Spy Magazine October 1993

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October1SS3Contents

Departments Great Expectations.

Naked City

► The dopiest Kennedy. Hamptons come alive, 1980s-scyle. The Bigfoot-blimp disaster: Did it really happen?

Russian funny business. The Tommy knockofFs. Why kike is worth 12 points but yid only 7. Ozzie and Harriet, all-purpose names. Lazlo airborne in the USA. In The Fine Print: Are you

out of your mind?

Big PiauRES Michael Richards

^ ©

Features

photographed for spy by Jon Ragel. For more Information, see page 74.

The Search for Intelligent Life in the University

►To conservative think-tankers, they are a national disgrace. But is there

any bad news about America's colleges? A studious examination by Larissa MacFarquhar, Daniel Radosh, Louis Theroux and the rest of the SPY 1993 College Guide Scholars uncovers

the scapegoating of keg parties, the Prozac glut and the horrible truth about visiting speakers.

Also: wacky profs, killer frats and more stupid courses

®

YuPi It's the 1980s

► SPY remembers a decade of unbridled greed, Republican

complacency and some rather good restaurants doing interesting things with kiwi. Featuring Kyle Baker on his Trump-like success story; Larry Doyle a la recherche du Trumps perdus\ JOE Queenan playing

Trump for a Day; and Chris Kelly on the 1980s oeuvre of Michad "Trump" Douglas and the once and future Trump himself. Plus: an

® all-1980s, Trump-free Party Poop

®

HER Cheatin' Heart

►She was one of the most notorious cardsharpers and slot-machine cheats ever to hit the Strip in Las Vegas. Ten years after her last score, Patty Lane talks to J. Randall

Prior and reveals how she helped beat casinos out of millions

@

► Celia Brady admires good mousekeeping in The Industry;

Ann Mitchell feels like Ophelia about the Hamlets in D.C

©

► Ellis Weiner strolls down Sleazy Street; Ann Hodgman walks down the Aisle of Dreams; Drew Friedman visits elder-statesman-about-town Richard Nixon in Private Lives of Public

Figures; and Roy BlountJr. Gallups into the 1990s in The Un-British

Crossword Puzzle

m

^

spy (ISSN 0890-1759) is published monthly with combined July-Auitust and December-January issues, for a total of ten issues annually. © 199.^ by SPY Corp., 5 Union Square West, N.Y.. N-Y. 1000.5. Submissions: Send with SASE to same address. For advenisinij sales, call 2i2-633-655(>.

Second-class postage paid at N.Y., N.Y., and additional mailing offices. Annual subscription r.ites: U.S. and possessions, $14.75; Canada. U.S.$25; foreign, U.S.$35- Postmaster; Send address changes to SPY, P.O. Box 57397. Boulder, CO 80321-7397. For subscription information and customerservice assistance, call 800-333-8128 within the United States and Canada. Overseas, call 303-447-

9330. If additional subscription assistance is needed, write to SPY, Circulation Dept., 5 Union

Square West, N.Y., N.Y. 10003. Member, Audit Bureau of Circulations, i© Canada GST Reg. No. R12902!()93. Caruda Post Jnt") Mail Publication No. 0003433. Printed iti the U.S.A.

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I n s M n c I A killer comedy.

OLDWYN-MAYER JACOBS/GARDNER»- .-.CARLREINER.. 'FATALINSTINCr ARMANDASSANTE SHERILYNFENN KALENELLIGAN SEAN YOUNG TONY RANDALL ...RICHARD GIBBS.......ALBERT WOLSKY ..= BUOMOLIN ..LSANDY VENEZIANO GABRIEL BERISIAIN, B.s c.

PIETER JAN BRUGGE.... DAVID O'MALLEY Its, on™— ,,.;«.KAIIE JACOBS..PIERCE GARDNER...... CARL REINER

§

CO

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1

"IT'S A GREAT MISTAKE TO TALK ABOUT THE REAGAN-BUSH YEARS. THE REAGAN YEARS WERE ONE THING, AND THEN YOU HAVE THE BUSH-CLINTON YEARS.. ..

MR. CUNTON'S POLICIES ARE SIMPLY MR. BUSH'S POUCIES WRIT LARGE."-M///.»

He's looking for his Social Security card, in the boxes in the garage. His new company employs a lot of aliens, and its payroll policy requires the actual card.

And suddenly, there it is—the floor plan for theJersey City co-op.

Converted factory, scads of bed rooms, oak-paneled study, Jacuzzi with a view of Manhattan, pool table in the game room, exposed brick everywhere, 14-foot ceilings.

A teardrop forms....

She's looking for the baby walk er. She thought she put it here when Jason outgrew it. And suddenly, there it is—the Alcott & Andrews

ex. cu

■s s:

suit Mom bought her when she got her M.B.A. from IJ of C and went straight into a $^5,000 job at the commodities exchange.

Dead black, wide at the top like Ming the Merciless, tapering to a lean, mean waist. What was that joke the traders had?

"Chicago—City of Wide Shoul der Pads."

CO

A teardrop forms....

Not since decade culpability was invented in the 1960s (to revile the '50s) has a decade been so reviled i

as the '80s. The 1980s, generally taken to mean the I years between Reagan's first inaugural and the Crash of '87, are widely seen as the root cause of almost every ill that ails us. The seven fat years—fat as in wallet, Frusen Gladje, Georgette Mosbacher's waistline—are now held responsi ble for drive-by shootings, ozone holes, crack cocaine, rock-bot tom real estate, collapsing bridges, collapsing lungs, post office massacres, date rape, racism, classism, ageism, eating disorders, inertia, gridlock, depression, Catharine MacKinnon, Rush Limbaugh and a simply frightful increase in plain old bad manners.

The previous decade always gets clobbered by the current one, but there's something especially rancorous -

about 1980s-bash-

ing.

The

1970s

were reviled in

the '80s, but not in any w.- "It

substant i V e way.

They were pegged as

Great Expectations lame,soggy, loose, a doped-out security

guard for the psychedelic concert of the '60s, which was where the '80s really wanted to be, kicking some real ass.

Scratch the surface of'SOs-bashing,

in fact, and you pretty soon find that it's just another round in the endless

bickering between the '60s and the '50s—decade-wise, the Mom and Pop of modern America. It's profit vs. peo

ple, war vs. love, Hamilton vs. Jeffer son, narrow cuffs vs. wide.

In every respect, the 1980s—the

surd and humiliating way for U.S. athletes to win scores of medals—they

had no opponents. But that wasn't quite the point. None of this stuff was to be taken seriously, any more than

the "evil empire" was, or a "winnable nuclear war." When Jonathan Schell came along with his horribly serious Fate of the Earth, bitching about what would actually happen after a nuclear holocaust, he was shushed like some

nut who starts yelling in the middle of Cats. Schell just didn't get it.

Cooler liberals did. They turned

Schell's bitching into a harmless

ity—not only made money but be came part of the 1980s, helped to give it its distinctive character. That very theatricality helped form 1980s style. It's hard to create real style without taking the risk of being thought tasteless. Just as vast selfconfidence always involves vast selfdelusion, so style always springs from a certain recklessness. Realism, mod

eration, judiciousness, sensitivity to others—the politics of meaning—may

make you feel fine, but they'll never make you look fine.

Frankly, we're bored with 1980sbashing. As the de

neo-'50s—reversed the '60s. Peace Love

megaspecial called The

and No Money were replaced by War

Day After and got sen

cade's flat-out crimes

Loathing and Untold Wealth. Taking replaced giving. Poor neighborhoods

sational ratings. They

begin to recede, as its

convinced millions

supposed wickedness

were seized to shelter the rich. Poor

fades into historical

"cuisines" was in single figures. In

that watching Live Aid actually helped the Ethiopians, that watch ing Farm Aid actually

every sense the powerful ate the weak.

helped the farmers.

pie costumes of the

It's no accident that the 1980s saw

They convinced them

mid-1980s are no lon

the ascent of baby vegetables.

selves that there was

constructing TV!—to watching a lightweight

ger the uniforms of a rabid enemy; they look as quaint and dated as 1950s-greaser leather jackets did when Sha

called Letterman fluff interviews and climb

stock. And as harmless.

food was gentrified, too, often from countries where the number of actual

But the 1980s were far more than

just the '50s redux. It took the rever sal of the 1960s a step farther than ever before. Reagan managed to turn the whole Hip-Square construct of the 1950s and '60s on its end, by casting progressive radicals as boring, fuddy-duddy conservatives with hor

some purpose—post modern humor! de

into 2,000 pounds of onion dip.

Good things happened to bad lib

rible taste in clothes and conservatives

erals. Some—like Oliver Stone-

as radical progressives, lean, well dressed and fun-loving. In the 1950s

found seats on the gravy train living off the very energy they deplored.

Others got thin and hard with Jane and started wearing lots of black.

the white establishment wore white,

light blue or gray and gloried in its wide-bellied status quo. In the 1980s

ambiguity, the seven

fat years become less threatening. The yup

Na Na sang at Wood

Ditto those green-and-black-terraced, rose-mirrored monstrosities

generated by the building boom of the mid-1980s. Once a symbol of what bankers were capable of doing to crip pled widows and paraplegic orphans, they now seem to have a mad exuber

Graduates of the Human Potential

ance to them that the Clinton era will

it dressed in black and pretended to

Movement discovered their Inhuman

be out of power.

Potential. They looked at the War Loathing and Untold Wealth switcheroo with fresh eyes. Why shouldn't

never achieve (and could surely use).

Seen a Miami Vice rerun recently? The and their baggy jackets and T's, their

women bomb orphanages? Who says

tireless tackiness, their turtle- and

1980s catchword in two places: the

ozone-trashing cigarette boat.

It may well be the time for the canny 1980s-style entrepreneur to start stocking his warehouses with red suspenders, yellow ties, Weejuns, cortoiseshell-rim glasses, Atari games,

Pentagon and SoHo.

Mac Pluses, Rubik's Cubes and Cab

Crucial to this fiction were the

media, jaded by a decade of shrill,

scruffy earnestness and delighted that one of their own—a pro—was in the quintessentially theatrical—a mutual

art can't be a commodity? If bankers can steal other people's money and call it their own, why can't artists

suspension of disbelief that allowed

steal other artists' work and call it

the mad excesses and glorious idiocies

their own? Appropriation was a big

White House. The result was

of the 1980s.

Anyone cool was in on the suspen sion of disbelief. The show was to be

Anyone who accepted the suspen

enjoyed, not questioned. In the real

sion of disbelief—this theatrical em

world, the L.A. Olympics were an ab-

bargo on the normal rules of credibil-

6 SPY OCTOBER 1993

same is true of Crockett and Tubbs

bage Patch Kids.

Now, if only we could get IBM back up to 176. J

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Letters to SPY

From tk SPY Mailrooni v5

There's something about swirty handwriting in ballpoint pen on lined paper that renders the statement "I am a sophomore in high school" redundant. Nevertheless, Angela Shea

of Willowick, Ohio, opens her letter with those very words. Unlike most high

Thank you so much for your expres sion of support ["New Improved Re ality," June]. I believe you. I am glad my grandmother was not alive to see it, but my mother would have loved it, as do my nieces and nephews.

school sophomores, Angela is already thinking of her future. She read "Camp CIA"(by Adam J. Freed, May) and

Janet Reno U.S. Attorney General Washington, D.C.

writes to say,"I would jump at the chance to attend such a camp!!"

minal problems, which requires wishing away articles published on November 17 and December 9, 1986, and almost weekly thereafter for more than three years. (If you don't believe me, ask Milken.) The suggestion that Ronald Perelman's links to Milken

were never noted in z\\e Journal is

probably the topper: It misses 22 such articles, beginning in 1985.

The nine years of Norman's leadership of the Journal were a

golden age for its coverage, a time of

(Oh, yeah, we forgot to mention the

innovation and achievement by its

exclamation points.) Angela requests

reporters and editors.

that we send her additional information about the camp, if and when it reopens, because she'd like to "go into law enforcement as an FBI agent." Angela,

The article "Pearlstine Before Swine"

Francis X. Dealy Jr., Birch Lane Press;

The Wall Street Journal

maybe you should read the article again

June] is what an economist might call

New York

[adapted from The Power and the Money: Inside the Wall StreetJournal, by

Paul Steiger

Managing editor

Pennsylvania, does not give her grade

never even dated. The article mis

Melvin Wulf, libel counsel to Carol Publishing Group (of which Birch Lane is an imprint), replies, "I conducted a prepublication libel review of The Power and the Money. A few years ago, 1

in school but does write in swirly handwriting in ballpoint pen on lined

states the fi rst name of my deputy,

conducted the libel revieiv of an earlier

Byron Calame, and the last name of

paper. "Remember the movie The Big

Don Moffitt, one of its supposed

BiueV Michelle asks, as if we could ever forget. "The diver in the movie was

sources. It relies on a nonexistent

Jean-Marc Barr, and I was wondering if

and Dick Beattie, and describes a

work by Mr. Dealy, Win at Any Cost, a controversial history of the NCAA. 1 was impressed then, and was equally impressed during my review of The Power and the Money, with Mr. Dealy's industry,

he was in any other movies. The Big Blue was the only production I have ever seen this truly beautiful man in. Also,

dinner meeting between Norman and

commitment to accuracy and his addiction

Bruce Wasserstein that never cook

is he a diver in reality? The innocence

easy on Wasserstein, ignoring a

to finding multiple sources to support the factual basis for any controversial material. Mr. Steiger accuses Mr. Dealy of

he portrays in this movie is so real, so genuine. He is a masterpiece, and I must

February 11, 1991, Heard on the

a handful of minor factual inaccuracies

Street column that did anything but that. It says serious scrutiny of Jim Robinson only began with our awardwinning "The Vendetta," missing the coining of the phrase Teflon executive in a January 9, 1990, Heard. It refers to a spiked story on Eli Jacobs, over looking the May 15, 1991, front-page story that was the fi rst nationally published expose of Jacobs's financial

and expresses his disagreement with Mr. Dealy's judgment about how well the Journal covered the activities of the leading financial predators of the 1980s. Mr. Steiger thinks the Journal did a swell job.

Mr. Dealy thinks they did a pathetically inadequate job. The limitations of time and space forbid my going into the

more carefully, especially the headline

neo-Hobbesian: nasty, brutish and

part. The agency-or the bureau-will expect that kind of attention to detail.

false. As to the assertion that Norman Pearlstine and Linda Gosden (now

Michelle Carroll of Harrisburg,

Robinson) had a "romance," they

know more about him. Where is he

living these days, how old is he, and is he married?!!?" We welcome letters like

yours, Michelle, and hope Parade is as nice when they get your suggestions for "Separated at Birth?"

J. E. Lillge of Sunnyvale, California, writes, "I'm so pleased to see your series The SPY Lazio Letters[Naked City]. It's now the second feature I turn

to each month." Thefirst, of course, 8 SPY OCTOBER 1995

>■

personal friendship between Norman

place. It says the Journal then went

difficulties. The article alleges that the Journal lagged—rather than led— on exposing Michael Milken's cri

differences between Mr. Steiger and Mr. Dealy in any detail. The Power and the Money has now been published, and readers can decide for themselves who has the better argument." *-*

■S-.r

Win}-

1. ;Sk

;f'

V. •

A&S

CARSON PIRIE SCOTT

MAISON BLANCHE

EMPORIUM-CAPWELL

cover like watch out for the decap

is the "Where Are They Now?" column.

Last month a reader reported discovering Citizen Lazlb's name in a'/Vew York

Times article about Hungarian orphans.

J.E. sends us an item from last June's Scientific American:"In 1975 Laszio

Fejes loth formulated what is now called the sausage conjecture. It states that for five or more dimensions,the arrangement of balls whose convex hull has minimal volume is always a sausage, however large the number of balls may be." Scientific American printed this?

We remember when Toth pitched it to us and we laughed in his face. Justshoot some wacky pictures ofsoup cans, we told him.

"Call for a comment on the enclosed," reads the note from John Detrick of

Coral Gables. We saw no need to call, however, because the enclosed, a clipping from the Miami New Times, Just about said it all. According to the paper, Detrick "hitchhiked to the Paul McCartney concert in Charlotte, North Carolina, got within 32 feet of the stage, and began chucking all-beef hot dogs at (vegetarian) Linda.'About the sixth one actually hit her in the side of the head,' Johnny says." Mr. Detrick, SPY salutes you. Those who put their lives on the line in Tiananmen Square

You guys did it again! Your July/Au gust Hillary cover will no doubt cause some to gnash their teeth and con demn your magazine for using poor judgment. Thanks for another great cover job.

itated HEAD IN THIS ISSUE!, or maybe something inside like JUST 20 PAGES TO A DECAPITATED HEAD! If yOU put some effort into the project, perhaps you could somehow seal the decapitated-head-featuring pages together and give the reader greater control

David Miller

over it: IF YOU WANT to see a decapi

Centerville, Ohio

tated HEAD, BREAK THIS SEAL. (Maybe I'm being a little sensitive. Yes, I used to live in New Jersey, but I didn't get into Manhattan enough to get used to

The July/August issue was another gem to be savored. The article on Steven Seagal was excellent, and the

piece on "Rev. Medved" [The Webs,

by Rodney Gibbs and Jane Craig} was long overdue. I've seen JeflFrey Lyons on other shows, and he always struck me as an intelligent, well-spoken crit ic. Then you see him on Sneak Pre views, and he's a ninny who serves lit

tle purpose but to be a sounding board for Michael Medved to bounce

his clever little thoughts oflF. Thanks for clearing up that mystery.

Kevin Hall

Sandston, Virginia

such things.)

Scott Gimple

Canfield, Ohio Bodies are decapitated; heads are disem bodied. Try to get into the city more often.

Oh, and watch out for page 12.

Great piece on the fetus snatchers ["Fetus Frenzy," by Carol Vinzant, May}. Incidentally, I went to high school (St. Ignatius College Prep, Chicago) with prolifer Joe Scheidler's brood. Joe actually picketed his daughter's high school graduation be cause Jim Thompson, our prochoice

I thought my subscription to SPY had

governor at the time, was the com

already paid for itself when you pub

mencement speaker.

Rebecca Serksnys Chicago, Illinois

must fall to their knees before a man

lished that fine article about director

with the raw guts to flip snack food at a backup singer.

In our faux David Letterman

John Hughes ["Big Baby," by Richard Lalich, February}. But then you go and expose two of my least favorite Chicagoans in one issue!

program guide ("Dave/," July/August),

Michael Medved and Bob Greene

we invited questions and comments via the {faux) Dave/-o-Fax. Now we know

Flynn and Chris Fisher} have both

why we've avoided printing a fax number

been sources of annoyance for years.

Questions: Why would you show a photograph of Jackie Onassis's hands [Big Pictures, May}? Why would you show a photo of President Clinton's bleeding ear [Great Expectations, June}? Why would you give away the

before. There's a term from aeronautical engineering, which we can't remember

Anthony Chambers Chicago, Illinois

endings of certain movies I haven't seen yet ["The Hot Summer Movie

["Johnny Deadline, Slacker," by Jane

off the top of our heads, that describes what happens when technology gets so

good that humans can't do anything useful with it. We might ask Mark Stull, Lenexa, Kansas-based Dave fan and non-

Luddite, who faxes high hopes that Paul Shaffer will be following Dave to CBS

and adds,"Oh, by the way,I sell used

data-processing equipment, mainly IBM. Would there be any interest?" Sorry,

Thing," June}? When did you be come such assholes?

