at (212) 925-5509 dialed the number in the ad and had the following conversation.

What kind ofwine is this?

lt's a Thomas Jefferson 1787 Lafitte. No, excuse mc

a Chateau Margaux.

And why is it worth $350,000?

lt's a ThomasJeffcrson bottle. Its part of his company. lts a piece of histoty ,K'/í4ftcr 4

SPY MARCH 1YS9

Say I had a Cessna I was willing to trade for

rescal ir? Yes.

No wa Then hou' do I know the wine is good?

How do I know the Cessna is good? How do

you know a piece of art is good? They sell Picassos these days for $60 million. How do you know any piece of art is good? Um .

trust?

That's right. Trust.

- Paul Simmu

Tip O'Neill. Cardmember since 1973.

Me,nbersb4ĂŹ has its prlvi1eges

_J . '

1!I2

iid

SQDbj

$S1&au(UL-

1)nĂŹ't icave home without it Call 1-8(I)-luE CARI) to appi):

áfl/a1'(f ('i/i,

TE SPY T'p Ti

SPRING VACATION EDITION 1,

¡h

.l'u.'ii'

A few hundred feet

ments and pictures that will

"[put] you in the

in, but in the movie). Step up on the porch

turc from Lee Harvey's

from the Fountain of

Dallas apartmentbed,

ping posts and old gasa. line engines, as well as o

Youth (sought by Span-

mood" to "completely

and ring the doorbell,

bureau, his actual

wagon, supposedly of

ish explorer Ponce de

understand the assassi-

Fuller brush man-style.

Leon in 1513) stands the

nation of the Presi-

Tragedy in U.S. History

dent." In all, they promise, a visit will be "enjoy-

As you wait for an answer there's plenty of

pocket comb. Concerning this display is o letter from Oswald's sorehead widow saying she wants no part of Buddy Hough or his collection. The museum acquired the assassin's furnishungs directly from Os-

Museum (founded by former gas and oil distributor L. H. 'Buddy" F-tough in 1964), a public

attraction that is, like

able and educational."

In fact, a visit to the smallish wood-frame house is like being a

time to scrutinize the front window displaya toupee-wearing, rifletoting wax figure of Lee Harvey Oswald peering

the Frick, established in a private home but, un-

trick-or-treater at

through the glass, Texas

home where the owners

School Book Deposi-

like the Frick, jam-

have gone all out for

tory-style. He looks like

packed with artifacts from automobile and train accidents, mcm-

Halloween. After pull-

in9 your car into the graveled-over part of

orabilia of the John F.

the front yard, scan the crudely illustrated signs,

Kennedy assassination and a wide variety of an-

tique torture devices. And while the Fricks moved out of their Fifth

Avenue home a long time ago, the Houghs still live in their St.

Duke's TV father.

another letter hung

Once admitted, you are left pretty much on

nearby. The letter

trouble for many years gaining membership in

doesn't mention that

the St. Augustine cham-

your own to stroll

part of the deal for the

bem of commerce. Ac-

even more primitive

through four crowded

furniture was that

cording to that body's

cousins to the primitive canvas banners advertising sideshow freaks; they proclaim the presence within of Famous

rooms and an open area

Hough repair the roof

executive vice presi-

out back. lt's quiet

on hem rooming house

enough to hear through

the walls that the mu-

porch. The museum curators

dent, Coralee Pomar, this was primarily be-

scum curators are watching TV game

nowhere define what exactly they mean by

Movie Star Joyne Mans-

was killed in), President

shows. The indoor collection is dominated by

The tourist guide to

Kennedy's car (not the

JFK murderabiliawith

St. Augustine includes a listing for the institution

one he was killed in) and

a few old-fashioned

Bonnie and Clyde's car

that promises docu-

(the one they were killed

shackles and bear traps tossed in near the exit.

NTIF BAtLET IJANCERS VIERE SUBJECT TO LEASH LAWs?

2i a. rIu

I ).tr i

ltn cr'.

'l!.Lr

.t:.

li itnul

.tri h thvx

in, 'i

t lr' 'U(Ct1,

1220 p.i. L)tiì tr i itd t( .t I rue ( 'Lt idt itil's t li.ttd k. ,I11'h(s lI)tI()fl 2.»

p.s. Rirter h rr .r.tlar IllL1rr.ttu

. I kil' h

t in

l.tri

.tuL lus

.t rest1tur.tnt

ir h hu.t

3:30 p.... Einhrr.tud h.1llrii.1 .tnd Peter tariiìs ,'- . :. et,tlIv lc,tlìu knt ted i )gether; must ast. .JLw tu

U!1Lt11Ie

44 $pY MARCH 1989

roof, in which the starlet died, and the bullet-riddIed Bonnie-and-Clyde

William Shallert, Patty

field's car (the one she

tlII'.,1.l,,', I )tnLtri i. r

Over by the bushes ame the Jayne Mansfield vehicle, with sheared-off

mobile in which actors

museum.

t r. 'in

horse.

wald's landlady, Mary Bledsoe, who vouches for their authenticity in

Augustine, Florida,

: 1.3 a_m. lni n

Civil War vintage, pulled

by a life-size plaster

Henry A/for;

tragedy, or for that mat-

ter American history. It might otherwise make problematic the indusion of old blacksmith

tools and a genuine

pretended to die.

The museum had

cause "no one could vouch for their hours of operation" and bccaus Mr. Hough would "take parts of the museum up at to Gatlinburg will." In 1987 the mu.

scum was finally accepted.

The promised assassi-

whiskey still. Theme's no

The curiously punc

nation-related automo-

question about the

tuatcd flier for this tour-

biles serve as the undis-

video game in the last room, though. It's just

ist spot may explain

putcd centerpieces, though they are weirdly tangential to the event:

for fun. An apparently mum-

tendance: DON'T DARE,

the car Oswald was given o litt in on the

mified corpse, whose tragic place in Amen-

- Steve O'Donnell

morning of November

can history is also unex-

22 in Dallas, a limo Ken-

plained, resides in

in U.S. History, 7 Wi!-

nedy rode in but not in Dallas, and the ambulance that carried Oswald to the hospital ofter he was shot On the wall near the latter is a signed 8 X1O glossy of Red YagerRed Yager, the fateful driver of the

glass case by the back

hams Street. Take Inter state 95 fo State Rood

gift shop. In the fenced-in back-

Street. Admission is $3.50; the museum is

Oswald ambulance.

yard is a weathered or-

open every day from

ray of headstocks, whip-

9:00 am. until dark.

Here too is the fumi-

door.

lt holds a hand-

some of the underatMISS SEEING THIS MUSEUM.

The Museum of Tra gcd

lettered sign asking

16 exit. Go cost scvn

LONESOME TAKE ME HOME

miles. Turn right (south

on San Marco Avenuc

seamless intersection of

(one block east of U.S.

WITH YOU FOR $3000

exhibition space and

1),

then

left on Williams

Jessica Tandy and Hurnc ( r iiviì

( ardtìicmhcrs sincc 1978.

Membership Has Its Privlleges

I)unt tcac hOfllCWiitllOtIt il ( all l-8O- l'li!: (1R/) 1

(1/)/)/

I'74)(f (W.,

Li SMITH

THE

lOTE BUARO ..' ¡1(flt)I)

Barbaro Walters . 7 Elizabeth Taylor .......... 4 Dan Aykroyd ............... 3 Bill Blass ...................... 3 The Carlyle ................. 3 Robert De Niro ............ 3

icone Kirkpatrick ........ 3 Henry Kissinger ........... 3 Henry Krovis ............... 3

Mike Nichols .............. 3 Mike Oviti .................. 3 Sean Penn ................... 3 Robin Williams ............ 3 Tom Wolfe .................. 3

Mery Adelson ............. 2 Brooke Astor ............... 2 Arlene Francis ............. 2 Mary Martin ............... 2 The Liz Smith Tote Board ............... i I

VHY SIIOULDNTTHE MAYOR HAVE HIS OvN D0MINATRIX?

'LI/I)

:'i ['aui: ïhe Koch W'iirkoii4

t 6:15 a.m. three to five days a week, a tall

which is cheating. II I walk our, he may shut off the treadmill. I have to check the mileage meter. Mayoral hand kisses are unseemly enough, but Maria must endure even worse: While he's working out he'll listen to Barbra Streisand on a headset and sing along. His singing is really deadly to listen

bald stroke victim with a pear-shaped body stops ¡n at the pricey Executive Fitness Center. There, on the

22nd floor of the Vista International Hotel, he is put through a 45-minute workout of less than Olympian rigor. 1ts more like baby-sitting than fitness rraining,

to in the morning, especially when he does 'The Way We Were.' Neither a Republican nor a Democrat, Maria has

explains Maria Versella, the 25-year-old fitness ounselor whose job it is to train the mayor of New York City. He once said to me, i'm just like a little child, arent I? And I said, 'Yes, and that's exactly how I'm going to treat you.' He just about sleeps through his routines, con-

a policy of neverevertaking any gulf from the mayor. Instead, when he talks fresh to her, she talks fresh back. The other day he came in and said,

'Good morning, little girl. And I said, 'Good morning, old man. i treat him as I would anyone else. I dont call him Mayor, eithereven though

tinues Maria, a graduate student of exercise physiology. He'll ride on an exercise bicycle with his eyes dosed the whole time. More typically, the grunting,

everyone else does. I call him Darling. The mayor, a member of the fitness center's Gold

moaning mayor will trudge in place on a treadmill for 30 minutes. With a fan cooling his substantial brow, he will trot against a 5.5 percent tilted grade at 4.2 miles per hour (meaning the mayor jogs a slightly-better-than- 1 5-minute mile). Although the

Club ($350 initiation fee, $1,500 annual dues), outfits himself in a club-supplied uniform of blue shorts, snug white T-shirt, white athletic socks, and sneakers. Usually happy to wear silly costumes and

aging politician frequently loses his balance, even at this faintly brisk pace, Maria gives little quarter. He

pose for photographers, he prudently forbids the

kisses my hand in the hope that I'll slow down the treadmill, she says. Then he holds on to the rails,

once, Maria equivocates: He looks interesting. Just say he looks interesting. - Robert Bred;'

,,,..,,,,..v.,,,,v,,v.

My pal Donald Trump . said that spi masazine is in trouble finan-

taking of any pictures during his workouts. For

. .

njT&u n

cially and will not be around much longer. I

chided the handsome mogul, of whom I am very fond

that he

should not indulge in

wishful thinking. He said, No, youil find this is true if you 'ust investigate.

predict

they won't even be around ¡n a year.'"

f:A]

Liz Smith in the Daily News.

September 29, ¡988

1rs,

"I%Ip

46SPYMARCH f989

Spielberg uil/I see YOU new!"

i/c'i

JLICS Clavell. (:ar(Imc'1I)ersincc 1967

/I'Ie?;thelshi/)

Has Its P,ii 'ikgesM

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LAUGHTER, THE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE Today New York Tomorrow Nice, The Hague, Riyadh and Tel Aviv

n a very sincere plea for global peace, we at py believe that world unity can be achieved by talking with one another in the only language we all have in commonthe international language of laughter. So we crafted a manifesto, painting our prose with broad, flag-size strokes rather than the chiaroscuro and gossamer scumbling ofdelicate idiom that mark our usual manner. Subtlety fell victim to our revolutionary zeal. We contacted some of New

gssneddossr Doqjld irxw4p de Vilgaire sei de k.,r: t tigiri ri h: citv-ifeeelgrwd. Syliviter de Slqqv

York's best foreign-language translators and asked them to join us in our impassioned pursuit of this pan-Utopian goal. One diligent expert very carefully and very literally translated the text below

t'ei .vprsv met ip::ihoedess en slobkoq:cs. Elke Ns:ag si ven iuMs isvr,ê :.,i ¿iv! gitffe,Ñiisvai " Hei

fj//qq

îvipsvrd io: 4rt eee((rdrdaglql( reel gv::bi ,i cpetl-Dnh' Wv.it a de b:iriesiltji, aiw s 5I'iiiii the Cvsiiøi SiaIIon. zn,r:, .sl, *.snolrt

L.ai,n.ce Tush. de durrg rai de ¡asir,', "ici hoi euelseq" o)

Lsqasiwc. Tê.ch. ib. d.si4 hiwi

Pli.

Odi,

s,d.n

ih hs,ls .e

ilergeTe /ngrn d.' bswd.rKhap Verte/ges,:. blij/ bi/ hei xi prv«rasnraJ: ks'dbbel 5)1

SP1O

i/s Mli

kirie l::t s .i

he6i.eq roer dv

9() Di: i. lMt qq, orn op de :/o'vi n'o,lrs" te kloppv. de oMde i .,thept,hkfd t, devi, barsten eq iv

/J,vq

a's te ii:qqvq to:f de Gtppvr' -/,giearlik gesprsskes, sric

6vzs: ,re, oh he hi re si-:,r dan vos to chucbkfili.d

kirn sii seu.sidrn.krake,i" mr: cvi flue::uzdr 6'rm' ¿'rire dc ¡p::i. ei fiak-ipls:us-: v'i aide's i, b.w.l.c,iwk.,s

' u4istliø, b.n hiur-kletite, :osRskld:g gvmaak: uit Iii1 elkaar pssisevsde s':erkaisqvs

into French. Then the French version was translated by another lVvrs Jajrvm eve irsdel." AÑqi,eer i bi o skilled professional into Dutch, the Dutch into Arabic, the Arabic into Hebrew and the Hebrew back into Englishuntil the quin- ARAIK: a . _ ._: "--- 't_ . . . A..w i,wsUw. lis i wyf.k 5w. I«ss - hi wyk. bolfi tuply translated py manifesto of peace lit up the globe like an i Siww« Hiwi: b4*4OOfl C. :- . bsn.yrcssiMi. w' ceich hi. aurora borealis of mirth and good cheer. In retrospect, maybe this V.,.. If vid. e aies. end i,. ke.e. sed ,see i. Sumes ¡uSuel. siw.iw.ft We -wekj,rn.: wasnt such a great idea. .5 Th.,.f.i. . q.s

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magazine: Smart. Fun. Funny. Fearless. And, we don't mind adding, the only antidote to the nutty, head-spinning whirligig ofdaily life in this or any international megalopolis, each issue a virtual Swiss Army knife of postmod journalism. Fed up ENGLISH: spy

with short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump and unbearable Play-Dohfaced homunculusaction toy Sylvester Sly Stallone? Want the inside line on high-domed garden gnome Laurence Tisch or marionettish former frat-boy Dan Quayle Then get with the program now: pencil in SPY on your shortlist ofmust-haves for the nineties. lts time to hit the gridiron, toss the

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old pigskin around and win one for the Gipperfiguratively speaking. spy's got more pizzazz and panache than a barrelful of

;'sivy 'y' fl?'

monkeys in top hats and spats. Every issue is a brand-new chucklefestchock-full of over-the-top, whiz-bang gut-busters, sidesplitters and other assorted scrupulously fact-checked knee-

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slappers. So don't be a dork. Subscribe now. ENGLISH AGAIN: spy's magazine: closet, bad joke and anecdote.

,D4c* ag.t

Pfos E1r,,: Arkum,',: iw;aN. ftdoiiii purr'

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II.n$. Au, .IIHISIMIfW. AmwsM,. L... .,,usd.0 a tóunuqwr: .s hi irotx r ¡eu' de qiveiiztIIv de la sir

I (IprIl ,, dJIt,OP?JRt

6kr55J1ilY dr ,u, ii toNte diet', meaI'poI:i ,ivterwatviivaír C.h.sqMe tort:, is,, I th. only .s,ftd.ts t. 5h. u,s.4ss.d.d ,ø.olviis, 4... .f di.5.ø .f d.iy 1sf q

Lcss comuwre. Was not a mirage donc in addition flew against and on the single metropolis, spinning on its axis shaped like the

oMisas, r triad de

head of a stick to the song of love for everyday life to this or any

Ia'wqet q,iiv Jq joir,isI:i,ie dv wods pouvrleisrr Noirrs ris h.iut p.sr D.sId Trw'sp Ir Vulgaire .mx

other big city. Any exit to drowning a real Swiss army to methods

eekrt

£SOS1J C,

pr Is !'' .1

. ::on.

y/sstrr .f, StiIloqe.'

isssiilis, . 1tsr;zepportbI, s tssge dr s 5t, -Wily- SIsUIsI

Jokv-Ddh I'.'i loisir: ¡a /iglu I intasear, ¡se, Lakreike Tuch. ¡e gsrssv dc jard:is Is.iq:,-d..ws', nIq, w,t(

R,tr7Qqett, oasi Qse.iylv. gar'o

sursessr Jr ¡a Fra:rns,te>is

of the popular press. A restaurant above Donald will welcome

the vulgar with short fingers and game of labor. Sylvester Cheater Stallone as a muscle to an unreasonable point in a form

b.y of 1h. k.*.sIs..d mr Iotrr ceirt, (life dis obisgét

of a mixed game: if you want an internal line to Laurence Tisch

d.s,'cur poe' Is's 90. C.,: ll.r de .ogv' iùr la grill, dc Jet. de fain s.si:s'r la stalle pea. Je csrhosr

like the embarrassed bride Dan Quayle son of the seventh brother.

E'v,h,k,

(t deq

J)rZ .sse

le /'rvgYJJ'SA$

v.,:sstriJi

(rdoKsxfZ t ESPION

ig'srr NW ps,q, le Gsppe' -figrsetIs'emtIst prlasvt.

tss'it» a

plie: d oli l.

l e: le pah

qkkns £imqsse ple:t de ,sise, vis shssprsex de sommet it g'trrJ. Chasis iritis r,! usarqNe ¿e fei::s4 dv g/oNiuiasesu; Cale ple:ssr de s 4iie-oy.i1X

dii 64J7

JIffiJIt5 /'J

NRC sTolssvlle

Icisii le

Following this leave the nations plans: mix the spy on your short height to rich people's world, forever to the nineties. This will be the hour to hit on an iron tool, to blast the old pigskin and

s wh4i5liusg b.is

JrviJh .iiiOrttj o sqhft..s .1 th .dei sed oth., bon,. .1 kiwi Alcr is soyez pa soir uit/Ir ' Soktirzle: isasntrqaist

de /cstdeiri dv ;ieJ .. ¿trvs laqq,wrs de gessois' faits u rpklrasieiseist r

you will have one to the man. The spy to him is more La-Ri-Ra

and methods from a barrel high above the others. Any exit place

d.øl b. .

will be a new sign for a festival of laughter. A waiter signaled with DUTCI+ spt(n.

isagassse Eleait

imkir"seirt Ami.sss: M,ssder srsk F* isv snakri

;frook

i And w. más sso bwii do." bet ,n:e :eges,gsfbij te toegen a.i.v be: drze&k rite: 'site's sa dr ,vrw i.e's ui ip:ivi:s.kkop s.s.s ne:

d.sgvlstk. ¡rien sun dv:,

File

s:g

veigv aulne :irer,,dt,os,a/c esrt.ilop.lvs.

«n eh: mii ,an ha Zu:ticrse ¡sgr sais sidsioqrssali,:sk je hirns., &syq.aan

48 SPY MARCH 1989

interest to bombs at strict accuracy with empty hands on a narrow

position and slaps knees of others manufactured with concern.

Therefore don't be drafted. Take for granted the nation's cooperation.

Paul Sirnrns

For a taste of DeWilder life, try the new Wild Fling: 1½ oz. WilclerBerry,' 4 oz. pineapple juice and a splash of cranberry juice over ice. Like anything that gets mixed-up with DeKuypei; it's DeFinitely out of DeOrdinary

DeLiciously DeKuyper Mq?Ç.n1ias.mc1 L*ywur. 5fl.aI TO thd hJbn D.«uvperai,d Sai. E3mnd PIao.OH III Thwwi ajfl ot I)oXuvpr nui M42.$ÀI,L 1E n,, I $&NBE.THRE(w,i.1 where prohnhiled by law)

flip out.

It's the world's first Print Video lhke it out. Give it a flip. Or if this one is gone, get. yours wherever DeKuyper is sold.

i ?If/

THE FYIN j),,.,, e,.,

VALLEHUAS: FAMOUs AERIALISIS? I?cì,,

; (J'i. (./'du?is. IflIt,,n. !c ;

'e! .St'

:..,; :

Basketball Playeri and Practically Everyone Eise in These Precarious Times?

veryone knows who the Flying Wallendas arc. Or do they? We

Ann-Morgret. it seems. used to be a Flying Wallenda, and was

conducted a random survey and found considerable disagreementand learned, moreover, that while few are born, many are

able to draw upon that experience in playing the tragic belle

called

Flying WaHendas.

Edwin Diamond, New York's media critic, contends that Newsformer top editors were the Flying Wallendas: Osborn Elliott, Kcrmit Lansner and Gordon Manning . . . along with their senior editor colleagues, became known as the Flying Wallendas week's

Rep#b/w, February 28, 1983). Scott Ostler of thc Los Angeles Ti,,ies disagrees. He says the

«he Neu

Jacional Basketball Association's Dallas Mavericks are the Flying Wallendas: (Abdul-Jabbar's) shoukkrs have become a launching pad for fRoy) Tarpley and the Flying Wallenda Mavcricks (Los

May 31, 1988). Me! Gussow. Off-Broadway theater critic for The New Ywk

4ngeIesTéiies.

Tirns, has his own opinK)n. He argues that the little-known clown

is a singular Flying Wallenda: Srrapping wings to ius elbows, rippling his muscles so that they can be seen up in the balcony, he is a Flying Wallenda abotit to jump from the EifFel Tower' (The New York fimes, October 1 3, 1 98 i). A fashion writer at the Los Angeles Times isnt sure but thinks .Lc(ress Cloris Leachman might be a Flying Wallenda. Cloris Leachman . dashed clown the aisle so fast that she looked like a Flying Walknda. But a pretty one (L'is unge/es Times, June 10, Jango Edwards

1988).

Roger Neal of Forbes is defensive when it comes co his opinion .ibout who belongs in the Flying Wallendas. Lee Ault IlI, be writes, is as much a Flying Wallenda as a businessman (Forbes, 'ovcmber?l. 1983). UPI wont say directly who the Flying Wallendas are but is tonfident that rheyre the sort of outfit one obscure midwestern stare4egislator would feel comfortable in. 1f the Flying 'X1a1lendas need a new recruit, [Indiana] state senator Patricia L. Miller has earned the job (UPI Recional News. March 9. 1988).

TEN YEARS AGo

Blanche DuBois. Dealing with her torments, her repressed desires and her dreams has been a little like being a Flying Wallenda, she said (The New York Times, August I 4, 1983). Some people won't say who the Flying Wallendas are, but they arc swift to find Flying Wallenda-ness in themselves and others. Movie Producer and Rocky costar Talio Shire claims she and her

husband, Jack, are Flying Wallendas: We are the Flying Wallendas of movie financing' (UP!, April 3, 1986). Art spud Jamie Wyeth told The Christian Science Monitor that he and his folks could also be Wallendas when their works arc exhibited together: We . . . have always fought against having shows like this. . . Its sort of like (being) the Walkndas of painting' (The Christian Science Monitor, July 8. 1987). Reporter Jerry Knight thinks that arbitrageurs. greenmailers and leveragcd-buyout specialists are Flying Wallendas: Takeover strategists [are) the Flying Wallendas of high finance (The Washington Post, September 13. 1982). Finally, Bryan Miller, restaurant critic for The New York Times, insists, 'The estimabk Rostang clan from France [are) the Flying Wallendas of French cuisine (The New York Ti,ne.c, January 8, 1988). There is one man who knows who the Flying Wallendas avi't. Loyola Marymount basketball coach Paul Westhead, the former coach of the Los Angeles Lakers whose bring was engineered by Magic Johnson, acknowledged after a game against the University

of North Carolina, We werent the Flying Wallendas today,' leaving open the possibility that he thinks that on other days they may be (Los Angeles Times, March 20, 1988). Ironically. Karl Wallenda, the now deceased patriarch of the Wallenda clan, disliked the name Flying Wallendas because it connoted trapeze work, which the Wallendas (lidnt do. He much preferred The Great Wallendas. Eddie Steni Too late now.

tòke t'Jet o-k C'tY'S fòO5 cb\S

C'n

SPY

arid Lìai.

b0t&°-' bus t0u.

"A reputation as a sexual adventurer has dogged Bush, and the rumors are sure to gain momentum as the moderate Bush prepares to run against a phalanx of rightwingers (Connolly, Reagan, Congressman Phil Crane) in next winter's primaries and caucuses. Bush has been linked romantically with everyone from a longtime aide to a Timos journalistand, less believably, to o young Indiana Republican congressman named J. D. Quayle."

from "Lillian Carter's Gonorrhea and Other Wacky Washington Rumors," by David Owen, SPY, March 1979

ARAB AI.ARM!

The OPEc

chemo to Seduce York Cít)

. ..-; C

tAR( H ''ì SPY ';

Go Fish Pan1l:?i' /iir

Spare (J;ançc in

ía,i/itlani l',,iiiíiii

nce upon a tinic I1anhattan's fountains ghtrercd with a wealth of submerged pennies. nickels and quarters the oprornetallk spo left by wandcring bands of wish-makers and peniìv-a-sho drauiers. But tlwn. (or Sorne reason, people stopp<d making wishes. N1a we Ios( the childlike sense of wonder and gullihditv that OflcC led us to make wishes. Maybe loose change got scarcer. But whatever reason, one t1iins tor sure: aiiatk Coin-prospecting in midtown Manhattau isn't what it was hack in 49.

Paramount Plaza, Broadway and 51st Street

Thick meringue of green foam over drains; watchful eyes of sweating aerobicizers in adjacent Living Well Lady Fitness Center

[)csptte obvious presence of two pennies iii tountain, building manager denies that people ever throw change

Four pennies In prohibitively deep water

'There's a mechanism in the fountain that makes it so that no one would want to jthrow coinsl, says a sPokesman. Mechanism' involves a lot ofpipes and things'

Money thrown into fountain (as much as 12 cents a week) funds maintenance of fountain and, presumably, the notorious mechanism'

Exxon Building, Sixth Avenue and 50th Street

Six pennies

Coins accessible only by wading through soggy leaves and unnaturally white foam

Custodian can keep whatever he finds, though 'a lot of it's taken care of by the local characters . who make a tour very early in the morning'

McGraw-Hill Building, Sixth Avenue and 48th Street

A single penny

Volkswagen-size stainless-steel model of solar system in fountain disorients wouldbe prospectors, as do watchful diners in adjacen BeanStalk restaurant

Despite empirical proof, building manager insists people never throw money in fountain because it's 'not a wishing well'

Tropic Zonc waterfall in Central Park Zoo

Seven pennies, two nickels, numerous bird droppings and dead insects

'Monkeys, crocodilians, snakes, hats, insects, free-flying birds, and many other tropical species,' according to brochure

Even though coins (as much as i 7 cents a week) go into zoo's petty cash, zoo discourages tinaulicited projectile contributions, which arc 'bad for the animais.' Spokesperson also notes that the zoos 20 bodies oí water 'arc not wishing wells'

IBM Plazas

Slice can, cigarette

Rushing water, wet garbage

Levitatcd

butts, paper bags, foil-wrapped hail

Cleaning crew permitted to keep change, hut cultured PR person notes, 'It's not the Fountain olTrevi'

Extremely easy access causes fierce competitiofl among coin-(lredgers

Spokesperson says the fountain is 'more or less selfcleaning; passersby usually take care of the change. Also travel'savvy he adds, k's not like the Fontana di Trevi

Precipitous drop to fountain necessitates rappelling gear

-I don't think there's a policy set for that,' says a

Lincoln Center, Broadway arid

63rd Street

Mass fountain. 56th Street and Madison Avenue

Bethesda Fountain, Central Park

1\v

ptiintc'

it, saying, Nope. Nope. Nope

sandwich. one penny

Bottle caps

Prometheus Fountain, No coins visible Rockefeller Center

Steuben Glass reflecting pool, Fifth Avenue and 56th Street

Approximately cents in assorted

Trump Tower Atrium, Fifth Avenue and 56th Street

Lots of pennies, nickels and dimes

coins

Rockefeller Center spokesperson, who made no mention ofthc Fountain of Trevi

Forage at your own risk: construction workers across Fifth Avenue may he tempted to pitch life-threatening, high-velocity pennies from 53rd floor

'On the average, we collect about six dollars a week,' the building manager says. 'At the end of the year we give it to the Salvation Army'

Change can be rcahed only from a single fountainside table at Bistro caf

Every one to three weeks, fountain cleaners collect about s 18 in small change. Trump employee says money is

donated to Unïtcd Cerebral Palsy and the Ilice Athletic League, or any charity that comes to mind, (hen adds, 'I don't know why I'm so cooperative with you guys when you always write such garbage about us. I guess I should'vt

said it goes straight into Mr. Trump's pocket, right"

Paul 2 SPY MARCH 989

"'y-

I)L!vER PEOPLES

(1.

.'a

C i

A R E T T E

SPY's REviEws You CAN U

O?) :/i

'('UP!

U ¡ti' \fr

(?(I hI4r(I lOtS 01 JeCb1C S.Ly tILt M(I.tt)I(: Griffith, thc griveI1y voiccd star of

vervone knows ahoui the honorable tradition t1flOfl show people of sliing

and WiiAjiiç Girl.

Into theaters at Intermission in order to cath a PliYS seu)Ild att. Once UOfl a riFfle. a penniless actor would do this iii ordc-r to see :h work. Todas', e'en though

Yo"icthing

li'.//

s;noIkrI on -scrcn

;

fl( )

v( underst and

wha( (htV iiu:.tu. .

