Spy Magazine July-August 1988 by Josh Gillette

;

The Sporty Sports Watch: We thought of making a watch that you could wear when diving to depths of 1000 feet 路n salt water. Then we realized that at that depth t e pressure Will crush your head like an eggshell, and when that happens who cares what time it is. So we made a watch that will stand the pressure found at the bottom of most swimming pools. A watch that's also great for sports like skate board ng, windsurfing, roller derby, s rno wrestling, ha g gliding and demoliti derby. If you drop your Swatch into 1000 feet of salt wate , you can b y a new one for $35. Swatch gives you more than the time of day.

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.. u Sly Stallone even

more boorish than hiI image? II Rttdolph Giuliani an old monk? II Gorby a glib maverick? Plm death by exerciIing and-finally - the Bob Goulet tour calendar fI} THE Spy MAP .. A man-bat hovering over Coney iIland.' The Virgin Mary prophesying in Flushing! STEPHEN RAE lovingly renders the UFOs and resurrections that make New Ytirk a city ofmiracles . .... ~ THE COVER s-n Wrivh! PARTY POOP . • . . • • • . . • . . 'W pitotovlUpMd br Chris Cam..

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RETURN TO GRENADA

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..As we approach the fifth anniversary ofthe Big \'(Iar-this generatioTls Viet1zam- GUY MARTIN hits the beacheI of Grenada in search of the MIAI we left behind; he finds an island swarming ...., with drugs, military materiel and would-be CIA informers

"DEEP DOO.DOO": THE GEORGE BUSH QUIZ

.. President Bush? What a cockamamy idea!

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Read this report before yOIl vote. By PAUL SLANSKY Do SEX AND VIOLENCE SELL CIGARETTES?

.Our semiotics correspondent, JOH LEO, analyus the impressively overt sexual cigarettes' "Alive with Pleas/~rt advertising campaigtl. (}&u know: the ads with W01lletl gushitlg garden hoses. Those ones.) . . . . . . . . . . . PI I I

fatltasies in Newport drinking from men's

ABRIDGED Too fAR

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•JAMIE MALANOWSKI's annual diet distillation ofthe most significant and atrocious recent celebrity autobiographies, from Mamie Van Doren to Freddie de Cordova, including all the dirty bits and humiliating rationalizationJ without all the selfserving filler. PllII BARRY WALDEN on How to Reada Celebrity Index, and "Sweet Smells of Success,na guirk to the stars' aromas.O THE HIGHTUFE DECATHLON

.. Carl Bermtein, Morgan Entrekin and Anth01zy Haden-Guest are the city's most night crawlers. But only one catl be champion. Spy private eyeIJOHN BRODIE and B08 MACK tailed unsuspecting contestams for an evening and kept score. And the winner is-

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relentless the three

c: REVIEW OF REVIEWERS

.[G ATZ

RATZWIZK/lVZKI on the right! of we the readers

ALSO

.CELIA BRADY charts the movements within The Industry; ANDREW SULLIVAN opens direct mail from black supporters ofJesse Helms's Politics; ELLIS WEINER describe! How to Be a Grown-up with a naughty nanny; JIM GRANT limns to the ominous hmh on The Street; CHARL£S PoarER cenJures the censors on The Webs; and T. S. LORD ~ on the Fashion favored by well-dressed dictators .... ~

•

OUR UN.BRITISH CROSSWORD PUllLE

.. By Roy BLOUNT JR. .

Spy (ISS 0890-1759) is published monthly. except]anuary and]uly, by Spy Publishing Parmers. The Puck Building, 295 Larayette tree<. New York: y. 10012. Send editorial submissions (including SASE) <0 same address. For ad""'tising sales. call 212-925·5509_ © 1988 by Spy Publishing Partners, L.P. Second.da.. postage paid at New York, N.Y., and additional mailing offices. Subscription race in the U.S_. irs possessions and C.nad., U.S. $20. yea. Postmaster: Please send address changes to Spy. P.O. Box 359139. Palm Coas" 1'1, 32035-9139.

ITELY NOTUS.

Is your idea of entertainment magazines that they're really nothing more than sex and scandal sheets? Without question, entertainment magazines have a far more lurid past than the entertainers they vilify. What you would be wrong about, however, is placing US magazine in the same universe as them. "True, we deal with entertainers. But the similarity stops there. Rather than demeaning entertainers, we try to understand them. What they are, not as stars, but as fellow human beings. More talented human beings, maybe. But people, nevertheless. You'll find no nasty little tales, no ugly gossip, no lurid sexuality. What revelation there is, the entertainers give us themselves. (When you treat people with dignity. they tend to be candid~ Very simply. what you will find in US is first hand conversation with the icons of our time. Written with wit, with style, with compassion. Afar cry from entertainment magazines as you've come to know them, indeed.

fIB

DEFINITELY A DIFFERENT KIND OF ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE.

THE LONG, Hill SUMMER OF LEGEND AND OUR YOUTH WAS, IT must be said, a thrilling spectacle: civil insurrection, unfettered drug use, political leaders reduced to irrelevant fussbudgeting, no regard for law and order. The long, hot summer of 1988 is not quite as operatic as the long, hot summers of the late 1960s (we can change the world rearraaange the world) and early 1970s (Tin soldiers and Nixon coming ...four dead in Ohio), but the last act of Reaganarama is having its moments. ,... General Noriega is more patently a swamp creature than Generals Diem, Ky and Thieu were, and associates of the Reagan administration, it turns out, control a nice part of the narcotics traffic into America; the central crimes of Irancontra are more consequential than the Watergate break-in; Nancy Reagan's astrological obsessions are at least as weird and delighrful as Martha Mitchell's mad outbursts; and Attorney General Ed Meese, unlike Attorney , General John Mitchell, is simultaneously under investigation for possible crimes on several different fronts. And you wondered why Crosby, Stills and Nash have been playing a reunion concert every week or so. Meese's embarrassing refusal to scuttle out of the picture made George Bush spend much of the eady summer reassessing that loyalty thing and that innocent-untilalthough the vice proven-guilty thingpresident claims he never recommended that Meese be dumped. In fact, Bush said, "I deny I have ever given my opinion to anybody." -::- - Religious nuts are endorsing Bush right and left. It's Pat Robertson one day, Muammar al-Qaddafi the next. And this Qaddafi fellow is making sense. "I think that Mr. Bush ... has worked with Reagan and ... suffered from the irrationality ofReagan and foolishness....

The Ion hot summer

AUGUST 1988 SPY II

So he uld be a berrer president because ... he auld sort of make up for ic." William BenneIT,.Rea n's Brian Dennehy-esque Educarion secretary, has quit and says he is contemplating a run for the presidency someday himself. Bennett combines the roo t inreresting qualicies of the failed 1988 Republican candidates. like Dole, he can be mean' like Haig, he is a loose cannon; and like Du POnt, who once went out with Jane Fonda, Bennett has admitted that he dated an icon of the counrercultu.re-Janis Joplin. We can hear the reporters' 1.992 question now. Didyou Jleep wilh her? Did you recomnrmd Ihal Jhe lake LSD? And we can heat the reply: I dmy I ~ gium my opinion 10 anybody. It's one thing for rock sr.a.r:s ro take drugs; it used ro be part of the job descri prion. However, in general, it is proba Iya poor idea for people operating passenger trains to be stoned. 1n the last 18 months there were 37 American crain accidents in which some critical railroad operativeand wIre not talking ahol.lllbt guy who Jells lhe Miller Lilt p, 1.75 and mirrowaue.s Ih had hamhurgm-r ted positive for drugs. o maybe when we head out to Yellowstone -we go co Yellowstone every sum-

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are, after all, Americans-we will mer; fly. But maybe we can somebo avoid rouching down at O'Hare (\~n'1 }YJU pleaJe come 10 Chicago?), since, according to a survey of 1,360 pi! tS, OHar is among th five most dangerous U.S. airports. That wouJd be scary enough if not for the fact th t, according (0 me same survey, O'Hare is also among the five sap U. . airportS. The pilors, to be taken seriously, had best follow the Bush example: \~ timy we haflt

cording to the Times, said the fa.reweJj message was -apparently an atrempt at free verse." This all eerns mighty suspicious to us: foc scarters. how many ew York cop know free verse when they see it? At least, however, th alleged murderer of lisa reinberg has now been punished in ew York upreme Coun: by a resounding 4-1 vore (Ifyou believe in j~ and ifYOII believe in ~m) the court's AppeUare Division threw the book tJoel Steinberg, rulever given our opinion 10 anybody. ing that he had misled its Committee on o maybe we'll take the station wagon to Chatacter and Fitness about his law chool Yellow rone. If we drive, we can go by way record, and disbarred him. That hould of Marion, arch Carolina (ye • sure, ic's a reach the bastard. lirrle ouc of the y, but the IUds will be Ed Koch, who had disclaimed all responthai much mOrt mud to see Old Faithful). sibility for the teinberg case, appeared reMarion has the best curren roadside at- cendy before a meetin ofthe Grizens Comtraction in the oum: Duffey node, a ten- mittee for ew York Gry, tossing out year-old fundamentalist who evangelizes opinions promiscuously. The citizens, hissoutside his school. In his sermons, Duffey ing and booing (RPles and regulaliom, who calls teachers ·fornicators~ "You're guilty!" he needs 'em? Throw ~ Olilihe door), finally made shouts. "Even your eyes are 6lled with adul- . it impossible for Koch to speak. "Boo boo rery!- Finally: someone who doesn't deny he to you too!- che eloquent mayor aid ro his has (\-\ r given his opinion to anybody. constituents and walked off. Thus, an imBack in ew York a congressional aide ponant coroUary to th Bush Rule: If you kicked off the tourist season by jumping co give your opinion in public., it ill JUSt be his death from his room at the HeJmsley Pal· that much more difficult, later, to deny havace. The cop who saw his suicide note, ac- ing given it. )

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FINNISH UP

SPY

AUGUST 1988

From the SPT mailroom: We can understond the collecting compulsion-the need to own all of Andy Warhol's cookie jars or every Elvis Costello 8-side or on unbroken set of Joyce Carol Ootes's boob-and so we are naturolly sympathetic to Worcester, Massachusetts, reoder Mitch Murphy's desire to purchase the May 1978 issue of SPT. Mr. Murphy's interest in that decade-old issue began after SPY reprinted, in this year's May issue (''Ten Yeors Ago in SPY"), an excerpt from David Owen's 1978 article discussing, in detail, the possibility of a space shuttle's someday exploding due to faulty O.,ings. Mr. Murphy, who is also interested in possessing "any older issues, if possi. ble;' was apparently surprised to learn of the existence of a 1978 issue: "I was under the impression that SPT was only a few years old;' he admits. ft's true that we weren't born yesterday. Even so, we're sorry to soy that we can't supply a copy of the May 1978sf'T, either because (1)the issue is completely sold out, and the earliest still-Gvoiloble issue is October 1986, or because (2) the cavalier attitude with which we conduct our personal lives extends to our presentation of spy's publishing history, particularly as regards dotes, chronology and ather intrusive facts. Back to the present. Allie Y. Liu of Princeton, New Jersey, accuses us of not knowing who the Zoom kids are (see this space, April 1988). "Early to mid70s, public TV;' she explains patiently. "These kids in striped shirts would come on and show you how to do butterflies with your arms." We hew that. We just wanted to mob a joke about hip-hop music. In any event, we still don't know what happened to the Zoom kids, which is what Carl Pfirman, of Minneapolis, hod asked. ff there are any farmer Zoom kids among o...r reoden, please get in touch with Ms. Liu or Mr. Pfirman-but leave us out of it. We're tTying to put out a magazine here-and have been far some time. if you count those 1978 iss...es. Jan Harrington of Manhattan writes, "Please show ...5 a picture (doctored if necessary) of Malcolm Forbes in a pushup bro ond a flounced party dresS:' Must

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"'. kie an

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we? He looks much better in a ....be top and matching culottes. On March 25 The Hew Yod Times published G story on a rare 'ndian petrogl,ph-a turtle corved on a stone-discovered crt the New Yorl ~ fanical Gorden, in the Bronx. H you didn't see it or keen obout it, don't blame lett. M. Henriques of ttle Deportment of Cultural "'Hairs. ML Henriques. who is pictured and qltOted in the orticle. is d0ing absoh,tel, eftf)'thing One penon con do fa spreod ttle 'WOld. St.e sent $I'T tile Times clip and a handwritten note offering to pose wittl the turtle. concluding, "Coli "" agent:' On ttle bock of tt1is note was another, crossed-out message" presumobl, forgotten, which began, "Dear Mr. Marchom, I ttlought ttlis clip from The H_ Yo" Times would interest you, and might be included in on upcoming Cornell Alumni H...... My daughter graduated from ConteIl in 1980 wittl B.f..... from ... " What's Bett. M. He.... riques running for, anywa,l Sora Oppenheim writes charmingly from Raleigh. North Carolina, fa so, tIlcrt she was recentt, confined to her home for ttI...e doys. "My crime?" she soys. '" ordered all )'Our bock issues." Not quite 011 of them, Sora, right? Not May 1978, sure',. Alon Christensen of Son Francisco sa)'$ tt10t just afterttle publicotion of our March issue. which contoined his "I hate New Yor\-'Iove sn" letter to the editor, he received the following message on his onswering mochine: "I jus' sow your letter in SPY mog06;ne anti collerl to let yrJfI inow Hew Yori: HATES YOU TOO." Don't worry; it wal probobl, just our mayor being diplomatic. Finoll" D. L Schenk, purportedl, of the Serra Cooperative Library System in Son Diego. has sent UI a highl, offidaJ. looking, typed request form ttlot reads 01 follows: "Please send a copy of feotures oppearing in SPY regarding Matt Dillon. Thank )'OIl." Serra says Schenk il not offilioted with them but hOI been blonketing the country witll limilar form. requesting film trivia. We hG'l'e no ethical problem with ttlot, but honestt" the last Matt Dillon feature we published was bock in the late seorenties ("The Reol New Dillon:"'n ActotfTodcUerto WatdI'1, and, as e'I'\tI'yone k.nows. ttlose issues of 5I'Y are no Jon~ availoble.

DEAR EDITORS I·m disappointed in you, SPy. I recently picked up the Aplil issue, and whom did 11101 see in a face-ro·face feud on the COver? Leona -I Don·[ Pay My Taxes, Why Should Your Helmsley and Ivana ~One Dollar a Year and All the Dresses I Can Buy· Trumpthe respective queens of The Palace and The Plaza. I[·s such a natural Spy cover. Shame on you. H()wtml UwiJ RNm/l Ntw Ywk

DEAR EDITORS I wouldn't stay at a hotel whose owners paid their taxes. Why should you? Bna" H1CJuy Httrl KJlc!Jt". Ntw YH,t

DEAR EDITORS Egads, Donald Trump on the cover! Is spy perpetuating the myth/Era of the Designer

Celeb? Helping post-teenbaby yuppette New Yorkers gel new meaning from the term tht UTi) Does true happiness (at Spy) mean being able to ignore the lack of ozone above success? Ptttr Crook Bllditth, WalhingtrJ/l, D.C. Wtlt, yes .. , bllt art )'011 sure )'011 IllUurst()()(/ tht magaunt?

DEAR EDITORS Even withOut the art department's help, why does Donald Trump·s head always look pasted on? Gng Ha"i~n New Y()rk

DEAR EDllORS Thank you so much for the ~article· on weddings in your April issue. I was pleased to see the gigantic type at the bottom of the page letting all your readers know that it ~ -a special promotional supplement· and 1IIJt anothet of those advertisements disguised as journalism. Why don't you Start a new column tided Prostitute of the Month and have spy be the first feature? Neal 1..Achrit

DEAR EDITORS After receiving my first issue of your magazine, I decided to accept your two·year subscription offer-but I have. a nagging problem: I guess I belong to what is called the bridge-and-tunne1 crowd, and }Itt I found )'Out magazine wrenchingly funny and deliciously snide. Does this mean there is hope for me? Jm"iftr A1. Sa"ItJ Ntw Ywk Wtll, Jll ... hMt art JOM sure JOM Mm:ft.nlotJd tIN ",agazi"t?

DEAR EDITORS

arne the dawn when this rnder gOt blurry from Fine Print. Who'da munk merea be a magazine you couldn't pUt down? Pretty impressive.. You did what Tom Robbins (my hero) and Stephen King couldn't do rogether! Also impressive is the cumulative crea-

(lVlty and level of consciousness clearly shared among the contributing editors and writets at SPY. Curiously interesting is the format of relative anonymity, realized halfway through (names not included on same page with article). Surely minds such as those are possessed of a hidden ego wishing that their names accompanied their articles? On the other hand, it's probably enough JUSt to be there. Trish Turk Harrison, Ntw York

DEAR EOITORS As fat as I'm concerned, there are only two habitable places in the world: a few square blocks in Venice, California, and Manhat. tan-not necessarily in that order. That"s why I enjoyed Edward Zuckerman·s ·Confessions of an Outer Borough Exile· [April}. If you substitute -the Valleyfor -Outer Borough: you have some great bicoastal humor. What's most amusing is that with a name like Zuckerman, your author would have to live in the Valley. A""t Silwr OJnway ",,,itt, CaliJmtia

Ntw Hl1'k AUGUST 1988 5r1 1)

DEAR EOllORS permit me to wax

The first book of stories by

Bill Franzen is welcomed by Garrison Keillor: " ...Bill.. Franzen [isJ one of the funniest

[guys .. .IJ... no..." Stephen King: "A wonderful book of

short slories... Fast, funny, and utterly delightful. Along the way, Bill Franzen shares some prickly~ "What 1M sharp insights on the human condition in

J!., Did-

general and on the American family in particular." Bruce McCall: "Hearing from WaY11e is the only book in the last half-century that, if there were just one copy of it 10

go around, James Thurber, George Price, Vladimir Nabokov, and yours truly, among others, would ·.11... eagerly arm-wrestle

~:~"

each other for personal possession." Booklist: "Franzen's sense of

irony and his sarcastic voice arc home-spun on the outside-he spins a great silling-around-

the-backyard yarn-but underneath the funny outlook on life is a ' . keen appreciation of "TMl.onI; literary technique: a modern Mark Twain, in other words." The New

"0-·

---

York Times Book Review: "Witty, tight and wild." Ian Frazier: "Funny, romantic sto-

ries about vinyl repair and death." People Magazine: "Franzen creates not only laugh lines but a slightly disturbing tone... Funny, pointed short stories." Bob and Ray: "If it .lorio. were up to us, we'd in .11 recommend Bill Fran-';i zen's Hearing from Wayne with- ~ out a mO(J1ent's hesitation." ~

Just published by Knopf

i o

16 SPY AUGUST 1988

~n.dig.

nant over your VICIOUS and dastardly use of only part of my letter about a photo that appeared in Spy a few issues ago {From the SPY Mailroom, April}. Quoted out of context, I appear to be a crude, boorish, drooling, sexist slob who skims magazines with only One Thing in Mind. Since some of the above is probably untrue, you owe me an apology.

Jeffrey RobertI Jericho, New York Mr: &bertl wa1 quoted in April] From the SPY Mailr()()m a1 followI: -Who, oh, who i1 the beauteoul blond with the bream, and il there any chance we may Jee more ofher in future iJJUeJ of Spy?" rIO which we mpo",kd, aHllbDa_ hubba,Jeff.'} In fairnm to Mr: RobertI, here iJ the entire previoUJly unpubliJhed portion ofthat letter: aForget Barbara WaiterJ] admiration for !Jona HelmJleyJ trademark iron handgrip ....• By painstakingly fitting this all-important, newly diKovered fragment together with the publishedfragment, we get a very, lItry different meaning indeed-and another sad example of the press abuJing itJ power. We apologiu.

DEAR EOllORS I f you buy the T-shins

in bulk and they are printed with only three letters on them, plus the color choice is black, black or black, where do you get off charging $12? Now, don't get me wrong. I read spy cover to cover, and have done so since the beginning, and I teU my friends and others how great it is. But $t2? Enclosed is a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Ifyou can tell me why you charge $12, besides the fact that you want to make a serious profit, I'll buy two! Jeffrey A. Kondus

Baltimore, Maryland ·SeriouJ profit? Itl cynics like Mr: Kondus who are mpomiblefor JO much ofthe miJunderJlanding in the world. First, there may only bt three lellerJ, bllt they are large lfllen Second, by limiting the color choice to black, we are saving readen the embarraJJment of making an umound fashion dNi$ion-black is always in and it makfJ you look thinner. Third, readerJ more trwting tban Mr: lGmciuI- readers who paidthe 112 without any unbecoming soul-1earchinghatJe learned that the spy T-shirt contains four bonus words on the back. Words, not lfllers. ['Our. Mr. KonduI, we aJ!ume you're -convinced" now, and we're billing you for two Jhim-as per our written, legally binding agreement,

DEAR EOllORS I've lost my job. I've lost

my car. I've lost my girlfriend. I've lost my apartment. I've lost my credit rating. And I've even lost my Commander Cody ring. In short, I've lost my way of life. But I haven't lost my ability to SpOt a good bargain, Enclosed is my last $12 for one of the famous spy shirts. This is JUSt what I need to get me back on my feet. Why, it'U be perfeCt fat my job interviews,

Bruce MileJ Los GatoJ, California P.S. you don't by any chance need a slightly demented copywriter, do you?

What a refrnhing lfller. We wiIh we had a job or a UJmmander Cody ring to giflt you, We d<;n't, Can we Iell you another shirt, perhapJ?

DEAR EDllORS My friend, Miss (still)

Claire Ptineas, who is the letters-column editor at UJJmopoJilan, frequently comments on her one difficulty with your magazine: "' have to think while reading the articles:' Can you please provide Miss Ptineas with a method co read spy with less pain? Also, how can r become friends with people who don't have such a hard ti me enjoying spy?

CharlfJ BlueJtone New York uq Mn'! think we can help you Ot MilJ Prinea1, but you'tJe got youne/fa great idea for a Cosmo piece there: -Will He Leave You if You Start Thinking Abollt What liIu're Reading? (And How to Win Him Back Without Using Your Place):

DEAR EOllORS I would

welcome your nomination of the attached for the 1989 Pulitzer prize for poetry,

Your tallinfJJ, Your chat/ineJs, Your snide remarks, Your meerJ, Make spy The spry alternative to Details, Ell'

and Lear's. George Haber New York

lost girl,t my :om路

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DEAR

As a faithful, die-hard reader of SPY, I feel it my dury to offer some desperately needed advice to the stalf writers. As I perused the most recent issue of Spy (another jabulouJ issue, I might add) I couldn't believe that my friend Diane Brill was again mencioned in your pages. If you aren't talking about her body, you've got some yellowing old photo of her; you guys will take any chance you can get juSt to print Diane's name! Then it hit me: you have a huge, raging crush on her-dare 1 say you're obsessed with the woman?! Listen, I know you think thar just because you're aU cigar-chomping, coffeedrinking magazine hacks, that a woman of Diane's caliber, intelligence and fame would never give you the time of day- bur this is simply not tcue. Diane is a demure, shy, regular gal-I swear to God, the woman does her own grocery shopping. My advice to you (I myself being a soughr-afrer blond) is this: try the subtle approach. A woman like Diane hears everything from "Yo! Bitch!" (I don'r recommend this line for you) to "How about a visit to Fred's Fur Vault?" every day of the week. Consrantly writing about her is a nice rouch, but I think a single rose or a small bur tasteful piece of jewelry just might be the ricket. Don't be shy, Ann Turnbull New York EOI"IORS

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DEAR EDITORS

would like to correct the inaccurate terminology used in your 3nide ~What if the Pope Were a Dog~ (by Henry Alford, April}. Under Sarurday's corry, Mr. Alford men·

tions the pope/dog's "magic spot; the sWHching of which causes his (the popel dog's, nO( Mr. Alford's) "inactive left leg co flail wildly." While I heartily approve ofthe wild flailing, the spot is, in fact, officially known as "the skrirchy spot: Sltun E. Chri!lianJDJ.Matobo

Brooklyn

cory Alford's article

DEAR EDITORS

·What if the Pope Were a Dog- made me laugh OUt loud on che subway. For 17 years I've avoided ever laughing on the subway.

AnJrrw D. RmI Ntw YlWk

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DEAR EOI'JORS

As a

fairhful, die-hard

reader of SPY, I feel it my dut)' to offer some desperately ne«led advice co the staff writers. Iu I perused the most [«em issue of SPY (another phlilollI issu~ I might add) 1 couldn't believe that my friend Diane Brill was again mentioned in your pages. If you aren't talking about her body, you'~ gor some yellowing old photo of her; you guys will take any chance you can get just to print Diane's name! Then it hit me: you have a huge, raging crush on her-dare I say you're obsessed with the woman?! Listen, I know you think that JUSt because you're all cigar-ehomping, co~ drinking magazine hacks, that a ,,",'Oman of Diane's caliber. intelligence and fame would never give you the time of day- but this is simply nOt true. Diane is a demure., shy, rrgMl4r gal-I swear to God, the woman does her own grocery shopping. My advice to you (I myself being a sought-after blond) is this: cry the subtle approach. A woman like Diane hears everything from "Yo! Bitch!~ (I don't te(:ommend this line for you) to ~How about a visit to F~s Fur Vaultr every day of the week. Constantly writing about her is a nice touch, but I think a single rose or a small but tasteful piece of jewelry just might be the ticket. Don't be shy. Ann TMnrhM/I Ntw York

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just sem you a whiny let· fer about Dianne Brill. I've had the horrible realization that I spelled her name wirh only one n in it. I may have to leave rown in a permanent way.

Ann Turnbull New}0rk The extra n tUmni change the way we feel about MI". Brill (sigh).

DEAR EDITORS

can't thank you enough for the "Filofax Mad· ness" piece {March}. Reading it was as thrilling as adding new inserts to my three· and-a-half·pound Filofax. (You really tickled my jokes-one-Iiners bone.) I'm now trying to find a way to file this precious article in my book. Any ideas?

Billie "Fax Greenbaum UJJ AngeleJ, California Wait till the SPY/ofax beromeJ available, We're ttIt·marketing it in MinneapoliJ now, JO it woni be long. W

Fifth Ave. al 541h St. and Westbury, N. Y., Wayne and I':Iramus. N.J. (800)223-2326.0 I988Fortunoff.

"Of all the hotel's many pleasures, I found none more channing than an early-morning stroll about the grounds. So, as was my custom, I arose before six. "As I reached the secluded garden, there to peruse the morning Journal, another early- riser passed, I smiled. He smiled. It was some minutes later mat I realized I'd exchanged pleasantries with a man who hadn't been photographed in two decades, "

DEAR EOllURS As both a fan of your magazine aDd a staunch defender of its graphics style, I am somewhat shocked at your recent behavior. Your ·postmodernist" typography-which is somewhat exclusive to SPY- is the very thing you inadvertently attacked in your March feature ~Filofax Madness." You noted the "perverse company spelling- of flLOFAX without considering your own, Does SPY not reek of this? Or THE fiNE PRINT? Or your April "NiCe" features? This enigmatic form seems to be the Spy

thing to dfJ. Dismiss meaningless terms such as postmodernist and neo-dadaiJt, but also dismiss your own cheap shots at your typographi· cal predecessors, such as Filofax.

Jonathan Hoefler New York

DEAR EDITORS

Vour fact checker was tOO

I ~usy

laughing. London is one hour earlier [han Paris and Madrid in the cartoon by Leo {April]. And who said, "You could look it up~?

Margaret OJt The Beverly Hills !-bel and BungaloY.'S, 9641 SWlSeI. Boulevard, Beverly Hills, CA.. 90210 (213) 276·2251 Rcservatioru! (213) 278.1487 Cable: BEVHILL· Telex: 188586·1WX 910-490-2580 Rt-presented nationall~' by~ ~(800) R-WARNER 18 SPY AUGUST 1988

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Aren't fact dmkers allowed to (ut loose once in a while? Casey Stengel.

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Asa

harcl<ore New Yorker, I love your magazine. I have been living in Tokyo for the past eight months and working as an "English teacher~ What pleasure there is in perusing a periodical emirely devoted to revealing the inanities that suffuse New York life (and in such a witty, bitchy way!). Needless to say, r miss New York City with all my heart. lndre MelyniJ EDITORS

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EDITORS

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starting to take Seanle by storm, After finding spy sold out at neighborhood newsstands, I finally subscribed. To set YOUt mind at ease, Issaquah is a subutb that is located southeast of Seatde. We realize its name may sound unusual to some and ate sure New Yotkers know how we feel. I keep trying to tell people that Scarsdale is not some New York leper colony_

Michael King-St. Clair Seattle, Washington

DEAR EDITORS

s Jim Jensen stupid or what? We don't expect newsreaders to be men· tal giants, but I think it's not unreasonable of us to expect them to pronounce cor· rectly the names in the news. After several months, Jensen finally learned Nicaragua has four syllables, not five. Bravo! In one broadcast last week however, he continued to pronounce Gen: eral Noriega's name with three syllables and dropped the penultimate syllable from the name of Ambassador Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel. Maybe CBS should hire a bright high school kid to rehearse Jim before he goes on. It couldn't hurt.

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DEAR EDITORS

on't ever change.

Juliann Barbaro New lflrk spy wtkomts Imtr! /rom its nade'S. Addnss co,.,.,SjJl)ndtnct 10 SPY, The PMck S"ilding, 295 Lafaytlle Sfrm, New Y".,.k, N.Y. 10012. Pleast inrlM" yoMY daytime ultphMe nMmbt~ J

THE VERY NEXT DAY... SPY's CELEBRATION OF THE BUFFOONISH British publisher Robert Maxwell ("Ru. pert Murdoch -The Sequel;' by Chris· topher Silvester, May 1988) predated a New Wirk Times Magazine feature on Maxwell by four days, After roughing Max· well up a bit with the headline (BRITAIN'S MAVERICK MOGUL- whew!), the TimeJ settled down to a revealing·anecdote·free, tediously evenhanded account of the Maxweli career, including the fascinating news that his company prinrs the new Television section of the Sunday Times, But even bener was a story on Maxwell in the spring issue of Glohal Businw, which, in one of those amazing coinci· dences, happens to be a Maxwell Com· munication magazine "distributed to 50,000 influential business executives around the world~ Under the headline A GLOBAL VISION, the boss holds forth on the Future of Information while highly objective freelancer William Kay writes it all down. Kay's final paragraph begins, 'The Maxwell vision of the future will literally rum the world into the long· predicted global village" ,." All other vi· sions can just keep spinning their wheels. LATE IN APRIL, AS WE WERE GOING TO press with a profile of Eric Breindel ("When Bad Things Happen to Ambitious People; by Bruce Handy,]une), the New }6rk Posls editorial·page editor arrived at the Secaucus, New Jersey, studio of Morton Downey Jr, to defend Mayor Ed Koch against a panel thar included Village Voice reporter Joe Conason, Dapper as a sausage, stuffed into a gray suit and cowboy boots, Breindei watched as the deepervoiced, beUigerenr Conason pulled a thick file from his briefcase-and then Brein· del abruptly fled the set_ Evidently a mole had warned him that Conason might con· front Breindel's right-wing demagoguery with the anomaly ofhis 1983 heroin bust. The next day, the show's producers told anyone who asked that Bteindel had fallen ill during the taping. BERNSTEIN HAS LATELY BEEN M....K. ing suspiciously un-Coastetlike noises (see June issue). First Spy observed him working late into the night doing painstaking ~~eatch for a new book (see page 133, thiS ISSue), and now Simon & Schus. CARL

.. Thil falhion totem pole Ihowed up at the Igtest Dam Ruinort ROlf Chompognebolh IpClrtlng the Igtelt in Imyele mel,..nger chic.

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fal"mClnce by "Opllra at th.Academy;' the campony'l Director Eric Frcsad nlebratel with New York Academy of Art bOard member and natei:l pigeon trainer Andre Balan.

... M.-.zo-soprona Gloria Parker limultaneoully bringl a tenor arMt g borita... to their knHs as they beg for more Dam Ruinart In Italian. INa, th.y're not laying, "Yo, fill up my glalll, will you?")

1988lmpootedbySd,itflejin& Sornerse1 Co.. New\btl<. N_~

"WITTY-New & RAUNCHY!" York Times "ONE OF THE BRIGHTEST &most biting satirists around!" -Women's Wear Daily

"HILARIOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!" -Assodated Press

SANDRA BERNHARD

ret reports char Oir/oyal, the Bern.stein opus on his parents, who were promJne~t socialists in Washington in the 19505, WIll indeed be out this fall. SPY's SURVEY OF BIL.LY MARTIN'S FIGHT

history ("Billybrawl: The Boxing Career of Billy Marcin; by Ed Kiersh, May) was still on the newsstands when, [0. it required an addendum. As usual, Martin was the victim, minding his own business in an Arlington, Texas, copless bar, when he was set upon by two. three, possibly hundreds of yahoos. We're all proud that Martin stuck to the tcuth-the /rllth - for as long as he did, despite rather different testimony by everyone else present at me bar, where the recently married, newly srable and never-paranoid manager was unwinding in moderafirm arrer having been ejected from a game. It's shameful how far a Martinhating world will go just [Q hurt an inno路 cent man and make him look bad; and somehow, we feel, this is me way it will always be. Martin's updated fight record as spy goes to press: 9 wins, 2 losses. LINDA MONTANO-YOU REMEMBER, THE

performance artist who since 1984 has spent seven hours a day listeni ng to an oscillator and speaking wirh a false accent to anyone not in her immediate family (see 'The Seven-Year hch; by Bradley W Bloch, November 1987)-is still going strong, if intermittently, at The New Museum ofConremporary Art. Her next appearance will be in the fall, and the performance is still scheduled to end, as we had report~d, sometime in 1991. Hurry, hurry, hurry. ONE LAST \1VORD ABOUT RoBERT MAX-

well: in fairness, he seems to be an attentive boss. former British ambassador to the U.S. and current Maxwell chief ofscaff PeterJay was asked recently how he could stand to work for him. ~Well;'Jay replied, ~it's not bad ifyou don't mind being called 'fuckhead' three rimes a day:) CORRECT

o N

Lasr month's Times column misstated Sreve Rattner's former pOsition and address. Rattner wasJames Rnton's news clerk and the $3 million apartment Rattne; had been looking at was in a building several blocks south of rhe DakOta. 22 Sf'\' AUGUST 1988

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AUGUST 1988

DWARF BILLIONAIRE LwUNCl TISCH'S legion of enemies. appalled by the little man's firing sp~ at CBS Nem, may now fed that they were a trifle hasty in condemning the Tisches as a sinister family of awkward, budgn-crattd bean coumers. In faC[, the Tisches aaivtly and pmonal/y Jllpporl independen[ documentary filmmaking. Wimess their beneficence in giving Red Barn Studios, a Manhattan filmmaking concern, $22,000 [0 wri[e and produce a 23-minu[e documentary. Our newfound admiration ebbed nOt at all when we discovered tha[ the 6lm was a biography of JONATHAN TISCH, me dwarf billionaire's nephew. Nor were our spirits dampened when we learned tha[ the film - a parody of the horrid TV show A C"rrtnt Affair-was produced solely co enterrainJonathan and three dozen of his friends at his bachelor party (a party held a[ me Rrgency Ho[e1 to s[eel Jonathan for his merger with conglomera[eur SAUL STlIHIElG'S daughter Lwu., the self-described Bride of the Decade). Was it a teensy bi[ unseemly for Urrtnl Affair's MAURY POVICH [0 actually host the film? No. (Brownnosing for a job at CBS? No way-no[ Maury. Why on earth would he wam to work lbfft, when he aJ· ready has a job ar the prestigious Fox netWOrk?) In fact, our vision of a new generation of Medicis faded only when we heard mat Laura - at whose ~ding one desserr was sprinkled wim rtal tofJ dNJI-had haggled with the filmmakers over the price, complaining that mey were making a profi[.

II DOES THE FACT THAT SYLVESTEl SULLOHI is paid '20 million per movi~ mean thar there is no God? Or are 'Ilr'e overrea([ing? Maybe you think that Stallone, as we used to think, merely portrays a kind of mutant brure_ But no: he is, SPY has learned, far more horrid man his screen or PR personas. Ar. a re-cen[ party a[ Le Club for LORNA Lurr, S[allone's companion was Elite model Dena Goodmanson, a woman taller and considerably younger man [he srumpy, sullen star of Rambo 11/. How dlJ yoN sptll GoodmanJon?, a reporrer wan[ed to know. ~It's spelled

S. STALLONE

R.INNIS

S_L_U:r,W Stallone replied. Ge[ i[? Gel it? No? ·She's my whore; Sr:alIone added. But he's no[ JUSt -a scumbag: he "ally is srupid too. A[ another recent celebra[ion in honor of anomer well-connected quasi-ce1ebrity (B....NCA JAGGlR'S binhday party), a friend of the star Starred to pin a ~[-Moynihan-for· Senate campaign button ontO S[allone. "Monahan?" the symbol of American patrio[ism grunted. "Monahall? Who's tha[?"

III Roy INHIS, THE EMBARllASSINGU' loopy head of the Utterly irrelevan[ Congress ofRaciaJ Equality (CORE) who has embraced Nazoid geck BElNII Gonz, is also a boulevarding baked-goods abuser. One nigJu recently, in a state of preternarural relaxation, he and a woman companion swaggered into the swanky Upper West Side restauranr Brazil 2000, apparently not so much [0 ea[ as to bera[e the help. "I ear IDO 1IJ1I(h bnaJ!W Innis, unsmiling, shouted a[ a waiter. ·When you see me coming, hide me bread. Hide 1M mad. Because if you put the bread in fron[ of me, fm going co eal it:' 1111 TIME MAGA.Z1NE DEFECJOR and writer Roo.. RostK. IUTT is nOt scheduled to start work for new beSt friend MORT ZUCIllRMAN'S U.S. NewJ & World Report until Seprember, but he has reportedly ~n drawinghis '8,000 weekly salary-~ $8,000," wttkever since he signed his peculiar, secret, five-year personal·service cOntract with Zuckerman last spring. Already, mough, hiring Rosenblatt has coS[ Zuckerman more man JUSt the '8,000 a week: when Antichrist and fin de siec1e comeback guy RICNARO HIXON learned that U.S. Newl had hired Rosenblatt (whO$(: final, S4,OOO-a-'\lr'eek Story for Time was a fine, vicious profile of Nixon), me former president refused Zuckerman's request for an interview-and, just for the re<:ord, issued a blanket refusal to cooperate with any news organization where the '8,OOO-a-week writer worked.

•

,f","oon m

I~,~REW

April, brokers on the floor of the New York Srock Exchange were shocked to learn that Ronald Reagan had died. Panic selling resuIted: the Dow dropped nearly 50 points before the rumor was disproved. Inrrigued by Reagan's awesome power, spy's BENj.\MIN SVETKEY asked fouf

stock market experts to predict how the Stock Exchange would react to the deaths of other notables. The results suggest thac Rudolph Giuliani might be weU advised to cake out life

,,,r 'a-

insurance against trigger-

happy speculacors faced with a margin call.

THE MOMENT OF SILENCE-SELL!

AVERAGE PREDlcrED REACTION

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PRIVATE LIVES OF PUBliC ENEMIES

:he )0, :lp. 'x a

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THE LIZ SMITH TOlE BOARO

Other gossip columnists

fM't

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Sylvester Stallone

Madonna

last

Lila Minnelli Noncy Reagan

cOSt

Barbaro Wolters

Brooke Astor

~ek:

Michael Douglos

guy

Dominick Dunne

ired

Donald Trump Cher

fo'

Samuel Goldwyn Jr

tho

David Brown Russion Teo Room's "superbooth"

."". Leona Helmlley assists hllJband Harry with a leller to the fednal prosecutor. ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN

Geraldine Stutz La Cage au. foIles

um _i".

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A Monthly Taliy

"lest

;am-

J"h",iJs",~J fro'" Ih. Timcs /tit fro'" 42 I. 32. ThiJ d"P1Md 11" p",,' mi. sixth pl,,(1;~ toMl J"b",;"",~,, Isth;nd IhI Chicago T,ibunc (whilh h"d 39 sd",iJsiMJ Mils .W", 2;n land.", w;lh olhtr p"pm, ""d I win""), Ncwsday (38 J"hm;"i."" "0 u.·i"""J), The Philadelphia Inquirer (37 ""d I), Ihi Los Angelcs Timu (3~ ""d "0"') ""dThe Washington Pos< 03 ""d "0"'). Tyi~g tlu Timcs ;" 101,,1 JJlbmiJJ"'''J w"s The Dall.. M,,'ning Ncws, whi'h h"d 32 .n/.ill u.';lho,,1 ""y winn"" foil. WId by The B"51"n Globc 00 ,,~d """.) a~dThe Miami Hc",ld (29 ""d 2), Th. Daily New' ,,,bmimd 22 "a",lS; Th. Wall SUN' }"urnal, 21; Th. Village V"ice, /6; llu New York POSt, 10; The E.., Hampton Slar. ~; llu Amsterdam News, IhI New York Native and IN Co· op City News. 2 "pi,"; a"d The BronxviUe Review Pre". Repone<, I. M." 41h1 Times~ ,,,I.'-tt WN'I ,,,h,,,ill'" hy F.ad,1 h;mulj 1M" palJ.n Ihi 6a,~ from Ih. WSI ""'.. • x",,"'" I• G"I1, Pm. KtN; dry_ .jfai., ro/u,,,iJ/ RohtrtJ, Sltph", E"gtlb..g, M....ay Ch~s, TV P.I"}. 80)'1"; «u"" ..pomrs WilfiI''''}. Broa" Gf.k~, llI.sh;"gl'" ..po.l" Ma,,""''' Dcu'd, SI"a.1 r.yl••J., J"'m,I.", cor"Jponlk", 'rho"'a' (u·h. won). u" S./~.""r '''''''Jpo"dt''lJ""m 1..o'A1.,,,., Philip T"..b",,,,,, 8ill Kif/... Lo""",, {(Jrrtspo"dm' F."",iJ X. Cli"". A"".1:'yl•• FI.mi~g, Mkha.1 Wit".ip, Ira Btr~w, A"~a 'Lift i" 'hi 3m" Q.. i""I,n,,,.,~ "ilkJ'" Pa ..lll, Ihlat" ";IK F••d Ruh. P"..l Hm/rtn,j."Loptt a"d IhI whok Sfalf allh, &c~ R'vi'w-"Iill, as il happ"'J, Ihal i~d..dtJ af/ h..I. /tw oflht ..ally fi". wrilm "llhI p"p.... Edilori.l.p"gt "'ilt1r ja'~ !?Dsmlhal p"l ..p ,di'''';al wrilm J.h" P. MarKiu;. ""d Nkholaf Walk, III u.,f/ as ,oI"m"iJ/ A"IM~y LnviJ ,."d if/"Itratqr H••<U;o Fidtl Girl"," E"lrill fro'" 'h, Daily Ncws ..

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AUGUST 1988 SPY 27

THE Spy TRIP TIP:

WHIT'S IN I NAME?

Grand Mottls

,". ""' ,.,,,, e""""w'. bKI"Jd EW H"#nr OJ. 0.""; Hi~(H'7 (2J, L<m·F.,i~ N,(H"

Elle" T""''''J~',

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eu t{ wbidJ "'.,'''.'-' Iht

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Ofhw l"ftt.w.n ,.I.MJ Lt,~ B,II G.It.."J P""I

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bKl"Jd TV "'"'" FrrJ IWhn-.,. CJiK ~ &,

R,t17 • .J ",61· ...,"1 rh,,-.s

Perhaps you're looking for a weeund getaway but

are hesitantto contribute $200 a nighttotlleQueen of tile PlIloce's legal d. fense eM to hoana's aU. the-dresses-she-ca...buy "'nd. We can recommend a couple of aut-of·town accommodations that, although not quite as extravagantly cheesy as what the Trumps and Helmsleys offer, are both cheaper and more holft.

H.....s. (The gift shop stocks on onoy of quaint handicrafts celebrating this and other suggestive local town names, such as Bird.in-Hond, Blue Boll, PlIrodise and ptow· ville.) Chllggo.chuggo sound eHects punctuate the dining coach's pipedin roilwoytunes; then, on cue, the "conductor" pushes a button, causing the entire coach to vibrate. Magic FingefS-

N....... PtJI»wr: • .J E,.,. B"I.JeI,

New$dayi '''''UJ I"t/"dd M,,"";" Ki,,,,.,,• ..,.. J..u 1'''' J.-J. UlMil hi.l#!f. The \Io6cr

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C. c.n; R..b.ni G.!Jm'•. ; '

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Phillipl, 'bl...."" ...d CEO of o-.!-Jbc...I•. 8«••" • .,.. (•• IIthoi, _~

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Willi"", GtIJl, ..'" of CBS, "'''' IIII.,.,d", hil """~ "I Ih, Times"" .... ... _tI Goort;t H, Uw;1, ...-60 it p. of GtiJl'I. S..",I G. FrmI_., " ~-.. (.f,.,J "'p.r"" ~ lhe Times, "'., ,,,",,illt'/" Ri(h,,"'; P. Kht. hit ,tll'IW,,1 H.,ptr cS- f(,w, C.,II. Ill."... u,., ... ..Ill. t{ The Philadrlpbia Inquino~ .... _"",uti hw_",ptr ••,/, lit Ih_ '''I'Pits''' •• tlrllt/. ,htl' 'tin ill The Vilbge Voice. .,." .,/",,..,,.", The 'l'boo''''' Sd..,J, Thn thnr ...... lilt ..,;", J"HrJilum ",hf Id. 1Itl, lhe ..... '/ipifJ htl j"d"",i"" M,,,,hr, .f Ihll ("It~'1 1"(I,,Je Paradd PR tlim",. u.lhw,," H••ltpp. tilhf llu ••, • ttli-.

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Iflt/,... A.Jtrr.. (Pand.,) -'1 l.hoiJs_J. ", •• .-..1 of hit I,i'lf Iht Swirl U.",.; "•• 28 SPY AUGUST 1988

The R«J Cahoose M0tel, in StTosburg, Pennsylvania, bills itself as "the only place in the world you can sleep in a coboos.... It's an Amtrak employee's dream: all the excitement and romance ofworking on therailroad without the annoying i... convenience of having to stoyolert. The 40 reno.-ated coboose units have a Woodoleurn-poneled, mobilehomey charm. Nonfune-tioning potbellied stoves house little coIorTVs, and Iow-hanging railroad 10... terns bop lanky dads on the head as inevitably as the Iiving-fOOm ottoman tripped up Did Van Dyke. In the"plush Victorian Dining Coach" you can dawn qwl'ltities of starchy Amish fore while flipping through the local Intercourse (Pennsylvania)

styl, spilling coHee and dining up ye:stercfoy's scrapple - charming!

passable cUIsIne. At the hotel's opening c _ monies an airplane did acrobatics and crashed. In subsequent yean the stnlctu.... renamed Noah's Art and bypassed by the turnpike, fell into disrepait Oneowner,Jock Loyo, was a man _ board: hetried to reirwent the inn a. a hong giidet'l mecca, no small feat considering the dicey All. gheny wind currents ond ubiquitous spiky pine fofests that threaten the high-flying sportsman with impalement. In 1987 two enh'epreneurs, Ron o-ty and Oristine Fo.d, moved into the ark ond vowed to scrope off the barnacles and tum it into

It MOlllh/y/Wtstrrh Bu/ktin till 1M U/tJl Finding! ill

Pryd»anagram%gy TAWANA BRAWLEY WE W.......T AlIANY

GEORGE H.W. BUSH HE lUGGERS WNO? GO HUG HEIUWS

MIKHAIL GORBACHEV OK-IIG HALV"'H CRIME

HO H.... GUI M"VER)CJ: HAl I!G EVIL CH"RM. OK?

LEONA M. HELMSLEY ON, SElL MY ENAMEl lUMElY. SIll. HOME

LAME MONEY SHEU

llONA HELMSLEY MY LEASE 0 ... HEll.

-ItndyAaron

o~luof

o recent visit, fi..... Spartan coblns _ O¥Oilobl-. and

THE

Spy

LIST

LanlAnd_n Seemo Boesky Oscar de la Renta John Duko Phyllis Gam

s.s.

Grand Yiew a ship-shaped inn atop a mountain _st of Bedford, rennsyt'f'Gnia, was a notionally celebrated ma,.,.1 when it opened, along the Li... coin High_y, in 1932• Such bon vivants as RloKIy Vallee. Greta Garbo and Tam Mix enli..... ned the first-class section (rooms were segregated in the manner of IlI'xury vessels); even les. swell toII'nsts ma..veIed otthe ponoftWftO ("See 3 states!") and The

H~,

seven more were on the

Kexia Keeble

way. Historic preservation con be tun! -Joci Borth

Grace Kelly

Red Coboase Motel and Rmouront, Highway 741, 10 miles soutltHst 01 Lancaster, Pennq/vania. Cabooses $46 to $66 pet night. IlfltNVOtions: {1l7) 687~.

s.s.

Gland View Hate/, Highway 30, 17 miles ....estol Bedlonl, PennJyl'I'Onia. Room. about $30 f'e' nig"'. ResetWJtian.: ("4) 733-2132.

JillieMack Bess Myerson Annette Reed Dione von Furstenberg Gloria von Thll'M II'nd Ta.is Johannes von Thum und Taxis Leonard Woolf

Xanthippe

, :Y

iEV .E OK 0",

LEY

EY L

Ian,"

'"'"

Good taste is always

DATEBOOK

TH' "H' •• 'HT eOHTlHU'"

USA Today ttii/Q. Joh~ C. Q"iu, whD ",t~f'tI' hi, bfts" G..""m ch..irm .." "'11", N."h..rlh, i" two C..lIgqritS ft' ·B"sCapath: hi".mi"..I, ~._. to.1K.ftrgoll'" "CNl,,~1 oj .. h"s M",.j tM '0 1,.. /tJ· E"di~g .. ,ho,I.li",d t,..d;tio~, Eli. Wiml did ,,# ~.mi~..t. Ah. Ro,,,,th..I's col"mn Ihis Y'''', ..nd n.ith... did """", tI,•.

WHO'S NEWLY WHO. WHO'S 1'40 LOHGEI WHO, VOWME VUl (V.W-X-Y·l) We're sick of the srandard inrroduction (0 this segment. We're sick of deve. voriuions on ,he standard inrroduction. In r.CI, we're lick orthe segment. Bu, completeness has in obligations. Who's Newly Who &bby V..I."ti"., m..n..gt', y,,,.., f?p"gt,s;jo ..n V.." A,~, ..g.lm bkllfd Joyt",.. 0/ KnO" Landing; Kifei V.."d...uJtigbt (sic), ,,:hil' p"t/mio"..1 h..,~.lbJl/ pl..y"; Eddi. V..n H..f.", g..p.llHlthtti, g"it...... pl..ying h",h..nd ojV..lm' Bwi".lfi; Rich..rd Vig""'''' ",,,,,",..ti,,, j",,~.m ..;{ ~i"g; VII/..di"i, ,,,Jdmly "hiqllitolls f..,hi." "',ig".'; Mlm, S,g."rn.y (""'" Sit,..,,) W..."', (sit); ,,,p",,,..rfe.1 dUli" .",,"11'" I,.. W..lJhallm; N.w Yo,k poli" cbi.f B",j..mi" W..rd, ,u!"ibtJ "... as a 'prolltli", /tN'iw .ffici..l'; Michatl W..,.".", Hill Sueet', &bby Hil/;j""1II H. Wtb!j~, hoI· /tmpt"d ft'",.. Stc"I..,y of Ibt N.. ~y: B'"'' W.il%, Hill Streets &l~ ...; Randy Whit., 0",,·1;'" hill D..ll.., (Jwbfty; <di/Q,;..li,1 RtJK" Wilkin,; T....I Willi..m" on' oj 1m mll"y S/.", .fSllvtn Spi.lbtrt's 1941; m..ga.int .ditor Ca"y Wi"frty; m.P'!, ..ct'" jamts W..,Js; ChlJc~ Ytllgt'; Otko bal/try piteh",..".

""",i",,,.

._"nd

Who's No Longer Who Ni".. V.." Pal/a"dt, Clifford I",i"g', i"..",.,al..; Bill Vi,do", /itrm.. Ya"k.. m.."aK". tady St.i"hrt",," di,,,,is,",' EfI", Willi., It",,,l. fo",." ..liJl; C.. rI Wils.", Btarh Boy ($'i,I"..1 crtli" B,i.." WiI,.~ rtmai"s i" lin boo"'; W..r".. W.lf, t.."y",""y, w,y ,ieh ,portsc..,t...; Ch,isl.ph., W"n, Times 30 Sl'Y AUGUST 1988

really-of reptile and mammal fossils from China, opens ar the Ametican Museum of Narutal Histoty. Participating dinosaur }Jlly fossils include the The nation"s first lovely and talented known tequila hotlineDatousaurus, the Tequila News and LufengosaJlrus and Information Setvice, at Priltacosaurus, as well as 214·S69-4000-gets the fabulous and unique off to a lively stare crested pterosaur, when a New YotkDzungaripttrJlS. With based satirical special appeatances magazine irresponsibly by tiny, versatile publishes its mediaSinoronodon and a only phone numbet, primitive rhinoceros But, really, save your that needs no 14 Victor Borge settles dimes: a few aspirin, inttoduction,}uxia, into Carnegie Hall for plenty of water, 30 Robert Bonfiglio, pethaps a raw egg with at least seven the "Segovia of the perfotmances of Wotcestershite sauce classical harmonica~ Comedy in Music. and a good night's rest does his sruff with a 18-21 Democratic is the information string quartet behind Convemion; Omni you'te probably after. him at the South SHeet Coliseum, Atlanta. 2-3 American Ctafts Seaport Museum's Michael Dukabs's Festival; Lincoln Summecpier series; merronomelike speech, Cemet. Crafts ftJlival6:30 p.m.; free. Wise an oxymoron, given the complete with lots of guys will please keep hand gestures, is an numbing, inherem requests fot ~Room to inspiration to the dreaciness of most of Move; ~Got My Mojo Republicans. what passes for crafts. 21 A rock 'n' roll nadit What can you say of SOrtS was reached about a city whose police force is happy ro when Jim Croce's ~Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" hit crack down on drug number one on this dealets and thieves but date in 1973. h was when faced with booth bumped by Maureen after endless booth of "1lle McGovern's candles, glazed wood Afret" (theme Morning carvings and ugly from The Poseid<Jn gewgaws of ceramic Adventure). A long, and glass just looks the othet way? Vendors and hot summer. 21-24 The WarchTowet vendees-some, to be fait, neithet wearing nor Bible and Tract Society convenes at Yankee shopping fot sandalsStadium, as the will reassemble next Yankees take on the weekend. Royals. In Kansas City. 4 Independence Day. 22 ~From the Land of 11 The relentlesslyDragons~ an promoted·in-Theexhibition - a cekbration, New-Wsrk-Times First

Enchanting and Alarming Ewnts Upcoming

New Yotk Inrernational Festival of the ArtS comes to a halt once Placido Domingo, who has spem the evening on the Great Lawn tattling windows along Fifth Avenue and Cemral Park West with his arias and zatzuelas, does.