Greg Teta

I enjoy reading your magazine from

time to time; it's a pleasant way to pass an hour or so, and you people can be damn clever. In the ftiture, though, I would appreciate it if you could give your readers some sort of warning that they are about to see a picture of

Mark, we're more compatible with the

a decapitated head like the one in

soft-sell technique of Baltimore's

your July/August issue [Big Pic tures}. Perhaps something on the

Brennen Jensen, who asks about Dave's *â– 10 SPY OCTOBER 1993

Yonkers, New York

November 21, 1963, 12:30p.m. CST. SPY welcomes letters from its readers.

Address correspondence to SPY, The SPY Building, 5 Union Square West, New York, N.Y 10003. Typewritten letters

are preferred. Please include your day time telephone number. Letters may be editedfor length or clarity. |)

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tooth gap and signs off, "Oh, by the way, since I'm using the company fax machine, If you reply by fax, please toss the words 'Macintosh CAD software' somewhere In your opening." These

readers, fax-fluent, computer-literate

and mind-numbingly naive, are the very people who are, someday, going to be causing interminable rubbernecking delays all over Al Gore's precious information highway.

Of the other respondents, the pool was pretty much evenly divided

between those who got the joke and those who either truly believed or at least thought it possible they were

reaching Letterman. Of the latter group, I'

Jeremy Hainsworth is to be commended

for at least displaying a reporter's healthy dose of skepticism. Hainsworth

is a reporter (albeit a Canadian one) with the Prince Rupert, British Columbia, Daily News. He demanded, "Is this really Dave's fax line? Please respond on letterhead." Tricky! An unknown person or people who could put together an eight-page, full-color program guide could never whip up a little stationery.

"Big Jim O'Brien," on the other hand, displays no apparent skepticism.

O'Brien, a morning jock on the Charleston, South Carolina, Mix 104.5 FM station, first asked if Dave could swing by Charleston on his promotional tour and generously invited him to call the station collect. His second fax, the next day, made the much more reasonable request for five minutes of Dave's time to phone In and "say hi to the listeners." Dave's real busy.

Big Jim. Try Dennis Miller. Sam, Sean and Jon (whereabouts unknown)faxed

to ask,"You guys planning on bringing back the sneakers any time soon?"

Hell no! We found 'em, we're keeping 'em. The boys identify themselves as instructors at something called UCC

Camp. Which means they'll probably be

hearing from Angela Shea soon.^ CORRECTION

In September's "U.K. Decay," credit for the use of the Spitting Image

If you're from a so

IN THE SMALL TOWN of Lynchburg, Tennessee, nothing seems to change but the seasons.

Folks spend easy October evenings on the porch like they always have. The conversation is much like it's always been. And over in

Jack Daniel's Hollow, we still make

our Tennessee Whiskey in the very manner our founder perfected — the way our friends have always liked it. A sip, we believe, and you'll be

glad the only thing changing

here is the color of the trees.

made to Spitting Image Productions. ^

BiHfcV ^

SMOOTH SIPPIN'

TENNESSEE WHISKEY

puppets on page 30 was inadvertently omitted. Grateful acknowledgment is

^9 Iry

Tennessee Whiskey •4(}43X alcohol by volume(8086 proof]• Distilled and Bottled by jack Daniel Distillery. Lem Motlow, Proprietor, Route I, Lynchburg (Pop 361), Tennessee 37352 Placed in t/ie NanVmal Register of Hisroric Places i»y t/ie United States GinCTument.

M

The Industry t-B-yHot on the heels of Disney's hitless summer, one imagines chairman Jeff"Sparky" Katzenberg spending long days in sober reflection, refocusing, figuring out how to make and market those modestly budgeted quality films—arty^ sexy films for which he now wants to be known. Looking at the Big Picture. But

Black....How much time was left to

decide to release Disney's recent jewel in the crown. What's Love Got to Do With It, in the same month as Jurassic Park and The Firm?

Not chat Levin doesn't set an inter

(admirably, perhaps) Katzenberg, like God, is also keeping an eye

esting management tone. SPY has

on the details.

learned that from mid-1989 through

Take, for instance, Disney's rather obsessive attention to VideoScan. A sister operation to Billboard's record-sales data service SoundScan, Video-

early '90, while he was separating from

Scan publishes home-video sales coi-

the Bel Age Hotel without ever receiv

his first wife, he spent nine months at

lected by means of a bar-scan system

may be too scary for children, its intend

ing a bill for the room. (At 1993's

in retail stores. Disney, the indis

$175-a-night prices, that would come

putable champion in home-video sell-

ed audience. Making the sale would be the job of Buena Vista Pictures Mar

through, claims chat the service un-

keting president Robert Levin. But

derrepresents the types of specialty

Levin has important junior staffing

asked about it several years ago. Levin acknowledged that his convenient ar

stores chat carry Disney products and

matters on his mind. Most recently,

thus underestimates their sales. Dis

Disney sources say, Levin became

ney, being Disney, decided to deal with this problem by making a pest of itself. Video Store Magazine, which started running a Top 50 best-sellers

irate when a low-level employee,

chart based on VideoScan's data in

March, attempted to weight its num bers to compensate for Disney's claimed misrepresentation, and ran a Disney-friendly disclaimer as well, just to be safe. According to a source

manager Sean Dudas, de Dudas gave notice, a Levin underling asked

any role in his stay at

plete Disney

the

year. Sources recall Disney executives

drea Jaffe of Fox to make sure she

went on to claim that no one had inter

ceded on his behalf.

Disney, a public com pany, never paid

phone with An

knew

how

Bel

Age; he said no and

repeatedly pestering Variety manage ment about how Disney was represent ed. Shortly thereafter. Variety editor Peter Bart (whose close links to high

Picky Mouse

_ the tab. Disney

be

trayed he felt.

In a parallelly piddling incident,

widely publicized) received a personal call, reportedly from Sparky himself,

a recent chart in

and the chart was discontinued.

to list Disney

16SPy OCTOBER 1993

Media, had

wasn't a com

though, until Levin got on the

proach the puppet horror show,since it

International

immediately. It

manage-

holiday big-ticket, Tim Burton's Night mare Before Christnias. The film's promo tional tie-in advertisers are reportedly extremely anxious about how to ap

Holt of Western

him to leave his office

ment event,

Another matter Disney might do

More recently, SPY asked Levin if Disney's primary advertising broker and his good friend, Mr. Dennis

fected to Fox Inc. The day

received threats from Disney to pull ads; in August the chart was dropped.

Disney magic may also account for a vanishing chart in Variety earlier this

well to concentrate on is how to sell its

rangement had been facili tated by one "Mr. Holt."

western-states promotion

familiar with the situation. Video Store

ly placed studio personnel have been

to a total of about $47,000.) When

MediaWeek failed

Disney magic may account for

vanishing charts in two magazines earlier this year

among the top 20 newspaper adver tisers. Levin promptly registered a personal complaint with Cathy Black, president of the Newspaper Associa

policy prohibits employees from accepting "any

gifts...or special privileges...from any

person

or

business that does

tion of America. Let's see: About 60

or seeks to do business with Disney."

By the way, Richard Frank, presi dent of Walt Disney Studios, is an old college pal of Levin's.

See you Monday night at Mortons.

minutes for the Dudas insurrection, 10 minutes composing a retort to

in the soup.

I'll be the one looking for insect parts —Celia Brady

s

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lo lea or Not to lea Hear that high whine? Almost drowning out the whir of choppers and the snap of limo doors, it s the sound of Washington wheels spinning, desperately trying to fix things.

he voted against the

bill anyway.

Arkansas freshman and People maga

"real people" in Ohio), he continued

zine subject Blanche Lambert was an other player on the public seesaw, stay ing on the undecided list as long as possible. As a conservative Democrat, she needed to be persuaded, wooed, cajoled to vote on her president's plan. Just before the bill passed, guess whose pretty face was peeping out from behind Speaker Foley's shoulder at a related press conference?

Finally, there's Pennsylvania Demo

to hem and haw until the last minute,

crat and former Altoona weatherman

Ron Klink. In May, The Washington Post

At the White House, a volunteer clipping corps works from

10:00 p.m. until after dawn filling the daily White House news di gest with reams of news and views the earnest decision-makers real and wanna-be—feel they must have in order to keep pace with world

events. Congress too is in a cold sweat (with the possible exception of Chairman Rosty, who didn't let budget voting deter him from his cus tomary steak); the public trust has

never weighed more, and never have more borne the burden quite so pub licly. The prince of public soulsearchers during the budget debate was Kerrey in the Senate, but baby

country great,

Tyson (Fingerhut wanted to make sure that the administration heard from the

gion. They went into seclusion from

when he broke down and voted yes.

"He looked like he'd just made the biggest deci

fellow members (but not the media),

sion

took calls from the White House and

life," said

publicly ruminated. Many required a personal call from the president.

one Capitol

he made a final demand: a

observer.

"It came down to autographed pic tures and whether their daughters

"His glasses were off, his eyes

letter signed by Clinton out lining why the

Hamlets in the House were also le

then, after personal woo-

of his

ings by Gore and Clinton,

Btu tax was

could go swimming with Chelsea,"

were hollow, his

says one lobbyist.

hair was tousled"—

Curiously, some of the most visibly anguished legislators have a special knack for PR or even—ahem—profes

sional TV experience. Former Pennsyl

profiled his brow-furrowing over the budget. He wasn't going to vote for it,

a bad idea.

But just before

and he was surround

the

House voted on

ed by reporters.

Fingerhut is co-

the House-Senate

chairman of the

conference

re

vania television anchor Marjorie Mar-

Freshman Demo

port in August,

golies-Mezvinsky managed to extract that prize of all plums from the Clin

cratic Task Force

Klink wavered

Reform —

again. Sud

ton administration: the promise of a real seminar hosted by the president in

the young

her home district. Clever MMM knows

on

Hamlets on the Hill

whipper-

that these yakfests are guaranteed to

snappers who spend legislative

lull her constituents into dreamland

time trying to

faster than a hit on the head with a

force members of

giant mallet, but she knows, too, that the last thing the good Pennsylvani-

Congress to pay

meeting to meet

Budget negotiations "came down to

ing, being petted by congressional

autographed pictures and their

leaders. "At one

district by Treasury secretary Lloyd Bentsen and economic adviser Laura

scratching protocol that has made this

the sight of their influential legislator sitting on a dais next to the president.

Just over the border in Ohio, Eric Fingerhut had his own wild-eyed angst attack. Despite personal visits to his

18 SPY OCTOBER 1993

point Foley called

for their own air- daughters' Swimming with Chelsea" looking for him, port parking and gym fees. He demanded a hearing by the House Rules Committee for a pet project—getting rid of office perks for former House speakers. He got his way, and his amendment was added to a bill. But then, ignoring the back-

ans in her district will remember is

denly he was seen running from

but

his

staff

couldn't find him," says a Hill watch er. "But he did take the president's and first lady's calls....Finally, the night before the vote, he said he'd vote for it, because Clinton had called

and said,'We really need you, Ron.'" Sad, if true.

—Ann Mitchell

W

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W.v MUNCHING 8.C0,mc, NEW YORK,N.Y

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a#

4: •■

oOf

'jl ."'iji'if.' l-'ji{i;-{

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V-;

\hk^J C'ty The Usual Suspects

wonk 'n' rollers love more than a

At a talk show taping, the blath

road trip, so when Clinton piled the

ering, tedious and drab MTV VJ Kennedy found herself on a panel

whole crew into Air Force One to

with horrible old Nixon crony

survey flood damage in St. Louis, they went wild. Faster than you

Roger Ailes. As the program pro

could say, "Cut it out, you crazy

gressed, the semitelegenic young Republican realized that she had found an ideological ally in the plump older gentleman, especially

kids!," they fired up the on-board VCR and slapped in A River Runs Through It—get it?—and then Damage (the unrated version). On the return flight,

when the discussion turned to Bill

the airborne-alone kids hit the liquor cabinet

and Hillary's relationship and Ailes ran-

dily suggested that Bill might be suffer ing from "DSB...Deadly Sperm Backup!"

(The funniness of the line was enhanced for insid

hard, blasted music, ran up and down the aisle, „,

fooled around with

Bolf

the presidential electric shaver

ers by Ailes's having used it in the greenroom to

and climbed on the

describe his own domestic situation.) At the com

furniture.

mercial break the

effusive Kennedy decided to impress upon the older gen Air Force One

tleman the fact that

in the Hamptons that special decade-that-wouldnot-die feeling. It was more than the setting,

she was not just another semi-plain face.

"Have you ever heard of P. J. O'Rourke?" she asked. Ailes grunted somethin noncommittal—suspecting, per haps, that he was being put on.

"You should read him, you re ally should—he's fabulous," added the helpful and intel

the former home of Truman Capote recently

purchased by new wave artist and socialite Ross Bleckner. It was more

than the eerie haze of blissful excess.

Mostly it was Vanity Fair correspon dent and former Interview editor Bob

Colacello. When the open bar closed and the party moved to a local gay club called The Swamp, Colacello kept the fun alive. Approaching two considerably younger men,

ligent VJ. 2

Despite every effort to downplay their Romper Room-esque high jinx, some

Colacello first tried to make

friends by means of simple grop-

members of the White House

junior staff refuse to surrender

Roger

their right to party. Now, there's nothing the sweet little

ing. When this tactic failed, the scribe leaned closer and

asked, "So, you got any coke?" J .

20 SPY OCTOBER 1993

It was more than just Calvin Klein boo gying with Bianca Jagger that gave a recent party

«:.7I

It'saBirllt'saPeanut!

The Hindenberg Uncertainty Principle Demonstrated

The Fine Print

by Louis Theroux

On July 4, the Pizza Hut Bigfoot Blimp deflated down the side of 410 West 53rd Street. The event was to be

Security

come the New York area's all-time most thoroughly covered lighter-than-air-vehicle mishap not involving Nazi tourists on fire. Ryan Craig and BrianJacobsmeyer

To those who thought

WHO? ♦ The pilot and copilot were un

♦ The possibility of sniper fire is re

hurt—WOR radio, New York

mote WPIX-TV, New York

for observation"—Nw York Post

WHERE? ♦ "An executive of the compa ny that made the blimp said the pilots

♦ "Both were admitted to local hospitals

Measures

the sole qualiflcotion for being o security guard was the ability to wear on ill-fitting uniform, a recent ly settled class-action lawsuit

called Soroka v. Target Stores

♦ The pilot has a broken back—KNBC-

tried to land in the Hudson River"—As

TV, Los Angeles

may come as a surprise. In

sociated Press

July, Target Stores, a discount

♦ The pilot is in critical condition—

♦ "[The pilot] ended up trying to make

chain (snacks, folding chairs,

WABC-TV, New York

an emergency landing in Central Park"

toilet brushes) based in Min

♦ "We had a report that the pilot bailed out and his chute did not open"—a New York City fireman, quoted in the Xinhau

♦ He told the New York Post that he near

General News Service

ding-WNYW-TV, New York

—CNN

ly crashed into the Empire State Buil

neapolis, ogreed to pay $1.3million to 2,500 security-

♦ A faulty rudder is to blame—WBAL-

of Liberty-WINS radio. New York

TV, Baltimore

WHY? ♦ It will take a week to find out

guard applicants who, as part of their selection process, were subjected to a privacyinvading psychological exam.

The test, Rodgers Condensed CPI-MMPl, consists of 704

what happened to the Bigfoot Blimp—

true-or-false statements and is

WHAT? ♦ "The helium bag at the rear rup tured"—an eyewitness, Associated Press

♦ "Reports that a piece may have come

off the craft...and made a gash in the gasbag were incorrect"—a National Transportation Safety Board expert, New York Times

♦ There were no mechanical problems with the blimp—NYl-TV, New York

♦ "There was also talk that the blimp was hit by a Fourth of July rocket"—

♦ The Pizza Hut Bigfoot Blimp pilot thought he was going to hit the Statue

WOR radio, New York ♦ It will be a few weeks before the offi

cial cause of the blimp accident will be known—WLS-TV,Chicago ♦ "The cause of the crash may not be dis covered for months"—a spokesman for the NTSB,Newark Star Ledger ♦ "The cause of the crash may not be known for a year, a spokesman [for the

New York Post

♦ "Police are calling the top of the roof a crime scene because of a possible report that gunshots were fired"—CNN

NTSB]said"—Nezfj York Newsday

based on the classic Minneso

ta Multiphasic Personal Inven tory, introduced in 1940 and

still in use for certain high-risk professions—low enforcement

and nuclear-power-plant work,for instance. Its usage for discount-store employees ("Now, very slowly take the Slim Jims out of your pocket and put them on the floor") Is

Source for broadc;ist information: Raclin TV Reports

not, as for as we know, wide

spread.

Herewith, a sampling

Separated at Birth?

of the true-or-false statements:

I liked "Alice in Wonder

land" by Lewis Carroll.

Clever, sarcastic

people make me feel

very uncomfortable.

I think I would like Duicet-toned

and hard-boiled ham

vegetarian k. d. lang...

Martin Sheen?

Comatose junketeer Warren Christopher...

and dead junkie Bela Lugosi?

the work of a dress de

signer.

Sometimes I feel like

OCTOBER 1993 SPY 21

THE FIHE PRINT CONTINUED

mess

smashing things.

Women should not be al

Some Post-Cold-War Company

Namesin the Former USSR

lowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think Lincoln was greater

than Woshington.

The cagey biznizmen of the erstwhile Evil Empire may be having a hard time moving on

A windstorm terrifies me.

capitalism, but their knack for clever and useful company names remains unimpaired. A

Maybe some minority

look at The Business Directory ofthe New Independent States, a new guide to Commonwealth

groups do get rough treat ment, but it's no business of

of Independent States enterprises seeking business abroad, reflects a spunky post-Com munist diversity. Some good old gulag-and-cardboard-suit-era descriptives remain, but

mine.

other names range from the vague to the sinister to the virtually mystical.—

I usually feel nervous and ill at ease at o formal dance or party.

Once a week or oftener I without apporent cause.

Kharkov Plant of

I am fascinated by fire.

School teachers complain a lot about their pay, but it

Self-Propelled , Tool Carriers ♦ k

seems to me that they get as much as they deserve.

1 like poetry.

Pumps Special

liar thoughts.

Methodical Expedition ♦ Code Cooperative

Research Institute of

Device Building ♦

by thoughts about sex.

1 have strange end pecu

Central Experimental

partment ♦ National

feel suddenly hot all over,

I wish I were not bothered

Rationalizers Cooperative ♦

TRADITIONAL General AntiGusher and Spout De

Enterprise of Broad Profile ♦ Com

petent State-Co operative Bureau ♦ Lush Coopera tive Enterprise ♦

Sucker-Rod Free 1

Nominal Plant ♦

Design Bureau ♦

Zooeks Small Enter

Trade Warehouse of Production & Trade

prise ♦ Elf Business ♦

Amalgamation of Can

Soyuzlegprompusknaladok

teens ♦ National Re

I like toll women.

Camps & Fur Farms Management

I hove the wanderlust and

Named After B. Zhitkov ♦ Baikalsk Branch of the Ecological Toxicology

am never happy unless I am roaming ortroveling about.