Io?Jd-A(ïtr

SEAT AVAILASILITY: (UR)(l

AuDiicE Htiuii*ss IN EXPLAIIING STORY k

FAR: Excellent

A guy shoots himself in die ear an thcn che rt:inors scart. explains ale whos in town (O learn about tolletring an at Sotlwl,vs. Its alniost too funn 1w

Ie1anie Griffith sits 'i ria Hoor . . ()flÇ Igarerrc tri in hu Iiit . . Sh: cxhaks .* toluinn ut II1Ik(. . . Lets put it this jy. Grilfith ,ays. akitg a long (Irag . S1(. ttfl)S her izarcrte. . . flkLs ari invisible spxk of cobJc(o troni

Anieruan cheater is dea1. actors still sneak In for Iree - and now t) a:i l.eave VOLIt ovCr(nat att honie. folti ali old P/aim/I Ufl(lCr your ariil and bring .ilong i transiLicelir 1'1aSt LIp. Arrive at

know abotit thc- shooting and some (IOn t.

Prepijure. Dcceniber

the theater a kw minutes before th end of tue first at t and loiter in Iront. out of view of the lobby staff. liiig1e with the rovd

THE WoRK: Some good bits. but not enough timi: in tlit sei.ond act ( SQ minutes) (leVlO the tharacters fully. (:on°enieticl though . Si mon accom inodates lateome

Iighcsng

hcr lip afl(1 rciLglirs. 1988

Shc was stiiokiig a long In(rlthoI ciga-

rrte. . . On the floor ixt to the hair lay .

pack of cigarettts. an tshtr.iv. Iictwecii .tppli(atIoflS ot brush .iiid sponge. lit . Shy haLf lwr ugaretics. \X(: had an ashtr.iv. . . She l.nightd and put Utit her cigarette. - D(1I1i.. 1)eteinbcr -January 1989 liti

slic.

tir.

drawls WItll4flIt sarcasm.

I leres how:

Sonic of the guests at the dinner par

thai spills our ()flt() the street tor fresh air at intermission . t lieti stride ptiTl'IOSCIUI Iv into

says a young nian in a tweed jak& Therç's a lot of slapstitk.

- 411(1 dull-wirted first-aut-rs - by having

the liibbv with sour cup in hand. Hang

the characters reap the entire plot as the

artflifld unturtiveiv and wait until the last possible moment co take an available seat.

SC(011il act Opelis.

Figuring (Rl! the plot so tar sla)L1lclr1t be a trLIetii, especially for those acctistozne&l tI)

Oiie in a dream movie. she lit a black dgirett& ith gold tip. I .tlw.ivs l:ghr ii igarer (('. i r h a gold ip. 1ie explained. Lanr I iive tile tip io thc %vaItet. - ì%F'ic': .z' Fzl,:. March I 988 t

- .%Id,k .zl/;er

spy SHOWCASES TOMORROWS STARS TODAY

Wttt hing TV with a rniote-control deenjoy the satisting (eel-

'ice_ Seule in ins

I11(l

ihtr votire one up on th

orthodontist Silt lug neXt

Peapack

i)U.

The following is a up sheet tor getting tV() fiore 01 less Lurrent Broadway shovs ncither nt which is a sellout. and OIIC nl vhkh. 1r. seoiid-A«cr (cars. ni.i 001V be avuilalile through Peter Alkils private Video Iibrar l.y the iinc this issLie Into

print . hrlwr va. Mr. Seond-Atcr I)ror11lss: Your c' enhlig OU dic town viIl (eel ligluer. brecicr. lcs filling.

PLAY: ¡.4'g.f Diamond. scarring Peter Allen -

Mark I lel!inier Theatre. 'Vest 5 1 st Street RGULAR TICKET PRICE (ORciiisTltA): $5(i FIRsT ACT CURTAIN: t).

USIR AURTNIss: Nonexistent I)

SCCS

pLY BiLL

7 p.m.

SeCOND ACT CURTAIN Up: 9:34 l'

is completely unguarded.

S(AT AvAILAIIUTy: Very good

\';'hcn I ask if I may nhuvC down. an usher shows me to a seat iO front row oenter. Other open seats can be tooth left rear of orchestra.

MAJOR TOM

AUDNCE HELPFULNESS 14 EXPI.ANUNG STORY SO FAR:

ileUtllLlSLaStIt.

Iitt-rinission ero(I doesn't seem to Igl

R#,,mr.t - Broadhurst Sirnon Theatre. 2.5 WCSC 44th Street Pu..y: Nei I

r4S

REGULAR TICKET PRicE (ORcHESnA):

I()

FIRST ACT CURTAIN: 9:04 p.m

kCOND ACT CURTAIN Up: 9: I H pin. USHER AURTNEss: Moderate

Did

a man with a large tre

head replies. Not muLh. A lot happeiwd biir ir doesni inarrer. Costumcs are great. but Id rather him ai Radio City, says a man with a earring.

]he lone guard in tue 1ohh' is a short gray mati dressed in an old-fashioned

THE WORK: Halfhearted plot and lavis

brown LIO ilorm , ilK I udirig a laL1f1ur-styIe

high-entertainment-value second act an One that SeemS USt right at half the k-ngtl of rue normal Ligs. - Skte S/oil

cap with s.ut:rniui stitched across ts brim. Hc glares. )'(t remains inert. 54 spy MARCH 1989

'ery good spirits. To the lLIcSt10

ITIiSS aiiything

\'egas-v pro(luction numbers make to

West

East

Brain.

Your West Brain wants: Light. Air.

Your East Brain wants: Hard-nosed

Unique living space. Surrounded by the wonderful neighborhood life of the West Side. The Boulevard offers it all. Plus: a 75-foot pool, squash and racquetball courts,exercise room, steam room,

value. Financing. Parking. Convenient

Q1 IflQ CI mr, In n trr'i-

.UILM .L4LILLI11b

transportation. Building Security. The Boulevard offers it all. Plus: Brazilian cherrywood floors, marble baths, Eurokitchens, top-of-the-line appliances, humongous closets, at these common-sense prices: ALti

rJ ,

}JWJL!JU11I

for grown-ups and kids, landscaped roof garden, stunfling lobby with doorman

and concierge.

tif

RJt'ND5 .

LTH cLuBs;5OClM4CEP\\\ 6RUNCH

-- T ';ijslc .

-,.

-_L

i ART

PARhIHG

TRANSPORTAT\/

.1_ _

One-bedrooms from

?4(.\ $175,400. Two-bed-

tra"-

rooms from $312,900. Three-bedroom duplexes from $559,400. One, two and fourbedroom duplexes also available. Call Ms. Spayer for an appointment:

(212)874-8686.

Sponsor: Broadway 86th Streei Associates, do Eichner Proper ties. Inc. Some servkes may not be available at closing. Parking available for a fee; space limited. This is not an offering where prohibited by law. The complete offering terms are in an offering plan available from Sponsor. CC87-050. Prices subject to change.

R t) UL ON BROAD At last, a both-brainer.

ve sales and ng agent:

JAMES CHARLES STEWART, INC.

:: :

I. (#tafl)(

: - : :: : :::::::::::: : :.: :

: . : :

: : :

: . . . :

. :

: :

:.: : : : : : : : :.: :

:::

: :

::::

: :::: : : :

((/7

i:isivi .%....

..,

T:p,ie.c

activities that exist within its own walls. Hello. Arthur! lndeed, the Timer is a newspaper that saw nothing amiss in the marriage of John Corn'. for years the pa-

¿1agazI?w SttW meccings

pers (hid critic of nonfiction television

word made its way

programning. ro Sonia Landau. the chairman until two ears ago of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. the i. hid supplier of nonlicrion television programming.

here was an all bu audthic, sigh ol rclie(

breathed by those who

.,ittcnd cerain .1%

through rhe dingy offices tha

J1(ideS

editor

Ku hIlltrsI)Il was Ieavil)g to betonw CX(1(Iti.e vdi(or ot 1lpthaitap,. zn. Erncrsons coIIcagll(s xviII no doubt miss his special bran(l ()I VitttlO%() bu!1'kiSsiflg - a skill honed over s'ears oÍ osculation at the backsidc ol bis mcntor. deposed TiPlleI 1agazz?l(

editor Ed Klein. ( Ruin-kissing does have

its rçwards. however: ii was Klein who sugesred to I%lfn/,aIIafl. i,i. editor (..lay l:clkcr that Lmcrson would be just the sort ol l)rI)wnnosing toad . . . whoops, I/i2I u io Ji). . . . stalwart . independent editor Felker vas looking for.) Although tlw .kparttirt of an egrc.gious favor-curricr is alwsys cause br celebration ;trnting rhc nascs at nw Tiniri. it is nut the 50k eXplatflatiofl fist the guarded elation.

l:merson. it scçnis. is such an on-the-go sornethiiig of a repur.i-

The Times is a paper that promotes Martin Arnold - who, like Emerson. had served years of bum-kissing fealty under

Klein at th magazine -- w the powerful post of cornlntlnications cear. in diarge ut both television and publishing ioverage. hie paper evidently sees no problem 4it all

in Arnolds live-in arrangement with Kathy Robbins. a prominent New York agent with a lienc list of media maneuver-

ers including \illiani Pale and former journalIst Tony Schwartz.

Last year Carol Vogel. a dign reporter at t)w paper.

and caramel nibs in the omniunal (andy tray before he arrived. When he did. hed thrust his hand into the sweets di%h in

to shop ir elsewhere. She first sought the

quest o his beloved M&Ms - whereupon a wave of sudden, silent confection uninter-

broach the idea of selling the piece elsewhere to Warren Hoge. editor in charge of freelance permissions at the Times. Hoge refused Vogels requesta verdict that her agent might well have suspected all along. Her agenrs naine is Kathy Robbins.

est would overcome his colleagues. The socially unredeeming entertainment

portion of this column finished. now bak to the subject that has lately informed this page: che Timers willfully erratic applka-

valuable Tirnei brownie pointsgood t

ward

further frecltnec permi

by including in licr story flattent mention of che flrneis own eflorc in ti

sions

area . The Sophistiaud Tra: tier.

After culture reporter Leslie Bennett who had been at the paper for a decad wrote about (.hes. (or Vanity Fair. slit. w invited iflt() Hoges cell ton a proper dre ing-down. ihough the door was losed. audible was his pique that fragments old conversation were heard out in che ne room. Hoge told Bennetts that this was first instance bed eier encountered uf wrircrs wishing to write elsewhere. \X'h

Bennerts pointed out than lied granu freelance permission to another writer e

zinc Law no reason to run it; Vogel decided

ical breath and at the same time earnit

lier that day. Hoge reportedly said. A you Calhflg ,?le 1 I:ar.' The next day CXCCLItIVC editor M

fevered grabs tor che assorted gunitny fish

-I-

and was .L)parcIiclv giveti the goahead on it. But the subject was off her Lilie

beat. and so she was told that she would have to work on it nights and weekends. Which \'ogel did. Because ir wasnt a story about Middle Last geopolitics. the maga-

lar tiore d isti rigti islied corn petitor. Con \t5, irazeIer. Anderson managed the ne (eat of committing this thoroughgoing et

igi.jcsted a story to the niaga-

tion (or neglecting his posttoilet toilette. And so at the stafF meetings oLleagties would assemble earls' in order to niake

I:. ,

sideline when she l)r)(ltic(cl a witherit story tor the paper on Trti:eI & Leuun

counsel of her agent. who told her that

before shc did anything she ought to

Frankel. a mati even more obsessed b

subject of his staffs freelance cndeav

than his predecessor. Abe Rosenth Posted on the newsroom bulletin loar.i particularly vindictive memo abuut 1k ncrt%s transgression . Bennetts short thereafter oined a distingu islie I iressï of young and youngish TIme5 talent wi have left nbc paper and became a (('mn

uting editor at 1/anit Fair. But then. t il?ie.i has always had a unique lidlity f bullying its most talented reporters. h mer TV-heat reporter Peter Boyer was a

non of its own conflict-of-interest guide-

Metro section reporter Susan Heller Anderson is one of the forwnates who

parently hectored nor because tn exui from his hook. Who Killed CBS?. appear

linesguidelines that seem to place greater importance on the extracurricular writings

have been granted permission to write elsewhere in her case. for T'wrc'I ô Leiskrr.

in l/a',ity Fair last year but because wasnt written in bloodless Tirnt.r style.

of is reporters than on the near-corrupt

Unfortunately. she did not disdose this

-J. .1. lhilJ(v4

56 SPYMARCH 1989

KENTUCKY i p

®UFE®N ME AND MY GRAND-DAD

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H e was a doctor I'kc [)r. Kildire s He sts a Ii,uut- site rrusrcd. Hc was a doctor U) whon si, had paid lors and L)tS of rnoiwy.

For the last (our weeks Jane I)ot (not lier ra1 namL). a 32var-oId fashion consultant. had betL visiting the Park Avenue ()ftkcs of Rolcrr Gilkr. t.D. nutrItionist co the stars. vitamin disi,enser to New Yorks elite hypochondriacs. author of the bestselling 1)00k ?ir1ediclI i'e1.ikeover. Hv had diagnosed sorts of fool allergies she never knew she had by administciiìg a blood test and carefully - .ririiiJiis/Ij - analyziii a scr.tnd of her hair. To oiitio1 her cravirgs for sweets. he had prescribed a botk of chromium pills. Costing around S2() anc ct)nvtinentiv sold right in his very own And 1w liad ziven her lnvga(lOsvs of vittmin (.. She bL(I l)CgLlfl to feel more alive. ht,tlthicr. . . That s. until she had suddenly been rusliid to the em&rgency room btxause Licr body vas puffing up like 4t sotiffl. Strange, she had th()Utht to herself. she liadnt had an allergic reaction like this in six yearsand bow odd tha: it had happened only four veeks aUer she had heun seeing Dr. Gilkr. And now she was reading an till

article in Tbe New York Ti,,,e; about how to recognize a disreputablt fltltritiúfli%t. written by the first lady of personal hcalch liersell. Jane Brody (sec Eat. Drir.k and Re Merry But Sparingly.

62). As I)oe ticked oII niorç and more of Br()dvs warning signals that relaed to Dr. Oilier. such as the hair teSt and rli expensive. offke-sold vitamins - it all began to make sense. She thought she heard a sound :n her riiinds eir. lt w.is the SOUnd duck mtkes. IWo weeks later. on IIav , I 988. Patients of yet another a of (liet books. most notably Dr. Brer.r Imm,mc Poze r Dirt, got .t scare from the Dail) :\eui. The paper announced chat a big fit probe was heitig C.)IldUCtCd by the New York Stette Department signals

ot Health into the lratice of Dr. Stuart Berger. prompted by complaints troni several former patients. The doctor. it seemed, had been issued a subpczia asking to turn over not just the 111121

tiles of the l)ttRfltS but also the tiames 1tiid addresses of everyone whod V.Orkel for him Strice 1983. (As ufjanuary. the investigation is proceeding; 1)r. Bergers practice remains open.)

Despite their suspect methods, both Dr. Gilkr. in his late I)r. Berger, in his mid-thirties. have found a loyal

forties,

Ifl(l

and nieziihvrs of the ruling families ot several continents. Mor spe(iti(allv. they have been Ireiie Papas. ballerina-actress Lesti l3rune. Bella Abztig and Roberta Flak. Mrs. Joe l3ologiia (Re nc..I. Taylor) has in the past witnessed loi l)r. Berger. using sud credil)itity-bi)osting platforms as Tht 1)'n./ne S/.'oze.

But most of Dr. Berg&s and Dr. Gitler's patients are no famous. just as most of the rcople who eat at Elaine's or go to Vai

aren't \Voody Allen or Jack Nicholson. The majority of thes patients are drawn from New Yorks sizable population of au eilt

willing to grasp onto any novelty in the health. beaut and fitness fields - willing ro pay any price and endure any pro cess. no matter how humiliating, in order to stave off decay. Likt used cars passing through one repair bay after another, they whilt their days in OffCC5, gyms and salons, hoping to emergc vL)IIIefl

spanking new. Doctors Berger iIi(i (uiller have latched on to this gravy train and become rieti themselves by wr:ting diet hooks, appearing on talk ShOWS and expanding their private practices juti) clic most

elite and most necrotic social and celebrity circles. For these tWo caring profssionals unlike so many of their remote colleagues - patients arc more than just amalgams o symptoms and insurance forms; they are friends the people the good doctor1 socialize with, the people they summer with. the people- whc introduce them to other wealthy and celebrated People. people who themselves might very well have multiple allergies or need lkuid vitamin pick-me-ups. This is the nice part nl doctoring. The tough part of doctoring is thc scientificdiagnosticHip. pocratic oath tart. lt is worth noting here that both Dr. Bergem amici Dr. Gilkr arc, in fact, real doctors - thc medical kind. Berger received his degree from Tufts University Medical School and also received a graduate degree from the Harvard School ut Public 1 lealdi (Lredelltials he repeats over and OVet, as if they wert mantras. in his books); he began but apparently never finished residency in psychiatry Dr. Giller's medical degree comes (rom thi

'niversity of Illinois; he served in the Army as a specialist ir preventive mcdicine but especially likes to point to the year ht spent in Hong Kong training as an acupuncturist. Anyone. however - even Paul Prudhomme car. become a nu critionist in New York State; there is no licensing or certificatior T.

process tiere. In fact. ('nC physician recently demonstrated just ho

folløwing of clients who PLY clearly for their advice and treatinents not to mention the putative social standing achieved by heitig sported in their waiting moms. In fLct. although the two doctors have no protssiotial association and (l)fit see cacti other sociall they have created some of the saine patients. I knew he -as a 1uack, 1)LIt i kept returniii. SS t)tie teinak 1's' producer

easy it is to join the American Association of Nutrition anc

Wh)

to The Neu' York Ti,,ìtj

tO Dr. Giller. She goes on to pr1)Iably more w the Point - Did )'()U know Bianca Jaggers a client?

In addition to Jagger. Dr. Giller has had many other clients known less for their common scuse than for. as the siying goes. being k,wun. George Hamilton. for instance, and (ornier substance al)t:SCrS Liza Minnelli. Judy Collins ¡LtId Carrie Fisher. Mikhail Baryshnikov felt he needed Dr. Gilkrs vitamin supplements to keep hini dancing, .tnd Los Angeles Laker Karcein Abdul-Jabbar soug)n treatment troni Dr. Giller for migraines. Dr. Bergers patients are no slouches, either. They are. he in (Ifle of his hooks, tllm and television celebrities, major ocr brokers from Wall Street. corporate heavy hitters . . worldrenowned artists, musicians, in tel lectuals, Professional athletes, .

60 SPY MARCH 1989

Dietary Consultants b sending in a S5() check and an applicatior on bchalfof his dog; soon alter, the dog was accepted for member'

shii. (Dietitians, on the other hand, are required to follow specified course of study and are certified in New York State h) the American Dietetic Association. Indeed. the ADA compiainec in I 986 that there has been a dramati increasc in the number of unqualified nutritionists who dupe th public with gimmicks and quackery. ) In their books, neither Dr Berger nor Dr. Gitter claims any official status as a dietitian oi nutritionist; nor would they or their oices supply any professiona associations. (just come and see him. one ol Dr. Bergers recep tiOfliStS told a SPY researcher she mistook for a potential patient 'All the best people see Interestingly. the t'o doctors have niuch in common besides

best -sellers. Iiigli-pwfile patients and an casi y exploited specialty. Both of their careers. tor instance. have thrived on otierinmz cures for the widest-ranging ofsymptoms - symptonis St) common as te

guarantee a plentiful pool of patients. According tu) Dr. Gillers

book, Medical Makeover

if you suffer from headaches, afternoon

fatigue, inability to concentrate. sleeplessness, depression {or) sus. . . your body may be trying to warn you of future chronic disease. (Your body may also be warning you that

ceptibility to colds

you live in the late twentieth century.) Stress, the complaint of fvor in the 1980s. is a particular bugaboo of Dr. Gillcr's. The best-selling Dr. Bergers immune Pou'er Diet tells its readers that if they sufFer from a whole textbook's worh of symptoms, ranging from jet lag ro flatulence, they very likely harbor hidden allergks, not just the pedestrian ones (cat hair, dust balls, ragweed). Dr.

SLURP Dr. Berger awkwardly demons?rates

Giller also discovers allergies, allergies that are as sophisticated as their wealthy victims, allergies to foods such as endive, mustard seed, paprika. l have very specific allergies that I did not know I

had until I saw hirn,' notes an enthusiastic Bianca Jagger, soundhg like M. Jourdain, MoliĂ¨re's would-be gentleman, who never realized that he'd been speaking prose all those years.

Both doctors have gone in for the hair testing and vitamin

the good life by waving o glass and taking o big juicy

bite out o on unortunote p,ccc of fruit. -

A pasty, pudgy giant who appears to carry at least 250 pounds on his six-foot-seven-inch frame, Dr. Berger in the flesh does not

prescribing that Jane Doe noticed on the Brody warning list, and both doctors frequently prescribe the same regimens for many different patients (yet another Brody caveat). After sacrificing a drop of blood and a strand of hair to Dr. Giller, one patient was cold that she was allergic co milk (among many other things); she later discovered, she claims, chat he tells lots of women theyre allergic to milk." He also administers a lot of vitamin B shots

exactly inspire confidence in his regimenshow, one might ask, could a nutritionist allow himself to become so enormous that his collars cut into his neck like tourniquets? (Dr. Berger declined to

(see A Visit to Vitamin Hell, page 65). A former employee of

one Dr. Berger assertion that few would debate. He likes to tell the story in his books of how, as a lonely boy growing up in Brooklyn over bis family's candy store, he ate his way through childhood and adolesccncc until one night, when he was tipping the scale at over 400 pounds, he found he could no longer fit into his seat at the opera. He promptly started a diet, taking close to four years to lose 2 i O pounds; in the process, he says, he dcvel-

Dr. Bergers said, in an interview with ABC News, L was told to automatically mark them off [allergies to yeast, dairy. eggs and wheati. Half of [the patients) don't even have reactions to these foods.

Both doctors also share a propensity for finding themselves at odds with the medical establishment. The AMA says there is no such thing as antistress vitamins, Dr. Giller admitted cheerfully to People magazine. But I feel that antioxidants help people feel better. He also asserted that while the AMA denies that doses of chromium, one of his favorite minerals, block a craving for sweets, his clinical experience' shows that the pills work (so conclusively, it seems, that he indiscriminately handed a bottle over to me when I mentioned, off the cuff, that I like sweets: Here, he said helpfully,

try I/x.re). In a New York magazine interview, Dr.

Berger whined about the Food and Drug Administration's state-

ment that some of the tests he used to routinely employ are worthless as a way of detecting food allergies, adding that he found it morally roublesome that the FDAs pooh-poohing a test he had already used on thousands of people would affect general opinion so drastically

And there's one other thing that Doctors Berger and Giller share. lt's a factor that, perhaps more than anything else, explains

their staggering success: both maintain offices within walking distance of Le Cirque.

ground-floor oĂ&e is located on Fifth Avenue near 61st Street. Walking into it, one is at first impressed by the r. Berger's

large David Hockney watercolor hanging on one wall (bought on the advice of his close personal friend Leonard Bernstein). But it's the checkout counter, situated in the middle of the pastel-tinted lobby, with its drugstore-style display of Dr. Berger's own line of expensive supernutrients and fiber supplements, that really sets the torte. lt is here that up to 40 patients a day will sit and wait to e Stuart Berger.

be interviewed by spy.) Any fool can lose weight, Dr. Berger says in a promotional video for one of his books. People in concentration camps lost weight, people in prisoner-of-war camps lost weight which is

oped bleeding ulcers and migraines, which led him to study dieting and nutrition. After receiving bis degrees from Tufts and Harvard, Dr. Berger attempted a residency in psychiatry at New York University, but he left, according to various sources, after a clispute with the director; it is unclear whether he ever finished a residency any-

where. Nevertheless, at age 27, Dr. Berger became a media shrink, a lower-rent Joyce Brothers appearing on the Midday show with Bill Boggs to discuss the psychological implications of current events. But it was Dr. Bcrgcrs best-selling books, and subsequently

booming Fifth Avenue practice, that made him the millions he continues to earn today. In i 982, having had apparently no specific professional or academic experience in the field of nutrition, Dt Berger coauthored with Marcia Cohen the hook Southampton Diet the diet that keeps the 'Beautiful People' thin, beautiful and super active. Southampton

Diet promised a weight loss of up to I 5 pounds in two weeks and played profitably to readers social anxieties about l)eing snubbed

by the rich. in Southampton. thin is the name of the game, the book says, and the diet's fame lured many Hamptons residents and many more Hamptons wanna-bes to Dr. Berger's office, which was hastily opened to cash in on the book's success. Seemingly overnight, Dr. Berger became a practicing nuritionist. He began writing magazine articles and a weekly column for the New

Post, which was edited by his friend Roger Wood. Unfortunately, Dr. Berger's new career drew the enmity of his two alma maters. Dr. Jean Mayer, the president of Tufts and for 26 years a Harvard professor of nutrition, wrote in a Wall Street Yo

MARCH 1989 SPY 6l

of another of 1)r. Berger's books, It is my ho) that no future graduate of the Toits Medical School will exhibit little knowledge of nutrition as does Dr. Berger. Fredrick Stat the chairman of Harvard's nutrition department when Berger w a student, has taken the trouble to point out in a televised ne report that Dr. Berger, despite his claims, never cook a sing nutrition course at Harvard. And not long after the publication

J ournal review

BRYAN MILLER, BON VIVANT, VS. JANE E. BRODY, KILUOY Every Friday. Bryan Miller. restaurant reviewer for The Neu York Timti, describes the putative virtues of restaurants around town in an effort to

help New Yorkers better enjoy the pleasures of food and drink. On Thursdays, Jane E. Brody, health columnist for the Times. reports at length the dismal news about some everyday human habit - often the eating of popular foods that has proved to be shockingly unhealthful and, given suf&ient repetition, lethal. Whom should we believe?

At Zarela: Virtually all the appetizers arc recommended. including .

(Frying is) not advisable il youre trying to cut down on fat.

chilaquiles. which

. .

Sour cream .

is at least 18

are frsed tortilla strips overlaid with shredded chicken. cart sour

percent fat, use yogurt rnstead.

cream and white cheddar cheese . . (and) flautas, . . tacS served with fresh guacamole

calories are fat calories.

1n cheddar . . . 75 percent of the Avocados also have a lot of fat.

At Aquavit: A salmon tartar

High fat fish include salmon....

blended with minced oysters is an ethereal briny combination; ditto the sheets of this mildly smoked,

Evaporated skim milk can be

silk

salmon with horseradish

cream (But) the sweetbreads (were) bland and spongy. .

Switch to skim milk.

substituted for Cream. High cholesterol meats to avoid

include all the organ meats brains, sweetbreads . . . and heart.

[is] among the best in town

At Meirose:

...duck. ..

Finally there as a

simple but exquisite roost duck. .

At Raintrees:

Recommended appetizers include . . . grilled fennel sausage. At Sabor: Sabor will prepare a

complete feast around a roast suckling pig for groups ofeight oc more. . . Another winner is coco

quemado, a thick, hot coconut

There are no very lean cuts of pork.

The highest blood cholesterol levels resulted from coconut oil.

Heavy whipping cream is 38 percent buttcrfat

At The Rainbow Room: A . frozen praline souffl6 is

watch-out list.

Chocolote .

icings are on the

As I 've said before, my practice is highly controversial and bast on hypotheses only now being proved in the research laboratories Medical ethics. of course - not to mention common sense us

ally require treatments to be proved efficacious before they a indiscriminately put into practice. To find out what lood sensitivities a patient has. Dr. Berg has done tests in his own laboratory (the laboratory, presumabi where all his hypotheses are currently being proved). In a l9 ABC News report on Dr. Berger, a number of his former empIo' ces revealed that they fabricated test results and got rid of the re slides. (We were told to) throw them out, said one ex-employi

lubricated with hot chocolate sauce.

We mustn't, however, be overly quick to judge Brody as a stick-in-themud. I agree with Dr. Myron Winick, she has written, who says you don't have to abandon fine dining . . . to eat prudently. . . Dr. Winick suggests that you avoid items described (on menusi in any of the following .

terms: buttery, buttered or butter sauce; sautĂŠed, (ned. pan-fried, or crispy; creamed, cream sauce, or in its own gravy; au gratin, Parmesan, in cheese sauce. or escalloped; au lait, la mode, or au fromage; marinated, stewed, basted, or casserole; prime, hash, pot pie, and hollandaise. Other than that, bon appbit! Jarnie Malanowski

All quotes are from the best-selling Jane Brady's Nntrition Book

62 SPY MARCH 1989

revitalize your body's immune system by eliminating the foods i which everyone has "hidden food sensitivities. Once again the medical establishment rained on Dr. Berger parade. Dr. Mayer, the Tufts president and Dr. Berger debunk wrote in a review of Inmune Power Diet that food allergies are rar

diflicult to diagnose and properly treated only by a registeR dietitian. In his defense Dr. Berger has said, 1'he medical esta) lishment has long debated the evidence on food sensitivities. .

sausages.

custard . . . served under a melting glacier of fresh whipped creom. .

seen around town driving up to his favorite Italian restaurants in Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow.) lt wasn't long before Dr. Berger realized that while exploicir people's fears of looking unattractive was profitable, exploitir their fear of death was even more profitable. In 1985, 'ust as ri AIDS epidemic was beginning to frighten heterosexuals, Dr. Be ger published Immune Power Diet. Given the increasingly panici climate, that title alone was enough to cause a sensation, and cl book copped the Neu York Times best-seller list for 1 6 weeks. I fact. Dr. Berger didn't directly address the question of AIDS; 1

just claimed chat his new diet had the power to strengthen an

Avoid . . . hamburger..