Wotkin'" and "Oh! Susannah" to themselves,

AlIgJlJt 15-18 Republican Convention; Supctdome. New Orleans. George Bush's shriH speech, full of unseemly swagger, is an inspitation to the Democtats. 27 NASA rums 30, sore of (funding approved this day, 1958). Candles on cake explode. 28 Thousands of cap dancers assemble on West 34th Streec to learn a cap routine and then perform it, thereby breaking some sore of world record. Macy's tenth annual Tap-O-Mania is, of COUtSe. typical of the many wonderful summer activities New York has to offet, and our idea of a petfect Sunday. )

. .. . . .. . . . .. .

"Bul WHAI CAN WE Do 10 THE f) M/lAGNO BEANFlElO WAR?" THI "HI

•• 'HT COHTlHUIO

wr;,.r; Frank Zttppa, ''''arr, a"'''J;ng, "nHutnab/, "'''J,dan. CELEBRITY STAT:

GEORGE STEINBRENNER'S COACHING CAREER By the tim.. you r..ad this, around th.. AII·Star bruk, iis entirdy possibl.. ,ha, Georg.. S,einbrenner will hav.. fired and ,ehired Billy Martin, mayb.. "v"n mOr" lhan onc... (Obviously, if fOu',e 'eading ,his in some "rehive in ,he di...nt future, ifs likely Sleinbrennu will have by Ihen fired and rehired Mortin Ihousands of times.) It's all pa" of S.e,nb",nners philosophy of responsibility, which holds ,hal failure in a 'Um game can he isoIaled 10 one 0' IwO indi... iduals. George Sleinb",nne, was an assi..anl fool ball coach at Nonhwe"e", University in 19~~ and a. Pu,due for part of 19% and 19~7. No doub, ,hese "",re )":ars du,ing which Sleinb",nner learned moSI of what he knows aboul class, e~cellenc .., leadership and winning. And if it seems a sl..,reh '0 credi, an assi.,ant coach for a .eam'. fortun..s, i. is, when you think aboul iI, really nO rno,e unfair Ihan conrinuously and capriciously banishing pla)":r. 10 the minors, or saying ,hal a fOung pireher -.pi. Ihe bil; Or demuning good players in public, Or beraring a Ihird· base coach for a misjudgmen" or changing pitChing coa.he. and even mlnagers more frequently .han .ome people clean .heir comactlens.... After aU, N.w Y<>rk w;fllWt to/trait a {o"..

y_. y--

Woo

North· 0 weSICrn 19~6 Purdue J 19H Purdue 19~~

. .. ,

Totol

rood

4 4

2 0

Sleinbrenner', lifetime winning percenroge;s .3~ I, The lea•• successful (singl.. ) manager e..... r employed by Sreinbrenner _ Ralph HOlik in 1973-fini.hed iust under .~OO. (In 1982 Bob Lemon. Gene Michael and Clyde King finished ar ,488.) 32 SI'Y IIUGUST 1988

Ltast Hollywood's X-rared film industry in many ways mirrors West Hollywood's R-rated film industry: it has its own Variety (Adull W!ko News), its own Meryl Streep (Jamie Summers) and its own Oscars (the "Heart-On Awardn. All it lacks is Hollywood's range of plots. (Though there is something tOuching about the classic boy-meers-girl, boy-and·girl-do·it, maid-wanders-in, gi r1-a1so-does-it-with-maid routine.) Butthis failing is redeemed by porn movies' appealing titles; there's a real art to taking a movie or television-show tide (say, Woody Allen's Ham/ph pnd Her Sisters) and with one deft stroke turnjng it into something lewdly implausible (HPlmah OM Her Sister!). Some of the actual rephrasings: West Hollywood Titte

Eost Hollywood Title

Wali Strut

Bali Street

Flashdance

Flp!hpants- up a Feeling

Term! of Endearment

Term! of Endowment

General Ho!pitaJ

Genital Ho!pilal

Little Shop of Horrors

Little Shop

The /Wad Warrior

The Load Warrior

Pllmping Iron

Pumping Irene

of Whoro

Ram!xmt

TNE NEW YORK OBSERYEN IN A NUTSHELL

Wupp", ,h"

,h,

,;ogub,

i, i, Ob",-"", brand of sleeves-rolled·up newspapering that has caused both New York's older v,"Ceklies and its brash newcomers to join in what has becomedare we say it?-a good old-fashioned newspaper war. The World, the New York Ettening Telegram, the Herald and the New York Tribune were fine in their day, But these times demand the deadline urgency, the spunk and the stylish writing of The \flest Side Spirit, TV Shopper, 7 Days, Our Town and New lork Pms. Settle back to watch the spectacle of the city'S twO great press lords, the Observer's John Sicher and 7 Dayis Adam Moss, do battle in the curthroat, Front Page style not seen since the glory days ofJoseph Pulitzer and William Randolph Hearst.

The opening wiley - - - FOR THE 17TH TIME IN 26 WEEKS,

THE NEW YORK OBSERYER PUBLISHED ITS "NEIGHBORHOODS OF MANHATTAN" MAP (7 Dals, April 6, \988)

----The bloody cOlJnteralltUk---ART CRITIC FOR '7 DAYS" DISHES OUT BOGUS THINKING TO YUPPIE READERS (Hilron Kramer, The N.w York ObseNllr, April 11, 1988)

---The bailIe gets bloodier still---

Caddythack

Caddy Shack Up

Chem

RFPrs

The Terminator

The Sperminator

Back to the Future

Backside to the Future

Gum Who) uming to Dinner

Gum Who Came at Dinner

On Goltkn Pond

On Golden Blonde

Top Gun

Top

Ollt of Africa

In and Out of Africa

Outrageous Fortune

Outrageou! ('Ore-play

Blazing Saddles

Blazing MaftrtJseJ

Beverly Hill! Gip

Beverly Hills UX

The Witches of Enstwick

The Bitches of Westwood

unan the Barbarian

Gonad the Barbarian

ET.: The Extra-Terrestrial

ET: The Extra Testicle

Right-wing Obsen'ft' columnist Richard Broo.hiser dishes out article "Can't Buy a Thrill" to yuppie readers in 7 Days (April 20, 1988)

A~mm~d~amw~~~~mma~

-dangerollSly close

the Observer tone:-

OTB IS THE PHONE SEX OF RACING. IT CAN BE A LOT OF FUN, AND A GREAT RELEASE (New lork Press, April 20, 1988)

- - Vital statistics -the Observer graph-

BUn!

- Charln Cross

"In 1987, 109.6 million vehicles entered the city using the Lincoln and Holland tunnels and ttle George Washington, Goethals, Bayonlle and Outerbridge Crossing bridges. The number in 1986 was 110,1:' (April 25, 1988)

- - - Finafly: a happyending'--CITY'S NEWS VENDORS WELCOME COURT'S RUUNG (Th<' N.w l&>-k Oburvtr, April 4, 1988)

- Rachti Urquhart

Here's howyou canlook withahealthytan.

" " ,., ,.

",. " " "

"0< ,d

, ty

•

No kidding. The sun is the primary cause of skin cancer and 5,800 Americans will die of this disease this year alone. O.K., the total U.S. populatioo is over 241 million. So odds are it won't be your funeral. Meantime, ovec half a million more Americans this year will get the news that they have some stage of skin cancer. But most are curable if spotted early, treated and removed. Anyway, the odds are still in your favor. It takes ten, twenty or more Years to develop skin cancer. You may, however t develop prematurely aged and wrinkled skin after years of sunning. So you can keep going for that tan

or take a look at this statistic. At the

rate we're developing skin cancer, soon one out of seven Americans will be aflected by it. Maybe we should stop ODing on the sun. Cover up, wear a hat and use an effective sunscreen. Like Skin Cancer Garde·. The ultra protection sunblock with an SPF of 33. Its palented formula reDects and absorbs 96 percent of the sun's burning UYB rays. It's fragrance-free and water-resistant, too. Recommended for year 'round sun protection by The Skin Cancer Foundation and available at pharmacies. So check it out Because there are worse things than Dot having a tan.

SKIN

CANCER GARDE" ULTRA PROTECTION SUNBLOCK

-,C\

l~,,",··~·;"~~:·';;·;;··:··;J

~ 1988

fd,pw I.oboruIones. Inc.

Remember: Liberal arid regular use of a sunscreen over Ike years mcy help red\Jce Ike chance of premaTure skin

ogiog and skin cancer.

l/;,~h

MIt I

...

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR OF THE NEW YORKER

SEPARATED II BIRTH?

periwlically publishel Lellers to the Editor of The New Yorker becaule The New Yorker diJeJn't. StiJi. Addrns rorrespcndence to "Dear Bob," c/o SPy, The Puck Building, 295 Lafayette Street, New York, NY 10012.

spy TMI "MI "'M' eOMIIMUU

HEALTH UPDATE: THE AWFUL TRUTH AIOUT

SO"IAU The Amueur Softball Association of Americ. estiml<es lI,.t 32 million people annuilly participate in softbalileagucs in appto~iml<ely 23 million games_ Given .hese numbcf'S. ios problble the NI.ion.1 Electronic Injury Surveillance Sys.em of the Consume. ProduCl Safe.y Commission's figu.e of 348,)40 baseball injuries last year (most softball.rel."d) is low, Bu. rhe evidence" ,rrefulable: softball injuries lire epidemic It 's high .ime we recogniU'd .h•• th,s so-called Sp<)fl is one of the lcading cripplers of adub in Americ •. Base-sliding is resp<)n,ible for n to 7J percent of injuries occurring during play (the disp.rity bc<ween these figutCS is a srrong .rgument for massive feder.1 funding for fu"her study of this ongoing n.tion.1 tragedy). One 5ludy in Michigan sho..... a stationary·base·sliding rate of 7.2 injuries pcr 100 g.mes and .n aver.ge cos' of ca" pe' injury of $1,223. ProjeCled OUl, this study e"imates L7 million sliding injuries per year, at a COSt of $2 billion. Who is paying for .his clre? Health insur.nce p<)licies. Who pays for mos. healtlt insun.nce p<)licies? Businesses, IS pi" of I workers' bcnefi.s package. What doc. high workers' compensotion cause? American jobs to go overseas. What happens' when jobs go overseas? Angry Democn..s push Je<seJlckson ontO the ticket. Wlt.t happens then? Bush wins. Call I halt '0 this senseless tragedy nowbefore it's tOO l."e,

DEAR BOB,

Why is your magazine so dull? Back in the good old days when Harold Ross was editing it and Thurber and White and people like that were writ· ing for it, The New Wrrker was clever, witty and irreverem. A while ago when I let my subscription lapse. I remember that you folks were bent on con· vincing your readership that nuclear war would be very, very bad. I happened already to know this and so didn't bother renewing. Is there money in being stuffy and dull, or what? Matthew Dixon Cowles St. Louis Park, Minnesota and Bianca Jagger?

The New Yorker~ net ad rel/eRUe for 1987 was $50,913,239. How much tbJ you make, My. Cowles? DEAR BOB,

At last, someone (SPY) who will print my SpOt illustrations for The New Yorker. Tuli Kupferberg New York

Geralda Rivera ...

.. " " " " "

and farmer pam star Harry Reems?

Wrong, Mr. KNpferberg. The nine drawings you'l/t en· dOled, which you say were rejected by The New Yorker, are lomehow too New Yorkerish for Ul. Sorry. ) ,."

DtP"'I"""t, lhut wttY fil't ""11 i" 1987, ".". D" IVUJ"''''I, when

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.ight ,lith ""]1 ill 1986. ) 34 SI'Y AUGUST 1988

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CRIME REPORT: HOMICIDE· FREE DAYS

i" Ntw Y.. City: M.. rfh 16, M..rfh 19,jlil1 I, OfIIJbtr 1 """ DtWI/IHr 16. Th"., wm

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GUILT BY ASSOCIATION pm-

fessional associations in and around Wash· ington, D.C. Most employ lobbyists whose job it is ro reassure Congress and the public that whatever people are saying about them is wrong, jUst plain wrong. TOM McNICHOL called a few of these helpful folks to find our the real uuth. Smoking and Cancer: !here's no proven relationship becv.-een the cwo," Walker Merryman of the Tobacco Institute ([202l 457..4800) says breezily. Ihere's a physicist over at EPA who, on his own time, did some number-crunching and (arne up with some figures he has bandied about, claiming that 5,000 nonsmokers a year die of lung cancer due to exposure to cigarette

Sugo,:"All things are good in mode,acion; says Ann Bouchoux of the Sugar Association ({202l 78:5·1122). 'Too much broccoli is bad for you.:" Bouchow: adds dm the belief in a link between sugar and hyperactivity is unfounded. "If sugar does anything at all," Bouchoux says, "it releases a chemical in the brain that has a calming effect.:" Soft: lbe myth is that salt is bad for everyone; says Richard Hanneman of che Salt Institute ({202l 549-4648), "It's true that for a small portion -we estimate between 6 and 10 percent ofthe adult populationsa.1r ~striction can be beneficial. But for the other 90-plus percent, it's irrelevant.:"

BLURB-O-MAT CapsMle M.ovie &views hy Eric KaplaRS, the M.ovie PMblicist's Friend

official EPA study, when in fact it wasn't,"

Junk Food: -First of all, it's not junk food; Steve Eu~ of the Snack Food Association ({7031 836-4:500) says. ·We rep~senc potato chips, popcorn, prttzels and nut products, nOt the confectionery and bakery end of it. Some people like to call them salted snacks. But that's a myth, because salted snacks deri~ the name because they t4Jle salty. That comes from sur&ce salt. In fact, a slice of bread or a slice ofcheese has jusc as much salt as a handful of potato chips.~

Polyester: "The~'s a myth that polyester's nat stylish; admits Fisher Rhymes of the Man-Made Fiber Producers Association ({2021 296·6508). "Yet it's one of the tOp fibers used by American fashion designers. You hear people say, 'J don't Vt-ear anything except natural fibers'-fiber snobs, ~ call chern. Buc ic's in about 80 percent of all the clothes sold in America. Mosc people don'c even know chat.~ }6 Sf'T AUGUST 1988

As,ociation,: "One of the images we try ~ry hard to dispel is that associations are Strictly lobbying groups; says Eric]ohn50n of the American Society of Association Executives ({202l 626·2723). 'That's really not true. Associations playa very impor. tant role in educating the public and devel· oping new knowled~ It would be hard to say that the~ are tOO many associations.:" •

...................................................................................................

smoke. But the numbers ha~ been criticized by EPA officials. This kIlow hu, from time to rime. ttied to hint that this was an Gun,: 'lI. lot of ~ple think thac you're mo~ likely to kill a loved one with a gun than to prOten yourself,~ notes Jim Goss of the National Rifle Association ([202] 828-6000). 'Thac's a myth, The reality is thac you'~ mo~ likely to use your gun to dri~ off a criminal than you a~ to misuse ic and commic a tragedy.~

Beet": -Lighc beers are less fattening than a heck of a lot of produces out there," says Don Shea of the Beer Institute ([2021 7372337). -we're Wking abouc moderate drinking, now. We're noc calking about putting away a couple of six-packs.:"

LICENSE TO DRIVE, starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman (20th Century Fox) Eric Kapla" Jays, "Drive, don't wol., to see this one!" RED HEAT, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.Jim Belushi (Tri-Star) E,-;r Kaplan says, "One of the best fUms of this

any yeorl"

FRIGHT NIGHT II, starring Roddy McDowall, William ~gsdale (New Cemury) Erir Kaplan sa,s, "Bing, bong, bong - boffo!" CADDYSHACK II, starring Chevy Chase, Jackie Mason (Warner Bros.) Eric Kaplan Jays, "Busted my laugh meterl" CHIEF bell, scarring Zack Norman, Allen Garfield (lFM) E,ic Kaplan says, "Sure to be on "'J' Oseo, list!" •

TEN YEARS AGO IN ,

Spy

Dulr.akis doesn't .now it yet, but he', going to lose ttle primary in September. He', monaged to alienate both

the party hocb ond ttle lefty liberals. The nominarion will drop into the lop of thot sleaIJ Neanderthal Ed King, But he'll be boc•. He'll be olde, and wise, next ~m.. and he'll be goye,no, again. If he ploys his cards right,

With"

he could nen end up decode hom now the momentum (0' inertio) to win nationol office. -from "Heading foto a Fall;' by Dovld Owen, SPY, July/August 1978

Prepare

submerge. Like a Montblanc pen, or an automobile by Jaguar, a Tag Heuer diving watch has legendary status. Swiss craftsmen began hand-building Tag Heuer timepieces in 1860. Today, the rugged case and bracelet of this watch are machined ofsolid stainless steel, then sandblasted for a scratch-proof finish. The Swiss quartz movement is as reliable at the office as it is 660 feet below sea level.

CHIIN OF FOOLS

f" b"k " I "n "m,mb" 1 h,vo p,,'ndoc,U, "",vod a curious chain Jettet Not me currently fashionable "Airplanepyramid-scheme kind, which tempts with great wealth chose who are willing to scam friends into handing over their savings accounrs, but rather a more traditional one, a form letter with vague promises of good luck and not-so-veiled rhrears of doom to those who ignore the letter. I can't accoum for why these letters have been sent to me so persistently, but I recall getting my first one way back during the Johnson administration. In the beginning 1 prompcly mrew them out, but eventually curiosity prevailed.

H •• ~'t

-••

..-on _ •

Each letter I get is composed mostly of case histories and

ilJ

hI/man hoJl?

In September 1984, when I received anodler of these solicitations, I began keeping a file of them. As eight more leners arrived over the nexr four years, I added to the file. How well would dley hold up after being repeatedly transcribed and photocopied (0 death? Does dle message change, as in a game of telephone? The results of this effort are summarized in the following chart.

•, ~.

--.-, on

testimonials - scories of people to whom it has brought good forrune and of those who ignored it at their peril. No money is involved, and no list of names is included. Ie is an anonymous goodluck charm, arriving generally without even a recurn address. The recipient of the lener is simply instructed co copy it and mail it co 20 friends, who in cum are instructed to do the same. Very soon, the rext becomes illegible and must be retyped and recopied. I wanted to know how dle lener could possibly survive all dlese years intact. Was it self-propagating, like a virus dlat enters a cell, subjugates it and commands it ro reproduce more viruses?

What did IhiJ leller want from

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AND MAKe: MAGIC

tM. l*pitt ll..Il bun .. nt to yow lOt gOO<! 1wek. n. Otlllin" copy •• In ..... Dllllln". It lIu be'n til. ""t1" t H •••• !Il. h.ck h•• nO" bun unt to yow. lOW "Ill uealn ooc4 lOR) .. hllin , ".,. or uc-hlnll thh latter pro.. I"" yow ••"" 11 hcll DIlL tlill It MI .lOll. lOW tec.t ... It In the . . 11.

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iei'd copl.' to people )'OIl til In) nn" IlDOd luc). DofI't a.n" y, .. 'U. II•• no prlea. Co not knp till. l.u.r. It .... t h ,...... hln". . .I thin U fIOWII. M 11.1\,,'. oHlear uca' " no,OOo. "". ll110t uc.tvd 140,000 .n" loU it '""' aroll.a elMo clleln. IIhUa In til. 11111l1pln•• , Gina "'lell lolt 1111 .. 1£• • .U., r • .,.lvlllO tllh l.tt.r. III £an", 10 ci«"hU til• • u.n 1I0... nr, baron lMo.. ".UII. all. 11." lIOn no.ooo In • 10tt.I")" ",a _ V .... ll1nat.nld to 11100 4 "ay• • n.r 1Ia to . d t Ollt tlli. httn.

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Co non 1111 fo\10.. ln9' Conn.nlln. DI .....c.t"", the ellaln In 19S). H k.d IIh ..crullY to •• h 2D COp I•• Ind ..n<l t"" O"t. 11 r ".y. hllr, h. . .on a lott.ry of tllO • i l l ton dOU .... Ar I. D."<llt ••n ot fico •• ploy", tlc.I".d til. l.tt • • • nd lorgot It ho" to 1••". lI\a h.nd. vltllin t6 11011.... Ho 10lt hi. job. \..I •••• ofllr rtndl"9 thl IItllr again. ho •• I1.<lOIIt 20 copl,n. A h .. d.y. latae, III qot • bitt•• loll. Gliln hlld the t.UIt, .nd. not o.11."lnq It, til..... 11 y. Illn. doy. ht... , ho <l1.d.

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-Andy Aaron 38 Sl'Y AUGUST 1988

REEBOKS LET U.B.U.

KIDS TAlK TO REDDY KILOWIIT ABOUT ELECTRICITY Mark O'Donneli AnswtTS QueJtions Kids Mighr Ask During Rrddy's Tour ()f American Elemenrary Schools Q: Why are your arms aU crooked? A: Thry're bqlrs ofenergy.

Q: Do you have a penis? A: No. Q: So, are you from

outer space or what? A: N(), I'm jusl a drawing. Q: Can I get a suit like yours? A: 1'0u wouldn't be skinny f)r zigzaggy enough.

Q: Is it satisfying to flow through the body of a condemned killer? A: N(), I'm emoriMIm. 1 strike innocent fornr rangers roo. Q: What happens if you touch water? Do you die? A: Elecrricity cannot conceive ofits ()wn cmation.

Q: I don't think you're near. I think you're qucer.

A: That's n()t a questi()n.

Hershey, PA Rochester, NY Boston, MA Tampa, FL St. Petersburg, FL Miami, FL

New Haven,

1f"Se, a IJIOn•

....IliChcatch. C"lI'8t Of lvro

close up

August 22, 1988 August 29, 1988 September 5, 1988 September 26, 1988 October 3, 1988 October October October October

10, 17, 24, 31,

1988 1988 1988 1988

ARTHUR HAILEY'S CON .. ,.". M S VENTlONI .

November 28, 1988 December 5, 1988 January 16, 1989 January 30, 1989 March 6, 1989 t

"One connot read this book without the totol obsorption that comes from recognition of the truth."

I• <

November 7, 1988 November 14, 1988

''This is the best novel that Miss Gol'Climer has ever written." -Alan Paton on Nodine Gordimer's July's People

a»

Power, sex and mon

Concert Hall Jubilee Theatre Jubilee Theatre Midland Theatre Hamilton Place Theatre Cultural Center EaStman Center Wang Center Performing Arts Center Bayfront Center Jackie Gleason Theatre of Performing Arts Bob Carr Performing Arts Center Shubert Performing Arts Center Orpheum Theatre Fisher Theatre Playhouse

LOGROLLING IN OUR TIME

PlrJposed Movie 01 the Month 8 PM

't Real y

Minneapolis, MN Detroit, MI Wilmington, DE

aves into a

; 1964)

Winnipeg, MAN Calgary, ALTA Edmonton, ALTA Kansas City, MO Hamilton, aNT

your gloves are all made of electricity? A: Believe it or nM, kid, so are yours. t

l.S Family" 'h/ighls lhis relocale in

A Sptcial SPY Entertainment StT1I;Ct Fearure

Vhe bad news: he's bypassing New York again. The good news: we've been lucky enough to get his itinerary so that you can start planning to spend more man six happy months following him around and going to ali the shows. He and him refer, of course, to Robert Goulet, who will be performing in South Pacific (as the Eurasian-breeder Emile de Becque) before adoring crowds from Winnipeg to Wilmington. Armies of Goulet Heads will surely be on board, leaving families and jobs behind. So don't get shut out- get your tickets n()w.

Orlando, FL

lOCking,"

eciale/_ fans. Re.

Q: Does it mean your nose and your stomach and

UNoI

ONE HUNDRED TwENIY-FOUR ENCHANTED EVENINGS (INO, OF COURSE, MATINEES)

-Gol'Climer on Paton's AIt, But Your LDnd Is Beoutiful

"Vidal's development is crowned with great success .... " -Itolo Calvina on Gore Vidal's Myron "Calvina hos odvonced feu beyond his Amerit;on and English contemporaries." -Vidal on Calvina's Marcayoldo .................................. "A tour de force .... A treot for Erica Jong's legion of readers." _ D. M. Thomas on Erica Jang's Serenissima "Summit will delight and amuse even Thomas's most devoted readers. I am one." - Jong on Thomas's Summit

- Howard Kaplon

FOR

, .

, "

'---_-.J_

No aqu",,,, comury .go John F. I«nneely took up a relatively obscure EiRnh~r program. th~ Prnident's Council on Physical Fitness and Spons, a"hd made it into a national mania. Kennedy be· Ji~d that if flabby eleven-ytar-olds did long jumps and tubby executi~s such as Pierre Salinger went on twO-mile hikes, all Americans would soon resemble Mercury astronauts and would spend their free time playing touch football and containing communism. Nothing about me New Frontier has survived as weU as the exercise principl~ and most Americans now actuaUy believe eurcise is beneficial. Here ace some who might disagrtt. celebrities whose silence could be interpreted as eloquent dissent. ... JAMIS F. fIXX, the Aposde of Running, dropped dead (rom a massive heart attack while jogging along a Vermont roadside in 1984; he was 52. Fin: died alon~ "''eating only shorts and running shoes. In 1987, 44-year-old ROH ROGIRSOH, Princeton University's football coach, died after suffering a heart attack while jogging in New Hampshire; in 1982, 41-~ar·old D....VIO BLUI, the modestly talented songwriter and Dylan hanger-on, had a fatal heart a(tack while jogging around Washington Square Park; in 1978 Congressman GOOOLOW BYRON, a four-term nonentity, dropped dead at 49 while jogging near HagerstOwn, Maryland. Any kind of exercise can kill. In June the retrograde chairman ofthe U.S. Civil Rights Commission, Clarence Pendleton, 57, col· lap~d while riding a stationary bicycle at a health club in San Diego and died. • For a rather sedentary sport, golf is sur"",=no prisingly lethal. BIHG CIOSIY died at 73 after playing a round of golf at La Moraleja, a club outside Madrid, in 1977. Crosby carded an 85, which, reduced by his hand· icap, gave him a one-stroke victory ~r his companions tha( he treasured fot about rwo minutes. Other golf victims include 5","IH loYD (the stony-faced supporting actor in &n HII1' and Tht OJ(a1'), who died at 48 while playing in Los Angeles in 1977, and Congressman JAMES HOW.... RD of New Jersey, an •• $I'T

AUGUST 1988

PAIN,

No GAIN

eleven-term representative who was tne father of the 55-mik-per·hour s~ limit. Howard, 60, keeled ~r while playing in Maryland earlier this ~ac ."PIsroL Pt1T'M.......VICH, the leading scorer in majot college basketball history and formet NBA Star, dropped dead in a pickup basketball game in Pasadena this ~ar. He was 40. In recent ~ars he had claimed to have found God. In February 1976 OwIN BlowH, who had been a starter for the University of Mary. land Terrapins the previous season, died during a pickup game with fellow srudents at the XL-rox Training Center near Leesburg, Virginia. JUSt rwo months later CHUS P....l : TOM, a highly touted ~cond-~at pla~r for Maryland, died in a pickup game with guys from his dorm. (If you're going to play basketball, play in an accredited leagu~ Pickup games can kill.) • Other team sports have taken their roll in human lives. FLO HTMAH, the six·foot·five spiker who led the U.S. Women's Volleyball Team ro a silver medal in the 1984 Summer Olympics, died at 31 during a 1986 game in Japan. CHUCII: HUGHES, a receiver for the Detroit Lions, died on the field during a game with Chicago in October 1971. Hughes was returning to the huddle with little more than a minute left in the game when he put his hands to his chest and collapsed. CPR efforts failed, and aftet he was carted off, the referee insisted that the game be pla~d out. Chicago won by five; Hughes was 28. DoH McM.UfOH, a relief pitcher with seven major-league teams from 1957 to 1974, died of a hean attack after pitching in a Los Angeles Dodgers baaing practice in July 1987. The more famous baseball death occutred in August 1920, when Carl Mays of the YankCft beaned R"'T CHAl'MAH of the Indians. The sound of ball hitting cranium was so sharp that Mays thought his pitch had hit Chapman's bat; he fielded the ball and threw the comatOse runner out at first. • Boxing, of course, kills routinely; worldwide, 460 people have died in the ring since 1918. A notable example occurred in

1982, when Boom Boom Mancini beat South Korean fighter DUll Koo KUIl to _~ death during a WBA lightweight_ . championship bout at Caesars " Palace in Las Vegas. Duk's take k. was to h~ been $20,000. A couple of days before the fight, Duk had written KIU OR BE K1UED in Korean on a lampshade in his room. JUST DO YOUR BEST might have sufficed. Another memorable death in the ring occurred at Madison Square Garden in March 1962, when Emile Griffith killed IIHHY "Klo" P.... n during a welterweighttitle bout. Norman Mailer, who wu at ringside that night, said Griffith's punches sounded like -a heavy ax in the distance chopping into a wet log." .~ntlemanly sporn also kill. JON B..... l).. SftAW, a contributing editOr at £squirt and a cowriter of the screenplay for TIN MOtknu, collapsed while playing tennis in los Angeles in 1986. He died three days later, at 48. Commerce Secretary M..LCOLM I .... LDtlGI, age 64, was crushed to death in 1987 when his horse reared and kU on him during a rodeo in California. • Watet SPOrtS are especially dangerous. DIHH15 WllSOH, founding memo ber of the Beach Boys, drowned while swimming at Marina del Hey, California, in 1983; he was 39. Los Angeles Rams owner C.....OLL ROSIHILOOM, 72, died swimming off Golden Beach, Florida, in 1979. Rolling Stone I ......H JONES, 27, drowned while OUt for a pleasant floar in his backyard pool in 1969. H....oLD HOlD, the 59·year-old prime miniSter of Australia, drowned while bathing off Cheviot Beach, in ViCtoria, in D«ember 1967. VllUi.N..... WOOLF, age 59, drowned while swimming in the River Ouse in 1941. Unwise.ly, perhaps, she was wearing aU het clothes and carrying large stones in the pockets of her coat. .. Last but not least, HELSOH RocKlflwl. died at age 70 in 1979 while participating in perhaps the oldest recreational sport known to man: namely, working late at the office on a Friday night, on a book about modern art, with a comely blond assistant. - Jamie MalanowJki

THE NAME OF THAT NEW WHITE WINE WAS ON EVERYONE'S MIND.

LIBAIO Ubaio by Rylfino. Imported by Sctl-eftelin and Somerset Co . N 짜: C 1988

Jltakd ~to/I JOURNALISTS ACREE: RUDY GIULIANI REMINDS Is it G ~Iigioul figure ... ~A thoughtful, driven man who rarely sleeps more than five hours a night and resembles a quattrocenro fresco of an obscure salnt.~-Tinlt, February 10, 1986

"But like Savonarola, the 43-year-old Republican prosecutor strays outside his religion (the law) and plunges into the political thicket."- Ken Auletta, Daily NewJ, April 5, 1987

"He is a priest in prosecutor'S cloching.... Most people ... know his monk's face and his altar-boy lisp.... Or is he a lauer-day Savonarola, using temporal power to purge a pleasure-sodden city?" -Gail Sheehy, Vanity Fair, August 1987 ... on Untouchabl•..•

"His hardball tactics have earned him comparisons ro Eliot Ness, the fearless federal agenc who worked to break up whisky·smuggling gangs in Chicago duro ing the 1920's Prohibition years:' -Maclean~, April 6, 1987

"So, warch Giuliani. Fighring crime in New York can be a path into politics. It was for ... Tom Dewey."- George Will, Newswuk, March 2, 1987 "Rudolph Giuliani isn't the first Gotham gangbuster to capture the imagination of professional politicians. A half·century ago, Thomas E. Dewey rocketed ro fame.... "-US. News & World Repart, March 23, 1987

OF SOMEBODY

York since Thomas Dewey set up shop half a century ago.n - Sialen IJ/and Advance, November 23, 1987 'Just as Dewey parlayed his crime·buster image into election as governor and nomination for president ... ~ -Maurice Carroll, Newsday, November 26, 1986 "New York's most relentlessly visible prosecuror since Dewey."-Maurice Car· roll, Newsday, December 14, 1987

"Not for SO years-nor since rhe days of Thomas E. Dewey-has anyone had such an impact on law enforcement in the city."- Peter Maas, New York, April 2S, 1988

"Not since the time of Thomas Dewey has a public prosecuror so materially altered the rules of the game in this town.~ -News· day,January 27, 1988

"State Republicans are courting Giuliani as though he were a modern·day Thomas Dewey."-Bronx Beal, April 7, 1987

"If his record of successes continues he is likely to go down as the most effective prosecutor since Thomas Dewey.~-James B. Stewart, The Prosecutors, 1987

"Rudolph Giuliani's exploits as crime buster have, in little more than four years, put him on a par with Thomas E. Dewey:'-John McLaughlin, Sialtn IJland Sunday Advance, August 23, 1987 "He is the hottest prosecuror to hit New

"This lauer·day Eliot Ness has stung Wall Streer inside·traders as well as major or· ganized·crime figures with equal effecdveness:'-Newsday, February I, 1988

"If a reporter looking at the U.S. Attorney's future fails to mention the name of Tom Dewey, someone from Giuliani's office may work it into the convenarion:'-Andy Logan, The New Yorker, Oc· tober 26, 1987 -Howard Kaplan

ITIi'@Q(SO'OtJ'ocsoB@ill

"A 1980s version of Eli or Ness."-Slalen IJ· land Sunday Advance, Seprember 27, 1987

.:;t;r ..,)'0"1"

"u.s.

Attorney Rudolph Giuliani, forty· three, is rod ay's Eliot Ness. Vanity Fair, August 1987

CqnV~jence.

cVIO"ENc'€ OF

pooR GRMP of TECttNQVE

••• Of just 0 New York guy with plenty of missionory zeal?

"Some detractors think that Giuliani is preparing a political career in the tradi· tion of onetime New York Prosecutor Thomas Dewey." -Time, October 14, 1985

If'lfUCIT RIOltULE Of SIlGR(D jNSTI"'TVT10,oJ5

3. 1986 46 Sf'Y AUGUST 1988

VNoENIIlBI...£ C:~RRf'I1

fOR """tiil"T Ii

'.s

NOT HlIR.D- HI1T1NCr

"like Thomas Dewey ... Giuliani has be· come a high-profile, white·hatted gang· buster.~-Time, February 10, 1986 MIn an earlier era, JUSt such a track record propelled u.s. Attorney Thomas E. Dewey."- US. News & World Report, February

OBVIOVS JMP~08A81LITY

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he quodlibet weighing heavily on everybody's mind, or at lean upon the minds of people ar the Timn ... well, all right ... on managing tdiror ArthNr Gtllls mind, is what he will do when he reaches the paper's reriremenr age of 65 early next year. Publisher Punch Sulzberger and the board of editors ha~ already declined, with thanks, a selfless request by Arthur for a special retirement waiver that would allow him to stay on, if only to ensure that his wife, Barbara. and son. Peter, receive the regular favorable Times coverage that they ha~ come to regard as their due. (Punch, poor man, was placed in a similarly knotty' situation with former executive editor Abe Rosenthal, in the course of a parricularly cross-grained. lunch the cwo shared in The Grill Room of The Four Seasons prior to Abe's reaching the magic number lasr year. Throughout rheir feast, Rosenrhal imerminently dabbed at the catsUp in the corners of his mouth, leaned roward his companion and pleaded in urgent but hushed tones to be allowed to stay on. Prttly please. Prtlty please wirh SMgar and whipptd trtam on lOp. Or words to that elTect.) ~grettably for Arthur, th~re a«: few decem postretirement sinecu«:s left at the: paper. The Op-Ed page has an ample supply of enervated former editors with nothing lefr to say and little ral~nt left to say it with, in the person of Abe "I'm Writing as Bad as I Can" Rosenthal. But unlike Abe. who forged few friendships outside the paper (and almost none within), Anhur has cannily applied himself to currying favor with achievers throughout publishing and the arts - people who may feel obliged to lend him a hand once his compelling brand of obsequiousness and tyranny is no 485PT AUGUST 1988

longer required at the: TimtJ. Would it be tOO unkind to suppose that Arthur, in ad· dition to arranging a face·saving, donothing advisory stim for himself ar the: paper, will enter into partnership with teeny Timn·hyped arts impresario Marrin Segal in some son of consulting business? Demobilization from the Times may; however, depri~ Arthur of his involvement in book deals to which he: assiduously attaches his name. And we're nOt talking here about O'Neill, the biography of the Scandalously Underappreciared American Playwright Eugene O'Neill that Gelb wrOte with Barbara, and whose sales he has fought valiantly to bolster with almost daily updates on O'Neill's life. which ended in 1953. Rather, we're referring to the easy $5,000 or so that Ge1b and Rosenthal would each pick up for "editing" the hardcover anthologies of Second Section magazine pieces gathered under the titles The Ntw lflrk TimtJ World of New lflrk and The Sophisritaud Travtltr. Although the stories in each anthology were already written. edited and copyedited. and evt"n the books themselves were gathered and edited again by others - then·rravel·ediror Michael Leahy in the case of T!x SophiJri. taUd Trawler and popular new culture editor Marvin Siegel for WorldofNtw YorkAbe and Arthur, the two ~ditors of record, were obliged, if not actually to rtad the completed manuscripts, then at least to find time in their ve:ry busy schedules to know ofr!xir txisun«. If Arthur is anything like: Abe. he will probably supplant this loss of income by arranging other, more profitable book deals for himself. There will, of course, be the rc:quisite tiresome: TimtJrnan autobiography. It is also likely thar Arthur will manage to convince some publishe:r to come up with a swan of rhe son that Abe orches-

tr'lued wim Phyllis Grann at G.P. Putnam's Sons. Phyllis, you will recall, is a close personal friend of Abe's, Arthur's and Barbara's, and a«endam wirh mat high honor came glowing and exrensi~ co~rage of her career in me Times. When Abe first accepted his pooh·bah job at Putnam's a half year ago, he failed to fully inform Punch and his son, Arthur Sulzberger Jc. (me poor man is actually called Pi1l€h), thar he would be acri~ly acquiring books. The Sulzbergers were furious-so furious, in fact, that they demanded rhat Abe arrange a title change for himself at Putnam's, from -editor at large- to -editorial consultant: and insisted that an -Editor's Note- ac· knowledge nor only the change but also that Abe's duties at Putnam's would nor include buying books but merely suggesting book ideas and bringing up the names of famous authors a good deal. When Arthur does leave, incidentally, currem executive editor Max Frankel's boy, Jack Rosenthal, personable and comperent in his present job as editorial-page editor, will in all likelihood succeed him as managing editoc. And not a moment roo soon. In the course of trying to fill a key reponing position on the paper recently, Arrhur conferred at length with twO of the editors overseeing me $&tion, and they reached a consensus on whom they should hire-a genial and experienced reporter from anorher paper who had previously worked in Paris. Later Arthur called up one of the editors and told her that he had JUSt spoken to the fellow he thought was the agreedupon candidate and that he would be starring work at the Times shortly. After a long pause, the editor on the other end of the line said, -An:hur, you'~ JUSt hired the wrong person~ The wrong person began working for rhe Timn in April. -JJ HMns«ktr

It was a controversial war. It was a war that touched a generation. It was a war unlike any America had ever fought before. It was a hard, bloody, endless war - hard and bloody, anyway. Well, sort of hard and kind of bloody. It was a war that defined an entire... week in our nation's history. Yet it was also, we believe, a searing national experience that even today, on the fifth anniversary of the invasion, the American people have refused to face.

Until now.

sn AUGUST

1988

we were younger in the fall of 1983. we were younger before the War in Grenada.1f Grenada. The very word is nostalgic, conjuring up an era ofyouthful exuberance, a time before the

Return to disillusionment of Irangate and beforeJusr Say No, a heady rime ofCyndi Lauper songs and Remington Steele. But Grenada is more than just part of an innocent, faraway, early-Reagan-era time. It is more than the only successful war in the last 43 years of American military enterprise. For the generation born in the 1960s and 70s, Grenada is a watershedGrenada is their Vietnam. With Vietnam, however, the country had a leisurely decade to figure out the pain and learn the lessons of the war; with Grenada everything was wildly acceleratedthe communist threat, the bloody coup, the rroop buildup, the full-

scale military commitment, the Washington duplicity and the American pullour all happenedin a matter of weeks. Today I am in Grenada co dig deep in its soil, to visit the killing grounds, to speak with our old enemies and to see if I can reach an accord with them, the deep accord of which I know we are capable now that the war is over. There can be nothing more profound than the meeting of two former enemies on an old battlefield. It is my contention that the war made us brothers. I hope to bring something of that home for all of us. Before this saga is ove~ I'll enrwine myself in the shadowy net

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of informants who control the flow of fact a fin, happy little cabdriver who claims he and fiction in Grenada; I will track the has never heard of Leo Castelli, mNlt tell semimassive American occupation force; I me everything. The story is fairly bursting will contact the biner ex.-communists liv- out of him. I'm on the ground in Grenada ing semi.underground; I will worm my 23 seconds before he offers his services as 9r-ay into me upper reaches of Grenadian driver and tOugh-guy-know-it.aU. In other society, or what passes for society on this words, Jasper wants to hire on as my per· island; I will be suspeCted of being and ul- sonal stoolie. timately branded an intelligence operative; For starters, I want to know why rwo I will discover the purportedly secrer lair mammoth camouflaged U.s. Air Force Miliof either (I) the CiA or (2) a formerly po- tary Airlift Command (MAO transports, a Iygamisr religious cult. In short, I will cut c-no prop plane and a C-141 fouHngine through the lanice of pretense and decep- jet, s.tand watch on either side of the Point tion ofthe postwar inferno I find myself in. Salines tarmac five years after our troops You may ask, Why now? Why not jNJI fOr- have ostensibly pulled out of Grenada. I gtt it? wanr to know why, just a half mile down We must look hard at our victory in the road from the airport, there is a twOGrenada for posterity and for the nation acre, barbed-wire~nclosed Navy comas a whole. Because we deserve to remem· pound, complete with generators, mess ber how and why we won so big. tent, officers' billet, laundry, motor pool, But why now? For me personally, the an- .45-toting Shore Patrol and a whitewashed swer is simple: I needed the ~ars in be- concrete gate that reads rwttn. I couldn't have gone back a minute WELCOME TO sooner. I refused to believe that the war HOTEL CALlRJRNIA, had affected me in any way-I routinely HOME OF denied that it had even occurred. I moped. U.S. NAVY HYDRORJU.s I suppose that was to be expected. I've since learned this is a side effect: of all FURTHERMORE, I WANT TO KNO'W WHY, wars-even for people who didn't serve in on Jasper's deep s/Xa radio st2tion, I keep them. Five ycoars later, after the shooting expecting to hear Jimi rip into a thunder·

leader, he sciU alive, so the Grenadian security cannOt be depended on. Becahse they are from the early rime, roo." WhatJasper means is that almost e~ry body was here from 1979 to 1983, what they call the revolurion tim~ except, of course, those unforrunates who managed to get killed. It's not as if the island were instantly reinvented after 6,000 Rangers, Marines and 82nd Airborne paratroopers dropped in. The islanders had lives, jobs, families and their own peculiar system of dealing with the rigors of their former government, even if they happened to be one of its many detainees. Extracting the taproots of daily revolutionary life takes a bit longer than nine days. I'm JUSt at the point of asking Jasper how he squeaked by during the four agitprop-filled years of Marxist-Leninist rule when we pass the dun-colored drill ground and barracks of the Grenadian security forces, JUSt below the U.S, Navy base, and ir becomes dear what elseJasper meant. At this very moment there are former People's Revolurionary Army soldiers at work securing a restructured, pro~agan Grenada - guys who shot down ollr choppers, who sniped at (J~r grunts, and who. after witnessing and/or participating in twO coups d'etat and one invasion from 1979 to 1983, are currently being mined in counterinsurgency techniques by Oil' Special Forces advisers.. Jasper appreciates the milit2ry drollery. WArmy is army, mahn~he laughs, Wand army go around."

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was over, I woke up one morning and dis· covered in myself the courage to face the facr that I was still tied to the war in Grenada, or, more precisely, that the entire nine days Lived in Technicolor in my head - post-Grenada·srress syndrome. Then I knew I had to go. I had to see Grenada for myself. jAsPER JOHN WA!'1TS 10 TELL ME EVERY-

thing. Actually, ir's better than thaLJasper, H Sf'Y AUGUST 1988

llo.O:••• ;,I. M . . . . 101 St.~.

ous ·Purple Haze.~ I want to know why I feel like I have not landed at windy, goatmowed Point Salines, gareway to the paradisiacallsle of Spice, but at Tan Son Nhut circa 1968, the hor, swarming gateway ro hell. Jasper has a simple answer to my questions. Ibat the big boys~ he says, nodding at the Navy installation. Ibey here about ODe month now, becahse there are plenty people from the revolution time, and the

A REVOWTION MUST HAVE A

villain in order to sray a revolution. Grenada's first villain was Sir Eric WUncle" Gairy, the demented spiritualist and UFO devotee who managed to put together a trade union coalition and lead the country to independence from Britain in 1974. But as he matured in che office of prime minister he developed a messianic mambologist's worldview, prominently featuring the divine juju of Himself, Sir Eric, New Age Uncle of Grenada. Along with this came a Baby Doc-size appetite for muscle. Domestically, Sir Eric and a few of his friends funded the Mongoose Gang, whose job it was to bear, torture and otherwise instill terror in the opposition. On the twelfth of March, 1979, Sir Eric flew to New York for a meering with then-squeaky-c1ean UN Sec-

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[tracy General Kurt Waldheim on the subject of UFOs and other cosmic phenomena. Alas, the day after he lefe for New York, Sir Eric was deposed by Maurice Bishop. a young London-trained lawyer who seized power with about 50 poorly armed followers.

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ANGELICA ROOT FROM SAXONY

THE FATE OF THE U.S. MIUTARY TO HAVE EVERY SINGLE THING IT OOES IN THE WORLD EYAWATED IN TERMS OF THE VIETNAM WAR,

Maurice Bishop was the c10scst Grenadians ever came to having theif very own JFK; it was just their tough luck that he was educated in England and was mt:~· fort: a raving socialist. Tht: day ht: took poW(:r, Bishop promised t:lt:C[ions and tht: rt:storation of personal and political f~t: dom. As time passt:d, of courst:, his gov· t:rnment's ft:ar of a countt:rcoup ossifi«J it, and mt: usual rt'Volurionary t:nuopy S(:t in: a sing1t: ruling parry, a Ct:mral Committet: and jailings for tht: opposition, In spitt: of his t:xct:sst:s, it's difficult to ove~srimatt: Maurict: Bishop's popular.

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ity. for many poor Grenadians, it was the first time they had actually been addressed by a politician. Bishop and his depury, Bernard Coard. began thdr long llirnt.tion with Cuba and the Soviet bloc, which culmi· RUed in the building of the Point SaJines airport and the stockpiling of weaponry.

AND IAM HAPPY, NOW, TO BE PART OF THAT TRADITION.

H SPT AUGUST 1981l

*****

Bur t:Vt:n mt: most dt:lightful ~volu tions occasionally eat their young. Coard soon poisont:d cht: umral Committee against Bishop, who was srrippt:d of poWt:r and plact:d undt:r house arttS[, F~t:d by a crowd of suppont:n, Bishop led a prott:st march to the old French fore above tht: (Own of St_ ~orge's, whert: troops loyal to Coard shot him and tht:n cut at his corpS(:. Six days lart:r, on Octo~r 25, 1983, cht: fint of mt: 6,000 American invaders hit rht: silk under heavy opposing firt:, Tht: miuion, or tht: purported mission,

"1" ifCASSlABARKFROM lNDOCHNA

was to sa~ tht: m«Jical studt:nts. Sow rht mldicd/ Jtutknu! Perhaps you recall them, the 585 young Americans whose substan· dard SAT scores, substandard medical boards or substandard collt:ge marks tragically prnentt:d tht:m from rt:alizing their pa~nfS' lifelong goal of having them at· tend medical school ar a fully accrt:dited university in the continental Unired Stares, But no mattt:t. After Maurict: Bishop's murdt:r, our prt:sidt:nt impli«J, the mt:di· cal stUdents W(:re in critical dangt:r at che hands of unruly, heavily armed, darkskinned communists who would rapt: the girls and kill tht: boys or, worst:, hold tht:m all hostagt:. (5« -Fighting and Dying for Trum,Justict: and an Unaccrt:dired School of Mt:dicint:; page 62,) Between golf gamt:s during that weekt:nd in OC[o~r, mt: prt:sidt:nt managt:d to S(:1I chis $Ct:nario ro cht: Joint Chit:fs. The military bought in fairly quickly, having 48 hours earlier lost face by sacrificing 241 Marines to a kamikaze truck bomber in Beirut. And, of coutS(:, eight years t:arIier, by having lost rhe Vit:tnam War. Now it's rhe fate of rhe U.S. military to havt: evtry Jing/l thing it rUHJ in Iht world efldlllattd in ttrmJ o[tht Vietnam War. and I am happy, now, to be part of that' rradi-

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tion. As a result, when th~ arc engaged, our military mostly just tries to avoid humiliation; but the great problem with humiliation management as a military Strategy, or even as a life'Slyle, is that it leads (0 greater humiliation. So, confronted in Grenada with an estimated 1,500 poorly trained enemy militia

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Other- MiAs; page 57). Then the defenders of the airpon at Point Salines, the Cuban construction workers, decided, incredibly, lO shoot at the main invading force. American commanders later claimed thac the inteUigence reports theyCl recei~d had stared

cut oR"on an island sriU suffering the disarray of an unpopular coup, our military planners opted for the usual firepower

blanket and dispatched [0 the war a small number of top-secret, special-operations insurgent-killers, plus twO battalions of Rangers. 600 Marines, 5,000 paratroopers, a five-ship amphibious assault forc~ and the U.S.S, buupnuu1IU batde group. including its 80 fighter planes. its full-size cruiser, a guided'missile desuoyer, a guided-missile frigate and two standard-issue destroyers. In shou, it wasn't enough. Does this remind us of anydling else in the last 20 years? \Vt OW" 1M a;r' and wt Dum 1M lta, bill Chad;e tlWnJ Jhe grrJlI"J. The first thing that happened in Grenada was that th~ lOps~cret, special-ops count~rinsurgents got pinned down immediately by a few cool, committed members of the People's &va. lucionary Army and their Cuban friends. Hours later they had [0 be rescued by 250

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BUI wt won, don't you sec? Eight chousand, six hundred and twelve m~dals were awarded to our 6,000 combatants, the mOst ever in American history for so brief an engagement. The presid~nt and the military showed spine; the medical profession, thank God, had its future preserved; and we as a nation had the thanks of a grateful Grenada, indeed of a grateful Caribbean. Okay, it cost us 19 American boys, bur if we had the chance to ask them, they'd say they ga~ their lives gladly to help us purchase back our pride after so many long, dry years of shame. In a phrase,;f waJ V;et-

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GRENADA'S NATIONAl PISTIME I KNOW' I'VE FOUND THE RIGHT WATER·

u.s. tfooI\. two do,- ott. 1983 ........'0" rhat they would only be facing token resisWor is hell::

tance: 8111 J;r, YOIl JpecificaJly /()Id UJ Ihty wm lfJing /() g;,Jt lip! Then 295, or roughly half, of the medical students somehow got lost in th~ hurlyburly oflife and languished in their dorm rooms for two days, surrounded but unlOuched by the communisrs, Finally, th~ battl~field commanders learned where they v.~re and sent helicopters to pick them up off the beach.

fronc dive in St. George's when I glance at the bar menu, which offers a house specialty caU~d the U.S. Bomber Cocktail (Super Pot~nt), built with equal measures of the local white rum, creme de bananes, Galliano, orange and lemon juic~ and a few heaping tablespoons of honey. Although they eat and drink sugar by the con on this island, nobody drinks these things. I had to dump Jasper earlier in the day, Such is the way with informantS. Not that I didn't want to keep going, it's JUSt that the AUGUST 1988

s" H

legion of Grenadian snitches and their in· formation have a very short half.life, and poorJasper ttached. his sooner than most. Next tocrkket, informing is the national sport of Grenada. When politics att fluid, and they have been darned. fluid for more than a decade here, there's an insatiable need for information. Each of the three regimes prior to our invasion had its own secret police, and, naturally, each had its immediate predecessors in jail. Now, no matter what their suipe, most Grenadians are OUt of jail, and there is a wild, blooming souk of information, a whole nation of gossip merchants. The most popular of the island's sevtral ne'\V5' papers is, appropriately, Tht Grmada In· fOrmtr, -the fearless weekly that tells it is, where it is, how it is, JUSt as it is {sic}~ The Injmnrr- has a strict editotial policy of print· ing every single rumor that has survived more than a day on the sneet. But around Market Squatt, one hean much more: .The guns left in the hills are in the wrong hands; ·There are no guns in the hills; ·The recent series of unsolved robberies and killings with AK-47s, the weapon of choice during the Marxist heyday, has great political significance; .The robberies and killings are simply an opportunistic crime spree; • America has helped Grenada; • America has sucked the blood of this nation and placed it in the thrall oftheGA;

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Obviously the right thing, because my drinking companions, about eight youngish island guys who can't really afford ro be here, are lapping it up, howling with laughter and calypso jive, slapping the bar whenever Taylor, Desi Arnaz or Uoyd No· Ian greases some Nips. It's near the end of the movie, so the sran engage in slaughrer at an amazing tate ... and in the middle of all the tropical hilarity a light-skinned, lightly bearded young Grenadian leans

ANY AMERICANS IN HIS AREFIGHT DURING THE WAR, BUT IT

STRIKES ME AS IMPDUTE.