Only a fool would try to change our American way of life.

We ought to let Europe get out of its own mess; it made its bed, let it lie in it.

I often get feelings like crawling, burning, tingling, or

"going to sleep" in different parts of my body.

Police cars should be es

pecially marked so that you can always see them coming.

National

Starting and Adjustment

search Institute of Hunting

National Water Protection Research In stitute of the USSR [j/V] State Commit tee for Natural Protection ♦ Public

Everyday Repairs and Other Services Amalgamation ♦ Electrotjazhchimprojekt State Design & Development Insti tute for Complex Electrification of In dustrial Enterprises and Nonindustrial Projects

Works Trust ♦ Fond Self-Supporting Center

RISaUE Pussi Wood Slab Factory ♦

Slutskaya Art Factory ♦ Soft Hard, Small Innovation Enterprise ♦ BufF Leningrad Theatre ♦ Dik Small Enterprise ♦ Milk and Meat Industry Erection Trust

SINISTER Spectre Art and Decorative Works Cooperative ♦ Spectre Moscow

RIA ♦ Spectre RIA ♦ Spectre Youth Sci

entific and Technical Creative Work

Center ♦ Desintegrator [sic'] RIA

MYSTICAL/INCOMPREHENSIBLE As

CANDIDLY BLEAK Business-Club

sociation of Shaping ♦ Air Inventors and

Bankrupt J

el SPlaiittleAboulk

I almost never go to sleep.

I never seem to get

hungry.

I have had no diffi

culty starting or hold

Part I; Whitney Houston "I'm Every Woman"

"I Belong to You"

"I'm Your Baby Tonight"

"I Want to Dance With Somebody

"I'm Knockin'"

(Who Loves Me)"

ing my urine.

My mouth seems

"I Loves You, Porgy" T Will Always Love You"

22 SPY OCTOBER 1993

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all." J

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\hk^J C'h THE FIHE PRINT CONTINUED

dry almost oil the time.

Fighting Wordsin America's Favorite Game

I cm not afraid of picking

up a disease or germs from doorknobs.

If the pay was right 1 would like to travel with o circus or carnival.

I am very seldom troubled by constipotion.

1 sometimes tease animals.

If HBO televised a Scrabble match between Marilyn vos Savant and Marge Schott,

Vegas would probably take most of its action on Vos Savant. But those familiar with The Official Scrabble Players Diaiomry know that in Scrabble the race is not to the swift of IQ but instead to the player who has memorized words like yaff^forb and crampit.

Besides rewarding pedantry, The Offical Scrabble Players Dictionary ("the Ultimate Argument-Settler for SCRABBLE") also assigns big points for some rather unsavory

examples of lexical xenophobia. Therein lies Schotts edge.

Evil spirits possess me at times.

My soul sometimes leaves

—J- P- Olson :^1NIMUM

APPROVED WO.RD

POINTS

^PROVED

POINTS

MICK

DAGfl

my body.

KIKE

A minister con cure dis -..AlEW (verb)

ease by praying and putting his hand on your head.

I see things or animals or

DARKIES^",'<50

NIGGER

fo^R^BBLE)

REDSKIN

(E0-pt5 for.SCRABB.L^.^^<62-

mm

WHITJES

(50 pts fpr

SPIK

HONKIES

OFAAl

JIGA6

people around me that oth ers do not see.

I am very strongly attracted by members of my own sex.

1 used to like drop-thehand kerchief.

Someone has it in for me.

I hove never vomited

blood or coughed up blood.

I hove never indulged in any unusual sex practices.

I resent having anyone

take me in so cleverly that 1

See Me.Feel Me.That'll Be50Bucks

When Frank Rich was ail over The Who's Tommy like a gypsy acid queen on an autis

tic kid, the inevitable result was a smash hit. What's good for Broadway is good for premise-hungry satirical monthlies.

Kevin Zimmerman

have had to admit that it was

Brighton Beach Boy Memoirs A promising Jewish surfer genius becomes a 400-pound,

one on me.

sandbox-hogging blob. First-act closer, "Fun, Fun, Gloom," boosts intermission al

[ commonly hear voices without knowing where they come from.

I believe my sins are un

pardonable.

My neck spots with red often.

If I were an artist I would like to draw flowers.

Someone has control over

my mind.

I enjoy children.

Sometimes my voice leaves me or changes even though I have no cold.

Peculiar odors come to me at times.

At times I think I am no

good at all. $

24 SPY OCTOBER 1993

cohol sales by 67 percent.

Glengarry Glen Campbell Joe Mantegna sings "By the Time I Get to Phoenix (I Want Your Smelly Fuckin' Carcass Outta Here)."

A Few Good Kingsmen Hot-shot Navy attorney will stop

at nothing to uncover the lyrics to "Louie Louie."

Ike n' Tina's Wedding Audience members are encouraged to slap the bride.

All My Sonnys Arthur Miller shatters Sonny Bono's illu

sions, which takes some doing.

A Hard Day's Journey Into Night One set. Four moptops.

Five and a half hours.

The Boxy Music Man Trouble with a capital T, which rhymes with G, which stands for Glam.

In-A-Gadda Evita Despite its show-stopping "Doncha Know That I Love You, Argentina," many patrons com plain about fact that entire final act is a drum solo.

Andrew Lloyd Webber's Jesus Christ Superstar Same music,

new autobiographical lyrics. Jl

m

KENT

KEMt Iti

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking

Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

WNG?.

Ilie Pursuit of Ozzieness The Ongoing Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet In his latest value-sized book. The Fifties, fact amasser David Halberstam de

votes 12 pages, or 1.6 percent of the volume, to Ozzie and Harriet. He concludes, rather neatly, that Ozzie and Harriet were not Ozzie and Harriet. Under nor mal circumstances, Halberstam's use of a cliche would signal the end of its liter

ary life, but there's something about Ozzie and Harriet that ensures its continued hold on F keys in word processors across the country.

Perhaps it's the phrase's versatility. Or maybe it's just that Ozzie is a funny name.

—Carol Vinzant Ozzie and Harriet as a Domestic Ideal "Indeed, [cyclist

Lance Armstrong's] upbringing was far less Ozzie and Harriet than This Boy's Life."—Sports Illustrated, 5/24/93 ♦ "People think, 'Maybe if I wear them [boxer shorts], everything will be all right,' the Ozzie and Harriet thing."—Faith Popcorn, York Times, 5/10/92 ...As Anathema "I don't believe in hiding my marriage in the closet like Ozzie and Harriet."—Vera Rubenstein,

middle-aged teacher in West Hills, California, t^ew York Times, 8/20/92 ♦ "Having a family didn't necessari

ly mean entrapment in Ozzie and Harriet hell."—Newsday (on the early promise of Woody and Mia's relation

ship), 8/19/92 ♦ "I and Lisa are not Ozzie and Har riet."—Curtis Sliwa, New York Times, 11/12/92

...As a Land Mass "While

the vice president [Quayle]

was busy trashing the morals of a fictional newswoman and extolling the virtues of the two-parent household, New Yorkers had left Ozzie-and-Harriet Land years

ago."—Newsday, 5/22/92 ♦ "...The one who would end up locked in Ozzie and Harriet land, unable to move past the canvas of a Corning Ware dish...the function of that form forgot in the land of Ozzie and Har riet."—food critic Molly O'Neill, New York Times,

...As Handy Alternative to Camelot Metaphor "I'm telling

11/29/92 ♦ "The Lewises lived at the corner of Ozzie

you, just before your eyes, Bill Clinton and Hillary be

& Harriet Land and Huxtable Street."—Newsweek (on

came Ozzie and Harriet overnight."—Regis Philbin, New York Times, 7/24/92 ♦ "They view him [Clinton] and his family as role models (the new 'Ozzie and Harri et') and want to emulate their Washington Times,

4/26/93 ♦ "Bill and Hillary Clinton would not be mis taken for Ozzie and Harriet."—Plain Dealer, 5/23/93

Carl Lewis's family), 7/27/92 ♦ "T find the whole thing hard to believe,' said Jackie Denalli [after finding a pipe bomb attached to her van]. 'This is the Ozzie and Harriet land of the '90s.'"—Orlando Sentinel Tribune, 1/10/93

As a Synonym for Caucasian "Long Island is your typical

...As Meaningless Referent "They made it [the 17th hole] too hard, placing the pin so mercilessly out of reach that they ended up with Ozzie and Harriet instead of La Traviata."—Dallas Morning News (about the Byron Nel son Classic golf tournament), 5/17/93

bedroom community. People moved out of the city and wanted to live in the suburbs and own their own homes

like Ozzie and Harriet."—Newsday, 415195 * "These re sentments may be expected to grow as many California migrants find out that the Ozzie-and-Harriet era has

faded even in the supposedly pristine West ern communities."—Ltfj Angeles Times, 3/7/93 ♦ "It's not quite 'Ozzie-and-Harriet-land,' Chapter6

but house after house in Gwinnett's sprawl ing subdivisions are filled with that Ameri can standard: two-parent families."—Atlanta Journal and Constitution, 9/6/92 ♦ "The word 'suburb,' in the '50s Ozzie and Harriet

r Jaye Davidson

sense, has less and less meaning."—Washing

f

ton Post, 8/2/92 ♦ "The Ozzie and Harriet LaniGuinler

family was a rarity here."—Lw Angeles Times, 5/2/93, on post-riot South-Central J

—Mark O'Donnell

£

van-"Tff^~

la

te mmi!iiifi/i/,

wm

i

'H'iiH'an' m,

Chief Enecutive OfTuer Amerio Weii Airline

4000 E. Sky Harbor Blvd. in->m

Phoenix. Aiizoei 85034 Dear Sir:

Juil a noic 10 uy how very suaofe

found ihe enack you lerxed

■©America VCfcst Airlines

on my receai flighl from Tucron.

Your 'assembled in Mexico' Snack Sack included:

/

I. A raisin basei 2. a small apple 3. Imporied! Scoiiisb Shonbread.

4. "pizta flavored* pasta chips. 5. "pineapple flavored" cieamcheese.

What an Inieresllng. odd combo, everyone around me agreed.

[I came to our minds that you must gel this food (except Ihe applcl for free. It's kind of like the stuff you get from the Oiambet of

Commerce when you move into a new house, on a much smaller scale. And then it entered my mind that perhaps thi« was some kind

i

of a test and that I most be sitting in the Guinea Pig Seciton of the

Mr. Laalo Toib

plane and thai I might gel some bonus miles if I could eat ll all then

PX>. Bos 245

fill out a i)uesilonnaire.

Sii!, We are right in the bcllseye of summer here in America, ihe greatest country in Ihe world', and your airline, an airline named after America!, is giving out snack sacks, asembled in a foreign land,

IleSPI Igzloltltets INSTALLMENT

VI

Bom in the USA

Fairte CA MPSO

■fliank you for your recent enjoyable letter lo Mr. Conway which has been senl loogr ofTieei

full of foreign style food and imporied pioduels! 1 bei Ihe apple

foe reply (U his behalf.

probably was fiom Mexico, loo! Juti like the assembled bag! Vou

I am glad ytni found our "Snaet Sack' imeresling enough to warrant commenL The

could be uking advantage of American teenagers instead of having foreigners assemble those bagsl I'm in favor tvf a new (MaximumMinimum) wage, one dollar and forty cenix below minimum wage, for anyone wiihoui a high school diploma. This way the young have an insentive lo slay in tchotd and Anverican industry has an excuse to hire young drop-out Americans Instead of shipping paper lo Mexico to hive drop out foreigners fold it inic paper bags for us' We can fold in America! Let us make and fold paper bags here!

At hortsel

By the pre-homelcss! Slop the economic undcnoet

I know it might be a little top heavy in Ihe remnants depanmeni. but how about serving an *Artseriean' snack sack with; 1, a sbort rib. 2. com-on-lhe-cob, 3. a small piece of waierniellon.

ecoDontsc tealities of air Imnspon have made ii necessary to weigh every facUK of our

busitien. We iry 10 vary our snacks on i miaiional basis with the Ihnughi of including lomeihing foe everyone. A greai deu! of survey and sampling goes into these deeisioiu; and

while it is itsost assuredly an iti^rccise science, we do nunage to please roosr of our cusiomen with the choices we make.

Acopyofyour leiler has been sect to our manager of eaieting services since euslomet Inpit is very linponani in leiting iss refuse and irapeove our amenities. Again. I warn to ihtiik you for tiMng Ihe lime lo lei us know of your perceptions.

We appreciaie your business aad hope your neat fUghi on Ameria Weal wfll prtrve stiisfaeiory In every ileiall.

An American Combo! Made in America! Assembled by AmencansI For Anserica West Airline!

R. Daniel Schmid

This month, Mr. Toth (aka

An American' Bocn, Bred, and Assmbled in Ihe U.S.A.!,

Don Novello) defends

Supervisot Qisiomet Relaiiom Dept ee:

Michael Conway Sun Got

America from snack arrack.

It's a Wonderful Town!

I

i

People watcfiing man throw baby, December 1992.

Photograph by Andrew SavuMch

tm

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17

The Winner's (sewing) Circle. Cfockwige frgrn top left; Nicholas Graham of Joe Boxer, Calvin Klein. Giorgio Armani, Nicole Miller.

Valentino, Ralph Lauren, Donna Karan. Actual designers are larger than depicted. Some shrinkage is natural with this material.

T1

T1

nil lllJjll 111

111

pr j

FfT was either Emerson or Tho-

Nowhere has democracy been

IX reauâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;we can't tell them apart,

more vibrantly brought to life than

You, the people, chose JFK Jr.

eitherâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;who wrote, "Beware of all

in the massive voter turnout in the

as your Best-Dressed Politician.

enterprises that require new

free and open balloting for The

(Of course, anyone looks good

clothes." But does that mean that

1993 SPY Men's Fashion Awards.

standing next to Daryl Hannah,

you could see his undershirt under.

America's Philosophical Forefa

You, the people, have spoken.

thers thought fashion was fas

Spoken against the Blackshirt and

ley sundress, hockey socks and a

cism? Far from it. They saw democ

for the Ralph Lauren shirt. Spoken

sneaker laced to her head as a

racy as infinitely various, where

against the jackboot and for Ken

hat.) You chose John, and the will

each man chose his own path,

neth Cole. Spoken for the Gap and

of the majority is law.

made his own way and selected

against those polyester dress shirts

his own accessories.

that Marcos used to wear, that

Ralph Lauren

who's customarily wearing a pais

All hail the winners of The 1993 SPY Men's Fashion Awards!

Calvin Klein

Kenneth Cole

Gap

Nicole Miller

Gap

Champion

Donna Karan

II nnrt Valentino

Swatch

ICII

Eric Clapton

Columbia Sportswear

ISE! Ray-Ban

Levi's

-

Jeremy Irons

Nike

Armani

Joe Boxer

Armani

JFK Jr.

A TRIP TO HOLLYWOOD! CASH!

AN APPEARANCE ON NATIONAL TV!

T-SHIRTS!

WoPurcha

®

eARQSINC. PO BOX 2407

NEWORLEANS.LA 70176

GRAND PRIZE:

NATIONAL TV APPEARANCE AND $1,0001 10 RRST PRIZES:

$500; A NATIONAL TV APPEARANCE AND T-SHIRTS!

not a sweepstakes-it is a contest where the best costume wins

50SECOND PRIZES: SIOOANDHATSl

Wnioomp!(Ibi Est)**\

Latin isn't required at many American uni

versities anymore, so most students don't know

the foreign phrase that so

Hatc

felicitously describes col lege life in the early 1990s: in loco parentis.

True, most students also don't know

who wrote

the Declaration of Inde

pendence (Thomas Jeffer son, the

guy

on

nickel) or how

the

many

Supreme Court justices there are (nine), but in

loco jjarentis Is worth

looking up (in a dictio nary). Because, as any 18year-old who goes off to college these days expect

ing to learn

\

what it

means to be an adultâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;or what it's like to vomit un

controllablyâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;will discov er, dis aliter visum.

OCTOBER i 993 SPY

Graviom quaedinn sxint rernedia jjeHciiUs

signed to thwart them. Occidental College recently banned drink-a-room parties (a different mixed drink in each room); Middlebury College al

A SPY Survey

of What College Students Can't Do for Fun Anymore

For those who went to col

lege in the 1960s, 70s and early

vomit, even the least little bit.

As today's college student might

'80s, freshman year was a glori

say, "Abusus non tollit usum—not."

ous crash course in self-discov

Well-documented 21-year-olds can still drink on many campuses, assum

time during Orientation Week, a powerful epiphany would strike them that would serve them well

But what about the junior or se

nior, 21 or older, who wishes to exer

BY DANIEL RADOSH

ery. Almost invariably, some

lows drinking-age students to imbibe at its chaperoned parties, but only single servings—no punch bowls or kegs. And these are the party schools.

The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill has completely banned alcohol at campus social gatherings.

cise her right under the Twenty-first Amendment to enjoy a quiet glass of wine or snifter of brandy in private?

It depends. Ac the University of Iowa, she can drink in her room only if her roommate is also 21, whether she is

there or not. Until recently the Uni

ing they can make it past the phalanx

versity of Illinois permitted drinking

of official party monitors and IDchecking campus-security patrols de-

in one's room if the door was kept

closed; apparently concerned about impressionable younger students smelling an open beer through a

throughout adult life: This is more alco hol than I can handle.

Today's freshmen, however, will never

closed door, how

learn their own titra-

ever, U of I has

tion levels, nor the

now banned all

dangers of mixing

dorm drinking.

such volatile reagents

At Notre Dame,

as warm beer and

students

lime Jell-O shots— not if the parentis in loco can help it.

drink

may

with

the

doors closed but

In the last fi ve

might as well not bother—they're

years, schools across the country have re

intoxicated. At

not allowed to be

the University of Chicago, students

turned to the more

traditional perspec tive that undergrads are not young adults but rather very large,

are forbidden to manufacture alco

hol, leaving new

unruly children with

alumni deficient

their own power of

in Generation X—

attorney. Students, holders have decided,

required homebrewing expertise.

Sic transit gloria

need to be protect

mundi.

these parental place

ed—from themselves

Fraternities,

and one another,

once a

from anything that

from anxiety-pro ducing sobriety,

might scare them,

offend them, confuse them or make them 34 SPY OCTOBER 1993

©

respite

are also getting

with the program.

After a decade-long rash of horror sto ries about alcohol poisoning, gang rape and other party mishaps, the Na tional Interfraternity Conference has

put its foot down, passing a slew of bylaws that challenge the finest loop hole-finding minds of its members.

When the Ohio State Interfraternity Council banned kegs, for example, some frats simply had tanker trucks of beer parked outside the house.

Free-speech restrictions on campus are not limited to vicious racial epi thets such as water buffalo but also in clude phrases like Free buffalo wings with every pitcher. Cal Tech prohibits not beer but the word beer on posters;

hour period was to be spent in an al cohol-induced fugue state. The school

no doubt thought that by allowing drinking on Thursday night, it was giving students a chance to ease into the weekend. Instead, as one assistant

SELECTIONS FROM

dean put it, the new policy "appeared to have a negative effect on Friday classes." Indeed, cui peccare licet, peccat minus. A new Duke policy went into effect last spring limiting recreational

CRIME BLOTTER

toxicosis to a regulation lost weekend.