At Sam's: The hefty hamburger

Soithampton Diet, American Health magazine declared that the di

was "little more than a semantically upscakcl version of a di concept devised . . . by the late nutrition pioneer Norman Jollifi M.D., when he was working for the decidedly unchic New Yo City Department of Health. None of the naysaying. however, has mattered. Dr. &rge main purpose in life is to he an actor, to be among the rich ar famous, but not helping pcple, says a former employee. Accon ing to a source, around the time of Southampton Diet Dr. Berg began frantically looking for a Hamptons house of his own; I bought one shortly thereafter. (In New York, he lives in a pen house duplex in The Beaumont, on West 6 ist Street, and can I

on the program. He had the disease of the week, another r employee told si'v. One week all his patients had candida (a yea

infection). The next week it was thyroid problems. He doesn know what h&s doing. Indeed, even before she could fini rattling off her symptoms, one recent prospective patient of E Berger's was told by his cheerful receptionist, Yup! Sounds IiI yeast!

J oy Gabel, a former patient of Dr. Bergers, spent rient $2,000 before realizing that he was not helping her. The horn of this is, she told ABC, thar one of the things he told me I w

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deathly allergic to was soy, and the supplement he gave mc ro drink twice a day was soy powder. Dr. Berger's next book. Hou' to Be Your Ou.',j Nutritioni.ri, was

published in i 987. Finally he seemed to be providing a real serviceeliminating the need to see Stuart Berger. With an eye toward exploiting the publics occasional resentment of the medical establishment, the book cries ro play up ยกrs supposedly piofleeting iconoclasm by uoring the hostile reviews garnered by IDilnufle Power Diet, including one that called ir a collection of quack ideas about food allergies. Despite SUCh bravado, patient complaints have prompted the investigation uf Dr. Bergers practice by the New York State Department of Health. Just over a year ago Dr. Berger was served a subpoena requiring him to turn over records as well as provide a description of the ingredients in eleven different manufacturedexclusively-for-Dr. - Berger vitamin supplements with such energetic-sounding names as Power Booster, Power B-90 and Amino Power. According to papers filed by his lawyer. Anthony Scher. the doctor believes the investigation was spurred by insurance companies who disagree with Dr. Berger's methods. As the investigation continues. Dr. Berger not only continues to

practice but has also been promoting yet another new book, the honestly titled What Your Doctor Didu t Learn in Medical School. On The Donahue Show last year. he blasted away at colleagues, accusing doctors of not washing their hands, and urged his audi-

ences to police their hospitals and demand the best treatments such as the ones he provides. or. C i I I e r s

best - sellini Medical Ma,&oz'er

offers a

revnlu-

tionary no-willpower program for lifetime hcaIch. The book, as well as his current high-grossing practice, is based on the discovery that stress causes bad habits and that bad habits cause bad health. Dr. Giller described his unscartling epiphany to Interriew maga-

zinc in 1986: About four or fivc years ago. J noticed that I didnr have as much energy. . . . I noticed I was drinking more coffee . .

having a glass or two of wine . . and eating more sugar and sweets. . . . I thought that might have been contributing ro my .

feeling run-down. What more likely was contributing ro his blab feeling were rh too many nights he spent at Studio 54 in the late 1970s and early '80s, burning the candle with such close personal friends as Jag-

get, Warhol and Steve Rubell. With the aid of his own reatmerits, he continues to lead a glamorous. somewhat fast-paced life. Two summers ago Dr. Giller and Jagger shared a house in East Hampton. Since then, like Dr. Berger. he has been able ro move into his own Hamptons home, and he can be seen touring around eastern Long Island in his pink 1979 Cadillac. 1 wanted something to make me laugh, Dr. Giller says ofthc color. In New York, Dr. Giller lives in a duplex on East 87th Street, filled with the ubiquitous Warhols. One member of the early-eighties New York demimonde remembers visiting the doctors pad for a party and being struck by the pornt flhovies being played on the largescreen video projector in the master bedroom. Getting one socially connected client is the ticket to succcss, says a friend. And although Dr. Giller had been practicing in New York since 1973 (specializing then in holistic medicine and acupuncture), his career didnt really take off until he met Halston and the two became friendly while working out together at the gym of Radu, the Romanian trainer who has also been paid to 64 SPY MARCH 1989

bully John Kennedy Jr. and Bianca Jagger. Dr. Gilkr bcga hanging out with Halstons crowd at Studio 54 and the Hamp tonswhere. of course, he met many other credulous. wealth potential patients. A lot of times the celebrities are friends of on another, says Dr. GiHer, who, unlike Dr. Berger, was happy t

discuss his professional techniques with sv. You get one ans they tell their friends. He became sort of . . . well, tacky about connections, says wOfl)afl who knew him at the time his practice began to take oH My friend took him ro a Michaeljackson party at the Museum a Natural History and he dumped her at the door. Dr. Gilk

networked at Studio 54 and started meeting a lot of celcbritie who started coming to see him for the vitamin shots that made i possil)k to party the way everyone did then, says an early patien of Dr. Gillefs and fellow Studio 54 habiru&. This patient was referring to the famous B shot. While mud of Dr. Giller's practice involves such commonsense advice a telling patients to eliminate had habits and eat well-balanco meals, the B. shot is the sexy drawing card. One former Dr. Cille J)atient remembers in detail her first visit to his office in the earl

1980s. l went to him specifically to get the orgasm shot,

says. Tliats what it was called, you know, at least around Studi'

54. On her first visit, after prescribing enough pills to fill medicine cabinet and suggesting that she considcr sroppin smoking, Dr. Giller finally got down to business. lts really vitamin shot, the former patient insists. nor wishing ro draw an analogy between Dr. Giller and Dr. Charles Roberts, the shot giving doctor who made much of the New York nightlife of th sixties possible. I was really run-down, going through a divora doing too much cocaine. Dr. Giller said ir would help, and in 1a

said chat biweekly vitamin shots would counteract any bad effects

American Society of Hospital Pharmacists agrees: (Vitamins] all

o(the drugs.

have good oral absorption. Dr. Giller admits the practice is controversial hut says he has found that B,: shots do revitalize fatigued patients. As for the patients who have experienced un-

The shot she received, which she remembers as a combination ofvitamins C and B and ACE (adrenal cortical extract). did not havv xactIy the effect she hoped. Shortly after the cherry-colored

syrup was injected into her arm through at least eight inches worth of hypodermic needle. she saw the white Lrrnica counter and peach-colored sheet spinning around thc room. Thcre was the promised rush and then a tingling like alter youre given nitrous oxide at the dentist's office, recalls the patient, adding that she began sneezing and coughing soon after and eventually

usual reactions to the shot, he says, I can't say that in all my years of practice no one has felt light-headed or sick after the shot . . but I don't recall any severe reactions.

J ack M. Rosenberg, the director of the International Drug Information Center, admits that B2 is sometimes better ahsorbed when injected. [But) a good, balanced diet should get a person all the necessary vitamins. When asked for his opinion of prescribing

tompanv. She left his office about $300 poorer only to be sur-

chromium and Supernutrient supplements frequent Dr. Giller nostrumsRoscnberg replied, lt's pretty much hocus-pocus. But for the posh and would-bc P°1 patients of both Dr. Giller and Dr. Berger. hocus-pocus is perhaps the point. After all, its

prisid that night at 1 :00 a.m. by a delayed burst of energy, which

certainly far more Pleasant tO trust one's health to something like

she attributes to the shot, that kept her up all night pacing. After her second visit, during which Dr. Gilkr gave her a shot of B,2 alonc. she stopped going to him. Says another former Dr. Giller patient. l would sit there for 20 minutes while the vitamins were mainlined into my arm. When I got up, I was flying! Many. of course. enjoy these infusions it vim. Eighty-one-year-old Evelyn Kovncr. who sees Dr. Gullet once a week for B,2 shots, says she has the energy of a 40-year-old. 1 believe in him I 000 percent, she

a vitamin shot or a no-willpowcr diet than to acquire the selfdiscipline necessary to eat well and exercise once in a while. And

enthuses.

Village. This nice lady asked me if I would mind going in and

There is nevertheless widespread skepticism of vitamin shots within th medical community. There is not a real need, in my view, to inject vitamins, says Patricia Hausman, author of a hook on vitamin nutrition called The Right Dose. Dr. Marie Smith of the

picking up her cleaning since she could not. I asked her why she couldn't go in, and she said she was allergic to dry-cleaning fluid.

experienced breathing difficulties. Dr. Giller promised her that on her second visit he wouldnc use the ACE. since she must have a sensicivity to one of the preservatives used by the pharmaceutical

given the cliquishness of their two practices, becoming a patient of

Dr. Giller's or Dr. Berger's can provide a reassuring sense of community. Patients get together outside the offices, sharing allergy anecdotes over kir royales.

One of Dr. Gillers patients recalls meeting another Dr. Giller Patiet outside the upscale I O Downing St. Cleaners in Greenwich

It turned out she went to Dr. Giller, too. We became friends imrnediatc'ly. ?

FOOTNOTES Edovt otr AIth,,igl, iv

search of the legendary "vitamin B7" shot and armed with nothing but brio and blank checks, healthy spy reporters RACHEL URQUHART and

foc.osei c::c Dal) ÖISC ¡oiare. th opnu,u expretud s the qotv, wriT iieraI1 hatk.d ap & a ,sN,itherofthr 12 (aUJ thi

,Ihtnh:oaa/

ithortti u

spoke

to: opuuooi differed ox/y iie thur degree

of whvewwe.

LISSA SCHAPPELL paid two undercover visits each

r. Robert Gifler. Schappell complained of these im-

ginary symptoms: dry skin, hyperactivity, headches, stomachaches and insomnia, as well as a

red copies of National Geographic, no Coinopolitan,

ot even any giveaway copies of Special Reports; stead there is a bookcase with an old volume of 1»s Who, coffee-table art books and a copy of

corge Plimptons Fireworks. There is nothing uch to look at beyond the spare gray-and-whiteme decormainly a dozen stressed-out, al-

"The B,2 shot!"

[LISSA SCHAPPELL'S FIRST VISIT

ese intrepid and still alive reporters found.

is no Muzak; instead, a tabletop humidifier ums softly, breathing sterilized oxygen into the m. There are no magazinesno People, no dog-

silently calculating the week's gross. Real nice." As a client checks out, the receptionist asks her if

A chorus of patients and personnel sings out

ppetite, frequent infections and overstimulated ivory glandsso-called wet mouth. Here is what

crt

cheerfully and in unison:

sire to lose a few pounds. Urquhart feigned these ore or less opposite complaints: fatigue, loss of

CENES FROM THE VIAITING ROOM

man or two) waiting to see Dr. Giller. Lotta nice new patients this week," says one of the two receptionists at the front desk, surveying the

she has had a shot or just a treatment. You always ask me if I got a shot," answers the bewildered client. What are these shots?"

to the Pork Avenue offices of celebrity nutritionist

lergy-ridden, acupuncture-crazed women (plus a

'"Th. sificocy of hair tests is 'cry low to nil, soyl Johanna Dwyer, D.Sc.,

R.D., professor of m.dicân. (nut,itlon) at Tufts

Unl.rsity M.dkol School ond director of th. Fronces Stern Nutrlton Center at th. New Englond Medical Csnter Hospital. "The FDA doesn't biliev. in them. . . . A doctor might continus giving them

b.caai. he is out of dot., or becaus. it makes things

look ,ci.ntfic."

Since doctors, in my experience, require criminally long waits, I am surprised when a nurse comes and retrieves me from the waiting room shortly after I finish filling out Dr. Giller's copious forms. I am led into a small white room. The nurse takes a sample

of my blood. Then I am seated in a low chair. "Don't be surprised," she cautions as a sharp stainless-steel instrument enters my peripheral vision. "These are thinning scissors. It sounds like I'm cut-

ting a lot, but you won't be able to see a thing." Schuich, schutch, .rchutch, Locks of my hair fall away

and are slipped into a pre-addressed envelope. I write the first check of my visit, made out to Doctor's Data Hair Test, for $23.'

I am led into another white room, where a nurse comes in and takes my blood pressure. I tell her my anxiety, headaches, stomachaches, dry Isymptoms: I

mouth, dry skin and inability to sleep. Without I even glancing up from her notepad she makes a snap diagnosis: That would be calcium, she says

2Hoef.th.rs, says Dr. Victor H,,bs,t, chi.f of h.matoIo und nutrition

Bronx V.t.rons ° Administration Medical CSn?.r. os will ai o professor at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. Colcium deficiency is a ii.y unlikely thing unless You have a metabolic

INutrition confidently.2

When I say that the concept of rampant, undiagone of the bases of Dr. Giller's

dlso,.r, says Dr. Stephen

nosed food allergies

Barreft, editor of the

practice is new to me, she responds, 0h God, everybody's got food allergies, and assures

Forum newsletter and o board

me that Dr. Giller can help me just as he's helped

memb.roftheNational Council Against Health Fraud.

countless others, herself included. After this Moonie-like outburst of faith, the doctor enters and i

introduces himself with the ease and élan of a lounge singer. As he shakes my hand and looks right

into my eyes I thinkor am meant to think, at any discuss my symptoms and tell him a bit about the way I live.

'' Hubert: lt is a false

The doctor wants to know if I'm married, and if

allergies. lt's like saying everyone has automobile accidents."

rate

this man cares. I

my marriage causes me any stress. He wants to know if I have read his book, Medical Makeover. When I say I haven't, he produces a copy and, right

in the middle of the examining room, personally autographs ir: TO ELISSA, FOR YOUR HEALTH. He then decides that a full exam is necessary. Before leaving the room he instructs me to get undressed and get under the towel.

Dr. Giller returns and the full exam begins. 4 Holding on to my calf as if to steady himself, he looks at my shins and asks me if I have leg cramps. He feels my throat and abdomen, quietly making doctor's noises Hrnm. Uh-huh. I sit up and he r listens to my heart with his stethoscope, first at the

top of my rib cage, then, moving lower, through the top of my right breast. He says my heartbeat sounds a little peculiar and thinks it best to have a technician do an EKG on the spot. The EKG finished, I am alone and half into my trousers when the door opens and the doctor bounds in and sits down, which forces me to finish dressing front of him Well, how's my heartbeat? I ask.

: ¡

He replies in a sobering tone, and I am a little taken aback. 'You seem to have an extra heartbeat,' he explains. Are you ever aware when you hear I' your heart beating does it sound like bun,, burn, bw,i. BOOM! . You know what I mean? I think we should look into this. I have a friend, a very good cardiologist. You should see hirn." He gives me a name to call. I manage to find some comfort in the l

repr.sintotion to say

4Dr. Herbert: lt is almost ceFtainly O fraudulent diagnosis to represent that a heart condition would away with ° supplements or disti."

'Not all people with low blood sugar would have a

d.ciency in chromium. You would have to be

decient in chromium for chromium to help you," says Dr. Walter Mitts, director of the Bsltsville Human Nutrition Research Center of the U.S. Deportment of Agnculture. Dr. Herbert: "The level of lugar in the blood must be tested first

to d.teine if o low. blood-sugar condition exists. And chromium pills are not the way to treat it after the test has been done."

diet and vitamins.4 He goes on to explain that my supposed stomach ailments, headaches and occasional sluggishness in the late afternoon (to which he got me to admit) are 66 SPY MARCH 1989

tO live with. He gives me a friendly pat on th shoulder and disappears, but not before telling me must schedule another appointment to discuss ch food-allergy test - the $2 50 food-allergy test tha he is going to run on my blood. At the front desk I am given a shiny red-papes goody sack, which resembles a swank departmentstore cosmetics-sample bag. This bag, however, full of pills, and the receptionist tells me in what

dosages I am to take them: These are chromium pills - they are going to stabilize your blood sugar and control your cravings for sweets.' He want you to take the multivitamins three times a day and these magnesium pills two times a day.' The nurse also tells me that my health insurance

won't pay for the $32 worth of vitamins.

They

don't cover vitamins, because they don't think they work; they're behind the times. They are tax-de-

ductible, though. She then instructs me to avoid the no-no's. I make out a check to Dr. Gifler for $332. As I leave I notice that the waiting room is filling up. Back at the

fact that the doctor thinks my skittish heartbeat might be controlled by nothing more than a new

dangerous quackery, but not exactly ground-break4 ing work in the field of nutrition, either. What we will do is give you some vitamins, no a lot to start, 'cause I don't want to overload you a first. He also gives me some soothing advice. 'Al lergics don't have to be forever, he says, althougl he has yet to diagnose any. Hey, you might out grow some of these allergies, and some you'll learl

s,,

1____

and cut back on the red meat and diet soda. No

evone hoi food

attributable to low blood sugar. He gives me a list flOflO s: no sweets, no coffee or tea, no cigarettes-'

SPY

office, I take two identical-look-

ing brown capsules and a yellow onechromium, magnesium, a multivitamin. I am prepared to feel like a new woman, and jndeed I do. I feel gleeful, almost giddy - I feel like cleaning up my desk and scrubbing the tea stains out of my cup. Then I alphabetize my junk mail and scratch the rust off my

scissors. I'm soaring, amiable, toe-tapping and no hungry in the least. SECOND VISIT

A very tan woman returns to her place on the waiting-room sofa after filling out the preliminary papers. No sooner has she given herself a Binaca blast

than the nurse comes and takes her into the first chamber. "Oh no, not .fhot! the woman exclai,m with a thick German accent. I have bad brains foi shots! I wait.

'Dr. Hither?: "There is no basis in reolity for prescribing vitamin pills for insomnia. And no basis for prescribing them for any ofthose other 'mpt0m5 (dry skin, hyperactivity, hsadochssl.

After almost an hour I am escorted back to a small consultation room. When Dr. Giller appears. he demonstrates a memory for detail. Did you gei your hair cut?" he asks. it looks good, really good.' He swings into his chair and smiles at me. So ho do you feeP" I say I feel all right but not great.

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different that all not "Its bran. oat Eat fruit. fresh Eat chicken. and fish Eat times. regular at meals regular Eat chocolate. fruit, dried honey, sweeteners, sodas, tea, coffee, cream, ice sugar, no surprises: many too aren't There "no-no's." my lists then He blood low that with you help will times right the at food right the with stuffalong other the and infection," against guard help will vitamins the "Well, help: to supposed are they what to vaguely only referring them, take to supposed am I often how me telling bottle, each on names the me reading catcium and formula hypoglycemia a selenium, E, vitamin C, vitamin multivitamin, wet and infections fatigue, (imaginary)

Fad. or Fact Hypoglycemia, of author Bennion, Lynn Dr. says sugar," blood the measuring Ri's,

sugarwithout blood low name fancy which -forhypoglycemia diagnose o is

intelligently cannot

"You

sugar."Ix

moutha

of case particular my for chosen he's megavitamins of bottles six the over goes then Giller Dr. HEALTH. YOUR

FOR RACHEL, TO it: autographs and Makeover cal Medi- of copy paperback a bag the from pulls down, sits He other. the in bag red shiny a and hand one in chart my with returns Giller Dr. before stockings and dress my into back slip to time have barely I corridor. busy the into again goes lie off And now. dressed get can my says, he Okay, 'You knee. patting shrug. vague a with question the dismisses and smiles Gifler Dr. . ask. I badi" so that's do they do 'What . says. he patients'," most as bad as half aren't habits Your healthy.' "very me pronounces and pokes few a after and, stomach my to on moves then He anyway. checks he but muscles, sore from suffer don't I that him tell I cramps. muscle for checking calves, my grabs and feet my to over straight walks he returns, he When towel. white small a tinder down lie and clothes my remove ro me instructs Giller Dr. room the leaving Before

described." you those as symptoms same the of lot a got lt's right? it, about heard You've virus. a It's Barr. Epstein- for you test to going also I'm But hear: to long and fear both patients Giller's suspect I that news bad the news, bad the with me hits he Then days.' these Syndrome Fatigue Chronic it call They diet. poor a and vitamins of lack stress, from comes Tatigue his with continues Giller Dr. diagnosis: enthusiastically. say I did, I Yes, time. first the for me on sharply focusing eyes his asks, he me? about 'flu. mt abotn hear you did How L answer. I No, 'y

\\t eis,

Th''bc3o"e:s

book? my read ._'cb

he fatĂŹgue, from suffering people of lot a get I questions. his ail ro answer I really, Nor stress? me cause marriage my Does Am it? of lot a under I Am him. interests

married?

intection.' to susceptible less times 100 you make

not will dosage normal the times 100 taking But concerned. is infection where vitamine by helped be wilt malnourished ore who peopie that true be may Dwyer: "Professor

them." for reason no there's deficiency, demonstrated specific o is there unless and about, talking he's dosages phormacologicol are Those enough. is nutrientsj these (for Allowance Doily Recommended U.S. the people, most "For Dwycr: 'Profcssor

really what is Stress answers. the recording shed just has nurses Giller's Dr. of one which to stions same the of many me asks and eyes his rubs squiggles. spermatozoa-shaped with brimming a and bucks white panes, blue with blazer dical tailored a wears He dressed. nattily rather :tor, a for also, is He face. his on look p-last-night I-didn't-get-too-much- dazed. a and hair wn curly with young, is He enters. healer the Finally

curative unfathomable with endowed being igher would one as tones, reverential hushed, in so do y Gitter, Dr. of speak they \When charts. their on res more and more scribble and solemnly nod nurses and saying, keep I right, quite feel don't just 1 mouth. wet xplicable ' the morning, the in up get to inability the appe- of loss the tiredness, nagging the nproms: hypothetical my about staff Giller's Dr. of rS mem- three to spoken have I ofshampoo?). rbrazd 's

What lap? the from water drink you Do

eat? you

food junk much (How questions 00 I least at swered questionnaires, two out filled have I snipped. ir my and collected urine my taken, blood my wing and forms out filling room, waiting Giller's Dr minutes 40 spent already have I and a.m., 9:00 s

VISIT FIRST RQVHART'S

CH[L

Lppointment.

another making without left and $50 Ă˛r Gifler Dr. to check a out made I desk front the Ar .

treatment." ont requiring disease no but Epstein'Barr, to antibody the lias therefore and Epstein.Borr with infected been has population the of percent 20 Ove, ailmentsj. of cause the Jas infections virus Epstein-Barr claim often nutritionists 'Exploitative Herbert: 'Dr.

haircut.

your like I reiterated, he leave to up got he As ests. food-allergy computerized my and sample hair ny of results the about talk could we so weeks two n appointment an schedule to needed I said He ested. foods 02 I the of percent 28.4 to reaction' sensitive a had I eggs. to allergy possible a and yeast, rewer's and yeast baker's wheat, rye, lamb, beans. tinto beans, kidney barley, almonds, to sensitivity ood wdelayed for predisposition a had I out turned t test. Sensitivities Food Bloodprint I lmmuno r)y including tests my of results the discussed We eaten. haven't you when irregular is heartbeat your Maybe regular. is heartbeat your So eaten. you've that fact the and vitamins the to due part in be may it think I but crazy, sounds gone? is heartbeat extra my So hungry.' were you and hours 2 i in eaten hadnr you because been just have may it think I wrong. anything find wont he friend father's your visit go you when that think I I think? what know my You says, He pulse. feels and forefinger and c takes he -46f_v

don't.'

you or allergy on hove you Either terms. medical not are "These Barrett: 'Dr.

'p !

heartbeat." one's alter ordinarily not would hours \

medical underlying an was thcrc un(ess altered be wou/dnot rote heart A diagnosis. fraudulent o likely most is This Herbert: 'Dr.

kwit. tst

fathers. my of friend a g:st,

cardiolo- another see to intend J that

mention I

out? checked it have to ment appoint- an schedule you did heart, your Hows

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from what youre already doing, he admits, but I

SECOND VISIT

just want to stress those good eating habits. 1'm also going to recommend a B2 shot. Its a vitamin shot that helps build you up. 1t11 build up

One week later I am back in Dr. Giller's waiting room. Among the patients there is much talk of the B, shot, which, as it made me feel alternately woozy and wound-up for an entire da) I have decided this time to decline. One well-dressed woman is trying to switch her

your immune system, prevent infection, give you some calcium and boost your energy. I take them whenever I'm feeling run-down. When someone comes in with the flu, I don't give them an antibiDr. Giller explains. I give them one of these. We'll give you two a week for two weeks. You'll be

"treatment and instead receive the B sho, which

feeling great.

He shakes my hand, tells me he will see nie for another shot in two days and leaves me to wait for the nurse who will administer the $50-per-shot B. When she arrives, the nurse lays me down and opens a drawer under the table. She takes out a long tube with a small needle attached and a large syringe filled with cherry-soda-colored lk1uid. What's in ther&" I ask nervously.

0h, there's vitamin B2; vitamin C; vitamin B., which is like an antistress vitamin; some calcium; and a little bit of bicarbonate to counter the acidity of the vitamin C.

She pokes a new hole next to my blood-test wound and empties the entire plunger into my vein.

You may feel a little light-headed at first. Some

'Dr. Herbert: "Before getting o ehot like this, your B,, level would have to be measured. There ore only two reasons to have these shots: (1) you hove o diagnosed B,, deficiency; (2) as o placebo." Dr.

Meits: "The frequency of B,, deficiency in our population is very rare." Dr. Barrett: "If o person can absorb vitomins, there's no reoson for an

injection.'

people even say they can taste itlike a cherry flavor in their mouth but I think that's because of the color or something, because I never taste anything when I take these. She dims the lights, telling me I should just try to relax for a little while, and leaves me lying on the table.

After a minute or two, I decide to get up and

she is officially scheduled to get later in the week. "Eve had an awfully difficult week," she pleads to the receptionist. My mother passed away, and I could really use the boost. Another young woman, clad almost entirely in black, paces restlessly between the reception desk and several differen waiting-room chairs. She is jockeying to get her shot before her consultation instead of after. It is easily arranged. How many of these shots do I have to take before I feel like Wonder Woman" she asks. A lot," the receptionist answers. I wait a solid hour before the nurse who took my blood last time shows me into a consultation room and starts rolling up my sleeve for a second jolt of B,2. When I inform her that l've decided not to take any more shots, she looks surprised and leads me into another room. "The doctor will be with you shortly,' she says. In fact, it takes a good half hour for Dr. Giller to

appear. When he does, it takes him another ten "Dr. Borroft: "You'rc not getting anything there that you couldn't get in one or two pills for a dirne or so."

minutes to tell me that I look much better already

this despite the fact that I am suffering from a powerful hangover and have not been taking any of the vitamins he has prescribed. Dr. Giller says that

leave. i feel fine lying down, but a confusing fuzziness comes over me when I stand up. In my stupor I run headlong into Dr. Giller in the hallway, where he has resumed shuttling between fatigue sufferers and the allergy-ridden.

my tests look good, that although the lab has not

Youll pee red, he booms loudly, putting his

of my blood so that he can look at the Epstein-Barr results. When I ask him about the jittery feeling I had after the shot, he tells me he doesn't understand

and on the back of my neck as we enter the waiting oom. "The nurse told you that, right? ' Yes,' I say cuietly. The receptionist who dispenses vitamins smiles

d shakes her head with a that-crazy-doctor look n her face.

Pee ,d, she ducks, in mock disapproval of Dr. Gillers outburst. I reach for my checkbook and gin calculating the damage: $225 for the initial

yet run the Epstein-Barr test he asked for, he nevertheless thinks the root of my problem may be leftover traces of the mononucleosis virus I had seven

years earlier," and that thcyll have to draw more

'Dr Herbert: "An enormous omount of certain vitamins will change the color of the urine. He gave her expensive urine. This is o lucrative nutrition fraud."

him."

When I ask him who, he says, "Like Farrah Fawcett and Ryan ONeal, they were here the other day. And Nipsey Russell. And another actor came in

itamins - approximately $4 I 5 just for starters.

on a Saturdayyou know, special-so he could go

The waiting room is now full. There is another

74WYMARCH 1989

similar to the one I experienced. Later, as Fm leaving the building, the doorman asks, "Feel better? For that kinda money, you better,

right? But h&s good. Lotta famous people go to

isit, $37 for the blood work, $23 for the hair work, $50 for the shot and around $80 for the oman at the counter, restocking her vitamin cabiet. Lets see, she says, 1 need some more bran, you know, fiber pills. And then, some calcium. She looks over at my list of no-no's and nods her head knowingly. She's been there.

this but not to worry, that the concentration of C and B1 sometimes accounts for a burst of energy"

onstage."

'Professor Dwyer "The chances are infinitesimal

tfat this would be true."

He scratched his head, concentrating hard on what other names he could dredge up. "Oh, yeah. Bianca Jagger comes here quite a bit. Shes nice. I

got her autograph.')

e 's

'4%

:&!

As with most legends, the details tiere may ha:e grown fy wit!ĂŹ th years. BUt OflC thing remains crysta' cIea I)rambuie is tIĂŹ unique liqueur flavored with wild heatherhoney and the finest ruait whiskies. So it has a taste thai people would

kill for. Drambuie. Scottish in

------

Origill.

distinctive in taste. unchanged since 1745.

Drambuie.The stuff legends are made of. To send a gift of Drambuic anywhere iii t!i

L S where 1ci.aj, call 1.sOO238-4:373.

LIFE IMITATES

ART People We Confuse With

Paintings and Sculpture,

Paintings and Sculpture

We Confuse With People 76 RY MARCH 1989

' Wtyøuy A M*soous

yet here, undeniably. is multiulented

}r(ormanceshy Gaily Simon (b. 1945) Irey grew up in che Psris of the

masterpiece Sammy Dcis Jr. tb. 1925).

ingerdaier drurnm,r-CuL,ist

tiercées. not che Riverdale of the fifties. Otherwise. where could she possibly have pued for Pablo Picasso ( I 88 I

Note the tenscon Picassu achieves

through the interplay between Daviss mutually exclusive orbs. Picassoesqur draftsmanship is also apparent in the sliding. colliding, disconcertingly masklike (estures of Academy Awards cutup Bette Davis (b. 1908)

1973? Mayb, Marthas VIneyard,

except chat che diminutive artist. unlike Carly. never played cherc On the other hand. Picasso nev« played Tahoe either.