*** ********

You GET THE PICTlJRE. ThE SAFEST-IN fact, the only-course is to believe absolutely everything anybody says unless it 5I'T AUGUST 1988

MoNt tIM -.y: Mlchoel, 0

AT THE POINT DF ASKING HIM WHETHER HE ACTUAllY KIllED

·There is no race consciousness here; • White people are evil CIA operatives; light-skinned Grenadians are their pawns and toadies; • There is no drug problem here; • The island has been riddled with cocaine evtr since the Americans arrived; ·The three local cocaine kingpins, "Tony One," -rony Two" and "Dennis~ are Grenadians; Americans have had norhing to do with it.

can be immediately proved false. I make this decision after my third rum at the ~ Iicious Landing while watching a colorited Robert Taylor film called Baraan on Ted Turner's "SuperStation~ TBS. What could Turner possibly have in mind?

over and says to me, low and even, "I done thar, mahn. When Raygahn come {he means the U.S. rroops} I gOt my gun, I shooting in the jungle just like that." He nods at the television. He has a slight stutter, but his voice is deep and healthy, and he is angry. He introduces himself as Michael Chades, bus driver and former People's ~Iutionary Army soJdieL I [rtl a chill: fin- tht first time, I am mana a mano with tIN enemy. PtrhllPI a rtCQndliation can INg;". -mat Raygahn, he a asshole, man, he a btttg, buttg asshole. You been to the airpOrt. You see the twO Canes? You see

them? You see the flying Navy boats in the marina?" Michael's nor angry at me personally, he jUst wants to make sure I've cataloged the abundant oppression. It turns out that local Reagan agents jailed Michael twice, once as a POW after the fighting, from which custody he was released without any reeducation, and again twO ~an later as a potencial trouble· maker, when Reagan came to Grenada to dedicate a monument at the aitport. About 25 of Michael's acquaintances were incarcerated with him for four or five days, neady bracketing the president's stay. Three American sailon come around the comer, looking ill at ease in mufti and crew cuts. Michael melts away from the bar. Standing next to the sinewy island boys. these guys look pasty, soft in the stomach and, above all, stupidly, irreversi· bly white. They are out for their last night before a cruise, they say, and they'll be back in four or five days. They are based in Key West. But what are they doing here? -mat's c1assified~ barks their chief. The chief will, however, discuss the machinery. -me actual tOP speed is classified, but we can go 40-plus knots, we carry Harpoon swface-to-surface missiles on [he stern and a 78-millimeter on the bow. It fires 80 rounds per minutc," he says proudly, shifting his belt under his gut_ -me boat~ he sar.; slowly, Mean get to Venezuela in an hOULM "We've gOt the Coasties with us~ says one of the younger sailors brightly, apropos of nothing. By this time the sailors have started to notice the people at the bar, and they've begun to feel the heat from some of the badboy cineasts over my shoulder. The sailors leave.. There was a trace of something sad about the chief loving his hydrofoil so much. It had to do with money, America's money, as expressed through its ability to send warships anyplace it cared. Key Wm? TIN eMit Guard? VtntZllela ;n an boll''? Then I understood that the chief and his boys were down here looking for dope. Michael sidles up when they are gone. MMahn; he says, shaking his head, MArner· ica always doing something underneath what they doing~ I'm at the point of asking him whether . he actually killed any Americans in his firefight during the war, but it strikes me as impolite. ....

• hod the Cubans' numbefpegged between 1,000 and 1,200 at the stort of the war, 1_,,;n9 0 m;n;' mum discrepancy 01 216 unoc· counted-fo,. Cuhons. Let me say parenthetically that tltis i. Just obouteKoctly tlte numb$' 01 iII-trainN construction WOfien it would tole to i".. prison lour SEAls fw Ii.,. rears. I'll admit I was slow coming around to the kteo that ",ere might be a camp specially COltstructed forth. imprisonment of American servicemen, manned by renegade Cubans in the wilderness of the Grenadian interior. But let me tell my story, and if )'Ou aren't can"lnced-this is a wonderful thing about a democracy, by the way-you're still free to participate in ....e desnuction of the moral artd political fibef of tt1is countYy any way you see fit.

THE THER MIA s One Manj Search for Americam Held Captive in Grenada HI SNlMG Am.MOON I CAU

Washington. 11Ie instant the soldier picb up the pho".. ' con hear I·.... inte1'rupted a rocking lint. office party. loti of people loughing and the jostled. horried voice haM shouting at me. "What? Gmnodor He hlms from the phone and yells. "Hey! Does anybody heft! know anything abollt Gtenodo'r' I would hove fdt better a I t.od ealled the State Deportment; the,. probobly have parties all the time. Unfortunatel,.. this is the OftiR of Public AHairs in tfle Pentagon, the governmentdesignated spokesploce of our armed forces. Now, I'm as will. ing as liIe next patriot to give the Pentagon the benefit of the doubt. But mil. The soldier on the phone could h<n-e ot leost ptetencled to be interested. He says. "Sir. JUIt when was that? Eighty-three? Look, sir, why don't you call the Atlantic Command on ttlat, they're the ones ...,ho ron that thing_ That's the Atlantic Command, in Norfolk, Virginia." My heart sinb. So nobody knows anything about G.."odo oftJmore. I can't blame that soldief, br.rtl COn blame a vast, ungrateful and Iett.argic American public. Does America know the magnitudeof what she has last? The simple, hideous irany was that we wan that war. He,." was the chance to put the twin legocies of Korea and Vietnam to rest; here was the chance to reclaim national pride-or at least one glorious week's worth of ft. WHAT OCCUUlD IH THl PlHTAGOM

that oftemoon was merely a reflection of what had already happened all across tt1e nation. The mare I think about it, the angrief I get. Some days later I was tolklng

about tt1is at dinnef with an old professat' of mine. He used to be a frogman (although nat, technically, a membef of the SEALs. the Navy's 580, Air and Land farces). SEAls were among the special-opet'Otians team that went into Grenada, and sinc. they were top secret, their casualties were never divulged. But according to un. confirmed reports at the time, four of them drowned. Drowned? DrownHl How could SEAls drown? They're pr0fessional, underwater-demolitian, hyperaquatic sabateul'l. We know very little about the SEAls, and that'. as it should be. but wedo know for a fact that one of the entrance requirements Is being able to swim.

wanted to feel in my gilts, that they were-and if we could somehow get them aut, then and only tt1en could there be a real chance for America again. The SEAls had three missions in Grenoda. The first was to save Sir roul $coon, the governor gen. ero!. The second was to storm Richmond Hill Prison and release the political prisoners. The third was to neutnllizettle communist IOdjo stotion. They succeeded an one count: Sir roul managed to su,.,ive. Butthere were casualties. A Blackhawk chopper was shot down neor the prison. They hod to pvll out. So pemaps in on:Iefto so.... the unit from total extinction, our men hod to leave their brothers behind. You may ask, just who is hold-

1M GRlMADA THE KRHCT l'UCl FOR

such a camp is in the vast, uncharted jungle-covered mountain range called the Grand Etang. It is forbidding country, magnificent in its wiklness and is~ation and oddly, weirdly .im-

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Drowning, my old professor hinted danly, has nothing to do with it. His eyes sponled with meaning and intent. I said, ''Surely you don't mean those brave men could still be alive" somewhere in Grenada? Surely you don't mean that tfoley're MiAs or POWs?" He n....... answered my question. But I believethat is whot he meant, and I resol.,.ed then and there to do all I could to prove him right. If the MIAs were there-and I felt in my gub, or

H._.. . . . ....

a.I••·"" . . 10

ing these MIAs, and why? The answer is simple: our archenemy in the Caribbean is Cuba, a country tIlot, histori_ colly, has needed no reason to humiliate America. Oa the Shiites need a reason to hold American wire-service reporten, or college professors? Do the Vietnamese need a reason to hold American carpses? When the fighting stopped in 1983, the Cubans claimed that 784 of their countrymen hod been in Grenado, but U.s. intelligence

w--."""

i1arto the homeland of the molttagnards of Laos and Vietnam. Which, I need hardly odd, is exactly whefe international in_ telligence experts suspect that MiAs from the Sautfoleost Asian war are being held. The government of Grenado calls these mountains a notional pon, but;t you look carefully, you con see tt1e land under cultivation, banana, cacao and nutmeg groves tongled up in one great maross of growth. Tucked bock in the hills are tile AUGUST 1988 WY H

formerly hard-line commllnist villogel of the N"tOhrtion. The thing about these villoges is that ..ery man, woman and child in them leeml to own 0 machete and carries it ot all times. They twirl their mochetel by the lide of ttle rood. Civilians? Or. disgllised OS banana farmers, perpetually armed keepen of Ameficon prisonen? Anonging for a sofari into the Mghlandl from downto'wn St. George's is milch like plilling a James "Bo" Gritz from Bon9.o.- ..erybody knows where JOU'... headed .... second you begin to Jook lib )'011'''' Jeaving town. Ws hard to lleepthe mission seure. Aftw a few dOJS it becomes cleor that I need a beard. Eventually it hits me: my "He is "itft me! We'll oct as milch lib tourists os possible,. spreoding money around, pretertding not to urtdentand people and to.· ing pictures. Lots of pidures. We reach on el....otion of 1,900 feet before noon and brea. for lome food. We've seen nothing so for except a few foot· paths off into the woods-no people. The first brea. comes a little befow the summit. We begin to see regular-loo.ing banana grcmtl. exquisitel, tenoced on the steep slopes of the Etang. Too regulor.loo.ing, if 'au get my drift. The jungle-trac.er warning light goes off in my brain. Three long tenoces, three short ter. roces, three long ones. Of course! An aerial 50S from our boys! But it takel a long time to grow banana trees, even in the jungle where they are IUpposed to grow, so I don't .now. The men who planted these could be dead by

.....

Then _ hove on extraordinary piece of luc., the .irtd )'OIl pro, for in the jungle but rarel, get. T1Nee,oung banonofarmen come trudging up to the g _ wheN we've stopped to inspect the eorthworb. They _nt to knowwhatwe'... doingwith~ et'OI In their father's g _ W. so, were tourists from America. and then they smile. The,.·ve got cousins living in Broo.lyn. which. outside of Trinidacl, is home to the largest Grenadian ~8

sr"f AUGUST \5'88

Then I spot a pile of bamboo "No," says Emest, "not 10 poles, big thick ones. just lile many Americans up here." tire ones IISed in 011 jllng" pns. But Ernest is wearing a ons and gll~IIo-nin "tige, bleached little reel hot, Ii.. a coge" cells. "'nd I have on an- baseball cop from the lB90s. swer. our Special forces are,. in His cop reads, in English. UT1U their wisdom, training on a life. SWGGU. I don't as. him wheN size moc....p of the CYbon comp. he got it. Emestcloims this is a bananaI NlGli%Cl, thovgh, thotl hoven't got any hard Pf'OOI to tab bock. harvesting house,a storage area And the shooting ... well, the where they put the fruit to be shooting stops before we ever picked lip by the huck. I don't get dos.. We're just aba. to mention the ..,iden"c. of human him for home,. bitterty disap- habitation. I as. him once again pointed, when _ see the h1lt. if he has seen any Americans. We've possed this stretch of ''Sometimes I see tfMlm in the rood just obcwe the ez-co. . woods," Emest says. Idon'ttell him thot he h05 just munist stronghold of Birch Grove a hoH dozen times and controclicted himseH. but I'm ex· not noticed this thi~. nutted cited by what he says, and "'J among some nlrtmeg tTees. W. usual discretion foils me. ''So. uhh, Ernest, do t+tey live get out and approach it without spea.ing. Ws empty. It has a up here? Where do they liver' "No, I con't say tftot, I ain't crud. bench inside and a window on the uphill _II. Its in- been up that way;' he says hobitvnts, poorsOf.lls, must hove quic.ly, his rh.... my old eyes had 0 tefrible time here: the hcrt flashing with knowledge. H. hos been ptecisely constructed loob me up and down, then so as to prr;ent the men locked says, "Well, I must be going.... inside from standing up or lying pleasant cloy to you. An' ta" it down. Classic prisolH:omp can- light:· "What?" struction.1 dig caref1lllythrough "Terle ;, light. I so,. That the ref1Ise on the dirt Hoor with means," he pouses to smile fondly. "thatmeons inthattime, no worries. Toleitlighf:' he laYS again for good measu.... and he begins his long haul up the Grand Etang. I suppose I'll never know whether I was being wamed off by the old man with the m. chete, or whether he was trying to communicate with me in some obliq..... reverse code,. but since I've retI.lmed statesid•••.... hil found it impossible to advice. It goes against the very groin of my being. Writw disc-. baMboo - -.lord jII.. g'--Pri_ buildi", MOterioI I brought bac. whot I conplantation. and it is th.... that my .nite.. Cigarette butts, bits of sider to be ..idence that then ... begin to hear the smoll-onns plastic sheeting used in banana CIte U.s. notionols who may or may not be living against their fire. It is training fire,. which is to culti'f'Cltlon, some cardboard. soy it hosn't got the hot. coilSuddenl, there is on old man will in the Grenadian Interior ancHesponse texture of a fire- with a machete at the door of (just as the MIAs in Vietnam fight. It is semiaYfomotic target the hut, wonting to bow what do), who may or may not be aspnJetice, but by whom? And we·... doing photogropMng in- sisting in tropical ogriculturol where? The insistent croc.ling side it. I step ouhide, smiling. projects (just as the MIAs in echoes in and out of the steep motioning my wife to stort the Vietnam do). whose appeor· ravines around us. Another man cor. The old man says his nome once has been heavily altered woulel 05sume it was the <iNn. is EmeIt; he's heading up into by time and hardship (Ii" that dian Special Services Unit train- the Grond Etong in his rubber of the MIAs in Vietnam), ond ing under our Special Forces. boots to pNpON some more land whom the natives ant most reluetant to tal. obocrt. -G..M. but Ican't live with that thought. for bananaL expatriate community. They _uld like to go to Broo.lyn someday. We as. if they've seen a"' other Americans up this woy. No, they say-except the Americans who help the people on the fomts. In town a Rosta informant of mine hod told me of some very. ..". strange A_ricons living bock in the hills off the rood. On their rare descents to civilizo. tion these Americans say they are here helping the people to form-but. as evidence showed onlytoowell, tltepeopiealreodT inow how to form. I am elated and depressed. H we find these former American s.....icemen, it may not be poss~ ble to get them out. The, may hove simply, after this omOf.lnt of time and thrs amount of psy. chologiccd gone nati-re. The, may notspea. English any longer, or they may spea. it with a local accent, as did PfC Robert Garwood after his 14 years in Vietnam. On the gentle glacis, heocling down into the ez-communist stronghold of Grenville, we stop to inspect a mossi.... banana

tortu""

ta"

MAKING IHE IORLD SAFE FOR lENNY ROGERS JOHN IS IN HIS LATE TWENTIES, ALERT,

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with the sloping shoulders of a linebacker. He's a bartender and a fast talker, and you can't spend more than 20 minures wid! him before you have to buy him a drink or a piece of chicken or a ticket (0 the disco. Bur the problem is more subde than that, For a few months after the invasion, a[ lease until we could gc't Prime Minister Herbert Blaizr propped up. the U.s. Army was the de faero government of Grenada. As such. it n~ed information, and as usual there were citizens who obliged: expolitical prisoners, those otherwise oue of favor under the communises, and folks who JUSt wanted [0 get ahead. John was llmOE:lg me' latter. Today, most Grenadians carry what amounts to a horrible political hangovt"rthac is, rhey're t('tchy about aU the hell they've raised and would JUSt as soon have it recede now that stability is in flower, Unfortunately for john, his very ptesence teminds people of meir carousing. To hang out wim him is to see shadows dart across me faces of mose around you, flickers of displeasure and re<:ognition. As a direct te· suit of the high caliber of posdnvasion Americans that John has habitually run wim - can-do Army boys and hypercuri. ous civilians in white belts and Walgrttnsissue aviators-ro hang OUt in public wim john is to be seen by Gtenadians from all walks of life as a CIA field operative. Not that it doesn't happen constanlly to me anyway. In restaurants, in bars or just walking down the strttt, people generously take the time ro look up from me hustle and buscle of meir lives and say to my face, ~C1A minlC•.• Ir happens five, six, eight rimes a day. Some of it is teasing, even fond, bur moscly it's quier, direct, wegot-you-honky finger-wagging. It seems mat during the late days of BishopiCoard, white people, specifically non<ommunist-bloc Westerners, fell deeply out of favor. Citizens of Gtenada, John says, could be severely punished for any SOrt of fraternization. I want to know whete they gOt the "d· nlCk appellation, but john can't help me. After a few days one comes to undersund mat me people don't re"ally mean it personally. Ir's mote an exercise in ghost rhetoric, a nerve twitching in the corpse of the [evolution. But do they even know what

rednecks ate? Of course, hiring redn«ks and/or Urah-blond cowpokes for its field operations, especially in coumries whete there are no indigenous white people, is a classic M,O. of the post-Ivy League CIA, but how could every single person in Grenada know mat? john and I ate having brai~ conch for lunch at the Tropicana, a breezy cinderblock cafe on the lagoon side of St. George's. John wanted to eat at the

I believejohn is talk.ing about U.s. Army Special Forces Sergeant Major Howard AlIen, the adviser currendy on loan to train the Special Services Unit, or SSU, the Grenadian paramilitary police who have the compound across the road from the Navy hydrofoil base. But it's impossible to say. John's friend could also be a figment of his imagination, fired in the desire to be intimate with all important Americans. Such as myself.

Goeno4o ~ ..... todoy: -NeWt- from 100slwti)' "-II (1913),

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Tropicana because he was once a waiter Then John says, "So, you listen to muhere, and with my wallet at his disposal sic?" Suddenly I'm intetested. Grenada is hc's back ro show them JUSt how far he has the birthplace of the Mighty Sparrow, the come in me vrorld, greatest calypso singer in me Caribbean, He says proudly, ~I ....,ork for me 82nd, I and I think John is about fO give me the work for the WIst Airborne, I work in the name of the little old guy in the hills who motOr pool, but I go everywhere with the taught the Mighty Sparrow when he says, Americans. I go to S-2, which was military JUSt by way of idle conversation, "So, Lionel intelligence. I go an' nobody StOp me, Richie! I teally, teaUy like lionel Richie. mahn, nobody: And whO's the mahn with the silvah beard? In John's mind me work he did has You know the mahn wim the silvah beard. graduated far beyond simple procuring Kenny Rogers!" Now I'm convinced John has been and chauffeuring for his long-gone bud· dies in S-2 and S-:5-it has become an ac- spending a lot of time with a real Special tual resume credential. John knows the Forces sergeant. I can JUSt picture the fit, units and their old compounds by hean, grim, counretinsurgent NCO stepping off and, like a man who u~ to be on televi- a big, whining cno at Point Salines, the sion, he very much misses the access and plane's single passenger, a Oint Eas[W[)()C(, only-man·for-the-job OUt of Langley, his the heat. ~I tell you about my friend the senior Walkman and his treasured easy listenin' master sergeant from America, OUt train· tape of "Three Times a Lady" wrapped ing the police by the airport; John says. softly at the hearr of his duffel. "He speak 3011 the languages, even Russian. "So, uh,John~ I say, fishing as hard as I He's cool, mahn. He been in Vietnam, he can, ~are there any guns in the hills?" knows aU the funny ways to fight. He don't I figute if anybody's getting teady to go ~r no uniform, so you don't know he's a hunting for guns in the hills, it will be soldier, but he gOt plenty stripes. And he John'S master sergeant from America and always go in a tinted car, so you don't know his trainees, the redoubtable Grenadian he's coming when he's coming:' SSu. "Mahn, everybody have guns in teVOAUGUST 1988 Sf'T 19

lution time~ he says, "but just little guns now, little-little, You know the Cubans or the PR [People's Revolution} boys be going by in the road and drop some of it, and we pick it up. Grenades, rockets, guns, bullets, Most of the people, they give it back when the Americans come, so JUSt little ones now, here and there." The only thing left to figure out is dope. John and I drive over to the municipal piers, where the three American hydro· foils are docked, to see if we can, as interested and sympathetic civilians, get a tour aboard one of them. The Shore Patrol standing at parade rest amidships the Taurus, his .4 S mcked nearly on hip, shakes his head, John is crestfallen, his prior military experience not enough to get us on board. Just below the ship, on the boarding platform, are a half dozen well-tanned, meanlooking guys with walkie-talkies strapped to their waists. "Yeah, we're normally based in Key West~ says one. "We're just down here for the ride: He's a stocky young kid with brown hair and very expensive sunglasses. "Be here for anorher 49 days, then back home. I'll tell you, there's nothing going on. Nothing. Best 1.E. I ever had."

60 Sf"/' AUGUST 1988

He means law enforcement, which is to say, he's looking for drugs. Or, pm another way, he's not looking for drugs. Between the Coast Guard boys and my car, a distance of abom a hundred yards, two SHeet dealers offer me samples of the local killer spliff. Two days later the I"former asks, in its Is Ie True? rumor column,

terrified, and that helps you cur through a lot of red tape. Some people find it amusing instead. At a party at The Boatyard, a marina bar on the luxury peninsula called L'anse aux Epines, I'm introduced to a young Guyanese woman by a Wcstern diplomat. She sips her drink slowly. We chat about money for

IS IT TRUE that drug dealers have beaten the hydrofoils with speed and tactic? IS IT TRUE they nearly caught three boats transporting "coke~?

SO AM I I CIIIGENT? IN SOME WAYS IT'S A VERY, VERY LIBERAT-

ing thing to be mistaken for a United States intelligence operative. It can help clarify certain ambiguous interpersonal relations. People respond bener and more honestly to your questions, especially if they have things to hide. In a word, they're

TIM AlMrkan """"(4 fodor: a Morine ,oell••ed Yoel

a while. A British investment group has JUSt bought what is callcd Butler House, the bombed·out shell of Maurice Bishop's old office and living quartcrs. It com· mands a truly stunning view of the harbor, and the plan is to make it into a luxury hotel for yachtsmen.

II ~

~Whooo; calls the Guyanese woman sofdy. "This investment, that investment. How many rich people do you have?~ Buder House is a 6ne deal, ~ aU ag~ until it &lls through like aU the others. The diplomat asks her what she does. 'This and that; she says closely, looking at me. ~I'm doing this and that." The diplomar mentions another party. ~Oh: she pounces, looking at him and nodding ar me, ·so you and your govern· ment friend are going to rhis parry?" The diplomat is confused, but, to his credit, just for a moment. He smiles. He has been in the country for rwo years; it must be his 5,OOOth conversation like this. ~Oh, okay,· he says, jerking his thumb my way, ~he's in the CIA, all right?· -Oh, oh; she says, ~aring as much surprise 3$ she can muster, ne's in the CIA? Did you think I meant he was in the CIA? I never said anything like that!-

A COUPLE OF DAYS AFTER THIS, 1 FIND

Kenny, a.nd ~ ~solve to add~s the CIA problem in this country together. Kenny is a Rastafarian from Sr. Vincent, but he has been living in Grenada for the last 15 years and has a G~nadian wife. Kenny sells

coral jewelry on the beach at Grand Anse, to go reason about it?" and this brings him in contacr with anum, Kenny leads me around the corner ro a ber of white people. He's also something of second-floor bar ~r Granby Stren. The a cocksman, specializing in Northern Eu- bar is called Talk of the Town, A G~na ropean \\!Omen, for whom he trolls the dis- dian Concept in Eating a.nd Drinking. It's cos on Friday nights. He says he has dis· rush hour, but it's comfortable out on the cussed this at length with his wife, who balcony of the Talk, where we sip beer and understands that he must occasionally sta~ down into the jerking, hooting traffic, Kenny says, -Who the bahd boys are?" meet with white people. J men Kenny srriding ~r the back of Kenny \\!Ould make an ideal television the vertiginous little hill to Marker Square guesr, because he patrots each question in downtown St. George's. He's laden with before formulating the answer. ~Whar I teU his wa~s, done with beach work for the you, mahn, is positive. They all soldiers,

RESTAURANTS, IN BARS OR JUST WALKING DOWN THE STREET, PEIIPLE GENEROUSLY TAKE THE TIME mWOK UP FROM THE HUSTU

AND BUSTLE OF THBR UWES AND SAY mMY FAC~ "CIA REDNECK." day, in town to catch a bus home. I tell him I want to know what the Americans are doing here. Kenny laughs and says, without missing a beat, ~Jobs, information, security, mahn! They have tied up this place.· He pronounces it pkhhrt. He says, -00 you want

***

mahn, even the one who don't look like sol· diers. CIA every dahmn where, mahn! They got American training the Secm Service.I'd never heard of the Grenadian Secret Service. ~Yah, mahn! They drive in the Ameri· can Army crucles with ssu painted on the

AUGUST 19l1S $f"I' 61

FIGHTING AND DYING FOR TRUTH, JUSTICE AND AN UNACCREDITED SCHOOL OF MEDICINE xcur FOR AU THOSI MARXI5n I.USTUNG

orotlnd in the bYshes, Grenada', St. George', UniftfSity School of Meet... cine seemed an tdeol spot to attend medicol school in 1983-ond more so if one wasn't hung up on lots of boring d. tails, such as American Medicol Association certification Of' toJented cl05smotes. $urHIrenched waves lopped agoinst tIM school's swillHlp beochside snock bot; Sltn'Onts lived in; Gnd tit. students qutetty I'e'l'eled in the self·satisfodion tt10t come witfol "nowing they hod slipped through medicine's back door while other, horderWOfting students octvGlly studjed all that ~m.to get into reol medicol schools in the

-..

Hone ofwhich is to soy tflotSt. Geotge's 585 .hldents Wilfe a bunch of scheming, no-occountoHspring of Long Island orthodontists out to ride a few waves, potish ttleir bosso "0\'0 and (Oloy, my sand costie's done) get a medicol degree. Indeed, most of tIlese people (including one

named AtUla) actually become dodofs, armed with sharp instruments and eYefJthing, Gnd many of them pnJctice in the New Yo" orea. It's just that St. George's tend. to move in its own bockwoter WOJ. "You hove to undentarMf one thing:' says A.tfu,I' Moss~o. a spole$man for the school's U.s. office,. in Bery Shore,. Hew Yon.. "Most of these students ~ you

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unde'stand, tu,ned down by lots of schools at home." IU for all tftat bJother about acaeditotion, Mossolo demurs. "To get accredited:' he huHs, "takes a lot of time and lobo.:' Founded in 1976 by whot odministrotors call simply "a handful of inyestors:' 62 SIT AUCUST 1988

the school has a somewhat refoxed approach to Seaming. 0lIi exemplified by the fad that it took a reporter four days to contoct Manalo because he was incommunicado whikl booting around the Cari~ bean. "Uh, he's out on the water ,ight nQIW:' said his secretory. "But he'll call you when he docks in Grenada fo, lunch." All this arMf more forjust$8A70 (tftat's per semester, ofwhich there are nine,. orad not i.... cluding housing, food, the occasional book and, no doubt, countless small poper umbrellas). Despite Manalo's admission ttaat the Monists "ne.-er actually come neor the campus:' you'd think hom the way the alumni tell it five years Ioter that tfte e'f'Ocucrtion was nightmarish. "Reolly, it was like Apocolyps~ Ho.,,:' recalls Dr. Chris Stowe. "If you walked outside, you were shot dead," remembers Dr. Mark Polimeni of the 24-llour curfew imposed on the students. none of whom _s so much as jostSed. " was siffing on the yerando hGYing my moming coffee when all those soldiers come sneoming up," recalls Dr. Jill Bo~ bitt. "They hod on the camouflage and those little twigs sticking hom their hots and everything:' Ttte students' Ieoder during tfte long, tense minutes of the War in Grenada was St. Geofge's yiee-c:hancellOt, Geoffrey H. Bourne. Dr. Bourne seiud on his experienee as a nutritional adyiser to the B,itish military in Malaysia to roily the shaken student5. "I had to do what was best for the students," he said, pousing nicely. "And for America." Once the Americans had chased the enemy bock to thei, Bolshe.-ik hell, hQIW_ , the strangest tfting happened - almost none of the students returned to Grenoda. After speoking at more than 100 (reol, accredited) American colleges, it seems ou, he.oes found it too h'oumotic to head bad to the heart of dariness. "It was 0 "er'f primitiw: ploce;' Dr. Stowesoys of Grenocfo. "There was absolutely no entettainment eM' nightfife." Frightened and olone, the martyrs purs..ed one of the few meoger avenues left to them: they would finish school inn. Ironw. T".lronw- Borbodo5. "I wos in no mental state togo bock to the place.." soys 0 somber Dr. Polimeni, who n_erthe~s mu5tered enough strength to make rt to Bridgetown. "But I must soy, Barbados wal just gorgeous." - Ned Zeman

side! Secret Service Unit! Who the bahd boys are!· I try to explain why it's hard to be a proper Secret Service man in a marked truck, but Kenny is adamant. He has rwo main facts he holds dear, key to all true analysis of Grenadian society. First and foremost, the "high ranky,· as Kenny calls the ruling class, are all members of the CIA. Their children and probably their

w.o...,.: a.1Ioforio" 0.... lMaRllt ClJl..o....' .potter dogs are members of the CIA. The second is tha[ the high ranky are r~ponsible for the proliferation of cocaine, anathema [0 the mellow Rasta. To prove it, Kenny leans over the railing and begins tagging cars and people. ·See her? Thai lady there in the blue dress." He points [0 a blond \\lOman nand· ing at the end of the strec1: with her rwo children. Kenny says. ·Her husband CIA. They make a some job, but that is a pass, I know they CIA. See that car?" A Japanese make rolls by, driven by a big blond guy in a coat and tie. ·He CIA, he also bring some cocaine around. Yah, mahn, lotra bad foreign guys all over this island, I know I speak true. See that blue Mazda? Bahd, bahd boys in there. They CIA. The mahn with the gray mustache work with the Secret Service:' After a half hour and a couple of beers, knny has pointed out every white person who shows up on Granby Str~, with the norable exception of me. h's nOt clear what he expectS me to do with this information, but he is sure something ext,aordinary will happen with it immediately. Slowly, ever so slowly, his stated CIA demogtaphics set. Ue on him, and he begins to grasp that he has bet'n telling all this to a white man, a foreigner, an Amtrican, a strangtt. As the implication rtaches him, or he reaches it, he's like a carlOon charaCter Whaling at the air for those few queasy seconds after

"'TAMARA' IS ACLEVER DIVERTING WHODUNNIT... UNLIKE ANY OTHER SHOW CURRENTLY IN NEW YORKI"

.--

COMPARE ~,

s50· ON BROADWAY GETS YOU ASEAT IN THE DARK WITH 2000 OTHER PEOPLE.

•

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s100· AT 'TAMARA' GETS YOU CAUGHT IN THE ACT... Forget the old idea of siUing in an audience with hundreds of strangers. Staged throughout alavish villa, this is theatre without seats. You step inside the play as aguest, inches aWfrrl from seductions or schemes, and follow the characters who intrigue you most as they move about the house. Be apart of afirst-class evening, with all the trimmings: Free-flowing champagne when you arrive. Asumptuous buffet banquet presented by Le Cirque, New York's legendary 4star restaurant. Fabulous creme brulee and coffee with the cast when it's all eve, Come prepared for wild voyeuristic fun. And wear comtortable shoes. For Reservations & Information Call:

TAMARA HOTLINE (212) 239-6215

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I realizing that he has stepped off a cliff. ~Yah, mann; he says, elaborately relaxed, holding up his empty beer. "About to go home!" He starts to have a hard time again, as if, by making the words for his next question, he runs a great risk of making them true. "Say, mann, you ... you not ... you not... I take him out of his misery, and he breaks into a beaming smile.

ONE DAY, NEAR THE LAGOON, JOHN NODS

at a man stepping oue of a car. "See chat man? He was in jail for a year and a half during the Bishop rime: John scares u the man, biting back his envy of the jail term - if only he could have done a little prison time under the communists, he'd be a successful man by now! "He's gOt a good job," he explains, eyes well· ing with admiration. MNow he's a driver for

THE EASTWOOD COROLLARY The Movie About the War

YS. the Movie/ike

War

n the burning sands of a tropical island, two hord.hitting 19805 dromos unfold. Both pit American boys against a teeming communist horde. Both feoture big guns, and lots of them, ond both star tough-os-noils leathernecks who make the world safe for democracy the old-fashioned way. A politicion-oetor who hos costorred with on orangutan gave the green light for one of the projects from the vicinity of Pebble Beach, while a politician and former octo, who once caslened with a chimponzee gave the nod for the olher from Augusta. And both were successes, brought in under budget and on schedule.

the American

embassy,~

IN A FINAL GESTURE OF COLLABORATION,

Kenny agrees to take me to the red·hot epicenter of CIA operations in Grenada - the very house where they live. Nobody, he assures me, knows about this house. We drive south OUt of St. George's, slowing down as we come to Belmont, the suburb where the American embassy commands a stretch of the road, Near the embassy we turn left and drive up the hill, away from the ocean. The road takes us through a few houses and then across a well-grazed field full of sheep. The road ends, Looming off to one side is a lived-in farmhouse to which the field belongs. Were it not for the stunning view of the Caribbean, this could pass for a Victorian farmhouse in upstate New York. "'There it 'tis,· Kenny says solemnly, portentously. "That the big house for the CIA:' A small sign hangs from the wire fence near the house. It reads CHURCH OF )F.sUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS

HEARTBREAK RIDGE

GRENADA INVASION

Producerdirector-dar

Clint Eostwood

Ronald Reagan

Vislan

Marsha Moson, 80 S..enson ond

Mario Von Peebles

George Shulh, Caspar Weinberger lind Vice Admiral Joseph Mm:olf III

Time i" preproduclion

7 weeks

Music comp'Hed by

Lennie Niehous

John Philip SoUR

Spedal efficts

Chuck Gospor

U.s.s. Independence

Prodllction budget

$13 million

$134.6 million

Press aceeIS

Restricted by order of U.s, Morine Corps

Restricted b)' order of U.s, Deportment of Defens.

Dale ofpremiere

December 5,1986

October 25,1983

Running time

128 minutes

216 hours

Casita/ties

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prelliotls failed vehicle

E"err Which WO'y You Con

Bomb-proofing of U.s. embOli)' in Lebonon

Wh"t the rellieu'en said

"The bullets ore reol, men die, ond glory is won" - Tit. H..... Yo" Times

NOT ALlSU(aR AND SPICE

Mt)JI memorable line

"All tight, you deYil dogs, let's toke thot hickin' hill!" -Sergeant Tom Highwo)'

-Tim.

EAT SHIT, COMMUNIST fAGGOT-

groffiti Icribbled by Airborne hoop. - Joltn Brodie

64 SrT AUGUST 1988

I want to explain to Kenny how it's pos· sible for some Americans to anain that dorky, pink·scrubbed gung·ho·ness withOUt necessarily being members of our national securi[}' apparatus. You would be amazed, I want to say, but in America, some people are JUSt born that way. IT WAS TIME 10 HEAD HOME. J FELT 1 HAD learned as murh as Grenada had 10 offer, and 1 had the added satisfartion of having raised many, many more qllestions than I co1i1danswer: I spent ten days on the island, longer than Ihe war ilSeifhad laJled-Ihe equivalent ofspend. ing a tWun years in Vietnam. ¥Oil tWn't rome Ollt ofthese places the fame aJ)'Oli went in. I glless I'd say I left a pieff of myselfbehind. On anOlher reporting a.uignment, / found myselfon a flight to Frankfurt, sifling next to a kid from one ofthe u.s. armored divisions stationed near the Czech border. This kid was extrava· gantly proud ofhis unit. Like any other good sol· dier, he achedfor rombat, whirh, ofcourse, is unthinkable in Europe. Then he said the thing he regretled mt)st was that he was bt)rn too late to fight in a real war. HidjuSl mimd it by a roupIe of years, and I could see it pained him. He said a collple ofthe senir>r NCOs in his unil, Ihe men he most looked up 10 in 'ife, had experienced real rombat. They wert, he said with awe, vmrans. Vietnam? No, he lold me, veterans of the War in Grenada. J

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ex and drugs and rock & roll. That was the battle cry of the sixties. There was fighting in the streets. There was dancing in the streets. There was 1968 in Chicago, and, in 1969, Woodstock. jJ The decade that followed celebrated these newly won per路 sonal liberties. Sex and drugs and rock & roll reached their apotheosis in the sev路 enties-a decade most memorable for its recent passing. jJ Now, eight years into the Reagan era, we find that sex and

Richard Nixon appoints Elvis Presley an honorary narcotics agent at the White House on December 21,1970.

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drugs are early casualties of the revolution, victims of the eighties. Somehow, rock & roll has survived. In fact, rock & roll is going strong. Why? Because rock has adapted, matured, changed its tune. Rock has outgrown its rebellious adolescence, and settled, not without some ambivalence, into adulthood. Rock & roll grew up fast in a racy part of town. The early days were full of sex-mad groupies, post·concert orgies and trashed hotel rooms. But those wanton days are long gone. (Aren't they?) The age of decadence is over, and we're all a little relieved. (Aren't we?) Rockers have settled down. They are monogamous. They have families. There is an entire generation of rock & roll kids. We love those kids. We love their names: Dweezil and Moon Ronald Rtagan Unit Zappa, Zowie

p"n~"ts

MicharI

J.,.... w;" •• • wo.d[.. hi, part in a campaign against

Bowie, Ziggy Marley, Blue Allman, Chastity Bono, China Kantner.

drunk driving.

Rock & rollers have faced up to their ... Ex..$cx Pistol Johnny Lydon, no responsibilities in the eighties. No longer Rouen, now lives in L.A. and is longer uniformly self-indulgent, rock- hailed for his decency by Washington ers have become involved in a spectrum Wife Tipper Gore in her book Raising of issues, from the American farm crisis PC Kids in an X-Rtlled Society. toamncstyforpolitical prisoners. Rock- ... Former New York Doll David ersal-eorganizingfund-rdisingevents- Johansen has traded in his halter top rock musicians. in fact, are organizing and lipstick for a dinner jacket and hair golftournaments. The Rock ·'""'--_-"-L_--'-~ gel to become the suave and 'N' Roll CelebrityColfTour- IrSOf>l.r JWcK &llWu. "'M debonair Buster Poindex~ ney is held annually in Cala- "WTTL'" .1' AD.o.w Dou:t....-s ter. basas, California, and this M .. !IIUW..~ • LouReed,inanMTVspot year included RonnieJames JL'f'I'lDIL..,-m TmJlIl.l'/ for Rockers Against Drugs, Dio and members of ~otley ALG.'ST 1.\o$lII: Of" SPY. 0 b s e r v e s .. D rug s ... I Crne. ADclrT10ML WlAIlaI .u stopped ... you shouldn't Rock stars ha\'e become ,.,.,Dm.YSlU'HL"'J "l5 start~ ....ith the steely deupstanding citizens, more meanor .....e know 50 .....ell or less. Consider these facts: from his Honda Scooter commercials. ... Pete ~I Hope I Die Before I Get Old" Yes, rock & roll is downright respectTownshend has a deskjob asan editor at able. This )'ear, TheNnu YOM began rea leading London publishing house. viewing "Popular Music, debating in • The venerable WaU Strut journal re- one issue the fine points distinguishing ports with glee that Frank Zappa is a Pet Shop Boys from New Order and "businessman," involved in a variety of Eurythmics. At the Academy Awards, marketing and high tech ventures. Cher was named Best Actress. Dan • Punk poetess Patti Smith keeps house Rather is a gratifyingly enthusiastic fan; in Detroit. he called up WNEW-FM discjockey Dan

TALKING New York, WALKING New York THE ROCK 'N' ROLL HALL OF FAME MAY MAKE ITS HOME IN CLEVE. LAND, BUT EVERYONE KNOWS THE BIG APPLE IS WHERE IT'S AT. TAKE A WALK WITH US THROUGH THE

STREETS AND CLUBS AND CON· CERT HALLS OF NEW YORK AS WE TOUR SOME OF THE CITY'S LEGEN· DARY ROCK & ROLL LANDMARKS.

SPECIAL

PROMOTIONAL

Neer this past winter and exclaimed "rock & roll forever." Prince Charles hosts annual charity rock concerts in Brit.ain. And every June since 1983, Sotheby's, onc ohhe world's most prestigious auction houses, has hcld rock & roll memorabilia auctions. RollingStone remains the bible ofrock & roll 21 years after its founding. The magazine is, however, no longer an organ of the coulllercullure. Il is now, to use Jann Wenner's phrase, "one of America's leading publications." Where once it gave away a roach clip to charter subscribers, it nowcelebratcs its twentieth anniversary with all the trappings of an est.ablished commercial success. Rolling Stone's "Perception! Reality" ad campaign graphically illustrates the evolution of a culture (Perception-a hash brownie; Reality-a pint of Haagen-Dazs ice cream). Its birthday celebration included a prime

time network television special and its annual awards were sponsored by Volkswagen. Itisclear thal rock & roll is no passing trend. It is all art form with a long and enduring history, and complicated results. Radio today is rich with the classics-vintage stuff from the past, like "$t.airway to Heaven" and "Layla." There's now a Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame and Museum, headquartered in Cleveland; thisyear'sawards dinner was hcld at the Waldorf-Astoria. Thc Hard Rock Cafe chain has served as an unofficial rock & roll museum for years, displaying gold records, instruments, clothing and other memorabilia on the walls of its 13 restaurants worldwide. $lillfun. Foreveryoung. Aging gracefully. And coming to terms with the world. Shall we celebrate rock & roll? Ladies and gentlemen, a special rock & roll promotional supplement,!

LIGHTS OU1;

BIG CITY I

t's late at night. You're sitting alone in the dark and you can't say the situation is en· tirely unfamiliar. The screen lights up and you feel a momentary rush as the title flashes: "Bright Lights, Big City." <ijJ You're hoping the movie will bring back those won· derful, reckless days when you would club· hop till dawn and still opening credits is the first sign that things aren't right, that the movie is somehow manage to not a fond look back at urban disco euphoria but a crude updating punctumake it to your desk ated by a post-new-wave monodrone. Things get worse. Michael]. Fox, before your boss made playing the coke-head lead, is given a proper first name. And this Jamie is his third foray to the seen hanging oUlat ... the Palladium? You're And frankly a little coffee machine. bitter. shocked. But for the invitations to net<ijJ The sound track \\Iorking parties scattered about the 24-hour cash machine, you wouldn't blasting over the know the place still existed. V{hat the

•

WEST The Apollo The.te" 253 West 125th Street: "Sugar Plum Fairy came and hit the streets/Looking for soul fOOd and a place to eat/Went to the Apollo/ You should have seen him go go got They said hey, Sugar, take a walk on the wild side"-Lou Reed, "'Walk Oil the Wild Side" (1972). Tom'. Re.tau,ant, 2880 Broadway at 112th Street: The "'Tom's Diner" Su%anne Vega sings about on her secolld album, Solitude Slanding: "'Oh, this rain/It will continue/Through the morning/As I'm listening/To the bells/ Of the cathedral/l am thinking/Of ),our voice . .. " (1987). Screaming Mimi'., 495 Columbus Avenue at 84th Street: Vintage clothing shop where Cyndi Lauper buys her threads. She's so unusual. B.acon The.te" 2124 Broadway between 74th & 75th StreeU: Just when it looked fike New York would get another world-class discotheque, a bunch of rocalloudmouths came along and spoiled the whole damn thing. Now, when acts like Midnight Oil, Buster Poindexter and the Alarm pray the Beacon, ill-mannered, poorly dressed youths descend on the Upper West Side, loitering in front of sushi restallrants and making i! very difficult to park. China Club, 2130 Broadway at 75th Street: A record biz. hangout where David Bowie, Julian Lennon and other stars sometimes jam.

Strawberry Field., Central Park near West 72nd Street: TheJohn Lennon memorial. The Dakota, I West 72nd Street: Scene of the crime. COMT'MUI:D

Some ........·L...,...SAre Meantlb Last. PickOne.

Oby, here's the list.

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Great Music.

@ Compact Discs. ~ Cockroaches.

Yes, it's an ugly comparison. A disgusting metaphor. But it's a fact that we share our small VIOfld with these odious creatures, and probably will for a long, long time. Great music will always Jive on, but not necessarily

as distortion-free, pnxecred and pure as it should be. that salad bar of old 45's? Because most music still lives in soft, vulnerable, Think arout it. vinyl-y places. not in drainpipes. Yes, if you're betting on constancy, our advice is to go with the indefatigable roach. But don't underestimate the tenacity of the Compact Disc. It's practically indestructible. That's why we've decided to release ~~..J.l--_ ~ some of our best albums on CD. Aeetwood Mac, Van Morrison, Little Feat, Paul Simon, ZZ Top and the ... Grateful Dead. Now Nrm- Mm. TIlt &lbdJ HIPrI 7",.so:. Pufllb residing safe and .It. . ~DRIX~AIENCE: comfortably on II" r.. F.r:ptI'II'K"~ Compact Disc. V_MORRISON

ReplaceYour Records With \v.lrner Bros. Compact Disa;

~tITOLS

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roach. In a pinch he'l ~ eat your shoe polish. Isn't it just a matter of time before he 9.'Orks his way over to

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heck is our hip protagonist doing at such a loser nightspot? You stumble out into the night dazed and disillusioned. You have come to terms with nothing. Your youth seems a distant You begin to wander memory. through the phosphorescent back streets, sear..:hing for the clubs where ),ou once claimed the city as your own. But ther're gone. All of them are gone. And there's no sign that they ever existed. No markers, no plaques of commemoration. It's all just so much real estate. And you feel sick from the discovery. In the da....' lllight, you trudge deject-

Max's Knnsas City 213 Park Av.nu. South 11966-1977): Max's K.n..s City, a two-story rest.urant and bar off Union

Squar.,op.nedIn late 1965 .nd quickly became, In Andy W.rhol's words, "th. ultimate h.ngout." Max's, Warhol recalled, "w.s the .xact plac. where Pop Art and pop U'e came to· g.th.r In N.w York In the slxti.s-t••ny bop,pers and sculp. tor., rock stars and poets 'rom St. M.rk's Place, Hollywood actors checking out wh.t the under· ground actor. we,. an .bout, boutique owners and models, modern clance,. and go·go dancers.v.rybody went to Max's and .verythlng got homog.niz.d th.r.... Lou R.ed played his last gig with the Velvet Underground at Max's on August 23rd. 1970. The New York Dolls p.rform.d there r.gularly. W.rhol and his crew m.d. the back room th.ir clubhouse. Debby H.rry w.itr•••ed th.....

edly across Union Square Park, headed for the former site of Max's Kansas City. As you draw near your despair deepens. Max's is now a deli. A deli! You start to laugh. You laugh so hard you start to choke. You're tired and hungry, but you're aU( of cash. You offer the snarling character behind the counter your sunglasses in exchange for a roll. They're a cheap plastic pair but he takes them. Out on the street you rip open the saran. The first bite sticks in rour throat and you almost gag. You will have to go slowly. An era has passed.

And Max's was the launching pad 'or Sid Viclou.' aborted comeback. Today, the "rst floor o' M.x·. I••n A.... Code 212 den, an .sr••U-owned con· c.m with ov.r a doz.n loc.tlons throughout Manhat· tan. The second floor is vacant and 'or ...nt. For Informa· tlon, call Sutton W.st Realty at (212) 935·2660.

Hurrah 36 West 66th St....t 11976-1980): Hurrah opened In Nov.mber,1976, and at· tracted a bevy of celebrltle•••uch as Halston. Bianca Jagger and L1za Minneili. When the b_utlful people decamped for StUdio 54 the following year, Hurrah was tran.formed Into one of the nation's first New Wave danceclubs. A long list of leading under· ground artist. per· formed ther., Includ· ing the Lounge Lizards, Philip Gla.s, the Dead Kennedy. and the Psychedelic Furs. The building now hous•• offices

'or ABC T.I.vlslon.

Studio 54 254 West 54th Street 11977.19861: Studio 54 opened in April, 1977, in what was originally an opera house and more recently the television studio for What·. My Line? Run by Brooklyn· bom Steve Rubell, who owned the Steak Loft chain of ,.staur.nt. In the mld.1970., and his partner Ian Schrag.r, the disco became a magn.t 'or the f.mou•• nd would·~ famou., Including Calvin Klein. Roy Cohn and Ellza~th Taylor. Everything was ro.y until a r.ld by the Intem.1 Revenue Service tumed up ca.h·fllied trash

Penthous•• 1965 Broadway between 66th (:I 67th Streets: After Publisher, Editor and Design Director Bob GuccioneJr. refused to turn over control of upstart rock rag SPIN to his father in August, 1987, Bob Sr. gave his son and the SPIN staff 24 hours to vacate the building. M.tropollt.n Opere Hous., Lincoln Center, Broadway at 64th Street: The Who's performance of Tommy at the Met onJune 7, 1970, received a 14minute ovation. It marked the first time a rock band had ever played there, and the last time the Who performed their rock opera on stage in its entirety. Unltel Studios. 515 West 57th Street: At MTY's studios on September 18, 1983, the members of the seminal heavy metal band Kiss appeared for the first time in public without their make·up. Henry Hudson Hote'. 353 West 57th Street: When the Doors arrived in New York in November 1966for their first-ever out-of-town gigs at Dndine, a club on East 59th Street near the Queensboro Bridge, the band checked into the Henry Hudson. Low on cash, Jim Morrison spent many of his afternoons in his room watching soap operas and smoking dope, and occasionally, when he got bored, hanging by his hands from the window ledge.

bags stashed In the basement, financial records hidden behind c.lIlng panels and sever.1 ounces o' cocaine. Convicted o' Income tax eva.ion. the two were s.nt to jaU In 1980 'or a little over a y••r at a mini· mum.securlty prison In Montgomery, Ala· bama. By the time

C.megle Hell. 57th Street &> 7th Avenue: The first rock concerts ever held at this venerable venue were the two shows the Beaties played here 0 the night of February 12th, 1964. Ea stage appearance lasted less than 35 minutes, and over 350 policemen w required to keep capacity crowds rul

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they were rel. . . .d In 1981, they had aold their Interest in Studio, a"hough they remained affiliated with the club for aeveral more years. Rubell and Schrager went on to open the megaclub Palladium and the midtown hotel Morgans. In February, 1988, another Studio 54 opened at the aame location and now attracts a predomi. nantly young His· panic crowd. Rubell threatened to .ue the new ownera, a consortium of back· er. led by Marvin Ginaberg, over the ua. of the name, until he discovered he had no legel right to it.

wilds of downtown Manhattan-a grungy, nondescript lounge that eventu· ally grew to three levels. The Mudd waa a cramped rock club, In sharp con· treat to the other hip nightspot of the day. disco palace Studio 54. While the core group of regulars were area artlsta and rockers. Roy Cohn, Harston and other Studio habitues eventually made their way down to the Mudd. After clo.ing In 1983, the building was purchased by artist Rosa Bleckner. The first floor is currently occupied by B.L. Framea, Inc., a 'reme ahop.

Xenon

Peppennint Lounge

124 West 43rd Street (1D7e·1984): Xenon we. a large, flashy dlaco in the Studio 54 mold opened In a converted theater by Howard Stein. Xenon, dubbed Xerox by some, wes the club people went to when they couldn't eet Into Studio. Stein has alnce opened aeveral more hotapota, Including the Rock Lounge, PrIme Donna and Au Ber. Today Xenon la Shoutl, a club that pleys mualc from the 1950s and 1960a, and Is partiCUlarly popular with folks from outer boroughs.

128 West 45th Street (1981.1982) and 100 Fifth Avenue at 15th Street {1982.1984}: The original Pep, a favorite o' celebri· tiea and rockera In the late fifties and early alxties, wa. one of the flrat clubs in New York to play records rather than showcaa. banda. In the fall of 1981, what had become G.G. Barnum'a, a trans' vestite Hr, wea converted back Into a rock club and renamed the Pepper. mint Lounge. Like Hu"ah, It featured both dancing and live music. The club moved from Times Square In 1982 to 15th & 5th and clo.ed two year. later. The Fifth Avenue location is now a pricey French

MuddQub 77 White Street (1978.1983): The Mudd Club opened In October, 1978, In the

•

eyewear ahop, occupied by Alain Mikli. The Pep's original home has been demoliahed as part the Timea Square redevelop. ment program and i. the site of an office building currently under construction.

Danceteri.a 37th Street at Eighth Avenue 11980·81) and 30 Weat 21at Street 11982-88): Danceterla waa the brainchild of New York nightlife impresarios .11m Fouratt and Rudolf, who were alao behind Hu"ah and the Peppermint Lounge at different times. Like those clubs, Danceteria offered a mix of dancing, live performance and video, and had a variety of different rooma and levels for each. Danceteria waa the city's hot club during the aummer of 1981, but ahut down in the fall after .everal ralda by the State Liquor Authority. Several montha later, Danceteria reopened In the apace of another multi·level club, the ahort·llved Interteron. The club closed In 1986 and was converted Into high-priced office apace. Tenants Include Virgin Recorda; Suaan Crane Inc., a "viaual merchandising" firm; and, on the ground Iloor, Main· apace, a 'urniture .howroom.