Though students still report rooms

crowded with bongs and group acid

to reconcile their differences. Drexler

shot Clements—and a neighbor who

tried to come to her aid. Minutes later, he shot himself in the head a few blocks

pansion. Students blow smoke into

wet towels to avoid detection by

students to join them for a few "bees."

the Schutzstaffel, are better known by their initials. At at least one college, inexperienced RAs are training them selves to recognize the smell of pot with the aid of—seriously—ganja-

creed that the distribution of alcohol

Andreas Drexler drove cross-country to see his ex-girlfriend, lU student Susan Clements. Apparently his visit did little

from Clements's dorm, Eigenmann Hall.

University of Nebraska at Lincoln: In early October '92, graduate student

prowling resident advisers, who, like

on campus would be allowed only

Indiana University: In April 1992,

vigilant in crushing such mind ex

Friday-afternoon gatherings invite

fail. In 1991, Duke University de

THE CAMPUS

trips on Halloween, most schools are

certain geology professors who host

Sometimes the best in loco efforts

Varia Lectio

from 5:00 p.m. on Thursday to 5:00 a.m. on Sunday. Duke's 20-plus frats

scented smelling salts.

Some schools go even farther.

interpreted this to mean that the 60-

UCLA, for one, is considering ban-

Parva leves capiunt tnenles

Arthur McElroy entered his actuarialscience classroom with a semiautomatic

weapon, apparently intending to wreak

havoc. His gun jammed and didn't go off, and no one was hurt. His trial is set for late October. He has sued the

university for violating his civil rights by seizing evidence from his room. That suit is on hold until the criminal trial is over.

Florida State University at Tallahassee: In February '93, two Tallahassee police officers forcibly

separated an FSU first-year student, Sean McDonald, and a local woman, Kristen Tice, 20, who were engaged in

Children learn social skills like cooperation and com munication by playing sil ly games. So do college students. Until recently, incoming students at the Uni versity of Illinois had to attend programs at the school

gym (the first bad sign), where, instead of being offered cocktai ls and a name tag, they had to have scooter races. Cornell University's orientation week includes a

square dance, a murder-mystery game, a scavenger hunt and, yes, a giant game of Twister. At the Universi ty of Texas at Austin's "Camp Texas," freshmen go to a ranch and participate in scavenger hunts and learn cheers. Wake Forest has a pre-orientation pro

intercourse on a crowded dance floor.

"They were not intoxicated," said a bartender at Club Park Avenue. "I

think they were just overly horny."

McDonald was slapped with six months' probation and 70 hours in the sheriff's work program. Tice got the same

probation, 150 hours of community service and "continued psychological council."

UC Berkeley: In the spring of'93,

gram that is actually a summer camp organized by Campus Ministry. Who needs Foucault when you've got archery third period? Some schools, like the

Martin Baker, a 26-year-old homeless man, disrupted a sociology class taking its final exam and, when exhorted to

University of Iowa, encourage students to bring their parents along for the dopey events and games, just like when they were dropped off at nursery school

leave, removed his clothes and urinated

for the first time.

psychiatric facility. He told The Daily

Higher-educational fun can be acquired, conveniently prepackaged, from a

in the room. Baker was detained in a

Californian he'd wanted to distinguish

New York-based organization called Playfair. For $1,750 a pop, Playfair hosts

himself from the world of clothed men:

orientation programs at more than 260 institutions a year, from UCLA to Juilliard. Its creator. Matt Weinstein, feels strongly about the group's role: "An adult is supposed to be serious, which means not playful. What we're beginning

"I wanted to be a metaphor of man just

to find out is that in fact [being an adult] has dreadful repercussions." There

the incident had disrupted their concentration. They were given extra

fore, Playfair uses physically embarrassing games to reduce students to infan tile behavior. They must sit on each other, flail their arms wildly, run around aimlessly and, of course, play a version of duck-duck-goose. Tom Cunningham

as I am, and as a naturally functioning body." Many students complained that

time.

OCTOBER 1993 SPY 35

ning smoking—tobacco—everywhere on campus. And at the University of Illinois, students can now choose to

live in "substance-free areas," a truly

ment wants' its kids to get along, by force if necessary. However, the be havior that colleges want to regulate usually has little to do with politics and is rarely correct, and then only by

issue, particularly with people who've read the Constitution, and so schools

are shifting their efforts to insensitivi-

ty prevention. Almost every school

With so many aspects of students*

accident. For example, while many

offers—requires—sensitivity training, usually involving skits, videos, role-

lives to control, schools are relying

campuses would cry homophobia if a

playing or something else designed to

more and more on a system tradition

student demanded that a professor re

hold restless youngsters' attention.

ally employed by parents and military regimes: curfews. Some students don't seem to mind. At the University of

move a safe-sex poster showing two

Students at various schools told SPY

naked gay men from his office because

some of what they learned at orienta

existential living arrangement.

South Carolina, students can choose

to live in 2:00 a.m. "lights out" dorms. Strictly monitored "visitation rights" are common. "They give you till midnight, which is pretty reason

she found it oflFensive, certain institu

tion: how black and white roommates

tions—say, the University of Texas at Austin—would rally in support of the student's right to protect herself from

can become best friends; what to do if a neck massage gets too intimate; not to make fun of gays, because your

that kind of sexual harassment. The

friend could be one, or you could and not know it yet. Often there's a lock

able," an untroubled senior at Miami

guiding principle seems to be, simply, cave quid diets, quando et mi.

University of Ohio says. "And on

Of course, even the nicest niceness

weekends it's until two."

What a student does before curfew

is, of course, his business, as long as it doesn't contravene his school's in

creasingly complicated fraternization regulations. Most schools strongly discourage student-faculty dating, and many outright ban it. Others are struggling to preserve the classic mentor relationship. At Oberlin Col lege, laments from single professors about unfair limits on their social lives in the small town led to the im

plementation of rules against dating in "direct evaluative situations." At

the University of Chicago, students who get involved with their profes sors are encouraged to let the school help them switch to a different class.

code is only as nice as the people en

forcing it. Administrators at Oberlin removed graffiti that used words like QUEER and DYKE, saying they violated the college's policy against homopho bia. The graffiti, however, was actual ly homophilic (e.g., QUEER pride and

er-room scene: A white student tells a

black teammate his hair looks funny when it's wet; an Asian student over

hears his buddies joking that Asian men have small penises.

Heroic efforts are made to root out

hidden biases. At UC Berkeley, stu

DYKE power), which led the gay orga

dents play a special version of a com mon getting-to-know-you game: "Everyone put labels on their forehead

nization behind it to wonder if the ad

that they couldn't see—ASIAN PERSON,

ministration's objections had some

BLACK PERSON, TRANSFER STUDENT,

thing to do with the hundreds of prospective students and parents visit ing that weekend. Increased outside

CHEERLEADER. Then you had to walk around and react to people, and every one had to guess what their label

attention to issues of free speech on campuses has somewhat dampened the parental spirit of administrators

said." It is not known whether this

game has totally eliminated prejudice against cheerleaders at Berkeley.

in certain situations. At Vanderbilt

Sex is discussed, but, of course, it's

University, a photography professor went unpunished despite the fact that

making responsibilities more serious ly. Duke has just banned dating be

he showed her class photographs by Robert Mapplethorpe, nude photos of

tween students and their RAs, who are, of course, also students. An ad ministrator says the new rule is in

photo of a man masturbating while

never just sex. Several schools have a date-rape or safe-sex seminar with the catchy title "Sex at 7." Recently, how ever, an Oberlin freshman's parents complained that the program's name might encourage casual hooking up.

The college changed it to "Sex...?" At

covered in dirt and worms; other stu

Yale, on the other hand, it is offensive

dents defended him, and he was

to be offended by casual hooking up.

Some schools take their antimatch-

tended to stem "perceptions of im propriety" in a frosh's dating an upperclassman with keys to the VCR cabinet and the power to dispense as pirin. And budding Lady Chatterleys should know that at the University of Tennessee they are discouraged from

a student felt sexually harassed when

himself and his wife, and a student

merely told by the school to be more

Along with lectures on racism and

careful in the fliture. Similarly, when complained about viewing a homo-

homophobia, Yale's sensitivity train ing includes a talk by a female stu dent who says she has lots of sex with

erotic film in a film class, the admin

lots of different men and is oppressed by labels like slut.

But perhaps the most grueling sensitivity program is Duke's. Fresh men are required—as in attendance is

dren being mean to one another and

istration told the beleaguered professor that in the future he should follow the school guidelines and warn students that a particular film is something they may not want to see.

calling one another pottyheads,

The punishing of sensitivity

having affairs with groundskeepers and other maintenance workers.

Just as parents frown on their chil

today's higher-education establish 36 SPY OCTOBER 1993

some University of Iowa students

crimes has itself become a sensitive

taken—to sit through a lecture on di versity by Maya Angelou. At times like this, memento mori.||

GREEK TRAGEDIES ATfi, Indiana University Brother Dennis Jay was hospitalized with a .48 blood-

alcohol level after drinking malt liquor,

50-yard-iine of Kyle Field Duke Gardens

Womb chairs in Mudd Library

Scholar studies in Mudd Library Piers on Lake Mendota On the Abe Lincoln statue on Bascom Hill

The pillow room in Esther Raushembush Library Under the button statue The steam tunnels

wine and whiskey from a "beer bong."

AOK, Merrimack College Three

members were rendered unconscious, one with a blood-alcohol level of .30, during a pledge party.

4>rA, UC Berkeley Pledge John Moncello fell from a fire escape, intoxicated, and died.

AOA, Drexel University Rosario Pagnotti died after falling intoxicated from the frat roof.

Z4>, University of Vermont Jonathan McNamara fell to his death about 50

feet from the rock ledges near Burlington

while he and others were cleaning up The Pentacrest

Library basement, near the bound periodicals The pub Creed Memorial Rose Garden

The Cecil H. Green Library, West Stacks

after a party. He had been drinking.

IX and AAA, Ohio State University Sigma Joseph Prest fell asleep on the Deltas' roof with his girlfriend. She awoke in the middle of the night and went inside the sorority house. He later fell to his death.

Under The Gates of Hell in the Rodin

Sculpture Garden

Z}ÂĽ and ZOE, University of Washington Zeta Chris Putnam was seized by

The Mausoleum where Jane and Leiand

Stanford and Leiand Stanford Jr. are buried Lot A Behind the A. Bartlett Giamatti Memorial Bench

Sigmas, thrown out the window of his

house, dragged back inside and thrown out a second window. The Sigmas believed that the Zetas had lit M-80

firecrackers the previous night.

OBI, Clark Atlanta University Pledge The Robert Frost Memorial Trail

Roderick Green suffered severe kidney

The golf course, third hole

damage after a brutal paddling by frat

St. Mary's Lake

members.

OYO, Clark Atlanta Pledge James Bush

Porta Potti outside Notre Dame Stadium

suffered kidney damage when he was

The soccer field

brutally paddled. lAEand ATfi, USC Sigma Michael

The Crossett Library

The benchtops of the medical-school laboratories

The courtyard at Dunster House

Scott Crowell was seriously beaten by a

group of Alphas after he fai led to heed their warning not to walk in front of their house with his girlfriend.

AY, Rutgers University The fraternity The women's bathroom of the Science Library

was banned in 1991 for, among other

Greek amphitheater

offenses, branding pledges' buttocks.

AKE, Louisiana Tech University Previously under suspension for allegedly decorating its Christmas tree

Squash courts Dorm study rooms Darden School study room, on the

with dead cats. Delta Kappa was

conference table

suspended again for branding new

Triangle Parking Garage Van Pelt Library stacks Fine Arts Library stacks

members on the arms.

OKI, U Va. The frat was censured by the university after members hired two women to strip and perform oral sex during rush week.

Mac Weekly darkroom

OKY, Rider College The frat made

Behind the Oxford Chapel OCTOBER 1993 SPY 37

Est Qxiaeclam jlere vohiplas

The 1955 Rebel begins and ends with an angst-ridden James Dean witness ing the deaths of other teenagers. In the remake, Keanu is sent to a shrink before he runs away from home, is put

on 40 mg of Prozac a day and goes happily off to college.

Prozac can make a hormone-addled

young adult less sensitive, more confident, less homesick and able to have a good time at parties. It seems

to be especially effective for the mild depression known as subclinical—a depression that doesn't prevent get

ting up in the morning but makes life

Tlie Hot New Drug on

Campus Is Available at the Student Health Center

SOMOOFTHESYMPTOMS FOR ADOthe DSM-UIR—the American

Psychiatric Association's diag

frequent. School difficulties are likely. There may be inattention to personal appearance and increased emotionality.

nostic manu

tated: Side effects are relatively came almost impossible to overdose with it.

The only person known to have died from Prozac alone, in fact, swallowed

7,000 milligrams—350 capsules—a record likely to stand for a while, since 350 capsules cost about $700.

al—read like a

pitch for a Keanu re

Not surprising ly, Prozac (with its

make of Rebel With out a Cause:

less celebrated rel

atives, Zoloff and Paxil) has become

Negativistic or frankly antiso cial

study for her French exam. It's also the first antidepressant safe enough to be prescribed to the less-than-debili(e.g., loss of appetite, fatigue), and it's

BY LARISSA MacFARQUHAR

lescenc depression described in

just existential enough to make a stu dent wonder why she's bothering to

behavior

and use of alco

HE ALT H

the meat and pota toes of psychiatric treatment on cam

drugs....Feelings

pus. No one knows how many stu

of wanting to

dents are now on

leave home or of

Prozac. Manufac

hol

or

illicit

not being un

turer Eli Lilly

derstood and ap

doesn't monitor

proved of, rest lessness, grouchiness and ag

the National Insti tute

gression

Health

are

common. Sulki-

chat population; of Mental doesn't

track pharmaceuti

ness, a reluc

cal use; and an un

tance to cooper

scientific survey of college psychia trists suggests they

ate in family ventures, and withdrawal from

school activities, with retreat to

one's room, are 38 SPY OCTOBER 1993

don't tend to talk to

one

another

about how much

they

prescribe.

Anecdotal evidence, however, indi cates a growing popularity—"Every one our age is on it," says a Parsons

School of Design student—only par tially accounted for by an increased incidence of clinical depression and willingness to seek treatment in the

15—24 age group. College shrinks are

Scientologist-generated doubts about

its safety have been mostly dispelled, some psychiatrists are worrying that Prozac, or some even safer future

drug, will usher in an era of what

Kramer calls cosmetic psychopharmacology. Some, in homage to James

If it's so safe, why not prescribe it to

(and Holden, and Sylvia), feel that a little teen angst is not only normal but possibly good for you, "A certain

someone who isn't really depressed, not clinically, just kind of bummed

cence] is reasonable," Kramer ex

out? Dr. Robert Aranow of McLean's

plained to SPY. "If there is some

Hospital, who has treated a number

productive struggle going on, I may

of Boston-area students but pre

not suggest [Prozac], or if the student suggests it, I'll say, 'Well, let's go on a bit longer with therapy.""

grappling with the Prozac Question;

scribes Prozac cautiously, says, "I was troubled by the fact chat I was tempt

amount of struggle [during adoles

ed to put anybody even mildly glum

But does the unrebellious nineties

on it. You know, why not?"

Having gone through two media spin cycles already—Miracle Drug and Evil Death Drug—Prozac is now the Miracle Drug With Evil Potential.

Listening to Prozac, by Peter Kramer, is currently a must-read for those

student give a damn about productive

pledges talk in caricatured black speech in an event dubbed Nigger Night.

ZAE, Texas A&M At a "jungle" party at which pledges wore blackface and grass skirts, brothers costumed in

military garb hunted the pledges, who defended themselves with spears. <t>BZ, Southern University Pledge Derone Walker was blinded by a blow to

the head with a frying pan. ^FY and SA, Cornell Police believe that Sigma Terrence Quinn climbed into the

chimney in the PU house as a joke while

drunk. His body was found three days after he disappeared when PU members opened the flue to start a fire and Quinn's jeans and sneakers fell out.

TENURE BENDERS

struggle? What if he's not especially

The first sign of trouble with Southern

interested in character depth born of despair, and wants only to become a

John Staniunas came when he cast

Illinois University theater professor

shallow but functional suit with a

himself in the coveted role of Romeo in

weekend house in the country? Does

a school production. His performance

he need a doctor to tell him he'd be

concerned with Prozac's Brave New

better off dealing with his feelings,

World-ish implications. Now that

when LSATs are coming up? ^

Pats sanilatis velle sanaii fiiif]

earned him a lot of resentment and—

especially his skipping during a fight scene—a lot of laughs. Nonetheless, Staniunas continued to try to hang out with the kids. At a costume party he showed up dressed in pantaloons, pirate

shirt and wide hat, only to sit in the corner and smoke; when a student asked what he was supposed to be, he gave him the finger. But Staniunas's most

memorable performance came at the year-end Theatre Guild Picnic, where he

Just about every student health center has a reputation

got drunk and collapsed on the grass.

Students wrapped him in toilet paper,

for giving students shoddy treatment, with doctors ranging from inexperienced to inept to scarce. At the Uni

says one participant, "dancing around

versity of Missouri at Columbia, they've solved that prob

semiconscious Staniunas then eyed the

lem.

While there is usually a long wait to see a doctor, stu

dents with mundane symptoms seldom find a line at the "Cold Care Center," because there's no doctor to wait to see. In the self-examination room, they find a thermome

him like he was a Maypole." The picnic's roast pig, pointed to his own anus and bellowed, "Give me some

pork." He then chugged a two-liter bottle of soda and started "throwing up,

projectile vomiting." Staniunas is now

ter, a questionnaire about their symptoms and a flashlight Mi and mirror to look at their throats. To make sure students know what to look for, on the wall of the room there are pictures of "two throats: one good and one bad," according to health-center manager Ann

an assistant professor at the University

Nadler. The bad throat has a nonspecific illness with white pustules.

Zimbardo of Stanford, the old adage that those who can't, teach, is particularly

The questionnaire is supposed to red-flag students who deserve to see an ac

of Wisconsin at Madison, where he will no doubt fit in better.

For psychology professor Philip

tual nurse. Other students take their questionnaire to the school pharmacist,

apt. This is because Zimbardo teaches

who gives out a symptom-specific grab bag of over-the-counter cold remedies.

"They're really big on Advil," said one student who was told the self-examina

hypnosis and, in testing its powers, likes to explore the area of human pain. One

tion room was her only alternative to waiting two weeks for an appointment.

student described how Zimbardo tried to

Nadler said the program was imported from the University of California at Davis. A spokesman there said, "It didn't go over very well," and Davis ended the program in the early 1970s.

—Carol Vinzant

make a group think their hands were numb and heavy and then stabbed their hands with pins; "It really hurt. He kept OCTOBER 199.^ SPY 39

Vir suvit(ful iDciuca lOQuitiir

helped back off the stage.

A less-well-known Carouser is not-

yet-indicted-at-press-time Rep. Dan Rostenkowski, who appeared at Johns

Leers and Frothing on the

College Lecture Circuit

ONCE UPON A TIME, WIT Y AND

BY LOUIS THEROUX

Hopkins on a Democratic Caucus re treat and ended up at a 1950s-themed sock hop. Rostenkowski, perhaps un able to recall the steps to the jitterbug or the shag, draped a tablecloth over his head and, with two fingers cocked like horns, charged like a bull down the dance hall.