Whe1ievcr we think of Samsny

to us, the hellish canvases of

cause Hockney has painted

ally driving. of the young

Jr., which is oÑen. we

H ieronvmous Bosch teem with

him. And just because Sarah

Grace Kelly, of Gary Cooper

think of the singer, the dancer,

all manner of Roy Cohns

Brightman describes ber hair as

and High Noon and the melody

the entertainer. We think of Jerry and Frank and the big

(Ameriian, 1927-86). In every case, it isn't so

Prc-Raphaclite (toesilt cucan

we'll run a publicity shot of her

rooms in Vegas and Nixon and

much that the.re people look ex-

next to a color plate of a

Linda Lovelace. We think of Candy Man. And we think of

actly like those paintings. 1f that were so, e would simply have

Rossen i

cubism.

presented you with a series of here in this pioneering art-hischeap analogies: Frank Zappa tonca! monograph are not and Leon Redbone as Van look-alikes. Rather, the people Dycks, Katharine Hepburn as in our gallery profoundly fieggest

which subsequently lodges itself in our heads for the next two days as if on a maddening internal ta[) loop. 'X'hen this starts to happen, museums and galleries l)C(t)ITIC dangerous,

DavLs

That's right. Cs.bism.

And to be perfectly honest about it, whenever we look at

No, what we've gathered

Do Not Forsake Me,

strictly off-limits. As are, by the

same tøken, any celebrity-

we think of

Nude Desending a Staitrase,

the work of a certain painter or

Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper as . . . well . . . a Jackson Pollock. (Did we mention that

sculptor or school. And

lt may l)(: an ünintcnded by-

know this could be a little alarming to those who take

as at last fall's sale of French

some of the cheap analogies

their art seriously vice versa.

gave years agoback in the

would also have been in ques-

days whcn .... by, it was still Hoving's Met. Whatever the

rionabk taste?) And we could have stretched things a bit to

cause, we can't help seeing

inClUde works of contemporary

How utterly remarkable that Diego VeIzquez, applying his rich brush strokes in seventeenth-century Madrid, could

get itthat night we asked Degas's Danseuses Russes for its

great art everywhere we look. A

architecture, so many of which look like De Chiricos with tax abatements (although Peter AIlen, it must Ie said, reminds LIS

certain

Picassos,

Sammy.

an art-history leclure that Rosamond Bernier product of

at the New York Daily Ntwi tells us that it is not Liz Smith writing the gossip colglance

have captured the essence, the very soul, of Herve Villechaize; and yet he has. Uncannily. their names are similar, too.

Having such a peculiarly

Unvas come ro heavily airbrushed photographic life. Keith Richards (English, h.

of certain Helmut Jahn buildings). On the other band. that aftnity is half deliberate on the part of the architects (and pos-

trained eye is a curse as well as a blessing. It's now impossible

goes on tour and we

sibly even in Peter Allen's case).

out thinking of a Grimaldi

link of the terrifying Expresonist faces of Egon Schiele

Similarly, Henry Geldzahler

specifically, of Princess Stepha-

seems to have leapt to life from

ustrian, 1890-1918). And

a Hockney Paintins only be-

nie and thcn, in rapid succession, of whucher she was actu-

umn hut a Willem de Kooning

1942

for us to look at a Brancusi with-

clogged venues. (When the two types of danger spots converge, lmprecsionists at Sotheby's, for-

autograph and carne very close

n) bidding $3.2

milli(Ifl

for

Gayfryd Steinberg.) In the pages ahead. suffer us our appreciation, and appreciate our suffering as we catalog the well-known late-twentieth-

century people who look like art and the art that looks like wel I known late-twentieth-cen-

tlIf'/ people. If nothing else, it shOuld give you a whole new appreciation for the surface dynamism and iconographic subtieties of Shelley Duvall. MARCH $989 SPY 77

In DILISUATELY ELO4ATW AT TNt Ta

How ian it be thai such glamorous. high-profile and

aIi'e! ukbÑies summon lorch the oeuvre of so wdtschmcrzy ¿iui otnI,4rac1vcIy obscurc an Exprcssonist as Egon

Schiele (1890-1918)? Nouveau tncrlleuuat actress Doryl Hannah (b. 1960) uses

'T!'!V'V

Pt%

L, hcr atzcnusted. highly d('.( rptive limbs. Sleepingwich -fashion-rcuxlels r(xk musiusns Ric Ocosek (probably vou:gcr rh.in Bill

Wyrnn) .snd Keith Richards

(b. 1943) are kit co use their haggsrd Los Generation laces. Oasck came by his &hicisms genctita1l) while Richards

achicvd hi dsri,uh )C4I5

and

years of toc) muh lun. plus one

picture (hail!

flail.' Rok n

Rnl/ wirh Chiil R,rrv 78 SPY MARCH 1989

f \,

Giosso Pumping and selling iron that's just Oflr 01 che things Umberto Boccio,d ( I RR2 I 9 1 CL che Italian Funirist, and

Arnold Schworzenegg.r (b.

£XQUS$ITI SoLmTY

ks no surprise hac Colombian

painter Fmndo Ioero b. 1932). vein-clotted conglomeraceur Soul St.inb.rg b. 1939) and spooky matriciiJc manqu& Suklw.,t Gabel Cb. 1949 are contemporaries.

isrecemacurally red hair.

Although Steinberg remains tethered co his wifcs side in Manhattan, and although Gabel doesni get out much. colier. now char the Myerson trial is over. who can deny their

Colomhia (oil on canvas. I 9NO) boasts a playful cameo appearance by Steinberg (there,

influcnc on Boteros work. and/or vice versai Daniing

Gabel (note the virtually

overstuffed-rag-doll lace). And there. finall. is Steinberg himsell. looking as though he's being squeezed out of the cup of a tUXedt)shaped oil-paint cube. No preo«upation wich

expressionist gestures

(orm here!

on the far teli (l(XS painting Steinberg qualify Botero as a landscapist?). And there's

1947). the Austriaci Reaganite. have in common. Here's another: although it was completed in 1913. Boccioni's Unique Formt of Continuity so

Spose, some scholars now belirve. was conceived as a

sculptural ixie to the dynamism of last Christmas's comeds' latíriot. Tri'snj.

tr'VÎEL0OY 'I) _44f/ REVERtE.. Piincî REPLICAS

A. Sia DIDNT Evr NAM(

Hti

NAQIANca Gtaica There is no question chat

Paloma Pkosso (b. 1949) has an interesting provenance. And so ics disuicting that the twentieth-century painter she evokes so insistently is noi her father. Pablo. the misogynist Cubist. hut his second-drawer contemporary. Femand Léger

(1881-1955). Go figure. AbJfra(! figure.

Critics who suspect that pop

artist Roy Lichtenstss (b. ¡923) comic-scrip characters tk)flt resemble living. breaching human beings any more closely than does your average Paul Klee will find all the proof they require in plastieman New York Das/y Neu's publisher

JimHog.(b. 1935) and plasriuwoman Vanna White (b. 1957). Only the thought bubbles are missing.

MARCH 1989 SPY 79

..:-'---

. e .-

,; ,.ç-./,,

fr'

Ti: 1

BEYOND THE LIMITS O FORM AND FEMIPIINITY

Woman and B:c)ck. you say' Thats no bicycle. thars Carol Chonning. Only the wild brushstrokes uf Wilkm de Kooning (b. I 904) could capturr so splendidly the exuberant vigor. not co say syntactical icnbalance. of stich merr cackling ladies-about-town as Cbanning (b. 192 I ). Liz Smith (b. circa 1928). Bubbl.'

Rothenn.ri (b. l934)and AiLsen 'Suzy Mihi. (b. 1924thats AD.). And only De Koonings drawing, with cts haunting teeth-ina-windstorm effects. could do 1usticc to this group.

CHICKS NOUVEAUX

ThOMPI iOv'

se.

Once sec-n, the overripe,

ThCrcS certainly a case co

made: that author-study-inblack-and-white lama Janovitz (b. 1956) has taken

Jom.s Ensor (1860-1949)

an Aubrey Isordaley (1872...

98) drawing as one of her spiritual/aesthetic mentors. But it takes two really grra: decorative artists tu bridc the gap between TIx Yellow Book and Jack La Lanne television ads Beardsley (sinful. decadent) and Ch.r (game. untnhtbited). Forget about the sort uf technical problems only rime rrael (an solve: Cher (b.1946) ts a walking. talking pen-and-ink drawing at cvrry award ceremony she attends. and the influence of her levered pOStBol) Mackie dressmakers (Xt Beardsleys illustrations of

,_ ÇeI .

: . '

",'

....

figurative twentieth-century sculpture. Way to go. 'Beno!

Nioiî

Linda Hunt (b. 1945) eat potatocs Would Vjnc.nt van Gogh (1853-90) have pacntcd so many self-portraits if bed known that a century later they would end up kxking like publicity stills for Platoon and The Las: Temptation of Chns: Meanwhile. contemporary postimpressionism buffs debate the restoration of I.u,: for Ltfr,

with Wilism Dafo. (b. 1955) as \ifl(eflt and Harvey Keitel as Paul!

SPY MAR il

'.,.

retord for Aibsito Giacom.td (1901-66). the Bob Cousy o

QUASI-STARRY

........

way. may pull down about $-1(x).000 a year from the Warriors. hut one piere from the W'alking Man series brought $7.65 million at Christies in London last November, a new auction

Certain questions arise. Does

ofRonoldR.ogan(h. 1911).

Monut. Bol (b. 1962). by the

esreers

expressionist eyeliner of Louis. Nevalson ( 1900-88) and the exprcsit>nist ersatz-personality

gallery off Spring Street.

that an Osar ñgurcd prominently in both their

eXpresSionist comedy (5f Jocki.

,, .

undeniable. Do we have to add

arc not forgotten: smiling hideous. they terrify even as they would be Jolly. The same might be said about the

Mason(b. 1931). the ;

Salome and 1.yststraca is

grotewue faces painted by

DYL ON CANVAS

The ovoid faces and elongated

bodies of Amid.. Modigliani ( 1884 1920) enpoy a revival in the form of actresscable producer Sh&l.y DuyaIl (b. 1949), provmg chat rs but a shortish kap ¡croas inedia and decades - from the state-

Ijictic of ßamsna (_on jrers.e

A.Mp4G/RfptLUM1 WAws

( I 9 I 6) to the statement of !aeric Ta/c Th.a:rv (ongoing). Promising pupils in the cehool

toadway, &hmraday we an catch Lizo MJnn.Ui (h I 946) on kh street and in scrip-mall bad-art stores a(n)ss the ountry ¿ny d time,

ourtcs of Ainerxan ntastcr W.Ot.rK..m. (b. 1921).

)t 1).ivall: drs:gner Corolyn.

che early Goldie Hown (b. 1945) on the nghc (ca. 1968) 3sgIvcIs' radiates hlak -velvet-painting bathos.

IC4

Rochm ( ne k :001 novelist Joyce Carol Oat.s (eyes).

Du'rcw

UNCW

Its a pity Fron. Hola (ca

1)81-1666) worked in Holland in the seventeenth century matead of at Elauccs or Spago on a Tuesday Get the fiorid. gouty countenances of hyperbolic publicist Bobby

Zor.m (b. 1936), hyperbolic producer Bernie Brilln.ln (b. 1931). hyperbolic actor Ernest Borgnin. (b. 1917) and ls:prbOIi omcdian Sam Kinison (b. 1953) together in one room. and you might as well call ir Frani Hali Lit.'? ¿cd sell tickers.

Mon Is Mooee The solds' rounded sculptures

of Haney Moora (1898-1986) are well knovrn: Bss: F:gure RecI:nsnj Worears Nial.; Brie:, Woman;

Fa:g:r/ With Pur,.'.

Whoa' :j,gjrJ W'i:h

:' Look again: sensuous outlines and maccr.al-idebucing contours,

yes hut nor bronzerubber. In rIser worIs, fashion designer' Dianne Brui (b. circa 1950).

¼,

'I'

r-' (. .

1 -"

hopeci she will rcnsaili until July, when she embarks on an 18-mouth tohacco-crmpat.ysponsored tour chat will see lscr similarly placed in various embassy gardens. university quadrangles and meadows.

Two VGtw Giotto, Duccio, Giulioni. Str..p . dcv000nal artis all:

W1\

Also pictured hcte: actress

Toukie Smith (b. midtwentieth .entury), a Robert De Niro paramour impersonates ;i Moore at Pier 92. where it is

7___

chc hrst two (Tusan and Simese shools, rcspecivc1y) ro Gid and chc perpeuarion of the Byzanrine cryie; the third (NYU School of Law) co Press Conference; and rhc

fourth (Yale School of Drama) to clw Show-OfT-y Role. In che work of chest four. one can always depend on life. texture. piety, impeccable renditions of sundry World spce.h patterns,

and maior indictmenrc ) IAK(.H 9$') SPY

Men have a theory, or so we've heard. It goes like this: On any given evening,

a guy

tries to pick up

loo

THE PICKUP

women, at least one of them will, in fact,

go to bed with him.Very few

men,"I"'

however, are able to muster the sheer fortitude and shamelessness necessary to put this theory into practice, even if they were SO inclined. Even fewer men can (or would) flaunt membership in both the

DirectorsGuild ofAmerica and t Harvard Club of New York in an tempt to increase the odds in their fa Fewer still can (and frequently do) b about being pictured unflatteringly i book of Helmut Newton photograph a means ofestablishing credibility. A

only one man we know combines these attributes into a single, very ins tent, creative personality. His name

JamesToback. A simple catalog oft titles of Toback's avowedly "persona major motion pictures (some of whic stayed in release for more than a week will shed light on this 44-year-old dire tor's unique single-mindedness : Tb Gambler (which he wrote but did no direct), Fingers, Love and Money, Ex posed, The Pick-Up Artist and The Bi Bang (this latest, not-yet-released major motion picture was inspired, he says, by his charming belief that Creation was

Lf.f;? d--

í77k:-;

siA Vord of Varning: This chart contains frank, explicit language, ncluding the phrase, uttered by a man, "Just touch my niIes and I'll come' %I what follows is not for the squeamish. 1'''

the residual ejaculate of a divine orgasrn).Even before he became a somewhat visible tax write-off for friend and producer Warren Beatty, Toback had captured a portion of the public's atten-

pI,otogrOP by S°'°

iion by writing a book (Jim, published in

A CASE-BY-CASE LOOK AT MOVIE DIRECTOR JAMES 2 SPY MARCH 1989

THE WOMEN,* THE PLACE,

about and then started in with i-;Expojd, starring Nastassia K,nski, using it to the hilt.

walking down che street and he pulled up alongside me and said, LisI w3$

SARA

him but were inrriucd by the journalistic possibilities oí a

MovSsD3rctop

Th Pick- Up A nid

all

I'm a film dir.ctoq

and I've fnichcd making a film called The Pith-Up ,trt:jt.

r,aind, Cu:iorp Septe*'.kr ¡985

polygraph exam conccrnin the

When I 'ouldn't stop, he said. 'Jesus, you're really stapkìous. By now. Id said much more ObSCCOC things to Nasaaiiø Kinsici, and now we're best (ricnds. You know who sh is, donc you? I ,fl4dc hr. Heve you he,crd of 'Ibe Pick-Up ArlijI? T)

subsancc of this article, we agreed to ser up such

w,,.,

Br.adwa and 69,1, Snwt

uling the test and meeting Toback's many demands

,Mtr'4 ¡987

proved difficult, he rnad such remarks as .1 hope OU know

Employ,, IRT No. I ir:e

wcnt on,

grimly, If you print this piece,

: promise it will l)e the single you regret most in your life. When pressed for details, he said, Think of your very

TTIWA

¡bat.' When we objected to

to see E.xpoied that night.

Woe rd Sirve:.

DAN(U1 Editor

Upper Wtit sue aaild,eg

graph test we had arranged, Toback went to his own polygraphcr and passed a lie deteccor test based on a rough draft of

questions we had sent h:m. Since we have no way of assessing the circumstances , panico-

lars or results of this seret test, WC: cant consider it meaningful (let alone persuasive) informanon. Finally, in an chott to get

Tobacks side of things, we asked to interview him again. He has been unwilling. Earlier, when asked to cornDent on his evidently abundant

magnetism, Tohak had told spy that his ongoing persa!

search fon future cast members entails approaching a great nomber of'mcn as well as women, For

the record, though, Toback recently,

° r,,"vty' ¡98'

CLLs.

Fosh,on Editor \

ther contact with hm except

1ve been very lucky

with womeneven. il' )oull Iorive mc,

I would say blessed.

We don't think

blessed is píe-

cisely the word we'd use.

stt. m

.. _1,.d .1,,-,,,

nd Fifth

A,'qeue

\.i-,mi,, !987 -J

man in a long black leather trench coat started following alongside mc with a barrage olcomplitaunts like 'I can't believe how great you look I don't know if you know nie, but Im o director.

Kinsici

in more chan

professional sense.

He said. tired su dsangc my suede coat; (orne U to my apanment and we can talk. want to tell you about soy iic project. You can stand outside thought, W'd/, all right. Wc went hack ip in thc tIcvator. Hv coki stories about Nostosslo Kinaki and said he a psycho. Hc showed ow jxaers for Expord and abook by Helmut Nrwto that havI a photo ofhim and Nastassia. I

__________

He rulled

5)111 olI

thestI wa

his iw' t

these cords and insinuated

Nostasiia Kinski.

P4Y I

Edito,

Ba/dawi

May 1986

F.xcuse

stop.

me,I'mafllnidirector Plvase .

akr my card. made I

him uslied Fxpoíed with

Noitsiio Klnski.'

Really am I

Wv inri through friends over drinks at the Harvard Club- He immediately Modd started saying how easy it was (ix him to 1/ii Hjrijrd CIsb sleep with women. April ¡984

Hr braed about how hr made Nostossia Kinski

FHC was ,arryisig a wholcportf'olio o(clips about himself, ,James Toback, the film dïrecI know you don't believe ma, but which he started so show offwhile rattling offthe names of I'm a well-known hIm director ail his films.

KAY

Ito,

tor.

Seo,I Aivear

a,sd 5 eh 51w,:

Scpivrsr ¡986 -

l:iìsis

LYN Dunce, L,M.w' Cv,:,, ,Nwey Jtdiiirn

started chastngme down che a raincoat, and virrying a Monet prhir. lknow this sounds crazy, but I'm u big director.' hr wa,s 'dishcv cled, in

IV:i:.iis

You've seen The Pi'k-Up Ari::!; you've seen ExpìieJ. .' Actually. I hadn't heard of any of them; but he went on. .1 know you chink I'm Chart's Mansoss. but trust cnr, this us how I discovered Nsstuuia Kinski you've seen -

(S'104k, 1987

SAPCIA Writs, Fairway Market, Broad' say ael 74th Street

4aguit ¡988

in:ervieu' magazine

theweirdest thingthac ever happened to me. lie was staring at nie as i was going up in she elevator. Then I saw him again in che same elevator wo hours laser. He said, Exuisc toc, van talk co you. lt's an omen we're in the same clevacor again. Mv name is James Toback. just made The Piek-U Anus. I'm o director.' He followed me out into the -I w going to talk co you. I was tbinking about ou in che shoer that should have talked to things aren't accidents.' I

Te4ad s

spy 's editors have had no fur-

___________

r; ?

and

dicated that after reneging on his agreement to take the poiy-

1_A,

Jasuar 1988

dirions, we agreed on a rime and a place for the polygraph L

for a phone call and two letters from his lawyer. One letter in-

PuMiciil

flustered. "I didn't threaten you. Those were just Iorecasrs, he said, You're into slander. l'tn into astrology.' Atrer satisfying Tohack's

boasted

He came running down the suces behind ffFcred to show cnr his Directors Guild Card and said me and said, 'Youre so beautiful, want he'd just lnished making Thr Pick-tip Aro::. He gave mea you to be in a moste. I know this sounds list of bu moies and cold mr ro ccc them ail, espedallv tidiculous, but I or, a producer.' Exposed. He said he bac directed and known Nastosuia

tlA1P'lE

niese threats, Toback became

us up,

Helmut Newton and yxi'II see me with Naetasiia. .

%14) 1988

It//be worse than

tOSt. Toback stood

card. . And hores rn driver's cense. lt ou donc believe me. gi o) Rames Nuble ard look up plac 88 in Por:ra::j by

I' I

Third Areke did l2edStrvr:

very worst nightmare. [Dramatic pause.)

&rMI,, ¿988

:hing

my film. Here. let mc show you ray Directo GId o America I

He walked past mc on che subway, 'l'knw you don't believe me' hc calci and then pulled his stopped arid then sac down cpposite mc driver's license and Directors Guild cord right out Hr oId and stared. 'You're going to think this is me, I'm rrsponsíbk for Nastosaic Xinski's fame.' crazy, but I'm o director and have co use )'nhi n rI)V flex: movie.' He showed me his driver's lkcsise and his Di,.ct.n Guild This guy camt up from behind me and card He said he was on his way to Gamblers Anonymous. said. .1 really like your salk. I think He also said he'd gone to Harvard and that he'd been re really pretty. and I'd Ike to use married ti) OflC ofthe richest women in the world 'i've YU in a novie I'm making.' been a millionaire and a pauper,' he said. He also mid inc

ALEXIA Auction Hous.

what you're doing when you

luck with mc. He

Folluwing me for two blocks up Brudwv. he kein saying, }cLIse me, I1k'Se' This may sovnd sh'ange. but I'm a muyie dirccio,. and I really WflC to talk to you lar a second.

rest for

him alone with a polygrapher ot our choosing. \'hen Sched-

THE CREDENTIALS

THE INTRODUCTIOP' I

THETIME

suring Toback that we vcrc nor interested in gambling with

JAMES TORACKI

guy with an unbuttoned shirt 'I lived with Nastassia Kinski, yoscan scv oui pkcurc"] reached for mv forearm at che peach stand together (55 jlte 88 of Helmut Newton's new book.' He at Fairway: 'I know this sounds ridicushowed me his DGA card and his drivers license. He told bus, but 'm o producer and I'm making me about Thi' Pick-Up Arid: and that Finger; had been movie and youd be perfect for it.' I singled out by Truffaut as one of the best American filins. told him co leave tee alone. He alco told me about being married to a British heiress. AJ'tc' pho::ng !" PY ,rd,i.r ha:'iisg

told abou: ,r(fi/v: What I'd Iikr it, vio is

flee,:

WITH SPY '.5 ihr n'Ivphort

Novmber

you and

tyHti

5not their r.aI names

.Iiscuss

chis

get

together whh

What dc you say to a stranger yoi want co be c films You say. 'HI, I'm Jim TObOCk, Irr o movie direct.,.'' (Atkrcl about Nastassia Kinsiu, Tobad, insisted, 'She scru' pulously CI)t herself at arco" length froto inc. t

: SETTING THE HOOK:

PITCH"G

FLATTERY

-,ç

THE

"CALL ME"

PROiE CT

Youre the moie beaut4uI girl Ivc -

ever sn .

1 want to talk to you about a docum.ntary ffiml'm making involving five women and a man. I want ro show how interesting the real

You have sudi a powerful b.auty.

THE ANSWERING SERVICE

.1 want to give you my telephone nun, bir. I said, Forget It I to flevur giiig co use it, because Im a film director. coo.

lives of women are.

Now, don't give me your phone number.

J left a m.uag. on his home answering machine, and within 30 minutes he called back from thc street. Can you mast ini at my place at 10:30 tomght2 I said, Those are strange office hours.

Here, take mine, and after you've checked me out and crust chat I am who I say I am, then you can call mi. .

That's how I work. I said, No thanks. I kit a m.ssag. on his machine that I wasn't

l-le wrote his nunther on a piece of newspaper. Promise you'll coil ms, he said. and .1 know you're suspicious. but after you check roc out. give mc a call. He kep saying over and over. Check me out.

I can't take my eyes off you

You havc a ver)' commanding stride. . . .

He saId he was making a movie about walking. I told him I wasn't an actress. He said that didn't matter, it was going to be a 'natural film. and that it wasn't about acting hut would start production

l-le wrote his number on a piece of newspaper. lt was a studio number for Tix P:k-L Artist. He caid.

soon.

Exposed.

interested.

__________________________

I left several messages. and when I rcahcd him, he put mc on hold for I 5 mtnuc. It took me severai calls before wc IRX)kcd up; he always seemed to he caring into the phone. I kept asking. this loe rcal He said, You have to uU me. I told him to call me

Call me, after )'(>U'Ve Seen

if he was interested. He didn't.

CONTGT

He made very clear chat he was working on a project that he had directed, written and produced. He said the movie would be true to Lifesomething about his story

I called him three days later from L.A. and he waa at a poseproduction facility. 1'm so glad you ca1led

Youve got chis vibrancy You have this energy emanacing from you. I felt it In the elevator.

. You re so unusual.

I didn't think you would. He said he'd have to cd me back when he 3t back to LA, on a certain date. He didn't.

'Im making a ne experimental movie with five unknown people and Mike Tyson. Im putting people in a room to sec how the)' interact and I need three more women.

Wc left his apartment. .l think tItis would be re-ally cool. Think about it.

He called the ncxt day. Can you come to my My mom said no way. I wanted to mccc at a restaurant for coffee. He said, Okay, I'll call you bak. He called once. I returned his call. He never called me hack.

apartment at ten at night

Cd m..

He didn't mention a project. but he did ask mc out tu lunch.

When I called, a sc':rccar}' gave trie a number at a production ofike, He didn't seem to remember who

He gave me his card and told me

I was, but he said, 'L.t's meet later at the Harvard

call. I

aie. I said, 'How about next week!' Bot he was

re-ally forceful and said it had to be that night.

____________________________________

Your

i*n .y.s!

GWIN ______________________________-

Production

He wanted co discuss a semidocum.ntary abotit five different women. lic said hr wanted to elevate the female race in the

Assistant

A friend gave me his number told me to call him because I was looking for a job in produchon.

° Hanjrd Club Outòbr ¡98'

film.

He wantedme co re-ad for a part in The Pith-Up Arti:!,

Hcrc's my number at Fox I want you to read with Rober DowneyJr.

t called Fox. he took my call right away

When con you come up' I said I'd come b)' at hvu

.1 couLdn't help nodci.ng sour presence and your

star quaîity.

told him I was a dancer and hc said that he was just looking for a dancer in this projed involving five women. He said I'd be perfect for it.

I told him I was in a hurry and gave him my number. or actually my boyfriend's

He said the him was a new kind of film about astrology and the creation of ehe universe. There would be interviews with people talking about real experiences. He said it didn't matter that I wasn't an

He left me his number on a comer of the Sunday T:rne and told me to col aftrt I'd seen Exposd. He was with a woman that he'd left waiting with a bag of grocertes; she was obviously getting impatient.

number.

He called me at I 2:30 that night and wasn't íaed at ail when my boyfriend answered. Con you come ov now? No way, I said, and told him he could meet me for lunch in a public pLace ilhe wanted to caik about a film project.

Your eyes! You're so

provocativ.. You know

that, don't you'

actress.

Ans' one individual I would approach [in a manner) according to who that person is.

'I lead as work-oriented a life as anyone I know. I am completely and totally and wholeheartedly uninterested in meeting anyone ¿r thin poin in my life who does not suggest some cinematic capacir)' male or female, >'nung or oId.

[Ocer tuo

dayi. Tobak

ui'oi phenr

merrages at

the'

s'i'

officvt.!

le/i

I ran into him at a party'. He said he hod to s.. me

the next day and that I should call. I left a msuoe on his machine and he called about I 5 minutes later to make a date for that night at the Harvard Club. co discuss the filin he was making.

fFit'e phone me.oagvi carve proie/s!I)

left b)

src.J

.,-;.

THE DATE

Ä&T WITH NUMBERS

TALKING DIRTY

'-,

I O N

He told me how he'd first had sex atavesy early age. maybe 12. when he hooked up wich an older composer. Toward the end ol lunch he said he found me incredibly attractive. There are rooms here. W. could go upstairs. I said I'd already taken a long enough lunch.

We walked (lOwn thC street and he kd me to thy Harvard Club. He ¿sked for his mail before we sat down.

lt wasn't two minutes before be was talking about sex. i think he started

I mcc hun in the lobby of the Horvsrd Club; hc looked disheveled. We went co the bit, where hr stirted jamming gobs of nuts in his mouth. I-Ic didn't ask me anything about mysell and told mc a lot about his cazecr in

He didnt v.asce any time getting disgusting. maybe IO or I S miaules. 'I (eel like we're old losers. I t'ed like l'vt' already ted sex with you many rimes. that we have this special sexual rapport

by asking me, Do you like to fuck

Ile said. 'i have this physical need. I have to ci)me 15 t. 20 times o dey Even my therapist says I have to have frequent ses.' I stood up and denundesi. De ,.a reIste (t'er)thtitg :. ,ex? He

siitl

Yes

the movies.

He jumped right in when I got to his room. And he kept getting alls (rom women and lse'd say, No. I can't tuck you again coni1ht.'

