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THE JOURNEY / 2015 SUMMER
FIXING MY EYES ON
JESUS Fawn Roark
M
y mom has always been my greatest prayer warrior. From the time I was a little girl to this very day, I know she has quietly prayed for me through all that I have been through. I am so thankful for a Godly mother and father. I grew up in a Christian home and remember distinctly giving my heart to Jesus right before my 9th birthday. I remember it clearly because close to that time I was really sick. Over a two week period, I was in and out of the doctor’s office. Then on my 9th birthday, I was hospitalized. When I first started getting sick, my mom took me to visit our family doctor. I remember something being said about “sugar like my grandmother,” and something to the effect that kids didn’t get diabetes. I remember being so happy that I didn’t have an “old people disease.” I later learned how wrong that statement was when my mom took me in for a second opinion. On our way to that second doctor, I had very little physical strength so my older brother had to carry me to the car. I can barely remember riding in the wheelchair through the emergency room. So when I was released from the hospital, I tried my best to be strong and independent. I was in the hospital for about ten days and was admitted in a diabetic coma. While I was there, I learned everything I needed to know about checking my blood sugar and giving myself insulin shots. I even practiced on oranges! However, for the first time, I felt pitied, especially by many of the older visitors. They would ask me questions about how long I would have to take the shots and how they could never do something like that if they were me. I knew they felt sorry for me, but I allowed for their comments to make me feel extremely weak and incapable. I didn’t like the way they made me feel, and because of it, I made up my mind that I was not going to tell anyone about being sick. Throughout elementary, middle and high school, I put my best foot forward. I always tried to play ball harder than any of the other kids, run faster or fight harder. I didn’t want to appear old, slow or different from my peers. I thought I had to work harder on the outside so I wouldn’t look like someone who was sick. I wouldn’t talk to others about my diabetes. I didn’t want others to know. When I turned 16, I went through another pretty difficult season. I wanted to quit school and change churches. I wanted something more and something bigger but I didn’t know what my options were. I was pretty serious about dropping out and making plans to get my GED and pursue a nursing career. During this same period, I was volunteering at the hospital. One of the physical therapists I volunteered with heard about my decision to give up on school. She spent several days encouraging me to reconsider. She told me that
my high school diploma would be important for my future. When I think about that moment, I see how God placed her and many others in my life. Because of those influential relationships, I went back to school and graduated. I went off to college and thought things would be different but for a few years, I walked away from God. I wasted so much time on the wrong things, the wrong relationships and placed my affections in the wrong places. Having experienced the impact of mentors, I wanted to do the same for young girls. An opportunity came to me while I was in college to fill in as a Sunday school teacher for high schoolers. While I was still walking in rebellion and keeping myself distanced from God, I had a great desire to be a teacher to these teenagers. I took that opportunity and it changed my life. One day after class, I sat down with a young girl who was really upset. I began tell her about her worth. “You are worthy and so deeply loved by God. You should never have to settle. I never want you to settle for anything or anyone less than God has for you,” that’s what I said to her. When I heard those words leave my mouth, I knew I was speaking to my own heart. I left that conversation with a war in my heart. I thought about the countless hours I was giving to all these young people, sharing about how to live a Godly life, reminding them of God’s promises, and yet I was struggling in my own life to live a life pleasing to the Lord. My role as a teacher challenged me to live a life poured out for God. I am thankful for that Sunday school class, because without them, I would probably still be living two lives, one in the world and one in the church. It was from that reflection and repentance that I truly embraced my identity in Christ as a daughter of the King and someone exceptionally worthy of His love. My gratitude for His love, mercy and grace also grew. I learned to appreciate life’s challenges. From those college days to the present, I have learned to love life in fullness especially as a single woman. People have said mean and ugly things about me being an older woman, single, and with no children. However, I have learned through the years that I cannot rush God. His timing is perfect even if it seems like His clock is delayed. I think because