SNL writer and Coneheads scribe

Tom Davis took a leaf out of Thomp son's book when he and A1 Franken

performed a skit about drunk driving

roamed the nation's campuses,

helped him onstage still in his wet

at the University of New Hampshire.

Davis insisted that his prop bottle be filled with real whiskey, thereby en

dispensing their years of accu

clothes. Sadly, their efforts were to lit

suring that at least he, if nobody else,

mulated wisdom for the sheer

tle avail; Thompson yelled vitupera

would find his performance amusing.

well-behaved famous people

love of it. Nowadays, the bigdraw speaker is as likely to dispense accumulated urine

they dragged him fully clothed into the shower, cook him to the show and

tive gibberish at the students for

Conservative blowhole William F.

about 15 minutes before he was

Buckley Jr. made Yale history when he ran up a bill in ex

down his pant leg.

That's assuming he's

cess of $500 at a

a Carouser. Other

taurant, at one

college-circuit types

New Haven res

•'. *

point bellowing, "Waiter, bring me

• /-

behave in different

ways, depending on their phylum.

a bottle of wine

before I pass out."

Though he did not, in fact, lose consciousness, he

CAROUSERS

Gonzo autoparodist Hunter S. Thompson Jr.

did become drunk

is the Ur-speaker-

enough to leave his laptop com puter behind in

Carouser, notorious

on college campi for never failing to draw

the restaurant. It

a crowd and never

may also have

failing to drive it

been his famed

away. When students

conviviality that caused Buckley to repeatedly refer to his host college as Bryn Mawr when he was speaking at

came to fetch him

from his hotel to

speak at Boston Col lege, they couldn't get him to answer

the door or phone.

They prevailed upon the hotel manage

Sarah Lawrence.

SWAG

ment to open the

door, only to find a seriously pillaged minibar

and

the

writer passed out on the bed. Undaunted, 40 SPY OCTOBER 1993

GERERS

¥ Ml

For many celebri ty speakers, an Ivy League engage ment is not so much a business

opportunity as a chance to exorcise

attended a conference of Marxists at

their sense of inadequacy at never having graduated from such a college themselves. In his speech at Harvard last year, cable-news magnate Ted

the University of Illinois in 1983, she became concerned that her status

quo-threatening ideas would put her

pricking me!" Res ipsa loquitur.

Chemistry professor John Wood of the University of Minnesota was found

Turner made repeated references to his

being lodged in a second-floor dorm

not guilty of manufacturing synthetic heroin in a university lab in 1990.

Wood testified, "My purpose was

fabulous wealth; then, when asked if

room, the better to evade ground attacks by right-wing hit squads.

I was making an analgesic for a

he would mind endowing an environ mental-studies chair, he commented,

"I didn't get in here. Let the god damn people who went to Harvard take care of Harvard!"

On a visit to his alma mater, Yale

dropout Oliver Stone played the role of

in physical danger; she insisted on

(The most eminent Marxist in attendance, the French historian and

technical antique Henri Lefebvre, lived

up to his egalitarian ideals by opting out of the dorm system altogether.

met by a limo. After wine and tequila

Alone among the speakers, he fina gled lodgings appointed with air conditioning and a TV. Asked for his impressions of the conference, he

shots at dinner. Stone announced that

commented, "Oh, these American

rather than be met onstage by a com pere, he wanted to emerge first, with

Marxists, they drink such bad wine!")

conquering hero to the hilt, flying in on a private jet and insisting on being

the host students in a kind of train

behind him. He was drunk enough to provoke titters when he swigged from a bottle of Pellegrino onstageâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;stu dents assumed it was wine. Evidently willing to go to any length to culti vate a reputation as a debauchee.

Stone remarked, "You know, some

times people call me Oliver Stoned."

JOCKS

For athletically inclined speakers, onsite facilities are the top priority. The surprisingly active Bob Woodward

agreed to speak at a celebration for The Stanford Daily, then reportedly called up the night before the engage ment to stipulate that he be given time on a nearby golf course. Duke

English professor and PC czar Stanley Fish offered to speak at Yale on the

Mothers Against Drunk Driving founder Candy Lightner used to turn up for speaking engagements, then refuse to come out of her hotel room until

TOUCHIES

UCLA, he had his personal assistant come out beforehand and request that

Auburn University, February 1989: The head tennis coach lent a student athlete

$20 cash for a phone bill.

Middle Tennessee State University, 1987-88 academic year: The head

basketball coach gave a prospect's

ty Chuck D desetves mention for his commendable //^touchiness. Members

of the speakers' committee at Duke, apparently unfamiliar with the proto col for entertaining a rapper (or per haps just a black person), consulted the campus black-students organiza tion for dinner recommendations and

ended up taking Mr, D to Durham's only African restaurant. The hosts would have done better to borrow a

Public Enemy album: One of them asked Chuck what instruments he

played. He calmly replied, "I'm a vo calist," and the student asked, "Oh, where did you get your training?"

Mississippi College, 1988: A track prospect was offered full tuition and expenses if his father, a car dealer, gave the athletic department a car.

Oklahoma State University, June 1989: A wrestling coach paid for $1,333.24 in repairs to an athlete's pickup truck.

University of the South, October 1990: A basketball coach gave a prospect a Sewanee Basketball shirt and a pair of

sneakers. When the prospect enrolled the following year, the coach gave him a second pair of sneakers.

Simpson College, fall 1989: A member of the board of trustees lent an athlete

$174 for an eye exam and glasses,

$2,500 toward the purchase of a motorcycle and $120 for insurance on it.

Syracuse University, 1988-90: Four

SPIKE

LEE

pares, perhaps the most familiar cam pus feature after Ralph Nader, offered an insight into the mysteries of the creative process during a visit to UC Berkeley. While being shown around by a modishly dressed student who mentioned that she aspired to be a cineaste. Lee, whose last movie en

did, and nobody had to be hurt.

tailed his wearing a zoot suit and a feathered hat, looked his guide up and down and said seriously, "Well, film makers don't wear bell-bottoms." ^

feminist legal scholar and thousandand-first partner of Jeffrey Masson,

HALL OF LAME

Pathetic NCAA Violations

mother a white MTSU teddy bear.

nobody take any pictures. Nobody When Catharine MacKinnon, the

In 1989, In a widely reported incident, American University president Richard Berendzen resigned after admitting he'd made obscene phone calls from his office. Recently, and much more quietly, Berendzen returned to American as an astronomy professor.

Rapper and college-circuit ubiqui

The filmmaker-speaker primus inter

Being talented, many celebrities are also very sensitive. Sean Penn, for in stance, is legendarily sensitive. When the diminutive spitfire spoke at

legitimate operation in Rio de Janeiro."

her check was slipped under the door.

condition that members of the Politi

cal Union play basketball with him.

basically a humanitarian one. I thought

male student athletes and one female received a total of 24 free haircuts. Two other male student athletes received free facials and manicures.

University of Texas, Pan American, summer 1989: A basketball coach gave

a prospect a pair of green-and-white

Converse high-tops (size 15).$ The SPY 1993 College Guide Scholars: Tom Cunningham, Linda Hall, Euny

Hong, Larissa MacFarquhar, Daniel Radosh, Josh Shenk, Louis Theroux and Carol Vinzant

OCTOBER 1993 SPY 41

■{Pisces ncitarc docercY

■ rnntext" cooperative context. .N.LVS.S

,n che reading »

-We r»ill apply 7" f

330. PERSONS

"Each human being

philosophers. Persons

„e»s of all three

most peoplDoe. jncltnl' B mistake? human^be.ngs

anXrcNBC:rcBl;'H-^r«.C»%r on-gcrng analV^^^^ " alley Is presented by

322, anVhROPOUOGV """^f^^ivations and behav.cr ■■(1) Variations rn r™

^nd communities.

a sex, and persons

College fooD IN AMERICA 332./„« PROBLEMS IN TH , . ^^ny contexts "Examination of foo ' economic, moral m environmental, underpinnings of an order to explore the P production,

University of Caltjo

323. ELVIS AS ANTHOLOGY " Akhough it IS the > n^ovies, in fact Elvis w-

^,^0 sexes,

Or is this a

■^"utrofthlserandthetrfamiU

and cultutal impac

ana C2) the

Bennington College _unts to one person, say mos

EWlS jie and made some go the control

everyday meal. opi^_

n,ovies while structure in othe " Vniversity of Iowa of the power

manners, foo

household labor, ,. stamps, and 333. returning THE GAZE, read

■•The^u'e progresses

CULTURE "Studies pornograp y P

university PORNOGRAPHIC

, to define us....Uses ^

325^FR0M tde^ngelis^olby m, itsCollege history and -An examination

feminist literary and lega d J

326. THE Mining "f ® ^

"Instruction in basic y execution of stunts, and adaptation "f ™ m„rines." S,oi,l, College

present and future p P

fi^:::: magaLes...." S.rfore' Voters., swimming skills,

»,jnuiRY,

of contemporaRv

"""•'%rGHrFO^ct, CRlTfCAU, PHTbOSORHfOAU radical THOUGHT MUSICAL

choreography °",'„"®yu8AL MECHANISMS IN

„nerience of hearing the actua

.•Hot, is the actual eape rent ^ music described or rmpl.

.pectives they

impacted by the r-dopt'on

_^P

of reading and l*'n^

^^^^ime, together) and

propose and advocate,

To find out we read tea 1

j

j^eir contents,

rhen listen to the televnnt mus 1 rogetherl-diffetent tex« wtthj^

e discussed atei male mma

societies and gangs, mal g

houses, bats, btothels, coff

realtime,

everyone would Smithn

would collapse."

328. nutritional ANTHROPOU

rn:::nd rattle foodscont,„,i„„ltutal ain nutttents...." Hampshm

choreographically^P

_ machismo),

language, male fighting a j .s,atfatc, male sexual male adornment,

have it and no one would need it.

"Students work impr

,

,f ^"^rcultutesgivethemmde^--

"Everyone, we assum .

329. partnering

^

336''uNNMURALW0N1EN: MOTHERS WHO KILL THEIR

327!'imrAMERlCAN CUJ.W everyone could make

written

and

techniques

^^^^l^;p.,l,„ing

POR graduate students only

527. THE REAL WORLD i,, ^orld after graduate "Orientation of students to t

school. Reviews b^.c

skills ate of immediate us ( teaching), and some be

student is ptepatmj m enter ^ ^ ^ how to give a |o

"»t:.n'utual.y dependent and

^^ose pertaining to

„tite a grant proposal).. Heenearelj [)«<««")' ®

^.

This month: Hubba-hubba

Bubba; the many faces of Islam; miles and miles of Commie files.

Plus: A Dutchman's home is his cardboard.

October 1993

;g3 i0Bm

IliUii

The president discusses health-care issues with a fellow jogger in San Francisco's Presidio.

OCTOBER 1993 SPY 43

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It was the decade of greed, heartlessness, winner-take-all. The

decade of yellow-tie yuppies, rabid realtors, vile vulgarians, filthyrich fundamentalists. It was Social Darwinism run amok. It was

the Night of the Junta, when Colonel Olivera del Norte and our

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SPY presents a not-so-sure-it-was-so-terrible look back at the decade we

secretly wish had gone on much longer...

The Decade That Will Not Die j)ao

Fatlfears HISTORICAL HIGHPOINT

The 1980s was a decade of unrelieved

to No. 1 on Bill

lent presidential in

board charts.

augural in history: $11 million.

12/i\

mmtovE

HIGHLIGHTS FROM A

BY LARRY DOYLE

The 1980s

HMlfWO

John

115/31

Lennon as

Ann Getty finishes

sassinated.

1980 as Saks Fifth

U.S. hostages in

1960s end;

Avenue's best pri

Tehran released.

1980s

vate customer;

begin.

$77,000.

excellence., each day bringing a new

laai

best, largest, highest or, and

especially, most. Herewith, the pure butterfat skimmed offthe cream of that most excellent era.

\/2i)

Nancy Reagan flies in manicurist for president's 70th birthday.

Double

Fantasy album goes

i/iT-j/ao

:;/(>

The Reagans host the most opu

Walter Cronkite, lacking edge,

In Searcli ,

of Arrogance

I

Joe

fulfills

a decade-longfantasy and lives.

A Day at the Eighties Above, Morning in America. Right, "I bought this block last Thursday, and I want you people out by midnight."

Below, trickle-down at work: toasting David Stockman with a Democrat.

Below right, stimulating the private sector

is retired eariy.

first reusable space shuttle: $1biiiion+. i/i:{

George Bush presidency narrowiy

ingenuity

averted.

showcased

»/l2

America's

technologicai supremacy reaffirmed

with the iaunch of Columbia, the

American

report on unexpiained pneumonias heraids birth of major new market for U.S. phar-

Reagan signs the largest tax cut in

maceuticais.

history.

-/•J.U

as Janet

Prince Charles takes a

Cooke wins Pulitzer

wife: £500,000.

Prize.

troiiers.

' WAS AW -

ruAFFic

n/n

The White House gets much-needed fabulous

new dishes: $209,508.

}5/r,

Reagan reasserts

rights of employers, dismissing Government

5,000 striking air-traffic con-

io/2:{

Investment in U.S. government bonds and securities hits $1-

Above, power lunch

for one: shorting Hewlett-Packard on a state-of-the-art

Kaypro 4 portable computer(640K

RAM). Right, "Excellent!" Lefi, calling Cravath, Swaine from the road—"I'll be delayed, oh...eight minutes." Below lefi, liquidity.

Below right, it's Greenwich time: one last call to check the Nikkei index. "Ciao, baby!"

trillion.

Heralding new synergy, Coke 12/22

buys Columbia Pictures: $750-

Thirty million pounds of surplus

million.

cheese converted to philanthrop ic purposes.

1082

USA Today debuts.

Dr. Robert Jarvik demon

{»/30

strates

AT&T announces

nonessential

2/2

record profit; $7.6-

nature of

David Letterman

billion.

human heart.

product line intro duced.

i/»

In a harbinger of

12/2

{)/l5

i/jn

(!/;{()

10/ 1!)

!2/2«

John De Lorean di versifies automobile

for property

In major victor

new business trend,

In major victory for

company to include

AT&T is involuntari

employers, ERA

pharmaceuticals: 220 pounds,

Pulitzer Jr. crushes wife in

ly sold for parts.

dies.

worth $50 million+.

divorce case.

owners, UVVl Id

I I

Ten Years More tlie Mast

Avast, Me Eighties!

Swab the Decade!

Since the M.edicis, the Italians have cultivated the moral ways and means to build ostentatious but historically

significant bric-a-brac to absorb surplus value created by scumbags. On July 25,

1980, they finished building a yacht more

opulent than the royal yacht Britannia for Adnan Khashoggi, whose occupation was get

ting greased by Lockheed and Northrop

whenever they wanted to sell advanced weapons to Saudi Arabia. The yacht, the 282-foot, 1,800-ton, $70 million Nabila,

was named for Khashoggi's daughter, but the arms merchant also doted on his son

Mohamad. In 1981, the 18-year-old Mohamad invited his favorite child star,

Brooke Shields, to a party on the Nabila. Teri Shields, knowing that the sons of death merchants deserve rays of sunshine in their

lives just like everybody else, agreed.

According to Robin Leach, "The champagne flowed freely during the cruise...and, although Brooke stuck to fruit juices, she joined the party mood."

And the decade was just starting.

Over the next seven years, Shirley Bassey, Philippe Junot of Monaco, Koo Stark, Farrah Fawcett, Frank Sinatra, David

Niven Jr., Morgan Fairchild and Franco Zefferelll would party

And all I ask is a tall ship and a movie star to steer her by."

and his kept woman, the former child star Diane Lane. In 1983, the Nabila was featured as S.P.E.C.T.R.E.'s floating

lair, The Flying Saucer, in the illegitimate James Bond film Never Say Never Again. In a scene that raised the ire of some, Kim Basinger is auctioned to a bunch of filthy Arab brigands.

Khashoggi used the Nabila as his floating headquar

on the yacht, proving that corpses float. They would gath

ters, but he banked with Manuel Noriega, Clark Clifford,

er under the chamois leather ceilings, at the dining-room cable that could accommodate l6, around the mirrored

Saddam Hussein and a number of Colombian drug lords at

grand piano that was a gift from Liberace. They would talk on one of the 250 phones and party at the disco, one of the few rooms Luigi Sturchio designed for the Nabila without leather walls. It had a bronze floor, dry-ice machines, a disco ball and a mirrored ceiling that lit up with pictures of Khashoggi's face.

In 1983, Brooke appeared in Sahara, in which she's kidnapped by Arabs (Mohamad's brother Khaled Khashoggi was considered for the role); Adnan gave Robert Evans $750,000 in seed money for The Cotton Club, Francis Ford Coppola's 1984 catastrophe about a murderous mobster

In 1986, Khashoggi deposited $15 million into a Lake Resources account in Geneva, controlled by Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North.

As the Reagan administration morphed into Bush's, Khashoggi surrendered the Nabila to the Sultan of Brunei in settlement of a $50 million loan. On July 9, 1988, the Nabila was sold to Donald Trump. The artful deal was done

off of San Remo, Italy—touchingly. Trump's and the Sultan's lawyers would drive the yacht 12 miles off the 1(4/25 Grenada

Lingering leftist

rescue mission boosts national morale.

social agenda extin

Thriller, new

guished with the fi nal episode of

product, enters Bill board's Top 10.

Philippines.

2/2« i/;{

Michael Jackson

BCCI. Indictments to the contrary, no court ever proved that Khashoggi helped Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos loot the

■

. ..

■'.■h .y.i'C

V

introduces line of

Oynasty products. ;j/.To

Lifestyles of the Rich

19H4

and Famous pre-

M*A*S*H. 2/27

mieres.

Michael Jackson

Vanity Fair Final installment of

re-debuts.

Winds of War, the most expensive TV production ever: $42 million.

;{/! 4

expands into spokesmodeling for Pepsi.

CBS interviews

Richard Nixon: $500,000.

OPEC forced to cut

li/i I

5/11

crude-oil prices for

Twentieth Century Television

Michael Jackson given presiden tial award for "Beat It" product.

fi rst time in history.

coast every day while consummating the sale, to beat Italian taxes. Trump acquired the used boat for $29 mil

aboard the Trump Princess through 1989 was Maria Maples, a young actress whose most glamorous

lion $30 million minus $I million for promising to

role to that point involved being crushed by a

change the name, so as not to bring shame to the Khashoggi family. Trump liked the Trump Princess.

Trump docked the boat in Atlantic City, where he hoped it would attract high rollers to his sluggish casinos.

truckful of melons in Stephen King's Maximum Overdrive.

On Super Bowl Sunday, January 22, 1989, the Trump Princess cruised, stinkily, into Biscayne Bay. Trump, Don

The ploy was slightly less successful than booking fights

Johnson, Melanie Griffith and Liza Minnelli brunched aboard.

featuring serial buttocks fondler Mike Tyson. While Iron Mike was in training, Trump squired Robin Givens around his yacht under the watchful eye of her mother, occasional

Riots had shaken Miami for two days. From the deck of the Trimp Princess, fires were visible around the harbor.

They decided not to dock after all, and sailed on.