He said he was staying at the Horvord Club and we wcrc supposed to mccc at I :00 p.m. He left a note

saying he woutdnt be bak until 6:00, and when t showed up again, he said that we iouldnt have a

co know how many msn I'd made love to. I said, 'That has nothing to do with my ability

He wanted

to be an assistant on a film.' Later he called and said hr had to explore my sexuality, that i needed a teacher and that he would teach mc. liwn he went on to say he had a large penis and asked mc how much pubic hair I had.

drink in the lobby because I was wearing jeans, so we wcnt up to his room,

We were all drinking and taiking openly about sex. He gave his entire sexual history and then said we should all go up to his room at the Harvard Club

When I told him t was probably more interested in other women than men. that only

When I got to his office at Fox, he told me all

He started in with the gross stufi' fairly cuickl) 1'm a freak. Do you know what a freak is? lt's someone who is totally into sex. Are you a freak. tood' When he said h. wanted to tuck m, I told him I martied. He said, Let me call your husband.' I gave him the number, hut he backed off.

made him more interested.

about his career anti his credits as a director.

He kept picking up the phone and calling his bookie to place huge bets. He was abo getting calls from women. and he'd say. Oka

honey. meet me at the Hoa Club at X time.'

We mec at an Upper West Side health food restaurant. lie was really interesting at first. We talked about film and philosophy He was fascinated Isv mv midwestern peu. Toward the end of lunch it started getting weird. but it couldn't have been too bad yet hecause when lie said. 1.isten. l've got cassettes of my hIrns

right here. lets go to my place its jsist across the street and you can ser them lot yourself.' I alkd my boyfriend and told hïm exactly where I would be for the next two hours. and I Vent.

We met outside the Harv.rdlubar 10:00 p.m. lot dinner, but it to the Algonquin.

was closed, so we

went

Prv/cmng to ta/k rn thi. t#Ii'phnc. sty didn't

takt Tobai'k aft on hit offer to notet. J

,I1

i-iv uiu l.I.

He made inc some pasta. put on the films and left to do errands. The movies were pretty bad. When he came beck. he sat on the couch and started talking. but using words like ajs,. iNCl and dick.

No one was sacred: he bragged about sex with everyone. and then he claimed that even a sevsnysor-old was after him.

He told mc that when he wanted to be a concert pianist as a kid. he slept with a lot of people in the music boxiness. That was when hi was 14.

You don't love your boyfriend.' he said. 'You're so much nsore sensuous. I cats idi you masturbate

three or four times o d.y.' He said he has to OItiC 14 timsa a doy and that he stops 100 women a week. Actually. he did smell like dried cOme.

.;:::-::__ _ -...,.L 'JU lIÇU &UIIÇI IIUIÇ LU

unlock your sensuality. You havent come to terms with your erotic side. Youre a caidron o(complexity. With you. I would deny you three cimes belote I hod sex with you. I'd play with you. I'd come but I wouldn't enter you. lt has to be an obsession, and I would guess you've never really needed it before. have you? I would never enter a woman without her needing me.'

He said. '1 have approached 1,000 women. No, it's more like 500. I've used 50 in my films'

What l've sought to do s test people with a

'The number of people I approach (>ii ihr street (about possible roles in movies) is about 65/35. male 'female not necessarily of any panicular The ratto of peuple I talk to in pc'hhi ti) age P(°t'1 I use n my movies is about 1 to 100. which n about che saine as other directors, I would say.'

and aggressive approach. b«ause . . the easiest way cou an tel I it someone is going ti) boul

be lcxist in Iront of a causera s usi to av 0lit. lust 1it it ail on the- rahk. without sugaroating, as boldly a possible.'

THI ¡TLURE

o, DANGER

LASTÓTRAWS

"TRUST ME'

-t Iik to live on che edgc. h; said, ido

d.n,.r.Ias things I k rhn winc on ti, «ir .Lb(,(It tcding violent tirn hi jctIotts ovcr sotneo:ic hc.iittig on him

cell

Lç

He alsogoc a call about gambling I-k toki me b. thought he hod it in him to kill aomeone, t wool] just be a

He said to do chis film we would have to live together to get to know each

other. I said. No thanks.

He tracked me down in Kyotojapan. where I was modeling. He wanted to fly me to his hotel in Santa Monica. I told hm j wasnt as weird as on the hrst time we met at che Harvard Club. I alio said Id been hulumk. He s.aid. You're wonderful. however you arc! I thought it might be my big break, but first j telegrammed the friend wed had drïnks with. asking if hr thought Tobak would cxpeit mc to have sex if I did go to Santa Monica. He wrote right back Ofcoure.' t

He claimed that his ass was on the line with this project and that the mob was on

his tail. He even tri.d to .t m. to behive that he could hove hod piopi. killed to get movies EIUdC fl the past.

I told him he was scaring me with the dirty talk. so he changed the subject for a while hut always worked back around by dcmwiding, Whv dont you trust ms? This is for the hIm. Yotill have to use these words in the movie.

What du voti want ¡nr to say for purs' usen hr went on. .1 low often do you masturbate' Do you enjoy sex during your peried Ile wanted me to take offrny shoes su jie utuld massage my feet because he knew dancers like that. No was. I said. .1 cant work with people who arc ¿(raid of rue! l.istcn. j tiave an idea. Stnd up. Conte over here and

touch my ni$.s (.omc on. just touch them. Thin M come and you ati trust me. because youll see rhat tha(s ¿jI I iiccd to be really turned osi. YOLi dont have lu tIti anything morc' 1 like to constantly surpri

He said. ï rejuire complet.

myscjf, I go ro

sleep at 4:00 am. anti Im fascinated with the 2:00 am, ireaturcs. he said. He talked about living with Nostouio Kinaki. and how he tried

trust and a jump of faith I can

e endlessly working with you. but I would need to know you co live beyond conventions and without domeslike no one else has ever known Ilcity in his life. Whet, he asked me il I considyou. And you would have to cred myselfan artist. that somehow led to him truetme more than you have saying that whether he has killed 40 everpeople trusted anyone. or none. hv knows h. hoe o kilkrs instinct. 1 will du

ani'th.ng

1ople kep coming tnto the othce while we were talking. To one guy he said. Thts is Kas; sites considering fucktng me right now. She hasnt lucked anybody hut her husband in seven years. but she's really tempted to luck mc. All these women were constantly calling. After one call he said. I cant believe that as h& I was walking down Central Park West and this woman came out of the hushes and said. Come over here. I really want to luck you. She just dragged me into the bushes. So we lucked. and it was really great. And that was just hcr! He gave me a safe-sex rap too: he said he gets every girl teated before hell have sex with them. He said, Just touch my nippks ond ru conis. I decided to leave; he said he still wanted me ro read with Robert Downey Jr.

can tu get

iht iSSt

j netl.

weed out people where therv will bC any offense .1 immediately

or indignation, any hasrter to j m incereseed in who has good stones ro cell. the wikirar pt.rson in his sexual being open.

________I

He was cal:ng it* late at night (tir a while to teli tic aU .ihout his exrlo,1s I blew liiiii eifil jlir ncx time he called, he bovtrivtd iit sick uf the calls. .4tçI }W hail people over and I h,ujj ¿Uni oser t, lits bous,- j went and iIi.making all these dates or kcr iii liii? phdnc LCX ringing and iuha.k ritigiti He avoided those Whets I rvviiiiig And the doorbell was ktl with ihr others. .inoth« omati. tri a 'oi unsin swr.iNhirt. Was eu lirt I lis dxrhcll rang while wert :110 a in it,. The laM time hr alIcd it talking. He weilt ici get it anti I heard a girls volti. I heard Ittin sa Jutit get Coke and s en the couth Sit on tite &s,tiih' I winced ws knew ilh liad a girL.. sv ii lie just said she was titis TIiC and ht ws slit duing there M I (io Itttk itig frrnn the hrnnx. I got really mail I Ir catil, Arc y.0 still g.uig r be up in 4- minutes' Let me ¡ust fvdi thIs i,I end Ill cil yv beck I not to bother. .tt

--_______________________ - l would bring you to the point where you need me so badly you wM put gsmtoyourhd.

run rito mt shirt people aho are noi inreerired n working Hut I 'ies. isave never talked to anyone where I haven t been upen md hitneat and dire« I

t'i

197 1 by

a major publishing

house) about the orgies in which he had participated while

hanging out at alleged girlfriend beaterfootball legend

,%I

J im Browns house. The most salient piece of artistic advice

Beatty is said to have given Toback is to always include one

small part for a pretty young actress in every motion picturc - and to schedule auditions for that part late in (he day. Out in (he field, Toback can

I4pw$Irlr!k

frequently be spotted casting future major motion pictures in the Fairway Market at Broad-

way and 74th Street, whiling away entire afternoons importuning females as they shop for

::i: TL NV

fresh fruits and cheeses. And no doubt he enjoys satisfyingly in-

aP ,o oe p 30 OCT O 1x1 O

o ae

OCT Oz

T 03 o

.-., 04

Lnc ,,

Forp4

timate relations with at least I

Bevlc.

170! 02

'.r.q. LVflCN

la 11

Qitii Roo. Dinn,,.

40i ยก300

lvsrag, D1n,,

L30

20* 37

m,.

2.7:

201

0.14

I0O

604

Ooi 043 o,

t5 065

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loo

oo.

69 24 73 :19

nately, the dictates of scientific responsibility require us to say no doubt because, hard as we tried, we were unable to inter-

1479

4Q3

Orali Ort

percent of them. Unfortu-

2I 4068

647 215

view exactly ยก00 of Tobacks pickupees. We did speak at

065

some length with 1 3 of them,

though, each of

7395 2630

1.77

83 0.43 3.26

spent a minimum of five mmutes in his presence, some of

42. 33

7420

Caint i,

them hours moreand all of whom had lots and lots to

ol't1รง o,.,, ,,,. b*aIt. on a 'gu1mr W*r1,, O*% po,

Ith, t.

share with us. Many, we can reveal here, were offered parts - how novel! - in major motion

pictures to be directed by J ames Toback.

Toback offered us no movie roles. Instead, after responding cooperatively to some very general questions concerning this

article (see bottom line of foldout chart), he became agi-

tated. .1 am going to be dangerous - I dont care what the consequences are, he told an editor, adding unnecessarily,

am not a normal human being. Toback then offered a sUggestion: -I would like [the writer of this article) to PUt up

all of her money, and I'll put up ten times that much, and then have each of us take a lie deeaor test. I ivi/I make a bei of an)' amount that I UI/I pass the lie detector test. After as-

TOBACK'S STREET TECHNIQUE'BY VINCENZA DEMETZ MARCH 1989 SPY 84

THE MAN WHO t.ETS TOBACK BE TOBACK J

F E: P

UFF

U II

I%'I

E: u c F

I II

"This movies been playing inside my head my whole life, " says James Toback, standing beside a rented plant, wearing a floorlength black leather overcoat. "Nobody's ever made a film like this before." He takes a long pull of Diet Coke. "See, I have this

Kanter recalls meeting Tobock in 1987 at a party thrown by

theory about Creationthat Creation is God's orgasm and that the universe is His come spurting out into time and space." Last summer, thanks to the intervention of a financial an-

and we didn't leave each other" Kanter pauses to let the significance of this sink in " until 3: 15 in the morning." At the end of this late-night

Mario Cuomo at Club El Morocco. "I'm married for 35 years and I'm accustomed to seeing the eleven o'clock news and going to sleep at 1 1:30. But Jim and I started talking at a quarter to flirte

gel named Joe Kanter, Toback

WILL THE REALJAMES TOBACK

had six days and an empty,

PLEASE PIPE DOWN?

newly built $2.8 million house in Tenafly, New Jersey, to bring

Comparing big talkerdirector James Toback with James Tobacks

to life his own creation, a documentary called The Big Bang. He assembled, among others, a nun, an Auschwitz survivor, a basketball star, a Shearson

idealized version oíJamesToback (Robert DowneyJr.) in his 1987 film, The Pick-Up Artist, gives us a special insight into how he sees himself.

masturbate? Is orgasm your most satisfying state of con-

James Tohak 44, about 200, balding I

played the White House and a 12-man breakdance group.

"Who but Jim would have thought of that?" Kanter, the

Jack Jerich' 2!. about 140, full head of hair Teaches graik ghool, 'ares (oc his

not shy

ms-a1iJgrandmnchee,savcsagirl's

XEMPLARYPICKUP LINE

director. Pk.c

Hasanyonecvertokiy'ouyouhas'e the(.isco1.Boctxelliandthebody ot a Degas'

Sa»hesiiutagambIebutcir-

ich)))

RvaIIy, I am.

AMBLINGHABITS

FrvsiucntsOTh ,

use

h(x)kie atnds Gan hkes AHOI)ThOUS W .0Cc t arlicr

age with a violin soloist who

guy I'm looking for. You're the guy that's going to make this movie with me.'

tion. "Jim said this was a new type of film that had no prece-

Iativ:t (torn inobsctis

sciousness? Where is God?). He plans to intercut this foot.

"Jim says, 'Joe, you're just the

Haunted by his encounter Or how he wants us to see him. Or how he wants credulous video- with Toback, Kanter couldn't sleep. "And I use the word renting women to see him. haunt because Jim used he says, eyes full of admira-

Lehman Hutton executive, a New Yorker writer and an asNAME tronomer and filmed them an- AGE, WEIGHT, DEswering his questions about (JREEFBALDN OBVIOUS VIR11JES sex and the cosmos (What do

you think about when you

session, Kanter continues,

mc VhC,

Qlmstan«s k.id him to win Sys.00() at roulette by betting all his money Ofl

One spin of Che wheel

TISGJI(Y UNSAVORY ASSoCIATIONS FINANCIALSTAThS

ISCONSIDF.RED

CHARMINGBY

Claims co have' b«n chrcatt-ncd by t) Sc 05 ob pay his Hie yard Club bill 'so Chishe Young. 51, a«)ulouswnm s)

financial angel, says in his

Shoursdownmobscersinaowikd Aclanuc City easno and hies

Doesncpayhisrcntncimc .

His landlord; thr neighborhood grngroceecheiopswhoaIways caish him making out with women inhsscar;theowner,stthelocal diner; his grade hooI pupib; a mug gcratConcylslandandcveiywoman In the hIm but onc. who musc be alesboorsomerhing

cent or it could be so fantastic,

it would make a great deal of money. But more important, it could really be a role model for

what film could do in the way of art. My life s richer and more .

meaningful because of Jim Toback," Kanter continues. Indeed his 6 hours and 30 minutes with Toback, he says,

brought him to a deeper level

of intimacy than he'd ever

sunny southern accent. "Mixing Bach with breakdancers" Watching the shoot, Kanter, 65, glows with the radiance of

reached with most of his old , friends. "This was not small talk. He asked questions about the cosmos and life and death

the rich. Chairman of the board of the Bank of Florida, he

and sexmeaningful questions that we all want to ask but

cofinanced Ironwecdand is Toback's business partner in The Big Bang. Sometimes he naps on the rented bed in the production office, sometimes he jogs around Tenafly in the running clothes he always carries with him. But what Kanter likes best is being on the set, collaborating with a genius his genius. Kanter is amazed by almost everything Toback does, so much

don't have the guts." He sprities some breath spray into his mouth. "Some of these sex questions I haven't even talked about to my wife, " he admits. "But if one person comes away from this movie and learns to communicate, if the world out there that copies America's hamburgers and jeans and music, if they start communicating

so that when he was unable to recruit investors with his own enthusiasm for the film, he put up half the budget himself.

the heads of Africa and Egypt!-then life could imitate art!"

Toback, also using his own funds, provided the other half.

Sitting in the foodless kitchen, dressed in a blue work shirt ("bought on Rodeo Drive") and a silk jacket ("made in Italy"), 8 SPY MARCH 198')

P.ujISt'wj

He pauses at the enormity of this thought and then adds, "Well, everything has to start somewhere, doesn't it?"

- Jomie Diamond The Big Bang has no scheduled release date.

fO[

¿ ¿ /jit % I ¿)ri 4e /2_t

,Cr1 4 ç,', ç v4

jus n j

¿;.(

' ,)7r1 J j i e -i

ForgtIt de!ieryofLa Grande Passion anywtwe. call 1.SQO-CHEERUP i exceo where prohbted by w Produc o

(i. U J

i k

t'td fii cl-i

? ¡rn«,p-z

ace 8 poo. * 1988 Caron Imporws. Ltd.. Teaneck, Ñ.J.

. combustible liq-

apocalyptic highlights.)

parking lot and other

Maps for chemicals released into the air, radon clouds hovering in homes, ten tons of asbestos sitting in o Bronx

thing; see future SPY

couldn't include every.

into sewers, but you may not want to hear about it. (Note: we

ries ore required by law to report chemicals released through smokestacks and air vents or

BOARD signs. And facto-

waste on the streets of Now York thon SABY ON

there's more medical

inhale. These days

many of us don't know when and where not to

tonium "as long os I don't inhale it, " but

stand right next to plu-

A utility spokesman claims he can safely

in9 metaphorically here.

awash in radioactive, infectious and otherwise hazardous waste and we're not speak-

be acceptable, but in and around Manhattan we're

and smog ratings may

standing in it. New York's tap-water

You're probably

ous. . . radioactivematerial, or any other poison0Li5 substance.'

gas which is poison-

corrolive material, nonflammable compressed

uid, fiommable solid,

uid

plosive or flammable liq-

Authority as 'any ex-

63RD STREET-EAST

TWEEN BREEZY POINT

LOWER BAY BE-

TER COMPANY In

PYMM THERMOME-

tiloted basement for two years. (The State Supreme Court set aside the guilty verdict on o technicality.(

only in esposing o new leak The

city's Environmental Protection Department says the groundwater

waste bore labels trarsi two Bronx

abandoned two other contami-

inhale mercury fumes in an uncen-

wells, which have sa far succeeded

of assault for forcing workers to

owners William and Edward Ppmm

1987 a Brooklyn jury convicted

'Th

(i't

four public wells have

LONG ISLAND Fifty'

(J3

hundred forty'two

LONG ISLAND One

cleanup allocations.

qualify for federal Superfund

hazardous-waste disposal sites, of which 22 arc poisonous enough to

been closed because of contaminatior, from f.rtdizors and pet feces.

years to dump sewage sludge, lead and dioxins.

disintegrated concrete, and rusted pieces of track.

SANDY HOOK Site used for 73

are rotted electrical equipment, staloctites of what appears to be

OCEAN,

(! TEN MILES EAST OF :1'ATLANTIC

PCBs, heavy metals and other variously lethal sediments.

neers' proposed dump site for

Beach is the Army Corps of Engi.

ways, Coney Island ar.d South

AND GREAT KILLS HARBOR A thousand yardi from the Rocko'

:'::

river os deep as six feet. Featured

tic, Phantom-like, garbage-filled

seepage and has become o rornon-

tunnel is flooded from leaks and

:.:

along the street. Some of the

are still at large. Mobil is on the cose, however, digging recovery

ond napfitha, 17 million gallons of which have leaked into the ground uve, 40 years; 14 miIl,on gallons

lion gallons of fuel oil, gasoline

MOBIL OIL STORAGE TANKS, GREENPOINT This is where Mobil stores 23 mii'

j RIVER SUBWAY TUN. NEL After S850 million and 20 years, the still'unuscd ì'milc .

cal g'oves and forceps with skin still attached were found Strewn

able hotpttol sheets, adult diapers, food waste, srinqes, bloody sirgi.

TWEEN MEEKER AVE. NUE AND BRIDGEWATER STREET, GREENPOINT Eight bags of dispos'

j VAN DAM STREET BE-

RHODE ISLAND, LAKE ERIE

CONNECTICUT, NEW JERSEY,

FEATURE ENTERPRISES, 130 WEST

ton every week, Sodium hydroxide fatal to animals.

¿rj

is ruined. Surprisingly, Mobil PR man Mark Cohen disagrees: "It's not true."

Gamma rays outside the building ore only 40 times thc legal limit; inside you get your yearly dose in two and s holt hcurs, The owner

handling and losing radium.

safety violations. including miv-

cancer therapy, and storing it in violi that leaked. Since 1983 it's rcceived over i 14 citations for state

BROOKLYN, QUEENS, STATEN ISLAND, LONG ISLAND,

,')

Amsterdam Avenue.

RADIUM CHEMICAL CO., WOODSIDE Its operating license was resoked in 1983. but that didn't stop the 76year-old company from recciing at least 30 more shipments of radium, used the Dark Ages of

_.#'

I-

pounds of sodium hydroxide per year into city sewers - almost a

across town at i 14th Street and

whcrc.

ALL BEACHES:

manufacturer, empties 98,000

on cdministrator at St. Luke'sRoosevelt Hospital Center, way

level radioactive waite owoiting shipment to dispooI sites else-

46TH STREET Feature, o jewelry

Modern Heofthcarc addressed to

mostly for lob chemicals OEnd Iow

without o permit

contaminated soil from the site

hundrcds of nccdlcs, scalpels, bloody gauze pads, blood-filled tubes and vials, and on issue of

CORPORATION, WILLIAMSBURG The Supermon-ihIy named Rodioc ii o itorøg +ociIut.

moved 1,700 truckloads of PCB-

switched roles: o block-long trail of

RADIAC RESEARCH

prone to autïsm.

that their child,en are unusuallt

ease and other kinds of cancer, and

os o result they arc disproportion' atcly afflicted with Hodgkin's dii'

ing into Long Island Sound and Easrchester Boy. Residents of nearby communities believe thot

Or corporations to illegolly dump toxic wcstet that may now be leak-

PELHAM BAY LAND-

ough Bridge and Tunnel

Ci ¿ FILL From 1963 to 1979 this spot was used by 14 mo-

Hazardous moterial is defined by the Tribor-

ario

prirnorilyfrorn nueIarpowcr

iNDiAN POINT INDIAN POINT

powip STATION Shore-

SHOREHAM NUCLEAR

PLANT,ROCHESTER

GINNA NUCLEAR

NIJCLFAR PLANT,

JAMES A. FITZPATRICK

NINE MILE POINT ONE, NINE MILE POINT TWO

2. 3,

noted soil has been

BELLPORT Contorni-

BROOKHAVEN N*-

TIONAL LABORATORY.

Just on isotopes throw

235 EAST 44TH STREET

NEW YORK HARBOR

j Three billion gallons a

CITY, WEST

to the Environmental Protection Deportment, someone furtively rn

MADISON AVENUE It's os if Nan

el and Gretel and the witch

state limit.

,ì

SION

condo peddler Donald Trump's lot. cSt plans for the site of his defunct NBC relocation scheme. According

:.ìi

END AVENUE BETWEEN 59TH

PLAYGROUND AT 135TH STRFT AND

juLTRUMP (NE TELEVI

sewage end up here.

tictdcs, fertilizcrs, oil, grease and

AND 72ND STREETS Boorish

ERATOR The latest

GREENPOINT INCIN-

day of waste water containing pes-

.. ..

MISCELLANEOUS POLLUTERS

INC RE 11 lE N T S

MYSTERY

like ths hcs ever happened ' r

. Bar-

nabas spokeswoman Bai1bora Buchner told the Perot 'Norfting

knowledge of the bags, and

Spokesmen at both dend any

Hopitol for the Chrorc Stck.

haspitals, St. Barnabas od Hebrew

sttc for Cabrini Medical Center in Manhattan to illegally dispose of its infectious wotte, according to Deportment of Sanitation charges

1m¼.r

£Q'JIPMENT FOR FREE

DOCTOR'S

VALUABLE

history of the company, there has never becn a safety-related mcident"; it was uidcr criminal investigotiOn by the state Attorney General' Office at he time.

1987 o spokesman claimed, "In the

tory on Third World countries. In

noted factories, in Georgia and Iiinais, forcing those states to pay for the cleanup; he ws last seen tryng to foist off his Woodside tnven-

radiatioi at breIs three times the

Chemical Company and now emits

from Katharine Hepburns brownstone, the building was occupied from 1939 to 1944 by the Rodiuni

p4f a.

tire-waste producer.

UPTON Prolifk low-level radiooc-

fer business.

Long Ilond Nucleot Ser.ices Corp., a nuclear-waste storage and trans

found ot the torn,er titO Of the

I .?

another 10000 years for Shoreharn to stop glowing in the dark.

years to dismantle the plont nd

boondoggle fcr S i i consummated, it would then take at cost 2 to S years for on environmental-impact study probably S to 10 more

far the stare to buy the LILCO

this writing, but f Cuomo's plan

ham's fate s still up n the air at

-- I

_tz_"

OS WE GO

OSWEGO

BUCHANAN

I1.1

prone orcos," says the Arnericon Nuclear Society. Yes, generally' except for all of the ones around NewYork.among them:

located away from earthquake-

Nuclear po wer pio nts ore gene rally

plcMs, hospitals and rciearch labs.

com

THE DARK Rødiooct.c wust in th

GLOWI6 IN

'j j

;. I :

j' L4

- p !P'

HUVV CAMP CHANGED FROM LUSH TO UTE, FIY DAVID LETTERMAN IS A GOD,

OUR FIELD GUIDE TO THE UNVIITTINGLY HIP AND THE FASHIONABLY UNFASHIONABLE,

AND AN INTRODUCTION TO THE TINY CONVERSATIONAL ART OF AIR QUOTES

Meet Bob and Betty.

Bob is wearing \L\R

a SPY

vintage clothing boutique for approximately six times the garmcnts original 1952 price. He also carries his lunch in a tackle box and wears a Gumby wristwatch, Converse high-tops and baggy khakis from Banana Republic; at the store, the pants had been stacked in an artfully ruined Indiana Jonesstyle jeep. Bob describes his look as Harry Truman mixed with early Jerry Mathers. Bob assumes we know that Mathers played the title role on Leave It to Beaver.

Betty wears Capri pants, ballet flats and a man's oversize white shirt, along with a multizippered black-leather motorcycle jacket imprinted with Cyrillic letters. She's Audrey Hepburn by way of Patty Duke as James Dean's girlfriend waiting on the drag strip. Betty refers to herself as Bobs Sold

lady. Bob calls himself Dad. When Bob and

LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE TALKING How Hand Semaphore Evolved from Thumbs-Up Earnestness to

Air-Quotes Irony

1935- 44

Betty describe themselves in these ways, they raise the middle and forefingers of both hands, momentarily forming twitching bunny ears air quotes, the quintessential contemporary gesture that says, We're not serious.

Betty and Bob have a child, a two-year-old whom they call Kitten. The child is probably too young to catch the reference to Father Knows Best, even

though she sits with her parents when they watch Nfrk at Nite, the cable TV service devoted almost entirely to the quasi-ironic recapitulation of shows from the early 1960s. The invitations to Betty and Bob's wedding were printed with sketches of jitterbugging couples; for their honeymoon they rented a station wagon and drove south, visiting Graceland, Cypress Gardens and the Texas School Book Depository. Betty and Bob buy Fiescaware and Bakelite jewelry and beaded injun belts, as well as souvenirs from the 1964 World's Fair and

atomic furniture from the fifties rea1 Jetsons stuff. Bob has taught the family mutt, Spot, to do the twist. Bob dreams that his animal will one day appear on the Stupid Pet Tricks' segment of Late Night With David Letterman. Bob works in advertising, like Darrin on Bewitched. Betty is a

corporate attorney - a lawyer from hell, she says. Bob and Betty are fictional, but Bob and Berry are everywhere. Welcome to the wacky, totally awesome, very late- I 980s world of heterosexual camp, Camp Lite. This is the era of the permanent smirk, the knowing chuckle, of jokey ambivalence as a way of life. This is the Irony Epidemic. No WONDER IT'S COME TO THISWE'VE BEEN

building up to a mass outbreak for a century. Oscar Wilde was a major celebrity, remember, even in America. There were the Symbolists and Ronald

Firbank and DadaMarcel Duchamp was the Letterman of his generation as much as he was the

Schnabeland Hollywood comedies of the 1930s. It was Cary Grant's ironic swerves that put him 94 SPY MARCH 1989

when Grant refers to Bruce Baldwin, played by Ralph Bellamy, he describes him as that guy who looks like that Iella in the moviesRalph Bellamy. From the 1940s through the 1960s, America had plenty of everything big appliances, steady jobs, Crest with fluorideeverything except irony. Bob's and Betty's parents, having survived a depression and a world war intact, were perhaps disinclined to dress up in outfits amusingly evocative of the Hoover era, or to see the inherent comedy in their new tract houses. Little Bob and little Betty, however, sprawled in front of the Sylvania, gorging on Hydroxes and doing their social studies homework between Soupy Sales and The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show, were learning to bite

the hands that overfed them, ironists in the making. Instead of war and economic cataclysm, their coming-of-age rituals consisted of signing petitions and taking drugs; more than any previous generation, they have the luxury of making fun, of grinning and scoffing, of being ironic. Irony has always been a luxury item, but now, like foreign travel and original art, it is a luxury that millions of people can afford. When you have spent your whole life on Easy Street, you can become Dan Q uayle, or you can become part of the Irony Epidemic. Or, if you're of a mind to organize an absolutely nutty George Hamilton Memorial Limbo Competition at the country club, both. Among the early symptoms of the Irony Epidemic was pop art. Paintings of soup cans, paintings of Elvis, paintings of comic-book panels, sculptures made out of detergent boxes . . . hey, art isn't serious, it's a hoot! The allusions were to fifties Hollywood and sixties television, not to Periclean Athens or the eighteenth century; irony was suddenly accessible, irony was fun.