Hard Rock Cate, 221 West 57th Street: The McDonald's of rock & roll. Henri Bendel, 10 West 57th Street: Tina Weymouth worked in Bendel's shoe department in the early days,

when Talking Heads was another unknown band playing CBGB's. The Ed Sullivan Thaat.r, 51rd Street & Broadway: On February 9th, 1964, the Beatles gave the first of two live performances on the Ed Sullivan Show. The Fab Four played a total offive songs, three at the beginning of the show ("All My Loving," "Tiff There Was You" and "She Loves You ") and two in the second half ("1 Saw Her Standing There" and "1 Want to Hold Your Hand").

Marriott Marqul. Hotel, 1535 Broadway between 45th & 46th Streets: Every July, during the annual New Music Seminar, the music industry's biggest get-together, more booze is crmsumed at the eighth floor bar at the Marriott Marquis than at any other bar in the hotel chain. Bond'. International C••lno, 1526 Broadway at 45th Street: The Clash were quite pleased when their eight shows at Bond's sold out in the spring of 1981-until a New York City Fire Marshall discovered that the promoter had oversold each performance by almost twil:e the legal ca.pacity, and the band was forced to add seven additional dates to accommodate the spillover. arrant Park, Sixth Avellue, between 41st & 42nd Streets: "1 was walking up Sixth Avenue when Balloon Man blew up in my face/There were loads of them on Bryant Park so 1 didn't ff!el out of place/There must havf! been a plague of them on the TV when 1 came home late/They were guuling marshCONT,,,"ua ..

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Rock, folk, blues and country played the way only Bob Dylan can play them, "Dovvn In The Groove:' Brilliant interpretations of ne.v compositions and legendary standards including "Silvio," "Let's Stick Together," "Had A Dream About You, Batr" and more.

nl Nlw lab Dylan Albill. DI Callilbia Rlcar~l, Camilli AI~ Cllllpact DISCI.

~'. ~.'

Area

malel, proved •• fickle .s Its decor. A new club called 8 2 , d••lgned to appeal to the Wall Str••t crowd, Is scheduled to open sometime soon, Decor will

157 Hudson Str•• t

1'983.'987), Opened In 1983 In a former warehouse bV' Eric Goode, Christopher Goode, Darius AzIIrl and Shawn Hausman,

Include cash machin•• and a BMW.

Are. attempted to stave off stagnancy by redecorating every six weeks

The Sai"t

around a .peclfic th....... Some of the more memorable theme. were "Subur· bla," "The Future," "Food" and "Sex." Area closed because It. cUent••• ultl·

233 Ea.t 6th Street (1980.1988): The Saint open.d ••• private di.cotheque for gay men in September, 1980, In what wa. originally The Loew'. Commodore, an early movie

palace. From 1968 through 1971, the th••'er wa. the

home of Bill

Graham'. Flllmor. E••t. The Saint opened Its doors to the publlc-both straight and gay-for

the 'Irst time In 1985...... y••r, the club became the firs' In the city to

mlllfows and then jumping off the Empire State"-Robyn Hitchcoch, "Balloon Man" (1988). Madison SqUilr. Gard.n, Seventh Avenue at 32nd Street: On June 5, 1974, Sly Stone mllrried Kathy Silv a televised ceremony before the -fta of a sold-out show at the Garden.

Institute .Icoho""" nights for the high school crowd. This y•• r, The Saint was purchased by

davelop.rs, who plan to convert the former club Into a multl-scr••n cln.nuI.

Four months later, Silva sued for divorce, demanding custody of their one-year-old son, Sylvester Bubb Ali Stewart, Jr.

•

ROLE MODELS FOR THE ROCK

ROLL GENERATION

UR VEEJAYS WERE NEVER POSITIONED to becom superstars," recalls John Sykes, MTV's vic president of production and promotion in the early days. "W didn't plan it that way. We were just looking to put a human face on MTV,"

Alan, Martha, Mark, Nina and JJ.- the human sideofwhatEsquirecaffed "not just a television concept but

culturlll revolu-

tion in a contemporary style."

Butsuperstars they became. Three men and two women. JJ., Nina, Martha, Mark and Alan. The Starting Five. Pioneers. Visionaries. Superstars. h all began on August], 1981. The five jocks were cautious. They were trying something unheard of. There were technical hurdles to overcome and skeptics to contend wilh. "Manhattan didn't have [MTV} for a year," Alan remembers, "so we'd walk the streets trying to convince our friends we weren't working on a porno channel. They'd say, 'Oh, cable? Porno, right?' We'd say, 'Oh no, it's a rock & roll channel, really. It's happening. h'll be here soon, I promise.''' And then MTV broke throughbigtime. When MTV went on the air in the summer of 1981, it was carried by

The Ch.I••• Hotel, 222 West 23rd Street between 7th & 8th Avenues: October 11, 1979, Nancy Spungen,

girlfriend offormer Sex Pistol Sid Vicious, was found stabbed to death i her room at the Chelsea. The following day, Vicious was arrested and charged with her murder.

EAST Mimi'. Pizza, 1284 Lexington Avenue at 84th Street: Paul McCartney often sends his limo to pick up pies from Mimi's when he's in town. The pineria becllme hisfavonte in 1967 when then-girlfriend Linda Eastman, now Mrs. McCartney, was living a block aWIlY at 140 East 83rd Street. The Gr•• t Lawn, Central Park:

Diana Ross'free concert in the park in the summer of 1983, organized to raise money for a children's playground to be built in her name, WIIS marred by rain, violence and mind·boggling excess. The original concert was staged on July 21, but was aborted after only a few songs due to a downpour. As the crowd dispersed, gangs of youths went on a rampage, robbing and assaulting concert-goers. The -fhow was restaged the following evening, with a heavy police presence. CONTINUaI'

....

~s.

illK 1ce.

â&#x20AC;˘

' A.

-, .

SPECIAL

PROMOTIONAL

300 cable systems reaching only 2.5 mil- shove. Nter leaving, they all moved to liD n households nationwide; by the end Los Angeles to pursue brand new caof] 983, MTV was available to more than reers. Theyget logetheron occasion, to J 7.5 million homes on some 2,000 cable talk about old times and the future. outlets. And suddenly, the veejays were They have become actors and reporters celebrities. "We arc becoming as popuÂˇ and music directors. Butta us, they will lar as the artists we showcase," Alan mar- always be veejays. The Starting Five. velled in USA Today. ''The fan mail, the Pioneers. Visionaries. Superstars. hundreds of people who turn out at our city-to-city promotions ... and we don't J. J. J A C K SON even provide the music or write the final on-air date-June 9, 1986 songs." But whal were the vcejays really like, John Julian Jackson is a veteran rock as individuals, as human beings? radio jock who began his career at Martha put it mOSt succinctly: If the WBCN-FM in Boston in 1968 before veejays were publications, she would be moving to Los Angeles in 1971. MTV's Teen Beat,JJ. would be the EnC)'clopedia only black veejay ojRock & Rol~ Nina would be Glamour, during his stay Alan would be CQ and Mark would be there,lJ. is fondly CTeem. remembered for Their influence cannot be underesti once having said, mated. 'To the dismay of many moth- 'That was Jackson ers," US observed, Nina's "trademark Browne and this is shaggy locks are being imitated by teen- brown Jackson. " age girls across America," The Daily J J. left MTV afNews noted that "at an Adam Ant COIl- ter management cen there may be scores of [Alan} chose not to renew his contract. He is Hunter clones," The impact they had currently Music Director of and a disc Oil their generation was not unlike that jockey on KMPCFM, an album-oriofanol.herseminal video ensemble, the ented rock station in Los Ang-eles. original cast of Saturday Night Live. Not surprisingly, things got pretty NINA BLACKWOOD heady. Fame came fast and everyone Jinal on-air date-June 15, 1986 handled it differently. "I began to feel like I was driving," Martha recalls, "but Before answering an ad in Billboardthat my wheels weren't on the road. I was led to her job at MTV, Nina lived in Los losing a sense of what's important." To Angeles where she worked as a model put things in perspective, she got "really (she appeared in a Playboy spread in Auimo spiritual things," in particular the gust, 1978), actress (in !.he 1981 hit Vice ""arks of psychic Edgar Cayce. Squad, she played a prostitute who is Ultimately, the veejays were able to murdered in the first fifteen minutes of t6.ke real satisfaction from what they the film), and musician (she per~ were doing, because they believed in formed at nightclubs under the billing the essence of MTV. They were bring"America's Fantasy ing music to the people. They were Harpist~), hreaking important new acts, like the Mter MTV deStray Cats and Duran Duran. And then, clined to renew ofcourse, they were theTVhosts for the her contract in ultimate remale, the event that made it 1986, she moved all worth it-Live Aid. On July 13th, back to L.A. and 1985, they brought the Woodstock of became a rock the eighties into the living rooms of reporter and beAmerica. hind-the-scenes inBut after a while, truth be told, it all dustry analyst for Entertainment Tonight became rather routine. The novelty and Solid Gold. She had a cameo in the wore off. ''When you do it for such a film &tbay, directed by Sondra Locke long time," Alan admitted shortly be- (Clint Eastwood's spouse), and cofore he left MTV one year ago, "it's dif- starred in the made-far-television movficult sometimes to get up and go ies Rock & Roll Mom and Revenge oj the through it." It was time to move on. To StepJl)Td Wives. Nina has also made guest Lry new things. To grow. appearances on such television shows as The original five veejays are no longer Its Your Move, on which she played herregular fixtures on MTV. Some left of self, and The New Gidget, on which she their own accord, others got a gentle portrayed an Australian disc jockey.

The ultimate production cost was $2,5 million (sample outlay-$11,035/or Ross' embroidered gown), leaving the

city with close to $500,000 in expenses and nothing/or the playground, Sotheb,'s, 1334 York Avenue at 72nd Street: The austere auction house takes bids on Elvis Presley's underwear,jimi Hendrix's doodles and othtr rock & roll treasures every June. The Plaza Hotet, 5th Avenut at 59th Street: In February, 1964, the Plaza's staff was taken by surprise when the hotel was besieged by thousands of screaming teenagers eager to catch a glimpse of the Beatles, who had reserved rooms weeks in advance under their individual names, Roiling Stone, 745 Fifth Avenue between 57th & 58th Streets: jann Wenner moved the bible of rock & roll from San Francisco to this swanky address in 1977 when New York City was teetering on the bn'nk 0/ bankruptcy. Queen.boro Bridge, 59th Strtet at

Second Avenue: Fedin' groovy with Paul and Artie, 53rd Street and Third Avenue: The

scene of the crime in Rod Stewart's tale ofgay-bashing, "The Killing of Georgie (Part I) " (1976): "The ambulance screamed to a halt at 53rd and Third," 47th Street and Lexington Avenuel

"I see your teeth flash/jamaican hOlleJ so sweet/Down where Lexington cro" 47th Street/She's c big girl, she's stclldillg 6 foot 3/Turning tricks for tilt dudes in the big city "-Elton John, "Island Girl" (1975), CONTtNUI.O

I-

...... L----:::-c::=-:c=----l fLASHPOINT

MELISSA ETHERIDGE

Wor-ld beat wonders whose burning

" ... Meli'Ssa Etheridge is the ..ost vi tal new vocal 1st in rock 'n' ('011. n -The New York

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On Island Records, Cass@ttli!s and COlllpact Otscs

Musician

SPECIAL

MARTHA

PROMOTIONAL

QUINN

MARK GOODMAN

final on·air date-December 31, 1986

ljinal on-air dale-July 5, 1987):

wFor something to take me away from MTV, ~ Martha told The Chrulian Science MonilorinJune, 1986, "it would have to ofTer me more-and MlV offers me so much right now, I don't know what that would be." Six months later, MlV refused to renew percol1tractand Martha found herself jobless for the first time since graduating from New York University five years earlier. As an undergraduate, Martha ma,-----,=c---, jared in broadcast journalism and hosted a show on WNYU·FM, the campus radio station, underthealias "Tiffany. M While she was a student, Martha appeared in over a dozen television commercials for such products as Hallmark cards, Clearasil acne-pimple medication, Campbell's soup and Country Time Lemonade, In one par· ticularly memorable spot for McDonald's, she predicted, "You'll go nuggets for McNuggets!M InJuly, ]981, two months after graduating, Martha was working part time as an ID card checker atan NYU dorm and .filing records at WNBC-AM when she heard that something called Music Television was looking for "video jockeys. MShe auditioned wearing a shirt that declared "Country Music Is In My Blood. MWithin days she was on the air. After she was "pushed," as she puts it, from her job at MTV, Martha moved to Los Angeles to break into acting. She landed a few television roles, including an episode of Fame and a cable special with former Pizza Hut spokesman Rich Hall. She also hosted an installment of the post:Joan Rivers !Au Show on the Fox Broadcasting network and filled in for Casey Kasem on the syndicated radio countdown program, American Top 40. Recently, she joined ex-Olympian Mitch Gaylord as co-host of Fan Club, a syndicated television series about celebrities for teenagers. In 1986, Martha was immortalized by Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper in their underground smash "Stuffin' Martha's MufTin~ (sample lyric: wMusic Television should be covered with jism~). Coincidentally, Mojo has gone on to do promotional video Spots for MlV and was recently a guest host at MTV's "Spring Break '88" in Daytona Beach.

A graduate of Temple University, Mark began his career in 1975 as a Philadelphia disc jockey at WtJSL-FM. He moved to WMMR-FM, where he met his wife, disc jockey Carol Miller (they're now divorced). In 1980, Mark followed Carol to WPLJ-FM in New York. While still at MlV, Mark got his first taste of acting in 1984, ap- r---,o---, pearing as himself in Mick jagger's feature film Blami! it on the Night. He also appeared as a disc jockey on several episodes of

DOWNTOWN Cinema 14, 133 Third Avenue at 14th Street: "Well they spill out of the Cinemo 14/To that drag bar there on the block/Best live show by far in the whole east coast/With a bank rolled up in your sock"-Tom Waits, "Un;on Square" (1985).

Leisw

Washington Square Park: The New.. h IN York City Parks Commissioner banned'ixt~· o~ I guitar playing in the park in the 3bOn ,. u.

's the f me, Now! gazine so Some

Oni! Life to Live.

Now that he has left MTV, he's taking acting classes in Los Angeles and says he has no interest in returning to radio. He's currently reading a lot of scripts and reports that he's ~up for some really great roles." While Mark thinks his talents may be best suited to comedy, he's not ruling anything out. Ultimately, his goal is to get into film. In the meantime, Mark's departure from MTV was so amicable that he has agreed to appear every so often as a guest veejay.

ALAN HUNTER final on-air date-July 24, 1987

Mter graduating from Millsaps College in Jackson, Mississippi, with a degree in psychology, Alan moved to New York to pursue a career in acting. Before joining MTV, Alan had a small part in Love's Savage Fury, an ABC-TV movie-of-theweek set during the Civil War, and appeared as one of six dancers in the David Bowie video ~Fashion. MShortly before leaving MTV, he filmed an episode of Mike H(lmmeT for CBS and co-starred in Crack in the Mirror, an unreleased film about cocaine in which he plays the best friend of actor I director Robby Benson. Alan now lives in Encino, California, with his wife Jan and their two-year-old son Dylan, where he is enthusiastically pursuing a career in acting. According to his agent, he's currently reading a lot ofscripts and is "up for some really great roles. ~

summer of 1960, but backed down after protestingfolkies picketed his office and home. Electric: Lady Sound Studios, 52 West 8th Street: Jimi HeJ1drix's custom-designed studio opened on August 26, 1969.

CBOB, 315 Bowery at Bleecker Street: The club that launched a thousand bands-Talking Heads, Blondie, the Ramones, Television and Patti Smith, to name afew-celebrates its 15th anniversary this coming December. In a city where clubs come and go more frequently than George Steinbrenner hires and fires managers, that's no meanfeat. Gerde's Folk City, 11 West 4th Street: Nineteen-year·old Bob Dylan made his New York debut at Folk City on APril 11,1961, openingforJohn Lee Hooker. Weinstein Center for StUdent L1ving,5 University Place: Rick Rubin operated DefJam, the burgeon_ ing rap and metal label, aut of his NYU dorm from 1984 through 1985. 9th Street & Third Avenue: GuitaristJohnny Ramone was beaten by another musician, Seth Macklin, in a

coNT'NUID

eQause t at refres es. Leisure time is a lot less leisurely than it used to be. Sixty-hour weeks don't leave much room for rest and relaxation. But the harder you work, the more you need play. It's the fme art of relaxing in the '80s. Na wonder nearly 25 million people find People magazine so refreshing. Somehow, there's nothing more interesting than a

human interest story. Fools and geniuses, originals and fakes: we truly are a fascinating species. Which is why, week after week, so many People readers keep coming back for more. People advertisers, too. After all, our readers are young, educated and merrily spending almost half a trillion dollars every year. And when they read People, they're not thinking about work or worrying about the stock market. They're simply having fun. Which a lot of very serious advertisers fmd to be quite refreshing.

Nothing grabs people like

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SPECIAL

PROMOTIONAL

and the envelope,

1979 Best Rock Vocal Performance, Female

"Hot StuIT," Donna Summer Best Rock Vocal Performance, Male

"Gona Serve Somebody," Bob Dylan

SUPPLEMENr

HE GRAMMVS WERE OVER 1WENTY YEARS OLD BEFORE THE NATIONAL Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences gOl hip to whal was going down and recognized rock & roll as a distinct entity. And lhat wasn'l umi11979. Of course, that was lhe same year disco was given its own award, but mercifully "Besl Disco Recording" was discontinued the following year. @ Since then, a wide variety 01 new categories has been added. For 1988, new categories will include Best Rap Performance, Best Hard Rock/Metal Pecfo,mance and Best Blueg,"" R~ cording, Vocal or Instrumental. And we already have awards for soul gospel, reggae, polka, Lalin pop and new age music. Not thal we haven't paid a price for this new ecumenical approach. Now lhe annual ceremony is interminable-longer lhan the Oscars, il seems. We si llhrough hours ofobscure presentations when all we reallywantisaglimpse of Bono's passion and WhilIley'swardrobe. @ The new Grammy Awardsintroduced by year, and the vel) memorable, very special charter winners, are:

LEA

Best Jazz Vocal Performance, Male

"An Evening with George Shearing and Mel Torme," Mel Tonne Best Jazz Vocal Performance, Duo or Group

"Route 66," The Manhattan Transfer

Best Music Video, Long Form

"Duran Duran," Duran Duran 1984 Best Reggae Recording

"Anthem," Black Uhun! 1995

1983

Best Rock Vocal Performance By a Duo or Group with Vocal

Best Gospel Performance, Female

"Heartache Tonight," Eagles

"Ageless Medley," Amy Grant

Best Rock Instrumental Performance

Best Gospel Performance, Male

Best Contemporary Composition

"Walls of Glass, " Russ Taff

"Rockestra," Wings

Best Gospel Performance By a Duo or Group, Choir or Chorus

"Lloyd Webber: Requiem," Andrew Lloyd Webber

Best Disco Recording (suspended in 1980)

"I Will Survive," Gloria Gaynor, Dino Fekaris & Freddie Perren Best Jazz Fusion Performance, Vocal or Instrumental

"8:30," Weather Report

Best Soul Gospel Performance, Female

"Down to the Moon, M Andreas Vollenweider

"We Sing Praises,M Sandra Crouch

James Mallinson

"I'll Rise Again," AI Green

"Michael Nesmith in Elephant Parts," Michael Nesmith

1986 Best New Age Recording

Best Soul Gospel Performance, Male

Video of the Year (suspenihd in 1983)

"70 Years of Hits," Frank Yankovic

"More Than Wonderful," Sandi Patti & Larnelle Harris

Classical Producer of the Year

1981

Best Polka Recording

Best Soul Gospel Performance By a Duo or Group, Choir or Chorus

"I'm So Glad I'm Standing Here Today." BobbyJones Best Latin Pop Recording

"Me Enamore," Jose Feliciano

Best Contemporary Folk Recording

"Tribule to Steve Goodman," Hank Neuberger, A1 Bunelta & Dan Einstein (Producers) Best Musical Cast Show Album

"Follies in Concert," Thomas Z. Shepard (Producer) 1987

Best Traditional Blues Recording

"On Broadway." TilO Puente and His Latin Ensemble

Best Album of Original Instrumental Background Score Written for a Motion Picture or Television

"Alright Again," Clarence Galemouth Brown

Best Mexican/American Performance

"The Untouchables," Ennio Morricone

Best Jazz Vocal Performance, Female

"Anselma," Los LoOOs Best Music Video, Short Form

Best Country Vocal Performance, Duet

"Gershwin Live!," Sarah Vaughan

"Girls on Film/Hungry Like the Wolf," Duran Duran

~Make No Mistake, She's Mine" Ronnie Milsap and Kenny Rog~rs

Best Tropical Latin Recording

1982

won't like.

,no

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h the • • elbuma h • • • alrong voice pillvldue, end Intelligent.

apeeks with depth. humor end aoul. Vou me,. not like the• • elbums. You mey love them.

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PEOPLE who WORKE ,

You can see all the stars

as you walk down Hollywood

Boule-

vard/Some that you recognize, some that

SUFFERE

and

and STRUGGLE

fior FAM

ccording to the Holly wood Chamber 01 of/People who worked Commerce, "to be hon· ored with a star on and suffered and struggled Hollywood's Walk 01 for fame/Some who sueFame, the world's mOSI famous sidewalk, is a ceeded and some " tribute as coveted and who suffered in vain. sought after as any of _"CtU.L'WIUHnWF,S"RvR.o,vOMlf,SorTHf:KJ"..,; (t972) th e en terta i n me nl industry's equally prestigious awards-including the Oscar, Emmy GrammYI Golden Mike or Tony." The Walk of Fame, the Chamber reports, is one of the city's "most widely seen tourist attractions.~ That's "seen," mind you, not "visited." Butthen, how can you miss it? There are over 1,850 stars on the Walk. Elvis has a star. Tina Turner has a star. Bill Haley has a star. Ray Davies does not, but he's in good company. The Beatles, the Stones, Dylan-no stars. Of course, who are they compared with the Bee Gees and Billy Vera? Here's a lisl of the rockers who've got one and where you can pay your respects. you haven't even heard

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/500 North

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6920 Hollywood Blvd.

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6616 Hollywood Blvd.

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streetfight 011 August 15, 1983. RamOlle was rushed to the hospital for emergell<'Y brain surgery. St. Marks Bar & Grill, St. Marks

Place and First Avenue: The pub where the Stones shot their video for "Waiting on a Frierld."

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Uptown Platform: The statio" where Billy joel shot the cover for his Turnstiles U' (1976). The Public Theater, 425 Lafayette Street: Hair, the first hit rock musical,

opelled at the Public orl October 17, 1967. After it was properly sanitited, it moved to the Biltmore Theater 011 Broadway 011 April 28, 1968, where it rail for 1.729 perfonnances. Trash and Vaudville, 4 St. Marks

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I I

It's Better to Burn Out Than to Fade Away With each passing year, scores of one time rock & roll heroes fade away into oblivion. Just take a minute to think back to those glory years of the seventies. Whatever happened to Peter Frampton, Looking Glass and the venerable Three Dog .Night? And, more recently, what about The Knack? And Adam Ant? Who knows? More important, who cares? ill What we care about are those rock & rollers who lived on the edge. The ones who courted danger. The ones who choked on their own vomit. ill We're talking about the ones who died. ill We counted 55 rock & roll stars who have died. We're sure there are more. As Jim Carroll sang in 1980, "They're all my friends, and they died." ill Whatever the cause or place of the deaths, their music lives on. Unfortunately for some, but thankfully for most. And thankfully, too, we believe: "Hey hey, my mylRock & roll can never die" (Neil Young,1979).

._,

DETAILS

.lohnny Ace

DATI:

~Pledging

Dec. 2<1,1954

Mylo\'c~

AD'

(1955)

OF DEATH

"""',

CAUSE

Houston, Te=

Ace. an early r&b Slar from ~1emphis. shot himsclfin the mouth with a .22

revol\'er. appa.rclllly while playing Russian roulette, backstage al the Cit)' Auditorium during a Clu;stmas E\'c coneen.

24 Macon,

Duan. AII.,..n

The Allman Brothers Band

"Blue Sky~ (1972)

Oct. 29, 1971

Florence Ballard

The Supremes

"Baby 1..0\'1:" (1964)

Feb. 22, 1976

Detroit, Michigan

Ballard died destitute of a hean attack.

".rc Bolan

T. Rcx

-Rang a Gong (Gel il On)· (1971)

Sept. 16, 1977

••

London, England

Bolan was killed ""hen the car dri\'en by his girlfriend, American soul singer Gloria Jones. stnlck a lree.

.ohn

Led Zeppelin

"Whole Lotta Lo\'e~ (1970)

Sept. 25, 1980

Windsor, England

Bonham, Led Zeppelin's drummer, asphyxiated on his own vomit after falling asleep in a state of $C\'cre intoxication al the home of bandmale Jimmy Page.

Bonham

......y

"mett. Hany Chapin

Georgia

Johnny Burnelle '"You're SiXI«:U" Aug. I, 1964 Rock & Roll Trio (1960) "Cal'S in the Cradic· (1974)

Jul), 16, 1981

Allman lost control orhis motorcycle \~hile trying to avoid a collision with a traClortrailer truck. He died three hours latcr on au operating table at Middle Georgia Hospital.

Burnette. a rockabill)' pion«:f. drowned in a boating acdd<'";l\t. Jericho, New York

Chapin suffered a massi\'e heart :ut.ack ...nen his car W'dS st.ruek b)' a traclor-trailer ltUCk on the Lollg Island Expressway.

DETAI~S

.A"D

Edell. Cochran

•m

~ummertime

April 17, 1960 21

.G•

Blues· (1958)

-You Send 1\.lc· (1957)

SlIm Cook.

Joy Division

Dec. II, 1964

29 Los Angeles, California

01'

DEATH

G:AUU

Cochran. a rockabilly star.Was speeding tOl<loards Heathrow Airport when his limousine blew a lire and slammed into a lamppost. He suffered sevcrc head injuries and died within a few hours. Fellow passenger Gene Vincent broke several ribs, his collarbone and his leg. Cooke alk-gedly anempted to sexually assaull a )'()Ung woman named Elisa Bo)'cr in a motel room III LA. After Borer escaped .....lth most of his clothes, the half· naked Cook(' ga\'e chase. He broke dOI<l'll the door of the 5~)'ear-old motel manager. Bertha Lee Franklin, who shot him three times with a .22 pistol and then beat hIm wilh a heavy walking Slick.

Natchitoches, Louisiana

On the way to a concert. Croce died when his chartcred plane crashed into a tree on take-ofI.

-Love Will Tear May 18, 1980 Us Apart- (1980)

Macclesfield. England

Curtis. lead singer of the British cull band Joy Dh'ision, hung himself only c1ars before the Slart of the band's flrsl U.S. tour.

Dec. 20, 1973

Los Angeles, California

Darin died of cardiac arrest on the operating table after yean of hean illness.

-Mack the Knife- (1959)

Bobby Darin

""'" London, England

~nad, Bad Leroy Sept. 20, 1973 Brown- (1973)

"Im CroG:e

Ian Curti.

.rr

ca.•• Elliott

The Mamas and The I)apas

London. England

Mama Cass died in a friend's apartment, reponedly afler choking on a s;j,ndwich.

h'er

April 14, 1983 29 The Pretenders MS lOp Your Sobbing· (1979)

London, England

Bass player Farndon. who had leflllle Pretenders in June of 1982, died ora drug O\'crdose and apparent heart attack.

Famdon

-Monda)' Julv 29, 1974 Monday- (1966)

S'eve aai".e L),nyrd Skynyrd "Sweel Home

Oct. 20, 1977

28 Gillsburg,

Alabama" (1974)

"I Heard It Through the

Marvin GaV.

Mississippi

April I, 1984

Los Angeles, California

On the eve ofllis 45th birthday. Cafe was shot to dealh by his father after a heated argument at his parenlS' home.

ArlinglOn. Virginia

George died from a heart attack brought on by drug abuse and OOCSII)' the day afler he performed at George WashinglOn l:lli,er· sity III D.C.

Grapcvine~(I968)

Lowell

0...,..

Little Feat

'1lbde Chicken" June 29, 1979 (1973)

Lynyrd Sk)11yrd was beginning an extensh"e national tour when its prnoate plane crashed mto woods 200 yards from an open field. Killed in the accident were guilanst Games, ,-ocalist Rollilie Van 7..a1ll. roadie Dean Kilpatrick and backup singer Cassie Gaines, 51('\e's 5.isu~r. MCA qUickly recalled Sk)'nyrd's Slrwl Surviuon: album. released the week before, ",hlch fealUred a cO\'er photograph of Ihe band engulfed in flames.

VENETIANS

THEBlBLE Eureka Want a truly rell,,;

AroazlnB World Australia's Venetians knoW the recipe for great. music: take the essence of great rock, mix it with a dash of wit and an extra

experien ?

punch that'

helping of talent. On

AMAZING WORLD, VenetianS really cook! f'eal:Uring "Bitter 'Thars' BFV41636

"'6'OUS

The Bibl:~ut was produced by new untly singer SIBr teve Earle and n"'.

p_s a

~~ "TheSB';t18f_~,,,

~=;:~~;::==:':.":':::'~~~_J.II"1lI4ii/'Iil,}3 I .. ~;'6 TYKANELSON

RoYal Blue Fin.ailY, ~alty rhaSBLUE amved. ROy1U' is the debut album from 'I'yb Nelson. Call her II. ~\ing n~ talent, or call her a passionate new pre:>enoo, but don't n\i$ her. BFV 4J643

lJt:.l •

L------o

*. -

<::>

•

Chrysalif'!'

.....

SAlID

AndyQlbb

AG•

The Comets

"Shadow

Mar. 10, 1988

Feb.9,1981

55 Harlingen,

~Rock. Around

lile

Clock~

Gibb died atJohn Radcliffe Hospit.al of inflammation of the hearl, allegedly related to extensive cocaine abuse. Haley died from hearr failure at home.

Texas London, England

Hendrix suffocated on his own \'Omit while asleep in the London apartmenl of a friend, Monila Danneman. He died at St. Mary's Abbot Hospital nearby. The coroner reported "ilthalation oh-omll due to barbiturate intoxication,- and the autopsy re\'t~a1ed a -mixture of tranquilizers, amphetamines, depressants and alcohol.-

"Going Up the April 5, 1981 Country- (1969)

Venice, California

Hite died of a drug-induced heart attack.

"That'll Be the Day- (1957)

Clear Lak.e, Iowa

Holly's plane crashed in a cornfield nine miles from Iowa's Mason City Airporr.

London, England

GUilariSl Honeyrnan-5cott Wa! under lreaunent for cocaine addiction when he overdosed on the drug at a pany.

London, England

Less than a month afterJones left the Stones due to -creath-e diHerenc('$,- he drowned in his S\\oimming pool during a party. The coroner termed it "dealh by misadvenlUre.-

Hollywood, California

Joplin was found dead from a heroin overdose l)~ng face down on the carpel in her room at the Lmdmark Hotel.

TheJimi Hendrix Experience

"Purple (1967)

Bob "Bea"" Hit.

Canned Heat

Buddy Holly

The Crickets

Honey........

(1955)

Oxford, England

CAU.

Jlml

......

DETAilS OF DEATH

DATE

Dancing~ (1978)

Bill Haley

.....,.

HOT

Hate~

Sept. 18, 1970

Feb. 3, 1959

The Pretenders "Brass in Pocket- June 16, 1982 (1980)

••

SCott "(I Can't Get No) July 3, 1969 Satisfaction(1965)

BrianJ~

The Rolling Stones

Janl. Joplin

Big Brother and -Me and Bobby McGee· (1971) the Holding Company

Terry Kath

Chicago

-If You Lea\'e Me Jan. 23, 1978 Now· (1976)

Los Angeles, California

Kath, Chicago's guitarist and \'OCahst, shot himself at a pan)' while playing with a gun he told fnends ....' aS unloaded.

......

The Beatles

"Imagine· (1971)

Dec. 8,1980

New York., New York

Lennon was shot St:\'en times ouulde the Dakota by Mark David Chapman, a 25-yearold fan who patiently read Catdlt'1' '" tAt RJI' ....'hile waiting for the police to arriv~.

Ff8nkl.

The Teenagers

"Why Do Fools Fall in Love?" (1956)

Feb. 28,1968

'5 New York, New York

L)'tnon died of a heroin overdose in tbe bathroom of his grandmother's apartment in Harlem.

L.......

L,moo

OCl. 4,1970

Phil Lynott

Thin Lizz)'

"The Boys Are Back in Town(1976)

Jan. 4,1986

London, England

Lynott died of heart failure brought on by drug and alcohol abuse.

Richard

The Band

"Teat'S of Rage· (1968)

Mar. 4, 1986

Winter Park, Florida

Pianist )fanuel hung himself from a shower cunain rod in a motel room while on tour with a reunited version of the Band, minus Robbie RobertSOn.

II.......

PEOPLE

PRO

MOT

WHO 0310

• "ND

DATa

ION

...

SUP

DETAilS

MEN

oEATH

.....C•

CAU. .

Miami, Florida

Marley died of cancer at Cedars Medical Center. He had flo\o\'ll to Miami to visit his mother en route from Germany, where he was being treated for a bmn tumor.

Sept. 23, 1974 24

Hollywood, California

Mcintosh, the band's original drummer, died at a Hollywood party after snorting a mixlUre of morphine and heroin, which be appaftntly thought was COCiline.

The Waiters

MNo Woman, No May II, 1981 CryM (1975)

llelntoeh

Average White Band

Mpick up the Pieces" (1975)

-. "PI_

The Grateful Dead

'"Truckin (1970)

Mar. 8, 1973

San Francisco, California

Pigpt"n, the Dead's keyboardist, died from cirrhosis of the liver brought on by years of excessive drinking.

..--

The Who

"My Generation- Sepl, 7, 1978 (1966)

London, England

Moon died from an O\"erdose of HeminC\'Tin, a sedative used to lreat alcohol withdrawal that he had taken shortly before going to sleep.

..... ..........

The Doors

-Light My Fire~ (1967)

Paris, France

Monison died in his bathtub from what official r«ords repon was hean failure.

-.tbM.rt.y

R_.

...K .......

Rick HelNII

"rry o.kley

The Allman Brothcrs Band

.... oe..

DIve Pr.t...

.....

July 3, 1971

'7ravelin' Man M Dec. 31,1985 (1961)

45 DeKalb,

"Ramblin'Man(1973)

Nov. II, 1972

Macon, Georgia

Oakley's motorcycle collided with a city bus only blocks away from the spot where Duane Allman was ktlled_

"War is Over(1967)

April 9, 1976

Far Rockaway, New York

Suffering from depre!Sion, folksinger Ochs hung himselfat his sister's apartment.

Texas

En route to a New Year's Eve concert in DaJlu, Nelson'S twin-engine DC3 crashed in a cow pasture after a fire broke OUL allegedl)' 5taTted by somt'One freebasing cocainc in the cabin.

The Byrds, The Flying Bunito Brothers

"Hickory Wind M SepL 19, 1973 26 Joshua Tree, (1968) California

Sam and Dave

"Soul Man ~ (1967)

April 9, 1988

Sycamore, Georgia

Prater died in a car accident on the way to visit his mother.

"Heartbreak Hotel M(1956)

Aug. 16, 1977 42

Memphis, Tennessee

After )'ean of drug abuse andJunk food binging, an obese and constipated PreslC)' collapsed while seated 011 the toilet in an upstairs bathroom in Graceland, wearing blue pajamas and reading The Scientific &orchfortkFauof]esw. An hour after he "''35 discovered. he dled at Baptist Memorial Hospital of heart failure. A hospital employee said that he had -the arteries of an 8O-)-ear-old man.-

Panoll.s, a pioneer of country rock, died in a motel room of a suspected drug O\-crdose. $e\."eral da}'S later, his body, en route to New Orleans for burial, was stolen b)' manager Phil Kaufman and returned to Joshua Tree National Monument, near LA According 10 Parsons' wish, the body was cremated in the desert.

NEW YORK NIGHI'S. 1111 INlERNAnoNAL MUSIC FESTIVAL will bring 300 olthe world's most promising bonds to New York City dubs and concert halls July IS-20. Your assignment, should you decide to accept it, is to catch as many ads as you can, and try your ears at picking the stars of tomorrow. We guarantee you won't get much sleep.

The newly re-nomed New York Nights is on established event formerly limited to music business insiders. Forthe first time, we're opening our doors to fans with Q voracious appetite for new music. Post performers include Madonna, Run-D.M.C., the Fabulous

Thunderbirds, The Beastie Boys, Gang of Four, Gene Loves Jezebel, Robyn Hitchcock, 10,000 Moniacs, Shriekback and Suzanne Vega, to name a few.

Our crack talent scouts in the U.S. and abroad are now hard at work scouring every possible source for a roster every bit as impressive. We'll present artists who've climbed the first few rungs on the ladderto stardom

and acts just starting out, running the gamut from straight rock to reggae, metal to rap, hardcore to progressive folk. Ratherthan focus on any musical category, we look for quality, originality, and vision. The plan is simple: your New York Nights club pass ($125, complete) grants you admission to every Festival performance. Admission to all venues is on a first come, first served basis, and, in compliance with the New York State drinking low, some clubs can't odmit you if you're under 21. If you're coming from out of town, American Corporate Travel (1-800-448-9494) can arrange a package that includes ridiculously low priced airfare and hotel with your New York Nights pass. If you live in the tri路state metro area, you can purchase passes by calling . 212-529-9321.

'2.7WDRE

Host Station of New Yarl< NighlS: The Inlemohonol Music. Festival

NEW YORK NIGHTS JULY 15路20! THE

FUTURE

MUSIC

DEPENDS

IT!

THIS MESSAGE WILL NOT SELF-DESTRUCT, BUT YOU ARE ADVISED TO AO IMMEDIATELY!

.....

....

~(Sjttin'

Otis Redding

Dec. 10, 1967

May 14, 1976

..T on)

The Dock of the Bay~

K_.. .

The Yardbirds

Madison, Wisconsin

Redding died en route to a gig when his chartered twin-engine aircraft crashed into icy Lake Monona in a heavy fog. Redding d~ned, as did four teenage members of his touring band, the Bar-Ka}'S.

London, England

The Yardbinb' vocalist ~'a5 c:I~uled while tuning a guitaT at his home.

(1968)

"For Your Lo\-e. (1965)

.t.P. "'BIg

~Chantilly

Oop_

(1957)

Lace" Feb. 3, 1959

28 Clear Lake, lo~

RIchardson

Bon Scott

ACjDC

T..... T......,

Peter Tosh

"Your PTffious Love~ (1967)

The Wailcrs

Bamba~

Ronnie Van Zant

lyn}Td Skynyrd

0'.

The Sex Pistols

Gene VIne_

The Blue

Clerenee

The Byrds

Mar. 16. 1970

~(You Got to Sept. 11, 1987 Walk And) Don't Look Back~ (1979) ~Donna-/"La

Ritchie Velens

Feb, !5, 1959

London, England

Vocalist Scott choked 10 death on his own ~"Omil after a ~on of heavy drinking.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

ThrÂŤ- years after collapsing intO Manin Ga}"(."s arms during a concen, Terrell died ofa brain tumor.

Kingston, Jamaica

Tosh was shot to death at his home during a robbery.

Clear Lake,

See Holly and Richardson. Valens was the oprning act on Holly's tour.

(1958)

-Sweet Home

I~.

Oct. 20, 1977

Gillsburg, Mississippi

See Gaines.

Feb.2,1979

New York, New York

While awaiting trial for the murder of former girlfriend Nancy Spungen, bassist Vicious o"'erdosed on heroin in the apartment of girlfriend Michelle Robinson.

"Be-BoJ>A-lula ~ Oct.. 12, 1971 (1956)

Los Angeles, California

Rockabilly star Vincent died from a bleeding ulcer partly due to alcohol abuse.

"Ballad of Easy Rider- (1970)

July 14, 197!5

Palmdale, California

Guitarist White died after he was strock. doYo'll by a hit-and-run driver.

Up the Sept. !5, 1970 (1969)

Torrance, California

Wilson died from a drug overdose.

Marina del The middle Wilson brother, the only real Rey. California surfer in the Beach Boys, drowned and was buried al sea.

Alabama~ (1974) ~God

Save the (1977)

Queen~

Vicious

Cap'

Wh~.

AI Wilson

"HighwaytoHdl" Feb. 19, 1980 (1979)

Canned Heat

~Going

Country~

hnnls Wllaon

"'eckle Wilson

The Beach Boys

See Holly. The Big Bopper, replaced Buddy Holly's bandmate Waylon Jennings on a chartered flight. When the plane cr.uhed in a cornfield, he died on impact and was thrown 40 rut through the air.

~I Get Around~ (1964)

Dec. 28, 1983

'"Night?"Doggin'Jan. 21,1984 Around~ (19601

39 Cherry Hill. NewJersey

On December 25, 1975. Wilson suffered a hean attack while perfonning in a Dicit Clark. oldies revue at the Latin Casino in Cherry Hill. He lapsed into a coma from which he never recovered and died eight years later.

..,tionof musk: of Old perl<xmed. K....

clones" showontoW: ., SERIOUSANO 1N "'1yl1cs. and the voice of Natalle Men:hInt mite one of the

rock's brightest. newsucc.-stoI'IlS. Featuring "Uke The Vlleather," "What's 'The Metter HeAt?'" and"Hey Jack Kerouac."

we've got the most fashionable new jackets and sleeves ... on Elektra cassettes, compact discs and records. CI \988 B.l........yl<-I-......d'> lo<aRk. 0 0.-01 _

c:...._ _ ""-.â&#x20AC;˘'

"DEEP DOO-DOO"

his month 2,277 distinguished elected S p y " s delegates will meet in the floppy heat of fUNOFFICIALl New Orleons for the Republican National ." a a Convention. They will put on funny hots R G-EI and applaud meanspiritedness and talk B U S . ... seriously about George Herbert Wolker IH IN Bush. But they will most likely not discuss B O O .... et'erytbing about George Bush - they might, for instance, skip over his bipartisan reputation as a lapdog, his prep-schoal-style swearing, his aHection for phrases like the BigMa and the vision thing, his penchant for being photogrophed looking ridiculous in heavy vehicles, his doubly and triply contradictory pronouncements about the Iran-contra scandal and, most recently, his odd misstate-ment that he has "had some sex" with President Reagan. The Republican elders will probably not discuss the fact that George Bush once said, "What's wrong with being a boring kind 01 guy?" But P A U L S L A H SKY will. AUGUST 1988 SPY 97

spv·S

U N O F F I C I A L 19 _ _

C:EOACE

PART I: THE BOY SCOUT WITH A HORMONE IMBALANCE 1. What d;d BUlh diJ dHring hil briif(7 hourJ and 54 minuttJ) tenure al acting jmJifknt while Reagan WaJ having a piece ofhiJ colon

5. Three of thm Jta/tmentJ were

removed?

matil by BUJh during the /980 primaries, Which one did he make during the early days of the /988 campaign?

A. He wuched the Live Aid concert on MTV. B. He reread rhe rhird chapter of Richard Nixon's Six

A. MDo I have a mounting confidence that I could lead? You bet. Would I be a good president? ... I'd be

Crim.

cracketjack~"

C. He slipped and hir his head while playing tennis, then took a nap. D. He called up AI Haig and said, ~Eat your heart out!"

2. Complett BUJh't quote: "/ d<Jn'r comi!kr to be a character flaw,~ A. optimism B. intellecrual honesty C. loyalty D. pandering

uYhatmiJ~"~rionawutmm

again~?

A. That he went to Harvard, not Yale. B. That he was ~a lirde short guy~

C. That he was Jewish. D. That his wife was his momer. 4. How did Jem Jaduon respond aJ

"the

A. He began reminding his audiences that in Doonesbury, Bush is invisible. B. He said Bush's lack of sta· bility suggested he "would be a national risk~ as president. C. He referred to Reagan and Bush as "the simp and the wimp: D. He made fun of Bush for not speaking up in Cabinet meetings, saying, "Picture the scene: Reagan's asleep, and from Bush, not a peep." 98 WY ....UGUST 1988

~I'm

going to be so much bener a president for having been at the CIA that you're not going to believe it." C. "If this country ... ever loses its interest in fishing, we gOt real trouble: D. ~I mean, like, hasn't everybody thought about becoming president for years?"

.AIEFINC

14. What matil BUJh't 1980 Los Angelcs Times interview with

/Wbert !Uheer newlworthy? A. He revealed mat his presidential bid had the enthusiastic suppOrt of The Beach Boys, but he repeatedly called the group "The Beach Guys~ B. He came out very strongly against compulsory air bags in autOmobiles, saying, ~I don't want to back into my neighbor and be engulfed by some damned air bag!~ C. He expounded at length on ~the way you can have a winner" in a nuclear war. D. He used the word momtntum or Big Mo 136 times in me space of a 22-minute conversation.

WHO CALLED BUSH WHAT?

doel Bush say he haJ heard from people "over and over and over

whm Bush referred 10 him hustler from Chicago"?

BUSH

Match the acute observer with his or her Blish description.

6. TV evangelist Pat Robertson 7. GOP analyst Kevin Phillips 8. Former White House spokesman Larry Speakes 9. Former governor Pierre du POnt 10. NewJweek reporter Eleanor Clift 11. New Republic editor Michael Kinsley 12. WaJhingt01l POH editorial 13. Columnist Murray Kempton

A. ~Lackey" B. "Whiny loser"

C. "Perfect yes man" D. "National twit" E. "Boy SCOUt with a hormone imbalance" F. "Ronald Reagan in drag~ G. "The Cliff Barnes of Amer· ican politics - blustering, opportunistic, craven, and hopelessly ineffective all at once" H. "An Ivy League cheerleader, the perfcct gentleman on his way to being the perfect idiot"

BOO_

15. How hal Bush diJtinguished himselfso far in the 1988 race fOr the White HOUle? A. He offended American autoworkers by joking that Soviet mechanics should be sent to Deuoit ~because we could use that kind of ability." B. He offended a group of Hispanic Easr L.A. high school students by telling them they didn't "have to go to college to achieve success. We need the peo· pie who do the hard physical work of our socicty: C. He said mat Dan Ramer ~makes Lesley Stahl look like a pussy.~ D. He grabbed a Kemp flier out of the hands of a teenage girl, ripped it to pieces and cried, "Finis!" E. All of the above

SIP'''

18. To

"America moral viJ OJI' polit. goall )'Ou A.Jerry B. Fran~ C. Mam D. Ed M

16. True or falJe: BUlh't favorite snack iJ mayonnaise spooned right out of the jar. 17. Which of these actual Ita/e· mentJ awut Bush was made by his cousin &y Walker?

19. Thre during th Detroit..

A. "George Bush's entire emotional range, which extends from puppy-dog·like enthusiasm to the habitual politeness of the upper classes, does not include a gram of empathy," B. ~Daddy was a senator from Connecticut. Old money. Old values. Greenwich Country Day School. The son loves to tell how he and his wife packed up their belongings in a car and took off for a new life in Texas. He makes it sound like The Grapes of Wrath." C. "God help us from people who think they are going around exercising their

A. Desp vice I

goodness~

~Bush

always smiles like he's hoping to get a bener grade from a teacher."

pass( Nixo over! what has a gu>" Rea/~

now makl B. Bush Krar work pissE C. Aske lOgS

h,d Busl diffe It·s i D. Bust fer [) CHI

."'''.5

U N O F F I C I A L 19&&

CEORCE

BUSH . . .IEFINC: .OOK.

22. Which htadlint apptartd in The WaU Streer Journal?

faUt: afttr posing jiw phot(Jgraphs in Wanaw with l.«h WaUsa, Bwh wid, tht qlttStion iJ, how many rtiatif/t.J dots he haw in /(lWa? That's lht qnly thing 1 wanl to Imow.~ 20. Trul

o ~ mar

,ld :ause

; of

(}f"

of BllSh's fItnion ofhiJ rok in the /ran-nmlra affair

A. POLL FINDS BUSH ENIGMA TO MAJORITY

B. BUSH, BLUE, BLOOD, TEXAS OIL MAN, WASHINGTONIAN, STILL MUST CONFRONT THE QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU?

21. Which aipttt

rmtains lrVlIDinrnnt to hiJ mlic/?

A.. His insistence that though

ntt

gh, fit-

bis

,. h

C. BUSH, WNG ACCUSED OF

19. Thrtt (Jf thm t1It1IlJ (Jwlrrtd during the 1980 GOP «m1lt11lion in lJftl"()it. Which (Jnt did n(JI? A. Desperate to be picked for vice president after being passed over three times by Nixon and Ford, Bush was overheard to say, ·Gtt, what good people Reagan has around him. These guys are reaUy bright. Really bright.... G()Jh. a new president can really make a difference!" B. Bush told reporter Michael Kramer, "If this doesn't work out, I'm gonna ~ the pissedesr-off guy around~ C. Asked how he felt abour being seleCted only after Ford had fUrned Ikagan down, Bush snapped, "Whar difference does it make? h's irrelevant, I'm here:D, Bush asked reporters to refer to him in headlines ;lS

GHWB.

he knew we were seUing arms to Iran and trying ro gtt back our hosrages, he ncve:r pur the rwo ro~et, despite his attendance at over 30 m~tings on the subject, despite his claim that concern for torcured CIA station chief William Buckley ("I wanted Me. Buckley our of mere") led him to go along with me plan, and despite the existence of documents showing that the Whire House already knew mat Buckley had been !ciUed B. His insistence that he -expressed certain reservations" he cannot reveal, despite rhe existence of memos attesting to his enmusiasm for the plan C. His insistence that he never discussed connaresupply efforts wim contra-aid manager and former CIA agent Felix Rodriguez, despire the exisrence of a memo saying he did D, His insistence that he had no idea Shultz and Weinberger opposed the plan (if he'd known, he says, he probably would have been against it himself), despite his weU-<locumented presence at the meeting where Shultz was said ro have become -apoplectic" in his opposition E. All of the ~ plus tOO many omers ro list

the prtsitlency? A. He theorized thar he finished third in an Iowa straw poU because many of his supporters were otherwise engaged oar their daughrers' coming-out parries~

BEING A WIMp' MAY ACTU-

8, He said the congressional

AllY BE A WUSS

cutoff of aid to the conrtas ·pulis the plug out from under me president of the United Sr:ares~ C. Scoffing at environmentaliSts who had once feared the Alaska pipeline "',"Quld cau~ a decrease in rhe caribou population, he said, ·Caribou like the pipeline. They lean up againsr it, have a lOt of babies, scratch on it. There's more damn caribou than you can shake a stick

D. BUSH. R)RMER GOP CHAIRMAN. FEARS WATERGr\TE DEFENSE OF NIXON MAY COME BACK TO HAUNT HIM

30. H(Jw has Bush diJlinguishtd himstlfS(J far in the 1988 ran jiw

BUSH, ONCE "HYPERKINETIc'" AND "MANIACALlY SYCOPHANTIC: SAYS HE'S MORE RELAXED NOW, HIS

OWN MAN

23. What did Barbara Bush wy bw hMJbanJ wwuJ, IUllhe D«aiion of hiJ 60th birthda, (june 12,

1984), nevw to t4 again?

A, Use the phrase dttp dotHioo in front of a reporter B. Suck up to the far right C. Eat broccoli D. Talk about personal tragedies to convince voters he's nor a wimp

at~

D. He tried to minimize his own high-profile effeteness by calling rival candidate Pete du Pont by his given name, Pierre. E, All of the above

WHO'S WHO IN BUSH'S WORLD Motc:h the colleague or antagonist ot left with hts role in Bush's career at right, 24, Everett Briggs 25. Robert Dol< 26, Reporter

Ken Bode 27, Zeid Bin Shaker 28. Campaign aide Peter Tedey 29. Campaign manager l.<e Atwarer

A, Broadcast cwo-year-old videotape of Bush dismissing Reagan's fiscal policies as ·voodoo economics" after Bush denied he'd ever said it and challenged -anybody ro find it" B. Announced plans to -heavy-up" the con· tent of Bush's speeches C, Former U.S. ambassador to Panama reo ported to have rold Bush about Noriega's drug dealing in December 1985 D. Told Bush on live TV, ·Srop lying about my record!" E, Said, "' don't mink anyone is more plugged in to baby-boomers than George Bush and his wife" F. Jordanian chief of staff who was asked by Bush, leU me, General. how dead is the! Dead Sea?" AUGUST \988 W'Y 99

SPV'S

UI'IOF'-IC:::IAL

31. What is the title of aUlobiography?

Bush~

A. Unleash the Tiger B. The Big Mo

C, Looking F01'Ward D. Past Passive E. The Vekro Vice Presidmt 32. "Boy!" Bush once said, "I'm glad lhal lhing's Oller. 1 dfJ"t need any more o/lhal.- What was he referring to?

A, The 1984 debate with B.

C. D.

(;eraldine Ferraro The Dl)()ne.rbury series about him putting "his manhood in a blind trust" The flap about where he stands on oil prices The booing he received while making a speech on AIDS, which prompted him to wonder aloud into an open mike. "Who was that, some gay group out there?" The 1980 New Hampshire debate in which he sulked silently aftet Reagan invited four other GOP candidates to their intended one·onone enCounter

33. What made Bush fit! Sf) Jqueamish lhat he had Reagan call his mother to tell her it was all righl? A. His tie-breaking vote in the Senate to resume production of nerve gas B. His unsupported claim that Mondale had maligned the murdered Marines in Beirut by saying they "died in shame" C. His defense of Reagan's veto of the Grove City, Pa., civil-rights bill D. His suppOrt of Reagan's trip to Bitburg E. His lobbying Labor Department officials to relieve management of the obligation to ventilate toxic gases from workplaces, suggesting that workers use personal respirators (which are much less effecrive) instead 100 SPY AUGUST 1988

'S&&

CE:OnCE

BUSH

. n l E : ' - I I ' I C BOOM,.