—Chris Kelly

ly contagious Ruth Roper; but the most frequent guest

Where Have You Gone,Joe kzu?

In the 1980s, everything was for sale, and at fabulous prices.

Innovative products proliferated like cockroaches. But, sadly, unlike cockroaches, many did not endure.

—Larry Doyle

PRODUCT LAUNCH

SLOGAN

FROM THE SALES KIT

PEAK PERFORMANCE

CURRENT SALES

The Action

October

"I'll be back"

"To me, the most perfect

Hero

1982

and "Do we get to

screenplay ever written will be one word."—Stallone

In April 1986 an action hero was awarded the ultimate accolade then

may have been Just that.

win this time?"

1993's Last Action Hero

available: entry Into the Kennedy family.

Cabbage

June

"Little People

Patch Kids

1983

Babies"

"You cannot buy a Little Person any more than you can buy love or affection.

In November 1983, 5,000 shoppers

They are, however,

when the

available for adoption to good homes."—Cabbage

Cabbage

Patch father Xavier Roberts

Duran

1981

"The New

Duran

"We always knew that all we needed was major exposure over here."

D A A 41

In an effort to keep sales up,

rioted in West

increasingly pathetic

Virginia

Patch

product-line »

extensions have been introduced in

f

Kids ran

recent years.

out.

On May 25, 1985, its single "A View to a Kill" went to No. 1 despite being

Rolling Stone on this year's Duran Duran:

the theme song to the second-worst

"Unfortunately...the

James Bond film to date.

members keep up with

times—mainly, it seems, listening to Prince."

Jane

October

Fonda's

1981

^6o for the burn'

Body

MTV

—I August 1,

"I want my

1981

MTV"

"I didn't understand any

In 1986 millions of men and women

business until it hit me that

wishing to have a body just like it made

Following limited remodeling, it was

I had been exercising since

the Jane Fonda Workout video the top-

sold to a southern

I was twenty-one. It is one thing I really knew about."

grossing videotape of all time.

gentleman In

"The best of both worlds— the 'low taste' audience

selectivity of radio and magazines, and the broader

December 1991.

In August 1985 it achieved perfect

The most popular

synergy when "Money for Nothing,' song and video featuring the MTV slogan, hit No. 1.

current MTV

reach of television."

—1981 advertisement in

program features two

teenagers who sniff paint thinner and watch MTV.

Billboard Pac-Man

1980

"Mickey Mouse

"Drugs are used to avoid

In 1982 it

Once an icon for an

of the 1980s"

problems. Video games get

was

people fascinated with proh]Qm-solving."

named Time's Man of the Year

acquisitive age, it has now largely been replaced by more prosoclal games with superior graphics.

7/H>

Walter averted

Mondale presidency when he says, "Mr.

Reagan will raise taxes, and so will 1."

letter to yup

«/J2

pies, appears

Americans win 83 gold, 61 silver

phy demon

in former countercul

and 30 bronze medals in Los An

strated.

ture maga zine Rolling T/!t>

Stone.

strap philoso

geles Olympics.

11/2

Proving ERA Premiere of

was unneces

First install

Miami Vice

ment of The

completes

sary to guaran tee equal treat

Bonfire of the

Raising number of TV stations a

television

ment, Velma

company can own from 7 to 12,

evolution.

Barfield executed.

Vanities,

FCC chairman Mark Fowler

Tom

states, "Bigness isn't necessarily

Wolfe's love

badness."

f>/20

I2/.T

Cosby de buts; boot-

Packaging triumphs over content

the comic-book

That is how I wound up drawing comic books for

industry, like many

Marvel Comics at the age

In the early 1960s

in 1965' various media issued the proclamation that comics were "not for kids

others at that time,

of ]f. Of course, bein^ Iff

anymore." As evidence of

saw a sudden

I was incompetent, so

comics' adulthood, these media

prosperity and expansion to the point where the demand for

Marvel put me to work

would invariably point to the

on their most successful

publication of the graphic novel

books, rationaliring

new product far

(correctly) that I couldn't

Maus. Maus was a tale of the Holocaust told by cartoon mice.

hurt Spider-Man's sales no matter how badly I drew.

Within a year, every comic-book

of the existing talent

poo! to produce.

That was in 1963-

deal. Mine was with Doubleday.

exceeded the capacity

artist in America had a book

\

.

ft .

L

1 In 196f' Doubleday published

for the next three years,

Finally, I wrote

So here I am at 2'f, a

my first graphic novel, which

I continued this hit-and-run

another graphic novel,

ten-year veteran making

bombed so badly that it has

approach to my career,

which also bombed but

deals with Sf-year-old development executives

been suggested there were

working for every major

rounded out my resume

more copies of the book returned than printed.

comic-book publisher,

Just enough to get me

who "grew up reading"

and even illustrating a

a two-year television

my "stuff." Soon I will

deal at Warner Bros.,

make a couple of

I was immediately given a

few features in Spy,

$60,000.00 contract with

All of these projects

which bombed but

movies that bomb

DC Comics and a regular

rounded out my resume

and retire a

monthly series. After all, I had

failed miserably, but I kept getting jobs, because by

just enough to give me

millionaire.

been published by Doubleday,

this time I had an

a Hollywood Track

and had worked on Spider-Manl

incredible resume.

Record.

as Beverly Hills Cop is

2/11

g <>8r>

released. Eventual

earnings; $100 mil

Big Three automakers report record profit: $9.81 billion.

I am very happy.

for Diet Pepsi.

2/0

Some underperforming savings

lion.

â&#x2013; :a is.

Werner Erhard intro

2/1.-)

12/f 7

duces the Forum, est

Lost in Ameri

minus personal

ca, Albert

2/IÂŤ

growth.

Brooks's love

Capital Cities Communications buys ABC: $3.5 billion-f-.

In a second stunning victory, "Like a

letter to yup

Virgin" hits No. 1.

1/14

Newsweek declares 1984 the Year of the

Yuppie.

Packaging hat trick: Phyllis George be comes co-anchor of

CBS Morning News.

and loans close in Ohio.

pies, opens. .->/,-

raro becomes

Reagan solidifies relationship with important economic ally by laying wreath at military ceme

spokesmodel

tery in Bitburg, Germany.

u/r,

Geraldlne Per-

The living embodiment ofthe age, Michael Douglas was to the 1980s what Al Pacino was to the '70s, what Richard Burton was to the '60s, what Mario Lanza was to late December 1951.

Like Mario Lanza, the real Michael Douglas was bigger than the parts he played: He was the size ofa decade.

THE CHINA SYNDROME (1979)

keeps in town.

Starting out in television, he breaks the

BLACK RAIN (1989)

rules, because he cares. Okay, he smokes

He had to take that drug money, to pay

a little dope.

his alimony. An affair with a blond

THE STAR CHAMBER (1983)

nightclub hostess is the only thing that makes a business trip to Japan worth

He makes mistakes, trying to do what's morally right. His marriage is shaky. He arrives too late to warn some acquain tances that their angel-dust factory is in

while.

THE WAR OF THE ROSES(1989)

His unwise marriage to a blond leads to

danger.

an ugly divorce and the destruction of

ROMANCING THE STONE (1984)

all he holds dear, including his luxury

He makes his own rules. An affair with

automobile.

a blond romance novelist causes business

SHINING THROUGH (1992)

problems that only friendly Colombian

The businessman stuff is only a front.

His affair with his blond secretary doesn't scop him from sending her on assignments chat involve having sex

drug lords can solve.

A CHORUS LINE (1985)

His word is law. Singers, actors and

dancers will do anything to work for him. Including this one blond dancer....

THE JEWEL OF THE NILE (1985)

His ill-considered marriage to a blond romance novelist complicates a business deal with some Arabs.

with his enemies.

BASIC INSTINCT(1992)

His substance-abuse problem is affect ing his career. He's getting into rough sex. A sleazy affair with a blond romance novelist leads to a luxury-automobile at tack.

FATAL ATTRACTION (1987)

His sleazy affair with a blond book edi tor leads to an attack on his luxury auto mobile and very nearly divorce.

FALUNG DOWN (1993)

He's unemployed. He foolishly aban dons his luxury automobile. He gets insufficient respect as he bullies across

WALL STREET(1987)

What he can't buy with cash he buys

L.A. toward his justifiably afraid

with hookers, limos and blow. His wife

ex-wife.

— Chris Kelly

must never know about the blond he •"j/7

u/.T

Murdoch bids on

GM merges with

ly becomes one of the most suc cessful new product launches in

seven U.S. TV sta

Hughes Aircraft: $5-

history.

tions: $2 billion.

billion.

mi

ion.

0/1

In order to com

(i/lO

Frank Sinatra award ed Presidential Medal of Freedom.

nonlethal products, buys Nabisco: $4.9 billion.

plete

ity belongs in

deal to

quitted.

private sector: $70 million.

buy seven TV stations, urdoch becomes a U.S. citizen.

T/;»

David Stockman agrees to write

R.J. Reynolds, diversifying into

Live Aid demonstrates that char

Ciaus von Biilow ac

his memoirs: $2 mlllion+.

7/10

Coca-Cola Classic debuts, quick

Ji.'l.'v

Michael Jack

O/IO

son buys the

"Money for Nothing," Mark

Beatles: $47.5-

Knopfier's love letter to budding

POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF PALOOKAVILLE Philip Michael Thomas disagrees with

Jennifer Beats and her mom about whose talent will take them the farthest.

Walter and Joan Mondale

teeth.

YO, ROBERT DE NIRO Of all the roles he played on film, perhaps none was his greatest: Sylvester Stallone.

L-R: Czar Power, Clothes Maketh the Mook; Gatsby Balboa] Why,I Yachta...] The Bachelor Record Executive.

yuppies, reaches No. 1.

vance for Whirlwind:

$5 million. io/:k>

U.S. automakers announce record 15.6 million vehicles sold.

5 2/ 51

GE buys RCA and NBC: $6.28 billion.

!/M

James Clavell gets record ad

letter to

Pepsi buys Michael Jackson:

yuppies,

$15 million.

debuts.

Man of Steel #1, featuring a

L.A. Law,

Quick-thinking Ford executives discontinue

advertising campaign inking Aerostar minivan to the space-shut tle program.

Dr. Tarnower says, "Avoid lead!"

so/;{

new, yuppie

Steven

Superman,

Bochco's love letter to yuppies,

debuts.

debuts.

io/l

n/j t

spy, Kurt

Ivan Boesky gives something

Clint Eastwood elected mayor of

Andersen

back to the people: $100-

Carmel, California.

and Graydon

million.

Carter's love

CLASS DISMISSED Texas Tomato Georgette Mosbacher redefines the word fashion

L-R: Federal Sexpress, TItticat Follies, Hustlln' Bustle, Hold That Tigress, Buzzardess.

YOU DON'T NEED A TIE TO LOOK UKE A GORF-BUT IT HELPS

Piscopo, Brenner, Belzer and Williams tell jokes to get the

Tama Janowitz with a bone on

LOVE HANDLEBARS Macho

19805 laughing. Benatar sings.

Men rule. Who says? Johnson and Selleck, that's who.

FISH AND GUESTS STINK AFTER THREE DAYS L-R: Cornelia, a

SMELL ELIZABETH TAYLOR'S

little more Cornelia, Alexander, C. Z. Guest

PASSION Liz and (despite ap

pearances, not yet dead) Dick ~^m 12/22

York Times's entry into the

Bernhard Goetz takes back the

1980s.

2/15

!)/2«

New Yorker ed\tor William

Jessica Hahn

Average closes above 2000 for

Shawn retired; magazine refur

fi rst time.

bishment begins.

poses nude in Playboy: $1 million.

1/5

Reagan proposes first $1 trillion annual gov ernment investment in America.

1/(5

Retirement of A. M.

Rosenthal signals New

h er child.

l/« Dow Jones Industrial

subways for real Americans: $5.

10»7

$600,000.

1/22

:{/:{0

Dow has record 51.60

Van Gogh's Sunflowers sold:

advance In one day.

$39.9 million.

1/25

■l/'.il

NBC charges record for

1)/2J>

thirtysomething, yuppie love letter to yuppies, premieres.

In major legal victory upholding

10/I5>

30-second spot on

primacy of contracts, Mary Beth

19B0S end. 1

Super Bowl XXI:

Whitehead loses custody of

Like Saul Steinberg, magazines grew fat in the 1980s. Ad pages multi plied, and new magazines obligingly appeared to give them a good home.

Prolofunnies

Some were real start-ups (Manhattan, incj, some reconstituted Euro-

Junk (Elle, Premiere) and some reno-Jobs (Vanity Fair). ^The decade also saw a colossal boom in one-shot parodies of magazines, books, games,

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catalog,.^ Kurt Andersen, one ofthefounding editors ofSPY, and its current editor, Tony Hendra, worked on several ofthese, most notably Ol the Wall Street Journal, afull-scale parody ofthe merchant class's newspaper ofrecord.^ln 1984 the editors oj the parody and ex-Vniversal boss Ned Tanen got together to produce a satirical magazine called What!("the maea-

zine c^fpeople askfor by name").♦These pages arefrom the dummy </What! They were written by Andersen with David Owen and Ann Hodgman.♦Tanen ultimately decided MCA did not wish to make big bucks in thefast-growingfield ofprint humor.

fViTW/vo/ncev n&aeoff

C€Pr TV exif^ew,teeA&na TOH/SPANCNO sarereuTHeiee,

HSCAteT

to /eecAx.

I

Gflaamiei$e$ to ecBeFeeT,setocteev BiJT THSPfees/vefiT puic notftop.

ANOJOMN HINCICLBY(?OeS H/S vroPK iOBU.

K

isrufij ^ HiNCi^i.ev"?

TPy TO THlN< UFA ^^ew ^AYTHlS /

i

n

CI-IEATIfXICS l—AS %/ECSAS CASIIXIOS IS A D/% rXl G^i=C O US GAIVIE G F" SK,II—■-J. FKAIXIDAI—I- f»«IG« ^«GF"II—ES GI%IE C»F VEGAS'S

LEG E l%l G A F^'V

SMiARPERS AAIG

Si—GT

GARG-

REATERS,

A RETITE, S^WVEET-EAGEG ^^GIVIAAI AIAIVIEG

RAT-nr

in a group of the best slot cheats in the world, reminisces Ron McAllister, former chief investi

gator of the Nevada Gaming Control Board.

"She was very clever and very cool. And you can have respect for a crook you're trying to catch.

"She's a Damon Runyon character, without a

i_AAIE

doubt," muses another law-enforcement type

Lane has had it with gambling,

nostalgically. "I mean, how many women do you know who smoke Pall Mall reds, butt hang

had it with Vegas. For a hustler of her stature, that may sound unlikely.

She is, after all, one of the legends,

famous up and down the Strip for her encyclopedic knowledge of scams and her sangfroid in putting them into practice. From when she first started gaming, at the age of 16, until she quit in 1984, Patty says, she helped stage 6,000 slot-machine jackpots and hustled 3,500 blackjack games. That's a track record that puts her in the Vegas pantheon with the likes of Bugsy Siegel.

62 SPY OCTOBER 1993

When a legendary casino hustler leaves town, even her enemies get sentimental. "She worked

ing from their mouth just right?"

She still smokes heavily, but you might have a hard time pegging Patty as a 24K "crossroader" from her appearance alone. Five foot three, a little over 100 pounds, a mother of four: not your typical profile of a high roller, even a re formed one. Padding around her suburban Vegas apartment in sweats, she looks like a regular midwestern matron, a homebody, albeit a little more youthful and a little shapelier than her 53

years. But then, it's been a while sincC PafCy

worked the baize or the reels, fn her heyday, she thought nothing of raking in tens of thousands of dollars over a weekend; on one occasion she

knocked off 20 jackpots in a single day.

Even if she hadn't been caught, it still would

have been time to leave that life behind. Las Vegas isn't what it used to be, in Patty's opinion. The casinos have been bringing in efficiency experts to advise them on cutting costs: Only the high rollers get free drinks these days, and some places have stopped printing the customized matchbooks peo

The Desert Inn one of the new-style, grandscale Strip hotelsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;opened with money from a

Cleveland syndicate in 1950,followed by Benny Binions Horseshoe Club, downtown on Fre mont Street, in 1951, and the Sahara and the Sands the year after that. The Sands sold nine

points each to Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin,

who would invite Milton Berle and Sammy Davis Jr. to hang out and watch them perform in the Copa Room. When the 15-scory Fremont opened on Casino Center Boulevard in 1956, it

ple used to take home as souvenirs. "The places that used to be very elite casinos are becoming hokey and downtown," Patty says. "They just keep adding on to them until they look like a hodge

walls were flecked with quartz chips that sparkled in the sun. By 1958 the Riviera, the

podge. When I came to Las Vegas, there were about eight casinos on the Scrip. Since that time

$15 million Tropicana had all opened for busi

they've built all the rest of them. And they were

Vegas between 1955 and '60, increasing the

was the tallest building in Nevada, and its outer

Dunes, the Moulin Rouge, the Mint and the ness. Twenty thousand people moved to Las

berry patches when I first got here."

In January 1947, Meyer Lansky muscled Bugsy Siegel out of the Flamingo. Lansky had

Stardust opened opposite the Desert Inn; it had

invested heavily in the Strip, and mob money

electric sign in the world. Las Vegas's boom era

from New Orleans, Chicago and Cleveland had transformed Las Vegas from a small-time, fron

population by nearly 50 percent. In 1958 the

the largest casino in Nevada and the largest had begun.

tier-theme backwater into an overextended con

Patty moved to Las Vegas from Newport, Kentucky, in 1961, after exposes billing New

sumption hypertown.

port as Sin Town USA forced the police to shut

Patty in the early 1960s, working as a cigarette girl in a Las Vegas casino

m

1-3er3

OCTOUER 199J SPV 65

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UNITED STATES

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P.O. Box 51626

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insiiiEn hepiv miil First Class Moil Permit No. 1 156 Boulder, CO Postoge will be paid by addressee

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down New gambling ii

seedy but profitable illegalPatty had been making $20

a night sim blackjack a dealers aboi

[was 16 working as a shill in , feeding information to the w much money was in gam

blers' wallej

1 what cards they held. The

dealers taugn

r how to deal deuces—dealing

the next-froil

>-top card in the pack to keep

players from w.ming.

When she was 17 and working at clubs in Newport, Patty married a 31-year-old safectacker named Hank. "This was a town full of pimps, whores, thieves and gamblers," Patty says. "A safecracker was an elite citizen compared with some of the other scum." Hank cracked safes

and blew the loot gambling. "One time Hank gave me $26,000 on a Friday night and it was gone by Sunday," Patty says. "That was a lot of money in 1957."