The year for pop art was 1964, the same year Susan Sontag published Notes on Camp. Sontag's essay was like a thrilling, open-ended mother's excuse note for a whole generation of gifted children: To Whom lt May Concern:Johnny bas my permission to enjoy TV andJacqueline Susana books. The most serious woman in America gave her imprimatur to a jolly, perverse sensibility that was,

back then and in the main, homosexual and male,

a sensibility that embraced pop junkJudy Garland, complicated floral prints, truck-stop waitresses, The Supremes, plastic purses, the tango, whatever - as well as the high-culture obligatories. A campy outlook, Sontag announced, permitted refined people to wander happily through an unrefined world: if you can't prevent Miami Beach, you can learn to love it, sort of. During the sixties, irony was camp, camp was irony. Camp was patented by gay men; camp is a kind of gay soul . Ostracized groups tend to create their own art forms, out of necessity; soul music, with its

gospel heritage. means something to Arerha Franklin that it cannot possibly mean to Hall and Oates. Old camp obsesses on the brazen, the sophisticated. even the European. Old camp wants to puffa cigarette in an ivory holder while lolling Iatop a baby grand at the Ritz. Old camp fetishizes self-sacrifice and romantic agony, the scale of emotions usually available only to women, especially women in important wigs. Notes on Camp' was still ricocheting around intelleauals heretofore orderly brains Diana! Lionel! We'vejust got/en backfrom Disneyland, ojal! p/aces.'whcn Robert Venturi wrote his book

\ j -

/94 I 4;,;

AMP LITE DOMESTIC LIFE "CL.OTHI"

FOOD"

Sno

Ray-Ban Wayfarers

Balls

Orcos

Schott leather jackets

Fizzics

Beaded cashmere sweaters

SMores Flurternuttersor any dessert

Madras sports jackets and Bermuda shorts

made from a recipe on the Rice Krispies or Ritz crackers box

Oversize 'vintage' overcoats Seamed hosiery

Tuna casserole

Garter belts

Je[lO

Old prom dresses

Cheez Whiz

Pigs-in-blankets 1-v

Gaudy neckties worn with gabardine shirts and suspenders Levis jackets with Elvis or Marilyn hand-painted on the back

dinners

ADULT LEISURE ACTIVITIES"

Opera gloves

Twister

Patent-leather purses

Etch A Sketch

Bright-colored Converse high-tops

Tee We Tooiiss three-volume set of television theme songs, Television 'i Greattit Hits Trade paperbacks that detail every episode of The Honeywooner, The Beverly ยก-ijllbjIIjt'J or

U (IUfl

Boomerang-shaped tables Patterned linoleum Beanbag chairs

Gilhgan j Is/and

i.ava lamps

Slumber parties, bachelor parties and sock hops

Black-and-white RCA TVs Framed pre- 1970 L:fe magazine covers

Barbecues Bowling

Jukeboxes

Cocktails after work

- P.R.

celebrating Las Vegas, thus pushing architecture off on its own snickery detour. After Venturi (even his name sounded like sorne kitschy car, an Impala with fins and cruise control), major buildings could

-l-._7J::

(

I//i I(

(

look like billboards and motelsas long as they looked that way ironically. Or major buildings could have columns and gables and keystones and all kinds olquaint bric-a-bracas long as the oldfashioned geegaws were applied ironically. Warhol, Sontag, Venturi then, during the same Big Bang, Bairnan came to TV, demonstrating that ordinary Americans would go for stylized, mock-

bad entertainment. Roy Lichrenstein was primetime. Camp Lite had arrived. The larger epidemic of irony, meanwhile, was spreading more slowly. The counterculture was virtually irony-free: for every Firesign Theater record, there were hundreds of Earth Day manifestos, Jane Fonda declarations of solidarity, J ohn Lindsay displays of earnestness, communal suppers of tofu and human placenta. J ust when it became clear that John Lindsay and placenta-eating were not going to transform the world, an irony industry sprang up to fill the void. Bob had subscribed to National Lampoon when he was still in high school; for their first date, Bob took Betty to the Lampoon's Off-Broadway show, Lemmingi-, their first purchase as a couple was a color Sony, bought so they could watch Saturday Night Live. In a few years, a generacions perpetual frown had become a perpetual smirk. One minute everything had been deadly earnest. The next minute everything was amusing. Gerald Ford bumping his head was funny. Patty Hearst as a revolutionary bank robber was funny. Jimmy Carter fighting off a rabbit was funny. Even Richard Nixon, once he had been purged, became a laughable character, Oscar the Grouch with underlings. Thanks to Steve Martin and Bill Murray and SCTV, schlock comedians and schlock singers were funny unintentionally so, ironically so. The entire malformed, third-rate pop culture universe was, in fact, suddenly a wellspring of

unwitting mirh, of 'found burnor.' To get the joke, all you had to do was what you had always done best watch a lot ojTV: game shows were funny, cheap late-night commercials were funny, cable (especially public-access cable) was funny, J ack Lord was funny, Marie Osmond was funny, Tom Snyder was funny, Jerry Lewis and his telethon werc funny and none ofthern knew it, which made them all the funnier. Even chunks of nontelevised life - trailer parks, theme parks, the National Enquirer, the New York Post. morticians'

trade magazineswere funny. The Irony Epidemic was just gathering steam when Bob and Betty first started going to certain movies (Plan 9frorn Outer Space, for instance) because they were so bad, and it

had achieved its full range when there was a whole subculture devoted to bad movies bad-film books, bad-film festivals, bad-film scholars (see Camp Lite Goes to College,' page 96). Camp Lite consists especially of a fetishism for the good-old-days artifacts that the Irony Epidemic has

turned upRay-Bans and skinny ties, Sergeant Bilko and Bermuda shorts. The rise ofCamp Lite can be traced to the Hollywood nostalgia productions of the 1970s: American Graffiti and Animal House, Grease and Happy Days. These were the works that portrayed the fifties and early sixties as something to be pined for, something cute and MARCH 1989 SPY 9

/967 7J

pastel-colored and fun rather than racist and oppressive and un-air-conditioned. Whereas camp during the fifties and sixties emerged from the more passionate. fabled art forms of ballet, opera and Joan Crawford vehicles, Camp Lite is almost purely the spawn of fifties and sixties television, with its bland sitcom chuckles and tiny, comfy dilemmas. Camp Lite is limked to the nonintellectual, to lunch boxes and memories of summer Scout outings. True camp, homo- or heterosexual, lampoons and adores, while Camp Lite reflexively eulogizes and coddles. Camp can curdle in the benign clutches of 10 million Bobs and Bettys, and in nostalgia junkyards such as Nick at Nue. When a minority form is coopted, there is always a loss of dynamic, of nuance. Imagine a Debbie Gibson rendition of Respect. Consider Bruce Willis's Camp Lite pseudo-Bogie shtick. Camp Lite at its massmarketed worst - Spuds Mackenzie, Hard Rock

Cafes, Willishas no edge, no gilded layers. Its allusions can become entirely arbitrary. The new Fox science-and-technology TV show, Beyond Tomorrow, features human Camp Lite artifacts Alan HaleJr., Jo Anne Worley, Mickey Dolenz, Charo in its commercials for no particular reaion, a Fox spokesperson says, just because . . . well. we thought the)' were cool. Even in its more wholesome forms, Camp Lite is mere Trivial Pursuit, a matter of lists, of congratulating oneself on remembering,

CMP

for instance, all the first names oi the Brady Bunch. The only thing more unnerving than the proliferation of air (lU0tC (Between my significazt other' and ,ny 'career. I .co,neli,ne.c wonder whether goingfor the good life znake sense) is when they imperceptibly fade away. Camp Lite, after all,

began with a genuine ironic impulsethe first few dozen l980s buildings with columns, the first few hundred times They laugh alike, they walk alike. at times they even talk alike' was sung by young adults late at night, the first few thousand men ho buttoned their top shirt buttons. But after a million and then 10 million repetitions, the once ironic gesture begins to lose the perversity that made it interesting in the first place. In the middle of an Irony Epidemic, nothing stays ironic for very long: in record time, the vogue for sixties fashion (peace symbols, miniskirts, DayGb) evolved from a jokey cognoscenti revival to a straight-faced mass-market merchandising phenomenon has already drifted, for the second time in two decades, toward the dustheap of the passé. From Avenue C to K Mart in five years flat, via Elle and MTV - such is the force of Camp Lite. A knowing Bohemian flicker becomes a mindless national bonfire, mock nostalgia turns into the real thing. What starts out as a perverse, essentially ironic appreciation of the detritus of the last several decades of porkpie hats, Mr. Ed, Twister, Led

Zeppelin, poodle skirtsvery quickly becomes an

Shopping Mall (1985) Study ofSoap Operas' (1985)

the Eliot canon and tribal courtshiç rituals. You can (lUOte both Roland Barthes and Larry the dorm janitot

. 'Organized Summer Camping:

(a typical McDuck fan). ks all a

Institution of Stability for

slightly more intellectual version of

. 'All My Children: A Literary

LITE GOES TO COLLEGE

Ari

American Youth in Times of Transi-

the Bu:

tWO (1986) . . 'I Heard lt Through the Grape-

dinner-table argument. And nc

%'me': An Exploration of the

Twentieth-Century University

Jprezzatura. risk-t'ree scholarship: the text, the footnotes and the title page will lock perfectly legitimate to professors and parents, while the

you are still, after all, getting credit for reading cornici: indeed, you rc

Students"

topic (camouflaged in academic

. 'Why Spock Isnt Captain: Con-

jargon, as in Strategies for Heterosexual Interaction in Singles Bars)

trol and Self-Determination in

I. "What? Mc Study?: A Selective

Survey of the Mildly Antiauthoritorian Thesis Topics of Lote-

You're a college student. Its rime to choose a topic for your senior paper.

Motown Sound ( 1986)

flAR TREK (1987)

Dad. Jeui had long hair.

matter how hard you work on it.

living the undergraduate dream obeying authority while giving tht impression that you're not the sort

is a wink to classmates and your

You don't 'ant to wrire about Keats or feudalism like everyone else. You're not about to buy into

own ironic self that youre not really a grade-grubbing weenie.

lar Culture: The Mythification of

None of the titles cited in the

. 'Rhymin' and Stealin ': The

the whole academically corre« es-

preceding paragraph is, as far as we know, an actual thesis. Those cata-

Beastie Boys Phenomenon 1987' (1988)

loged below. howeverattention. Alla,, B/oom!arc real titles from Amherst, Harvard. Stanford and

Gets you thinking, doesn't it After all, s'ou have always thought

You've graduated. Your thesis

Yale.

Scrooge McDuck was an overlooked

grader conceded that Huey. Dewe)

manifestation of the Jay Gatsby

and Louic did resemble, to somt

tablishment thing. Plus, the only primary sources you know really. really well, the only texts in which you have a deep fluency, are old TV sitcoms, game shows, pop music, comic books, Like other ironically

Nostalgia for the 1960s in

pu-

of person who obeys authority.

the Age of Aquarius' (1988)

Il. "The 'Real' World: Toward ar Understanding of the Problem of P o s t g r a d u a t e - C a r e e r- D e c is io r

Deferral Processes"

inclined contemporaries. you'll

. 'The Glory Shall Be a Defense:

echos. You can champion the cause

extent, a zoomorphic tripartite Nick

write a thesis on pop culture: The

The L969 Mets and New York City (1984)

of the common man, proving the relevance and value of TV shows and T-shirt slogans by means of pseudo-Derridean deconstruction

C.arraway. Now what Get a job' That would be as embarrassingly straightforward as .... cIl . . hay'

Outsider as Hero of Urban Mythology in Supefl; and Sha/i, for instance. or Elysian Fielders: The

Chrono-Spatial Existentialism of Professional Baseball. lt's strident 96$PYMAR(H 1989

. Elvis as Hero of Global Village Culture (1984) . 'Rebuilding the Dream: Artifice and Authenticity in the American

and favorable comparison with such

ing written a serious thesis. The al' ternative Lu.e ¡be joke-graduate

accepted academic benchmarks as

school.

automatic, essentialls earnest appreciation. As this dede began , posrniodern archi eccs and painters vcre playing around, fun-lovingly quoting the taboo past with their cartoony colonnades and corny ar(hes. their human hgures and rea!is:1 tabicaux; beÍoc the decade was half over. the postnodernists wert proffering their columns and portraits with deadly eriousncss. As this dec4tk began Bob and Betty thought kidney-shaped cotee tables were amusing inonstros:ries: as thc: decade ends. Bob and Betty consider them nierely stylish. Does anyone think Neu Yorker editor Robert Gottlieb doesnt ,?a'//i like PIastR pttses? The Irony Epidemic has been a way for all kinds of taboo stvks to sneak past the tastefulness authorities Doit ,,,ind ii. ue.'e jI5I Aiddiiig and then, Once inside. turn serious. By the end of the Bush administration. Grand Funk R.ulroad will be on a smash comeback tour. During the Irony lpidcmic. even interesting artists become arr dirernrs in anrhropologists Lioching, advaiu.e men for Camp l.ite: in his film rriie Storie.. David Byrne .00cd over Dust Bowl trdiler aiks, teased hair and prefab shopping malls

/.'#_f

Susan Seideirnan, in films suh as liai rcp y-ay. laried io ¡he Ivlob and Alaking ìv1; Right. have also indulged in kitsch glu. piling the screen wir hot

petticoats to be applauded on their knack 1or retro chk. The trend toward re-created fifties chromium diners. like Ed Debevic's :n Chicago and L.A. , or Manhatrans Dine-o-Mats. are pure exercises in overeager Camp Lite merchandising. Dine-o Mat oil Third Avenue and 5 7th Street teems with where-irs-at youngsters at all hours; the genuine I bm & Hardart Automat (owned bs' the same corporation as the ersatz Dine-o-MaO. at 42nd and Third. is patronized by a few bums amid cops and household workers. Camp Lite produced the Monkees reviva I the brand-name-studded pages of Stephen King and Ann Beattic. the return of ugar smoking, white cotton anklets worn with high heels and the concept of Deb of the Year. (;alrlp Lite does not celebrate orsavage: it does nor gc-c its hands dirty. Camp Lite is about avoidance. Today's irony-stricken yuppie lives in terror of becoming . anything. Staking a claim can inspire ridicule: )oure a Iauve'Y Admitting to marriage. parenthood to iri,tcurity lii iplies aging. stolidity. 1f everything is a pose, a sitcom riff. then soute still a kid. just goofing around. Lhe punk movement, exported to the U.S. during the earl years o1 the Irony Lpidemic, became a pretext for a cerrin kind ofCamp Lite artifactsafety-pin jewelry. Astor Place Mohawks, Debbie Harry. And punk was a way for nerds to be cool; a ccrta;n lev artlessness and arch egghead

pink T-Bird converiblcs aiid rustling proni

lyrics (ly 6R1/ding ha.r every conz'enzence/lt s going

as if rnurmnurmg. J mii:! get ihat po/e /a'ìipfoi !oJL'

Dade around 1975, as papers on idside diners began appearing in

lemic journals and spaghetti-

pry

Direiiors John Waters. Jonathar Demme and

and an Rl:K memorial bolo rie. You fancy yourselfa human hodgepodge of amusing American trash.

REINTERPRETING THE FiniEs: CHANG.

mer 1985) Put in the context of the Happy Days format, was it a

This extensive list is cited because it reveals the complexity of television viewing behavior.

fecrionate grin. The implicit irony of

stable. simple era of Richie Cunninghams or a fantasy-land popu-

ically significant (e.g., Herman 4vilk) to the quaint and the cornopiace (e.g. . Herman Munster). w graduare school can be a per-

studying the Godzilla/Mothra

kited with Fonzie-like rebels?

mark-time paradise. scholarship a smirk, the ultimate noncom-

HGoing Pro: The Ethnosocio-

cal Implications of the PrePostdoctoral SeIf-JustificaProcess"

komc to the faculty.

Youve set-

in at your Qrrel, d«orating

Trans Formers and Caesars Palpostcaids. Your oflice hours arc

red on the door, between unirionally hilarious National Enrtr clippings and Xcroxed pages n the I 953 I

Boy Scoui Handbook.

go to all che grad-student

ce air quotes here mixcrs in ESSO gas pumper's jumpsuit

teasing and hair combing were

among some of these behaviors.

But somewhere along the way, the savvy smirk has become an al-

tta1 ironic life-style.

.1-v,

iN(i Vjtw or A Duu. DECADE (Sum-

stern experts became full proless, American Studies departments ned their attention from the his-

schism or K Mart iconography has

THE MCDONALDIZATION or SOC1ETY

(Spring 1983)

been replaced by reverence. You ac-

THF WHIMSEY AND ITS Cocrr.xis: A

rually start believiirg that Scrooge

MULTI-CULTURAL MODEL 0E MATERiAL

McDuck can tell us quite a hit

CULTURE STUDY

THE VENEREAL CoNFRoNTs THE

(Spring 1986)

'FNERAßLE: P-LAYOOY ON CHRISTMAs

abotit ourselves as Americans.

The model is illustrated by an ex-

(Winter 1984) The costumes

Eventually you trade in your hand-painted hula-girl tie and

amination of a distinct type of

white beard has fallen round her neck to cover the front of her ho-

Brooklyn Dodgers cap for a tweed a&et and Bean boots both worn. of course, ironically; once you were

beaded novelty object made by Tuscarora Iroquois women and mar-

keted as a souvenir in the tourist

som; her buttocks stick out from the costum&s waistband.

area of Niagara Falls.

Maynard G. Krebs, now youre

CALIFORNIA GIRLSANDTHE AMERICAN

EDEN (Winter 1984)

Professor Lawrence from Gidge:. In

- TImE LOVE BOAT ; HiuH ART ON THE

pursuit of tenure, you publish an article in the Journal of Arnerwan

study includes a surprising list of

COMIC BOOK LUDDITE: THE SAGA OF

some ocher behaviors that were observed to be accompanying or inter-

Summer l984)Asacomic book,

Culture,

put out by Bowling Green

State University and the Ipular

HIGH SEAS

(Fall 1983) The

Culture Association. You flesh out your McDuck thesis (expanding the Meyer Wolisheim/Gyro Gearloose parallel) and submit it. hs as relevant now as it ever was, and ifs sure to measure up alongside these actual

rupting viewing: looking out of windows, picking Ofl&S nose,

excerpts from recent issues of the

the TV . . . picking up objects . . pacing. asking questions about the

Jol:

scratching . . . smoking, rocking ... dressing and undressing, posing . reciting . . . fighting . . . throwing things . . . mimicking or answering

MAGNUS. ROBOT FIGHTER

(Spring/

falls into that amorphous category known as popular culture,' part ofrhe literature of the masses, the vernacular reading Magnni, Robo: Fighter

of the common folk. Because of rhis, comic books have only recently become the subject of serious scholarly inquixy. Paul Simzni MAR( II

)X) 5PY

life easyfor îiie) became, in the case of Talking Heads, ironic rock, Sondheim for kids. Dylan had made alienation stylish, but now ir chuckled instead ofwhined. As the Irony Epidemic kicked into high gear Sid Vicious, a bona fide angry young punk, recorded, sniggeringly, My Way. And today even rap music, the (]uintesscntial underclass form , incorporates snatches of thc I Dream ofJeannie theme; who says Camp Lite is lily-white? Victims of the Irony Epidemic do not dread commitment they fear uncoolness. When Bob vears his garish shirts or his black-rimmed nerd glasses. he implicitly announces, I am aware enough

By seeing Reagan as a joke, as Mr. Magoo or Don DeFore's dim Mr. B froto Hazel, young America denatured him. No one had to dwell on the ugliness of his policies if he was treated as a cartoon, sleepily wed to Cruella De Vil. Voting Republican l'ias become a pose rather than a sin. Air quotes abound nowadays. Air quotes eliminate responsibility for one's actions, one's choices. Bob tells co-workers wich a grin that heSs

to apprenait the .cquarcnc.us of this shirt und these

they won't imagine she actually enjoys her 12-hour days at the firm. Aïr quotes undermine any real art. The paintings of David Salle, endlessly and almost purely referential, Moonlighting, even Who Framed Roger Rabbitall of them are Xeroxed clip jobs, Cliffs Notes on fondly remembered original works of the past. Real art and regular hobbies you can happily experience in solitude. But given the choice, who would play miniature golf or go to a Cindy Sherman show alone Art in the age of air quotes requires a fellow smirker, someone else smart enough to get it. Irony is a group sport. A certain SOft of postgraduate hoy can go with other postgraduate boys to 'a'atch strippers and enjoy the sho's ironically; alone, he would consider himself pathetic. Camp Lite uses irony as an anesthetic, an escape route. It is a breed of timidity, a reluctance to rock the yacht. Camp Lite can redeem itself, by cultivating some danger, some bracing recklessness. some of the alienating weirdness that spawned it. Otherwise, Camp Lite will remain a smug reflex, a painless roost for guys 'n' gals without imagination or real spunk, a mask for easy condescension -I /oveJoe Franklin.' The place ofJoe Franklin may be a benchmark for the remarkable sweep of the Irony Epidemic, circa l99. Franklin now knov.'s he has become an object of jokes, a piece of found humor. He even claims to be complicit in the process. Look, my friend,' Franklin told the Timei, Billy Crystal, he's doing a satire on a satire. list putting on the whole world I'm tongue-in-checking every moment of my life.' Nor is he the only one: Thh Hunter appeared in a John Waters movie, Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello made the Camp Lite Back to the Beach in 1987, Robert Goulet was in both Beetlejiiice and Scrooged, Zsa Zsa Gabor and Charo flounced around on Pee-wee's CBS special last Christmas, Vanna White suggests she understands she's just a Pet Rock with blond hair and breasts. When the kitsch starts talking back Look, I know I, schlock, I knau; i'm ajoke it's almost enough to make a person turn earnest.

to make

Çk4

glasses; I don't like the,e i get them. When Betty dons her thrift shop Ilolly Gulightly strapless, she wears ir as a costume, so she cant be accused of becoming her mother. Bob and Betty idolize Letterman; because he keeps things goofy and light, there's no danger of embarrassment. Letterman is enormously talented, of course, hut he can become the hipsters Perry Como. Letterman, as the avatar of Camp Lite, as Mr. Ambivalence, is usually thrown b' anything truly, weirdly campy. Pee-wee Herman makes him uncomfortable, as does Sandra Bernhard. Pee-wee and Bernhard possess the heedless risk of true camp. They toy with gender, with anguish and dementia. TRUE CAMP

CAMP LITE

. Watching a videocassette of One Mi//ton Years B.C. , starring Raquel Welch as a cavewuman . Having a cookout. wearing madras Bermudas and playing Beach Boys talxs . Giving someone a copy of Jackie Collinss Hollywood Wives as a joke gift s

Ritual group viewings of Lifestyles of ¡he Rkh and Famous

Working OUt tO Raquels

exercise video and

wondering if Tahnec, Raquel's daughter, is a happy girl s

Attending the trial of a particularly ba-

roque serial killer . Buying a gown from The Dynasty CollecLion and wearing 1oecr Krystle toilet water . Watching only those L:fes:y/cs segments

that feature Donna Mills behind the Iron Curtain . Attending the Warhol funeral

Attending the Warhol auction

Letterman is far happier around people like Larry Bud Melman, his proprietary piece of flesh-and-

blood found humortargets, curious oafs, threatless.

Camp Lite tends to focus on the mild, the rural or suburban, and the male. Witness Letterman's fixation on small-town news items, on animal acts and the lad who nurtured the largest okra in luwa. Camp Lite yearns for childhood in a wheat field, adolescence ori the beach at Rinón; Dad at the barbecue is God. Camp Lite, at worst, is a cocktail parry that descends into group renditions of the

(

¿.%T'!/

98 SPY MARCH 1989

theme from The Flinistones and critical debates about whether Gill:gan ever got oW the island. The Reagan years have been Camp Lite incarnate, the great winking downside of the Irony Epidemic.

got to get home toraise hands, insert air quotes the little woman, or to ¡he wife and kids, as his family didn't really exist, as if he's still a wild

here

uazy guy. Betty tells friends she's ultra-Type A and, with air quotes, a yuppie madwornan, so and

ATINO MEAT LOAF NEAR THE UNIS LET US NO

PRAISE THE UNITTINGY

In big, interesting cities today (and nowhere more than New York) it seems that almost everything and everybody is hip willfully, relentlessly hip. There is slick-as-glass modern sophistication the women's store at Barneys, Broadway Video and the World Financial Center, Gregory Mosher and Richard Meier. And, more to the present point, there is quasi-Bohemian hip, the hip of those people and places with carefully calibrated ironic posesTrixie's, the East Village and Broadcast Arts, Paul ShatTer, Tama Janowitz, Buster Poindexter. Practically everyone is hipand everyone knows it. -i Except, that is, for the unwittingly hip. 1f the world today deaves into two groups, they are those who aĂŽimse themselves with kitsch (people like Paul Shaffer and Tamajanowitz) and

those who just plain likeor arekitsch. The unwittingly hip are a subset of the latter group, those precious few artifacts and entities and people and places that are accidentally, naively avant-garde it. The unwittingly hip is a niche occupied by just barely old-fashioned packaging and decorations of a certain no-longer-swanky era, by old Las Vegas and post-deco Miami Beach, by objects that have decayed in a way that happens to appeal to aesthetes at the end of the century. The unwittingly hip are those people and styles that are, in 1989, precisely the right number of years behind the times. ' There is unwitting hipness all over America and the world the rural South is chockablock with it, and beauty parlors are good bers. And New York, despite its aggressive stylishness, has a rich supply of the unwittingly hip. That's partly because the city still takes in tens of thousands of immigrants every year, earnest naĂŻfs who have neither the indination nor the training to be hip deliberately, people who wear wide Day-Gb flowered ties and clunky black Buddy Holly glasses because that's all they own, people who decorate their storefronts with tin and Caribbean aquas because that's what they know. It's also because in New York, the shopkeepers selling tinsel on 22nd Street or ladies' hats on lower Broadway for the last 30 or that look really, really cool

but don't know

40 years are still in business, looking just as they

did when Eisenhower was elected president and

Thus, with a mandate to document the innocently with-it and naively stylish wherever we found it, photographer JENNY LYNN roamed the city for atomic energy sounded neat.

days. The results of our search are on the following pages along with some of the corre-

sponding wittingly hip places and things that have proliferated during the Irony Epidemic. MARLU98') SPY

)

F-

:::f;

.l1

;

UNWITTINGLY

HIP:

Genroku Sushi's

conveyor-belt service, Avenue. WITTINGLY

HIP:

Fifth

Dine-o-Mats conveyor-belt

scrce, circo

1985, 175

Madison Avenue.

I UNWITTINGLY

HIP: OTB

habitue, Chinatown. WITTINGLY

HP:

Elvit Costello.

(

--.-!

UNWITTINGLY HIP: coke dipIoy with

lova lamp, Lo Deuce Pastry Shop, 372 Third Avenue. WITTINGLY HIP:

UNWTTINGLY

HIP:

leftover

HIP: Tootsi Plohound,

i 10

1940s shoes at Encslow Shoes. 924 Broadway. WITNGLY

sculpture

Prince Street.

Thomas Lanigon Schmidt,

mon Gallery (price: around

Holly Solo-

$30,000).

UwIrrINLYHIP:

r1.

UTTINGLYH:thel9Mรณ5 UHWITTINGLY HIP: Highlights

Worlds Fair unisphere, Fluch-

for Children. WITTIHGIY

Metropolis.

HIP:

Ifl9

Meadow Pork, Queen%.

WITTIร GY

HIP:

Globey, from

Pee-wee's Playhousc.

UNWITTINGLY HIP: win-

dow display at Fash-

ion Hats, 579 Broadway. WIrTINGLY HIP: window display at New r

Republic Clothier, 93 Spring Street.

.........

Iir' 1L: ¿ssTt11!

-?ssI,IIg

(Vffr.I1!uIwt

Ç4 V '...

f4q

T(I'

!L!.

i. .

w SPotJ!f

G:.)

I c' 'J .--.-

UIWITTINGLY HIP: sign in coffec shop,

UNWITTIN LY HIP De Witt Bros Tool

Second Avenue and 55th Street. Wir.

Company, 237 Lafayette Street. WITTINGLY HIP:

verStarRestaurant, 1236 Second Avenue. WITTINGLY

Meriken restaurant, 162 West 21st Street.

HIP:T-shirtfromDesignEast,7SecondAvenuc.

TINGLY HIP: SPY

mo%thead artwork.

UNWITTINGLYHIP plaeesei'hngatSil :

UNWITTINGLY HIP: as%orted current grocery-store-bought objects. WITTIPGLY HIP: menu and matches designed by M&Co. design firm for Rc%taurant Florent.

MARCH I9t9SPY W

UNwITTINGLY HIP: rn

loaf, $4.50 with two v tables, Blomsy Stone, Esghth Avenue. Wry-nH

HIP: meat Ioaf $8.5 pound. Dean L Delu 560 Broadway.

UNWITTINGLY HIP: posters in Vanity Fair Cleaners, 376 Third Av.-

-4

nue. WITTINGLY HIP: ade for Reminiecence clothing store

UNWITTINGLY HIP: street person, tower Broadway.

WITT1HGIY peP: Alice FarJey. performance artist.

IUNWITTINGLY HIP: Futurama Clean.

ers, 158 Avenue C. WITTINGLY HIP: BowI-O-Romc, published by Abbeville Press, 986

UNWITTINGLY HIP: oxidized copper

floater in older toilet tanks.

;:-102 SPY MARCH 19t')

WIT.

UNWITTINGLY HIP: Betty's Juice Stand, east side of Lofoyette Street at Bond.

TINGLY HIP: oxidized copper candie-

Wnipiy HIP: the Big Kohuno, 622 Broadway.

sticks from Rogers.Tropeo Inc

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copulating pandasyes, that's it exactly. Merkin is something of an eccentric himself, as no doubt he would be the first to admit (while grabbing you by the lapels and wheezing, Yeti knau I'm something of an eccentric myself). Many of his columns

11OBSING , I

tJ l%J I

include his pet articulation, rnidtb, a grating, pseudo-Chaucerian neologism that apparently means the same thing as amid: When I was growing up in Gotham, midrh a plethora of shops . .

