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THE JOURNEY / 2014 WINTER
THE FAITHFULNESS
OF GOD Pangshua Riley
I
should be dead, but by the love of God, I have been made fully alive.
Thankfully, I can reflect over my life and see the presence of God. I see how alive He was in the dark places of my past, where I never saw Him before: in my depression, promiscuity, and self-destruction. I wrestled for many years believing that God could really love me and that He had good plans for my life. After all, my life didn’t seem to look anything like any Christians I knew. I felt alone in my battles, which influenced my belief that God was fully good and that He was, what I heard many Christians call, Faithful. But through years of walking with God, I have experienced the opposite of that. I am not alone. God is faithful, and you are not alone. We are here in this life to walk together. This, here, is the story of my journey in finding God and His uncompromising faithfulness. I moved to Boone, NC as an 18-yearold, full of ambition and much eagerness to discover this newfound freedom. Beginning my first year at Appalachian State, I knew it was important to find a church but I was overwhelmed by all the different churches. I visited a few, in which felt nothing like home, so I gave up and started a prayer circle in my dorm that semester (which lasted for a few weeks). Little did I know, a girl I met through this prayer circle would come to help pull me out of my desolation. Three months into my new life at App, I found myself in an unusual situation. What was intended to be a date with a friend actually turned out to be one of the
worst nights of my life. Caught in a web, I was being held captive in this man’s bedroom. That evening, he raped me and threw me into the streets, forcing me to walk home by myself. God, where are you? How did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? Those were my initial thoughts. As the week went on, I began to take responsibility for this event that occurred. It was my fault. I did this to myself. I am worthless. I deserve this. For the following two years, I spent my life in a burning pit. Many nights were spent intoxicated and chasing after anything that could bring me fulfillment. In reality, hopelessness is all I felt. The more I felt hopelessness and pain, the more I tried to drown myself with alcohol, sex and getting high. In those difficult years, I made my first attempt to commit suicide, but by God’s grace, my friend who I met during that prayer circle came rushing into my room at the right moment to stop me. Fighting through the confusion of my life’s purpose, I fell in love with a guy who I began to build my world around. After breaking up with me one night, I locked myself inside his bathroom, embarrassed, rejected and broken. My heart began to shatter into a million particles but for the first time in a long time, I began crying out to God. This was my rock bottom. The next morning, I got in my car and began cruising through the streets of Boone in search of God. I knew He could be found in a church, so my mission was to get to the first one I could find. I remember it being such a long drive. I debated with myself and tried to convince myself that I could wait until the following week. But I found myself pulling into a parking spot, following the small crowd walking toward the church doors. To much relief from my fears, I left church that Sunday feeling hopeful again. My life was going to get better. Hope was growing in my heart again.