SPV

41, Which ofthe.re events in Bush's vice presidency didn't ()C(ur unlil his strond term?

43, What crowd of i Democrats them IaUgi

PART "1= IT'S THE EXCESSIVE TAIL-WAGGING THAT GRATES 34. Bush did three 0/ these things during the tkbate with Ferraro in Philatklphia. Which did he ckJ elsewhere on the 1984 campaign trail?

A. He talked about how pes· simistic Mondale was and said, KI mean, whine on, harvest moon!" B. He waved his arms a lot and at one point stopped himself from criticizing Mondale, saying instead, "1 gotta be careful here." C. He held up his wallet and said, "Do you know what wins elections? It's who purs money inw this and who takes money our." D. He delivered a glowing review of a Reagan meeting with Gromyko: "I wish everybody could have seen that one - the president, giving me facts w Gromyko in all of these nuclear meetings. Excellent, right on top of that subject matter. And I'll bet you that Gromyko went back to the Soviet Union saying, 'Hey, listen, this president is calling me shors. We'd better move:"

36. Three o/lhese SlalementS about working for &agan were matk by

Bush. Which one was made by Al Haig? A. 'There's no difference between me and the presidem on taxes. No more nitpicking. Zip-a·dee-doo·dah. Now it's off to the races." B. "My position is like Ronald Reagan's. Put that down, mark it down. Good, you gOt it." C. "I'm for Mr. Reaganblindly." D. "When 1 disagreed with him, he heard it ftom me. I didn't sit there at his side to say 'yeah' to every cockamamy idea that came before the president and then claim I didn't know about it afterwards unless it was a winner."

FIGHTING THE WIMP FACTOR.

C. Batbara Bush called (;eraldine Ferraro a name that, Mrs. Bush said, "rhymes wim rich." D. He went to the Philippines and told Ferdinand Marcos, 'We love your adherence to the democratic principle and to me democratic ptocess." 42, Which of there actual state-

ments awut Bush was made oy his lisler, Nancy Ellis? A. "Anybody who has to spend all his time demonstrating his manhood has somehow gor to know he ain't gOt it." B, "Poor George is hopelessly inarticulate. He never finishes a sentence or PUtS in a verb." C, "(;eorge Bush has been a real sit-down guy." D. "It takes eleven hotHS to get (;eorge ready for an off·the-cuff remark."

35. What did Bush say he was

"catching the dickens from friends· about? A, Refusing to admit that his

position on abortion was ever different from Reagan's B. Failing to prevent the plan w swap arms for hostages C. Submitting his urine for drug testing D. Inviting Oliver North and John Poindexter to his Christmas party E, Claiming to be a Texan al· mough he was born in Massachusetts, grew up in Connecticut, lives in Washington, nc., and pays taxes in Maine

A. He complained that he had been "singled our~ and "taken to the cleaners" after an IRS audit disclosed he owed $198,000 in back taxes and interest. B, Newsweek tan a cover story on him with the cover line

A. He tol time t Bush, before word, work B. He to Bush': effort appe: C. He r( Schrc Bush male "peol need D. He cl phot whic c1im! oper pass driVl phol 44. Thl matk b; his not~ VieW WI

hemak bate WI A. "I n nig B.1> gl. C. "Yo Cit D. "W

Match the columnist at left with his Bush dog metaphor at right.

37. Richard Cohen 38.]ody Powell 39. Mike Royko 40. George Will

A. "It's not the fetching and heeling but the excessive tail-wagging that grates." B. "{Bush] has the look about him of someone who might si( up and yip for a dog Yummie." C. "When he talked about Reagan, he sounded like some wacky lady singing the praises of her dumb poodle: D. "The unpleasant sound emitting from Bush as he traipses from one conservative gathering to another is a thin, tinny 'arf-the sound of a lapdog~

45.

gm u

ticket A. ~B B. "B C. "B

D. "e 46.1 livm lhe L dalS dime

Ole.

S""'S UNOFFICIAL la&&

43. whaJ did]wtJIKiut»t"" a crowd D/ hig-IM",e Saft FrandKo [)nnotTab ahollt BlIlh tbar matk them lallgh wry hard? ~rs"

CEORCiliE

47. How haJ RMgan mntrihMted

lD 8,uh'; 1988 (ampaign effiwt? A, Asked co give an example or CWO of Bush's involvement in policy decisions, he replied, "I can'c answer in that context." 8. He said he thoughc the beSt prepatation for the presidency was being a governor. C. Even afcer Bush had mathematically clinched the nomination, he delayed endotsement, saying he was waiting until he was sure no one else was getting into che rac~ D. When he finally did endorse him, he mentioned his name only twice, once mIspronouncing it [0 rhyme with CTlim. E. All of the above

A. He told them abouc the dme back in 1980 when Bush, catching himself just before blurdng OUt a bad word, said, ''I'm gonna work my, uh, neck off: 8. He told them about how Bush's staff hilM in irs effon to get him a cameo appearance on Miami Viet. C. He repeated Pat Schroeder's theory thar Bush 'WOuldn't choose a fe· male running mate because Mpeople would say, 'We n~ a man on the ticker.' M D. He described a recent photo opportunity in which Bush, invited to climb into a gleaming, 48, Whar waJ BUJh'J 1980 prtJiopen Jeep, sat down on the denrial tampaign Jlogan? passenger side, leaving the A. "Go for lr!M driver's seat empty and photogtaphers bewildered. B. MI'm One of You" C. "A President We Won't 44. Thrff I{ thtJt Jrattmn/lJ wtr't 8 Have to Train ",1tIk by BMsh wiJhin 24 MllrJ of D. MUp for the Eighties!M

noIonoliJ Janllary

A. "} need combat pay for last night, I'll tell you:"' B. "The bastard didn't lay a glove on m~M C. "You know, it's Tension City when you're in there." D. "We cried to kick a little ass last nighc:"'

45, What did Mario Cllama JllggtJt wollld he fhe weaktJr GOP ricker in 1988? "Bush "Bush -Bush MBush

and and and and

.RIEFINC BOOK

....1tT IV, A SCIM1lL1A1lNG _

0/ JINM tJt4mp/n 0/ rM BIIJh wit iJ atJually fllnn)?

51. Whith

A, MI have opinions of my own -strong opinionsbut I don't always agree with them." B. Mrm Georgt' Bush. You die.

1 f1y.:M C. MA recent poll tells why the people of New Hampshire are supporting Geo~ Bush. Forty percent like my foreign policy. Forty percent support my eco· nomic policy, And 20 percent believe I make a good premium beer: D. His comment, following the disclosure of Ferraro's finances, that Mit looks like Edich and Archie have turned ouc to be Pamela and Averell Harriman, aahling~

E. None of them

Robenson" HatchM Helms" Bush"

46. Trlle ()r falit: while BIIJh delhvrd rM rommtnetmtnr Jpt«h ro the Uniflmiry af New flampJhirt'J dalJ of 1987, JrutknrJ in rhe au· dimet engaged in rquirr·gun fighrJ,

49. Trllt or falit: Blish tkliwrrd

rM keynote Jpt«h at a IribNte lD rM lart Manchester Union Leader ediror Wil/iam Loth-a Jpttth in whith he readawud many ofUitb'J mOlt vifrio/ic alllKkJ on him.

53. CAmpute thi; JtaJmmr ",ade by BNJh af fht Dtttmhtr 1987 al/· (andiaattJ debate an NBC: "To hear Jlme gllyJ wringing their hantiJ alxJllt tfltrJthing king wrong with JhiJ ((Jllnf", I'm .wrry, I jllJJ am al/ tkprwui, wanr 1# Jluitrh flfItr lD

A. something funny, maybe Suzanne Somers in ShlJ Jhe

Sheriff, something like that 8, Jake and rhe Farman on CBS C, if any of che local stations are rerunni ng KingJ Rbw D. The WillDn Norrh Reporr, but Fox delayed the premiere 54. CAmpuIt BIIJb'i oft-reJ-ted catrhphrait: -If JOM wall:. likt a dllt!, and JOII qllaeJ:. /ikt a dllck, and Jay JOII'rt a Jlltlt, JOII're~· A. all wet B. a mighty strange dude, I'll tell ya C. a duck D. ~mela and Averell Harri· man, aah/i71g

A. B. C. D,

Frank Sinatra Bruce Spri ngsteen Michael Jackson Whitney HoustOn

56. Whith of rhtJt ohJtrflafiofU altoMt Bllm waJ ",atk by hi; JWer, Nanty Ellu?

50. WhkhdtKTiptionD/Bllm waJ voIllnIHrtd by hiJ wife? A. MHe doesn'c have the courage of his convictions:"' B. 8He's the besc vice president in our history:"' C. MHe was che handsomestlooking man you ever laid your eyes on, bar none. I mean, my boys don't even come close to him, nor did his own brothers. I really like him very much:"' D. "Hardly a week goes by without a shot of him grinning or pointing stupidly at something, Your heart goes OUt to him."

OF nUDW

55. who told rhe aNdima aJ an April 1988 tonmJ in New York, -Don't IIOlt jw Jhar fNtl:.in BIIJh~

/988 inrer-

virw wirh Dan RaJhtr. Wbi(h did M make rM day after hiJ 1984 tkbare wirh Ferraro?

A, B. C, D,

.USH

52. After Jptnding 16 manthJ aJ enwy fo China, whar did BUJh reply when aJktd ifhidbada thanet lD metr any rf tM I«all*pk? A. "Jillions!M B. "Oh, ~. They gave us a boy to play tennis with:"' C, "No, but 1 sure love their

food." D, "It wasn't thac easy. You know, the language ching."

A. -He isn't quick on his lttt. He tends to replace thinking about what to do next by working harder at what he's already doing." B. "He doesn't understand the role of issues in politics." C, MHe reminds every ,,'oman of her first husband:"' D. "I think Geo~ would be marvelous with the poor. ... 1 didn't mean [0 say he<J be as dedicated as, say, Ted Kennedy, Buc, really, he'd be marvelous: AUGUST Ins Sf'Y IOl

5iPY"S

U"Ic:aF"F.C:::::.A.L

57. How did Bush respond when Ai Haig asked him at a debaft, "Wert you in the cockpit, or were you on an economy ride in the back of fhe planer when the decision to sell arms to Iran was made? A. "I told you where 1 was, AI, and if you weredt such a head case, you'd remember. I was off at the Army-Navy footbaU game, out of the loop." B. "What's your point, AI? That you want to do an· Other rehash on this? You want to do a whole Doonesbury kind of number, is that it?" C. He boasted about his an· titerrotism report until the clock ran out, then chirped, "Time's up!" D. "Planes, yeah, let's talk about planes. Let'S talk about a 20·year-old kid shot down in a plane, okay? Floating ou[ there in a yellow raft, tired, head bleeding, thinking about his family, his friends, wondering if he'll ever see them again, and maybe thinkin' a little bit abouc the separation of church and state."

58. What advice did Bush's mother, Dorothy, give him about running for pmidenr? A. She tOld him he looked "silly driving all those big trucks:' B. She said he was "talking abom yourself toO much: C. She told him that the next time he found himself out· side Duke Zeibert's restau· rant with Gorbachev, ~don't just stand there and look like a half·wit." D. "For God's sake, George, stop dropping Margaret Thatcher's name!"

CEORCE

59. What did Bush say when alked who his vice president would

k? A. "Whoa! You're trying to trick me into telling something before I'm ready to tell it. 1 was in Congress once. I know what people like you guys ate like:' B. "I haven't selected her. But let me tell you, this gender thing is history. You're looking at a guy who sat down with Margaret Thatchet actOss the table and talked about serious issues." C. "Hey, I'd take Charlie Man· son if someone could guar· antee that would be a win· ning ticket." D, "Whoever it is, they better be willing to grovel, cause let me tell you, I paid my dues on the fawning thing, and now I want to know what it's like on the other side."

60. How has Bush distinguished himlelf10 far in fhe 1988 race for the presidency? A. While speaking before a group of fundamentalist ministers, he claimed to be born again, saying, "I be· lieve in Jesus Christ as my savior, always will:' B, He told a crowd that when he's "the education presi· dent; they'll be able to afford to "send your colJege to children." C. He referred to the high COSt of college as "the high COSt of courage." D, Meaning to acknowledge that he and Reagan had ~had setbacks; he became tonguNied and instead said they "had some sex." E. All of the above

~-------102 SI'Y AUGUST 1988

.9 • •

BUSH

..... EF.Ng

61. How has BlIlh desmbed him· lelf 10 far on the 1988 campaign trail?

A, WI have a tendency to go on and on and on, but please don't take that for lack of passion .... 1 don't talk much, but 1 believe. 1 may not articulate much, but 1 feel. And my work isn't done yet." B. ~I'm not an apologize-for· America kind of guy." C. "What's wrong with being a boring kind of guy? .. 1 think to kind of suddenly try to get my hair colored, dance up and down in a miniskirt or do something to show I've got a lot of jazz out there and drop a bunch of one·liners ... we're talking about running for the president of the United Stares. This is serious busi· ness.... 1 kind of think I'm a scintillating kind of felJow." D. "I've never felt stronger po. litically in my life. It·s hard to tell, but I JUSt can't ac· cept (he tarnished·image thing." E. "You gona be what you .re." F, ~I know inside I've got a lot of fiber here." G. "All these people ... who want me to stretch out and satisfy their psy. choanalytical desires, I'll say: Here's who 1 am. I've been telling you that for 20 years, Ot 40, I've been living who I am, and now you

know." H. All of the above

62. TrUI or false: during Bush's tenure as ambaJJador fO the Uniftd Nafions, New York magazine named him to itl list of fhe TEN MOST OVERRATED NEW YORKERS.

_00

63. What did BuJh lay after tOur. ing the A1JlchwifZ death camp? ~Nothing

you've heard pte. pares you for the horror." B. "As citizens of the world, we must do everything we can-everytbing-to see that this doesn't happen again." C. ~Was moved:' D. "Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't theyr

64. How did Bush respond when a friend Juggtlled he go to Camp Davidfor a few days alone to figure out where he wantedto take the country in a Bush presidency? A.

~Hey,

super idea. Supet. Lemme call Batb and tell her. What a super idea!~ B. "Hey, I know where I'm takin' this country, buddy. Into the future. Moving forward. Up for the nincties!~

want to take the country up CO Kennebunkport for a sail." D. ~Oh, the vision thing."

ANSWERS I..

17. c

31.

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3.•

19.et

35. b

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37.•

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32••

38.•

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39.'

55. b

41. b

57. c

7.•

23. c

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24. ,

10.t

24.•

net

37.1

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49. TN'

25.et

.... .... .... . .. . .. 42. b 43. et

59. b

61. h

12.

28. b

12'

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14. c

30.•

46. T""

62. T....

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31. c

47. ,

16. FoI,,; 32. co

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63. d

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exterminator chili RESTAURANT

BAR

305 CHURCH ST路 2 BLOCKS BELOW CANAL OPEN 7 DAYS路 (212) 219-3070

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NEW YORK HOLY LAND

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I. MOlRIS·JUMElMUSIUl. IESTUIIH SllEET liD EDIECOnE IlEIUE

LEon 99th Street and 50th Street and 9th Street and 160th Street and East End Avenue and Prince Street and... M

of , HE

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PROFANE ZONE OF COMMERCE FOR SOME, FOR OfHERS NEW YORK IS A SACRED NEW JERUSALEM WHERE THE SPIRIT CAN BE • QUICKENED BY THE SUDDEN :NO' ,.- APPEARANCE OF A UFO HOVERING LOW OVER FIRST AVENUE, OR BY CHRIST HIMSELF, OUTIINED ON THE UNT SCREEN IN THE CLOTHES DRYER. ALL THJ>rS NEEDED ARE EYES 10 SEE;

.~ ,. 51

""3

STEPHEN RAE RE'I" USI EID mlUf mlSSIDE VEALS THE SUPERNA:f. CARl smRl PIRK IT 90TH STREET URAL WORLD THAT IN 1967 SEVEN KANSAS CITY

SURROUNDS

US.~ reside.nrs-Pauicia bynot, ~er ,.............. thr« chtldren, Mr. and Mrs, Julius Victor and a Persian cat named Smokey-got a message from God telling them to drive to New York, where they spent most ofJuly and August in the parked 1949 Chrysler they had christened Noah. While awaiting futther directions 10 rhe Holy Land, they studied the Bible in the car. ~ Neighbors caUed the 23rd Precinct, but police said the group wasn't behaving objectionably: lhey look like they'te getting ready to go to church," Ij"""""!j I I j

2. FlOSHII' MERUOI pm

, •."." L...>'-JUL...,.-J

N THE LONGESfRUNning vision in church history (14 years), the Blessed Virgin Mary, various combinations of saints and '"i'a.~..... J"'ef _c' Island grandmother, on the site ofthe 1965 World's Fair Vatican-pavilion. Our lady of Bayside, as the appariMrs. Lueken cion of the Virgin is known, speaks through _. ,.. __ .L_

~ ~

• '"

Ct.... ~~'ft't,,-"Slf""IlIC:'&}j I

LlZAJUMEL, WHOSE SECOND HUSBAND WAS AARON BURR, is n.id to haunt this 222-ycu-old mansion, which hrieny served as Gwtge Washingtons headquarters in 1776 and is now a museum. In the 1%05 a group of noisy schoolchildren on me front lawn were addressed by the vision of a woman who appeared on the sec;ond-Sfory balcony and said, "My husband is very ill. You have to keep quiet~ Inside, the children came across II red.wigged mannequin outfitted in Madame )ume!'s yellow·and·black lace tea gown. Iha.c's her! Thats her!" thC)' shrieked. '111"'"1"".

J. COlEY ISiUD N SEPTEMBER 12, 1880, "the most extraordinary and wondecful object that has ever been seen" was spotted -at least a thousand feet in the air" above Coney Is• land, The New York TimeJ reported. "Ie was apparently a man with bac's wings and improved frog's If=z legs. The face of the man could be discincdy seen, and ic wore a cruel and determined expression. The movements made by the objecc closely resembled those of a frog in the ace of swimming with his hind legs and flying with his from legs....The alarming narore of the appa-

rition can be imagined~ The crearore was seen by "many repucable persons" who all agreed that it was flying coward New Jersey.

~ I. ORIC BOUR'S APUHIENI, 811 (; W[Sf ENO AVENUE 1991K STREHl ~ O N CHRISTMAS EVE 1975,

psychk Oric Bovar, who

~ ~I:~~:ed ~::la~~~;e:s ~~~~

proved ro his disciples that he was Jesus Christ by insrructing rhem to look up in the sky as he created a star. One disciple decided that Bovar was indeed divine when, during rheir first telephone conversation, he received an electric shock, Bovar was apparently also able to endure a year without going to the bathroom.~" In 1976, however, Bovar's credibility was shaken when he attempted ro resurrect 26.year-old Srephanos Hanitheodorou, a disciple who had died of cancer in Bovar's apartment, For four days Bovar and five apostles kept a vigil over the corpse, chanting, "Rise, Stephan, rise, rise, rise." At one point Hanitheodorou's skin seemed to be returning to normal. But the police arrived, tipped offby aJudas in the group, and insisted on hauJi iT"'" ~t'kt'f'T'"h1r"Tlfiri " \ t w i t ' court, l"uilliliilUlllllII"!

N A SPRING AFTERNOON IN 1980 AT APproximately 5:30 p.m.~ in ,~':.f.:J _.........;............. in ~ nedestClan

'ill'tq, '/¥W.kIiI=clLhav.

•

Island gcandmothet; on the site of the 1965 World's Fair

Vatican-pavilion. Our lady of Bayside, as the appari-

tion ofthe Virgin is known, speaks through MI'. Lueken to instruct hundreds of rosacy<1utching believers on the eves of 28 major Catholic feast days and the first Sunday of each month. Certain themes recur in her discourse: Pope Paul VI was replaced by a satanic impostor; agents of Satan have infiltrated the highest orders of the Vatican; and vampires roam New York in search

11. DlO ST. Wilen tHI1C11110, MULlEIRl no 'RINCE lTIEElS

, ;;

5. SMEI SlIOIII N OCI'QBER 16, 1969, THE New York Meu be.t the Biilli· more Orioles ~-} and won Ihe World Series, four giUTle$ 10 one. p:d

IERRE TOUSSAINT" (177618B) is buried here. Tou".int (reed .l.ve .nd populu h.ir· dre.ser 'Who ....11 .lso wtlJ kno....n for hi. luppon of orph.n•. The Pierre 'lOu".int Guild belie'o'CJ that .ince his duth Thusuint has been responsible (or m.ny minde•. Among them i. the case o(John S. McBride, who fint heard of Toussainl twO d.ys before mysteriously .waking one morning in the 1%0. al }:}O •.m. knowing he should check on hi••on. Hi. Ion I ""II unconlciOUI and emitting I "death r.ttlc," The doctor at Englewood HOlpital laid, ,.hi. boy is dead11, TOMPKINS SQUUE ,UI c1inic.lly speaking." He survived.

P wu •

OON AFTER HE ARRIVED IN THIS COUNTRY in 1972, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon had a vision ~~ ~~ of God departing from these buildings during rush hour. "Tears began pouring down my face," he has written. "God is leaving America.... Someone must come to America and StOP God from leaving.... God wants to see His spirit prevail in those great buildings:' Moon thought he might be that special someone. r I I I I 1 1 1 I

N A SPRING AFTERNOON IN 1980 AT AP· proximately 5:30 p.m., in pouring rain, a pedestrian 'f~ ....... found an unoccupied, ondury Checker cab. p=:xj

of children's blood. ~The truth of Our Lady's revelations was proved, it seemed to some. when she declared in July 1985 that the city's water supply was poisoned. Four weeks later Mayor Koch revealed that 3. UNllID MlTlONS MEIDOUIRIERS unusually high levels nf plutonium had been N AUGUST 2}, 1974,JOHN Lennon .nd his miSlren, May found in city reservoirs. Pang, observed a saucer-shaped ob· ject .urrounded by blinking white lights from me lerr.ce o(P.ng's .panmenl at 4}4 EaSl '2nd Street. The lighting luted 20 minLitC$ u me nucer couted from left 10 right before zooming off 4. EMPIRE stATE BUILDING bdUnd the UN Building. l.ennon, who AND lORLO TRUE lOinS was naked, shouted, 'Wait for me!"

.. ,e ...... "c~ arrived, upped oft'by .Judas il'llht group, and in;isted o-~-h:~jj~~ .way the luthery, decom.P.!111~.1'...a..".eJ._oI...wjlJ. """".......: j.6_~ • i STREB F1fTlln.lJr--~ourt. PJTuoxrr"'''''''''liIl

11 \ .

'!...

BHAY CHARAN DE BHAKTIVEDANTA SWAMI Prabhupada, a 70-year-old pharmacist from India, ~... ti"lliO_ '\.., ""J arrived in New York on September 18, 1965, and I droned the names of Lord Krishna while sitting in _._ _ ... Tompkins Square Park, ~ r7 thus founding the Hare ,.fA.J III Krishna cult in the United States. Such was the power of Prabhupad a's invocation that within a few years airports began posting signs alerting passengers that Cil those saffron-robed people who appeared to be agenNew YO~RK _ eral nuisance were merely exercising their First Amendment rights_ ~

-r

ILLUSTRATIONS BY MICHABL j. DBAS

•

y survey of feminist reactions to Newport cigarette ads was probably not very scientific, and the

sample audience was rather small- two - but the results are

Advertising Case

neverrheless significant: fully 50 percent of those queried consider Newporr's adverrising campaign

Study

outstandingly twisted... First I delivered a batch of the Newport ads to Gloria Steinem. When I suggested that cerrain dark mis-

, , ogynisric themes turned up again and again in the ads, Steinem looked blank. Then I sem a set [Q Betty Friedan. She caUed the nen day with her own evalu-

"ion. _""" ,d,; F,i,d'n

BY J0HNLEO

said, are absolutely perverse.~ .~ There you go. ~ With Newport ads, either you see it right away or you don't. And we're not talking subliminal seduction, genitalia in ice 106 SPY AUGUST 1988

cubes or anything nutty like chat. We're calking sell:.

ual combat disguised as play.... The advertise. mems, which began appearing in the mid-1970s, have become onc of the most ambitious (more than $80 million spent on magazine advertising alont during the last decade) and successful cigarette campaigns in recent history. The early ads featured almost amateurish photos of people sitting arOund smoking and laughing. The cigarettes eventually disappeared from the ads, rhe photography im· proved dramaticaUy and the pictures began to show vigorous baby-boomers engaged in ourdoorsy she· nanigans-all wirh a trademark undercurrent of sexual tension. Newport sales started rising t5 to 25 percent annually. (They increased by $170 million from 1975 ro 1979 alone.) In fact, rhe campaign helped turn around the foundering corporate for· tunes of Loriliard, the tobacco company thar make! Newport and which is owned by CBS presidem Laurence Tisch and his brother Preston . ./." Why are the ads so successful? Postfeminist resentment. About half the photos depict women who seem to be off-baJance and menaced, or at [east the target ofber' serk male energy. A man stands in the middle of a swimming pool, spinning a fully dressed woman around on his shoulders. A woman sits inside a large bell, her hands to her ears; her boyfriend, who is laughing, has apparently JUSt rung the bell. .c:, In Newport's sexual wars, men get pushed around, too. During a miniature-golfgame, a giggling woman tees up her ball on the mouth of a supine male. For some reason, the Lorillard people seem intensely interested in mock fellatio. Newport women tend to suck on icicles, drink from hoses whenever they can and open their mouths as tiny white snowflakes, water spray or feathers from pillow fights drift their way. 2; How does Lorillard get away with retailing sexual animosity? Part of the trouble is that anyone who claims (Q see cryptic sexual messages in ads is apt to be relegated to the Frederic WerthamWilson Bryan Key lunacy fringe. Wenham, you will remember, was the fellow who kept seeing sexual parts turn up in comic books, including [riangles of pubic hair slyly hidden in Tarzan's shoulder. Wilson Key detected the word lex faintly imprinted almost everywhere in the magazine world, from Ritz crackers ads to a Time cover on Vietnam. The Newport campaign is nothing that loony or complicated. q One of the people who used to shoot the ads for Lorillard isJoel Meyerowitz, the reputable fine-art photographer. When contacted about the Newport photographs, he seemed more embarrassed about being caughr doing commercial work than about being tagged as the perpetrator of softcore sex and violence. Like the brand manager and art director of the campaign, who were also contacted, Meyerowiu implied that the campaign had been intended solely to depict rollicking, wholeSure_ ..... some activities of fun-loving couples.

•

• THIS I bDli< Krt41 IJ.·htn a u

](}lJr priv, wi~lJ 11m

.. MOST WOMEN WHO ORINK FROM garden hfJit! uJually do not drJ 10 whtn a man's nose is three inches away and the water is shooting out at 100 pounds per square inch. The water Jpted Juggests danger. Clearly, tIN poor woman htU some unmet oral needs, or she would have given up Newports and power hom b.y now. The hunched, toodose position oj the male in an oral-Jex photo h the standard soft-core-porn way ojJUggesting that sex i1 forced.

g 15 r miUio npaign are formakes ~sidenc

.. IN THE PAST YEAR NEWPORT AOS

Why

hatlt been killing offman males than female!. Does roearrh show that female smokers want more symIM/ically dead males, 01' iJ it limply a jair-minrkd attempt to t1Itn the body count? People who ski rapidly into tl'UJ tend to be maimed. The sex-and-death theme is carriedby the odd phallic rkmibranch sticking out from the tree.

tmenc. n to be :>fberIe of a

oman llarge 'ho is In "" roo. 1 rees

Fo,

wew,t p eaSU1'e!

lsely rend 'hoy heir railIny; in

~THIS

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MALE ISSURPRISING ANO OE-

lighting the female by plunging hi; hands into her pumpkin. Pumpkin-plunging occurs frequently in the Newport univer1e.

(~1;.

Lkes,

___,--"_-

..... ,

......,

.. THIS MAN IS EMITTING A SYMbolic Jcrtam, tIN only senJible thing to do when a woman Jymbo/ically stomps on your privatt partl whik )'Ou are unwilely spread-eagled halfway up a tree.

.. SUGGESTIONS OF ORAL SEX ARE hfrhum in ja1hion and advtrtiling, but orgasmicfellatio scene; are still puzzlingly rare. Here a dewud girlfriend opens wide. apparently happy to hatlt his rna' rhine go off at roughly the Itvtl oj hil crokh and her mouth. Obtiouslya trouper, lIN triel to cakh tU many ojhis precious bodily gum balls as she can. AUGUST 1988 SI'Y 107

'I'IHE MALE IS SCRUNCHED DOWN anddlJing something lrole enough to make him grimace while the woman is billy being finger-trapped.

A IHE PROPER WAY 10 DECODE A Newptwl ad is to all? yourJtlf, What's

wrong with this picture? In this case, it'1 the ItavtJ jailing on the man~ head.

MAN AS PENElRAIOR AND SCORER

woman a.r receptarle and target. 1~

reftrtis shirl indicalU she is neutral a safe, or would like to bt. But the angk the man's upcoming slam dunk indicat her imminent needfor a rn:onstructed 1'10 and a new set of teeth. As in other Ne port scmes where diJjigurement seems i1l store for a woman, the male is wearing the executioner's dark shirt.

No photographer in America wouldshoot the picture with a shuffer speed so slow

thai falling lealJtJ would blur; Unlm, of roune, the nd and yellow le4ve.I were mea", to JuggeJt the poor fellow's immola-

tion. His not afraid ofleiltJtJ: hiJ head is on fire. This might explain why he is winCIng.

Am ~

A AMERRY SEASONAL RAPE SCENE. A girlfriend triM in vain to defend tIN victim, but the monslrous male, left over from famHiar h01TOr films, (nrtJ her off anyway. The smiling pumpkin is having a good time: his victim is wearing New. port's Illual halfscream-halfgrin. 108

sn AUGUST

1988

IHIS PHOIO HAS BEEN SHOI AND

dactored to eliminate perspective and make the kneeling or sitting ffJOman appear /0 be directly in the fire. The mal/s scarfhangs like a priest's amice, suggest;ng a religious ()1' ritual burning. while his right hand seems/o hold her down ;1'1 the jlames- Newport's ownJoan of Arc.

pleas/l, tUad ~ and r:b his itk from f really I like th so, wh

Alive with pleasure!

iI'nD~'Po~rt Lights

1------1 .._--angle indicat aedno ~N

reems i

'uearin

... THANK GOODNESS THE ALERT ART dirnt()T haJ made the footbail jump out of the frame at right, If it didn't, inmKents might think this was a rape seme. How often, we might well ask, th men play tackle footbail with women? When they do, how often rbJ they apply dangerous choke-holds to a relaxedfemale obfiiously out of the play? if it is a footbail game, why doesn't the tackler ignore the already choking lineperson and concentrate on the balkarrier?

'" THOSE OF YOU TRAINED BY JESUITS know that subjugation is LatinfOr ~un路 der the yoke.' Here the male, with taf/nting leer and IIlhemently clenched jist, is subjugating his enthralled female. Newport's arbitert of symbolic coding must halll been aJleep the day this one was approved: the misogyny is so obvious that ten negatilll letters poured into Loriilard and the ad was pulled, Newport's explanation of the scene: "We thought it was tender!'

" "OOH," THE IMPRESSED fEMALE seems to be saying, and why not? She is the guest at a prifiate showing of what appears to be the largest condom in America. The proud owner wisely rtltrains her with an extra-tight handhold. t

... NEWPORT MAY BE ALIVE WITH pleasure, but this poor lady is about to be tkad without it. The man's dark hair and dark sweater suggest the executioner; his idea of a good time sWnJ borrowed ./rom the Boston Strangler. Do women really like to hallltheir heads mummified like this during tlftir leimre time, and if so, why don sift seem to be screaming? AUGUST 1988 SPY 109

THE SECOND ANNUAL

The K""t authors 0/ the mod"" ,,~gatlHrill tbe G<Jlham Book M.art. Back row, Jef[ (0 tight: PDtty Duke, ~mJe PuUtur,

CELEBRITY-AUTOBIOG-

Tntnts'H Williams, Olt'l Outi,,;, Gon Vid#I, Frtddit de Cot-dfn'II, ~ H. A.utkn, E./iu/Hth Bishop. Middle row, left to right: Stephen SJHnder, 0rnJ" &"n, 1J4me &lith Silwell, MariAnne Moon. Front row, left to right: Chudt Bnry,

RAPHY CHART, WHEREIN SPY DISTILLS THE FAT, UNREADABLE LIVES

~, Ck/mfXY Sc-hwllrn, Rand4l1jarre/J.

M.amit: Van

OF THE VAINGLORIOUS

â&#x20AC;˘

AND THE INSIGNIFlCANT

IT IS SUMMER.

"'riO

underdressed people

In the city, the air is thick, sooty, unsavory. On the beach, stroll in the humidity, exposing toO much flesh, IUspmng

BY JAMIE MALANOWSKI

too much curiosity. Everywhere, the mood is lazy, slack, distracted, in need of some-

thing mind-numbing and nutritionally worthless. In other words, a celebrity tell-all book.

fJJ This is the second annual SPY Distillation of Celebrity Autobiographies_ When we

MAMIE VAN DOREN:

''The smell of {Henry Kiuinger~} dirty soch WaJ overpowerrd by his denture breath:

.~.

, ',f A '

,-,

PULITZER: aposing /or Playboy was my first step toward my auumomy." RoXANNE

CHUCK BERRY: '1. have never denied mine tyeJ the beauty offemininity in the buff"

ORSON BEAN:

"Vacuuming became my thing."

JERRY FALWELL: His father cooked a man's cat and served it to him far dinner. 112 SPY AUGUST 1988

launched this feature last year, we explained that such memoirs ~re quickly becoming the dominant mode ofliter· ary expression, and we fully expected trend-setting universities - or at leasr The Learning Annex-to begin offering survey courses in the subject. We noted how celebrity autobiographies have evolved over the years, that while the memoir was once reserved for fellows whose likenesses might later turn up on paper money-Benjamin Frank· lin, for example, or U. S. Granttoday's field of potential authors is restricted to anyone who has ever been mentioned in People magazine (or who has intimate knowledge of someone who has been mentioned in People magazine). A prospective author, we noted, has to meet three further criteria: first, the person has to be willing to disclose many of his or her secrets, indiscretions and sexual peccadilloes; second, he or she has to be capable of writing a summary of these evenrs (or at least be capable of hiring a ghost to write them up in dear but appropriately awkward prose); and third, he or she has to be willing to accept a great deal of money for dirtying the reputations of his or her colleagues, lovers, acquaintances, spouses, parents and children. Finally, we observed an inverse relationship between one's current level of celebrity and how much one is required to reveal. While the currently popular have only to indicate minimal neural activity to get published (see any of Bill Cosby's books), those who have slipped out of the limelight have to tell more and more sordid tales about themselves and others. The past year in celebrity memoirs has been rich, exciting and extremely perplexing-so great was rhe abun· dance of overblown life stories that selecting the final dozen was a wrenching process. In fa((, there were easily fWO dozen more books full of sufficiently indiscreet confessions, turgid prose and Hallmark-variety introspec· tion-and in particular we recommend that our readers look through remainder piles in coming months for Eve Arden's Three Phases of Eve, Jim and Henny Backus's Forgive Us Our DigreSJions and Phyllis Gates's My Husband, Rock HudsM. All wiJI enrich you in ways in which you do not now sus-

peer you are poor. A few words of explanation ro those whose life stories narrowly missed indusion. Dr. Ruth and Cousin Brucie, you both came very close, bur we felr rhat in the category of media oddity we had to go with Judge Wapner, Lawrence Taylor, you dictated a marvelous book (LT: Living on the Edge) full of memorable expressions of your zest for football n wanted co knock some dick loose"), but we chose "Catfish" Hunter, a Hall of Farner who is unlikely co end up a criminal psychopath, We picked Parry Duke over Suzanne Somers because her TV show had a better theme song, and Chuck Berry over James Brown because he hasn't recently been accused of beat· ing his wife. Vice President Bush: we were sorely tempted to select Looking Forwardin the category of a book by a sycophantic second banana who has met Ronald Reagan, but we think Fred de Cordova is both a bigger brownnoser and closer to the president than you are. But readers should be assured that all these books had their moments, Consider Suzanne Somers's incredible contention in K£eping Stl:rets that she became pregnant while still a virgin, when a boyfriend's prp.mature ejaculation seeped through her underpants. In other words, a Virgin Birrh, only the second on record, and the only one whose author can still work the ralk-show circuit. Which brings us to our selections. They are a disparate bunch, but there is an ineffable worthiness in each-an unswerving reliance on cliche in one, a particularly cold-blooded indiffer· ence to the kiss-and-tell in another. One might show a charming capacity for self-delusion, while another- all the others, in fact-demonstrate the sweet and simple vanity that allows a celebrity to believe thar JUSt because we've seen the public self, we're bound to be fascinated by the private self. Finally, in a self·congratulatory aside, we would like to point out that spy's distillation of this shelfful of summer reading into 23 easily digested and salient caregories provides an immediare financial benefit ro our readers. At a bookstore these 12 volumes would COSt you $219.40. spy COStS a mere. $2.50, a savings of $216.90.

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CHUCK BERRY:

CALL ME ANNA:

A VIEW

JOHNNY CAME LATELY:

ThE AUTOBIOGRAPHY by Chuck Berry,Harmony BookJ, 117.95; 346 pager

ThE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF PATTY DUKE by Patty Duke and Kenneth Tllran;

FROM THE BENCH

AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY by Fred de Cordflva, executive produrer of The Tonight Show; Simon & SchllJlt1j 1/7.95; 283 pagu

Bantam Books, $17.95;

byJudgeJoleph A. Wapner of The People's COUrt; Sinton & SchuJlt1j 1/7.95;

249 pager

298pagu Charles Edward Andenon Berr)'; no one called him Chuck unullH: was 21.

Born Anna MarJe Duke, renamed Palt)·

Joscph A, Wapner.

NICknamed Freddu: Johnn),'s name lS John W,llIam Canon

by managel'$ because II was perk,cr "Anna. Mane 's dcad. You're Pan)' nOll"; [hey rold her; [he crew on TIN p,JltJ Dllkt S/x;w nIck· named hel "rhe lmle shll~

NAME(S)

"While wl' didn't have much mone)', "Ie al· ways seemed to be able to gel b)'."

Farher an alcoholic, mothl'r hospltahlCd rhrcl' rimcs for depteSSlon; home (316 Easr 31st Srrel'l) was IIlfcstl'd wl[h he(lbugli, "[ never remember hemg hungry ,.Sure wc were poor, but "'-c weren't dcsperale~

Middle·c1ass circumslancl'l; rathl'r was a law)'l'f.

"I\ctually, I Wa.) born III rather lavlsh sur· round,ngs an a.partmcnt on thc corner of Slxl)'.fourth Sueet and Park Avenue." Father was a con man spC<lalmng In pyr· amu;! schemes, mother" Zlegfeld show Slrt Johnny, of course, wali raIsed In Iowa and Nebraska

One, Themena Suggs, nicknamed Todd),.

Four: Harry Falk (",hen she was 18), an assIstant dHc<tor on her show; MIChael Tell, ro whom she w~s marneJ for 13 days-"Ifhe walked LIltO a room uxla)', I ....ouldn·[ recognize hIm"; John "Gomez" Astin - "brlll,ant and older and a mag· nincem lover"; Arm)' sergealll MIChael Pearce -"WI.' are like epox)' for each OIhcr"

One, Mickc)'.

Onc,J~nel,

Three daughten. Ingrid, Melod)' and Aloha, and one son, Charles Jr.

Two rons: Scan, ","·hose dad was long ru· mored to be DeSI Arnaz]r. but who ....as falhered byJohn Aslin whIle he wa~ mar· rled to someone else, and .... hose concep· tlon Patty' a.nnounced on Tht Dille Q,~"II Sbour, and Mack

Three: Fred, David and Sanh.

None. Johnn)', of coune, has three sons; Fred dl.'"ubes thelt falher·son rclauon· shIps as "c1oliC;"

Refers to hili penili as "the master of m), de· liirc"; on his firsl orgalim:"[ was manmade in an instant"; firsl "shared {hili} man· hood- wilh Alma. a student of"rcgiSlered nUl'$lnlf who later auended at his dreum· cision; on the road, there was "an abun· dance or chance for intimate relations {and} all amplencsli orchoice·; allpearslo enjoy voyeurilim-onc.. watched a blond beauty "paying ... homage to {a well·known singer'l} magnitude"; turned down a proposilion rrom lillic Richard: had an affair with HouslOn millionairess Can· dace Mossier. "'Come; she whispered, pull. ing me to the round bcd, 'and undress me: ... I'd often liCen the cleavage of her enormOUli breasls but never the 10","'Cr hem,sphere of her voluptuous bosom as l! became expoliCd. She Stood SIlent ali [saw my fathcr'l expression amid rhe cleavage of her lil,r-whlte bosom.... 'Hurr)': she

Her firsr ume, wllh Harry Falk, was "lovel)' really lovely·; ....as lntcndmg 10 sleep wnh frank SlIlaua, bur whcn she ....ent ,"10 h,s b..droom, he took a phone call and d,scussed hIS falher's IHneliS, anti It desuoyed the mood; descflbes herself and DtoSI ArnazJr. as "lovers who neetled no introducnon"; englneerc<l an affau while married to Asun, bur chose someone impotent

No pcrsonal dtsclosurcs.

MoS! memorable romance was w,th thl' ·cxuerncly 'expe"enced' Frl'nch aCtress" Slmonc SImon En,oyed a menage i tlOIS w,[h Tallulah Bankhead and her mald Rock Hudson fOld Fredd'e he was g"y back In thc 19'Os Johnn)'s sex hfc IS d,s· cussed III Marnll.' Van Doren's hook (see neltt spread).

FAMILY

"CKGROUND/ SCANDAL

KIDS

whom Fred married ....hen he was '3 Johnny has been married four limes

•o

g ~ z w

~ ~

z ~ ~

~ ~

a row I picked up {thc] tab."

,ltClllll~ dO$(: ro anOlher 'l1)arrrag~" you

i.ord, Bm l·j U RRY!"

have nil' I'rrml~Slon ro punch me-as hard as you can -on the POint of my law· Fred ..lIt!n't. and johnll)' d"orced w,fe numbrr rhrec beforc marrYll1~ a fourth lime

TINY flAW

MONEY

Claims ID havr accrplrd undcr·lhr·table pa)'menu (rom promorer Richard Nader_ III 1973 in Older to have Ihe magic figure of $ I m,llJon on depos,t,

EStlmales Ihat she l:;orned helween $500,000 and $1 m,U,on as a ch,ld acID'. hut al ~~e HI sh~ found only 58·1.000 III her "USf fund

fiNDING

"Many pe0l'le rely on religIOn in lhe jailer )'Cars o( lhe.. II~s. but II W3$ vice versa ,n my lifc"

As a child she "really ",anll',J ro be a nun- nun~ ....ere the onl)' people I came III conraCl w,rh who ","'Cren'l d"nklllg and screammg!"

"A good milld can never be 10 bondage nor irs body In less rhan lJbeuy: Also, "[ have tried 10 look ul'0n no one deceased."

"Ifyuu h,-e )'our h(e

nuth, rhe !rulh Will

"I have a virtual obseSSion wilh law and ordl'r:

"Chances Ut we'll agree wllh Mr Carson's rhoughrs un Ihe sub)ecr II IS likely hc Will be borh percel'lII'e and accuJale. In addl' lIon, ....-e It'member who sr~lls rhe checks"

Onee- oblige-d a nude fan in M,chigan wilh an aUlOgraph Oil her bUHocks.

After gerung lIlVolved In lahor ,ssul'S III the Screen Actors GUIld, "'My GmJ: I saId 10 myself, 'I call mak... a ddfCll:n,e.'"

"Ever)'OlIl' who lives III rhlS COUlltry should (eel proud rhar our sysrem StflVes III give conSldeulion nOI jusl to rhe au, rocraHc feehngs of II jlldge, bur 10 Ihe corn· I'lainu and fears of a bookkeeper or a reriree or a nurse or a m,1l hand."

"There are several expt'r,enced and tJlemetl folks who have conSiderable III· pUI [llltO the show} These "ren'r Ihe '!rule people' you hear about ,n a((eprancc speeches. IhcSl' are pmfesslOnals"

The 1~lrtJman o( Akallaz, who spied Oil Chuck rehearsin/-: In the prison shower.

late mobsler joey Gallo. a schoolmalC' who wore hIS umform "raknhly"

Lana Turner, whom he dared school.

high

Ronald Reagan Fretl was rhl: dll<:Clor of Br,lIlItir for Bon1.t>

i'he only real bOlher aboul prison .. is Ihe loss o( love:

Nor standing up to the Rosse) and nOt In· SISllng Ihat her mother be raken along rt, .he 1965 Oscar ceremomes

Wu never appomled 10 lhe Calrfornla Cnun o( Appeals. "\r hUll a grUI deal."

People who have repraledly declined IU be on Ihe shuw Woody Allen, Al Pacmo. Dusun Hoffman, Jessica Lan~e, Raben Redford, Roben De Nlro.jack NICholson, Meryl Sneer, Paul Newman, Kalharllle Hepburn, Annl' Bancroft, john Gldgu..l

To declarl' income In a IImel)' and legal fashion.

luerlle BaJl-"effierenl and cold, wllh harel)" a veneer of pohll'ness"- broke up her romance .....,rh 17.)'ur·ul..l DeSI jr by groundlllg h"l1

"A jal'anesc .. bullel hat! ripped mro my poncho. lhrough my knapsark, and been SlOpped only by a un ofluna fish rhar my mOlher had sent 10 me and I hadn'r gOlll'n around 10 eaung, (Thank )'Ou, Mom!)"

Ar a parry, rr)'lOg ID ,mpress Marlene D,errllh, Fred tried ro lighl hl'r C1gareue. Unfortunately, she wou holdml; 1101 a CIga· reue bur a powder puff, ....·hld, caughr fir" anJ scorche..l her nuse

Havlllg been paid $44,000 In pound notes for a Bmlsh rour. he claims rhalrhe reason l1e didn't exchange rhem for U.S. currency was Ihar he IJked the Queen's I'lClUre on the bills.

"An IIIsulllllg 1..tJOk mag.nm.. amelI: aboul d,e filmlllg [of V;Jllry of ,hr DoI!J] por· tra)"Cd mt as a (oul·mouthed hlltrldan mlsbeha"n,!(,n pubhc 1,ltd InJeed s... e~r bur n(>I like a satlor"

Contends rhal Go~rnor JellY Brown reo fused to appolllr hlln 10 an appellate ludgeshlp because he wu oUlsp'Oken III h,s 0ppoSII,on 10 Brown's plan 10 cur ludges' salaries.

"Orson Welles, and james lkan, Manlyn Monroe, and Monrgomery Cltfl chmbc<l ~o h'gh, so tarly, and ....-e f(lund Ih~r Ihe Top was where rhe)' ....ere and rhere .... as no way 10 go bUI Down I feel som., conso· lallon '11 knowlnglha! If you never /Ie..' so high, )'Ou ne,'er had so far ro faU:

~rhe

courage I depended On was fasl grow· ing .....eaker. (or I have always been subjen to dte Sighl of rhe female "naronl)' reach· 11I8 my rClina and laxIng my rolerance."

"Vohn ASlin] came OUl of th" he,lrwm and sa,d somelhlllK wand and unkind, I C~n'f remember whal II '""115. and I punched h,m m rhe face~

"In early 196}, my Wife, Illy cluldren. anrl I took a dllvin,ll vacallon 10 see rhe major pllSOnS of Cah(otlll","

""nd once In a ..... htl" Ihe mIx,s grear The monologue I~ 'lIle b,g JOke ,,(rcr anodlCr {and] lhe MI~lllY CatSl'" AIr Players' w,lhjohnn)' as Ramboor Mr Rea~,1II or Mr Rogers or Dr Rurh I) ~ood enough ro Illay un Brnad"'a}"

"Some v'ews Ihat came down (rom the IllpplCS are now dasSlcs, Itke rock IS as ..-ell. SlOcercly, Chuck."

"I'\"e survl\'cd. I've beaten my u.... n had sys· rem lln..l on some Ja)'S. on most dars. rhal feels hke a nllt""le."

"Love rhy neIghbor as rhyself. Ir's an an· Clem rule. bur II sull works"

'1'hank yuu (or ua\"ellOF rillS far lR rhe life of ~ 'ery happy man By ,hung so, )'Ou ve made me even hapl',(I

GOD PHILOSOPHY Of UfE

"IT'S THE

III

00'

UTTLE PEOPLE WHO MATTER"

SURPRISE

Onee held the record (or adluthUfing lhr world's largest d,vorce SClllement, rhe $44 mdlion awar..le..l loja~k Kenr Cooke's t'lt,.w,(e Cartie (now Mrs, Pete Ralelle),

johnny's "f,nanClal a,d 10 many kss for· lunate: fflends and 3cqu31Orances 's st'verdy undl rpllbhcned" "\'(/hen I find II necessary fO make an ImpOtlallI JeC'SlOn. I, o( course, check It our wllh johrlfly:

III

APPEARANCE BY

REGRETS

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

RATlONAUV.noNS

LAST UN'

titttE fAMILY

BACKGROUND/

PLAYING THE FIELD: MY STORY by Mamie Van Doren wirh Art AlJtilhe; G.P. Pllln{lm~ Sons, $18.95; 275 pagtS

by Tip O'N,'" with William Novak;

ThE PRIZE PULITZER: ThE SCANDAL ThAT ROCKED PALM BEACH ThE REAL STORY by Roxanne Pulitzer with Kathleen Maxa;

IN My OWN FASHION: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY b)' Oleg Cassin;; Simon & SrhllJltr, $19.95: 379 pagtJ

Random HOl/st, $19.95; 387 paga

ViI/ad Boo&, $17.95;

Born)oan Olanau. i"hrough Jomc logic thol\ sull CIClpt'S me, I was lold, 'YOll don't look S..... eo;5h, you look mOlC Dulch: ... 111t'y decided my lasr name 'hould bt Vllll Doren. And because: I sigoed my comrael on January 20, 19H. the day ... EIsc:nhOlll'e1 WliS maugurated ... 1was given the name Mamie."

Thomas P O'Nellljr, nicknamed Tip af· ter an 1880sbuebalJ pla)'C1 namcdONCIIi who wu famous for h,s abllll)' to foul-lip Ihe ball

Born Roxanne Rcnckens, she became Roxanne Ulrich when mother married for the second umc_

Olel:( LOlewskl-Cassllll

"It was the IA-prcssion, and times w<'re, .. hard .... l rcmemhc:r walkIng the rode and a half (0 Ichool in the snow rurllling a

MOlher dted when he was nme momhs old, was rlused by French Canadian house· keeper. Father was supenlllendClIl of sewers. "You don't get nch workl1l8 for the CIt)', but ,,~ always had enough ro ear"

Father was an alcoholic, mother th",w him out. Describes her background as -poor." She and siblings were Ihe only kids in town raised by a single parenl.

RuSSian noblillY, <Iumpcd afu~r Ih<' RcvoII1IIon 'We were vcr)' Important And )'Ct, we h~d no mOlley We wcre very poor: Modwr W1\S energellC, devdoped a faslllon buslllen; father "usually Ignored [us,"

FlYe: manufaCIU",r Jack Ncwman (despile "athleuc kx,"thc shon marrlagc cnded aftcr he tried 10 Ihrow her off a balcony), band leader Ray Anthony ("an explosion of passion"), 19·)'ear.old baseball pitcher Lee Me)'t'IS, bUSinessman Ross McClintock ("1 ~m through Ihe mOl ions) and aClor Thomas Dixon.

One, M,ll,e "She h:lS always been Ihe Speaker III our housc"

Two: Peter D,xon, a voring-machine heir ('Though we shared lhe sam<: zip code, our I'VI'S were worlds apart"); divorc~ him when she found he'd been sleeping wilh her be$! friend. Beata jo; Herbert Pulitzer, whom everyone but Roxannc caUs Pctcr.

1''''0' cough,syrup hl'lress and bigamIst Merr)' Fahrncy, "one of only a few purel)' eVil pwple I've mel-. D",/y Ntl4IJ hcad· hned Ihelr d,,'oree coullr RII>S MI!!\RY Of' NAUGIn'Y COUNT, "sll,Jl1l11ng~ Gene T,erney, divorced after ten YC>lrs- she claimed he thrcw a hot spoon at her, he saY' It wasn'l very hot

One son, Perry, with Anthony.