(Merkin on ordering clothes from cata-

Midth a plethora of old

logs); A long haul with

afew ofthe pack mules

. . . (Merkin on retirement); Here, midth the 'bop cardigan& and the

uniforms

pegged pants with contrasting saddle stitching and 'pistol pockets'

ofthe rag trade

(Merkin

on himself as a young dog); Midth the conformity of this Kevin Costner Look-

alike Contest that runs from coast w

IGN*TZ

RAZTWIZKIWZKI

A merkin is awell. isnt a merkin a sor ofsmall kind ofwig A miniature type of basically triangle-shaped hairpiece? But small A sort of wiglet? Worn (Juite privately? GQ's arbiter of style, Richard Merkin, is one of those people who seem to he simply bursting with R E V I EW o personal styleso much SO that he defies ordinary E

labels. GQ identifies him as an artist and writer who lives in New York. But you get the feeling from reading his monthly column, called Merkin on Style, that mere nouns come nowhere close to capturing the man. Let me see if I can't do a little better: R E V J

W E R S

Richard Merkin. one-third of those Three Amigos of Bespoke (the other two being Torn We/ft and lawyer Eddie Whaddaya, Whaddaya' Haye.r) has jilci One outrageous opinion after another. He thinkr Meryl Streep is over-

rated and that the New York Post is

on-

iernptib/e." He is quite comfortable hobnobbing with classy. rich aristocrats.

Or this:

Richard Merkin is a right-wing Anglophiliac old fart, but young people respect him because he has the guts to tell it like it is. ?Jรกfl (Show me a guy who refers to women as 'ladies' or to his companion as 'my lady, and Ill shou' you a macho chauvinist, whether he be in gold chains or striped braces").

Or maybe this: Richard Merkin is a master ofibe nieniora6/e phrase. as in his description of eccentrics: 'Likepandas, they are proofofthe Lord's sense ofhunor, and, like pandas, they preftr not to copulate upon request."

Richard Merkin is a sort of GQ-ish Oscar Wilde, in other words. Eccentrics and

coast .

(Merkin on eccentrics).

Merkin also makes misuse of a phrase

from Shakespeare. Hamlet at one point describes a certain play as having been caviare to the general, meaning that it was too fine ro be appreciatc(l by ts vulgar audience, the general populace. Merkin habitually Zarhl(s the phrase and gives tr exactly the posite meaning. When he says that three songs sung by Bobby Short would be caviar for the general, he means

1-j

that they are so wonderful that they are fit for a commanding ofhcer. He commits the

say what they think the advertisers want them to say. Its nothing about nothing,

same error in another column, a journey

season after season: 1t has everything to do

back w his adolescence: These apocalyptic visions bring to mind a flashback to those cheery halcyon days when shopping was a glorious activity, and New York a Casbah of che serendipitous for a young man seeking, and often finding, the caviar reserved

with attitude. Toward quality. Toward

for the general. This last sentence also provides a taste of

Merki&s usual prose style: the deflating, superfluous checrj the awkwardness of a flashback being brought to mind (and by

style. Toward detail' (Esquire on the New York Look). 'At every moment, a consistency in attitude . . . and in the way a look comes together - with striking accessories and with the kind of unexcessive makeup and hair that maintain the 'purity (Vogue

on fall fashions and,

guess, the new

unexcessiveness). 1t is a season for filling

viiions?); the whiff of the thesaurus. Like Esquire Cthat compromised

in gaps in a wardrobe and replacing old favorites. Now is the time to buy a black swearer, a couple of good pairs of pants, skirts in several lengths and styles, a new

mummy R. Merkin), GQ vaguely imi-

jacket, and even a dress or two' (New

tates the Esquire of the (lays when Esquire meant something. Both magazines reek of perfume. Fashion spreads in both are out of the Vogue mold: scowling. low-IQ types in striped pants, checked shirts, plaid jack-

York's Michael Gross on fall fashions and the new understaredness). Designers have

yourself, Mr. Greenberg

From there to

the end of the story it's very easy sailing for Rothstein: he merely strings together footage from his tape recorder.

I wish someone would explain to me why the Times employs most of its music reviewers. The lamest recent offering (in a very crowded field) is Jon Pareles's Sunday think piece, 'Art and Rock: An 80's Love Affair.' Pareles's contention is that art and rock are inextricably linked in some brandnew way.

Music and art have never been strangers,' Pareles concedes. Musicologists study

illuminated manuscripts to determine the shape of a lute; the Cubists wore out their charcoal sketching cafe guitarists. But over the last decade rock has replaced classical music as the primary musical inspiration

gone mad for plaid this season. But then, plaid has never really been out of fashion (Neu' )rk'5 Wendy Goodman on, uh, the

for art to the point where the two may

ets and polka-dot tics, and, often, a woman with her hoobs hanging out.

new plaidness).

think of a third example of the historical link between art and music. Didn't Mi-

(What better accessory for a well-dressed guy than a half-dressed gaP) The trouble with fashion reviewing in

orally by several of its editors as us, as in

any magazine is that so much of ir is so

rising. At the end of a lame essay on the importance of after-shave, Allen Frame

nakedly calculated to suck up co advercisers. Of course, magazines themselves are nakedly calculated to suck up to advertisers. But the fashion writers really burrow down there and slurp. Off. and on over the last decade, Esquire has run winter features on the tuxedo. The only theme connecting these pieces is an eagerness to please those who pay the bills. One year dinner jackets with shawl lapels are dismissed as a staple of bandleaders

and headwaiters [that) rarely looks anything hut dated and lackluswr ( I 980); the very next year the same jacket is hailed by the same reviewer as a subdued, timehonored choice. In I 987 Esquire counseled no loopy prints or noisy colors for evening wear; in 1988 the lead phow-

graph in the ux spread featured a loopy print in a noisy colora swirling printed velvet ves( in gold and, in an ad for Lord West four pages later, a vest and tie in an

even loopier print and decidedly noisier colors. In GQs tuxedo feature that same month, the scowling, low-IQ type modeling the dinner jacket was accompanied by three naked women lolling around in puddies of blue paint. For the grumpy magazine reader, there's a certain amount of fun in watching clothes reviewers jump through hoops in order to

7 Days (a magazine eerily referred to

seem inseparable.

Fm only sorry that Pareles couldn't chelangelo whistle while be worked?

Have you seen us?) recently made a he-

Runner-up in the competition for the

roic efFort to scare up a little cologne adver-

Laziest Reviewer of 1988 Award is Brock Yates, The Washington Post Magazine's automotive reviewer. Yates devoted an entire

suddenly breaks out of Earth orbit:

would like ro imagine a cologne for myself. There would be fresh top noces of a sunny

southern childhood, lemon and orange, with a body of herbaceous rural isolation (and floral notes of magnolia and honeysuckle) blending unexpectedly with a spicy urban frenzy, drying down to a base note of amber woody retreat.' Yuck!

In closing, a few odds and ends concerning the nation's two greatest newspapers:

column to a 'long drive' he said he had taken 'last night. Nothing happened during this drive. The brand of automobile was not specified. Yates's column was filled

with the sort of facts that don't have to be looked up: meandering deer cause 'countless' collisions; alcohol probably leads to 'an inordinate number' of late-night acci-

dents; nighttime travel is preferred by many' people; on journeys after dark, drowsiness can impede progress.'

stein, the Times theater reporter with a flair

The Laziest Reviewer of 1988 Award goes to the Times's chief film critic, Vincent Canby. who seems to find even the

for arresting first sentences (see January/ February Review of Reviewers). has out-

undemanding task of rewatching old movies too demanding. Reviewing Dirty Rot-

done himself recently. Here's how he began

a piece about Richard Greenberg, the

len Scoundrels, the remake of Bedtime Story, he writes: 'Except for its title, the

rubby author of Eastern Standard, a play

earlier film has receded from memory, but

abou some young people who take a

Mervyn

Once Upon a Time' Roth-

bag lady to their house in the Hamptons: 'U.K. , Richard Greenberg, let's get to the point right away.' Take a closer look at that lead. Seemingly without effort, Rothstein has grabbed the reader's attention and fixed it on the message, or point, of his story. He continues, 'You. a self-acknowledged yuppie,

have been termed a defender of your breed. So what do you have to say for

canOt imagine that it could have been anywhere near as entertaining as (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels). A week later the industrious Mr. Canby was in the rigorous throes of critiquing Dangerous Liaisons. Though I have fond, fuzzy memories of[a 1959 Roger Vadim version of the story),'

he writes, "I can't imagine that it could come anywhere near the [current) version in terms of witty, entertaining, if occasionally overripe decadence. ) MARCH 1989 SPY los

F I1%I

ment. Pollack was replaced by Steven Spielberg (an Ovitz nonclient!), who also

(luit the proju. Enter Barry Levinson. a director with the proper credentials for a Mike Ovitz package: ( i ) he has had a string of welt-regarded hits Diner, The Natural, Tin Men, Good Morning, Vietnam:

(2) he is a client of Ovins; (3) he is one of Ovitz's closest friends; and (4) he has developed a reputation for solving difiktilt script problems and working congenially with big-name actors.

KIDS

a street

According to people who worked on

which ¡s

rn i s t a k a b Iv

u n

Rain Man, Hoffman's greatest concern was that after the enormous failure of lihtar he

¡1oI/yz ood's liti/est sIarr

might have lost his audience. The prime

New York and biggest egos

moviegoing audience ( i 8-to-24-year-olds) turns over every few years. And since actors

in their middle ages

like Hoffman and Warren Beatty only

is a bistro which is unmistakably B Y

C L L

B R A D Y

Paris.

A short story: This

ÖUATÖRZ

is a short column about a short subject with a short temper and a big cgo. Yes, I know e:'eyHollywood fits this 1T1[11 general description. But to ,!TIW-1 IP4OUSTY

he more specific, let's choose just one person. Let's choose . . . oh .

about Dustin Hotfman' He's certainly

NewYork City

short (five foot six). And he is certainly known for his incendiary (offscrecn) performances with producers. writers and directors. And he has a hit movie out now, Rain Man, costarring Tom Cruise. Hoffman was apparently so upset by the

failure of his Elaine MayWarren Beatty desert epic, ¡chiar, that his agent, Creative

Artists Agency's Mike the Manipulator Ovitz, told him to stop fretting and make some movies - most notably Rain Man, which had been in development for years. (Virtually all of Hoffman's pictures have long. tortured development histories as movies that rise high above the pedestrian often do. Director Robert Benton and pro-

Accepting only OflC

card.

ducer Stanley Jaffe anguished for years trying to ge Kra,,ier vs. Kranier made. Toolsie

3112 C

Membership Has Its Privileges AmCtk

Epft, Tr,c) Rth,ed Scn

IO6SPYMARCH 198.9

ompirn. In

of $5 million per picture plummets to a fifth of that, and people are no longer willIng to submit to your tantrums on che set.

¡'('fr'

e-lI Disney, Spark;'

Katzenberg 's eleal-niaking

(and -breaking) is

uzargiiah/y up Io snuff

(For a more complete demonstration of ca-

reer ascension, see Burt Reynolds on the hoary Burr Reynoldsproduced TV game show Win, Lose or Draw.) In an especiatly shrewd instance of ca-

originally going to direct; hut following the

usual creative differences, Hoffman

wanted Cruise's audiencethe Top Gan

brought in Pollack, who did his own treat-

kids who sort-of-bu (-not-quite remember

came aboardonly to endure continuous

us$1

you're no longer a star, your previous price

reer salvation, Hoflman's solution to the problem of declining bankability was ro overrule the director, studio heads and casting people and insist that the role of the younger brother in Rain Mana part originally conceived as a 38-year-old - be written for a 26-year-old. A 26-year-old named Tom Cruise. In short, Hoffman

went through no fewer than eight writers and two directors before Sydney Pollack

Á:;4

are or what you've made, the cold, hard bottom line remains: If you can't draw them in, you're no longer a star. And if

how

240 West 14th Street

Tel 206-7006

rarely actually make films, they may still be stars but only to people who don't go co movies anymore. And no marrer who you

suabbling with Hoffman.) On Rain Man, director Martin (Ber'erly Hills Cop, Midnight Rim) Brest, another Ovita client, was

Hoffman as "the guy who dressed up in women's clothing in Toouie. Hoffman took out similar audience insurance on Sidney Lumet's Family Bujiness:

he signed only when he was certain that Matthew Broderick and Sean Connery were on board. The thinking here was, evidently. Why

?WI

cover all the deniographĂš-

bases?

(Note: in an eerily parallel moVe, the other perpetrator of Ishtar, Warren Beatty, has also recently taken OUt a would-be career insurance policy by casting Madonna as his love interest in Dick Tra'y. Beacty obviously felt he needed to be reintroduced

''W4&O*O I 'S% &-,%'1*O VdIIO7 I L s. 's. I I

VOI I

to the underage lace glovesandbus:ier set. Do I see a trend here?) All of which brings us ro Disney chairman Jeffrey Sparky Katzenberg, who has been credited with reviving the careers of a screening-roomful of worthy but neverthe-

less fading starsBete Midler, Richard

b'&

iaA d

Dreyfuss, Lily Tomlin, Nick Nolte. Holly-

wood being Hollywood, though, Katzenberg did not perform this sort of name-above-the-title resuscitation entirely

as a product of from-the-heart altruism. Disney has a reputation as the financially tightest studio; no matter what you were paid on your last film. Disney will try to pay you less. (More often than not this is as beneficial to the career-in-decline acwrs as it is to the studio itself.)

Katzenbcrg's deal-making (and -breaking) is unarguably up to snuff. Last year Disney was scheduled to begin production of The Dead Poets Society. The film was to be made by Jeff Kanew. When the picture

was scheduled to begin shootingwith hundreds of thousands of dollars already spent in preproduction costs - Kanew received an urgent call from Sparky telling him to stop. J eff Kanew had been fired. New writers had been hired.

In what some read as a career panic, Dustin Hoffman had suddenly expressed

interest in directing and starring in the picture.

There's a postscript. Reverting to his old ways (after being reasonably assured that Rain tt4an would

be a hir). Hoffman

backed out of The Dead Poe/s Society. And

then, stuck without a (hector or a star, Disney hired Peter Weir and Robin Wilhamsas it happens. a IflOfC promisingsounding package by far. Grca tu have seen you

at Don and

Jerry's in Aspen.) MARCH 19$9SPY

LJ 'V

TIlE \X'IUTEI4'S

the last recession year on record, 3 1 5,000

wLI-I

up from

bankruptcy cases were filed

200,000 just three years earlier. Filings dcdined 1983 and 1984, as is customary

Voict:

ifl

in prosperous years. Custom thereupon oft1u

ceased ro apply, as the FedraI Reserve

I3(st .Sid. ) Cnfrrfor Ilu' I ¡t

Bui-

kim, an esteemed hut unread journal of

¡rse,i Is

the Federal Reserve Board, recently noted:

Historical patterns went awry in 1985 and I 986 when bankrupcies shot up more

THE END OF

than 20 percent in each year despite the

strength of the economy.

THE CENTURY

is a puzzling development. . Chapter One: Spend. spend, spend. Chapter Five: Bilis, bills, bills.

Chapter EIez'en: Chapter 1 i

by SPY li titei f ('(1 t 11 1lt4

THE

t: ST*ILT -.

there is a wholesome expianation for this paradox, but

all of 1946 fewer than

a frankly worrisome note, however. chose six months of i 988 were an ideal time not to go 1)roke - nobody had any excuse to run out of money. The economy was grow-

ing and employment was rising, and the stock market crash was receding from memory. lt is unnerving co realize that those were the good old days.

9,000 Americans declared

Tilden could not have imagined the

. \Iarch I ô at 8 p. ni. I

I I Ill

2 West 64th Street . .4 rPceJ)tion I,osu'dby.4rnar,qio di Suroisnu tEiIIfOIIOlV tilE' rvitdh,gs.

. 7îckeis $7 vii the door or in ada'a:aet' u,

Ce,uf'rfor the .4rs ofjicv.. SPC(Ifl(ifloor. j(k )M(:1. ; u, o:r(Is,rer:

Iond,yto 1/rubsy. ¡2ii.,it. to 7p.m.

108$PYMAI(CH 1989

On a faintly hopeful note, bankruptcy filings through the first half of last year were up by a mere i 2.8 percent, less than the galloping rates in 1985 and 1986. On

philosopher of debt. Freeman Tilden, pronounced in the 1930s, rhc more failures there will naturally be.

& Ei4tis WE1NEI

(2121 787-6357111(H)

R A N

pression was baffling.

the possibility of debt, rht preemincnt

PAUL RuDNIcK

Ire,,

Sort of like

the rate of about 9,00() a u'eek. It is easier to borrow money today than it was in 1946. and it is casier to shuck off OfleS debts today too. The easier we make

JOHN LEO

Ilu?

. .

the arrival of the Goths in Rome was a puzzling development and the Great De-

1987 bankruptcy petitions were filed at

ANN HODGMAN

Ethial (tiluire At1(IitOri

. On the

bankruptcy. whereas in

BRUCE F1ADY

A M L

As winrcr turns to spring America ¡s cvidently richer than ever. yet Americans in record numbers are going broke. Perhaps

An Evening of R'zdiugs

'I'I)tl

. .

whole, the 1985-87 surge in bankrupr les

mass mailing of credit cards, the magnum leveraged huyout or the eve-year loan Ofl che $29.95 Yugo (or, for that matter. the $650 million fines paid by insatiable unkbond-peddling brokerage houses). Never-

rhcless, he put his finger on something when he recast the fable of the grasshopper and the ant in modern terms: Behind all the complexities of modern political economy lies the simple fact that human beings are, speaking generally, of two persuasions: the first would spend tomorrow what they earn today; the second would spend today what they hope to earn tomorrow'

The l980s have been the grasshopper decade. Interestingly, persnal-l)ankru tcy statistics took a turn for the worse in che very shank of the Reagan boom. In i 982.

A truism of bankruptcy is that the debtor has too many debts, but the recent startling rise in credit card, charge account and automobile loan debt (UI) tO 19 cents per dollar of disposable income from 14 cents in 1984) is singled out by the iderai

as the root cause of the trouble. 'A lessening of the stigma of bankruptcy' was given as a subsidiary Reserve Bulietin

cause, but I wonder if the Federal Reserve authors didnt underestimate the change in

social attitudes. No longer at all embarrassed ro borrow, people are no longer afraid to welsh. The fraud that is pracused under cover of insolvency. ¡s doubtless che most extensive of all species of private

said an official document of the Society of Friends in the early nineteenth century. That was before S I 0,000 credi, lines and Optima cards and powerboats robbery,

purchased for no money down. A recent Times story told of a New York salesman who was swamped by credit card applications after he finished paying off a car loan. Soon he had seven credit cards

from five different banks, plus two credit even though his annual income was only about $24,000 and came solely from commissions. When business slowed he began using the credit cards for living expenses. Several banks responded to his increased use of their cards by raising his credit limit. . . Even after [he received] two dunning Ieters from a bank, a differlines1

¡LA

/ ACADILLACk

cot group in the bank sent him a letter

BAR

(

offering to raise his credit line by an addidonai S 1,000.

&lI&14RI ,

pE!II1L

Note how the trouble started: the socalled victim gratuitously repaid his car loan, thereby inciting virtually entrap-

pingthe banks. If similarly tempted, a debtor should consult one of the recognized debt-counseling services, if he can get in the door. The National Foundation for Consumer Credit has some 400 of-

%?a4e

fices-twice as many as in 1986yet it

THES

s END

T-SHIRT.

still cannot accommodate the overflow of borrowers in search of help. Banks are flOt being diligent in invesdgating debt levels," says David Caplovitz, a New York bankruptcy lawyer. One division of the bank

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There is a moral side to bankruptcy that sophisticated financial people are inclined to dismiss as corny or irrelevant. Now that America is a debtor nation, however, the personal honor of the average americano must begin co inform the national finances.

The story of the surge in personal bankruptcies among individual Americans, I should think, will play badly among the foreign holders of United States government debt. 1f Americans, in growing numbers, are not paying their credit card debts, will these same Americans scruple to honor

their governments national debts I think I have the answer: yes, they will pay, and in good money too, if that is convenient. D

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graduates are getting the same high-paying jobs as other M.B.A. s. Among SOM faculty and administrators there have been

l%I

fairly continual disputes over what the sclmol was or wasn't and whom it should or shi>ultlnt be training. When the last dean resigned more than a year ago, Yale lormed a committee to search for someone who might resolve the sijuabbling over SOMs mission - but before the committee could finish its work, Schmidt conducted his own search (Mike? Why are they u'recking the

Hi. iii Benno .

. ),

resulting in the selec-

tion of Lvinc. who had been, oincidcn-

tally. one of his best pals at Yak Law

Yale hu.rineis school? And bote

will it look on mj CV'

SLOBOOKIN

Up in New Haven. former TV host and current Yak president Benno Schmidt got a jump on rhc oncL-tradirional spring riots b appointing Michad Levine to he the new dean ThL ----I;_

of Yale s onceidealisttc School of Organization .

School in the precountercultural 1960s. SOI.Fs advisory hoard which includes Cooper Union president John Jay Iselin, Alice Riviin of the Brookings Institution and 1)ollar BilI Donaldson, a founder of both SOM and the investment bank Donaldson, Lufkin & Jenretcereceived othdal word of Sclunidts new appointment oiilv when it convened at the school for its rtiziilar meeting the same day the appointIfleill

was made public. Iven though

Schmidt didn't seek the advice of the advi-

.and Management. thereby granting Levine a mandate ti) preside over the gutting of the graduate schools curriculum and OStCOSiL)Ie raison d'&re. Levine,

a former professor at the school. is surely the right man for the ¡ob. having gained the requisite experience by leginniig the dismantling of the Civil Aeronautics Board

during the 1970s and presiding over un ion-huster Frati k Lorenzos nonunn)n

e U'((S inJ/ìiencec/ "f;(j,,/

many. ìiany SOliPCéJ,

¡m/iu/in,

u ice, .ceuiolar/y Jrmer aii,we

New York Air during the I9HOs.

Ut.

'I1

III

The school. known as S()M, was lounded in

I 97 3

altiinni donations of Yale College gradoates 'ho too frequently went on to business school at Harvard or Stanford. and also to train the public-sector executives of corni>rri )W. YaIes then Presi(Ienc , Kingman Brewster, eased the school on campus by dressing LIj) the capitalist Molí in woolly liberal clothing. But SOM was more successful in its high-minded endeavors than fliOSt expected, and graduates now help run such institutions as the Guggenheim Museum and the Metropolitan Museum of Arr. This being the 1980s. however, much tt(eUti()fl has

OflC

tO gradLiates who went

on ti) investment banks. SOM people alternately complain that sci many of their graduates have gone on to high-paying JObS

I1O$PYMARCH 1989

general Edwin ,%1 cese

to eøiiipete for he

Street and brag that their

sorv hoard. he did let the members know throui.h The Neu' York Times that he was influenced lrom many, many sources, in-

eluding. as it happened, wise. scholarly former attorney general Edwin Meese.

Not long after, Dean I.evine began to enrage students and alumni. The union pariah turned management sage explained that he wanted to transfrrn the professional school into a scholarly iflStitUtiOfl compara-

hIe to \'ale Law School an analogy that especially intrigues those colleagues who know a1out Levine's own problems winfling tenure at SOM (he barely got it) and a professorial apoifltfl1ef1t at the law school (according to a former law school colleague, he was judged LIfllUalified).

Levine has SO lar Shown a ñncly honed managcrs ability o rnal.w tough choices.

hosvever. ¡tn(I never more so than when he announced he 'Would JU1(. a/I nont.nured

(acuity Íroni the organizational bthavior JepdrtIneI,r because it was just to darn hard co deCick whom to keep. Then. Show-.

¡ng where he oines out in thc debate over whv(Ikr A,ncrica ought to tucus its energics on actually making things rather than

jVíSt

u/x'

perpetuating the cirrint round of paperpushing bust-ups and rtstructurings. zhe new dcan announced that the operations

. _ 1mg

i; I,J

research faculty the professors who teach the unglamorous particulars of production and quality control - woUld he moved (PUC

ut the school ro the íacu1t of arts and sciences. i1e finance kpartrnent. :neanwhile. Which teaches the partku1ari of bust-

ups and resrructurins, will almost surely have its standingand budget enhanced.

levines various chates (lic dedared that students !.°OUId lose all real function on the SOM admissions coinmitlee. where the have served since l977) and his highhanded announcement ot them have anereJ alumni, wl)() spent their two years at SOM being (Irifled 00 the importance ()t cooperative decision-making to assure th r LVC1)'()fle feels a jart of the process. The 01 a letter-writing campaign to the Yale (:or)ratti(, which rules over the

organizers

niversitv, doubt that meir cuiorts Will dislodkc Levine. But

flOW

he has managed to

whip up their antipathy further by revising

and irnxunding a kter that the SOM Alumni Asso.iauon had written tu all pduaces. on the grounds that implicit (ledaranon of

it was an tinti! he couki

ware

e( bis OWn. sernicoherent letter ou w alumni.

The SOM drama has exacerbated the feeling in New Haven and beyond that the tiresome wunderkind Schmidt. que-asy

only three years into his presidency. was an

iml)erfcct choice for Yak. Schmidt still

Finally Mexican Food That

lives on Eist )5rh Street in New York City, and he has been so invisible around Yale that students have posted WHERE THE HII.L

Satisfies Even

Is BENNO' si1ns 011 caflÌpLIS.

Even iii the

continuity-worsh iping precincts of Sku Il

and Bofles, the crucible that formed George Rush, there .ire whispers that Schmidt may not be long for New Haven. Which mijht suit him fine. it', as reasonabic speculation has it,

TheToughest Food Critics. could lose more than your license br or inferior enchiladas. At Cinco De Mayo weadhere to the saine authentic recipes found in old Mexico. Afterall, our critics wouldn't settle for anything less. Years ago, you

serving tasteless tacos

got his sights se-r

CINCODiMAYO

on appointment by Bush to the Supreme (ourt. And unlike tlose nasty administrative jobs at Yale,

that Svats

(or life. )

Coil 2t

lt 4lt W.i..t RflUldW,l 'r'

;ijI.Ii7(,

i 45 Ttidr

itv t1a:.

MARCh 19$9SPY Ill

LJE U_II

Hampton Beach Club in Hampton Bays. Barb told us 20,000 people were expected, including 2,000 Jewish singles. Blockbuster

was the only book the Hampton Beach Club gift shop was selling, an omen we

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in a hammock between two palm trees. This was the funmeisrer of the Hampton

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Beach Club, Dan the Man. We believe we are the only people ever to be introduced at their reading by Dan the Man.

partner or our book, but

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confused with a compliment. Our confidence in the Hampton Beach Club was shaken when we were carded at the entrance to the parking lot. We believe we arc the only authors ever to be carded at their reading. We met the man who was to introduce us. He was wearing a baseball cap, on the top ofwhich was a plastic woman swinging

The official publication date of our book, Blockbuster (219 pages, Bantam, S7.95), fell at the end of last summer. But by then

PUILISHING H

Websters would not count the Hampton Beach Club as a beach club: it had no tennis courts, no pool, no cabanas, no boys to set up your chairs, no chairs. lt was just a deck overlooking the beach, and a dance floor. We were to read on the dance floor.

Dont worry about the pcople, Dan

the Man said. Ill get them up here.' Over it was already flying off the loudspeaker, he appealed to the crowds bookstore shelves from on the beach. Free hats/or anyone who can Philadelphia, where Benja- guess the TV theme song! Plus two writers min Franklin wrote his cel-

.. :

ebrated autobiography, to Midland, Texas, where little Jessica McClure was trapped in an abandoned well for 58 hours. In Wilmington, Delaware, two visitors recently found Blockbuster in the best-seller section, nor far from Tom

Joining Us Late

Clancy 's Patriot Games.

-.-..--.

-I

For back issues oISPY, write to us at The Puck Building, 295 LafayetteStreet,

Ă&#x2021;-

NewYork,NY. 10012. Enclose $4.o() per copy, please. N.w

Oty

Tossi i.d.,.&

To be truthful, our mothers live in Philadelphia and Midland. They have worked tirelessly to promote the book, putting in long hours with no pay As for Wilmington, Doug's aunt works for a local bookstore. She says she has sold 25 copies of Blockbuster so far and those were a mail order for Mrs. McGrath, who had already bought all the copies in Midland. Apart from these three cities, our hook

came out to whatever is the opposite of great fanfare. Though we demonstrated a degrading willingness to do whatever was necessary to promote the book, Barb Burg, our publicist at Bantam, had planned only one promotional event. But its a really big event, she promised.

The event was a reading, but not the Susan-Sontag-salmon-and-sherry-.upstairsat-Books-&-Co. kind of reading. We were

r-.

z_ who want to read their book.' Everyone came. And no sooner was the final free hat awarded, to a woman who

identified the theme from Hazel in one note, than everyone left. We read to the empty dance floor, like idiots, clinging to the hope that someone was listening. Then, miraculously, we heard a burst of

laughter and applause. We looked up.

to read one Sunday afternoon at the Dan the Man had changed into a hat with 112$PTMARCH 1989

a basketball hoop on k, and someone had just made a baske.

It was dîne to autograph hooks. Of course, no one came near us. Our hearts rose when a woman walked right up to us holding the book. I don't read books, she said, but this does look easy. At the end of the day, we had sold one book, to a boy who sold ice cream on the beach and felt sorry for us. If we do thu for the next million days, we figured , we '/1 have a best-se//er.