Patty had a baby boy—^Joey—and learned

A Lane in Winter: Patty—now long retired from

F*l—AYIIXIG

beating the casinos—in Las Vegas, 1993

how to cook; Hank kept busy getting arrested throughout the Midwest, including for posses sion of burglary tools, but apparently found

the table. Patty looked up and figured out what

orxjEi rxiict-iT

was going on. In those days there were no cam

/%.T ti-ie:

time to impregnate Patty again. She named the

eras in the casinos; when the house thought it

HORSESHOE,

baby, a girl,Jerry, after a girlfriend of hers. That was before she found out Jerry was sleeping

was being cheated, it sent a man into the crawl

with Hank. Goodbye Hank.

space in the ceiling to look down through a peephole at the game. A security guard grabbed

THAT L-ARHY

Larry, but just beforehand Patty had grabbed

VITAS '^HAIXID-

THE POLICE SHUT NEWPORT DOWN,

the card out of Larry's lap and sneaked it back

Patty got a job as a cocktail waitress in a legitimate bar across the river in Cincinnati. She started dating a man named Jack—a con man who posed as an aluminium-siding salesman. After a while

into the deck unnoticed, so when the casino boss searched him, there was no evidence that

Jack skipped town for Bisbee, Arizona, and Patty, then 20, sold her trailer, left her kids with

Larry had cheated.

After that Patty started hustling with Larry on a daily basis. They would alternate weekends in Vegas, California and Reno. Sometimes they worked with Roger Grayson, leader of the then-

her mother in Chicago and went to join him.

notorious Grayson Gang. "There were times we

Jack and Patty moved to Las Vegas in 1961, and

would go downtown and beat six or seven casi nos on a Friday night," Patty says, "go home, get some sleep, go beat another seven or eight casinos starting at 11:00 in the morning, get home around 4:00, rest up until 7:00 Saturday evening, and then hit seven or eight more. We once knocked off 20 jackpots in a day."

not much longer after that Patty came home to

find all Jack's things gone; he'd got back to gether with his wife.

Then she met Larry. Like Patty, Larry had hung around the gambling scene in Newport

before moving to Vegas, and he started asking her to go gambling with him after she got off work. Playing blackjack one night at the Horse shoe, Patty saw that Larry was "handmucking"—he had stolen a card from the dealer's deck and was sneaking it in and out of his hand.

If he was dealt a 14, say, and the card facedown was a 4, he would switch the 4 with the queen

STOL-EAI A CARD IF-ROIVI THE DEAI_ER*S DEOtC

AAID XA/AS Sr\IEAKirXIG IT IIXI AIXID OUT OF- HIS HAIUD

Roger. "When the joint came unglued," says Patty, "it was my job to get the card back. I was the one holding the card when the shit hit the fan. If they count their deck and they only have 51 cards, you're in trouble, so I wouldn't care

him a 20, and hide the 4 between his legs.

the table, kicked into the rack—I did whatever I

falling, every few seconds, from the ceiling onto

HE HAO

When they went out handmucking, Patty

how the card went in—bent in half, laid up on

ticed that thin showers of tiny paint flakes were

IVIUCKIIXIG"

would steal the card and pass it to Larry or

he had stolen a hand earlier, which would give

Larry was raking in the chips when Patty no

RATTY SA^^

had to do to put it back. That's why everybody that sat down with me felt at ease."

A much riskier but more profitable way to OCTOBliR 1993 SPY 65

joint pretty quickly. Luckily we had cashed in most of our checks."

0

Other times the run-ins were between Patty

and her gambling cronies, such as the time she

scrapped with the ex-wife of a hustler named Billy. "We were out at a restaurant and she asks me what kind of food I like," Patty recalls. And I say white beans and corn and collard greens.

And she said, 'Well, I wouldn't know about

foods like that, I'm only used to being around people with money.' Weil, when she said that, I just saw red."

Patty threw her glass of wine in the woman's

face, then seized her by the hair and puncb^ her. Billy and the restaurant's maitre d' scram bled to break up the fight, Billy taking hold of his ex-wife and the maitre d' grabbing Patty

around the waist. But Patty kept her hand locked until she had ripped a hank of hair right '~ri-iERi

Boomtoivn Vegas—Fremont Street in 1954

out of the woman's head.

beat blackjack than handmucking was known as

Later, out in the parking lot, "I banged her head against a wall a couple of times, and it ended with me sitting on top of her and pound

TIIVIEIS WEI ^«VOtJI-D

switching in a cooler. Instead of stealing one card, you stole the dealer's entire deck and re

ing her and half the people from the bar outside

-ro^^ixi AI%ID

placed it with a new deck—called a cooler (or a

looking at us and laughing. And all the time

k-r SIX

cold deck, or iceberg)—arranged to deal win ning hands to a person sitting in a particular

Larry was yelling at me,'Don't hurt your hand, punch her in the tit!' But I didn't listen, so afterward I had to go to the hospital and get my hand put in a brace. I ruined my suit too, and my Andrew Geller shoes. I'd say she ended up

»OVI/l%l-

:*%/£:ixi CASilXIO!

OIXI

A F^RIDAY

IXIIGI-iT, »AVS.

seat at the table. Coolers, like handmucking, re

quired a group of cheaters working together: the "mechanic," who switched the deck; "first base," who sat at the far lefthand seat and dis tracted the pit boss; "third base," who sat at the far righthand seat and distracted the dealer; and

with some bruises and contusions, but in the

long run it probably cost me a lot more money than it did her. But that's the Irish in me.'"

'%%/e: oixici

the "takeoff man," in whose favor the cards were

KAIOCICI

stacked, whose job it was to bet heavily through out the shoe and collect the winnings. Usually

cheating circles experimented with vari

the dealer was in on a cooler, so the trick was to

ous ways of "juicing" the deck. One of

switch decks without being seen by the cameras and pit bosses focused on the table. Working with a cooler could, on rare occasions, yield as

the more reliable kinds of juice was invis ible ink, which the cheaters would apply to the cards while playing at the table, and which would show up black through the in

JACKPOTS IIXI A DAY.

much as $100,000 for 45 minutes' work.

"One time—I think it was 1971—I was

working with Roger and a crew that was com ing through Carson City," Patty recalls. "It was a small casino....At some point I see that the

guys have finished with one cooler and they're setting up a second cooler, which was pretty ball sy. Well, the pit boss was already suspicious; when he saw the same people sit back down again for another game, he just knew something was going to happen. I look up and see the pit boss running from the pit to the kitchen, which isn't far, because it's a small joint. And there's the fry cook coming down from behind the counter with a hatchet in his hand, and the pit boss is on the telephone—we all vacated the fir.spvocToijLR lyyj

A WHILE IN THE 1960S AND '70S, CARD-

frared contact lenses they'd bought from a doc tor in Beverly Hills. "I never liked juice plays,"

Patty says, "because there was always the danger of losing, and I don't gamble."

For a brief period in 1965, on the advice of a

socially challenged scientific type she knew

from Berkeley, Patty tried daubing cobalt paste on certain cards, whose positions she would

then attempt to determine by means of a small Geiger counter. "It did work," she says, "but we could never get a Geiger counter small enough to schlepp in a joint that could get past the first card." More reliable were the old techniques of sanding and bending: scratching the cards with

a tiny piece of sandpaper on the tip of your

finger, or bending the cards very slightly in different ways to denote a card's high, low or medium value.

To beat the traditional slot machine, Patty will cell you, you want to have at least five peo ple working. The first person is the mechanic, who opens up the machine door and lines up its reels to the jackpot position. (In a Big Bertha— the six-foot-high, four-foot-wide giant slot ma chines you find in some of the larger ca sinos—the reels are so heavy that you need two

says. "A guy we were with had a knife and cut

him loose, but now we had a jackpot sitting there with three sevens and a guy's tie hang ing out of the machine. The guy whose fie it was just wanted to run. I don't blame him—I

probably would've run, too. But we didn't want to lose the jackpot, so we were all over

his ass to get the door opened again. He was having a hell of a time opening it, because he was nervous, and he took a good three or four minutes, but he got it done."

mechanics to climb inside the machine and force

them around.) The second person is the lookout, who diverts the attention of any casino person

ROULETTE CAN BE EASIER OR MORE

nel looking in the direction of the machine

complicated than beating slot machines, depending on how

being opened and sounds the alarm if anything

carefully the casino watches its

goes wrong. The third and fourth people are

wheels. If the wheels were left

blockers, who stand in front of the machine, preferably in large fur coats, to prevent cameras and stray pit bosses from seeing what's going on. The fifth person—usually not a member of

unguarded when they weren't being used, Patty bered stripes, cut identical stripes from a sheet of lead, paint them to match the originals and

the crew but a friend with a clean record—is the

slip them into about a quarter of the slots on

»IJ

"■hie: ivi/%gixii

and company would measure a wheel's num CASIIXIO lAi

collector, the figurehead player of the game,

the wheel at which they would later be playing.

who when the jackpot hits and the bells start ringing goes into a frenzy of excitement and collects the money from the casino, to be divid

Casinos use ivory balls in roulette games, and

ed later on In the safety of somebody's house. If

one of the false-bottomed slots, and the cheaters

IVIACt-IIIXII

a cheater'is known to a casino, it's easier to work

would win.

A AID, WITM-

dealers, since the cheater is more likely to get

the casino's roulette ball and replacing it with a ball with a tiny magnet inside. The cheater would then attempt to control the ball's move ment by means of a larger magnet he or she was holding near the wheel, inside a purse or a pocket. In London one time, Patty was working

tightened, and then scrunch her face around until she developed artificial wrinkles.

In the early days of slot machines, the reels were made of a type of metal that could be con trolled by a magnet. You brought the magnet into the casino in a purse or inside your coat,

ACSAIIXIS-r

Most of the time, then, the ball would stop on

Another method they used involved stealing

hands, wait half an hour until it dried and

IJF>

when ivory hits lead, the lead kills the bounce.

on the slots than up close with the blackjack away with a disguise. Patty would sometimes dress up as an old woman with a cane: She would spread clear facial mask on her face and

lAIXlEO

OUT* OI^EAI■ rXIG TTI-il

AL-ICrXJEID TTI-iE iry A UiACKF»o-r

7964 (left) and '80 (right) Bally slot machines

ill-IDAJ

inimim

leaned up against the machine and, without

• «io

opening the door, aligned the reels in a jackpot position. In the early 1970s the casinos got wise

ai 4'IMIIH

to this and started buying new slot machines

with parts made of brass or plastic—a loss both to cheaters and to cheating's potential for farce,

as in the time Roger Grayson and a female asso ciate were escaping from a bad situation and Roger noticed that the woman had stopped run

'IBkB

ning a block behind him and was waving franti cally. She had a particularly strong magnet in her purse and had gotten stuck to a lamppost.

"Another time, sometime in the early seven

ties, a guy I was working with got his tie locked in the machine door, and when he started to run he almost hung himself," Patty OCTOBER 1V93 SPY 67

house in Alamo and collected the insurance.

Patty went back to work handmucking and cheating slots. Within six months she had enough money to make a sizable down payment on a house.

GOT BUSTED IN 1980 PUTTING IN A

cooler at the MGM Grand in Reno.

The group she was with had tried to recruit a young dealer who turned out to be a policewoman's daughter and turned them in to the FBI. Patty got off

lightly—with a year's probation—due to a legal technicality. Probation notwithstanding, Patty continued to work the casinos, and the three

•(

years that followed were her most profitable ever.

In the early 1980s the limits on slot-machine jackpots went up by tens of thousands of dol lars. In the 1960s it was rare to find a jackpot

worth $10,000, but by 1984 jackpots worth $50,000 and $80,000 were relatively common,

and you could even find pots worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. Casinos put in machines

Gun of a 19Al Bally Triple Bell, showing magnet-

with larger denominations of coin acceptance:

prone metal reels

The old-fashioned nickel slots gave way to ones

Vl/OFCK. HAIXID-

with a man who'd embedded the magnet inside

chines to ones requiring $3 or $5. Many casinos

IVIIJCICIfXIG

a fake plaster cast on his arm, Alas, the magnet was stronger than anticipated, and the ball leapt off the wheel altogether and stuck to his cast.

Amazingly, everyone escaped.

Fred was Patty's third husband. Patty had married Larry in the winter of 1965, and it last ed about a year. She started working with Fred,

F*AT"¥-Y BACIC "TO

AIXID GIHI IIXIG

^^ITI-IIIXI SIX

fVIOIXII-l-lS IHE i-IAD :iXIOIJGH

IViOIXII

F>AYIVIEIXI'

orxi /«L

house:.

with quarter minimums, and the dollar ma

a crooked dealer, soon afterward, and married him in 1969- "He had a little pimp in him,"

Patty says now. "I'm sure I was being pimped, although I wasn't selling my body. You don't have to sell pussy to be a whore. He didn't give me my end of the money."

Fred wound up in prison in the early 1970s, and Patty started dating a burglar with no casi no experience by the name of Jimmy. By the time Fred's sentence was over, Patty was living with Jimmy and wanted a divorce.

Patty and Jimmy got married in 1975 and

bought a house in Alamo, Nevada. "I'm getting

68 SPY OCTOBER 1993

also modernized their slot machines with me

chanical anticheating devices and cut down on human floor security, so once Patty learned how to beat the new machines, she could do her work with relative ease. The casinos were in

stalling too few cameras in the early 1980s to catch all the cheating that was going on. "They didn't want to spend the money," Patty says.

"They stepped over dollars to pick up pennies."

"One time we got caught on a machine," Patty says. "There was a Big Bertha at Caesar's with a $125,000 jackpot on it. 1 was out round ing [distracting] this one boss standing maybe 20 or 30 feet away from the machine. I didn't chink the two guys were inside yet, because I hadn't given them the signal, but when I look over at one of the blockers, he shrugs his shoul ders at me, and 1 see they have the door of the machine already open. Meanwhile this boss is moving toward them, and he's only about two

very insecure," Patty says of that period. "We're starting to argue all the time, Jimmy beats me

aisles over.

half to death." After two years she walked out

he has to stop the boss, but it doesn't work. At

"I point at the other lookout and signal that

on him and moved back to Vegas. "I've got

this point the boss isn't going to pay attention

S14,000 cash, four kids fshe had a daughter by

to some guy. By this time he's coming down the

Fred and a son by Jimmy], no place to live, I don't have towels, 1 don't have pots, I don't have pans, I don't have a vacuum," Patty says.

aisle and he's walking directly to the machine that they're inside of—the door is open and there are two guys inside the machine. So the boss is

Jimmy (who is now deceased] burned down the

coming down the aisle and I grab him and

H 0 L L y W 0 0 0^C A 1006 Seward St.,

□

H Ollvwood 5-0 9 6 1

[■] 1

I

E

E

Hollywood, Calif.

begin abusing him—I say the machine he just fixed for me was still taking my money and not

paying me and would he please come back and fix it because I'm tired of contributing money to

Caesar's Palace, blah, blah, blah, and he's saying,

'Lady, I'll be right there. Lady, I'm sorry, I'll make sure you get your money back. Lady!' Fi nally he just reaches over and grabs me by the shoulders and shouts in my face, 'Lady, please!

I've got to see what these people are doing!' and he pushes me out of the way.

"He runs over to the machine and tries to see Cl-ll

'IIXIG IS ;-rTiixiC3

iviI i%iIAi~iJ re: CAIVIERAS ARE HIDDEtXl irxi TI-IE ARIVIS OI=~ ^^l-IEEl-ERAIRS;

L.EARI^ED

IVIAIXlIF> IJl-ATI -rRE IVIICROCRIF»!

IVIAEI-111X11

Florida once, so I knew what a jail cell was.

That didn't bother me. But somehow, when I

stepped in that courtroom and I looked up at that big, awesome insignia behind the judges bench that said THE UNITED STATES GOVERN

MENT, and when I heard them read, 'United States Government v. Patricia Lane,' it scared the

bark off of me. Besides, all my life I learned that

what's going on, but he can't see over all the people standing in front of it, so he starts jump ing in the air like a jumping jack trying to see what's going on, and finally he pushes one

cause they had unlimited funds, and you didn t

woman out of the way and he hangs over the

screw around with the outfit [the Mafia], be

there were two things you didn't screw around with: You didn't screw around with the FBI, be

door of the machine and yells at the two guys,

cause they had unlimited funds. And here I had

"What the hell are you doing?' I run over there and I scream to them, 'Get the fuck out of

screwed with Old Whiskers [the FBI] and I

there! It's Tom!' {"It's George": Everything's cool. "It's Tom": Cheese it.] One of the guys

throws the boss to the ground and somehow we

all got away, everyone by a different door."

ERE^VS l-IA%/E

indicted on racketeering charges but escaped with no jail time and a fine of $2,500. She felt incredibly lucky. "A lot of people are scared of going to jail because they've never experienced it," she says. "Well, I got locked up in jail in

As the 1980s economy inflated, people start ed betting higher. "It used to be a rarity to see green-check [$25] players," says Patty. "People were very conservative. And all of a sudden you started seeing green-check players and blackcheck [$100] players all over the table." This also made things easier for cheaters. "Naturally they watch the player with the most money," Patty explains. "So if you have a guy who's bet ting $2,000 or $3,000 a hand, we could bet $1,500 a hand, and they usually wouldn't pay

didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew chat I was going to jail, and then who was going to raise my kids?"

After the indictment in 1984, Patty got out

of cheating altogether, mostly in the hope of stopping her youngest son from going into it too. She lived out of state for two years, then

moved back to Vegas and found a job at the Dunes, in surveillance. When the Dunes went

bankrupt in 1990, Patty started working in a hospital, taking blood.

II NOW TEN YEARS SINCE PaTTY'S LAST HUS'I tie, and the statute of limitations on all her crimes has expired: Patty can recount

Many of the people Patty worked with in the

her history with impunity. Still, she will never be completely free of her past. Her life can be a lonely one. Her old gambling chums no longer associate with her, and her rap

1960s and '70s have gotten out of the business.

sheet makes it hard to find new friends. As one

Some the hard way—Roger Grayson served three years in jail in the late '70s. (He has since re formed and is now a shift manager at a Vegas casi no.) Others are working for the casinos in security.

Nonetheless, cheating is very much on the rise.

The casino industry now loses between $40 mil lion and $100 million to cheaters every year.

Cheating is also getting more high-tech: Minia

acquaintance puts it, "She doesn't get invited

her hand to cheating. "She could go out. She could still move," says the acquaintance. "And she'd never be recognized....] mean, if you were in a casino, you would never ever suspect this

ture cameras hidden in sleeves or the arms of

little lady of holding out a blackjack and pop

wheelchairs are used to read cards as they are dealt in blackjack (the camera's signal is transmitted

ping it on you, would you?"

back to a van, where an associate watches the tape

slots at Caesar's Palace had climbed to more than $6 million.

that much attention to us, because the other guy

was betting more."

and radios back to the player what he sees), and

cheating crews have learned how to manipulate

over to too many doctors' houses."

Despite ten years of going straight, Patty still has the know-how and the moxie to turn

As of August, the jackpot on the Megabucks

Just one more score. That's all it would take.)

the microchips of electronic slot machines.

In 1984, Patty got busted again, for her part in a slot-cheating operation in Nevada. She was 70 SPY OCTOBER 1993

Some of the names and identifying details in this story have been changed.

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"Your name came across my desk as

Back of the Book

someone interested in buying

stocks," he pressed on, faintly accusatorily. "You do buy stocks, don't

you?" The undertone was one of manly challenge. How weak and womanish it suddenly seemed, not to

buy stocks. And not just in the past but now, on the phone, for no other reason than that my fellow man was

When "Sorry, Wrong

daring me to do so. I must buy them

Number"Isn't Enough

by Ellis WeiiiGr

immediately or appear—to Dave—a perfect pussy.

Now, I've seen Glengarry Glen Ross {twice—on Broadway and on film),- so I feel I know as much about the hard

Like you, I seek to protect myself and my loved ones from sleaze, and, like you, I fail. And even when I suc ceed, I am dogged by regret.