Five: Rosemary, Tommy, Suun, Kip and Michael

Twins, Mac and Zac.

lw() daugluers w,th Gene Tierney, Darla anJ ChroSllna,

Wilh mobster Charlie fischetti, Al Capone's couson, who senl her envelopes full ofSlOO bills nle played my young (17·ycaroldl body like a musical onSlrumcnr-): hnv)'wclght)llCk Dempsey rOur first lime in bed WllS frighlenlllgl: Nicky Hilton ("Nicky ......~s generously endowed as a l~r. But there was a sadness aboul having sex wilh him"); Ray Amhooy rOne of our favorite pbces co make love was Palm Springs"); actor AllIonio CifarieHo (i\nconio upheld Ihe mudl'publici~ed lovemaking abilities of Itahan men"): pitcher 50 Belinsky n\Jik1 reached greater and grl'ater he,ghu of CCStasy");)oc Namath r\Jik called OUt co each OIher as ....'C camel: Burt Reynolds, who uld he conSidered himself the male Mamie Van Doren rFrom somewhere came the sound of waves crashing.... Burt moaned, 'Ohhhh! Judy!'")_

ConfirmsJFK's WOmanl~ll1J.; "He had more fancy youngg,t1s l1Yll1,11. In from all over the eoulllry Ihan aoyone could counl"

First lover, john, broke up wilh het before gorngon lour wilh Santana's backup band_ llley had SCll again after he returned, Ihe n'ghl before she marlied Dixon. Sex wilh Pulilzer "",mmdcd me ofhow sharksquiYer when lhey're aboullo attack.- Herber! proposed a menage II Irois aftet "one of our frequent trips I() the red·light district of Amsterdam: where they saw live sex shows; Rmtanne was reluctalll until she thoughl Qf inviting her best friend,Jacquie Kimberly, Wife of the tOllet-pap"r heir. The first lime, in which ROllanne slept withJacquie and then wilh Herbert. -hadn't been such a bad experience." The second ume, Rro<anne was shocked co sec Herbert with Jacqu,e. "Never, nevet.,. had it even crossed my mmd Ihal Herbert "'Ould fuckJacquie:

Motheis "dvlcc to him about sex' "Men all: Your fathcr was a nOlhmg bur P'SS' piS You will be one, tOO'" LUSI IllS Vir, gon,ty on a bordello when he was 17 wnh a woman n~med Ibmona Had afra'D wnh IOClalote Baby ChalmeD, lana Turner. Marilyn Monrl')(' ("She very obviously did nm ,,'Car under,,'Car"), Franchot Tone's Wife. Jean Wallace, and Grace Kelly, 10 whom he was engaj..'Cd Speaks atlnllrlllgJy of playboy Porfino Ruhlrosa, who could olilance a chair wllh a telephone oook atup It on IllS ereCl pellls "I IllUSt confess, r1uou~hout my life, even Ihough I could perform Impres· slvely at urnes, II was only under ".edcCl romanul conJlIlons-only .... hen lhere "'liS a sense of m)'Ster)'. allure, challenge." JFK once told lum, "I would hate to haV<' lOcom· pele agalllS! you for a woman You'd be Ihe tnughest"

Despite rewrvauons, posed nude in a balh of beet for in 196} When founh husban<l McCllluock became angty upon

NOI melllioned explrcltly

paid her $70,000 10 pose holdlllg a trumpet and lying on a bed "with the en· tite brass section: though .sh~ had "cuim-

N",,,,y

Parflc'"Jfec! III whal appear to ha"e beeo org'es ""lIh factory workers whde stalloned ,n Kansa$ durlllg \'(Iorld War II

t<·mpcruure."

SCANDAL

FUUHGS

MAN OF THE HOUSE: ThE LIFE AND POLITICAL MEMOIRS OF SPEAKER llP O'NEILL

1'1","',

241

pages

......................... - .....

nc'gm. II' t:~.,a.y J,Jl1C ,~ ... ,,'~'" \ ""<: ~.",~" OUIIO each OIher u we came"); Bun iU.oynolds, who said he conSIdered himself lhe male Mamie Van Do~n (From wlTl(:whc~ ume Ihe sound of waves CIlIShlllg.... Bun moaned, 'Ohhhh! Judy!'·).

-_.._.... -

shocked to IICC Hl.'"lbl.'"n Wllh JacqUle. "Never, never ... had it even crosllCd m), mll1d lhal l'lerbcn would fud:Jacquie.·

• -,,.,..

r'"

romanuc conditions-only when 1I1l::re ,,~~ a sense of my.;tCr)·. allure, challenEte" JFK once told h,m,'1 "vuld halc 10 have locom· pcte agaon~t }UU for a WOffian You'd he the loullhe~t.-

DeSpilC reservations, IIOSCd nude in a balh of ben for Playblly 'n 196}. Whcn founh husband McCliOlock bcume Ingl)' upon findong nudl.'" phOlOS ofhcr in I mlgUll1e, she replted. ·Ross, d,d you Ihlnk)'Ou werc marrYll1g lhe Vilgin Mal)'r

NO! menuoned cxplt("lll)'.

P1ayblly paid her S70,000 10 pose holdong a uumpcl and lying on a bed "wilh lhe en' lire bnSI 5«lion; Ihough she had ·ediIO· nal COntrol" ovcr lhe spread. ·In a Wlly, pos· ing for PI.y"1 WllS my first step toward my autonomy."

PartlClpaleJ III whalappear 10 h,wc btcn orglcs Wllh fanory "'"Or ken whIle Slatloned 111 Kansas durmg ""orld War I[

BIG BREAK

Won Miss Palm SprIngs bealllyconlCSlal age I); lalcr won d>e lil/eofMISI Eighl 8all.

Winnmg a5C'al on lhe Massachusensstate· house al age 24

Gelling etiqucHe tipS from her firsl mOlher·ln.law.

TIle rlSC of Mu~solim - h.·lefl Europe and clime to AmerICa

MENTORI

No one; saw herself, wilh Martlyn Monroc and Gnce Kelly, as simply lhe nUl wave of Hollywood glamour girls.

H,gh school teacher S,stn Agalha, who plessed h,m to go to collelle; cons,ders hImself a prou$ge of Spe~k..r John McCormack's

Jacquie Kimberly, ...·ho laugh[ her how 10 really shop. ·Come on, Roxie, buy it.... You can chHge il."

HIS lUlOI. Colonel ZborumHskl, adVised hIm Ihal ·hfe IS hke a large pIe madc ofshit, of .... h,ch we mUSI eat a shce evcr), \llly"

"If you are young, hcahhy, enngeuc, and poncssed of the normal sel of blologinl urges, [hc nSI;ng ("ou("h nn also be fun wuh lhe right pcrson."

Gt'mal and ~lcnm'C ., uloCd 10 walk 10 h,gh school and I kne.... ~'Very PCl'$On ~t C\'ery housc-Rcd f,rt,gcrald wee \Xk-c Burns, Sklllny McDonald thc Moosc. Potaroes Labu. B,g Red, and alt the lest"

~Aelobics ... helpcd pull mc thlough Ihe dlfficolt monlhs after lhe dlvor("c.·

"M)' abil"y wllh a tenms rol(:qUCl opened many doolS throughOlll my I,fe.· A S('l( up -1 gm her good and drunk·

Willie shc Il'jccled Cary Grant's offcl'$ of LSD, she did lake acid wilh Ste~ McQul::Cn (·From Ihe haze ofour lovemaking 1could heal guilars mimicklllg Ihc beat of our bodies / was a martonelle speaking an· othellanguage. [am your dllnc,ng Mamie doll. Dancing. [ am your )'Ou me you you mc me·).

"I've ncvct bccn a leetotaler"

Used cocallle. Puliller sent her to a hospi. lal for ~hab; afler sill: day.; they Il'leascd hcl, saying she was a sacul abuser of alcohol and cocaine, not an addict.

1"'0 marum~get him drunk Wa~ chent of Ihc urlg,nal Dr. Feelgood, whose amllhela· mIne shots made him "slrong u an Oll· "Ie e,'entually gave lhem up.

Pretended to be pregnanl III order to con Jack Dempsey OUI ofS1,000 to pay for an ahortion; pretended 10 he pregnalll w,th 19·year·old Lee Meyers's child 10 con him into marriage.

A'::fused hUI e\entuaU) clured of ("halges that he accepled gifts and funds from Kolcan lobby,st 1bnpun ParI.:

Used ~ fake hlrth cerufinrc to huy hccr In high school.

AIIl'Sle<llIl haly bcfore the wu because he dldn't have the rlghl papers. anJ was helJ for a weekend. H,s dmner Jackel \\'9$ "so llermelllcd wllh the feud ~mell of lhc ,ail lhat [ hJd to thtow It out"

Somewhal prom,scuous.

At va"O\l~ times, has faded to rccognue Robert Rc<lford, Warten Bcauy and Scn~· tor Wilham Prollm"e.

Docsn't pclCcive herself as a SOCIal dimbel, I\lSI "an asp,r,ng Cinderella ... ("has,ng my gender's versIon of lhc American dream~

Whcn In doubt, he bmwls.•, ume from a warrior clan.'

[n lhc early '70s, a man claiming In be from Ihc COmm;Tt!'<' 10 Rc·clecl Ihe l'reSl<lem offer«l her S2,000 to sleep With Sp,ro Ag· new, she dedined.

Afler a 1960 M,ssour, funJla'~CI,JFKwa~ told lila men's ruollllhllllhe campJ'gn re· cc"!Ycd S17,000 III cuh IInJ S12.000 III checks. ··Grcal: ~a,dJa("k 'G"'e me the ush and g,ve la,de) Kenny O'Donnell the chc("ks··

Roxanne's meager divorce SCHlernem: S48,000 in alimony; a Porsche; jewelry val· ued al S60,000; S7,000 in equity in hcr husband's bo~r; SI02.)00 in Icgal fees.

Ihrbara I-lutton, who at lhe urne w~s Mrs. Cary GIant, offered to g'\'e Gcne 'I'll:! nC')' SI m,lhon Ifshe'd divorce Oleg, ftce,ng 111m 10 m~rr)' her The (Ons,deralC OIc/l.paueJ BarbMa's proposal on 10 Gene, who .Jrclllled

Clutch...d a Bible when she flcw off 10 en' lerlalll tho:: lroops III V,eUlam.

Though he'~ II Calholtl, "for m..., haseball ""lIS almo.t a second rel,glon'

-I've alw~ys had a strong failh in God: Also bclicycs thaI she and Pulitzer "have gonc around and around togClher·;n pUl I,,'es.

Has ICllrned the Kama Suua "It's nm IUSI the elpuy-slll positIOns.. It IS II ,l:uI<lc 10 the achlevcmcm ofhappll1ess through Ihe perfeLl knowledg.:: of anmhl'l"

"1 have never been ouc to remlliu in a love affair with a married mlln who IS unwIll· Illg 10 leavc his wifc."

"All [>oh[lc\

"I'd like 10 leach {my choldren} ... [hal OUler appcamnees canuot bc ludge<!, bcCill'se no one kliOWli the purpose of the spim."

'1 am

"I .. lUrned down lhe advances of several po....crful and ,mportam men .. bccause lhey slll1ply d,dn'l apl'ellllO me~

Former gt)\'ernOI and fclonJam ...s Curley gavc h,m advlo::e "thaI I ve ncvcr forgor. len He saocl, 'Son, II'S mee 10 be ,mpor'

"Dcsp"e liS sleepy way of hfc, Cassadaga [New York I IS far more home 10 me Ihan lhc fasl lanl' m Palm Be~ch "',11

"'O\,crume' d,d not eX'~1 for pcople who worked In fashIon. they ....cre paId" salary and werc wlllmg 10 wOlk Unt,IIW') on lhe ,n,..", ..." I,uo" ... ,lop<> 1. 0 ,1 h,,,I~ It, wh",

FEEUNGS ABOUT NUDE SCENES

INSPIRATION

SECRET OF SUCCESS

SUBSTANCE ABUSE

CRIMES

TINY fLAW

"IT'S THE I 'TTl'" D"'nDI '"

.~_"

n ...

loed"

"~_~_

. •.•

•••

• __ •

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WJl,n" I',,, ,I""",

.10"•• I... ""

~n honest man I h~ve not adlleve., rny success a! lhe expense of others.'

I " .. v~ ,,~V~,

PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

ncc" u"c '" '",mu" '" a

,uv~

IU ""c tU '''OIUI twy l"'I<H~"' ... ",al uu,cr appearances cannot be judged, because no one knows lhe purpose of the spiri!."

"" l'uIlncs ,s ,.......u

affair Wilh a married man who is unwill· Ing tu l~av~ h,s wlk"

I am:01l nUnt'Sl man

I nave no< acrm.'Vcu

my success ar the e"pense of othcrs"

I'urmer governor and felon James Curley gave h,m adv.ce "that J'vt' never (OlgOl. ren He saId, 'Son, Ir's nKe ro be Imporrant. But remember-It'S morc Imponanl fO be :lIce:"

"Despitc ilS sleepy way of life, Cassadaga {New YMk\ is fa! m{){e hnme to me ,han lhe fasl lane in Palm Beach will ever be.." When I'm down ... rhose long ralks across rhe kuchen table Wilh my mom ... make it all better."

'''O''erume' d,d not e~lsr for people who w<'Jrkt'J III tash,{ln: rhey were paId a salary and were wllhng 10 work unfll tWO In rhe morning because rhey had pride 'n whal rhL'Y dId"

Francis rhe Talking Mule, whose mouth movemems were induced by electroshock.

George Srelnbrenner, descrrbed as "gracIous."

Ex-Ill' chairman Parrrck Lannan, who rook Roxanne on a private rour of his por· nography collection.

The Duke of \,Xlrndsor, as a golf chear,

"When you make )'9ur living as a glamour girl,th(·re is always, hlrking around Ihe corner, the speerer of gening old."

No! spending more time with his famdy, at!endmg patties WIth Tongsun Park and supporting the Gulf ofTonkin Resolution.

"ItS easy ro be duped by fake psychiu."

"I am plagued by the inSIgnificance of {my hfel when compared w"h the famIly herrrage, rhe role I mIght have played, the life I mlghr have led."

Rejened propositions from I-Ioward Hughes, Bun Lancaster, James Dean, Frank Sinatra, Warren Beatty ("1-11' would uy ro 'nferest me.,. by making allus,ons 10 the si~e of his penis"),Johnny Carson, and Henry Klssmger ("{T]he smell oflh,s} dirty socks was overpowered by his denlure brearh"). A haison wirh Rock Hudson ended rn premarure ejacularion ("Mamie ... I'm ... ah·umph, ah,uffiphingl.

ConSldett:d runnmg for governor, bue SIS' rer Agatha adVised 111m ro remam .n Congress.

Says she never really slept with a trumpet,

The Army was all set to send him on a se· ncr mission duting World War 11- he was gIven a plsfOl, a knIfe and a speCIal code number~bul then one of h,s children was born, so Oleg was aSSIgned ro a ceremonial cavalry trOOp III Kansas.

She lost siudio conrracts and important roles in films because she resembled Mar· ilyn; becauS<' Glona Grahame gOt hold of her audilion scrip, for Oklahq1Tltl.r; because she didn'r walll to move ro New York; be· cause she had to be tested for polio_

·YOu know ... [ don'r run rhls office on a qUid pro quo baSIS. I do favors for people because they need my help, nOt because rhey contrtbute to m~' campaIgn."

"Though I don't mean ro blame orhers for my drug abuS<', more and more rhose glamorous Palm Beach nights with such sparklers as Alfred Bloomingdale created a need for some diversion ro gel me Ihrough to Ihe dessert course:'

"I never considered myself a playboy, alrhough mhers pUI me in ,hat category."

"Ir was SInful that Ronald Reagan evct be· cam,· presIdent .... Bur ler me g,ve h,m hIS due: he would have made a hell of a kIng."

-Mine is nOl .. , a Slory of loss or failure. Ir is a stOry of survival. ... h is also, underneath rhe sensational headlines, rhe glir~ and glamour, a Siory filled wilh humor and affection'-

"s.;. much of my life-ofaU hfe in our {om·

QUOTES

Mamie ran into Marilyn Monroe al The Russian Tea Room. MarIlyn advised, "[Don't} fan in love with anybody in gov. ernment. Because afrer they fuck yourhey fuck you.-

"\'7ith Ralph Granata, polrucal aIde and praCllcal loker,"

No phoros.

BEST PHOTO

"What did the role call for? Vulnerabihry? Glamour? Cool elegance? Wharever a pat! required, [ always lTied 10 be ready'-

"In Palm Beach, with my look-alike, Srash RadZIWIIi. Yes, [ suppose rhere IS some resemblance, bUll still cannOt understand how my longtime fflend Frankhn Roosevelt, Jr., could have kept gertrng us confused,-

'Thank you:l said. "I couldn'r be happier if r was gening an Oscar."

"And whIle some of rhe work remaIns to be done, I must be a lucky man, for so much of my dream has already come uue"

"So If this book reaches but Q"f parent, so rhar he or she can find compassion in his or her hean for rhe other parent, or ifsome· where one child and one parent are kept together, thIS book- and all thar's happened t9 ms; will have been ,.,.,11 wonh j, co _ " -- - - -

"'I-Iow ((Iuld I nor?' I replied wnh a shrug, as Ih(' congrarulatlons of ancestors coursed rhrough my v('ms. 'I-Iow could 1 nor?'"

"1 .. ,tu,ned down the adva'KCS of several

"IT'S THE

po....-erful and important mcn ... because th~y

simply didn't appeal to me."

UTTLE PEOPLE WHO MATTER"

SURPRISE APPEARANCE BY

REGRETS

RATIONAUZAllONS

ESPECIALLY GOOD

CAPTION

...._T_ _

......-,

ple~, modern world-was engaged In lhe creauon and pursuir of ,1Ius,ons. I wondered, fleetingly, whar was real."

....

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AND A VOICE TO SING WITH: A MEMOIR hy joan Bfltz; Summir Books, $19.95; 378 pagu

FAMILY

Too MUCH Is NOT ENOUGH hy OrIon Befln; Lyle S'Nart, 114.95; 207 pagu

Born Dallas Burrows. "I suffe~d from the name Dallas; as soon as I g~w up and moved OUI, I changed It" To Orson Bun, curiously.

Jerry Falwell.

"Around Ht'Hford {North Carolmal I'm Jim or JImmy Hunter Un' complicated. counuy born and !alsed. given to .droppln· the 'g' from ,usr about everythm' I say:' Oakland A's owner Charlie FlOley dubbed him Calfish IUSI to be colorful

"My mOther wllS.Jhc hen; my fathet W1lS the rooster. We were little chicks."

P.tenrs' marroage was "IempeStuous; mOl her would threaten ~ulClde, dad would call her bluff. dad eventually ran off to Alaska. mom killed herself,

Father "''liS an agnoslic, alcoholic boodeg' ger who Illegally promoted cockfights and shot and killed hIS btorhet Garland in self·dc(ense; dad once killed an old employee's cat. cooked it and scrved it to the man as slluirrcl mUt; -We weren't m,l· honllMes . but we didn't suffel. elthel:

Father was a h.rd ....'OIklOg tenanl (Mmer who dIslIked buyeng on c~dlt so much thai he always earned $1.000 III cash

One, David HarriS. a draft·resistance or· ganizer. Cheated on him whde he was in iail; now divorced.

T....,o: actress·dancer Rain WlOslow, who thus became Ram Bun. Calolyn Max· .....1'11: now dIVorced

One,1>facel.

One, I-Ielen, hIS high school

One son, Gabe.

Four' MIChele (...... th Ra,n), Mu, SusIe and Ezekiel (wllh Carolyn) One Chnstmas hIS fam.ly made giftS for one another. ·We all ~membet 'I as our favorIte Christmas ever-

lbree:Jeny jr"Jeannie .ndJonath.n,

Thrte Todd, KIm and Paul

Basically heterosexual 10 her relationships, except for one affair wilh K,m rfresh, tan. skil1cry. ragged, shy, rebel· lious .... 'We bought bottles of Aqua Velva and Bay Rum and drenched ourselves in them"). Rt-c.lIs herself as • "PT. (prick tealer)" On the coffeehouse circui!. On mteting Don johnson allht livt Aid conctn, she said, "Hello. gorgeous. Could we d.scuss the possibihty of rape?'"

Tried to pt:r~uade Carol)'n to try open marrlage by argumg."look If you loved roasl beef more than anythms m the ....·arld. there'd stili be times when you felt hke eaung popcorn ......ouldn·1 lhere;" She res'sted, and he remamed fallhful bter she became attracted to Bob. a sWImming mSlfuetor.• nd Olson gave her perm.sSlon eo have a fling Afterward Bob drove her home on h.~ mOlorcyclt He .nd Or· SOn shook hands Carolyn Ihtn saul ro Or· son, ""m SlarVlOg for roasl betf .au IUS, If you please"

"Believe it or nOl, almost none of my peers .....t re sexually active before marriage." later il turned out that "my glands did ... function ... quile norm.lly."

When Clyde Kluen: .....as scouting for tht As, he rold Helen, then Humer's g.rl· friend, that he'd "sce a 101 of gIrls 10 the game They're gomg 10 be around every· whcte It's part of the gamt' You have 10 trust him" Hunter callslllmself"a I)fClty playful fella" and admits to belongIng to It hunting c1l.1b whose members enlO)' wav· 109 plas"c ptn,scs .t one another

For a timt afler David's arreSI, joan stopped .....e .ring clothes altogether.

Behe\"t'r m otgont IIll.'rapy. wherem one hI'S naked wh.le a doctor pummels Ihe body to break do..... n "umor>ng." \Xfhdt appearing In U:',II SM((tJJ Sport R«l! HMllftr'. he lIked to v.SItJaynt Mansfield's dreSSing room. where ~he greeted guesrs nudt

At fitslthoughtJim B.kker could be for· given his trysl with jessica Hahn ifhe was sinctrcly .el>enl.nr, but bt<:ame d,sma)'t'd by tht exttnr of)im's Iexual.nd finanCl.I slll'naillgans and his lack of (onuidon.

"An"lher !lme .....e caught Sparky llylcl "'1llklng n.ked out ofh,s hOlel room door wllh nOthlOg 10 h,s hands Funny)'t's Pretty. no. But .....e all stopped laughing when Sparky rtached beh,nd him and pulled a mom key our of his ass"

In Jun,or high)oan was oslraciztd by Cau, (aSian kIds who Ihoughl sht was M('Xlcan and by Mcxic.n kids benuse she dldn't .~puk Spanish. 'This sense of ISOla·

While on ntoad ..... ~y dotng Nl.vr Too UJft, btcame a regular 011 1" l;ft tht 1ruth

Bemg born again, an evei'll that look place atllw: kllChen table when he was 19. Jerry felt a "Iump, .. in my throat. And It wasn'llhe hoec.kes or Ihe falback bacon~

Had a sore arm m 1978. caused by an en· larp;ed coracoacromlal ligament A doclor t.....'slcd Ihe grm unullt made resound· IIlg rQH~=,a.'pI!LP0p· He'd brokt'n olf a

SCA"DAL

KIDS

FEEU"GS

CATFISH: My LIFE IN BASEBALL by jim ~CatfilhM HI/nler (/tlfl ArmtlJ K£leyian; foreword by George Sreinbre1JlItr; McGraw-Hili, $16,95; 242 pflgu

Joan Bae~. She considered changing her name 10 Mariah or Rachel Sandperl ("Rachel sounded biblical and m)'$Ierious .... 1 opted to keep my real name, as people might think I had changed it !>t. caUle it was Mexican").

BACKGROUNDI

SPOUS£(Sj

STRENGfH FOR THE JOURNEY: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY byJerry Fal",,"; Simon & SChUller, S19.95; 379 page!

ABOUT "UD£ SC£"ES

;~;.;.1I"

I~.l

.,_,,_,

~wcelhcarf

H,;"ur', h~ hked to vlSlfJayne Mansfield's dressmg room, where she greeted guests nude.

shenanigans and his lack of contrition.

whe,:;' SPirky reach7'd beh:n'd hIm --~ and pulled a room key OUl ofhts ass"

In junior high Joan was osuaci~ed by Cau· casian kids who thoughr she was Mexican and by Mexican kids because she didn't speak Spanish. "This sense of isola· tion ... initially led me to develop my voice."

While on Broadwaj' domg NtlJrr '100 Lau, became a regular on 1i> Tell the Trulh,

Being born again, an event that took place at the kitchen table when he was 19, Jerry felt a "lump ... in my throat. And it wasn't the hoccakes or the fatback bacon."

Had a sore arm m 1978, caused b)! an en· larged cOfO\coacromlalilgamem, A doctor twisted the arm untll,t made "a resound· mg noise - a big pop." He'd broken off a plCee of the h~amenr. andJ,m was healed.

Ira Sandperl, "a funny, brillianr, cantankerous, bearded, shaven-headed Jewish man" who was a Gandhi scholar.

Tolly Burkan, who taught Orson to over· come hIS fears by leallling to walk on fire. Tolly told h,m he could do It Ifhe'd "pay at· termon," "expeCt the best" and go for tt:' The nexr day, applymg those lessons, Or· son helped a conteStant un Pa1!warJ Will $45,00U

A "relJgious nut" he roomed with for a week at a school function who asked him ifhe was saved.

"[ always w;\/lled to be like my daddyright down fO sayin' no to sugar In my colft'(' or tea: Also tdohzed Clyde KIU1[2.

Rampant injustice.

"Ltve for now, IJve III the momenr, now IS the only ume there IS:'

Daily prayer. "When [ do fail to keep the appointed llme, it cripples the day:

A youth spell{ practJ<:mg. "My brothets and I musta thrown a zdhon pItches to each other"

A doctor gave her Thorazine to calm pre· nuptial jitters; she took Valium before having het hair bobbed; gave up Quaaludes, which she "Iol'iJ:'

"FemllllstS say housework tS demeanlllg It hberated me, Vacuummg became my

Has had a lifelong tasre for licorice.

Did twO stretches reststers.

jail for help.ng dtaft

Early 11\ h,s careet, stole comedy routines from VlClOr Borge, ra({onahzmg that Borge and he would never play the same clubs,

AdmIts to sp~dll\g, calls il"a small, safe sin"; was sued by the SEC for frau(! but was found nOI guilty,

Once Ired to the A's about havlI\g an arm tnJury III order to get OUt of playing winter ball m Venezuela.

Big ego-gave Lech Walesa a JOAN IlAEZ "f.shin when she mel hIm; often wrires In lhe second person smgular.

WIllIng to try anythll\g. -If there's a mass murderer somewhere mstde me, or a killer raptst or a child molester ... damn Ir, I Want to know. I ".on't go on bemH OUt of much wtth beautiful things lIlslde me for fear [ may find ternble thlflgs In there, too:

Is a malicious practical joker: in high school he put a live rar in a Latin teacher's desk, de·pantsed a gym teacher and locked a math teacher in a closer; years later he pUI an alligator in his wife's oathtub, "My pranks are lust another way for me to say '[ love you:"

None. Carfish tS a samr. Used 10 help the clubhouse man p.ck up wei towels. At a party wekommg hIm to rhe Yankees, he cleaned up a young teammate'S 'omlr.

Turned down $50,000 in 1961 to do a commercial for Coke.

As a chL!d, ''1'd be paId five cents .. hun· dred 10 kIll Illes wtrh a red rubber !l}' swar· ter: [n the '70s, had no Sleady employ· ment: "E\'ery four or fi,"C weeks, I flew to L.A. to appear on The 1ontf,hl Show. Whde I was there. rd knock off a week's worth of Thr Alateh Gamr.... We'd live for the next month on what rd eat ned:

During the 1986-87 fiscal year, the Thomas Road Baprisl Church "handlednearly SIOO milhon.

Signed wllh Yanks for 53,484,626 for five years. Recently the government paId h,m up ro 5324 an acre nor 10 grow crops.

She meditates before going on stage, "ask{ing] thar the ({me ... be spent for the betterment of humankind, ;n lhe service of God."

Doesn't claIm to know Gnd, but says he and Carolyn saw "the embodIment of pure eVIl" m theIr house one ntght aftet a group of Ausl1allan WItches tried to enhst them tn IheH coven.

"[ like to pray while [ am driving in my truck.-

His last words as a Yankee, spoken at Catfish Hunter Day, were "Thank you. God, for gtvmg me strefl/(th and makin' me ... ballplayer:

"Give life priority over all things. Over land. Over law. Over profit. Over prom' ises. Ovet all things:

"If a greasy.halred guy tn a HAPPINlOSS tS A TlGHT PUSSY "f.shirr ever offers you ad· VIce, fOt God's sake, dLl what the man say~:

"Once you've accepted Christ as Lord and Savior ... out Baptist code is simple.... We don't drink. We don't smoke. We dan', believe In immorality. ". We have our dress codes.... If you WantlO dislike somebody, that's fine. If you want to make war on somebody. that's fine, too. And unforlll' nately it seems often that if you want to ruin your health, destroy your marriage, and ignore your children because you arc ~uil<linl? a g~eat church, ther~ IS little con·

"I W.lnt to tdl {guys who loaf] that tfrhe)' don't wanr to play-go home. That's the W-oly I always thought about playlll' base· ball Any sr0rt at :lny thlllg"

SCENES

MENTORI INSPIRATION

SECRET OF SUCCESS

SUBSTANCE ABUSE

CRIMES

nHY

11\

FLAW

fiNDING GOD

At zoos, Carll,h and hIS reammates hked to feed the monkeys a variety of pLils ("See

thing:'

the monkey go ape shu").

"rrsTHE

_¥'" w.".~. ~~ ........ , .'""..". w .......... ", LXIJtve ,n ,mmoraloty" . We h"'\'e our dress codes." ,If you w~nllO d,sllke somebody, lhal's fine. If you want 10 make war on somcbody, that's fine, too. And unfortu· natdy " Sttms oflen thaI If you wam to ruw your health, desuoy your marriage, and Ignore your chIldren bccausc you are bUlld,ng a grUt church, there is hnle con, dcmna"on from your pt.~rs."

way-I always f"ought aboUl playfil"baseball Any SPOft Or any th1l\,ll;"

"The only !tenulne benefil 10 cdebut), Status ,~ beIng recogn,ud by head walters. The r",St I~ part ego trIP, part 1I\cunvelllenct.-

"1< was the Amcrlcan people, not the Moral Majority, who elected Ronald Rca, gan ... bm ......' hdped:

"I coulda ~u)"Cd 'n Nc" York ~fttr Ire, ured Heck. one corpamt,on sa,d I (ou!<ll,v!' In one of them Park Avenue co' ops rem-free 11\ exchange for public, II)< Where the kids gonna play" I asked"

Sy<!ney &hanberg and Dllh Pran,

Ohn MOl\lttomC1j', one of the &msbonl Boys Or..on\ parents Ihr!'w a I;ockt:atl part)'-fundralser for lum In the laIC 193Ck

SiSter Boom Boom, "the rad,cal homosexual aCllVlSt." Falwdl Introduced h,m 10 h,s son.

Ballplayers with guns. JIm's roommate In Kansas CIlY, Lew Krau~w, leaned out theH hOlel wlodow each o'J.:ht and fired two ShOlS fmnt h,s 38 speCIal Into the all, later, with the Yank«s,Jlln sa.,,' Thur, man Munson "pulhng out a 3H magnum Bam, bam, bam I-Ic Starrs fiung shols at a nearby fence,"

devclol~d

a lifelong fear of

"I dOll't regret anylhlng, IncludIng lhe m,s· lakes and lhe exco:sS<'s, I ,Jon'l re!tret the palO {Carolyn and I} pUI cach ofh!:r I for,ll;,ve us for evcrythlOS I throu,'\h forgive Gud and Senator Joe McCarthy and Vlad lhe Impaler. tOO BUI mOSt ofall, I forgive m~d("

NOllaking a Slronget "and again" segregallon duting Ihe Clvll-righls era.

Lou P,nlc!l" "h:ld th,s CUflOU~ lmlt" haLm ofalways louchlllg hiS haIr and smtlhns It while he talko:d"

Bob Dylan mumbled something 10 hrt aboUl mamage. She saId no. She and Bob talked playfully abOUI havlOg a baby named Shannon.

In lhe 19505, .... hcn Orson .... ~~ "lhe hortest young comiC un televISIOn; he publicly opposed bbckhstlog of lIllegcd CommUniSTS. A> a result, CBS shelve.llhe Ur10'1 &3" SIH1U' pilOt

Had hoped 10 play professional ba.$tball bUI gave It up to pleasc Deacon Lawson Johnson, who thoughl il was wfong 10 play ball on Sunday.

"I never saw Billy [MartIn} come to the ballpark druok~

"My mere exiStence as a rebellious, bare, fOOled, anllcstablishmem youoggltl funcIlomng almosl 100ally OUt of the comcxl of commercial music aod anaining such WIdespread nOloflelY deSlgoated me a COUfllerculrure herOine, ",hether Or nOI I underslood the ful1lml>Orl of the pomlOn"

"Now [DlId] wa~,I;one and I knew {Mom] "as gom,.: 10 llll herself And because I loved her, r wanled her to ~el lhe dying over wllh aUl I wouldn't stay around to ..... Jtch~

I'ecling buJlted by norlhetners who were Iclhng Ihe Soulh whal 10 do, FaI,,'C'1l called fOl preachers to SlOp shOWIng suppon for civil (lglllS. "Look"'g back I realize lhal I was speaklOS to onc POlOl while civil "gillS leaders were spt.'akmg to another:

"I like Gl'org., lSfelObrennerj Behmd all thaI Spll and polosh, Ihal bullshl1 bluster, Ihose lOP Gun' cap~, the red phone, I> one of Ihe mO~1 compasstnn:ue, unng, conSldetatc men you'll ever wam to meet"

"[ lcaned to"'ard {Marlon Brando] and talked 10 h,s ear. I told h,m thar he'd been a big part of my hfe. and thaI I often ,Jreamed aboul hun.... llhanked h,m for everylh,ng he'd been to me He looked confuS<'d."

·Suddenly, Ne.... Y<llk was TtM.· Emerald CIty of 0"" What an J.dvcIllure to be lhere I ,l:lanccd al mr rcfleCllon 10 ca.-h nore wmdow I passed, marvelllllg at the wonder of m~d(~

"The old leadershIp eonfcsscd their shame for haVIng S,ven mt such trouble, ... Tears were shed. Milch cheeseC3ke was consumed:

Ar All·Stal Ga.mes, "It's funny. the first ques"on ~t thlSC game~, at leas< amon,.: fhe plu)'ttS, IS never 'How you (InlO'" No, n's 'Sull gol lhe §ame wlfc""

"here was peace all around ;IS lltt." casde finally slept:

"He popped If 1I't10 hlS mouth aod lite ,t"

"And I hang on 10 Ihat prom;5t' like a sailor hangs on 10 a lIfc presetver while /loll.lIng on a slormy sca.-

~'lXlhelevef

Was irked Afflu,

;11

bt'ing lefl OUI of USA for

UTTU PEOPU WHOMATTU"

Al age five, vomlllOg.

REGRETS

MISSEO OPPORTUNITIES

RAnoNAUUTIOHS

LAST UN'

I .....alk, I'-hate\'cr I Jo, one faCl Will no:\'er change Daddy WIll ~lwa)'S he walklll' fllthl lhele with mc"

from

Cmz~

by Nicholas

eoll" 楼Oft

Hoffman

Cohn, Roy M, AIDS of his dC'nials 9ltC'mpted murdC'r of childhood and adolC'scC'ncC' of d('al making "dietingwritt'S gossip column crabs COntraCted by Eldridge's AIDS denied by engagC'ments of homosexuality of gay rights opposed heterosexual路homosexual question his denials his mothC'r's dC'ath and love affairs McCarthy and Reagans and Vaseline incident venerC'al warts mone')' hiddC'n by personal charactC'risrics of altitudC' to ",-omen blacks and drt'S$t'd by black maid favorite song female prosdtute's and incompe'tent driving love' of dogs marijuana masturbation orange tuxedo religious feelings tantrums lotally free of rules of life plastic surgery on storit'S of murders by suicide altempi of

from Moh Stor. TIN Slot)' 0# Jolin Gotti, Til. Most Powedul Criminol in A.merica by Gene Mllftain and Jerry Coped

Goni,John arrest for hilacking arrest for public intoxication and menace arrest on drug chargt'S assault and theft case boycOtt of Castellano路s funeral burglary arrest at 17 dearh of son drug involvement federal trial first adult arreSI first imprisonment gambling gang membership as hijacker indictment on murdet charge IOdictmem on racketeering and conspiracy

IQ kidnapping chargt'S official selection as boss of GambinO Faml1y racketeering chargt'S temper trial for McBramey killing use of alias

f rom W~ BeotfT & Desert E~s by David Thomson

from Copole: A. Biognlpll1 by Gerold Clo'"

Beatty, Warren abstinence as aClor with actresses campaign of 1984 and Caron. leslie' and Christie, Juhe and Collins.Joan and comedy face fatalism films unmade gambling and gayness and grandmother hepafJtis in hOlels and Hughes, Howard and Kael, Pauline and KeatOn, Diane and male figures manipulator and murors and mone')' mystery and Nicholson, Jack and Oscara paranoia and Phillips, Michelle and politics privacy in promotion provetbial and real characters ret:luslveness and MacLalOe, Shirley shyneu Sour Apple' Award and telephone and Toback, James "0 TV undrt'Ss voice weight and the wind and women and Wood, Natalie

Capote, Truman Garcia (Truman Streckfus Persons) abandonment furs of affairs of affectionateness of alcoholism of as Ariel and Puck boredom of career managemem of c10lhC'S and acct'Ssorit'S of wnvulsive sei:turcs of crushes of dancing of dieting of dreams of drug addicrion of C'avC'sdropping and snooping of effeminate behavior of egoism of fantasies of flamboyance of friendships dt'Slroycd by homosexual tende'ncit'S of hysteria of jaih08s of as King of the Revels love and admiration needs of as love life adViser lying of "men without faccs" of as Miriam nervous breakdowns of nervousneu of as nonconvenuonal paranoid hallUCinations of pets of psychotherapy of Pygmalion role of sexuallOitiarion of sexual preferences of as sissy sophisticatlon and style craved by spitefulness and revengefulness of women's rapport with

From Hemingway S. Lynn

by Ke"netn

•• an Garcia reckfus Persons) enl fears of ~ness

of d Puck

1 lagement of I accessories of seizures of

{ion of ing and , 01 behavior of

Hemingway, Ernest androgynous impression

created by an"iety about masculinity of beard of behaviorist psychology

interest of belligerence of ur accidents of cats owned by concussions suffered by crucifixion as preoccupation of crueley in correspondence of cuckolds scorned by

death as obsession of death feared by death wish of

double-cntcnJre jokes enjoyed by dressed as Marcelline's twin by mOther

"f demoyed by I tendencies of

{he Revels miur;on Idviser Ul

faces· of

akdowns of 101 :ntionaJ dlucinadons of

pyof "Ole of ({jon of

cences of >n and style

'od loess of IPOfl with

:....._1

drinking habits of electroshock uearment of extramarital affairs of gender identity as obsession of guns as preoccupation of hair as obsession of imaginary engagement of impOtenCe derided by impOtence suffered by incest in works by insanity feared by manliness as obsession of marriage feared by megalomania of mother figures in relationships of older women appealing to paranoia of passive streak in as perpetual adolescent premarital affairs of psychoanalysis scorned by "real thing" identified by slovenliness of sterility derided by suicide of suicide as obsession of suicide in family and among friends of suicide viewed as cowardly by vanity of vengeance sought by as womanizer

from Moiln: Hi6 LiftJ ond Times by Peter Man60

Mailer, Norman a(Cents affecred by arrests of bar mitzvah of "big book' as fixation of birth comrol eschewed by boxing as inrerest of bullfighting project of clothes of combative personality of culinary skills of deadliness and death thoughrs of drinking habits of drugs used by ear.ing habits of elbow-banging of as tn/ont uffibl, extramarital telationships of as fascinating talker first sexual experiences of gate-crashing disliked by as genius good manners of hangers-on and hit on head with hammer Jewishness of lesbians and libel suits against macho behavior of Manichean ideas of marital fights of mayoral aspirations of narcissism of orgone box owned by oversensitivity and megalomania ascribed to place in history sought by plagiarism charges against pornography as interest of poses assumed by as Reichian roles imposed on wives by sex survey conducted by on stabbing of Adele staring contests with vulgarities in writings of wives of on writing while angry

"No, I Haven't Read the Book but I Loved +««< the Index!" BY BARRY WALDEN

s wf/ve just demonsh'ated, every celebrity life-whether it is celebrated because of a tol.nt for cracking on. liners, because of the way it intersects with other celebrity lives or because of a pcuticulort, lurid bout with substance abuse-is mode up of the some basic stuH in the end. There are always the usual strong feelings about nude scenes, poinful but enlightening 10000e oHairs, important mentors to be thanked, as well as all those linle people who really, really do matter. And whether sober or shrill, scondolous or merely infor. mcrtive, the one thing all celebrity-confenion books hove in common is that they cost more than any reasonable person cores to spend. So if you've finished our 1988 guide but wont more, try this: while brawsing in a bookstore, open the biography of your choice to the bock and read the indel entry for that celebrity's nome. Note, however, that this toctic doesn't generally work with the autobiography: most memoirists tend to whitewash themselves, and when they do get to the goad stvH, they seldom call attention to the dirt by indeling it. For eJtomple, the indel of Willie Mays's autobiography, Soy Hey, has entries for "early years" and "traded by SF Giants" but nat for "abstinence" or "and Wood, Notolie," which are tfle first and lost listings under Warren Beatty's nome in David Thomson's biography of Beatty. ben with biographies, though, this technique is not foolproof. Peter Feibelmon's fawning biography of Lillian Hellman, Lilly, has no listings, for elomple, under "pothologicallying." But genet'OlIy the method is sound, as is proved by the abridged indu: entries at left.

Sweet Smells of Success ~ or those with neither the time nor the inclination to curt up with a good, cheesy celebrity tell-oll book - or even to stond in the aisle of a boobtore and furtively scan the in. du: of a good, cheesy celebrity tell-oll book - we offet. on ollet'native. Walk into Bloomingdale's and inhale deeply. let the mere vapors of greatness-the scented essences of a Liz Taylor, a Moria Thomus or a Tovo Borgnine-donce in your nostrils and ploy on your imagination. (Mmmm-smells tile Aaron Spelling's powder 100m.) Or, for a more intimate encounter with fGme, money and undeniable glamour, cruise the store's main-floor COsmetics counters (the equivalent of browsing in Barnes & Noble's biography section) and allow yourself to be sp,itzed with one of these signature perfumes by a cosmetologically obsessed sales" clerk. Or, eosierstill, consult the following guide and imagine how Liz and Marlo and Tovo - especially Tova-smell.

Behind

Snnn. the Scent

Niki 54illl PilaU,: Fmuh KlilpflW t/ p. g."II•. o;;h,.si· , ..I, "'/IIIlir,l·

onI/ - . "'" pa"'''

GIOri4 V""IUr' 6ill: bl/ll'-fran and StIiaJ-rJrtJ1illg littnstr

hft n~

0.'

"', •d,

... .-...

lice

... .nd

54;"t Ph4/h: )\" ..~liJ"s JO# is

h..,." 114/.... .• If ""tkn,."t! why, . pk IlIIIgh ",JurI IIflliw six. fisll j" t.w.. Itu, "J" _ ••• -1«11, !'"h.ps I ,,,,, 1ltUkrShlIIIi _ . " iiI/II I.tffff. Itfur ,,11, ",lus;s pwI. ~//Irf

if""""

fit.,,' It~ i••gi".titnl, "j NyD,ul ",ailt'} Y"", ,,,,,', tkfiw it; It is" ''''114-''" thilri ~'"' (1.1# U ,m 1w1l"11 II" is j."t6.J" " "..;11.... {M] pwfit., IS} II .,:lC1,m I{falltmJK fhu:"'l, I{ lIN SIf". IN • •"1,.",/1 r{ _polls, ,;" IIIJstiqllt -lIN ..." "lUI 'l<ln, ,.."I" J.Jb II{ 1tJw:

WHm WOMAN'S IU_DIM PTm nIt.": ·TIN WfWId #j'Gloriolis is tlH ,h",.",td ...'(Wld IjGbwi"

ValltUTbt'I's "u'lh ... II ",,,gitalwasiiU li"g@I/fof spanlti"B /l,,,,b whatJ {I//{/ spirilttl g"""s ./ ~ Ilri,"d p.uj(ions.. of d.b,,'.nl'l in ~I Sllmm., rOIlOlll "lid Ih",. alltlllillt !>ta"" in whil' dllrill .IIdIlfaw boaltn. , , , Splmdid m.MiOllS Jl/ .mOllK m.gllifirtlll, fllsh jUswtYinC ga...ullS r,,""i"g 10 lIN ua al? sfill a s,m"" of Ipklldor, til .fivt alld IIibralll .1 UJt1tI,J W/Jm.II. ... 511.h shilflln.,illg .,m· ori,l lim".nnM/.m. TJxylmgt' fitrrwr. (.pllmd IoJ.,tll n'''" Hftrt ill Glorious."

ltis:

AltTISnC UCINSI

Deeonstructing the Packoge Design

qult ...•[ ",{him,," !mllts br1ltilrh brilli.nll,

;

do In<-

m£

The Philosophy of tfle Eponymous Smell

S4phia Lltrtll; ttrll, WIll ".,. JtrWJ ur hffnt

i. oX

WE All THE WORLD Lltrtll:"/Yr .', /N dllm'"1

c..lhtrin( DtIftIlW; _Ii",t

ing

,I. .0'

... :urt

T.~

Cetwn; burrJ

"', '.0

....... m. ~~

Ie's

.of ~~

,ow

T/HI. Borpilft: qlltl( li",pl" /\I,.s. E,.nUI (McHale'S Navy, Wil· latd) Borg"i",

,us "'s .. ~",ivtr,

".J

s.. "a"I"""/ pts"hfttl; ... a",,," arId ",lIsJt:

Prtn ,.,1(4st: "Rtjlm;'IIs of GI",.,4 V."Jn6illJ .h,ltlh«NI .t tM /"bltti 'Brt.iItrs' bJ th, s'a ..I? ,aptllrta III shifl/fl/trilfg /.uua glau. 511btf, 'IIrlltti, ,mllialing rh,Ihfl/i,alf,6rrall· ing W"/!tS. Th. burnishta, gold,n·hll,a fragr.nu il rtfr.(ttd Ihl'Oligh Ihm gtnlit ' ..rws, Ip.rlt(ing Itll, Iht Illmm., SII" glhltning off 1M Il1Ialilali"g Ita. TIN gi/ma, ,ulIIgaltti, taptrta ,apl.rt IItlptrta by lIN opllitnt tkcor.."w .11· ..""s ..lIaIphlfaia arrhit«tllr..1mlallt }llllla ",·"h,n 'TIN B,.,..Ittn:"

~ IlIptrbl, orrhts· tralta jloral 11.11' qlltt. .. tht ""' '/fIHt/im'''1 of GI()ria V.lltUrbil/J spl,"dia htril.gt and lift-slyl, .. . lang.,· in•.. .j.I",int. , . m/lllll ... Vllill" ... p"lrlx»tlt.•. sandal· WIIOli... 041lmOll:

$190

P,.,u ,.,u..u: "Tht rith !11'1."tu/, ..""

'" I",.al "'qlltf wilh .,nlftal __ 101/(1. .j41",i .

$140

PrtSS ,.,f'aw "MarlOJ pa(lIagillg mall,s. IlIxuriolll st.ltmt1/1 ill ruJ, gold .nd f.(tlta Ir,ital. TIN box IS brighl ruJ, IlJllh tI boiJ aiamo"a dnip ill goJJ alia blllrll, ..na II» Marlo Itgnalllrt. I"Jlm. (arh ptr/llf1/( alfa c.Iopt bofll, h,rs .11 arl tkn /«1, /l.wh /aa/tti gum alul goJJ ."pl."

';1 ll1/iqllt floral bOllqlltf ... jalmtnt .na,fallg-,fang . .. utfilltr ..na salf· J.fwwJ:

$160

PrtSJ rtluIt: ·EJ.Jtoralt III-sun nSlials ",",II Ch1/1l. f4 dlUtlfglllsh ,''' flJII1'1IN: ""1I{1lt f4 Biu.beth Tayloc$ Passion."

" J#IIs/ll.1 !u"" r{ br,llialfl p ..1 alfa diJ/i.rriw .rn,,/..1 lI.ttS···I..S.;II(,

$165

ing for on, ptr/«f fragranu Ih., Willi'" lIup lip wilh all lIN wulJI.n I am. £arh ofliS IJ mall,aiffir. W/Jm(", 1,1Ui"'g 4l"Iiw, mm'lIIaillg f,ws. If/i,., coIIslall",'II llu go. Marlo wlI' mllm 10 Ian liS Ibrollgb IhI J.] .IIa illll IN Iflghl-il's "'fI"I, spiriltd, ~.i"i",.... II "jum . , J1"'6l1al Jlyl(:

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Ja.

SCOTCH PROMOTIONAL SUPPLEMENT

FRIGHTENING BUT ELECTABLE ~r:C~ll~

BUT FRIGHTENINGLY

)

UNFRIGHTENING BUSH IS WIMPY

THEJ

roTCH

• I

- BUT ADRIFT

TRUMP SHOULD STICK TO CASINOS NORTH IS HISTORY

ROBERTSON

IS THE LESSER

OF TWO PREACHERS ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

AMERICA MAY BE READY

FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

AND EUGENE McCARTHY IS

APPARENTLY NO LONGER WITH US AND MORE! ,/

DESIGN BY DRENmL DoYL:£ PARTh'EIlS

The )&B Scotch CAMPAIGN

MAfIIUAL

~---------ASPECIAI. J • • SCOTCH PROMOTIONAL

MENT

As the Reagan administration totters to its close and History

/Ill /'II'! /,\-1: S/lI/tI,

/{1I1I1I1I1J.:·l/f/!t (jill '//111/ gleefully rubs its hands together whi!e.considering how to treat this, uh unique epISode ofAmencan politICS, steps are being taken AND ANYWAY to determine what happens next. This summer, two southern cities GERALDINE will sweat forth two candidates, one ofwhom will inherit, come next January 20, the presidential TelePrompTer and, many experts predict, a complete national mess. But a proud, patriotic, standingISADEMOCRATAND BUSY KEEPING HER FAMILY tall sort ofnational mess. OUT OF PRISON It may seem, under our political system, that candidates are A solid majority of Republicans nominated by anonymous delegates wearing buttons and hats who fill in the J&B Scotch PoU-54'Kr--felt that Bush should make no your TV screen every four years and then go home to God-knowsspecial effort to select a where-but in fact it's someone else who chooses the nominees. Right. qualified woman as his You choose the nominees and, indeed, the president-you, the running mate; only 31% felt he should. Broken down into readers of]&B Scotch promotional supplements designed to look like categories of gender. schoolreal articles in SPY. You and no one else. It's in the Constitution, ing, ideology, age, race, religion and income. only two although in very small type. Republican subgroups So who will it be, then, standing there in the cold next to the managed to reach 50'1 in the Reagans on Inauguration Day? Suppose it's Michael Dukakis: the out- YES! SPECIAL EFFORT. PLEASE! column-blacks going president, a man who has had trouble pronouncing Bush, may and lS.to-24-year-olds then have to utter three unfamiliar syllables. Suppose it's George Bush: (72%) (50%). Among GOP women, an especially addled Reagan, caught up in the spirit ofcontinuity and incidentally, 52% thought Bush should not make a special recognizing in Bush a vaguely familiar face, may resume the status effort to pick one of their ilk as quo and simply not see the need to board the plane for California. his running mate.

FERRARO

THE SECONDJBcB SCOTCH POLL

RIDE ON ROUTE '88

We've tried to anticipate January, and November, and certainly July and August, by conducting another in a series of]&B Scotch Polls. This time-honest-we asked really vital questions: Would a DukakisJackson ticket defeat a Bush-Dole ticket? How would Mario Cuomo fare against Bush? How would Jesse Jackson fare against Pat Robertson, or Oliver North, or Donald Trump? Which ofthe major candidates would be the most frightening as president? What do Americans feel is the likelihood ofhaving, in their lifetime, a president who is black,jewish, homosexual or a woman-{)r allfour? Andcrucially-is Spiro Agnew still alive? This J&B Scotch Poll was conducted by Penn + Schoen Associates between April 29 and May 3. Eight hundred voters, randomly chosen from around the nation, were interviewed by telephone. The statistical margin oferror in the results is plus or minus 3.5%. If the results bother, frighten or mystify you, keep in mind that a random national poll cannot take into consideration the celestial alignments governing each person who answers the phone on a given day; for some ofthese respondents, speaking their minds with the solar system looking that way on that day could have been disastrous. 2 The JAB SCotch CAMPAlCN MANUAL

7li1' !-irs' /&U .... (o/ch .lltallll t1'-( a1111tda( f ()U('st'lJlI

NATION TO CUOMO:

MARIO

KEEP YOUR DAY JOB

If the Democrats, desperate for charisma, were to run

Cuomo against Bush, Bush would win, 45" to 33%. But 22% of those polled remained undecided. Apart

from Democrats and selfprofessed liberals, the only

groups that would back Cuomo are blacks (36% to m) and northeastern voters (42% to 39%).

Clearly. the late eighties a is no time for charisma.

A SPECIAL

J.' SCOTCH

PROMOTIONAL SUPPLEMENT

E [) ~D ILY

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nlte n

ush lut ut ~足

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'a The }&8 Scotch C"-P.uQN MANUAl.. 3

A SPECIAL JaB SCOTCH PROMOTIONAL SUPPLEMENT

The]&B Scotch Republican Satis/adion Question:

JACKSON BUSHED The ]&B Scotch Presidential Election Question:

FORMER

VICE PRESIDENT

BUSH And PresidentDukakis. According to the J&B Scotch Poll, in an election between Bush and Dukakis, Dukakis would win rather easily, 47'% to 39%. The percentages feU where you'd expect along party lines, and among Independent voters it was a dead heat at 43% apiece. Dukakis, who speaks Spanish and claims to be passionate with his wife, did especially well against Bush among Hispanics (71% to 25%) and women (50% to 34%).

Bush would defeat Jackson by a margin of 50% to 36%, if it ever came down to a race between the whitest and blackest candidates. Yet Jackson would manage, even against Bush, to get 24~ of the conservative vote. And Bush would get 8% of the black vote.

HELPING GEORGE

FIND A PLACE TO CALL HOME As we know, Bush is a man of many homes-home is where he was born, grew up, works, votes, summers or happens to be campaigning that morning. One question in the J&B Scotch Poll suggested a way for our citizen-of-the-world vice president to settle down, at least philosophically. Moving roughly westward, Bush encountered an increasingly large minority of Republicans who were dissatisfied with his selection as their nominee: in the Northeast, only 14% were dissatisfied with Bush's nomination; in the South, the number grew to m; in the Midwest, 32%; and in the Wes~ 40%. Meet George Bush, Bar Harbor's favorite son.

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(jill 'sf i" n.' .