Bantam had no other events planned, so we decided to hire our own publicist. We met a scrawny southern man with a mus-

tache like Hitler's. He told us that an appearance on The Donahue Show would sell

50,000 copies of the book, bUt that we couldnt get on The Donahue Show. Not the way you are, he said. You need an angle. Let's ask ourselves: who are Phil's guests,? Teachers who push crack, women

SjF)Ç

:;pd and prepaid. Th pIafl' orden b) phon. ca/I

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PERSONALS: $25 per line; limited abbreviations box number. Mail will accepted. Add S 15 for

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Lany Heitlenian. Ads arc accepted at the ptib/ither'i diíentt,on.

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married to snipers. He looked at us. Do you see what your problem ìs

We had an idea. How about what it's like when a tall author collaborates with a short author?'

No,' the publicist said. Let's think what those shows I told you about have in common. He waited patiently.

We had a brainstorm. What about authors who abuse each other?

He did not think we could get on The Donahue Show.

We decided to shop for another publicist.

One publicist told us that our hook could become known only if we became known. This publicist :old us the story of Aeschylus, who was killed by a tortoise dropped by an eagle flying overhead that mistook Aesehyluss bald head for a rock. Just one day after Aeschylus died, the pubIkist said, his play The Suppliant Women,

which had been sparsely attended and about to close, was sold out. That could happen to you,' the publicist said. The last publicist we questioned was a depressed young woman who insisted we meet at her apartment because Sasha, her parakeet, couldn't be left alone. Sasha was in precarious health. The publicist held the

l)ird in her lap and brushed her with a toothbrush as we talked. Even if I could get you PublicitY for the book,' she said, which is highly, highly doubtful, what's the difference? Fifty years from now, two weeks, you wont be here, I won't be here, your hook won't he here. Nothing lasts.' We gave up looking for a publicist.

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MR. PERELMAN BUILDS HIS DREAM HOUSE ALSO

How to handle an Usi; Joseph Heller's long-lost sitcom oeuvre; and o chat with some advance men for Jesus

MARCH 1989 SPY I

I S

1_I ri -

i -I- U

I-1

doubt, but by that :'eoy token it is not clear to me. Of

coarse, as Dan Quayle would put it, my type of

spent it. Then I start worrying about what I am going to spend on whatever it is I am

thinking is out oftouch and out oforder.

meant ro spend the expense-account

R. B.

ACROSS 1. Lapdog ¡s a term George Will used for

George Bush in a column, back before Bush became a pit bull. Will has also exGeorge ßtith is now president of the United Stales; I did not prevent it. At the end of the campaign i did submit a partisan statement to the Times Op-Ed page, bui they rejected it. Here it is, many days late and dollars short (which could be the story o/the Bush era): Could I make a quaint. belated. entirely atoo!

statement about the 1988 presidential (ha!) campaign? i voted/or t/)e liberal Democrat because lin one. AIo becau.re I dread getting stuck in a cab with someone u'ho argues like George Bush. Why would I want him to represent me?

You don t bave io tell me liberal Democrati do

embarraising things. Criticize Ameria, pander shameIei/y to the dispossessed and ro on. But I try to

:nake sense of politici in ternit of words. And l've never heard a liberal Democrat cubveri the language by (for example) (ailing his opponent as Bush has

called Dukakis tite jo-railed Stealth candidate. Dukakis. though he rook a higher road than Bush, i shorter and darker. He has heavier eye6rou's. To attach the word stcalth ¡o him was to stir cubrational perepiions of shiftiness. That was one justification for referring to him as the Stealth candidate. A trashy just:/i cation. Another justification would be that Dukaku fa-

tored development of the Stealth bomber. As. I gather. he does. But so does Bush and Bush acused Dukakis ofopposing the Stealth technologies. To call Dukakis the Stealth candidate, then, n'as a way ofreinforcing aJilse accusation while imputing lo Dukakis the pejorative connotations of the name of a weapons system Bath also favors. Tras/ii-

pressed disdain for Dan Quaylc, prediccing

that Quayle will flOt be trusted to handle even the more serious foreign funerals. Will has also come out in favor of higher taxes. Will Will, who used to lunch with Nancy, be lunching with Barbara, or even Marilyn? Will Will be dismissed as a liberal? \X'ell, wc'll see. (To follow closely is to dog; a lap is a runaround.) 9. Yale gush'll rearranged (in a way). 11. 1 tifa r.g. backward, 18. To "ankle in a huff is one meaning of stamp etti, to dcscroy is another. 21. P.e. breaking into beer. 23. Charges and S. A new term for creditcard prosperiry, or what Lloyd Bentsen, in his debate wich Dan Quayle, referred to as hot checks. There's a great old gospel song called Jesus Dropped the Charges." Perhaps all Americans, of whatever faith, had beter start singing that song. Or perhaps Reaganes.jue luck will prevail in the Bush administration and the economy will still be able to flout the bottom line. An indication that economy-linked fortune might shine upon Bush came during the campaign when rumors arose that The Washlag/on Post was about to publish a story confirming rumors that Bush had committed adultery, which stirred urgent selling that caused the stock market to plunge. The Post denied that it had such a story, and stock prices recovered. Talk about safe

money on. What the eighties keeps doing is drawing another advance. I blame it on the Japanese - when they introduced sushi over here and Americans developed a taste for those little raw dabs of marine life, it broke down the age-old taboo against eating your bait. After a while, what have you got left to fish with?

26. Hit at crime rearranged Cgoofily). lt worked for the Bush campaign. Incidentally, have you noticed that critics often apply the adjective goofy to Bush? Another

break for Bush Americans like Disney characters.

28. The heads' of teeny, tiny and elephant are t, i and e. Inside

Ron.

DOWN 2. L)onald Regan rearranged.

3. D.A., yo andf(the musical symbol for loud") plus mood backward. 8. Jim Harrison, the Michigan poet-novelist whose mustache has often been likened to Pancho Villa's, reveals in The Paris Revieu', .1 usually dance a half-hour a day to Mexican reggae music with fifteen-pound dumbbells. I guess it's aerobic, and the

weights keep your chest and arms in shape. I can't tell you how envious I am of this exercise. I know Harrison, and although I don't recall any such behavior on his part in those places (barrooms) where I

sex! Many spouses, if they felt no one could

have run ¡rito him, L do not doubt that he would do improvised Latin dances while pumping, or waving, iron at home. And it suits his work. lt doesn't suit mine. But what workout would? The last aerobic exercise I can remember that came from my heart was running up and down flights of

uho called Dukakis that u.as Bush. With great restrain! I would liken this ploy to blowing your

reveal that they were running around ex-

Brooklyn brownstone stairs with two chil-

cept at the risk of setting off a market

nose. showily. yet stealthily, on someone else 's sleeve.

crash, would feel golden. That's probably why I am not at home in the I 980s: I have

dren in my arms, and that was years ago. (My son can now dunk.) No wonder The Paris Review has never interviewed me. When we got into the arca of exercise, I would have to mumble, Oh . . . stationary bicycle . . tennis . . . The Paris Review doesn't want o embarrass me. So. Several large dogs to toss into the air? Hogsheads to bang together? Buckets of sand to drive my typing fingers into? But it's not just elements of heft and grit we're after here, but also of eurythmy. Backflips to whale

nest compounded.

But Bus/i went further. He called Dukakis the so-caUcd Stealth candidate u/len the only person

You can say to mc that Russians would rather deal with a conservative Republican . If this is so, il is because Russians do Plot have a high enough opiel-

ion of the American character. Also because conservative Republicans make it easierfor Gorbachev

trouble feeling golden. If I've got, say, $500 of expense-account money in my Pocket, I fecI gilded, but only until l've

to look like a liberal Democrat.

I grew up in the Sooth in the 1950s and '60s. and therefore you may say that i have a peculiar bias against conservatic'es (Lester Maddox) and es-

penally against conservative Repu/ilkans (Strom Thurmond. i.e. , Lester Maddox for the n'e/I of). So sue me. When I was grou'ing up, liberal Demo-

song? Synchronized swimming to gutbucket blues? Something. Liberals have

(rats were people of spiri!, and ¡o are they now. sometimes. Ai the height of011iemania my Washing-

got to get z.'igorousagain. I'll tell you this: I voted for Dukakis, but I'm not going to go

ton lawyerfriend RufFant happened ¡o drive past a federal building as Oliver North emerged from it to the sound of spontaneous street-4rouid buzzabs. Ruf did what anyone with pride in America should have

out walking with Heavy i-lands. A heavy heart, yes.

24. P in site. We are talking healthy,

done: stuck his head out of his car window and hollered, 'Sbame! Shame! How in the world did liberal Democrats get to be so out offasbion? The answer is obvious io Bush, no 1L4SPTMARCH 1989

wholesome malice here, a kinder and genT ['A

sis HIO'LES

tler malice, a malice of compassion and

hope.)

Make enraged phone call. Eddie, the mechanic, says car not road-rested at high speeds. Take it to nearby trans shop CShop

B), agree on phone with Sam, boss at Shop A, to have X done, for which self will pay, to be reimbursed by A. Begin renting

TROUBLE

car for pers. use. Days later, pick up real car, drive 100 feet, hang. zoom. whole thing caves in, comes ro dead halt. Have towed back to B. On phone with A. agree to have trans taken clown (low three figs.) but have work done. Done. Problem with rear. Shop A: We'll tow it back here and fix it. Tell them to put the transfl()

How does a car uork?

mission in a

Why does it break/

it 'J

ELLIS

(Self. to self: 'I'/'ii is what

WIUNFI

itself in grave peril? Hoist car, load box,

Previously in How to Be a Grown-up:

.1 have recently descended into the hell of major car repairs (che trans broke. was fixed, and broke again. taking other viral car organs with it). . in the o Naturally I .

watch truck tow car away. Like seeing rdarive being carted off to prison, sort of. Sclfand wife N.Y. for two-day childfree holiday. Call Shop A. Need new rear unit, &t cost approaching four figures. In cash. Betre work commences. Tomorrow. Silk: Less what I paid Shop B, right? As if)

expect1

end, to obtain complete P

satisfaction, as regards both

Courageous. if stupid, words. I think I knew even then that my quest would be in vain. And yet I learned something from this experience, something that has made me a better man, a better human being, a better grown-up. I learned about life. I learned about human fallibility. I learned

he groti '?i-iip thinks,

it's possible to

(IiSl)UtCS vithout

resolve

hiring either

lawyers or Luca Brasil per agreement with Sam the Boss' MAN AT SHOP A: No. Sam on vacation.

comes to dead halt. Have it towed co nearby, open-all-the-time garage ( Shop

Q uaylc that means one thing: phone

A). Israelis. Big color photo of Lubavitcher rebbe on wall of cramixd office, like wife's

Mother and Father. But the plain fact is, most of us don't know the Quayles home

grandmothers framed Sun.-supplement

number. So I call the Department of Motor

pix of JFK and pope. Yikes, Jewish

Vehicles and am given a number for the

mechanics, contr. in terms? Or whew, car off street, in hands ofpious men of G-d'

tar)', They should be able to affiliate you

Return two days later, hand over cashÂĄers check for low four Ăągures, drive off. Downshift feels like coronary arrest, makes grinding noise. Ninety mnutes lacer. trans caves

in. Hobble home in second gear.

generals man says while Sams wife, at Shop A, summons Eddie the Mechanic.

Now yourc on the other side of the l love this job. I would do this for free. Mole touching than this, in the realm of civil service, it doesn't get. The grown-up, determined not to l)C pushed around and

made a sap of while he is being pushed around and made a sap of, thinks. Gee. You ineaz it 5 poisibl. i?! New York, io redoIve disputes uithoui hiring either lawyers or Luca

Brasi? lt's enough to make one think aboii r rexon ing one s cynicism.

Not that ones cynicism should be gerrymandered out ofexisrcnce entirely. No, not when there is this Amusing Development: car are missing. Low three figures. (Mislaid by Shop A' By Shop B? Bounced off truck,

unseen by sleep-deprived row-trucker? sponsibility. )

No. one's native paranoia

about car repairs remains, not only Lindiminished but somehow enhanced. But to meet one perfectly reasonable, intelligent person, working for the state of New York, who will hclp solve this sort of

Problem without seeking money either

Sitting on the edge of the hotel bed in my underwear. freezing, I do what just about anyone would do. Granted, to Dan

and roars its way through Holland Tunnel,

Sam, mediates in conference call between Sam and self, brings disputing parties together in mutually acceptable compromise. -I used to be a saksman. the attorney

Speculation rife as 1)0th sides disclaim re-

You mean

about automatic transmissions.

Rather than bore you with the details, let me bore you with the general pl()t: Drive iflto Manhattan one Sun. a.rn. Car hemorrhages transmission fluid, smokes

them and self, hunts down vacationing

tWo brackets that mount the crans to the

the ruadworthiness of the vehicle and the disbursements I have bcn obliged to outlay for rental cars, etc. .

Incredibly, a gentleman answers the phone, listens patiently to my story, asks pertinent juestions, expresses credible sympathy and, over the course of th next fi'e hours, does the following: calls Shop A, mediates in a conference call between

fence, I say. How do you like this job?

ome to? A box?)

Days pass, tow truck arrives, driver tells me he hasn't slept in 36 hours. Ha ha, next chapter in comedy Or yikes, not funn) car

How can youJix it? Why me?

l)OX.

knucklehead

Lemon Law ofiice. According to a secre-

over the counter or under the tal)le, without exercising influence for a future quid }ro juo, without even asking you to prove your bona fides - this, if not actually inspiring, is at least very nice. And let not the grown-up sneer at nice. Nicene.rs counts. In a city in which the difference between cyniCiSfl) and realism is increasingly academic, one OUOCC of niceness from an interaction with actual people can neutralize this much excess theoretical l)ile about he world. What does it all mean? It means that for

with someone who can help you. lt turns OUt tO b the Atwrney General's Oflice. Wow, now to flex some consumer

every two had garages there is one good civil servant. Of) a deeper level, it means don't have a car. It means if you do have a car, don't drive it. And finally, it means if

muscle? Or uh-oh, pip-squeak car corn-

you do have a car and you do drive ir,

plaint too puny, get outra here you

don't use the transmission. MARCH 19895PY 115

-I-I-I

tjri-i-v--i

Crosswo rd Puzzle DOWN

ACROSS 1. Will

2. Former White House

term lot Bush

follow closely after

chief of scaffdisrortcd by

runaround? (6)

rage. (5)

5. Put Ed through the mill. 3. Prosecutor. yo! Loud

nor up in thc air. (8) 9. In a way, Yale gush'll be infernally ill-lavored. (4.2.4) lo.

mood coming up for the

Last Roundup. (3.2.4) 4. Go pisa up a column. (6)

Sharp wail. (4)

1 1. Handwriting on wall:

What we whipped the

1 fight a right guard

British with -chest-

back. (8)

pounding and roaring. we

12. Negative bones deal is ofr.

hear. (8.7)

(2.4)

13. Parry. party for dead

(Alternate spelling.)

bird. (4)

6. Line is so muddled by

15. Stags lap collapses.

Bush Era Speia/

and the rest

slippery quality. (8)

silence. (4.4)

7. Knead distraughdy,

18. Destroy ankle in a

nude. (5)

hLt. (5.3)

8. Worked our in high

19. Open ruin. (4)

21. Interruption oĂdrink

dudgeon. (9)

by gym class alerts doctor

14. Oh, nuts, toe broken:

or drug dealer. (6)

not getting along. (2,3,4)

23.

Accusations satisfactory

16. Least sanitary can make

as Reaganomic bounty.

guest grin. (9)

(8) (Newly coined word.) 2.5.

Trash headless bear. (4)

26. Hit at crime gooMy Ldds up. (10)

27. Nothing in drunken

17. A drOOlin' weird dead

thing. (8) 20. Big nerworker? Somewhat! (6)

hassles with jerks. (8) 28.

Decayed teeny tiny

22.

Strike Timej head. (5)

elephant heads inside the

24. Malice of sPY's heart in

Gipper. (6)

place. (5)

Th anjwers to ÂĄhe Un-Briiii/, Crossword appear on page 1 14.

1I6SPYMARCH 1989

LOO -SK.fl.

4 il..

C...dly L....?

S! D.- Dtt,i.

Ti D AT

BIRTH?

...d ,h.t Pr.,dh,..'-.

nr' .,,,dIk. k,6,.

t,I

'.3 0

Includes:

Over 450 different faces-300 never-before published! Chapter introductions only SPY could have produced An 41Essentially Useless Index"

ALL FOR JUST

s69; Published by

At bookstores now DOLPHIN/DOUBLEDAY

STILL THE CHAMP

CC)

PHOTO CREDITS Page 4 Scn Am.. W.nk (krgee Pog.*i I 1-1 2. to Arg.h iim. Photo (81ecdmon). AP/Wid. WcW IDR. Nozs. Ro Golilla (A1,iuj

Poq. 30 Ron W&ntO.dO F.oiw, }fl$efnOhOnaI (5anhj; tl/ 8.Pmor. Nwphoo. (Ekkch; Ro. Golilla (Ouirw). Pogs 31 L?/1q.tnonn N..sphoc. (3nK .ogon Ouayhj; AP/ Wd. WoId (DiAo&.s

(Kopor". FPG pod)

Page 36 Randy Dunbw

P.9. 40 C G4l. P.,.si/Mo9nwo P$oo, kc )Bv); NY Do Ne.s (Whan.y); VOIQIn Kohano/Stocing Siot (Fo*I. ., NY Pois )Son d Sam). Roo Goi.Io (Tturç

po9. 42: H ÑmsIrong Robi (De. Nich). Pog. 46. P,vìk.d Finn )co$.00). p.9. 31: UPt/k$Worw N.o,pko*os WCil.ndO,. APÍWd. WoM Iopc,

Pog. 52 H AtmUon9 Rob.m ¿coni4 Pog 34. Moitho Soop. (t.gs Domond. Wuioovil. P.9. 56 Bu Ak/NV Tin Sudo (F'onl&). G&b and Ro.-ibd cow*oy al 71i Nw Yod Tm.s

Pog.. 3$-59: Ro.orn. Rub.niun/Psopl. W..&y/C I 986 Lia. -): Siaca Aon.. W.Òi f8.gia) Ii'

on Aua.. WiiI )Bsigr).

Page 6 1 Poyp &4

ick .¼MdIOn (GiU.t)

po9., ò

nd.ck L.wm/NYC (hou)

Pog. 66 The

po9. 73

Knotts-ian facial expressiveness from Haden-(ì uest . Standing uncomfortably close to

)pulh)

Ct another unidentified

Aiiiotig Rob.ai (orni). c Hany J Piz.kop/

1h. $ioc4 shop )pilI,); C Dcli Lig.oflh. S'odi Shop (mon). Ç Hmb Sm'z.n/Th. Sodi Shop (chiai).

po9. 74 i; Damd AR*/Th. Stock Shop (òc Fr.d.IIC Liwi. NYC (ch.ch) H. Amiiiong Rob.ia (need.. nI.gnio). P.9. 76 london F.oajan iwnot.onoI )5ad.) Coniia 8ctbo,.n.

Goud(5u; Wohn MceI.dI/hInO Lid. (Diaii.k).

You1

Et' j .

MOVQUOIOS bLandi. I 902. Fo&nivng Mutian. Eu.n. Giamony (Goug'n), Aa Resouic. fGnowJ; Ron Godlo (lazai). Pog. 77 Gooudon/M Riacuqc. (P.coio). Mdoiiy 50VI9IIOIiO/RO

Johonuø/Ou'in. Pisos (Oans); i.s Dmno.oia dAnJyon (1907). on cannas, 8 o 78. Cca.duon. th. Muiia,n d Madoni Ast. Nm

men in anticipation of the i 989 Ironman semifinals.

len, Dopey Literary Stare, takes a few pointers in Don

RObSdi (load); Frsdstic tians (wduogro-) '1h. Sioch Shop )&oanng blood). ( j.ø,., R..,d/ AUTiIIVCO9

I-

Ironnian Nightlife 1)ccathIon winner, COI3CIflUCS his gruding nonstop all-nightevery-night training regi-

His arrn around two unidentified well-wishers and his eves on a third (ah',ze), Haden-Guest SCCII1S to long k)r another set (.)f limbs that would OCtO1)USSiShl,' increase his grope-an(l-snugg!e radius - a criti(a! eømpønent in any winrung lronman performance. At former Iiøt Sj)Ot M.K.(righi). important novelist Jay Mcmerney. past master of the Sul-

Po9. 32: P*ciohii (Pio po9. 34 M.ch. D.ho

Anthony

Iladen-Guest, spy's 1988

Acqoiad ifvah th. tRi. P. BLu kquiai.

well-wisher

(left) .

Haden-

Guest inexplical)ly hears down hard

perhaps to rehcrornonish unidentified-well-

lease some of the

'isher-attractirig manmusk he

falfl()L1S for.

Pog. 7$. Ron Wo$icn/London F.oMia INsino%onaJ P4Onnd). Rocky Widr*/R.jna Ud. (Ruchoids); Fd..o Noci,u/Gl )Ocoi.&(. Ail

P.iai.c. (Schial.. lop); 5 Ponioi With Ann Tmiu.d Above Ksod.

c 1910 PvivCoIh.on)Schs,.,boitom) Pa9s 79 Ron GoLda tSn&iWg(. UPI/B.itmaa. N.wnphob )Gob&(. Tho Miaropohion Aiwjffi cl Ail. Anonymous GA. 1983 1983 2 I I (8oio); Ail R.,oi*c. (Bo;on;). Kohol Cohctcn C

(5chwocz.negge); NY 0a4 Nwi (Hog.)

Th. Melody Hounli My R.viaia 4 I 98 I by VAGA. Nia. Yonk and 8&LDKUNST, Bairn (LicÑsnis..n); truco taninen/Pholoinpodmi )Pakmo PLcaso) All R.ioiirc. )lágrn), pa9. SO; Coinssy V$oirn and Aibein Minium (B.OldI1Iy Woman and B.cycl.. 1952-53 (D. Koonir, Idi), Joi.ph Mottm/Sca4a/Att R.saitc. (D. Kooiang, aghi); Roi. Hodnazi )M&4$. Moruno Cornici )Rdlwnrnic.. Choazing); 8on GalillO (Sinifi. MOnoil). Th. lrwngu. 1 890. Konmklijk Mun.um noci Scion. Kvnii,n. AM.erp lirmoi); (

Maih R.uni*n/Phaion.ponmn (8eagon( Chai. os (Nci.1ion) Scolo/Agi Riawc, (Van Gogh. nhi); Mu*és â. Bol,, Liig,dot,on

YPRANCING At the c;reat American (;liibhouse, Haden-

Guest performs nw Jittle-known. I m-J ust-a-'cX'orkingMan-from-Bristol. leg-over-leg version of the twist with a stonyfaced (lance-floor persuaclee, whose subsequent sniirk SCCfl1S tO Say, Im t/tiiìg this oi i (hire. Strutting and pL1ting his way through a ery personal. very cathartic. Mick Jagger-esque bougie reverie. Haden-Guest takes first place in his own one-maci conga line. even though his enthusiasm exceeds his l)OdVS tuherlike pliability

Rudo8 Ssoech.hn (Von Gogh. hiti; Siirnal/Gøhl$o )Hun?. ChciL

Anthony Si*.gnorm/Goh$o Vonowi); Coi. PaiL.. 1Homme ou

Doig*. co. 1947 IGoia.cu. op I9hII. Soda/Ast R.ioi*c. (Giacot. IOwci hh and bouma righil: icily Wochiui/Iocu on Sporn (Bol); Karen Hardy/London lsøiicuu Mcinaiond (DoSa.) peg. si Ron CalcIO (Gos... Munndl. Bid); Gin. Trinri/Glohi Phm 01 (Hown), Bondnno Con Tr.cc. (Modigloni); Smso1/OahIia (Durai), Momo Cornici (Ro.Iwn); P.* C . Boisori )BriLulàn); Roznan. mod' (Zarca); Chuch Pulir/Sin' Fil. )Kun4 Nain Cuilsi/Glob. Pizoloi Baigna.); Ponro.t oSo ?#on, 1622 Oiainwozih. The Chaluwodi Houi Toni 4øIu. ligid). Poiino.i ai w.rion Czoia. Apse Piloholhih. Munich Hob. m.ds). Ai' Riaource (Moie. b. Moai.. (19511 Old op Wi). Scalo/M Riaounce Moor.. bco.n hfr, Doccia. Gloso); Anihony Salnß0000/ROn CaSe4o (Smith. Sh.. Jci*i Hoinihoc fGiuhon4

Pog.. 82-13 Frederic Icon/NYC (woman); Fron Colin (Tubock). Po9e 8$ Kobol Cølhchon (Domney Jr.. lobock) Po9ei 90-9t . sop. Tb. Siock Shop: bøitoin Pesci Avachi

Page 99

Dugin Piinniai (Suigai Rani); Jenny Lynn (Hanau Kai).

Pag. i 00

cialeui

(Main), (Plolsound

pa9.

.\fl

I 987 Fusi L. Gould/Images Pc,w.s (Dun.oMcs), Soto Barril

ICoulsilo), c

5ljI/

SIcoi).

loi Gerald Zugasorsi/The Mui.um oS Modern An t'icw You

ICoop HinamBilas). Soto Barril (Miau Repubhe. Luisis. Msijicn.

Pog. 102 Soro Barree (mau loaf. cancMiuichil; Nick, Couva )iiic.s Pog. I IO H Aimseong Roberts (unoa on phoani. Pagss i i I-I 19 Jalas Simon. )*zdonGu.st dancing). Poirick McMulon (dl ndssu iiodon.G,mui), Ron Gohia WIk). Tomnu Arroyo/Ron Golilla (Sialoac). Ros. Hautmor LionoacuL Kouiabi. Bynn.( al oihouu. Manzo Gambi

ADEMOISELLES DE THE SPANISH BALL.

Paloma Picasso mesmerizes designer Aga-

tua Ruiz with her demonstration of that age-old party trick in which you try co touch ,OUr lips simultaiieouslv ti.) your OOSC

and your chin. And shes done it I)rinks all around!

)I8SPYMARCH 1989

Megawon-

jewelry and tchotchke designer derfu I

HOWDY!

Apparently the hot uew

rnaching vest) beneath the strucwrally unsound. bronto-

ugly garment is the plaid x)Iyest(r sports coat. of (he SOf( pOpLIIariZCd

SdUtLIS-lik(.' combInation of jumbo head aiI we litrk neck.

by Jack-in-the-Box francIiisi.s. Overage Jaix-nauf David Byriu

(right). ¡n a licorice-and-

Meanwhile. Terry Sweeney impersonator Mark Kostahi kmon-flavored [)acrongctup,

models a whit-rrash a(lua-aI1d-srt-o(-PL1rplc tartan (with

seems to make a cer- _________ Cain kind of!ove to the camera with his reptilian u)mc-hither look.

Jill-of-all-trades Tarna

Jaiowitz. modclirìtz clothes at a Bersey Johnson show during fashion veek. contin0eS

validate tht

jU(lglflt'fl( of her mencor. former .\ U 'l'i'4t ' editor \Villiam Shawn. (lis horiziipital .Ir1Pe.0 t/)11 iakt (j// look thinpier. 'iR/'P)

shows off the

I.ater.

knees that made her the I11O(leI she

is - in

piece from johnsons

- Lowrider Ladv collection (note the fh)ral-seat-cover-print strapless skirt and the sombrero with flufFcdashboard-trim piping). -

rrim?n

Just outside his limo. Bruce Willis surreptitiously hands off his baby.

no-

AQUALITY TIME

longer-Luite-so-ban k -

ahle actor-artist-homLlnculus Sylvester

Ruiner.

Stallone growls as he sits astride a life-size n)u)rcvcle (with kick-

ti)

a hired baby-

h.n J i er.

stand down for sakr driving) and models an inexplicable jacket ut I)l)S(tIfV origin and.

we can only ¡resut1e. ridiculous price.

L RUB-A-DUB-DUB

Gossip colum-

ntstpotcnual Antichrist too long. dwarf bi!-

matchmaker R . Coon I-lay (right) does his level best U) ignite a companionable spark

lionaire I.arrv Tish puts on a

between reclusive shy-guy

fitise mustache and goes look¡ng for thrilling high jinks.

writers Bret Easton Ellis and Quentin Crisp.

VAftcr being under the sunlaffli) ;

a\X'illtully boyish I)isIwy

"'p

lichtcl his-

ncr. who had never before been plu)(ographeil eith another

htintn being. makes 1 kt jCLk)US E)y posini. wb an adniiriniz i1.

tiiil )VeU.

BUT

YOUR HONOR .

D()OfllCd

junk

bond suzerain t ike M ilken. making the fl)St of his kw remaining pretrial outings. has L)eefl (kv()nug himself to beimig

photograhcd Zelig-like. .

c1urit (VCflt'..

-..;'-

aí OLD PEOPLE, PARTY OF FIVE?

ThAT'U. BE TABU 22

MARCH 198') SPY I 19

IIIi

.lIlSIlI

'A'Afl .,

. ./Ji/

M g, t. i,

I%U I

ti I I I%I

U l%1 I

I%I II

1%'

in the old days meant squandering valuable linie packedfae-to-armpii with legions ofother grogpj siraphangers. 5ta in our Neu', Improved Neu' York, the subu'ay train has gone the way ofihe jitney and the ricksha. Ride the Metropolitan Pneurnatk Tube Transport System andyou 'II arrive in Manhattan before Ok can catch your breath. Faster than an interoffice memo, able to leap the East River in a single arc, the MPTTS operates on the simple concept o/suc/ion. So step into your own u'ell-padded PneuĂŽnato-Cylinder. lie back on the easily mopped vinyl lining and preparefor the 30 seconds ofsheer terror that have replaced black coffee as every morning pnesininziiters stimulant ofchoice. ) ILLUSTRATIONJ BY HOWARC

L I-i -

) .e .

-i

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