Note that I am talking about not just comparatively trivial, am bient-type examples of sleaze, like YOUR CONGRESSPERSON'S NAME HERE, but sleaze on the individual level. Because that's where I live, with my loved ones.

My most recent encounter with nontrivial sleaze came in the form of a call from a man claiming to be "Dave" from Gruntal, the stockbrokerage

ball, ball-breaking, hard-hearted, heartbreaking world of salesmanship as anybody. I don't, of course, and am

presumably in the same state of wised-up stupidity as the car cus tomer who has read the model write-

up in Consumer Reports and thinks he has an edge on the salesmen, because they don't know he read it. (They do; they hand out Xeroxes of it at the

firm. Dave referred me to our earlier

conversation of "six months ago" and would have thrown his conversational

streamroller smartly into second gear

Private Lives of Pule Fi

had I not noted, for our mutual

amusement, that I had never spoken to him in my life. Granted, someone had called about two months ago ask ing to speak to me about investments.

I was not home. My wife took the call, and inquired as to where the caller had gotten my name. "Off a bathroom wall," was the sparkling ri poste. Perhaps, it suddenly occurred

to me, this caller was that selfsame moron!

Can we say "moron"? Or is it one of those quasi-technical, turn-of-thecentury words (like cretin) with a

specific meaning sadly corrupted by insensitive use in casual contempo

rary discourse? Perhaps. But the guy was a moron —in this case, one

whom I had never met or spoken to before.

But what did I know? "Ellis, I

take very good notes," he assured me, in one swift, economical sen

tence (a) presuming to use my first name in order to (b) call me a liar.

72 SPY OCTOBER 1993

Richard Nixon adjusts to life without Pat Illustration by Drew Friedman

dealership.) Why, then, did I not think to yell immediately into the phone, "WHOEVER YOU ARE,

♦

CALL THE POLICE! HE'S GOT A

GUN—"and then hang up, noisily?

We may never know. What I did instead was allow as how I had

bought stock once, in a company for which I did a lot of work. Period.

And I was not, in any case, in the market for stocks now.

"Can I ask why not?" he said, in

the tone of a man eager to dispel needless superstition.

My reply was touching in its noble peasant simplicity: "I don't have any money for buying stocks."

"Ellis Ellis Ellis," he actually, selfparodistically said. "There's nobody whose name comes across my desk who I can't work out something with." I was still mentally untangling that syntactical knot with the fingers of my brain (the nails of which I had, ironically, just clipped that morning) when he delivered the clinching argu

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to merit his attention. "To stop the

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afraid it all gets very dim after that; the only phrase I remember was "your portfolio." Finally, like a fool, I de cided I didn't have to stand for this

any longer.

"Look," I interrupted, "I've never

spoken to you before, I'm not in the market for stocks, and I'm very busy.

Thank you—" Ac which point the swine had the temerity to hang up

Yes, I stood my ground, and he Photo: lean Uocniah/Chuting Enterprises

Paugcnia* is a regisURd trademark of Falagnnia Inc., used under license. *FatagmiiMailOlderInc.1993

retreated. Yet the taste of victory turned to ashes in my mouth. Be cause...remember that scene in Moby

Dick when Pip the cabin boy falls over the side and emerges from the Photo Crecfits

sea stark raving mad? (For the benefit of those who have not read

Cover: Styled by Irene Albright(NYC)and Iris Lwns (L.A.); mod els Valerie Dawson and Samanitta Klink (Elite Models L.A.);

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makeup by Karen Kawahara/Cloutier (models); location: Smash Box/t-.A.; accessories courtesy of The AntiOJe Guild/L.A. Suit by Bergdorf Goodman; tie by Ralph Lauren; shirt by Christian Dior;

both dresses by Oonna Karan; all clothing from Imelda's Closet.

Page 2: Jon Ragel (Michael Richards); Archive Photos (man).

Page AP/Wide World Photos (Alles); Ron Gaieiia, Ltd. (Colacello); Brad Markel/Gamma liaison (plane). Page 21: Photofesl (Sheen, lang, Lugosi); Bill Swersey/Gamrra Liaison (Christopher);

Page 39: Archive Photos (doctor). Page 43: Roger Sandier (Clin

gasping. I should have stayed on the

Trlppett/SIPA (Guinier); Smeal/Galella, Ltd. (RuPaul). Page 35: H. Armstrong Roberts (cheerleader). Page 37: H. Armstrong Roberts (Yale library); Yasushi Egami (button statue); Greg Miller (Lincoln statue); News Service/Stanford University (mausoleum).

Gubb/Gamma Liaison (Reagans). Pages 52-3: Douglas Kirkland/Sygma (Oi); 0. Franken/Sygma (controller); Sygma (china); Mark Sennett/ Gamma Liaison (E.T.); Tony Korody/Sygma (DeLorean). Pages 54-5; Ron Galella, Ltd. (Thomas; Seals; Mondale; Stallone in coal in T-shirt, fist raised; Burton); DeGuire/Galeiia, Ltd, (Stallone in hat, in sweater); Kathy Savage/Galella, Ltd. (Tarnower); Marina Garnier (Mosbacher); Belty Burke Galella/Galella, Ltd. (Williams, Selleckl; Marina Gar nier (Guest, Janowitz); Smeal/Galella, Ltd.(Johnson); London Fea tures Inll.(Jackson); Franken/SIPA (Mondale); Figaro/Gamma Li aison (Wolfe); Max CclirJSlPA Sport (Lewis); Joe Bangay/london Features Inll. (Duran Duran); J.P. Latfont/Sygma (doll); Steve Schapiro/Sygma (Fonda); John Chiasson/Gamma Liaison (boat).

Pages 56-7: Tony Frank/Sygrru (Madonna); Arthur Grace/Syvna (Reagan); Trippett/SIPA (Sinatra); T.L. Atlan/Sygma (Jagger); Jon Levy/Gamma Liaison (Ferraro); Yvonne Hemsey/Gamma Liai

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son (Murdoch), Pages 58-9: Slsson/SIPA (Challenger); Alan

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Pages 60-1: Photos from AP/Wlde World Photos and Bettmann

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Page 65: Larry Hannan (Lane). Page 66: UPl/Bettmann (Vegas).

McEwan/LGl (Eastwood); Ted Thai/Sygma (Boesky); Alexandra

Pages 67-0; Courtesy of Marshall Fey from 5/0/ Machines,

74 spy OCTOBER 1993

God's foot on the treadle of the

ton). Pages 44-S: M. lounes/Gamma Liaison (Mecca); Maitie/Gamma Liaison (Coke machine). Page 46: Sluiler/Sunshine/SlPA (homeless people); Regis Bossu/Sygma (bags). Page SO: Sygma (Reagan). Page 51: 0. FrankerVSygma (Lennon);

H. Armstrong Roberts (guard); J.P. Pappis/Sygma (blimp). Page Page 26: Albert Ortega/Galeiia, Ltd. (Davidson); Robert

Crunch Gear Store

sea stark raving mad.) "He saw loom, and something, something, etc." An encounter with primal cre ation—that was my call with Dave, who before my very ears had engen dered and spun off great superhot masses of sleaze the intensity (and

22: Albert Ferielra/t)Ml (Houston). Page 24: Westlight (board).

2130 Broadway 787 3471

the book: Pip, the cabin boy, falls over the side and emerges from the

the shamelessness) of which left me

line, prompted him with disingenu ous questions, gloried in his sheer gall. So, big deal, I'd end up stark raving mad.

Besides, Dave was only attempting to do what, in the end, we all must

do, i.e., force someone to buy some thing from us. I know: You disdain that as being too declasse or merce nary or "middle class" or infra dig.

And yet you wonder why America is

bleeding, bleeding....J

Our Food Writer

Catches Up on Her Reading

by Ann Hobgman

I also like to check for the prod ucts that nutritionists will especially hate and that real people will, as a friend of mine once said, "salvulate over." Particularly salvulatable are the new Filled Home Bake Cookie

supermarket shelves at last this sum

Doughs, individual dough balls filled with chocolate, peanut butter or, somewhat less appealingly, ap ples. I predict that 90 percent of these will be eaten raw, straight out of the package, salmonella be

I had never been satisfied with plain old crunchberries, and Quaker Oats finally listened to me.

Cap'n Crunch Deep-Sea Crunch hit

SONY

VOUKWE

mer—and, almost immediately, was

damned. But are even the fattest

pulled from the same shelves. Quaker offered Deep-Sea Crunch for only six

Americans ready for Graham Cracker/Marshmallow caramel-and-choco-

weeks.

late-covered shortbread, or Butter

Why only six weeks? And why does International Yogurt want Sylvester Stallone to pitch their new coffee/yogurt beverage? (And if he agrees, should they consider changing

Nut Creme Coffee? Asking us to butter our coffee may be asking too

from 100% all-natural cows' ears

its name from "Yo Caffee Latte" to

Oh, wait, they're for dogs. So why are

introducing Sony Style magazine, your personal guide

"Yo! Caffee Latte"?) And who picked the name Tundra Vanilla Spice for an

they "vegetarian approved"? Bitter

to Sony consumer electronics.

Lime Furniture Gel "won't harm

Ah! Laska Ho! Ho! North Pole Co

wood or dogs." Hey, good slogan! It

much.

"These rawhide snacks are made

"

SONY STYLE? Discover over 300 pages of the fun and excitement Sony brings

coas flavor? And what's a "hand-held

might almost come from the United

fajita sandwich"? These questions and

Kingdom, where so many new prod ucts seem to be a little bit...wrong.

Misbits, the latest offering from

to life. At $4.95, Sony Style helps

McVitie's, are "delicious golden

your copy call:

many more will not be answered by New Product News, a Chicago trade magazine that tracks, well, new prod ucts—supermarket products, mainly.

Occasionally it covers nonfood items such as Paloma Picasso's new men's

fragrance, Minotaure (doesn't every half-man want to smell like a half-

bull?), but there's more to marvel at

on the food pages.

Food-product-type guys, or what ever they're called, probably read New Product News for tips on new places to put honey. (Into Les Trois Petits Co-

chons' black-peppercorn mousse, for example, where honey takes the nasty tang out of turkey liver.) / read the

crunch biscuits with bits missing."

Sunblest's newest cereals are the

pop-combo-sounding Rockin' Rocky Chocs and Hip Honey Rings.

Even the venerable Kellogg's Corn Pops have been misunderstood in Great Britain; British ads tout their

ice creams that no one wanted. I

ground-up prairie dog)? Or Cook-inthe-Kitchen Sublime Soup? 1 mean,

Teasers—chocolates filled

duh\...hx. the last minute, however,

jalapefio jam—I begin to shrivel. My life is being wasted. However hard I try, I'll never think up anything half

with Maple Leaf's "Taste of Chicken" treats.

plus SI.50 shipping and handling per issue to: Sony Style Magazine, P.O. Box 9500, Cranbury, NJ 08512-9929

Pepperidge Farm both introduced even like seeing ads for ten-foot inflatable ginger-ale cans. But when I learn that this planet holds Taste

the Canadians burst ahead of the pack

Ext. 124 Visa and MC accepted or send check payable to Hann & DePalmerforS4.95

In fact, Netv Product News itself

monthly Nothing to Brag About

(which I like to think contain

1-800-848-SONY

Crunch out of British hands, that's all I can say,

Award. Let's see, who will win?

White Mountain Ice Cream Mix in a

Bag? Dakota Seasonings Scones

when buying Sony. To reserve

"great crunchy popcorn taste." Pop corn! We'd better keep Deep-Sea

should probably be kept out of every one's hands. It's too demoralizing to read. Sure, its food gossip is pleasant: I like knowing that Sara Lee and

magazine so I can give out my

you make the best decision

as smart. ^

with

Sonv Style isSl.95 per issue NJresiflenis add 5% sales 13" Please allow 3-4 weeks lo' delivefy.0K«'

e»Oiies I lf93. 1993 Sony Coipo'etion o1 America.

UN-BRITISH CROSSWORD ANSWERS

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is mar\ followed by X for "unknown"; fol lowed by is and AI, which is a thousand, or a

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"grand." Marxism made far more sense in the late nineteenth century, when its

com

influence took hold widely among European intellectuals, than it did after the 1970s, by which time it had been taken over by bu reaucrats on one side of the Iron Curtain and

college-age children of accountants on the other. Today a Marxist is what Republicans call everybody else.

5. If you ever doubted that history goes in cycles, consider chat the verb scarf, meaning

M' n

to eat voraciously, arose in 1955-60 as a variation of the earlier slang term scoff, meaning rhe same thing, which itself arose in 1855-60 as a variation on scaff, now ob solete. So if you want to get ahead of the twenty-first century, start telling your chil dren now not to scorf down their Spaghettios. Along about 65 years from now, they'll thank you. Assuming they aren't living in such abject poverty—thanks perhaps to yout excesses in the eighties—that they have

nothing to eat. No one knows where scaff came from.

12. "As man is entitled" is Mr., going around erg, which is a unit by which work is measured, and e for energy.

18. Thank goodness for The Nation and a couple of other unabashedly left-wing pub lications—without them Republicans could get away with calling Neiasweek unabashedly left-wing. Well, I guess Republicans do anyway. Has there ever been an abashed right-winger? No, because abashment comes with age, and so does skinflintedness.

The left believes that the government could

do a great deal but doesn't; the right be lieves that it can't but does. The left is

against the almighty dollar, without which this country would not be America, and the

right is against taxing and spending, with out which this country would not be a coun76SPV OCTOBER 1993

try. My own politics are a mellowing yet keen-edged balance of progressiveness and magical realism; taxing toward the right, spending coward the left, and wishing the dollar were mighty enough that I could afford a week in Paris.

24. Band plus / plus to. Reference is to the

Mexican bandits in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre~\n which movie, incidentally, Wal ter Huston does a great dance of nineties

frustration as all the ill-gotten money blows away.

W I hope my patients don't get one of these

( WHO CARES? watches...they'll never need a psychiatrist again!!.C

'"it's TIME To Say

in the movie by that name. 1 visited the Ava

from in North Carolina. They had an Ava Gardner crossword puzzle. Just thought I'd

!

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mention it. Rice is a grain.

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5. Teem paws reading up ("rising"). If only

the stock market were more like a swap meet—a big flea-market fair where people sell or barter dingbats and stuff. Hands-on shopping, hard to see how you could specu late....Oh, I'm not that folksy.

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6. Argent(French for money) plus in a.

13. Won't that be some series? All those old

yuppies on walkers grousing about having missed the golden age of Medicare?

17. "Circle" is a set, sage is an herb. The En glish, incidentally, think that our not pro nouncing the h in herb is one of the funniest things they ever heard. Or did I already dis cuss this, back in the eighties? My, how the decades roll by.

20. Nathan Hale.

22. I have never known anyone actually to order Ginsu knives, but I suppose many people must. I am reluctant to myself, on these grounds (and this is all anyone needs to know about television): that nothing you see in the stores as advertised on tv ever

works. When I was a boy, pulp magazines advertised daggers made of Solingen steel, said to be the hardest steel known to man. I

saved up my money, I ordered one, I waited

rocking till late'great food"-

for weeks and weeks, it finally came in the mail, it looked really neat, I threw it at a

CATERING FOR STUDIO-LOCATION

tree twice, the first rime it stuck rhere to

really neat effect and the second time it broke. Television is a pulp medium.

23. Dubious wind-breaking wisdom out of the mouths of babes. Blame the messenger,

in other words, ll

•m

s r"

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i-' —

A

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eight until I decided to include my self in case of a tie) about what they

feel has brought us to this impasse. I actually did this, and three of them were complete strangers. The results of that poll:

Do you feel that the president and Con gress are currently developing solutions that will only make matters worse—in the

An In-Depth Analysis of this Fast-Deoaying Deoacie

by Roy Blount Jr.

short run, if notforever?

Yes, hell yes Oh, not really

44 percent 44 percent

Can't tell until

results are tallied

We hear a great deal of talk about the problems that beset us in the 1990s, but forays into the interviewee

community leave analysts scratching their heads in an attempt to provide definitive questions for people who have lost faith in their capacity to provide definite answers. Whatever the facts of the matter, the public perception is of a government obsessed with its image in the media and its standing in the polls (see polls, below). Proof that this means trouble for this administration is that we are talking about it.

There will always be the gloom-seers, the naysayers, the viewers-withalarm, just as there will always be those who fail to acknowledge the hopelessness of the situation. But

11 percent

Do you feel that this administration should stop worrying about every little opinion poll and show some leadership?

Yes, right now 44 percent Not until I figure out what

my opinion is

44 percent

Wouldn't put it that way, exactly, but...

11 percent Let me caution that these results

allow for a margin of error of ±11 percent, because I wonder whether I should have asked my

self, really. At any rate—I didn't get into this specifically in the poll proper, but it's the unavoid able perception of anyone whose

there seems to be more of this

going around than ever before. In part it's a natural result of the shock brought on by the arduous process of deciding how to depart from the failed policies of the past without just making every body sick of hearing about them.

I surveyed nine people (it was

ear is to the ground—one point

emerges in stark relief: The nineties are the eighties' fault.

And until the eighties admit it,

we might as well just work a puzzle.

ACROSS 1. Butter backed by un known is grand theory of /880s.(7) 5. Gobbled muffler, Ed?(7)

6. Foreign money in a Nazi shelter.(9) 7. Storied number of thieves in eight

9. Bush saw Saddam as/ A welcome

8. Confusion of dog-do (nothing lost) with identity was beneficial.(3,4) 13. What the thirtysomething update in

ies' 50 percent.(5)

foil./ Hey, Uncle Sam has/ To have .(4,3)

10. Hot month, rude sort of forecast.(7)

greed.(7)

the 2030s will be called?(9)

11. Principle on which eighties investors

15. More important to put almost all the

eighties in endlessly wry context.(9) 16. Awful shabby to eliminate the under

12. Corporate dog eating dog—as man is en

26. Harder to grunt with hesitation.(7) 27. Squeezes former wrongs.(7) DOWN 1. What Murphy Brown might be called, datedly, as follow-up to '83 movie

titled to get around measure of work with

with Keaton and Garr.(4,3)

17. Palate cleanser for circle around sage, for

overdrew: Somehow, O Moon, eye my needs.(5,3,5,2)

financed.(4-4)

energy.(6)

2. Heap of shameless old decadents? Or my

14. Looked back over weird Eve strangely.(8)

example.(7)

(groan) hash?(5,4)

17. Announce a profit: Hunh?(3,5)

3. Ostensible statement conveying opposite

18. Left magazine in country.(6)

meaning (one: Reagan over your head).(5) 4. Scammer nailed by reversal of northeast support for exploit.(6) 5. Rising throng handles down-home mar

19. Less sensitive securities head gets what the eighties loved to crunch.(7) 20. Blow offformer patriot.(6)

21. Eighties kind of thing we did to Bushes in'92.(6-5,4)

24. Group one to need no steenkin' bodges.(7) 25. Barefoot contessa taken with grain of 80 SPY OCTOBER 1993

ket.(4,4)

22. Beefeater's halfway through suit with TV blade.(5)

23. He who smelt it

it.(5)

Answers appear on page 76.

n 1 Carlton

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Car C A H 1 1 0«

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