JESSE IS

ELECTABLE IF THE OPPONENT IS PAT, DON OR OLLIE We asked voters to suppose that Bush were to drop out of the race for "'personal reasons"-and whether that meant wanting to spend more time with his grandchildren or wanting to retire to his native Texas or his native Maine or his native Connecticut, we didn't specify. We then proposed a series of alternative Republican nominees to run against Jackson, and we're happy to report that our collective national security is in decent shape. •Jackson would defeat failed libel plaintiff and noted Christian businessman Pat Robertson, 50% to 18%, with 32% undecided. Even among conservatives, Jackson outpolled Robertson, 36% to 30%. • Jackson would defeat failed libel plaintiff and noted foreign-policy expert Donald Trump, 45% to 24%, with 31% undecided. Interestingly, the figures are consistent in all regions of the country, suggesting that Trump is admired or loathed about the same everywhere. •Jackson would defeat future libel plaintiff and noted national hero Ollie North, 48% to 28%, with 24% undecided. Despite his honorary degree from Jerry Falwell's prestigious uberty University, North fared best among those with a less-than-high-school education, though he lost even in that category.

4 The J.B SCotch u..\IPAlGN MMuAL

A JI,B SCOTCH FACT

More people 50 years old or older think that

Jackson is the wimpiest candidate than think Dukakis Is wimpiest. Which

raises the question: do your parents know what wimpy means?

The]&B Scotch

Wimp Question:

VICE PRESIDENT MILQUETOAST YOUR IMAGE IS

SECURE We asked who was "wimpiest"-Bush, Dukakis or Jackson. Bush strategists should be happy to hear that their guy managed to finish second ... to the undecided vole, 37% to 35%. That figures: people don't even credit Bush for the power of his lack of conviction. Or something like that. Dukakis drew 17%, and only 11% thought Jackson was wimpiest.

ASPECIAL J • • SCOTCH PROMOTIONAL SUPPLEMENT

E E ,

Iy .Iy e

•• •

Jaekson, applymg a lethal body slam to Pat Robort&On. shlko5 terror in tag-toam opponents North and Trump.

Thej&BScotch CAMPAIGN

MAHU,u 5

ASPECIAL JaB SCOTCH PROMOTIONAL SUPPLEMENT

WHAT DOES

AMERICA

Another ]&B Scotch Running-Mate Question:

JACKSON ISA

LADIES'

MAN

AT LEAST IN ONE SENSE When we asked Democrats and Independents whether Dukakis, if he were nominated, should ask Jackson to be his running mate, opinion was fairly evenly split: 41% said yes and 40% said no. Men said no, however, by 47% to 37%, while women said yes 44% to 34%.

A J&B SCOTCH FACT

Party loyalty usually counts for plenty. but even among Republicans Bush scored embarrassingly high on the wimp meter_ Republican pollees gave Dukakis the wimpiest路candidate title, but by a very slim margin-2S% to 23%-over their own candidate, Bush.

6 The JaB Scotch

A JaB ICOTCH FACT

The only region whe,. Bush defeated Dukakls wal the South, and by Just 43% to 42%.

The J&8 Scotch Morality Question:

HE SAYS

HE RAN

THE BOSTON

MARATHON

BUT DID ANYONE ACTUALLY

SEE HIM

DOlT? When asked which of the three-Bush,Dukakis, Jackson-was "the most moral in his personal life," almost half (48%) said they had no idea. Jackson and Bush each received a modest 19%, but Dukakisquite obviously a shifty wild man with skeletons crowding his closets and a shady career rife with possible corruption and serious ethical questions that just won't go away-received only 14%. Clean up your act, governor. Say you go to church or something.

CAMPAIGN MANUAL

FEEL AMERICA IS READY FOR?

Voters were asked whether they thought this country would have, in their lifetime, each of the following: a black president, a woman president, a Jewish president or a homosexual president. In case their answers prove prescient, Jesse Jackson should keep at it, Pat Schroeder might want to try again and New York's Andy Stein should shop for a more presidential hairpiece. But Massachusetts congressman Gerry Studds might as well stop trying out the sound of "President Studds." And maybe, come to think of it, change his name besides. The results: -7ffiJ thought it was likely there would be a black president in their lifetime, while 22% thought it unlikely. Whites were a little more positive than blacks on this question71% vs. 68% saying yes. The 65-and-overs were understandably more doubtful, having less lifetime left. although 56% still felt they'd live to see a black president -61% thought there would be a woman president, 32% thought not. As with blacks and whites, men were a little more positive than women here-64% vs. 58% saying yes. Among the 65-and-overs, 49% thought they'd live to see the day. -62% thought they'd someday see a Jewish president, 22% thought they wouldn't. Once again, the discriminatees were less sanguine than their fellow citizens: Protestants and Catholics felt it was more likely than did "others," a category that included Jewish respondents. -11% thought they'd live to see a homosexual president, while 81% thought it wouldn't happen. The most positive views on the subject were expressed by some other "others" : among people who identified themselves as other than white, black or Hispanic, 23% thought there'd be a homosexual president in their lifetime. The notion was seen as more likely, too, in the Northeast and Westthough still unlikely even in those regions. -The likelihood of a black, woman or Jewish president in our lifetime was considered aboul the same across different political parties and ideologies. Not so regarding views on a future homosexual president, where 17% of liberals and only 6% of conservatives said yes.

ASPECIAL JaB SCOTCH PROMOTIONAL SUPPLEMENT

,d s

, g A black as president? A woman? A Jew? Ladles and gentlemen, meet Michael "Zelig~ Dukakls!

The j&B Scotch

C'-PA!QN MANUAl. 7

â&#x20AC;˘ ADo c u

PRO M OTI 0 N AL S U PPLEM ENT

[hd&B "icolch \\ ho'"

WHAT'S THE

AND ITS RELATION TO

MAnER

ACTUAL DEATH

ELECTORATE

MR.ANDMRS.

SURELY YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF A L1nLE

We mentioned the names of four people who had once been active in presidential politics, and asked whether they were (a) still alive or (b) no longer living. These are the responses:

IAMBIC PENTAMETER?

-Spiro Agnew, more undead than actually living, proved puzzling to a sizable 42% of those questioned (17% thought he was dead, 25% weren't sure); 58% knew that the disgraced Agnew was still, technically, among us.

We asked voters which of the three candidates-Bush, Dukakis or Jackson-would be the most frightening as president. It's a testimony to Dukakis's resounding dullness that

- HenlY "Scoop" jackson would surely thank the optimistic 10% who thought he was alive, ifhe only could: he died in 1983. More than half (54%) couldn't say for sure what jackson's status was vis-a-vis earthly existence, and 37% got it right

only 8% thought he

- Reactions to Eugene McCarthy's name, in this context, were divided almost equally: 32% thought he was alive, 36% dead, 31% didn't know. He's alive, a fact that will surprise some two-thirds of the population, it seems.

would be the scariest president of the bunch. Bush, the fonner CIA director who subscribes to no beliefs of his own,

- It's easy to see why Harold Stassen, the perennial candidate, who is running again this year, has never gained the White House: 61% of the electorate has no idea-and this is problematic in a candidate-whether he is alive or dead. (The same could arguably be said, after certain speeches, of Dukakis or Bush, but their campaign organizations are better than Stassen's and seem able to compensate.) As for the rest-the portion that was sure-l7% thought Stassen was alive, 23% dead.

most tenified 26%. Jackson, the minister who has never held public office and subscribes to too many beliefs of his own, was the winner of the Mr. Fear award, voted most

Gfthe four, then, only Agnew was generally thought to be alive. Ofthe three presumed dead, two actually weren't, and one of those is still running for president.

frightening by 43% of the electorate.

And .''';!lfl Anti/liN J&n S,o/cll RUlIlIlIIg-'\/atr OurS/11I1I

MIKE Be JESSE Be GEORGE Be 80

The JaB SCotch CAMPAIGN

-The Republican ticket's chances improved with age-the age of those polled, that is. Among lS.to24-year-olds, Dukakis-

MANUAL

1988 C

POLITICAL DEATH

breakdown demonstrates that this alignment of candidates neatly divides the nation into symmetric and opposing camps (suggesting some kind of astrological inevitability; but donlt ask us, ask Nancy):

1'II~h(('1l1l1R (Jllt'"IIOIl

FOUR CASE STUDIES IN

What might happen with a Dukakis-Jackson ticket versus a Bush-Dole ticket (assuming the latter pair could be browbeaten into behaving courteously toward each other)? Split decision, essentially: 45% to 44%, advantage Democrats, with 11% waffling. Message to Dukakis: give Jackson anything he wants-except the vice-presidential nomination. A more detailed

Ace

jackson would win, 52% to 38%. In the 65-or-older group, the situation would be reversed, with BushDole winning by 51% to 35%. - White voters chose the Republicans by 49% to 4<Y!6, just as they have in every election since 1964. Black voters were less divided, choosing Dukakisjackson by 83% to 5%. -The Democrats took the

Northeast and Midwest, while the Republicans took the South and West. - Men chose Bush-Dole 49% to 44%. Women chose Dukakis-jackson 46% to 39%. Clearly, the American male voter has a secret proclivity toward monosyllabic names, while the American female voter continues to be attracted to ethnic men.

Pro-A". Nightlif. C ham J

A~~ountofthe

1988 Celebrity Pro-Am Iron man

Nightlife Decathlon Championship

., ?

, I

Writer

ANTHONY HADEN-GUEST,-

1960s Champion

Journalist CARL BERNSTEIN,. ------'I路

19701 Champion

Editor MORGAN ENTREKIN,.---

1980s Champion

or many of us, the glory days- a happy era of multiple·srop nights On the town, individual hangovers merging into one, periodic paternity suits, misplaced panty hose-seem positively Pleistocene: it's been a

while. Indeed, in the decades·long Ironman competition ro choose the hardiest night crawler; that test of conversational dexterity, relentless drinking, sexual ruthlessness and the mysterious something that is perhaps best

described as an imperviousness to appearing ridiculous in the eyes ofsensible adults, we at SPY are-unashamedly-also-rans. Other souls, made of Sterner stuff, have also been winnowed from the competition in the years since Studio 54 closed: whete are Dianne Brill, Halsron and Andy Warhol now' A team of experts we impaneled in a booth at Nell's said-with near

unanimity- that over the decades the city's standout Nighdife Achievers have been writer Anthony Haden·Guest (1960s champion), author Carl Bernstein (1970s champion) and ediror Morgan Enttekin (1980s cham· pion). At least, that's what we think they said. It was kind of hard ro hear. How can these three men behave as they do and still be

What de chaffs, I charmin, Simon B has writl several 0

as productive as they are? Entrekin, after all, has his own office; Haden-Guest writes for magazines every year

without fail; and Bernstein has spent half a decade working on an entire book. Or is ir precisely because they com· POrt

themselves with such abandon - experience fueling the creative

flame-that they are so professionally impressive?

In any event, these are three life forcer we're talking about. But only one person can be said to be the true nighdife champion, and we decided to find out who he is. We asked aspiring litterateurs and amateur gumshoes J 0 H N B ROD IE and BOB MAC K to follow in the three titans' footsteps

c A. man" both Du Mell) an might fee Not Carl night gat

for an evening so that we could judge the performances of Entrekin, Haden· Guest and Bernstein in ten categories (hours spent out, number of celebri·

ties seen, number of drinks drunk, and so forth). Thus, on randomly chosen evenings this spring- evenings no more nighdife-intensive than any others in the lives of these three men-each

competitor was tracked, on foot and by Ford Tempo, from party to nightclub to private liaison, by this determined pair of Spy operatives who

sought only knowledge and were willing to record the intimate details of perfect strangers' activities to attain it. To ensure a fair competition, the subjects were unaware, until now, that they were participants in the 1988

Celebrity Pro-Am [ronman Nighdife Decathlon Championship. The results are before you. Who will win?

lne COUr! IcShing in

Though I been an dissOlute LighfJ. 8;~

or many of us, the glory days- a happy era of multiple·stop nights on the rown, individual hangovers merging into one, periodic paternity suits, misplaced panty hose-seem positively Pleistocene: it's been a

while. Indeed, in the decades·long lronman competition to choose the hardiest night crawler, that tesc of conversational dexterity, relentless drink· iog, sexual ruthlessness and the mysterious something that is perhaps best

described as an imperviousness to appearing ridiculous in the eyes ofsensible adults, we at SPY are-unashamedly-also-rans. Other souls, made of Sterner scuff, have also been winnowed from the competition in the years since Studio 54 closed: where are Dianne Brill, Halston and Andy Warhol now' A ream of experrs we impaneled in a booth at Nell's said-with near unanimiry- that over the decades the city's standouc Nightlife Achievers

have been wrirer Anthony Haden·GueSt (1960s champion), author Carl Bernsrein (1970s champion) and editor Morgan Entrekin (l980s cham· pion). At least, that's what we think they said. It was kind of hard to hear. How can these three men behave as they do and still be

Whate chaffs, charmi Simon has wri several

as productive as they are? Entrekin, after all, has his own office; Haden-Guest writes for magazines every year

withour fail; and Bernsrein has spent half a decade work· ing on an entire book. Or is it precisely because they comPOrt themselves with such abandon-experience fueling the creative

flame-that they are so professionally impressive?

In any event, these are rhree life forcer we're talking abour. But only one person can be said to be the true nighrlife champion, and we decided to find out who he is. We asked aspiring litterateurs and amateur gumshoes

A man both D Men) a

might f( Not Cal night g~

J 0 H N BROD IE and BOB MAC K to follow in the three titans' footsteps for an evening so that we could judge the performances of Entrekin, Haden· Guest and Bernstein in ten categories (hours spent out, number of celebri·

ties seen, number of drinks drunk, and so forch). Thus, on randomly chosen evenings this spring- evenings no more nightlife-intensive than any others in the lives of these three men-each

competitor was rracked, on foot and by Ford Tempo, from party to nightclub to private liaison, by this determined pair of Spy operatives who

soughr only knowledge and were willing co record the intimate derails of perfeCt strangers' activities to attain it. To ensure a fair competition, the

The (ou

subjects were unaware, until now, that they were participants in the 1988

Though

Celebrity Pro-Am Ironman Nighrlife Decathlon Championship. The results are before you. Who will win?

llshing i been an dissol ut( i..JghlJ. B

Thursday, April 14, 1988

" ..Q'.

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5:35 p.m.: We take up a position outside HADEN-GUESTs blue· .' and-white townhouse, on East 80th Street, somewhat daunted by what appears to be a security guard patrolling a nearby driveway. He rums out to be a parking-lot attendant. After 3S minutes, we determine thar HADEN-GUEST must be elsewhere, perhaps already regaling his friends with the story of how earlier in the day he served as a superprestigious honorary race official at The Manhattan Yacht Club's 1988 Legend Cup race.

',,It :

ANTHONY HADEN-nEST

. : CD) . ..

7:00 p.m.: HADEN..GUE5T arfives 10 a dmner Jacket and with his trademark cowlick tamed, es· corting a matron whom he deposits along wirh his coat on a lower floor. While grazing on cheese sticks and champagne, he enrertains a circle of lesser celebrities, including superfamous diver Volerie Taylor, with a stream of witty banter. '.

What does Anthony Haden·Guest do? He chaffs, he sparkles, he talks Britishcharmingly about his upcoming book for 6:25 p.m.: Aware that HADEN· Simon & Schuster and about articles he 8:05 p.m,: HADEN·GUEST leaves ~ Asprey, walks north on Fifth Ave. has written for Ntw York and Vanity Fair, '. "": GUEST is expected at ~ receP.ti.on . - . _. nue and catches a cab going east · . - at Asprey, the expenSive Brltlsh several of them within the last decade. ....................................................................... long-awaited book on his parents and the effacing dry benefactor Donold Trump. McCarthy era-another manuscripr, as it 7:15 p.m.: By now Timu colum· happens, commissioned by the patient house of Simon & Schuster. Bernstein ".-r-: ni~t Abe Rosenthal.and his w~fe, .' Shirt.,. Lord, recordmg executive spends most of his time interviewing peo· pie who've never met his parents, hUI thaI's Ahmet Erte9un, Kothorine Graham, Rupert jusl the kind of admirahly IhDrough reporter Murdoch, Senotor Doniel Patrick Moyni· he n. hon, Jeny Kosinski, TimtJ editor Warren Hoge, Peter Maos, Brooke Astor, and the Monday, April 18, 1988 ubiquirous 5u~ have all walked rhrough the revolving doors and smiled delightedly 6:58 p.m.: We park our Ford to see the inflatable 2S·foor-high pink ". , : Tempo in front of The Chrysler birthday cake topped off- hey, that's A man who has been played on film by · .. Building's Lexington Avenue en- nutty!-with a ten·foot-rall teddy bear: both Dustin Hoffman (All lhe PruidenlJ rrance and await the throng expected for Men) and Jack Nicholson (Hearthurn) Hew YOIi magazine's twentieth-birthday 7:52 p.m.: CARL BERNSTEIN, might feci he had the right to take it easy. party. The first guest to arrive-two min· .:). :. loo~ing ~apper in a blue suit and Not Carl Bernsrein. He's our almost every .. ' whIte ramcoat rhat complement utes early, in a tuxedo. bur without his night gathering material for Dishyal, the wife, former top model I"ana - is self- his luxuriant gray hair, arrives by cob at

''/. 0

·... G

CARL BERNSTEIN

·(.. CD

.. Q)

.......................................................

who will srop dancing long enough to listen, that he is one of thc hardest·working book editors in New York. Tuesday, March 29, 1988

.... (1) .. t..

luggage·and·knickknack store in supertasteful Trump Tower, we pilot our Ford Tempo to 56th and Fifth and immediately spor legendary 52-inch·high Esquire editor Lee Eisenberg,

5:30 p.m.: We arrivc at 19 Union . Square West, where ENTREKIN purs in very full days ar Atlantic Monthly Press, and park across the street in our inconspicuous cherry-red Ford Tempo. It soon becomes clear that this must bc one of those very rare days when ENTREKIN has left the office early. .

MORGAN ENTREKIN The courdy Nashvillean has his own publishing imprint at Atlantic Monthly Press, Though he is widely supposed co have been an inspiration for Jay Mcinerney's dissolute character Tad Allagash in Bright Lights, Big City, Entrekin insists, to anyone

·.cu.,

6:30 p.m,: We proceed to the Art : Greenwich Theater, at rhe corner · .. of Greenwich Avenue and West 12th Street, the location ofthe star·studded "

New York premiere of Brig'" Lights, Big City, which ENTREKIN is sure to attend.

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6:3S p.m.: Seminal artist Keith Horin9 artlves at the theater In a , .. mock lettcrman ja<:ket with a fe· male componion. Hard on their heels are humorist P. J. O'Rourke, wearing a pink bow tie and new boating moccasins, and an eclectic array of Hollywood stars: Wil· liam Hickey, GriHin Dunne, Jennifer Beols, Lauren Hutton and Jodie Foster. Modest, hardworking journalistS George Plimpton, Clay Felker, Bob Colacello and Glorio Steinem sweep in, followed by Cort Bernstein, who entertains the paparazzi by bellowing, "Don't touch my hair!" when Ms. Hut· ton and her femalecamponion try ro ruffle his preternaturally stiff coiHure,

., I .

AUGUST 1988 SI'Y 13'

= HADEN-GUEST makes ir ro Mason's building, at 150 East nnd Street, before we have time to set up for a photo. We do, hov.'eVCr, catch a glimpse offormer novelist and Alice Mason regular Norman Mailer and his wife, painter NOITis Church Mailer. Norman hastens imo the party, doubrless eager ro advise Anthony on refining the narrative schema of his book-in-progress on drug runners in Lebanon (which includes an accoum of his own kidnapping).

'." .1 : G) on 57th Streer, heading for an exclusive dinner party at real estare middlewoman Alice Mason·s.

8:30 p.m.: In rhe next half hour a cavalcade of aging publishing .. ' and show business figures cross Alice Mason's emryway, including rautskinned New Yark ObJervtr impresario Ar· ttlur Carter, Helen Gurtey Brown and David 8rown, Normon Podhoreh, and Aileen

"Suzy" Mehle, doing more of the foorwork for which she has become legend. HADEN. GUEST"s publisher, Simon & Schuster chairman Dick Snyder, puts in an appearance and alarms our subject by inquiring when Simon & Schuster can expecr his fashionably lare book. HADEN-GUEST, evidenrly nor recognizing Snyder;, riposte$, "And whar business is ir of ~urs?'"

,i' 11:00 p.m.: We prepare for the · 'l . end of rhe fere, as It IS Ms. · '. . Mason's praaice to expel her fellow social climbers sharply ar 11:00 p.m .

·'" 8

11:45 p.m.: Trailing rhe pack of

~ : departingguescs, HADEN-GUEST

.. ' says his goodbyes with undis· guised glee; ~is night has JUSt begun. last. BERNSTEIN enters the party with a light, expectant srep, apparenrly unaware that many of the distinguished guests have long since descended from The Cloud Club on the 66th floor and deparred in their limousines. Once upsrairs, among those BERN$TE.IN fascinares are Montyn BethOIlJ', Coy Felker and Joe Klein. BERNSTEIN mentions rht It<rure series on the press that he gives each summer aboard the QUHn EliZ4lHJfll 2 and concludes weighrily, "I'm tired ofthe Homptons~ n."H.. Yod: Times wiU repon the following day char 'Carl Bernstein ralked to anyone.~

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8:52 p.m.: Back downstairs we : ~ '. encounrer Hew YOI" cover boy .. ' Jimmy Breslin, who IS ar curbSide awaiting the arrival of his wife. He rells us

..............................................................................................

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7:00 p.m.: The great conflict of . rhe evening begins when Joy MclrteffteY arrives nor wich his . . ' sready dare-walking docudrama Marta Hanson - bur with Tracy Pollan, who plays Michoell Fox's love incerest both on and off the sc~n. Hansan, who arrives alone, attempts ro slip inro the thearer unnOticed bur is ushered back before the flashbulbs by tactful publicist Peggy Siegal. Once inside, Honsan joins ENTREKIN's buddyl co-worker Gal')' fislletjon, who has JUSt had a rivering conversation with generarional spokesman 8m Ealtan Ellis. Palladium operaror Steve Rubell shows up wirh another hardworking journalist, Claudia Cohen. While Rubell runs across rhe streer ro ferch Claudio a slice of pilla, she generously allows the paparazzi ren '.

z ;; : ~

1)65PT" AUGUST 1988

minures to phOtograph her svelte body (vividly wrapped in a magenta ropcoar) and her curiously beautiful face (vividly burnished with orange lipsrick).

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7:15 p.m.: MORGAN ENTREKIN arnves at lasr, very fashionably lare, accompanied by a squadron . ofthree blonds with whom he has perhaps been discussing the texrual problems posed by rhtir rag-ream rranslation of ENTREKIN's enrire Line of books inco Swedish.

'. r-:

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9:35 p.m.: So rhar rraffic won'r be c.logged. by a caravan of srrerch .. ' hmouslnes, Peggy Siegol has rhoughrfully hired a superglamorous bus ro ferry the celebriries to rhe rrendy Canol Bar for dinner following the premiere. An

'. 7 :

emourage consisting of Jay Mcinerney, Gory fisketjon, P.l O'Rourke and the sulky Marta elects ro travel by limousine instead. ENTREKIN decides nor ro join Joy and Gory in reconstituting whar Jay has righdy called -a galaxy of our own~ but rather ro escorr one of his presumed translators ro J cui before reentering the theater and ernet8' ing wich another ~ung blond woman, uo' doubredly an outhot-. ENTREKIN, his budding noYelist and Cart 8...,.stein then ra.1« the bus and, we may assume, rrade Wr) oper~us inro man's exisrential plight. which are, unforrunate1y, losr ro hisrory.

'. E)

9:50 p.m.: The bus arrives sa£< :....... '. ar Conal 80r and we watr · ... ' rransfixed as 'record produ c Jellybeon Beniter bellies up ro the b

that SOl wear dl Parry ar rhe par cries of

'<!wan! stared si subrle e

\ J.} mouth, J and Joe) STEIN r check " that rhel jovial de whereab

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work DEN. uster peariring t his

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UEST ndis-

ith a h,~

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Nerf-ball oran~ minidress turns to us and inquires, approximately, "Where do you gendemen hail from?" When Yroe respond ~Colifomio~ and ·Monhattan~ she falls into a companionable silence. HADEN-GUEST settJes inro me seat reserved for him at tOp scriptwriter Dcrvid (Miami Viee) Bloc.'s regular Thursday-night table.

12:05 a.m.: We press our noses up agains~ the glass of Elaine's . - and stare IntO the fabled groao. Apparently still a bit fatigued from me previous night's wrestling match mat caused his expulsion from Au Bar, an er· san Nell's mat opened inJanuary, HADENGUEST wants nothing more than [Q share a quiet drink wim a few sophisticated colleagues. We enter the eatery and sit at me bar, where we can observe the room's thrilling complement of writers, including top editor G. Barry (Playboy) Golson, top vocalist

, .... ""

,~re

· .' GUEST rakes a cab up Third Avenue and turns right on 88m Street.

·-'. 0

:ISles,

John Henry Kum and top story editor Peter (Equoli6ef') McCabe. A charming locty in a

. 'I:

lEST,

...

11:50 p.m.: After walking a block

'.'-1. : easr down nnd Sueet, HADEN·

·/". 0

1:05 a.m.: The gentlemanly : HADEH-GUEST makes a practice · . ofstanding whenever anyone gets up from me uble. But in the confines of Elaine's he feels he can relax his renowned manners a bit, and he removes his dinner jackct to exposc a burgundy-colored vest and a supersexy formfitting undershirt. ..

·.'. 0

..............................................................................................• that some of the men at the parry Mlike £0 wear dresses~ but declines to be specific. Parry animal Rudolph Giuliani limbos into me parry, where he is greeted with loud cries of -RAt·dee! Ru-d.~!~ Freelance racist Edward Koch shows up with a very onderstated siren on his limousine and a super· subtle entourage of bodyguards.

. 6)

9:30 p.m.: After never·say·die boulevardiers such as Barry Diller . ' and his female date Lolly W.,mouth, Joni Evons, Andy Stein, and Cindy and Joey Adams leave, we wonder if BERN· STEIN might also have departed, bue a check with the securiry guard confirms that there is only one exit. When we ask a jovial deporting guest about BERNSTEIN's whereabouts, he replies, Mlf he's still up

·1 :

then.; men he's behind the bar.. .There's hardly anyone left~

.j.

(!)

10:04 p.m.: Our patience is te'" : warded when BERNSTEIN finally · . - eme~ wim several _men and wunderkind Cloy Felket-, who is outfitted in a loden-green humer's hat. When one of me women asks BERNSTEIN what his plans are for the evening, he says airily, ~rm going home.~ The Statement hangs in the air, and he feels compelied to add, "Well, at leaSt long enough to drop off this damn thing,~ gesturing toward his complimentary gift bog. The bag contains a super-useful Plexiglos paper' weight-cum-envelope holder and a super· thoughtful boxed set of all tour New Yoti mogo:r.ine speciol onniversory issues. ..

10:06 p.m.: Feiller and friends '. ...; . bid adieu to BERNSTEIN, who · .' walks downtown half a block and makes a phone coli from the southwest corner of 42nd and Lexington. He men takes a cab to his brownstone apartment, on 62nd Street between Second and Third A~nues.

G'·.

10:20 p.m.: BERNSTEIN lea~s his .. ' : brownstone, walks east to Second . . Avenue, turns right and ducks into a convenience store to pick up a H_ Yon Times before hailing a taxi. In the cab he puts on his reading glasses and immerses himself in the paper's Metro· polito" News section as he courses all the way downtown to Conol Bar. The smry on the parry-the swry thar mentions BERN-

·.'. 0

..............................................................................................• 1m."

sulky ;tead. , and ighcly ler to ,. to a me",-

unbudI take 1,

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light, ''Y-

safely ....atch ducer e bar

alongside Tomo Janowitz and helps him· self £0 an assortment of pizzas, cheesecakes and raspberry tarts.

.. '.

10:30 p.m.: We take up a position

. 1 . outside the restaurant's kitchen 6)

· .' door on Spring Street-ENTREKIN has been known to leave restaurants through the back to facilitate a speedy rerum £0 me office. But on mis night, he is apparently ....,orking tOO hard to attempt such a Beaclesque prank.

·.i '.

11:00 p.m.: Bret Eoston Ellis, tired '. 't : from bearing the weight of wis· · .' dom beyond his years, retires w a cab wim his dote. George Plimpton, arm in arm with a young blond, strolls toward the romantic Hudson River.

11:40 p.m.: Glamorous couple Claudio Cohen and Steve Rubell · .' depart in her Jaguar. Superglamorous couple Gloria Steinem and Mort Zucket-mon follow in a limousine. Cloy Felket- begins £0 look for his topcoat and fashionable loden-green humer's hat.

. ..J. :

11:50 p.m.: After searching at leaSt three limos, Fel.er finds his coar and hat.

.E).'.' ~

12:50 a.m.: Gary Fis.etjon de· parts for home, but Cart Bern· .' stein, Joy, Marla, PJ. and ENTRE· KIN pile into Jay's limousine. We prepare for a chase; having spotted our phorog' rapher, Fisketjon has apparendy £old EN· TREKIN that hc is being followed. ,,"UGUST 1988 sn 07

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1:15 a.m.: HADEN-GUEST is nO( . "'-- abo~ a liw(' roguish horseplay, , '. . and he and his fellows are soon engaged in witty speculation about me

color of the orange-minidress-wearing woman's -.nderweor. Pete, McCabe takes it upon himself to solicit a definitive an-

:;; swer from the object of their guesswork.

•:=0 Charmed, she answers, "Fuck you!"

•z

.@"1:2Oa.m.:TheCheclcarrivesat the table and is mistakenly .• ' placed before HADEH-GUEST. who suddenly appears suicken with a touch of the grippe, or another writer's offliction-his face goes white and sweat forms on his brow. He rerurns to normal when vocalist John Henry Kurtz picks up the check.

; .: <...:.

STEIN's name-won't appear uncil

next day's morning edition.

' 8

10:46 p.m.: BERNSTEIN enters . 4 ", Canol Bor and settles in at a table , . with a few friends, including designer Carolina Herrero and perennialz: escort-of-other-mcn's-wives Sme Rubell. ;:; We order a couple of Boss Ales ar me bar ... and watch BERNSTEIN placidly chew.

• z

·C) : I '. ••

Midnight: While BERNSTEIN sips a last glass of what appears .' to be wine-forgoing his usual Moussy- Ruben, Herrera and meir friends move on. We finish our beers and head to the car to await BERNSTEIN. But he shows no signs of leaving, though he docs make

·"I' O

1:05 a.m.: Mcinerney's cor speeds . up Sixm Avenue mrough Green, .' wich Villoge. We pull up alongside, and ENTREKIN displays for us his supersophisticated, editing-'Il.'eary middle finger. We fall back and have ro run a red light to catch up with the limo, which has turned z: on 26th Street and soon turns again ontO Fifth Avenue, It pulls up in front of M.K., .

138 Sf'Y AUGUST 1988

', :v:. (9

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1:30 a.m.: A number of his com.: . ('. panions leave, and HADEN. ' GUEST decides to augment his entourage and atone for McCabe's impropriety by apologizing to the orang~ minidress-wearing woman. He explains that the shcnanigans were prompted by "frank admiration; nOt mockery, and urges the woman, who reveals thar her name is Jud" ro join him. She does.

1:50 a.m.: HADEN-GUEST demonst~tes .the i.mpressive range · . of hIS SOCial skills by ahernarely praising Judis home state and mocking her thick New Jersey patOis. When she asks, "Do any of youse wanna go to me Chino Club!' he wittily replies, "No, weese don't wanna go to the fuckin' Chino Club." th~

phone calls, using not the ordinary pay phone by the kitchen but the ulna· exclusive house phone on me maitre d's podium. '12:25a,m.:BERNSTEINmeetsa .: \.:. blond SOUfee and a redheaded · .' journalism student ar me bar and invites them both back to his booth, where he shares his joutnalistic credo with memo Then, as mey watch with shining eyes, BERNSTEIN sturdily heads back OUt inro the field ro do more reporting.

.~,

2..00 a.m.: Owner Elaine Kaufman : herself comes over to HADEN_ · . ' GUEST's table and joins the group in a few drinks. Filled with the Dutch courage necessary for the task at hand, Elaine asks HADEN-GUEST to settle his back tab, He produces Chemieol Bonk sta· tionery and signs it as the piano player plays "Big Spender" .

2:45 a.m.: We send HADEN· GUESTaScotehandwater,which · -' he acknowledges by lifting his glass. After downing his drink, HADENGUEST comes over and inuoduces himself; we tell him that we're enormous fans of his work, and he invites us to his table. Once seatcd, he allows us to buy him a groppa-his traditional nightcap. 0 -

206 West 23rd Suett. The instant 'Il.'e park, an ultraglamorous sanitation truelt obscures our view of BERNSTEIN. By me time it moves, he has vanished. We check Zig Zag, upstairs, downstairs, even me bathroom, No BERNSTEIN. Nobody at all, in fact, We get back in the car, figuring that he ditched us and made tracks for M.K. BERNSTEIN chooses that prttise moment to come out of the apartment building at 208 West 23rd Shftt, JUSt one door down, escorting a brunet, female source.

· CD

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the exuaordinarily trendy restaurant and nightclub at 25th and Fifth. 1be "wrecking crew," as this group may well call itself, is soon waved insid~

Jar's forthcoming romans a clef, he sa)1 earnesdy, -I know, I'm sorry, .. 1 know, I'm sorry." She replies earnesdy, -Yes, but you didn't have ro make me look like a fool: They embrac~

12:30 a.m,: BERNSTEIN walks .: ( :. east on Spring ro Hudson Street, · .' where he catches a cab that takes him up to 23rd Street. The cab turns right and stops in from of the Zig Zag bar, at

" CU

1:30 a.m.: Inside, ENTREKIN se.: (:. questers ~imself at a second·floor table-hiS office away from the · . office. He speaks at length with his author O'Rourite, undoubtedly offering acute editorial suggestions about me latter's furthcoming collection of travel essays. The evening's drama, meanwhiJe, reaches its climax. Having finally corralled Jo, Mcinerney in an intimate setting on the stairway between M.K:s first and second floors, Morla Hanson complains about his fickle behavior. In dialogue that will, we hope, be immortalized in one of

1:15 a.m.: BERNSTEIN begins to '. "--: interview his source at Zig Zog's bar (YIlN'rt sure YON'1It never met · .' my partnlJ?), and we try to snap a few photos through the bar's windowed facade.

· .CU : r:'

2:30a.m.: ENTREKIN holds coull with O'Rourke, Bernstein a~4 · . three blond autflor·tronslotors I me club's dining area, transforming it in!\' a modern..day Algonquin Round Tobie. An M.K. emplo,ee insists that paparazzo either check her camera leave We leave

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2:40a.m.: From our position ........-: side th~ club we see Bernstei.. · .' part WIth Lauren Hutton. Ap endy eager to continuc his relentless q

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AUGUST 1988 srT 1)9

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L"'. 3:00 a.m.: He reintroduces us to • . Judy, who has begun to make .... ' noises about leaving immediacdy for the China Club. and (0 a female editor from Fowc:ett Boob, who ~ms enamo~ of him. She notes thoughtfully that Anthony is -me basis for Pwter Follow-you know, from TIle 'oMi,. 01 ",. Vallitift': and irJstrucrs us to ·warch him try (0 get our of paying [he bill," When we (eU HADEH-GUEST that -we are writers: he expresses sincere concern about how we can afford to live and allows us [0 buy him another round. He speaks nostalgically of having once read poetry as an opening aa for Jethro Tull, then imparts twO bies of timeless wisdom: "Go (0 TIl. Wortef' and "Listen to me new PetShop Bop album." Hearing ·Chain of Fools" on

....... ,

me jukebox, HADEH-GUEST. 51, getS up and dances with his chair, wiggling his hips in ~ry mod fashion. ~.

'. r-: when a G)

3:30 a.m.: The

~rie

~ember

is broken HADE~.

· . GUESTs cude' whom we mlS· rakenly assumed had lefr, another su~r· famous writer, ap~ars out of the shadows and asks him, Mis that a dip·on bow rie?" In a stunning display of grace under pressure, HADEN-GUEST elegantly unties his authentic bow, This triumph seems to demand celebration, and HADEH-GUEST, who has a gift for turning ~rywhere he goes inro a funloving discothequ~ convinces Judy to dance cheek to cheek with him as the pianist sings -Sugar pie, honey bunch ...• ,

'.'. 8

3:45 a.m.: As the lightS blink ifruman Cape - ' to signal the last call HADEN.. , . ' GUEST decides that -it must ~Elizabeth Tayl time to either leave or get romantic~ judy is still set on going to the China Club, so Andy Warhol Anthony wa..-n good¥ to her and draws ybi! Burron the female editor close. We diffidently offer them a ride home, which HADEN-GUEST accepts with sur- avid Bailey prising eagerness. As our cramped Ford Tempo coasts west on 83rd Street he die Sedgwicl regales us with anecdores about the days when he hung our with Eric Clapton and ichad Cain Charlie Wotts. When we reach his townhouse, he asks us up for a glau of wine, nthony Had bur from the arch ofhis eyebrow we understand that the offer is perfunctory and that this is one drink he and the female editor wouJd prekr to have alone. _

But this tips off the bartender, who tips off BERNSTEIN.

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1:30 a.m.: His reportorial instinctS '. ( : a~used, BERNSTEI.N finishes his .. ' dtlnk and escorts hIS conract outside, pausing to glare at our by now aU·roo· familiar cherry-red Ford Tempo. They walk down the Sttttt to th~ Arimcrotic Deli and buy a pack of MCHfboro Lights. They then recirt' ro the source's aparonent building to rt'Sume the interview.

......................_ -.we ZIt lot- Motk<I thot dvllllolttJ .1IIfoaoMoIl ........ lfII'IlIty of .... ptl04ot'lIIPh.

tioning for a possible profile of one of America's former tOP models, America's top journalist attemptS to slip into her cab. She p~nts this by slamming the door. He hails his own cab.

Ie"

2:45 a.m.: Because M.K. is in a z ' - , five-sto~ bUilding With large win;;: ' . ' dows on Its facade, we are afforded : a rare glimpse from the sidewalk of the ~ ultraprofessional ENTREKIN hard at work ... on the mezzanine. He finds another talented potential author and, after only a few moments of what ap~ars to be cantract negotiarion, attempts to whis~r some editorial direc· rion into her mouth. ·Speak to my agent~ she apparently suggestS as she shoves him away. 140 wr AUGUST 1988

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3:40 a.m.: ENTREKIN lea..-n M.K. ',""""': with twO more congenial poten· .' rial female authors, one blond and one bruner. We foUow ENTREKIN's cab down Seventh Avenue to 14th Succt,

3:50 a.m.: ENTREKIN strides into yet another office away from the · .' office, Nell's, which - although the velvet ropes have been taken in for the evening-is always open to hardworking editors. ENTREKIN is accustomed to these IS·hour workdays, but we have to gulp coffee to stay awake as we watch the ulnaglamorous sanitation truCD pass by. ............. :

.. Q

4:23a.m.: ENTREKIN Iea..-n Nelrs " ,,: and escorts hIS .b.lond author to a . ' cab before halhng another for

y Cohnikki Haske! alswn-arl Bernstei ianca jaggel

-G

•iza Minnelli 2:15 a.m.: After 45 minutes of '. --.. uneventful waiting, we .realizdteve Ruben.. ' that BERNSTEIN has deCIded a quiet domestic evening would be a wel-finkerbellecome respite from his hectic superjour· nalist life.

himself and the brunet, who apparently requires further editorial guidance. Thq head wesr on 14th Street:, and it soon becomes apparent that the s~-smaJ( (MTREKIN knows he is being followed. Ht iorgan Enrn direCts the cabdri~r to StOP at a gr«tl lighr. We scop behind his cab in the far' rnelia Gue right lane. When the light turns red, the ianne Brill cab bolrs inro the intersection and makes dangerous left turn south OntO Hudson rthur Altscf Srreet. We follow, even more dangerous!)' The cab abruptly hairs at Abingcfoll Square, and ENTREKIN getS our and sau ters down Bethune Street before beginni a mad sprint down Greenwich toward house, a block and a half away. The ea . morning sunrise seems to reflect £ainuy his yellow socks as he races into the rance and disappears for good.

blink Truman Capoce ~ --fCapote

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usc

," Judy ub, so

Elizabeth Taylor

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Warhol ~ Warhol

ybil Burton

home,

h sur· David Bailey~

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134

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281.50

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298.00

The winner is me old pro, Anrhony Haden· Guest, whose glorious thirst and steadfast disinclination to pay for any services put him over the top. But the irnponanr rhing to remember is that mere are no losers here, unless, of course, by wser you mean people who didn't win. (Special jeunesse doree kudos, in passing, to Clay Felker, Aileen ~Suzy· Mehle and Steve Rubell, each of whom turned up on two of our three competition evenings.) In Haden-Guest's honor, for the past few days all the spy staff has been dreaming of is loosening our bow ties, dancing to Motown records and signing vaguely worded book contracts with Simon & Schuster. This has hampered produCtivity somewhat, but who cares? Drinks all around! } AUGUST 1988$PV 141

Review of Reviewers

The Industry Politics How to Be a Grown-lip

The Street The webs Fashion

iewers "may h ack into a jac Edelstein, al om resorring on't know w erson plural; rced by a pr em with Da\ rd, compare, ook"). "Since lind and slig~ our mote r les' being CUfi Ntw Y!Wk al e tables are I "We watch; 'Connor, ani en. "We pC( rites O'COnt hn Corry, A an with the rain in the Iave missed U ndscapes of nd, and we ard·seeming mposed viel indow. This ry dead fish Ms. Freilich take his mommy away." The culprit i orne." AIDS, which has obliterated "fuckrush Hold on a and put a premium on the "saf< ssell,whois fuck-buddy," ? Some of th( Goldstein cerrainly knows a lot of wri om the Th ing techniques: "We're being shoved dow bam the first like feral jack·in-the-boxes, back to a se on for the p and puberty scored to old Roy Orbiso ental substit cunes.... George took me co the porni g "our" feeli because he liked to get a blow job in a the eunal third f ter seat, while up on the silver screen it f the Uniteel fun with dick in Jane.... A four-year-olel j air's Stephen f this simple a a sailor hat is crying inside amer's] best conneer," This column bears watching. f a world, l Already watching closely, no doubt,' midem !?lag, David Edelstein, my predecessor Mich' land. Marnet Bennett's favorite boytof, whose Voict tU (letting 1m f( Goldstein seems to have taken over. Ed ingside. he sh stein is still heroically plugging a\\ Ight into the though with his smarr but occasiona~ Gregory Ja) .,tm "the Ne overzea'lous ctiticism. In his review of "quiet, Edelstein speaks of director ri ~ 81 of t (m~, hI''' Bunon's "comin'-at-ya, jack-in-the-b ' k. I"SOns.lvt' sense 0 r humor, Th ats twO jac -In' I It )' rewr boxes in a single issue. Watch it, . mg Sri (And you, too, Ntw Y!Wker. In Paull With ( Kael's review of Beetltjuict, published Tuesd;t weeks later in Tht Ntw Yorker, she

----------------------------------1

"We" Are Not

AMUSED - - - - 6;,P---BY IGNII TZ RII TZW/ZKIWZKI

FOR A LONG TIME I HAD FELT THAT something was missing from Tht Viflagt Voict. Now that Richard Goldstein has inaugutated his monthly Sex: The Column, I know what it was: a tubby, balding, middle-aged man review· REVI EW ing his ejaculations. "When I come; Gold· Of REVIEWERS stein began his first column, '" want to feel as safe as I was in my favorite snapshot: the four· year·old in his father's sailor hat." His reo cene emissions have left him feeling instead like "the four-year·old who's JUSt seen Bamhi and realizes that a forest fire can

iev.'ers "may have w be prepared w jump ack Inw a jack·ln·the-box universe.") Edelstein, at least, has the vlrroe of selom resorting to the reviewer's we. We on'r know why we don't like the firsterson plural; perhaps we don't like being arced by a pronoun into seeming agreeent with David Denby (who, for the recrd, compared Beetlejuice to a "pop·up ook"). "Since we see {the characeers} as lind and slighdy arrogant, we anticipate, our more malicious moments, the cales' being turned on them; Denby writes New Y/lrk about Bahuis Fum, "In fact, e tables are turned on us: "We watch; we believe; writes John J. 'Connor, one of the Timeis many Ween, "We probably knew that already; rites O'Connor's neocon doppelganger. hn Corry. And here's John Russell, the an with the biggest, most complicated rain in the Arts & Leisure seceion: ~We ave missed Uane Freilicher's} panoramic ndscapes of the South Fork of Long Isnd, and we have also missed the awkard-seeming but in reality most carefully omposed views of New York from a high indow. This visitor had even missed the ry dead fish on a plate that often recur ---"'f,Ms, Freilicher's paintings ofhearrh and :ulprit i ome." ruckrush Hold on a minute. If ~this visitor" is he "sa~ ssell, who is -we~? Is ~we" supposed to be J? Some ofthe confusion arises, no doubt, ,t of writ om the Timels prissy squeamishness 'ed down out the first-person singular. One solu· to a seclOn for the puzzled reader is to make a Orbisorhental substitution for each we, aetribut· ~ pornie g ~our" feelings and opinions w some in a thea euetal third person, such as the president een it wa f the United Srares. Here's how Vanity ~ar-old i air's Stephen "We-We~ Schiff would sound us: onl this simple alteration were made: ~{Oavid amer's} bese plays stan ... in the middle f a world, a conversation, a language doube, i mirknl Rtagan tkeJn't insranrly under'Michel tand. Mamee refuses to translate. Instead Voice tu flening thecommantkr in chiif languish at ver. Ede ingside, he shoves the leadir oflhefree world ng awa ight into the action." :asiona Gregory Jaynes, who has replaced Wilam ~the Nexe Garrison Keillor" Geist on ceor Ti age BI ofthe Times, has anorher solution. -the-boJ '~Iing, perhaps, ehat the first and third ck-in-t rsons have been used up, Jaynes-who it Vo' ccently returned to the Timu after a prosePauli 'ntlching stim at Time-has been dabhns with the second: "So another ordished she s ar)' Tuesday dawns and you rise, knock

the dust off your grinders and mosey out

w poke around .... You filch an apple, stick it in your pocket, and wander south, thinking it's not even noon yet. Pretty interesting so far. for a Tuesday:' The Times hasn'e run descriptions this descriptive since it shut down John Leonard's Private Lives column. Another exuberant stylise is GQs Mordecai Richler, said co be the funniest living Canadian, Richler's review of Donald Trump's Trump: The Arl oflhe Deal is called ~A Day in the Life of Ronald Crump,~ Richler sustains this wicked premise for more than 1,000 words: ~I waken in our unfinished apanmenr in Crump Tower and this morning decide co walk briskly rather than ride co the kitchen for breakfast .... Doroehy {my executive assistant} brings me a batch ofletters CO initial. 'Hold your horses; she says, 'you'd better sign this one in full. It's a love letter CO your wife.'.. 'Maybe GQ can parch things up wieh Trump by inviting him to write his own, less satiric review of The Ar' of lhe Deal. Come co think of ie, why not let all auehors review their own books? Who could possibly be better equipped to review a book than the person who wrote it? The author knows exactly what the author had in mind; the author knows how hard the au· thor worked co pull it off; the auehor knows where all the jokes are. All things considered, it must be disap' pointing for an author co open a newspaper or magazine and find thar his book has been reviewed not by a sympatheric expert-such as himself-but by a nasty stranger. This may explain David Levering Lewis's recent leccer co the New Wlrk Times Book Review. "Readers' will decide for themselves whether William Boyd's review of my book The Rnce ffJ Fashrxia is accuraee in its findings of'potted' history, 'polemical rhruse' and strenuous interpretation. And he does have several nice things to say about the book. Nevertheless, I think a protest is in order when the reviewer turns in a piece as uninformed, unenlightened and illogical as Mr. Boyd's." These are juse the first few sentences of Levering Lewis's letter co the Timu, bur they contain all the important elements of the classic revisionist self-review: (1) a bitler, whining cone; (2) a nervous reminder w the reader that the original strangerreviewer, though stupid, blind and untruStworthy, didn't hate every page; and (3) a lengthy, unflaeeering, polysyllabic, Latinate

description of the srranger-reviewer. Whiny writers aren't the only people who feel an urge co review themselves. Whiny rock stars do, coo. Taking a cue from my predecessor, Michcle,John Rockwell of the Times reports that Sting - the nexe T S. Eliot-has continued co com· plain in print about nasty reviews of his enervating performances. Sting asks his crieics, in effect, "Could you do better?~ Rockwell responds, "If most people dislike you, and dislike ehe same things about you, then you'd bener cake the consensus seriously or develop a chick skin." Readers are invited to submit what they dislike aboue Rockwell. Gore Vidal is a veteran self-reviewer, In the Leners column of a recent New Wlrk Review of Books he reconsiders Lincoln, the founh in his long series of tedious novels. -For forty years," Vidal begins tediously, ~The New Wlrk Times has, from rime co eime, put its collective 'mind' ro work in crying co find ways of coping with my disturbing presence on the American scene." The Disturbing Presence continues in this vein \If {the stranger-reviewer) had actually read the whole book, he would have been able co follow".") for several big, big pages. No one. except Vidal, likes Vidal's novels, but even this visitor has co admit that many of Vidal's early essays (which are. eerily, as popular in England as Jerry Lewis's movies are in France) are very good. But his recent pieces, even ehe ones published outside the self-review column of the New YfJrk Review, rework the same handful of eired ehemes. Can there possibly be anyone lefe on the American scene who doesn't know that Vidal wrote all the good pans of Ben Hut, had a grandfather who was a senator and has been to several panies also attended by Kennedys? Alan Alda, the wimpy auteur, recently tried his hand at self·reviewing, Reassessing his wimpy new film, A New Life, Aida sent a letter to the Times taking issue with an essay by Janet Maslin called "Wimps Sweeten the Screen; in which he had figured prominently. ~{Maslin's} charges of wimpism seem as vague and capricious as Joe McCanhy's cries of Communism," ac· cording co Aida. ~What bothers me is nor Janee Maslin's personal perversity or her phobic resisrance to growing older and maeuring, bue thar The New York Timu seems to ehink rhere are more like her out there in significant numbers: What a wimp! ) ,,"UGUST 1988 SI'Y 14,

M0VE, He Said ---ti--BY CEL'I< BRADY

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT HERE: WE'D like co be the first to welcome Mike "the Manipulatot~ Ovitz and his Creative Artises Agency to New York. For years CAA has debated opening a Manha[[an branch office in the capital of the literary and theatrical worlds. The purchase, for INDUSTRY .sU6 million, of apartment 66A, a six-room, 2,100square-foot condominium (condominium? Very classy) in the very CAA-like Menopolitan Tower, right next door to The Russian Tea Room, was the first indicadon chac the dream may finally become a real· icy. Ovitt and pint-size skirt-chaser Ron Meyer have been quietly seealing into the ciry to set things up. Which should come as a surprise to New York literary agencies with whom CAA has corepresemarion agendng deals, such as Elaine Markson, who. for instance, represenlS William Kotzwinkle (E.r) for books and used to split commissions on his fees for films fifty·fifry with CAA. For more information about CA& new books-to·movies plans, call the agency's new New York number, 586·1206. Ask for Mike. The Mylh ofHughes: As has been reported in the uades, the egregiously prolific writer·director-producer John Hughes left Paramount to write, direct and produce ar Universal. Hey, wait a minute: if Hughes was such a successful wtiter-director·pro· ducer, why did Paramoum let him go? Wasn't Paramount president Ned ~I'm Quitting~ Tanen the producer of Hughes's very successful The Brrakfasl Club (when both were at Universal) and therefore a major Hughes supporter? Wasn't Hughes's major gripe with Paramoum the existence of the ferocious-looking Dawn Steel, who has since left for Columbia? The reason for Hughes's move, putquice simply, is that his most cecem films have

lost money at the box office. Planes, Trains and APtfJmfJbiles wem way over budget, coseing almose $28 million before prims and advereising. It grossed $48 million ae the box office. (As a rule, noe couming video sales, a piccure must earn three times its "negative cost" before it breaks even. This cost does not include prints and advertising- it refers literally to the price of the negative, meaning the COSt of putting the movie on film.) Nearly as disappointing were Hughes's !Wme Kind fJf WfJfukrful and Shes Having a Baby, each of which had negative costs in the $1O·million-to-$15million range and made less than $20 million at the box office. FerriJ Bue//er's Day Of!

THE

144 SPY AUGUST 1988

seventies guy, even by California sc<. dards, believes Hughes is still in tou wich the youth market. Unfortuna Iy- and it seems somebody forgot to Pollock chis-the so·called youth rna is JUSt not as all-fired profitable as once was. Trim! and Ends: With the opening of Ma Maison Sofitel heralding a new er cheesy French pretentiousness in Los } _ geles, the question of the moment is, restaurateur Patrick Terrail (remember BY AND. Hollywood Diner? Remember Ma Mai jump-stare his famous Tuesday·night p games in one of Soficel's executive sui SOME POlt>. If Terrail doesn't pick up his old ga itical·action con buddies again, it could be due to com 'usc that I never cion from the currently chic lours n me through night game, where recently named Fo ear Friend I've ecucive (and former Lorimar presid ',; . Baumgarten (ties . h·IS h ardes ]OUI' Ccalg 0 break even with his new boss, Barry D~allTlCS If In fact, some speculate thac Baumg .1 _.i (JO!t:a received the job because Diller liked h Wal way he played poker. As Baumgarten's reaking (he sealcessor at lorimar, the pneumatically PuEJY.pink .' Bernie Brillstein, will surely attestlina glaze. HO~1 couldn't have been due co Baumgalfing text: ability co choose hit movies.... This i l4u/horized b other Garry Shandling icem: When . Mur Pha/ogr;;'· Shandling moved his cable TV show available thewher-. Fox network, he complained thac (a) weren't enough people watching hi mble ouc th PI (b) there weren'c enough people su the teturn e~vel: ing to Showcime. He was ri~( on ld. Lips gently J counts. Few people do subsctlbe co enacingly to ch cime-buc more interesting is hOlSt the hip e 8 x 10 color""'· people want co wacch Garry Shandif4n L y,/~ real TV, even if it happens co be on~sse Helms. rend network. It's Garry Shand/inN envelope warns has been receiving only a 45 rati~);elms endosed:Th slightly more than, say, Duet), muclfne co mail back c disappointment of Fox, which pai ,confirming chat rlj cune for rhe series.... Maybe he s ngOodcondition.· be moonlighting: In May we WOII e you are 4 jJrolid fl former wine-cooler picchmall you"/I appre;i4Je h" Willis was really worth $5 millioll mkr one ronJWt'aJit.~ cure. Early resulcs are in and wt' ainly, certainly. Th apparently, is no. Blake Edwards' aJ a hltK~ ronJtrll" which scars Willis and James G Jn1d,ng YOlilhis /J pitifully chin firsc·weekend busi far less the second, which m m 1111s scuff is Willis has lictle, if any, of the "mu U SAll1C'smanshl dience that will pay to wacch·him f11(" Strange tl.l anything. This means he can'c"O anlZoluon rh cure (unlike Richard Pryor or Wi I f nu ,)hOI~ra or Burt Reynolds a decade ago J. U I tht' exacdy whac thac $5 million w rhe vollue I edly paid for. )

I,.I

was, of course, a certified hit ($69 million in box office receipts against $16 million in negative COSts), but that was twO and a half years ago. Hughes's other, even older success, Preuy in Pink, took in only $40million, against a negative COSt of$12 mil· lion. (It made a profit, but a very small one.) In other words, Hughes-who had cut a very rich deaJ for himself at Paramounc -lost money for the studio 60 percent ofthe time. And Paramount-like the orher studios, not exactly a weepy sentimentalist upon hearing chat one of ics talents has begun to lose money for ic - fretted chac it might be years before it recouped its losses from Hughes's latese films. Inscrumental in Hughes's choosing Universal is MCA chairman Tom Pollock's relationship with Hughes's attorney (and Pollock's former partner), Jake "Big Daddy" Bloom, of the powerful show·business law firm of Bloom and Dekom (ne PO//fJck, Bloom and Dekom). Pollock wanted Hughes because he needs lots of movies, and he needs them fast, and Hughes makes lots of movies, and he makes them fast. Pollock, very much a

ology, candidate and comext that really gets me all hot and bothered. We've had the Free Entetptise PAC (lobbying against abortion) - not co be confused with the Free Enterprise Political Action Commitree (lobbying for a concrete company in Georgia). And then there were Americans for Constitutional Freedom (funded by Playboy and its ilk) and the Center fot ,)5: ~'\------~ - - - - - - Peace and Freedom (lobbying for Star Wars). But these PACs and lobbies at least retained >et tH a precarious connection between who paid BY ANDREW SULL/V,i,N for them, what they called themselves and whom they served. With BLACK PAC we suiterr SOME POINT PORNOGRAPHIC have a perfect example of Washington's nou:amirtolitica].action committees were inevitable. velle polilique: small, overpriced, elegantly mpe~'s just thac I never expected one to propocrafted portions of completely incompatiursda don me through the mail. ble ideologies, Fox Dear Friend, I've sent you something I think Founded in 1984, BLACK PAC will side you'll enjoy. spend more than SlOO,OOO this year to win lest Oh, goody. over black Americans to the virtues of the . Dill POLITICS If you take a look althanReagan Revolution. Afrer assisting in Sen· 19art dosed photograph, you'll Jet ator Helms's 1984 reelection, it began ced what I mean. mass-mailing its neocon porn icon to help on's S Breaking the seal: a sudden glimpse of raise those funds. Its chairman is William y Ian in. Puffy-pink with that telltale North Keyes. a sharp 35-year-old black who came test, arolina glaze. Hold on. Check the accorn- ro Washington from Gastonia, North Carogart nying text: lina, ren years ago. When nm proselytizing IS is Not auth01'iud by any candidate or commit· for conservatism, Keyes is paid $400,000 1 Ga .... Your plxJlograph is a ~rJona' gift.... It a year by the South African government to w (0 nol availahle elsewherr:, 111)/' is it reprodllcable act as a liaison between the Botha regime a) rh ic}. and black Americans. He spends a lot of ,1m Fumble out the Playmate. It's JUSt bedme trying to convince black businessmen Ibscr nd the return envelope, peeking above thar rhere's a great market out there in >n b fold. Lips gently parted, eyes lingerBophuthatswana. o Sh menacingly to the right, arms angled Keyes describes his direct-mail camlOW ainst the hip. paign in the reasonable cones of a prac· ~ling 1,'s an 8 x 10 (olor print ofUniud SlaUs Senticed apologist: "We jusr send people let· .n a rjme Helms. ters. We explain our objectives. We don't Ig's S The envelope warns, "Caution: Senator hate anybody. We don't stir people up to Helms endosed~ The literature encouring (j hare anybody. No hype. We JUSt talk the :h to s me to mall back the ~Photo Arrival Issues." id a rd," confirming that my Helms print arThe issues: J dbn'1 want 10 see Ted Kennedy .houl ed in good condition. These people care. as president. 0" GodfiJrbid,]esse]ackson as vice presidenl. Idere ina)'O" are a pro"d comervative like me, I Br sure )'Ou1/ appreriale having Ihis picture of In theory, of course, supply·side eco· I per nNmbe,. one conservalive Senalor. nomics, lowering the corporare tax rate : ans enainly, certainly. Then the kicker. and tough policies on crime could be as ;'s Su ut as a Mark conservative, 1 lake extra appealing ro black Americans as ro all the roer, itk in JetuJing you this pholograph ofSenator others who voted for those policies in ness illms. 1980 and 1984. But slobbering over jesse ans ~ Hmrn. This stuff is sicker than I'd Helms? Keyes explains, ~No, Jesse's civil.t_see"!llUght. rights record doesn't bother me. There are in alw Political gamesmanship in Washington a lot of blacks who don't put civil rights at en~ a r.r raken SOme strange turns, but BLACK the top of their agenda, I don'r. Protecting ody Ii ,the OrganiUtion that unci! recently civil liberties is important, but how many whi t Our Helms phmographs, must be the more laws do you want on the statute pur ngest. It's nor JUSt the flesh tones you book?~ Warming to his theme, he conderstand . I,'s t he va I ue· reef clash' of Ide- tinues, ~It's almost racist ro think rhat

Civil

~~:J

IT ES

blacks only care about civil rights... ,Those battles have been fought and won. Who gives a damn anymore? Black parents want their kids to have a fight to pray in schools. That's what they care about." Some black parents may have longer memories. Helms's polirical career took off with the infamous 1950 North Carolina Senate race in which Willis Smith, for whom Helms was working, won with the slogan "White People Wake Up!" In the mid·1960s Helms described the Selma march for voting rights as a "monstrous violation of human decency" and assened in the Raleigh News and Observer that "Negroes and whites participating in the march to Montgomery engaged in sex orgies of the rawest SOrt." This decade, Helms filibustered against the extension of the 1965 Voting Rights Act in 1982 and promoted an antibusing bill and relentlessly opposed the Martin Luther King holiday in 1983, alleging thar King was a Communist sympathizer and rhe holiday was a waste of money. In 1981 a Wall Street journal article carried allegations (denied by Helms at the time) that "Helms apparently has a pet name-a cu· phemism for blacks. He calls them 'Fred: One Helms aide says he'll ask, 'What does this Fred want?' or he'll tell a staff member to 'take care of that Ffed:~ During Helms's bitter 1984 North Caro· lina Senare race against GovernorJim Hunt, Thl Washinglon POSI reported that in a last· ditch measure, the Helms campaign was mailing return-to-sender postcards to black precincts, ~aimed at identifying voters who recently changed addresses and thus could be challenged at the polls." A flier compiled by Helms's National Congressional Club included this white-on-black notice: "YES! Black voting power is spreading like wildfire!" That's presumably where BLACK PAC came in. 'Two weeks before Election Day we were asked in by the senator himself,' says Keyes. "I would give the senator a tremendous amOUll( of credit in recognizing he needed his friends to help him:' Keyes persuaded Rosey Grier, the former L.A. Ram and Bobby Kennedy acolyte (he helped tackle Sirhan Sirhan after the shooting), to appear in television ads fot Helms. "In my 12 years in the NFL; Grier testified with a straight face, "I learned a lot about courage. I admired it on [he football field, and I admire it in a man:' (This year Grier went for Pat Robertson,) AUGUST 1988 SI'Y 14'

The pitch wotked. The gains Helms made among blacks in the last ten days of the campaign contributed m his narrow vicmry. Keyes claims he increaS('(j the black vote by some 11 percent, or 55,000 votes. In his Helms-photo mailing Keyes wrote, "Since Helms only won by 46,000 votes, 1 believe it is dear that the black votes he received made the difference be[V,~n success and defeat." (In fact, the margin of vicmry was 86,280,) The ultimate comradiction of BLACK PAC is that its mailings-usually sent to between 20,000 and 50,000 people - are no more targeted to impressionable blacks than they are m the Vil/a~ Voice subscriber list. A significant percentage of the letters an; in fact, sent to whilt conservatives (Keyes ddensively insisrs that half the letters acrually go to blacks), This seems counterinruitive but actually makes a strange SOft of sense: you can raise a lot of money by implying that the PAC will somehow help pacify those ~liberal radical blacks~ Helms is always talking about. As for the method, the whole idea of photographs is to go straight for the pan of the btain -the reprilian pan-that te' sponds m conservative iconography. Caner Wrenn, one of Helms's chief tacticians, purs it blu ndy: "I guess if)'Ou sent it m a bunch of IiheraIs, they'd think it was SOrt of funny. I\s for myself, I've received photos of President ~agan in the mail. I didn't think it was funny. I thought it was a nice gesrure.~ The scandal of BLACK PAC-an organization ostensibly promoting the interests of black Americans and actually promoting the interesrs of whire, Helmsian conservatives - is not that it's deceptive or corrupt. The scandal is it's banal. It differs from the rest of Washington's marketing of politics only in degttt: ideological oxymorons are less important than the money coming In. This spring BLACK PAC even swiveled to back Dtmorrat Darrell Glascock in Arkansas's primary for a House seat. Glascock, formerly a ~publican political consulranr, was the only candidate BLACK PAC supported, and it put all itS liberalbashing resources-according to Keyes, an implausible $200-inro the fight, For the record, Glascock lost cwo to onewhich is probably salutary for the workings of democracy, Glascock looks like a cross be[V,~n Danny DeVito and Jerry Falv.oell. You'd hate to have hiJ photo Start showing up in )'Our mailbox. ) 146 srv AUGUST 1988

Baby-sitter

BOOM ----@>---BY ELUS WEINER

HOPEFUllY, WE HIRED A NEW baby-sitter recencly. ('"The banle for hopt/1111, has been lou; a friend of mine once lamented. He was right. It figuntively hu. But let us soldier on ... bravely, defiantly, of hope.) By now, of HOW TO full course, one is thoroughly BE A sick of babies - other peoGROWN· ple's, at any rate - and the UP accompanying baby.tna, The books, the movies, that 1V show (what's it called? JOmtlhillgNJmtlhi,,8.?), the magazine articles, the magazines: media saturation is complete, Babies are the yuppies of the post·yuppie eighties. But in babY-JhterJ we enCounter the next hor subjecr. Already a PlOp!t cover has sobbed/crowed over Robin Williams's en· tanglement with his son's -nanny"- great Mork word; tOO bad it's tOO late to run the StOry under the head NANNY NO-NO - and presumably Thrrt Mm and a Baby-Jit/tr is on its way. And ifthe tOpic is timely, the reality is to die: in seeking -help" the parent toddles intO an interpersonal minefield. Thar goes double for the grown·up, for whom a day withour doubting the appropriateness of his behavior is a day without sunshine.. Never mind the au pair f.mtasies: who wants a lithe, blond, Sv.oedish lovely residing under his roof anyway? Forget even the fact thar, sometimes, the poor, stupid grown-up is not entirely comfortable with being the boss. After all, the grown-upor, at least, his wife- is a big boy. Someone will get used to being the boss. The problem is in balancing one's respeCt for mankind, on the one hand, with one's obligations to one's adorable genius offspring (AGO), on the other. Which means that the problem is really money, One wantS someone intelligent, sensith'e and fun to attend one's AGO, but for an hourly wage that can go only so high,

and no higher. Whom does one sel nd sensltivj~ Women from Mthe islandsM ; fresh hi -T' make everyc school graduates making a long, hesit ing, in vain. approach-run to coUege, or at-home mo resses regrer. U with their own one or twO kids to mi on that sitter Yo You interview, you take a chance, you her vocarional them and, bosslike, you evaluate them. M . ay we nOte ~ And then they, employeelike, evalu la we aU )'Ou. We've had some bold 'n' ztsty eval er'dis ac th~ " ~J&._. PPtOvll Ing " gOIng on aroun d h ere I ate' y, b ut ra_py-sirters_eve, than bore you with the details, let me bkted kid h as you with the general oucline. me) IN d pa . . a oubl Self and Wife work at home, need ftIy's pa " d" ,renrswc ume seeon ary-care-glvlOg person to mhk office b . , and inspire lively, fun toddler Natha ry toys. A u~d~1 ~WorJd's Cutesr Human- Weiner, age 2 SOme of h~ ,Ir "ad 6 months. Found same, late last ~ar: I srud" I M • T' n are: gal (19 yn. old) With a 1lJZlltTa! talen }ackso' "~· S" " d'~" "d Ik . ns cand k llU. mer mID cu, IDsplre ta auve at doe } self and wife worked, big house Iy ans:ees; ~ heap-big cold winds in winter, manYary.) re ,jNJ falo froze, otherwise all well. IS wa, . not rhe 61 Comes the sort-of spnng-cr into the h" ". f . .L· an d d af/Od ill> reczIDg melt Stamen wiU dc ild·c " an (Jexll y etc., etc. When s old and we WI hired Our first y ~ornpetenr WOI adlared disappr01 ofa sheer joy ro b 8e ar SOmething I , re In " fa cr ar faul u~ Another WOrn hlch is ro sa'" n_ b - ... ca n, asleep on th while he, IOrtep! . r will. fOund h er success Way' - - - - - - - - - - - - [ .. by sropping rc

""' SOl If" n overOlg "h ' 10 Brooklyn ani PIStl tows anyon 0 .," " d d·L .L e. neofth uurues-an ,one ay, me 'NeaUitoung lad fi balmy. My wife, who has had mi~ reeend y ro~ from the firsr about the sitter's attth bard y ~t thiS) er IOto Au ward her employers, emerges f"'e in A ' St menca Th' brain-poisoning fumes of her OffiliderfUJ b d" IS Ur ecllOed sene space heater and confronts we lefr N v " --' hunch IS con fi rmt:U; the worst .IS rica i ewwrkCi If. The baby·siner, it seems, d se.:l"' she t3e .. prove of mothers who work. S h{'r our to~SI Iyas. that mothen should spend all onsy/va with rheir kids. l." ~aro-.J = to reply, "So Wife-mother and siner Orne and (001 N ' . " aw k war, d a bsu Ood cy pier".. rc of realicy," ar lOtl th orny, h aItlng, Father-self- is brought down "0 babY'Sitter, even fun. There are farfetched specu St.t{'s away.' Besides disclaimers, earnest/futile expl «'P down, th.t N I fUre f ara ter says this or that ludicrous, .... 're.llry. true thing. Wife compons he Ise. )

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and sensitivity. ~Ifblathers on in an effort to make everyone fed good about everything, in vain. Everyone apologizes. expresses regm:. UpshOt is tM mutual conclusion that sirrer would be happier pursuing other vocational options. May ~ nOte what, OUt hete in Pennsylvania, we call the sublime irony of a babysinee disapproving of people who need baby-siners-even people whose unneglected kid has parents who both work at home? (No doubt our son thinks everybody's parents work at home. He must think office buildings are simply great big empty toys. And, in a way, aren't they? No. but some of his other theories merit further study. In March, at the high point of Jesse Jackson's candidacy, I asked the lad, "What does Jesse want?" -Milk~ he immediately answered, jMJJ priot- 16 1M WiKtJ1fJin

Baiting ----9---BY JAMES GRANT

primary.)

This was not the first time we had swaggered into the child-care marketplace full of goodwill and flexible hours, only to be rudely etc., etc. When Nat was about eight months old and we were living in Brooklyn, ....-e hired our first baby-siner: a stern, briskly competent woman from Guyana who radiated disapproval and was the opposite of a sheer joy to be around. She took umbrage at something for which we probably \\'ere in fact at fault, and declined to continue. Another woman -did not work OUt~ which is to say, "'e came upon her, one afternoon, asl~p on the floor of Nat's room while he, intrepid one-year-old, roved at will. We found her successor in the traditional way: by stopping total strangers on the street in Brooklyn and asking if they knew of anyone. One of them did know a lovely ~ung lady from Czechoslovakia who had recently (get this) escaped across the Czech border into Austria in order to come live in America. This young refug~ was "VOnderful but declined to accompany us when ....'e left New York City and moved OUt into America iC$Clf. "Why you need such a big house?- she sensibly asked when we dra.s,ged her out to Pennsylvania to take a look. How we yearned to repl); ·So we can both work at home and fool Nat into constructing a faulty picture of reality.- But why ali· enate a good baby·siner, even if we were moving cwo stares away? Besides, I think \\'e all knew, d~p down, that Nat already had a faulty picture of reality. Like everyone else. )

UNDER THE PlcruRE OF A BROKERage-house trading room not much smaller than the state of Delaware, the newspaper caption read, -Sanyo Securities Co:s new u:a.ding Roor in central Tokyo ... is believed to be the largest such facility in the world. The huge hall, built at a COst of $64STREET million, can hold up to 800 dealers, buying and selling stocks, bonds and foreign currencies." It was hard to tell at a glance, but nOt every Sanyo dealer appeared to be hunched forward in the familiar international telephoning posture, profitably buying and selling stocks, bonds and foreign CUtrencies. On Wall Street: this spring, the telephones didn't ring much, and the brokers were despondent. Trading volume was down, mutual fund sales "'ere down, stock prices were down and interest rares were up. Analyst Perrin H. Long estimated rhat Wall Str~t was running at 50 or 60 percell[ of capacity, a shrinkage that, al· though inevitable and probably deserved, was, for daytime inhabitants of the finan· cial district, a bit unnerving. The 40 or 50 percell[ of capacity that wasn't being utilized for moneymaking len plenty of fr'ee time for recrimination and newspaper reading. Curreney whiz Andrew J. Krieger, 32, who quit his trading job at Bankers Trust earlier this year upon receipt of the demeaningly small bonus of $3 million, joined George Soros, the legendary investor, in April, reversing an interim career plan, he said, to go to India to teach Sanskrit or work with lepers. You can be sure that any reasonable bonus from Soros is going to pUt Krieger way ahead of the compensation scale available in leper work, especially in a low-wage counny like India. -In terms of learning and gfOtl,'th opportunities, this was .so structurally imeresting thar it was worth

THE

holding off on other pursuits for a while,~ung Krieger explained_ "It may be for the rest of my life. It might be for ten years." Probably the lepers "'ere happy, too. All spring the rumormongers whispered, so-called Story stocks gyrated and the briefly quiescent mergers·and·acquisitions industry hummed again. But the giddy credulity of the old bull market was missing. After R. H. Maey & Co. narrowly lost an extravagant bidding comest to Canadian merchant prince Robert Campeau (the prize, you may remember, was Federated Stores, owner of Bloomingdale's), Edward Finkelstein, the Maey chaitman. heaved a sigh of relief. "We're both lucky to get OUt of this alive," he said convincingly. It was a sensible observation -Campeau. the winner, paid $6.6 hillion and must borrow to the eyes, thereby devaluing his stock and, reportedly, demoralizing his executives-but surprising nonetheless, considering the source. In the heat of battle, Finkelstein had certainly sounded as if he wanted to buy Federated and was ready to borrow whatever was necessary. A banker from Drexel Burnham, representing Maey, had sounded earnest, too: "The fact that Citibank, Bankers Trust, Drexel Burnham, Kidder Peabody and Maey's management and board are each convinced of the anraaiveness of the financing and the ongoing viability of the new company based on extensive experience in leveraged transactions speaks for itself." Ir certainly did speak for itSelf. The fees prospectively payable to Citibank, Bankers Trust, Drexel and Kidder ran to the tens of millions. Money remained tight this spring, according to Federal ~serve data, but was nevertheless freely available, according to spot checks undertaken by this column. In late April a cash machine at the corner of 14th Str'eet and First Avenue delighted customers of First Federal Savings and Loan by dispensing $20 bills instead of fives. And in Dallas a morning disc jockey at radio station KVIL-FM asked his listeners to send in $20. The request was for no stated purpose, but $243,000 poured in from 12,150 listeners, an impressive sum for a state without a solvent banking system. The Texas banking crisis deepened anyway, although the element of panic was conspicuously missing. The newly installed ..halfman of First ~publicBank, Albert V. Casey, conveyed no worry when he explainC'd his management strategy to reporters. "I'm AUGUST 1988 W'l' 147

making it up as I go along; he said gaily, Mh's bettet that way.路 As the peace-and-quiet problem deepened with the approach of summer, Wall Street executives outdid themselves [Q win back disaffected customers. In May five leading brokerage houses publicly vOWt"d to desist from the contro~rsial practice of "program trading" with their own capial. What is program trading? You might as ""ieU ask what index arbitrage trading is_ You might as wd ask, Whal do IhtJu.kwr YOling mm lind W/Jmm do 1111 day III toor (fIIRPlitn' twmi1lil1J? What they do is this: If prices in the stock marker and the stock fuoores market get OUt of line. the traders make a profit by buying or selling, as appropriat~ In a declining fuoores market they generally sell stocks, and the stocks thus sold (and devalued) might very well be ones you own_ Nobody objected to the buyi ng last year, but that was then and this is a bear marker_ The hearr of the firms' late-spring promise was this: If a customer wanted to playoff ptices in the stock fuoores market with prices on the New York Stock Exchange. thqo would be happy to assist him, Hov.'CVer, the firms would no longer engage in such trading for their own accounts, thus (it was hoped) mitigating the severity of price declines, discouraging the regrettable tendency of brokerage firms to make their own buys or sells first (thus Mfront-running" their customers' orders) and enticing the public to buy a little IBM, Exxon or Jiffy Lube instead of squandering the money on a bank account or some Treasury bills. Not much time passed before it was shown conclusively that prices could fall anyway. The day after the five big brokerages promised to cease and desist, the Dow dropped 37.8 points. This past winter it was as quiet as a tomb, too, in what is perhaps the surest index of investor confidence-the Greenwich, Connecticut, real esrate marker, Greenwich comprises 50.6 square miles and almost 60.000 residents, some of whom play polo, the bull market sporr. It is scenic, lightly taxed, Republican and rich, but the prices of its houses have stopped going up by leaps and bounds. The spring afforded only parrial relief SPRING IN GREENWICH: 'FOR SALE" SIGNS BLOSSOM.

said a

~ent

headline in the

Grrmwich Timl, Min spite of recent slow

sales activity, there is anything bur a feeling ofgloom and doom among Realrors,M a Realtor wrore wishfully in a Greenwich 148 sn' AUGUST 1988

magazine. Optimism was bolstered when the old Kearns place. also known as Villa Maida, went under the hammer for $4.7million. The price fetched 2.9 acres jutting out inro Long Island Sound and a MMedi_ terranean-style villa." Upon inspection. hOW'CVer, the new owner has decided 4J hili with ir. he can li~ without the house, It is to be razed and a new one built in its place. The estate had been spoken for last year by another buyer, a 29-year-old who suddenly decided. in the words of real estate broker BY CHARLES POOTER Marjorie Rowe, -well, 111 do something else." Leper work? No: that decision was reached shortly after October 19. IN MID-APRIl THOSE DEUGHTFUIlY A springtime rally in Greenwich prop- secure people at CBS News began to fret erty was once a perennial event. like the fe- about all the &vonble publicity attending turn of the robin or the rose. In the boom Peter Boyer's book. WI禄 Ki/kd CBS?, and years of 1985 and 1986 the upturn started Ed Joyce's book. Primt Timt;, &d Timt;, early, pre-robin. but this year it began lare, CBS News president Howand lagged. Indeed, sales volume from ard Stringer convened his THE tOP s[t2tegists in his office January through March was the lOW'CSt in WEBS a decade. At lasr count. the ~rhang of for an hour to discuss fallunsold houses was up by 45 percent from OUt containment. Those a year ago, ro 690, while the supply of present included executive producers Tom unsold condominiums was up by 50 per- Bettag of the Evtning NtwJ. David Corvo of cent. to 278. House prices in Greenwich CBS ThiJ Morning, Shad Nonhshield of the increased only slighcly, and condominium upcoming Try 10 Rrmnnhtr and Don Hewitt prices acooaUy feU. From January through of 60 M;'IlitlJ; director of News CommuniMarch, condominium prices acooally de- cations Tom Goodman; and, of course, clined by 4.7 percent from year-earlier Dan Rather's factooom, David Buksbaum. levels. to $324.000- in Gretnwich real esDon Hewitt, piqued by the accuracy tate terms, an event roughly comparable to with which former CBS News president Joyce had re-created conversations in his the Panic of 1907. Donald Trump, the invenror of real es- memoir (see this space, May), kept inter, tate, keeps a residence in Greenwich, and jecting, "That son of a bitch must have it is Trump's opinion that real estate prices taped US!M (Don is outraged because Joyce in New York are going up, MPrime real es- revealed his salary-more than $1 million tate in Manhattan is becoming like ptime a year. When not sunbathing. Don sits in teal estate in Tokyo,M he said not long ago. his office and shouts, -rhe little rat! The MI see prime, high路quality real estate in little rat! He tells everybody what I make!"> Manhattan - be it tesidential or commer- Don urged a militant public-relations cial- absolutely going through the roof: It counteroffensive. had bener, for Trump's sake-you may reBut cooler (and less well paid) heads call that he paid about $500,000 a room prevailed; Stringer decreed a subtler apfor the Plaza Hotel. proach, First. if asked by reporters, the The comparison to Tokyo has lately be- po'I\-ers that be (Stringer, Rather, anyone come inapt, MAher a flurry of land specula- else nOt chosen for specific spin-control tion that began rwo years ago,M reported tasks) ......ould not have read the books and Tht JII/Jiln Eronomit jolirnll/ in May, "the would thus seem magisterially above the Tokyo area's real estate market appears to fray. Second, Stringer said, "at all COsts be in a state of flux. Expensive condomin- Dan musr be kept quiet_~ That me2nt that ium complexes, once prime investmenr Rather "lIlly shouldn't read the books, targets, are going without bu)'('ts, and real- which portray him as vain, ~r-mad tors, once intoxicated by the vastly lucra- and disoorbingly volatile-the kind of tive market, are growing increasingly ap- person who ","-auld unravel if he read a book m2t depicted him as vain, powerprehensi\'C.~ F/1lX and IIppnhmJifll are terms in real estate Esperanto meaning "bear mad and disturbingly volatile. After some discussion. it was also demarket:." )

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UN- _ _ I T I S H

•Yo.... alu·t1ys havt a wry 11/1001h explanalion rtady, huh)" lays joel Cairo. ·What do ]011 u'anl

flit

It) do, ftarn to ifNIf<,-?"

f1pwm Sam Spatk. No, U1101 u,'t "'''nl h W(}rds fo htlif<'t in. Nol WIJ,dJ to frNJI the uliJdom 0[. Thai u:()uld H /w milch. jllll

W()rdi u'hoJt fal/Ill] u"t ran unin-JM"d and 11J(~ibt: to some dUNnl Jptahr. Whm u't Itarn thai. a/lholigh In hIS mtnlly pufl.. lished Its/ament, Speaking QUI, {ormtr Whitt HOUJf spokfS1IJ,m Lorry Sptnlm claJms Ihat ht bl1lJuljfil/1,;carrd Pmidml RtaganJ n"ltf-aclllal1y-uIllITJ his· tvrk "mark 10 Sm'itl Itadtr Gorhathrll ("7"11111 is much 'hal dividts IIJ, 1"" / belin"t Ihf u.'orld brealhtJ ta;iffbffalilt we <1'1 hm talking lOKi/WI, in point of larl i/ Ult11 " " unnam,d aide /0 Spt",kes whodid fhl QCIlia! !nbrllating-and il/rUmlally, Speaking OUt 1i'31 ghoslu...i/ttn by a man n"mtd Pack- / belmlt / IPfakfor liS al/ wMn [ My Iha' whm we ledrll al/ Ihtl, we do '101 brt<llht e<llier. Nor <lrt Ut ,omforltil wMn Ihe prtJ,dml bimsr/f JaYs. "/ 'an lell J<lll righl now tbal J bll~t no affirtirJrl for Ihtse 'kiss dnd Itl/' books lh<ll <I'" bei'lg u-'rilttn, and / filld il enlirtly firlton:.ftr Ihis woald suggtst lhal lhe pmidml lahs rtf"gt nol ollly m Ihe diJagrttmtnl of p.MOIl" lind anUrttlml bJJI aho in the 'on/Illion of fieti()n and mmfiflion. sin(t 'kiss a'ld lelr 11 by dtfimlIOn nonfirlton: fittion 11 ·Ltl~ dont a"d Jay Ut dId." Nor <ll"I! wt (ollJgled by lhe pmidmli 'dnntd,soll"ding aside; "Th'tli the nice Ihmg d/XJII/ Ibis job. HIli grl 10 'I"ole yr!li.sdf shdlRe/essl)'. and if]ON don·l. WNJ S/JIah, u"II." Por JOU woNId Ibmk Ihal the ItaSI Ulf roNld e"IN'1 from a (an"rd asidt is some kind ofal leall prtpoiltfON11tnle. 'No [eUler Ihan pve RUlgan Adminislralion officials bal't pNb/isbed {not,"j01I nOllre. 'wrilftn, books, .. tigh! mglllhs btfort Prtsidtlll RUlgan ran btgin 10 m'tad hil diaritJ: "!Jor/J The New York Times. And lheqlmlion d.ist!: who wrolt hn dlaritl? "}'oll paid lis-mort Ihan If "jOt,d btln lelling 1M Irlilh. and eNoligh mOrtlO make 11 dll rlghl,~JaYS Spadt 10 Brigld O'ShaughntJJy. Many ptopk hallt had lhe same allilude lou'ard Iht tightirs. 8uI e.·tlfIJJi1lly '071!tanl mendaaly u'ears Ihill, and 8riglJgtls sent JJp the rn'tf; and /..ar,., Spt~1ees has to "s'gn his Job a' Mtrrill Lynrh, u,hi,h mrans thai \f'a/! SimI has a higher slandard of ,,,rllrily lhan Iht Whl/e HOJJle.•f)'OJJ ran be/It"" thaI, Take il/rom "It:]Ou 'dn belitltthis pllzzle.llstlJtry delatl has been vrrtfitd byaJJiduolis sla/firs at SPY, bNI lhe burk !lops htrt. I ha•., b!ouon Ihetlghlltj 10 su,b an tXlml Ihal I cannOI afford an atde. -R,8.

ACROSS

4. 'Tis inside sialic over S. 'There are thtee kinds of lies-lies, damned lies and statistics," wrote

1. Pinocchio's nose grew when he bed. To long is to pine, and Jmell means nllle in wveral sen~es, so to speak.

Mark Twain. NOt in his Own hand, I guess, be· cause it appeared in his aUtObiography, whkh he largely dictated to an aide. Still, the aide did nor dictate it to him.

5. "Whu belongs to them" is the definition. The outfit to whkh good dtizens don't lie is 'he IRS. 9. Ad ~alth distributed, 01 rearranged. 18. Hick etrlJtJ rearranged ("peculiar"). 22. In sibilance you ("returned").

find a/ibis backward

23. This due gives lauer·day white persons the benefir of the doubt, by virtue of the word o~igi· nally. When the Dedaration of Independence originated (ThomasjeJTerson actually wrolf iI, in the name of a drafting committee, whkh goes ro show you how diffe.ent things were back then), slavery was raken for granted. jefferson himself had slaves (none of whom, to be fair, ever fabri· cated remarks for him). We now have a president who has remarked boldly and openly thar he is not radst-which is easy for him to say, because he is nOt a Democrat and doesn't have to justify not voting for jesse jackson. My reason for nor voting for jackson is that I believe it is Russia's tUfn to have charisma. Furthermore, I feel that jackson is premarurely black. Ifhe'd held offand been black 12 years from now, perhaps the coun· try would he ready for him, By then, though. speaking in rhyme may seem dated, 26. Strong drink is rJJm, plus or and S. Rumors are gossip, which is less reliable than the hard ne\\'S that during the 1985 summit Reagan told

Gorbachev, "' believe the world hreathes easier because we are here talking together: 21. Communist letter is C. The lerters lilordl sound like ("we hear") liural.

DOWN 1. Owl rearranged. E is a vimmin, a pellet.

is a

2. N}' surrounding earl, a rype of noble, lO yield a synonym for almost.

3. Dim SJJn ,earranged ("weird").

6. Diffi,"/t equals bard, oyer all four points of the

compass. II has in fan long been my contention that hard news is easier than soft news. Hard news is that a given person has 51.3 percent of the vote with 89 percent of precincts reporting. Soft news is that a given person has prospered by having absolutely no sense ofobjenive reality. Ei· ther of these repons may be false, but the latter is trickier to verify and more interesting. If the person is the same in both cases, then it is not news. 1. No swallowed by intime. 13. PL, Ihllg. lied rearranged ("terribly").

16. Mimes fll rearranged ("deviously"). Okay, so there ale tOO many anagrams in this puzzle. Anagrams are the last refuge of someone who has othe' things lO think about than a blankery. blank crossv,'Ord. I keep trying to figure Out whether I have no sense of objective realiry at all or Ronald Reagan is in fact president. I am thinking of writing a story in whkh a man deddes, "If Ronald Reagan is president, then I am nor reaL" II feeling of peace comes over him. He StopS

keeping up wirh the news. Hence diminished roll' of government in his life. Paradoxically, life becomes mOte real. Then one Sunday evening he comes home from a carefree weekend (rip with his family, hears funny noises out back, finds Ed Meese in his IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT apron, cooking steaks on his grill. 11. These letters in a fluny (rearranged): I ("one"), R, LL, and Ihrt'e ("almost; that is to say all except the last letter). The "almost" does nOt go with "exciting fiction- (definition of thrilftr) in this due. On the best·seller list, it often does. 19. Slrllif equals passage and sounds like straighl, If I'm lying, I'm flying. 20. Dr. /ies rearranged. II slider. in baseball, is a misreading piech, or delivery. I dnn't believe there is a degree, awarded by any accredited universiry, called Doctor of Lies. That's why insritutions of higher learning ate often dismissed as ivory tOWers. 21. This is one of those dues where you find the answer all spelled OUt for you in what follows ehe word in. If candidates' statements were as teJiable as the answers to this puzzle, rheir themes would nor be in the mess they are.

Nm·E: Tht serial now/ The Worms' Turn, ""bkh began in rhis spare some months ago. has been dlsroll· finued due 10 hral'y rains that (aUJed lhe U'OrRlS IN qlltJ/ion 10 romt liP 10 fhe sIIrfare gnd dit, as lhey so,,/t· limrs ,u. I am sorry for any ;nronwnitnre Iho ba' (ausd.• I\UGUST 1988 Spy 149

cided that Northshield and Hewitt would This Morning producer Judy Hole's house speak for the news di.vision, employing to celebrate the birth of Milbrey "Missie" tOnes of measured disappointment with Rennie's second child. Missie, who a few Ed Joyce, whose book was judged the more months ago was promoted from senior damaging. Everyone would also urge re· producer of CBS This Morning to narional porters to read Boyer's book for perspec· assignment editor ofCBS News, hasn'e had tive on Joyce: it portrays Joyce as an inac- her career hurt by her friendship with cessible martinet (former Morning NtWS David. Indeed, there is much invidious anchor Bill Kurris is quoted in Boyer's gossip in the newsroom about David and book as saying, "Joyce becomes president, Missie's long, friendly lunches, but their and we don't see him for six months, , .. J relationship is acruaUy platonic. (Missie rhoughr he was mentally ;0-). The problem remains loyal to her husband, wealehy, of how people who weren't supposed ro black·eye-patch-wearing presidential scion have read either hook could cell repOrters Zachary Taylor.) Noneeheless, at Judy to read one book for perspective on the Hole's house the usually unemoeional other was left unresolved. David stood to give a roast and launched A few days larer Stringer's friend Tom into a gushy 20-minute declaration of how Shales wrote an article in Tht Washington Missie embodies all the qualities of uue PoSf, "CBS News' Season of Poison Pens; friendship, a speech chat left him teary· rhat (teared the books, especially Joyce's, eyed and Missie mortified. skeptically. Shales's article quored Hewitt (Missie is now nominally the second("I think Ed Joyce left here a very bitter mose-powerful woman at CBS News, next man") and Norrhshield sounding like ro her boss,)oan Richman, bue most ofehe people who have dealt with her think she Hewitt ("{Joyce} recorded every meeting, would be better off doing volunteer work every single thing that was said, rhe minure it ended. That's what he was doing insread ofbeing president"). It quoted Srringer and Rather, both saying they hadn't read the books. And, noting that Boyer described Joyce as "isolated and unpopular almost from the starr; Shales concluded, ~Reading the Boyer book helps give theJoyce book a certain poignancy." Great reporting! Stringer hasn't found it as easy to handle the problem that is CBS This Morning. Impermanent Broadcast Group presidenr GeneJankowski has been grumbling about viewer and affiliate disaffecrion with the broadcasr, and a rumor swept through the newsroom thatJankowski would dump the show·s executive producer, David Corvo, and bring in 48 Hours's executive producer, for the Junior League, because her ropAndrew Heyward, as soon as 48 Hours was priority phone calls are to her caterer. canceled (it was recently renewed). The About twO years ago a producer came rumor was so widespread that at a senior across notes from a Vassar Club of New staff meering Heyward asked Stringer if it York meeting that Missie had entered into was (tue. Howard, displaying his tevered the computer-which is more commonly leadership skills, said he didn't know and used to handle reports ofBeitut car bomb· would try to find our. The less virulent ings and Ed Meese's latest legal difficulties. strain of the same rumor had David Ieav· The producer gleefully typed SEND???, ing to join the managemem of KCBS, the ehereby electronically mailing the notesnerwork's Los Angeles affiliate, bur when which conrained an impressive number of an underling confromed David with the grammatical solecisms - to every computer in the system. Missie was, of course, srory, he denied it. David, a very shorr fellow who talks mortified.) Many CBS ThiJ Morning producers have constantly about how very shorr he is, has inreresting relationships with his female grown weary of David's toadying ro temco·workers. He was the only man who peramental cohost Kathleen Sullivan; showed up at a shower recently held at CBS Kathleen, a romantically frisky former I~OSPY

AUGUST 1988

newsreader, seems to have trouble working with women, especially young, attractive ones. She prefers men such as David whom she can bully. Her reign of terror began when she told the supervising producer she didn't wane any women working the overnight shift (this directive was wisely ignored). She then gOt David to demote Kari Sagin from producing segmenes to producing the letters ~page~ for business jU>l correspondent Ken Prewitt; surely it had .po. nothing to do with the fact thae when they went OUt on shootS tOgethet, more people were ogling Sagin, who is svelte and blond, IN than Kaehleen, who is neither. Kathleen used a tiny facrual error Sagin had made as her excuse to march into David's office and shriek-in a voice clearly audible through the closed door....:'She's out to sabotage me! She can't work on the show!Kaehleen's strangest behavior involved her former secretary, Denise Chaisson, a pretty woman wieh frosted hair and a pleasant demeanor. Kathleen once asked Denise to track down Peter Bogdanovich, Arrol who has the very imponant task of reviewYou, Mid_ ing home videos for the show, at a local ""'''mo"" hotel. Denise tOld Kathleen that Bogdano· vich didn't answer the phone in his hotel room, adding that as it was after checkout ]ofoc,lously comody time, he had probably checked out. Kathood foodUo, leen exploded, saying, YoN dfJn't know any< ! Fe Rock. OR 9' lhing aboullhe way su«m/ulpeopk dfJ lhingsIINy can check out ofholtls any limt they wanl! One of Denise's duties was to leave a f. I,t, ~ 0 Y , message on her boss's home answering ma- EDITORIAL <omp.oy i. " chine with a list of the people who had gtQ.....ilhu .. l caUed that day in Kathleen's absence. More f.,,,,d. Seod" F....ok Gaoo than once Kathleen came to work the next '0 W.""t1y PIa«, morning and said, 1 hale yoNr wice on my answtring marhine. 1hate it, 1 hate it. Ifyou think !...H 0 TOG. you have a fUlure in broadcasling, you're crazy. WE DO WED These attacks often reduced Denise to T"'cyl.ol<!.",I>el tears, and she soon left to work in CBS's Local Sales division. ,. I A so ... '" L David would like to stand up co his an- 'DOWER >«1 chormonsret, but he knows chat the only "~O"""nrio"o] i, head co roU in such a confronratioQ wouldk;~m,:i~,compo,' ~ 00&',., be his own. Harry Smith, Kathleen's geniall",p~".Ut wi'h oc . f . 1J0 cyoi<. pl. cohon, IS also 0 the see-no-evtl school: notio>: &0. •... only does he refuse to cticicize het, but once, when he heard a producer bad·mouthing co . . R1U!CTION Kathleen, Harry called the producer JnW hiS We would hk. '0. office and admonished her, saying, "We aU th • Dot,l Gout! . "'100/1: ..ltphoo. have to work togeeher to make thiS show DolO]]o"}," th, ~ success." And someday il will be! OUt Ap,,1 ,.. n Do"110" t«.,... d We hatJen'l read the book. Kathlem Su/l Ou, ...d.... who.,. van iI entirely Jane. The Atflrrow Tradili ':g Iho 00 ..1Cou• . "OC, pho", "Urn conlmNt!. t

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My Dinner With

to Ntw Yor.t magazines tw~n(ieth-anni versary party, and when thqr returned, they hadn't missW a thing.) And granted,

it was impressive watching all those rented organizers talking authoritatively into their walkie-talkies in the Metropolitan Museum's Great Hall. Such a romantic affair. Butwhilc Gayfryd's party featured custom-made shoes for the groomsmen, it wasn't h;;lOrir, like the one thrown just da~ larer in Havana by the world's most famous good novelist, Gabrid GUcla Marquez, for the world's most fa· mous good actor; Robert ~ford, and me world's most famous Third World dictator, Fidel Casuo. And Gabo, as people who might be invited to Garcia Marquez's home like [Q call him, didn't invite poor Gayfryd Steinberg even though she mils lire/enly for PEN. which is £orally imo writers like Gabo. How unappreciative! Think of all the cenrerpieces sh~ has spDoy-painted in th~ nam~ of the cont~mpoDory Latin Am~rican n~l! Maybe Gabo figured $h~ 9>'Ouldn't want to com~ aU th~ way ro Havana. The horels are terrible. Of cours~, h~ could have invited her ro stay at hiJ house, which is quite nic~ if you like

FlO EL ----2:.;,-------BY T. S. LORD

POOR GAYFRYD STEINBERG. THE party of th~ dtr"dt'-and sh~ wasn'r ev~n invited. Oh, sure, Gayfryd rhrew a big multimillion-dollar wedding for her against· all-ge netic-odds·slende r sr~ pd aughre r's meq;er withJonathan Tisch, and yes, rh~ incredibly imFASHION porrant peopl~ sh~ invited were rhe rype who never have to srand around and wair for anything, and sh~ mad~ rhem stand around and wait rwo whole hours for dinner to begin. That's how important Jhe is, (Some very, very important people, such as Mr, Ivana Trump, very c1assily dipped off

Beverly HiUs-bourgwis on~-story Spanish h; colonials with servants, small swimming 10 pools and sinis[~r.looking black M~rcedes sedans in rh~ drive. May~ not as nic~ as the self-described socialists other houses, in Cartagena, Mexico City, Cuemavaca and Barcelona-bur nice. And I'm sure Surrl that Gayfry<! would have appreciated the gathe fact that Gabo's is one of the few (iving manl rooms in Havana wirhout even O"t pictur~ uncre of Ch~ Guevara on th~ wall. fatigu, Anyway, Gayfryd would probably have snappc ~n really out of h~r e1~ment. because Cuban Cabo did th~ unthitlkabl~: h~ didn't invite corpoN the press. Imagine if Gayfry<! had been so fecdy Ii insensitive as to keep from the public the POtted d particulars of the 50,000 French roses, the and a J. Roederer Cristal champagne, the custom- from Bot painted uompe l'oeil walls, the harpists in granny sl whire sarin togas, the salmon, veal, lamb gray ~ar. and chicken, th~ Brazilian orch~stra and Survey; th~ t~n·foot-high wedding cak~ Tht peopuanor (in; hallt" righlltJ ItMw! NO[ only was Gayfrydately spon not invited (0 Gabds - she d~sn't evt" u/la, and( re YOu fr. know whar everyone wore! Gabo's parry was called for the fashio ad G...rma,< able hour of 9:00 p.m. Most of the 20 so guests appeared promptly between 9: and 9:30. Bob Redford, who is known fI

,1tOU .ufO ftlOU Gorfryd Steinbe", cocktailtalb ta A,,". Ball (right) and to Lauro Po..... • rollh (below), .ach all. of tfIem mt<f>OU11y pretending that

Wh_ elM c:ould Donald Trump'l VIP fother, Fred, and mothet", Ma,., (who il absolutely nota beauty pa.... 10' aperotor), be in tileM ve,., elegant ond Iwanll, outfits but at an Italian falhion gala1

.. NAUTT TW'S At the launch 01 the acfvoertilinSl campaign fw h.. new Icent, Kn_ing, Eate. Laude<- (th. on. whose Ihoulcieri (lnd letl ore not vilible) ltondl nut to Poulina PorI.. IIova, inviting an unfartunate camponlan,

his Liz Taylor-ish unpunctuality, came at 10:30. Bur it was the tM/rmdante whose arrival caused the greatesr scir. because no one, with the possible exception of Gabo, : as knew he was coming, and here he was, bursting in the door at nearly midnighr, surrounded by his enroun.ge. The crowd sure gathered eagerly around Fidel. whose large, Id" manly frame was attired in a brand-new, ving uncreased, long-sleeved dark-green khaki «ure fatigue shirt that zipped up the from and have snapped at the top. On the epaulets was a e:ause Cuban flag ab<M:: a design apparently ininvite e:orporating sugarcane stalks. He wore pereen so fecdy 6ning matching khaki pants im,lie: the potted dim:dy from Romania by his dresser >es, the and a large ....-oven·leather heir. possibly uswm' from Bottega ~nera. He wore black learner pistS in gn.nny shoes and a small khaki cap. His Ii lamb gray beard was neatly trimmed. and Sutvtying the room, Fidel, me former 'M ~ph actor (in Xavier Cugat movies). immedi· Gayfr ately spotted Crtrman actress Hanna Schy. sot eve lIa. and engaged her in conversation. :Are you from the good Germany or the ad Germany?" he 1,l,"Ondered. She replied that they probably would nOt agree on the answer to that question,

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Bob greeted the dictator but [hen wandered off to the buffet rable. One of Fidel's many aides, all of whom were dressed in a fashion idemical to mat of their coman· (kmtt, was stunned by the actor's seeming indifference. An aide inquired, Did not Air. Rufford wiJh to converse wilh Iht fl4k? Me.

Redford said mar of course he wished to converse with the leader, but first he wanted to ear, Bob 'WOre a white linen shirt with some kind of green-and-orange Italian insignia on the pocket. The s~s ~re rolled up. He had on pleatrd whi~ silk pan($, and around his slender "''aist was a reptilian belt, which you can be sure was ofthe unendangered variety. On his ...~ry small [err were some very small cowboy boots. Cabo "'lore white linen, which also was wrinkle-frtt despite the rather problematic climatic conditions. Gabo's classic Brooks Brothers shin was unbuttoned a modest twO buttons from me top. His shan bore numer-

ous coats of white polish and rested atOp stacked heels, which a~ certain, now thar GabOs preference has been revealed. to mili a comeback. He was sockless. The revelers d'iiled on, fhicken, shrimp and lobster, an(f the c"onversation was sprighcly. Fidel told the room at large thar

even in death there are class distinctions. Servants in marching blue COtton dresses collected the dishes. Fidel stayed only an hour at the parry. He had a full schedule the following day, something about having to r;ive his secre· tary a lot of dictation. Perhaps he wanted to jOt a little note to Cardinal O'Connor. who JUSt a week earlier had pa.id him a visit. (The cardinal had worn a long black conon dress with a brighr red sash around the middle. Flung around his shoulders with dashing insouciance was a short black cape) Everyone was sad to 5tt Fidel go, and when rhe romandanu had departed, Bob pronounced him ·charming:' The parry cominued, with Bob nOt leaving until 2:00 a.m, and many mo~ hanging on till 4:00. There 'I\'ete no trumpeters in medieval costume, as there we~ at the Steinberg w'edding. no tuxedo-dad umbrella bearers, nOt even a burgundy RollsRoyce or a measly captain of industry. but, with the "..orld's most famous good writer, the world's most famous good aaor and me world's most famous Third World di(ta[Qr together in one small room, a good time was had by all. )

SHO, TAU

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Chrirtion LaCroix, while LoCroi,,'s rich-a"cl-fomOUl dcrte stares off into lpou, ignored. Eillio"ai.. hra Zilkho and Woftwr er-kite sho,. a bitof boy tall, at the Met 01 Mr$. Thomol Mellon ('1'0,,11'011. her eyes o"d. pemaps. thl"b ofoll the fun.he could be ho..I"9 tolki"S1 with thot "ic. Colyin KJein obout pouf dresses.

geffi"' ....

- Oil aided. shOftfl.ess-ao9gervfi"S1 touch): dod,. hom top l«t. with HSJtoi"9 p"!ltdentiol lIOftColldifVtSc:h.-deo;talki". toH with doN Vo n _ Whit. Oftd ry Secretory Jo"," Bo'-; witt! - . . sllO#fef Holly. s1eoqball Jock Volenti; with publicist Paul Bloch (i" i"l1 costu....) o"d Mon.Ton* bodnJuordl. o\CGUST 191111 wr H

COflWEV I S L A N D HASN",- B E E N .....H E ~AIWIE

NEW IMPROVED NEW YORK

LH SI"'( AUGUST 1'MI8

;ina they ton down StuplKha;e; PaliJatkJ Park and Ftftdomland an kng gone. Bllt in ollr New. ImprrJlJtd Ntw York,)I01I won't mill any oftlxm: Manhllttan haJ its oum Ftrris whttl, right ktwmr tm World Trade /qu/~n. And if; a big one-not tm kind that haw )1011 IoDking in/q MIlIbtrry Strtet walk-lip; or at the flight dÂŤk of the Us.s. Intrepid. ExpanduJ from G.\v.G. Ftrrirl original tkJigtl, the 1,350-jJot-high, 6()..<ar Whetl of Fivt &rollgh; boa;ts mollgh ;pted /q givt ]011 a nmarkable view of dinner ;tiling; at Windows on the World btjm )'011 (an say -Harry Lime: Down btlow, it'; mort s(ary ritkJ, holography rans, akbrity mlld-wrtJtling, Eqllity bllrlesqlle hollStl, llmlltellr Inak ;how; and, 01 (Ollnt, Nathan's FamOIlS. Up abollt, jmt tnjoy the light; andoops! - mind the Fnn(h high-win artist. ) ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID DIRCKS

....... E: U ..... · B R . T . S ...

True·FalJe ACROSS

DOWN

1. Never trust a puppet

1. Owl confused by

with a ... pine smell. (4,4)

vitamin pellet where

S. Good citizens don't lie

faith in presidential

when rendering UntO this

veracity is ar. (3,3)

outfit what belongs to

2. Almost noble in this

rhem. (6)

town. (6)

9. Question that arises

3. In weird dim sun,

after gentleman's

rotal (skin.deep)

agreement distributing

openness. (6)

ad wealth. (4.,4)

4. Tis in crackly noise

10. 'California's a great

over South we get third

place

live-if you're an

kind of lies. said Mark

___ ~~_·-Fred Allen. (6)

Twain. (10)

11. Lies benearh a

6. Breaking stories

Taurus. (8)

difficulr on all four

12. Pan of foOt not

points. (4,4)

marching to diffetent

7. French intimate

drummer. (6)

swallows denial

14. Adam didn't lie

immediately. (2,2,4)

about them, at least not at

8. This dog proverbially

first. (:5,5)

allowtd to lie. (8)

18. Peculiar hick etches

13. Charming

what comes before "In

Florida thug lied

the

terribly. (10)

Mail.~

(3,5,2)

22. Ellcuses returned in

15. Unfamiliar person

sibilance. (6)

has quality of truth,

23. Fib, e.g., originally, ·We

vis-a-vis fiction. (8)

hold these trurhs ro be

16. Movement mimes fin

self.evident, thar all men

deviously. (8)

are created equaL· ('5,3)

17. Flurry of one righi,

24. Ctoss·examine with

twO lefts, three - almost

energy in front of car. (6)

exciting fiction. (8)

25. Interminently outfield

19. Passage SOlinds honesr.

rooter, Mafia chief. (3,3,2)

(6)

26. Gossip of strong

20. Odd doctor lies

drink or South. (6)

in deceptive delivety.

27. Communist leadet

(6)

strict in interpretation

21. In Hoboken Nell

(we heat) of climax

has a place

favored by 16. (8)

dog. (6)

lie like a

Thl anJwUJ to the Un-British Crossword apptar on page /49. I%SI'Y AUGUST 1988

..... RC» ..... BLC»U ..... T

JR.

aile

ton

nati .11\\ ('1I1i

II It II

e â&#x20AC;˘

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